another fistful of omake
by Greylle
Summary: ideas that were written out, for which there are no current plans to continue. Different paths and means for the original series they were based on.
1. Chapter 1: Heroic Mischief

**Another Fistful Of Omake**

by Greylle

DISCLAIMER: Original series belong to someone else.  
NOTE: The following are just ideas that are not currently being pursued. Anyone wanting to use or continue them are welcome to, just credit me for the initial twist OK?

* * *

_Twelve years previously:_  
"I AM THE POWER!" said the gigantic figure of Madara Uchiha. "ALL WHO LIVE SHALL BOW AND WORSHIP ME!"

"Are you ready, human?" asked the golden fox, her nine tails lashing behind her.

"Ready," said the Fourth Hokage, drawing his chakra up to a visible glow.

"Ready," said an unexpected voice.

"Kushina? You just gave birth!" said Minato, who might have been the Hokage responsible for everyone's lives, but was also a husband and father.

"Women in Rice Country do it and go back to planting an hour later," said Kushina Uzumaki, drawing her twin sabers. "You'll need me in this!"

"But -" began Minato.

"He comes!" warned the Ninetails, expanding to huge size in order to fight the oncoming giant.

The fight, as it occurred, was in full sight of the assembled Konohagakure ninja. Even the civilians saw the battle occur, though without the details of being up-close to the fighting.

The Hokage, his wife, and the fox-kami known as Inari fought the thirty-foot high being known as Madara.

At first, the battle was in the favor of the defending forces trying to keep the giant away from their village.

Madara apparently realized that and did something. When he spoke, his voice echoed across the city. "Fools! I have achieved immortality. I will BE a god and rule over all, it is my destiny. Uchiha Clan! I call upon you, and the power of your eyes. By the ties of blood and your loyalty to me, by the hatred burning in your hearts, I CLAIM YOU!"

Minato, Inari, and Kushina were not alone in pausing and glancing backwards towards the village on hearing what seemed like a thousand voices raised in screaming.

Streamers of light shot forth, mostly from the Uchiha sector, swarming into Madara's outstretched arms as he doubled in size.

Kakashi went to one knee, clutching at his Sharingan eye.

Itachi screamed in pain as he covered his baby brother.

"Now," thundered the voice of Madara Uchiha, "it is time for the Senju Clan and its philosophies to perish from this land."

"Foolish mortal," said Inari, increasing her size with Minato and his wife standing atop her head. "The powers of the gods are not so easily wielded, nor their position usurped. I am Inari, and you shall not pass!"

* * *

"You saw the events of yesterday, many of you have questions," said the Third Hokage. "I will answer as best I can."

"The Fourth and that woman?" asked Nara.

"The Fourth and his wife," said the Third. "They are, unfortunately, dead. They managed to stop Madara alongside Inari."

"Inari? Was that truly -" the jonin named Kakashi made a vague gesture.

"You saw her," said Hiashi. "I used the Byakugan as well. That was no genjutsu."

"I hit my limit early on in the battle," admitted Kakashi.

"The god Inari, the fox-deity, was badly injured in the battle," said the Third. "In order to have the time to heal, she was sealed inside the child of the Fourth."

THAT went off like a bomb, startling everyone to stillness.

"The child of the Fourth Hokage?" asked Tsume Inuzuka.

"This should all be kept as secret as possible," said the Third Hokage. "If it gets out, then there may be so many assassins sent after the child that even all our ANBU will not be sufficient to protect him."

"I see," said Hiashi. "Not only because we have the goddess on our side. Some will see the child only as a weapon. Some will only see the child of the Fourth, who has made many enemies during the War and even before that. Some will try to kidnap the child to make their own weapon."

"There are many problems currently that must gain our attention," said the Third. "My own reassumption of the Hokage post will be contested by some on the Council. The Uchiha Clan is down to those few able to resist Madara's claim - Itachi Uchiha, Sasuke Uchiha, and Mikoto Uchiha. Even though Madara never got past the outer walls, rebuilding from the damage done just by his approach will take time. As will training new ninja to rebuild our numbers from the losses of the attack."

The Third Hokage frowned. "Before she was sealed, there was one suggestion that Inari gave while I witnessed. When things are slightly more settled, she desired that we open a program for those ninja who had lost their villages or gone missing-nin due to persecution within their own lands. A program whereby they could find a home here."

"Inari being the protector of warriors, that is understandable, but could such people be trusted?" pointed out Hiashi. "Having gone missing-nin once, what is to keep them from doing so again? Or even simply having donned missing-nin status as a ploy to infiltrate our village?"

"I simply ask each of you to think on the matter, and to prepare your ideas," said the Third. "Getting such a thing through the Council would be a major battle in itself, and will take some time to accomplish."

* * *

_Six years before 'today'_:

Akuru held up his hand, making the quick series of hand signals to the rest of the 'ambassadors' from Cloud.

They moved out from the Hyuuga compound, their prize struggling in the blanket wrapped around her.

"You guys not going nowhere," said a young boy's voice as an alarm gong began ringing behind them.

Akuru used his spare hand to throw a handful of kunai towards the child's voice. They didn't have time for interruptions.

"Kawarimi no jutsu, step two!" called out the boy's voice.

"Eh?" asked Akuru out loud as the weight under one arm abruptly changed. When he glanced and discovered a takeout box from some restaurant named "Ichiraku" - he simply dropped it and looked around for the target.

A glimpse of yellow and he was off, chasing a boy about the same age as their target through the village. The boy was unexpectedly fast and agile for that age though, and also made use of small gaps in fences and hedges to good use.

Akuru made another set of hand signs, indicating his allies should attempt to flank as he readied more kunai, this set with wires.

Another flash of blonde and the boy was heading for a particular house Akuru could see an open window and immediately used his kunai to block the boy off of it. Despite himself, he felt a little impressed. At apparently four years of age, the boy should be clumsy and not nearly so fast. There were adult genin Akuru knew of who wouldn't have led him on such a chase.

The boy changed direction abruptly, but made his first big mistake in not allowing for the mass of his burden - especially as the blanket came away to reveal the tied-up and gagged little girl.

Akuru threw more kunai, this time with chakra threads trailing them. He'd capture the boy AND the girl. Any child with this much promise should either enrich his own village or be simply killed to deny Konohagakure that skill.

The boy put the girl down after the first kunai cut into his arm. That was expected. What Akuru did NOT expect was for the boy to shimmer and change. It looked different from a henge jutsu though.

The woman that stood up was wearing odd clothes that looked like something a priestess would wear to a ceremony. Blonde hair in two long pigtails, framing a face with startlingly blue eyes. The woman also had four ears, two triangular ones above her temples, and two human-looking ones in the usual spots. Behind her, a golden fox's tail waved.

The woman drew two curved shortswords in a swift motion that bespoke considerable amounts of training.

Eyes twinkling with amusement, the woman smiled. "Shall we dance?"

Akuru made a quick gesture and the flankers leapt forward, against the four of them this woman/child would quickly be cut down and their mission could continue.

The twin swords moved so swiftly that they were briefly only visible as silver tracery in the moonlight.

His men went down with sprays of blood trailing them, indicating that if this was an illusion - that there was certainly something underneath it.

The image of the fox-woman staggered suddenly despite no blow being struck against her, faded, and became the boy again.

Well, if he couldn't capture the girl easily, there really was only one out. Akuru was quite aware of the bay of hounds nearby from one direction, the rustling of leaves and flashes of cloak from another, and the noise of the Hyuga compound settling down from alarm to more quiet yet frantic activity. The next spray of kunai he sent had explosive tags and was followed quickly by a poison gas grenade.

The boy was gathering up the girl again and running off. He bore injuries this time as he exited the cloud, and was slowing, so he should be an easy target.

Akuru moved forward, only to realize a moment later that Konoha's ANBU had indeed arrived.

When the Hyuuga clan found the scene, they found the ambassador on the ground. Two of his men were dead, two more had serious injuries.

They later received a messenger from the Inuzuka compound that their missing girl was there along with her rescuer.

* * *

_Four years before 'today':_

Hiashi wasn't too sure about this. Not that he would ever let uncertainty show. As clan head of a prestigious clan, he had to be stoic and implacable.

His little girl wearing a miko costume, except for the little headband with the foxears and a clip-on fox tail, was the part challenging his 'stoic and implacable' manner.

His was not the only home with a little Inari shrine. When the fox-deity's involvement had begun circulating, there were many who put up a little shrine to honor the deity and her involvement. Some had tiny effigies of the Fourth and his wife as well, though those were uncommon and generally thought of as being in poor taste.

Nor was his home the only one where people tended to just nod at the boy showing up, instead of eyeing the boy and keeping him at a distance. As if not sure what the boy was and whether they should chase him off or not. Where the boy was welcome, he tended to show up more often. Where he showed up frequently and there was an Inari shrine, things happened.

The boy showed up when one of the Inuzuka dogs was expecting a litter, and visited to just sit there and watch. That dog tolerated the odd boy through her pregnancy, and when she delivered - everyone agreed that the litter was exceptionally strong and healthy seeming. Or when the Nara had one of their deer get sick and the boy just somehow wandered in, and the deer got better quickly. Or when the boy had turned up napping atop one of the wooden barrels used for the preparation of a local beer, and when that barrel was tapped - it proved to have a special kick to it.

Some looked at events like that and muttered darkly about black sorcery. Some looked at events like those and claimed the boy was a lucky mascot. Some knew the truth and came to their own conclusion.

A flash of orange-red and Hiashi looked out of the corner of his eye to see the 'Foxkeh' form of Naruto, that uber-kawaii not-quite-a-fox form with the big blue eyes, watching Hinata from a roof.

Which brought him back to what was making him uncomfortable. Hinata quite obviously liked the little boy who contained the fox-deity. Though perhaps 'liked' was the wrong word.

What to do?

* * *

The various other Hidden Villages knew what was going on. They each had a Tailed Beast or Demon sealed away within one of their members.

Konohagakure had Inari.

There was much resentment of this, covered with disdain publically. After all, THEY had proper weapons of destruction who could wreak havoc upon their enemies! Not like Konoha with its damn tree-huggers and nicey-nice ninja and such. Konoha had some weak little fox deity, how lame and un-ninja was THAT?

Which led to the occasional "Let's show those namby-pamby weak play-ninja what REAL ninja can do" raids.

Some of the raids ended up side-tracked into one of the taverns nearby where the _Tokubetsu Junmai-shu_ sake was cheaper than almost anywhere outside the Fire Country. Those tended to end up with the ninja involved having many drinks, even trying some of the _Junmai Daiginjo-shu_ and ended up going back home with tales of how they'd kicked butt - and man those Leaf ninja-brewmasters knew their stuff.

A few of the ninja who'd attack Konohagakure or try to steal the secrets would have something truly worrisome occur to them. They went down to kill the Abomination or sow destruction, and ended up abandoning their old village. Well, it was really worrisome to those who'd sent those ninja down there at least.

Some actually DID attack the village. Which caused occasional problems which COULD be attributed to the presence of a certain fox sealed inside a certain boy.

Sometimes, things could get a little weird.

* * *

The door to the shrine banged open.

"HEY! ANYONE HERE?" yelled a woman who was carrying another woman.

"Yes," said a nine-year-old girl with pale eyes in miko robes. "Are you here for prayer?"

"NO!" said the woman in trenchcoat and ninja-mesh. "My friend here's been badly wounded. Poisoned."

"Then wouldn't the Hospital have been a better choice?" asked the shrine maiden.

"They said they can't do anything for her," said the woman. "So what is your god going to do about it?"

"I'm sorry for your friend," said the girl, "but I can't..."

"I'll pay any price, you have the word of Anko Mitarashi!" said the kunoichi. "Kurenai. You promise too."

"Whatever you say," mumbled the woman. "Just stop yelling."

"Anything?" came a voice that didn't belong to the shrine priestess.

"Sure," said Anko, looking around. "Anything. Short of betraying the village or something..."

"DONE," said the voice.

Kurenai Yuhi cried out as something seemed to burn through her then died down.

"That took quite a lot out of me," said the voice, now sounding inordinately tired. "Welcome to Clan Uzumaki."

"What?" asked Anko.

"What did you get me into, Anko?" asked Kurenai as she more fully came to.

"Uhm," said Anko.

Kurenai sniffed. "How much were you drinking before you made this deal?"

"Errr," said Anko.

The little girl with the white eyes smiled brightly at the two chunin. "Naruto-kun has some big sisters now? That's so neat."

"Uhm, well, at least it worked," pointed out Anko.

* * *

Sarutobi Hiruzen looked very serious. Actually he was quite amused, but he'd gotten pretty good at looking fairly serious while all this was going on.

"-and so you see, this is completely wrong and you should have the kid just drop the matter," said Anko.

A chunin came in with a pile of paperwork, took a look at the two women in maid outfits (Kurenai's looking fairly functional and Anko's - not so much) and promptly tripped over his feet and crashed to the floor.

"No, I don't think so," said the Third Hokage. For one thing this was way too amusing.

"Uhm, excuse me?" asked Anko, hoping she hadn't heard that.

"Did you know that gods have rules, laws that they must obey?" asked the Third Hokage.

"Uhm, no," said Anko, thinking this didn't sound good.

"Equivelant Exchange," said the Hokage. "That's where the whole thing about making offerings to the gods came from. In order for them to be able to grant you anything, there has to be a price."

Kurenai's head drooped just a bit. "So, we're stuck with this?"

"I found the paperwork this morning," said the Hokage. "You two are accepted as chunin within the village, free to go on to ninja missions and the like, but you are also retainers of Clan Uzumaki."

"But... he's EIGHT," said Anko.

"So?" asked Hiruzen.

"Well, he can't have much room," tried Anko.

"A mansion," said Hiruzen.

"Right so he can't... excuse me?" asked Anko.

"He won it in a night of poker," said Hiruzen, shaking his head. "Now THAT was a night I remember well."

"Naruto Uzumaki has a mansion?" asked Anko.

"Yes," said Hiruzen Sarutobi.

"Well, that's not so bad," said Anko, "living in a mansion."

"CLEANING a mansion," said Kurenai, considerably less thrilled with the idea.

"Well, he's EIGHT, so he can't require anything of you, so you shouldn't be that upset," said Anko.

"Oh?" asked the Hokage, having an idea what Anko was referring to and what Kurenai Yuhi was clearly worried about. Just the maid uniform Anko was wearing was suggestion for THAT. "You might have to deal with the others if it came to that."

Kurenai and Anko both stiffened at that.

"Others?" finally asked Kurenai.

"You think you're the only ones who went drunk into Inari's shrine and tried asking for something?" asked the Hokage. "I understand that little incidental things like praying for painless childbirth is only a matter of a few sticks of incense. Some people want more and promise more."

"So I gather," said Kurenai drily.

"So, there are other maids?" asked Anko.

Hiruzen Sarutobi glanced at the two worried ninja-maids, at the chunin on the floor gathering paperwork that had just passed out with a nosebleed when he'd glanced up at Anko, and remembered other incidents like that poker game that a few clan heads and business people had gotten together with the idea of inviting a little kid into. That said child could make all sorts of promises and bets that could have been advantageous to them later. That on that now infamous night the sake had seemed especially potent and bets had been made and Naruto had lost a few times but had ended up with a winning streak that had made grown men cry. Literally.

On the other hand, many orphans often wanted to have families of their very own and Clan Uzumaki had caused a couple members of the Council to go seeking ulcer medication on a regular basis.

The Third Hokage blinked, returning to Anko's question to properly answer it.

* * *

_Age eleven:_

There was game night, something that many families had as an internal tradition. Many ninja and civilians even had a Poker Night, it being a game that had less popularity in the Land Of Fire than elsewhere but still had a fair number of players.

There was, however, only one night that was becoming famous as The Insane Poker Night.

It had been a time when several people had decided that a little child was an easy mark, who would then owe a few people favors they could cash in later. It had been a time when the sake had flowed, though the child had drank milk, and for some reason that had only been obvious in retrospect to the participants - that sake had seemed to have a more potent kick than usual.

It was a time when bets had been made, when people who really should have known better had completely failed to consider who and what they were betting against. A night where the usual restraints had fallen away and... things had occurred.

Yugito Nii, for example, had once been a ninja of a different land entirely. She had come to Konohagakure to assassinate a child. She'd ended up not only becoming a ninja of the Leaf Village but a retainer of Clan Uzumaki that night, though she hadn't intended to even take part in that poker game.

Clan Uzumaki had a mansion. It was a nice place, most visitors would freely admit. There were workshops and a foundry, there was artwork and tapestries, there was a nice garden and other amenities. There was even one of those little bamboo things in the backyard that went 'tonk' every so often. (Naruto could never remember that it was called a shishi-odoshi.)

There was a shrine, but that was closer to the Hyuga compound. There was a training ground, but that was on the Uchiha property.

There were kunai and shuriken, swords and polearms, bows and daggers, exotic weapons of various types. None of that was why young men of the Academy seemed to find excuses to wander past the mansion.

No - that would be the maids.

Some idea that Naruto's Uncle Jiraiya had once come up with, and had been embraced by many people including the Sandaime, was the idea of a special academy for warrior-maids. Not for ninja, per se. Ninja were loyal to a particular village and elite special operatives. A warrior-maid on the other hand, worked for an employer and was an elite employee. Since Naruto already had a mansion, a training ground, and a supply of maids...

This was only the second year of the Konoha Maid Academy, but it was showing signs of becoming incredibly successful. Many aristocrats of various countries had expressed great interest in the idea of an attractive maid who could tend to the gardens and household duties - and then grab a naginata or improvised weapon and delay assassins long enough for said employer to escape.

Not that a warrior-maid would be a match for a ninja or ninja team. Common bandits or the like? Another story altogether.

All of which contributed to the traffic outside the Uzumaki Mansion, as young men craned their necks around to catch a glimpse of maids in their uniforms doing various things such as trimming bonsai or practicing with their naginata or polishing the brass.

Not all was well within Konoha though.

* * *

Danzo looked very unhappy. This was perfectly normal, as there were a vast number of things that would produce that condition. He was a patriot who believed in a strong village able to defend itself. Unfortunately his attitude was that he WAS the village and that anything that benefitted him personally benefitted the village.

The Hokage had disbanded ROOT, because quite frankly ROOT was a bunch of ninja who were loyal to a single individual in the village who was NOT part of the official Chain of Command. That they had a history of causing more harm than good was beside the point. Mostly. So ROOT had gone underground, even more so than they had been.

Danzo Shimura WAS unhappy, and even if he kept his emotions from showing on the surface - they ran hot and fiery through his veins. He sought to make Konohagakure the ruling force of the shinobi world, usually by weakening the other lands through assassination and causing numerous problems to strike those nations.

The reason for Danzo's unhappiness was simple. Konoha had become complacent. With the fox-god in place, and NOT under his control, Konoha had become prosperous. The ninja village was doing quite well, and there were now five OTHER towns and villages (10 years ago there had been ONE) within a day's walk of the ninja village.

"SIR!" said a ROOT member who wore a mask resembling a badger. "An assault team from Mist has just gotten sidetracked into the Village Of Brewmasters!"

"And?" prompted Danzo.

"We've gone through their things and copied all their paperwork while they're inebriated past the point of voluntary motion," said Badger. "Here they are."

Danzo took the papers and frowned slightly more as he scanned through them. Typical rubbish. Except this. "They have guard schedules for the West Wall?"

"Yes, Danzo-sama," said Badger. "Your orders?"

"What was the impression of the squad leader?" asked Danzo.

"They are going to attempt to strike at the fox's shrine. Chance of their success, none."

"Danzo-sama!" said another arriving ROOT member, this one wearing a Doreamon mask.

Danzo shuddered. There was one in every group, wasn't there?

"A team of kunoichi from Rock and another team of kunoichi from Cloud were trying to infiltrate our village, met each other, and are now engaged in a major battle in the mud pits near Brewmaster Village!"

Many members of ROOT appeared out of the shadows.

Danzo blinked a couple of times, ran his tongue over dry lips as he considered that. "You have pictures?"

Danzo took the stack of photographs. "Terrible. How unbecoming of trained shinobi. How... uhm, yes. Moving on. What is it about mud pits and young kunoichi that when they get into fights one of the first things they do is try to rip each other's clothing off? Disgraceful, that's what it is. Hmmm."

"Do you have copies?" asked Badger of Doreamon.

Doreamon handed off a second set of prints from within his robes, which quickly started circulating through the ROOT.

Danzo shook his head as he examined one photograph, frowning ever so slightly. This was indeed disgraceful. What WAS the ninja world coming to?

* * *

**_AUTHOR'S NOTES: _**The idea of a poker night and a won mansion comes from .net/s/3480341/1/The_Night_The_House_of_Cards_Was_Built. It just fit into the story entirely too well. 


	2. Chapter 2: mischief legacy

**Another Fistful Of Omake**

by Greylle

DISCLAIMER: Original series belong to someone else.  
NOTE: The following are just ideas that are not currently being pursued. Anyone wanting to use or continue them are welcome to, just credit me for the initial twist OK?

chapter two: mischief legacy

* * *

He was a being that had been born before the current universe had come to pass. In the beginning, he was Chaos. Without a true physical form, without gender or a specific identity, he had watched as a bubble of 4D space had formed and exploded outward in a big bang.

He was known by many names, one of which was Toltiir.

As time went on he had taken many forms, some male or female or shemale or itmale or whatever. Physical form and gender was something he toyed with but 4D existence was something he did not really understand all that well. In that time he learned that pure Chaos had few adherents, and its application tended to interfere with the inherent order needed for life to exist. So Toltiir changed his nature, and embraced Mischief. Which was a sort of constrained Chaos.

4D Life was too entertaining to avoid.

When other gods stepped out of the Chaos, he was shunned by many. Too weird and too powerful, they judged him these other sentients. So his essence formed its first fragments, becoming Raven and Coyote and others through the eons.

In his D52 Branespace multiverse he observed and some nexii of chaos attracted his attention. Individuals whose existence either inspired or caused entire *-Verses to spin off for at least a brief time.

Toltiir pondered this for an eon-moment. As Puck or Robin Goodfellow he'd followed a king, or at least an essence-fragment had. Why not put a bit of him IN one of those nexii? Wouldn't THAT be a great joke on the universe? Now, who to stick with it?

The D52 Entity (who occasionally manifested in 4D space as a little black cat) turned his full (or nearly full) attention on a particular world (causing just about all sentients on that world to have a panic attack for no reason that they could perceive) and one single individual in particular.

Oh yes. This would be funny.

* * *

The Fourth Hokage KNEW something had gone wrong. His life had been the price to seal the kyuubi, that part wasn't wrong. He could feel his life fading out as he'd expected.

Except that something had slammed down out of the heavens as he'd finished the ritual and come down on a VERY startled demon-fox. The odd bulge-eyed appearance of a flattened demon-fox had been strangely comical before the whole thing vanished.

He hadn't expected a voice to apologize for the inconvenience.

Nor was the seal what he had expected. Surrounding the belly of the child Naruto was a set of sigils. Instead there were TWO markings. One was a teeny-tiny one which was smaller than he'd expected and had the marking he'd thought would appear signalling the caged demon-fox. The other was an elaborate tangle that somehow reminded the Fourth of a "smiley face" and seemed to wink at him briefly.

* * *

"NARUTO!" yelled Iruka-sensei, chasing the small boy.

"It's not my fault!" said Naruto. "I did what you asked!"

"What'd he do THIS time?" asked one of the village elders, looking as if he was having a pain in his abdomen.

"He cleaned the school of all the graffiti," said another elder as he walked up. "Unfortunately, somehow during that time that Uchiha boy had hundreds of girl's panties fall out of his bookbag."

"Sasuke Uchiha? Boy doesn't seem the type," said the first elder.

"No, not to mention hundreds of panties shouldn't have FIT into the boy's schoolbag," said the second elder, seating himself by the first.

"NA-RU-TO! I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS!" yelled Sasuke as he ran by.

"SASUKE YOU PERVERT!" yelled a number of women as they chased the little boy.

"I remember when this was a QUIET ninja village," lamented the first elder.

* * *

"I'll become Hokage one day!" said little Naruto, standing atop the swing set. "Then they'll all have to acknowledge me!"

"Yes," said a bushy-browed kid below him. "And someday I'll be a splendid ninja!"

"..." mumbled Hinata Hyuga as she mostly hid and watched Naruto from the sidelines.

"Someday I'll be Sasuke's wife!" declared Sakura.

"Someday I'll... HEY!" said Yamanaka Ino before leaping on Sakura and commencing cheek-pulling and other traditional forms of protest.

"Someday I'll be a dark and brooding vengeance-haunted character that will kill my brother!" said Sasuke, trying to look cool.

"Someday I'll get a vacation," prayed Iruka-sensei.

* * *

Naruto had been the class clown for so long that thinking of him as the container for the Demon Fox had been difficult.

Especially when some of his pranks had proven to be rather... bizarre. A less imaginative Naruto might have painted odd slogans on the carved faces of the previous Hokage that dominated the village. Oh no, not Naruto - nothing THAT simple. Putting together a mortar-mud mix that he could use to reshape the faces and THEN painting them?

On the other hand, when it was done - everyone agreed that it WAS a very good likeness of Naruto there at the end and it WAS a very nice gesture of his to put Sasuke's likeness on the far end.

Not that Sasuke Uchiha appreciated it as he felt that it was fairly unflattering. Especially with the pair of panties on his image's head.

* * *

Iruka-sensei got his wish, oddly enough. He took a week vacation to a tropical island, met some VERY friendly native girls, and would still get a wistful-distant expression on his face from time to time.

"There goes Sasuke's Uncle again," said one of the old men who hung around the front of the Ninja's Best Burger (motto:so good, you'll make it disappear) having one of their French Vanilla Latte Double Espresso drinks.

"Funny, I don't even remember a Fukayu Genma of the Uchiha family," said the second old man.

"Well, good ninja. Vanishes without a trace, reappears out of nowhere, doesn't leave so much as a footprint behind," said the first - whose name was Statler.

His companion, Waldorf, nodded. "Not disputing his ninja skills. I thought the Uchiha clan was massacreed, except this Genma fellow turns up from some side-branch that nobody wanted to talk about."

"WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!" echoed off the mountains and forest.

"Sounds like Sasuke," noted Waldorf. "Wonder what THAT was about."

"I remember when this was a quiet hidden ninja village," said Statler sadly.

* * *

The large man removed his fingers from his ears. He glanced around at the gathering crowd and smiled briefly before turning serious again. "Oh come on. You're the last of the main branch of the Uchiha clan. It's YOUR duty to replenish the clan."

"ENGAGED?!" asked Sasuke Uchiha, age twelve.

"Your brother Itachi wanted the clan killed off, right? What better revenge against him than if you repopulated it?" asked Genma, taking a box of Pocky out of his sleeve and flipping it through the air so that one fell out to be caught between his teeth while the rest just disappeared into his other sleeve.

"How about hunting him down and killing him?" asked Sasuke, sounding weak.

"No, that'll never do," said Genma, waggling his Pocky stick out of the corner of his mouth. "That'll just turn you into an anal vengeance-obsessed martial artist type. Terrible tragic story and all that. Oh, and what's this I hear about you stealing girls' underwear?"

"WHAT?! NO!" Sasuke immediately began losing any remaining cool he might have accumulated in order to wave his hands around in denial. Especially as he noticed the gathering crowd and the occasional muttering. Maybe he should've waited until they were alone before reacting to this latest bombshell?

"I approve, of course," said Genma. "Good avoidance and stealth training. Avoiding the repercussions - also good martial arts training."

"I didn't do it!" stated Sasuke emphatically.

"Of course you didn't," said Genma with a theatrical wink.

"ARGHHH!" said Sasuke, dropping towards the ground. He stopped his fall with one arm, pivoting it out into a legsweep.

Genma vanished at the moment of connection, reappearing halfway across the plaza. "Better. Yup. As the legal age representitive of your clan though, I'm afraid I've got to take matters into my own hands. Any particular girl you fancy? What about that Yamanaka girl?"

One of the girls in the crowd brightened visibly.

"NO! NEVER!" said Sasuke, leaping into another attack which caused Genma to vanish again and reappear elsewhere.

One of the girls in the crowd sagged, a little cloud forming over her head.

"What about that Sakura girl? I hear she gets excellent scores on her tests," said Genma, consulting a large book.

Another of the little girls in the crowd brightened.

"That humongous forehead of hers must conceal a pretty sharp brain," said Genma, "and she isn't as butch as that Yamanaka girl."

The sagging girl collapsed to her knees while the second girl flinched.

"NEVER! I'D RATHER DIE AVENGING MYSELF AGAINST MY BROTHER!" declared Sasuke sending a flurry of attacks that the portly Uncle dodged.

The pink haired girl with the high forehead simply turned the color of ash and sagged next to her friend/rival.

"Tenten?" "NO!"  
"Anko?" "NO!"  
"Tsunade?" "who? NEVERMIND! NO!"  
"Temari?" "I DON'T EVEN KNOW HER!"  
"Yuhi?" "NO WAY!"

Uncle Genma clicked the book shut. "So, you mean you're gay?"

"AIEEEEEE!" said several young girls in the crowd, falling over.

"WHAT?! NO!" said Sasuke.

"That would explain a few things," said Genma thoughtfully. "I had my suspicions about Itachi after all. That would explain why he's been wearing nail polish."

"Erk," said Sasuke.

* * *

The look was of profound satisfaction on Sasuke Uchiha's face as he ripped the tiny little card into smaller and smaller pieces.

"Wow," said Naruto, ignoring the way a girl was on her knees and watching as the tiny little pieces of discarded paper swirled down. "How many's that?"

"Four this month!" said Sasuke, forgetting that he wasn't talking to Naruto in the elation of the moment.

"How many did your Uncle Genma make?" asked Naruto.

"Forty-two," said Sasuke. "Forty-two 'Engagement Cards' made. I got twelve the first year, nine last year, and this year I've gotten fourteen more!"

Naruto nodded. "That's impressive."

Sasuke nodded without a comment.

"That's one of the sneakiest training methods for the ninja arts I've ever heard of," admitted Naruto.

Sasuke nodded again as he brushed the final bits of cardstock off his hands. He'd had to endure suffering, work on his stealth and infiltration skills, learn lockpicking and other such skills. It hadn't been until halfway through his second year when he'd realized that he'd had to improve his ninja skills a dozenfold to get at the cards.

In this latest case all he'd had to do was hide and wait for the girl to show her friends, then steal it when Naruto did something to distract the target.

Naruto had improved as well. Sasuke was his rival after all. He'd gotten another five cards himself, to be used as bribes or blackmail material at some future time when he'd need it. That left two cards unaccounted for.

Sasuke frowned as he noticed someone watching Naruto again.

* * *

"I don't wanna."

"You're the demon-fox, stop acting like a baby."

"Don't wanna, you can't make me."

"Want to bet?"

The demon-fox growled and shrank back a little.

"I didn't think so."

The ninetails glowered at the creature before it. When the two had met, the demon-fox had attacked and tried to snap up the little morsel before it. It hadn't gone exactly according to plan.

Afterwards, it had taken awhile for the demon-fox to get over the feeling of having been a squeaky-toy being played with by a pack of wolves. It had been most unpleasant.

The demon-fox had been expecting to be caged in a sewer. This was more like a zoo exhibit. With a television set, large cushioned bed, and unexpected amenities.

The demon-fox looked for something to distract the little black kitty-cat and found it. "That girl is watching again, and she's almost seeing deep enough to see US. She must suspect something."

"Hmmm," said Toltiir. "Might be part of the residual energies I'm leaking through our boy here. Though apparently she DID notice that Naruto's asleep when I manifest 'Genma' - I've got an idea."

* * *

Her name was Hinata Hyuuga, and her family's Byakugan was its claim to fame. She had been watching Naruto from the time they were children - the other kids tended to shun him but he was able to overcome that. She admired many qualities about Naruto Uzumaki, but she also knew something was very odd about him.

When she'd run across an unconscious Naruto on the roof of the school, she'd performed an examination of his chakra just to make sure he was okay. That was when she'd noticed a thin strand of chakra extending from him, which eventually thinned to the point of invisibility.

From there she had observed and discovered that Sasuke's "Uncle Genma" only appeared when Naruto was sleeping. From overhearing comments, Naruto had no idea of this himself and apparently didn't know of anything that Genma did until someone told him.

She'd also caught hints of something within Naruto. However, she still had no idea what that was. Sometimes it would seem to be a dark and destructive presence deep within him. Sometimes it seemed more... whimsical or something.

Her curiosity, concern for Naruto, and something else all made her even more likely to watch Naruto from a distance.

Familiarity could breed contempt, but sometimes it was something else that formed.

They were currently fourteen years old. Well, except for some who were fifteen. Not everyone had the same birthday after all.

That was odd. Something had shifted and now she was getting a chill up her back?

* * *

"There we go, deal! You drive a hard bargain!" said Genma, shaking the hand of the Hyuuga clan head.

"Of course," said the Hyuuga clan elder. "There's no way you can win this bet though."

"Oh?" asked Genma.

"Otherwise, even if she IS a failure and practically outcast from the clan, I would NEVER engage Hinata to someone like Naruto Uzumaki," said her father.

"I think she has hidden strengths," said Genma.

"Bah, her sister Hanabi will be the next heir of the style. I expect the secret scrolls to be in my possession by the end of the week," said the clan head.

Genma just smiled as the Third Hokage walked by, holding a plushy purple armadillo.

"How did you...?!" asked the startled Hyuuga clan elder. "Still, there's no way that Naruto can form a Shadow Clone."

"No?" asked Genma.

"If you knew that the Third Hokage was going to have that though..."

"I might know that Naruto was planning on proving to his teacher that he COULD master the technique?" asked Genma.

"No, impossible. The only techniques Naruto has mastered are that ridiculous one-"

"Centerfold jutsu," said Genma.

"That silly technique for creating an illusion of a lantern." The clan leader began to look a little uncertain about that one.

"The question about the illusion of illumination WAS intriguing, wasn't it?" asked Genma.

"and that idiotic application of a disguise jutsu," said the clan leader, now sounding a tad uncertain.

"Ah, the Clown Car Jutsu," said Genma, nodding. "How to get an entire class of ninja students into a small cab for a journey to the countryside for the price of a single fare. Quite interesting."

* * *

_Two and a half years previously:_______________

Had anyone ever looked at Fukayu Genma who was familiar with a certain father of a pigtailed martial artist in another plane of reality, they would have seen the resemblance right away.

This one acted more like a well-intentioned but bumbling fellow who wore something akin to the typical Konoha ninjawear. He was known as an exceptional weapon-user, preferring chain weapons. He also had a technique where his planted feet locked onto the ground and he became darn near immovable. When you combined that with his chain weapon usage, he could grab and reel in opponents - showing exceptional ability in snagging airborne targets especially. Coming from a minor branch family of the Uchiha clan, he did NOT have the Sharingan eye technique. That did not mean he was particularly weak or easily defeated however.

"You," said a figure from the roadside near the entry to Konoha. "I killed all the members of the Uchiha clan, save one. So who are you?"

"Nephew!" said Genma, sounding quite pleased. "Come here and give your Uncle a hug."

Itachi Uchiha frowned ever so slightly more, then activated his Sharingan to see what the old fat fool was trying to pull.

Tendrils of chakra went through the soil from the man's feet, anchoring him quite solidly but also forming a barrier to Earth-based techniques performed within about five meters.

More and more curious. Was this one of Orochimaru's experiments?

"Pfeh," said Genma, his expression turning serious. "I might not have the Sharingan, but I see your intent. Don't worry about it. I neither have the Sharingan, nor the intent of rebelling against anyone. My goal is to see Sasuke raised as high as he'll go - if you want to have that death match with him - you'll really have it."

"You're saying you know enough to be dangerous?" asked Itachi.

"Me? Dangerous? I'm just a lovable little panda," said Genma, poofing a genjutsu that changed his appearance to that of a giant panda.

Itachi considered the imposter for a moment, considering what he'd seen and what he'd learned. Then he turned away. "Do what you will then."

* * *

_Present, Naruto age 12_:___________

Naruto snuck off with the giant scroll of techniques, but remembered to use a transformation jutsu to replace it with a fake.

Then he used his Zeerocks' Copy Scribe Technique (handy for copying homework) to put several techniques down on other scrolls and his Sneak Jutsu to put those copies in various people's bookbags where they would be discovered the next day. He held off snickering about it until after he was gone from each house.

Rock Lee got the dreaded Iron Dragon Palm technique. He'd appreciate that one.  
Sakura Haruno got the even-more-dreaded Domination Shibari Jutsu. If she got into a fight with Ino again that might be interesting to watch.  
Sasuke Uchiha got the not-quite-so-dreaded Firebird Fist. Being able to throw a fireball that could be directed in midflight was something that Naruto's chief rival would seize on immediately. Not incidently deflecting some attention from 'poor innocent Naruto'.  
That weird girl that kept fainting around him whenever he tried to be friendly, Hinata or something like that, got a defensive technique. Pinpoint Defense. It kinda suited her somehow. Maybe she had some medical condition or something. Hmmm. He'd have to think about that, maybe something he could do about that.  
Ino Yamanaka got a technique Naruto had never heard of, but which had suited the girl too perfectly not to use it. Barajutsu - the technique of throwing armor piercing roses with pinpoint accuracy. Someone who worked in a flower shop certainly could use THAT.  
Choji so perfectly fitted the Watermelon Seed Jutsu, which involved eating a watermelon and then spitting the seeds out to cover your opponent, then activating another jutsu to cause them to sprout into vines - NOT giving it to him seemed totally unfair. Believe it!

There was only one other technique he really wanted to hand out, but it turned out he got spotted on that one.

On the other hand, explaining what he was doing to Kiba meant he could just hand over the technique with a promise that the next time he pulled a prank like this - he'd have a lookout available.

Kiba's technique - Dog Pack Attack - was a form of Duplication Jutsu that caused multiple images of an associated partner to circle and bait an opponent. As Naruto had pointed out to Kiba, it wasn't that effective if you knew your opponent had it - but the first time you used it would certainly be an effective distraction.

Finding a potential ally unexpectedly had been a pleasant bonus.

* * *

Naruto nearly got away with the theft due to one little factor he hadn't even considered.

Simply put, he'd gotten the wrong scroll.

Oh, this one had the Shadow Clone jutsu. It was just an odd version of it that caused some of the clones to look a bit... odd. Tails and ears popping out at odd times, giving them a foxlike look. Naruto had no idea what was up with THAT.

Well, except that the first time one of his foxy clones (which had been a Sexy Jutsu version that had popped up without him intending it to be such) was spotted by a village elder - there had been much freaking out.

"Do I GOTTA stay in this circle?! It tickles!" complained Naruto as various medic-nin and research-nin and official-looking nin all stood outside the circle and did various inscrutable things.

"Where'd he get that scroll anyway?" asked one of the officials, apparently unaware of a hidden kemonomimi Naruto who was eavesdropping.

"No idea, it looks just like the hidden scroll of kinjutsu - the S-rank stuff," said one of the other officials, likewise apparently ignorant of eavesdroppers. "It's just that all the techniques there are ones nobody has heard of and they're mostly not S-rank. Some are just plain bizarre, while others..."

"One question," asked the other official. "Why is there a large keg of rice here?"

_POFF!_ went the keg of rice after getting kicked.

"Just thinking about him using that transformation jutsu and any version of Shadow Clone gives me a headache," confessed the first official.

"Are we sure we've even got the real one?" asked the second official, shooting a glance at the boy in the circle. "Transformation jutsu is supposed to be an illusion, but he really does it."

"Quiet," said the first official.

"He wouldn't be so devious and sneaky as to put a spy on the spy just so he could overhear..." said the second official, sounding quite uncertain.

The first official raised an eyebrow.

"That's... actually kind of admirable in a ninja," said the second official.

"I'm going to see if the medic-nin can do anything about this headache," said the first official, stalking off.

_Poff_ went another of Naruto's disguised Shadow Clones a moment later. Maybe disguised as a welcome mat to the facility wasn't his best choice there.

* * *

"What the hell is it with that boy?" asked one of the old men of the village.

"Sasuke? He's just got a major stick up his butt about his brother," said the other old man on the park bench.

"No, not Sasuke," grunted the first of the old men. Waldorf just shook his head. "Pfeh. You've seen one after another anal-retentive vengeance-obsessed ninja going off on a quest for power, at least one every generation. Sometimes two or three. Who freakin' CARES about the Uchiha?"

"A bunch of obsessed fangirls," pointed out Statler. "Don't sound so envious."

"Yeah, I could have used one or two obsessed fangirls myself," admitted Waldorf. "Mind you, I don't think I'd have managed to keep the whole vengeance-obsession with a couple of pretty young kunoichi trying to get my attention."

"Well of course not," said Statler. "You're not a vengeance-obsessed ninja going off on a quest for power. You're an old retired CPA turned movie critic."

"I wasn't always old," grumbled Waldorf. "Being a hotel manager didn't exactly swarm you with groupies either."

"Not all the time, no," said Statler, smiling mysteriously.

"Off the subject though," said Waldorf, hating that smile for some reason. "What IS it with that boy? I had to leave before the final decision came through. Just a bunch of old farsks arguing back and forth."

"Safe shak, different day," agreed Statler. "What they finally decided was that the boy should be tested. Let the seal come off, but be ready to kill him or re-apply the seal if things turn ugly. In the meantime he's sharing a cell with a sacrificial lamb."  
"Huh. Who'd be so worthless that they'd get for THAT duty?"

* * *

"I know who we can get to monitor him, and she's completely worthless otherwise so it's a perfect use for her," said one of the clan heads deciding Naruto's fate.

* * *

"I don't get it," said Naruto, inside a bunker that had walls of three feet of reinforced concrete. "Why'd they lock me in here? With you?"

"locked up alone with naruto..." whispered Hinata to herself.

"I don't get it," repeated Naruto, going off to one corner of the cell to think about this.

Hinata tried to figure out how to put this. "Well, you see, it's... my father decided..."

"Eh?" asked Naruto, focussing on Hinata.

Which embarassed her MUCH further so that she started curling up and went quiet.

"What is it, Hinata?" asked Naruto. "Why would they lock us in here?"

"I... that is..." Hinata just went ahead and fainted from the force of her blush.

"Eh?" said Naruto, leaping over to grab the girl before she could hurt herself hitting the hard floor. In fact, it was a good thing Hinata was already unconscious or she'd have slipped into a coma from being held like she was.

_hey, she's pretty cute,_ came some whisper from Naruto's subconscious.

"Huh? Who said that?" asked Naruto, not fooled for a moment.

_Uhm. The Demon Fox. Yeah, that's right. I'm the Demon Fox that's sealed within you._

"I got a Demon Fox sealed within me?" asked Naruto. "Funny. You don't sound like a Demon Fox."

_So I got Multiple Personality Disorder, so sue me,_ griped the little voice.

"The Ninetails is schizopanic?" asked Naruto.

_Close enough,_ said the little voice. _Ahem. The girl is obviously sick._

"She's sick?!" asked Naruto, going into a panic. "Ohmygosh! WhatamIgonnado?"

_Learn a special supersecret new jutsu!_ whispered the voice.

"Oh? A new jutsu!" asked Naruto, going from panicked to excited. "What do I need to do?!"

_First. Put the girl down._

THUMP!

_On. The. Bed._

"Oh, sorry," said Naruto, realizing his mistake and correcting it. "So what's this new jutsu?"

_I'll have to flash teach you,_ said the voice with a hint of regret. _Sadly, there's no time for the usual insanely-painful-yet-strangely-effective training methods usually used for it. As to the name, it's a little teleport technique. Call it a legacy from your father._

"My father?!" asked Naruto as this was the first he'd heard that he'd even HAD a father.

_Yes. You had a father. You had a mother too. That's generally how it happens._

"Lemmee guess, you can't tell me anything about either of them cause of some kind of rules?" grumped Naruto.

_You got it, kiddo._

"But I get a teleport jutsu? What's it do?" asked Naruto.

_The original jutsu developed by your father was that he could teleport short distances very rapidly to where he'd prepared a special mark. This is a sort of refinement of that Yellow Flash jutsu._

"How is it different from this Flash-thingie?" asked Naruto.

_I worked it around, and now it comes in two versions. The small teleports you can manage instantly and are line of sight and only teleport yourself. The larger teleports you can take up to seven times your body mass, take about five minutes to activate, and can be anywhere you've set up a mark ahead of time. So, if you were in the Village Of Sand, you could activate the jutsu and teleport back to this village if you had five uninterrupted minutes._

"That would be COOL!" said Naruto, seeing uses for it immediately. He could set one of these marks up outside the ramen shop, go out for a mission, and as soon as he was finished - POP. Celebratory ramen feast!

_Done. It's now a bloodline ability, so if you and Hinata had a child - the child would have equal chances of having the Byakugan or the Foxhole Teleport. A small chance to have both. Now, I'm going off to catch a well-deserved nap. You might want to rescue Hinata in the meantime._

"How do I do that?" asked Naruto. "There's no windows so all I can see is in the room."

_There's a teleport mark prepared ahead of time,_ responded the voice. _Just pick up Hinata and begin the jutsu._

"Right," said Naruto, scooping up Hinata and concentrating. Huh. He could feel it, like a pinprick beacon in a sea of darkness. He noticed the green flecks of energy beginning to swirl around him as he began the jutsu.

He pulled it off too. Five minutes later he was with a stirring Hinata in his arms and standing... in a cave?!

* * *

Toltiir had bumped the ages slightly. Why? Because a fourteen year old could get into more amusing setups than a twelve year old could. Outside of the ninja village, twelve was sufficiently young that just appearing to not have an adult around would put restrictions into place. Fourteen was only two years away, not requiring huge alterations, but enjoying a good deal more independence as far as most other societies in that world might consider.

So as far as the world and the ninja villages were concerned, fourteen was the year young ninja graduated to gennin.

Toltiir also added a bit here and there. The Hokage was looking over a report that listed Naruto had a kekkei genkai just before the azure fire formed a circle and began the five minute buildup.

At the end of that five minutes, air was displaced and faint odors hung in the air to indicate where the air had come from. Of Naruto and Hinata though, there was no sign.

* * *

Somewhere a little cat smiled because he'd used his 'Genma' facade to set up the teleport and had set up the maximum distance Naruto could teleport using it.

Not that Naruto didn't have other jutsu available. He had his Sexy Jutsu, or whatever he was calling it this week. Disguise jutsu. Clown Car jutsu which was actually a refinement of the Deep Pockets jutsu. He'd learned the Shadow Clone jutsu, the Teleport jutsu, and a handful of other jutsu as he was going along.

That wasn't why Toltiir was smiling though. The Elder God of Mischief and Chaos was smiling because Naruto was holding an unconscious Hinata in his arms and standing deep below a city in another world entirely.

* * *

There was a moment where the world turned white. A brilliant white as of a deep fog or something similar - no details or other objects visible.

Then the moment was over.

"What?! Where?!" asked Naruto as he discovered he was somewhere besides the ninja village he'd expected to find.

It was a deep cavern. Very deep. Very dark. Actually pretty chilly. He could hear what sounded like water moving off to his right. "Where the hell am I now?!"

His eyes slowly began adjusting to the dark, and he realized there WAS a dim light. From somewhere.

* * *

Toltiir whistled a quick tune as things continued to play out. Due to the local gods being real twits and having all these rules - he had to maintain a minimal 'footprint' - so he'd done everything MAJOR prior to Naruto popping into this cavern.

**Gift Of Tongues** would make things easier. **Eye Of Thoth** as well. Stumbling around in the dark could be funny, but the current plan was for something more insane and more fun. So giving Naruto the ability to have glowy eyes in the dark **Foxfire Eyes** (Toltiir decided to make the color of the glow dependent on his mood - more difficult but more amusing) was part of what he'd planned. Of course, Naruto could just see in the dark at this point. Any further abilities would have to be unlocked.

Besides, with his mate (Hinata) and his rival (Sasuke) both having eye powers - it was only fitting that Naruto have something in that regard himself.

So Naruto's eyes were currently a light red and slitted like a fox's eyes. His fangs were a little more pronounced too. Just a touch. Most people of this world who saw him would decide he was a Shifter, and most likely some sort of Sorcerer.

Everything else was in place. It was just a matter of the ingredients meeting each other.

Though frankly he hadn't expected them to be in the Underdark. He'd left the tag in an alley in Waterdeep.

* * *

"Mpf," said Hinata, beginning to stir.

The floor of the tunnel wasn't exactly comfortable, but Naruto didn't see a lot of alternatives. He set Hinata out and considered his next move. Water. Water was good. He didn't have a cup or bottle so he'd have to cup some in his hands.

The sound of voices echoing down the tunnel caused him to stop and consider. Maybe they had a medic or something that could help Hinata.

As soon as her eyes opened and focussed on him, Naruto explained his plan. "Hinata. Stay here. I'm going to see if I can find a doctor to help you."

Hinata immediately took in that Naruto's eyes were glowing faintly, the cavern, the chilly air, the water going in a stream nearby and came to a conclusion. _Naruto has escaped with me? Is this an elopement?!?! A doctor?! What happened?!_

By the time Hinata had come to that conclusion, Naruto was already sneaking towards the noise. Once he got a good look at it, it took another moment or two to realize what he was seeing and listening to was a group of chained-up people with a bunch of dark-skinned (Kumo-nin?) people leading them away?

* * *

Toltiir knew a few things about dimensional travel.

Some universes would "run faster" compared to the time of another universe. The Fae Realms for example. Other universes ran at variable rates compared to yet other universes. Some, inevitably, ran at the same rate with occasional hiccups. If you were IN one universe, you experienced time at a 1second/second rate. Go from your home universe to another universe and then back, and you might find a moment had passed or a year or a hundred years.

Of course, if you knew the tricks and ins and outs of the whole thing - you could use such things to manipulate the situation all sorts of ways.

So he watched as the Hokage tried to get a handle on the situation with Naruto and Hinata missing.

He also watched as Naruto experienced roughly a week in the same period that the Hokage was experiencing an hour. Well, actually it was closer to a month, but that was just a minor detail. Right?

* * *

As one of the chained individuals was stretched out on a rock, Naruto's eyes widened.

As one of the gals in richly embroidered robes raised a knife over the screaming soon-to-be-victim, Naruto figured out exactly what they were doing.

"ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!" yelled Naruto. Of course, at that point he realized that shouting anything in the cavern was probably NOT a good idea.

Especially after crossbow bolts began whistling through the darkness around him.

"Kage Bunshin!" cast Naruto, deciding the best defense was a good offense.

"It's some advanced Mirror Image spell, it's a mage!" declared the gal holding the knife. "Priestesses, dispel it so the archers can target him!"

"That don't sound good," said one Naruto.

"Let's get them first," said another Naruto.

"YAHHHH!" yelled all the Naruto as they went into the attack.

* * *

"Some kind of wizard-monk," noted High Priestess Galbina as she came around to the front of the improvised altar. "Not bad. A pity we can't take him prisoner and sell him, he'd make a tidy profit."

A rattle of chain made her look backwards but by that time a loop of chain was already around her throat.

* * *

Naruto's Shadow Clones ducked and weaved, kicked and punched, and generally made a mess of things.

Some of the combatants were apparently surprised when they felt his punch or kick connect. Some were shocked when a spray of kunai managed to disrupt their spellcasting. Some were REALLY shocked when the poisoned crossbow bolt they'd just fired off caused the 'image' to puff out in smoke AFTER they'd gotten hit by that same 'mirror image' of this really really annoying human.

It was all the more annoying when the slaves began picking up stones and throwing them in defense of their apparent rescuer(s).

Oh, and the sacrifice had gotten her chain unhooked from the rock and was strangling the head priestess with it.

* * *

Hinata watched with her Byakugan as the battle in near-darkness continued. She didn't know what was going on, just that Naruto was in a MAJOR fight against overwhelming numbers. Except that he had used a duplication technique to a truly ludicrous degree and now outnumbered those he was attacking.

She was confused by the whole thing as she saw some were prisoners, some were not, but none of them were saying anything she could make any sense out of.

* * *

Eventually the battle wound down. Naruto kept up the number of his Shadow Clones, while the number of slavers was constantly being whittled down. Here, without reserves they could draw on, and with their own resources largely consumed in the slave raid itself - they were at a disadvantage.

* * *

Toltiir was a god of mischief. Even with this being less than 0.0001% of his total strength, he could manage some pretty powerful stuff.

Though some things didn't set well with him, even considering how vanishingly brief the life of these young upstart gods were - much less the campfire sparks of "mortal" lifespans.

So, when he saw something that struck him as being particularly unfair and unhumorous, well, could you really blame him for manipulating things just a tad?

Though he had made a teenie-tiny mistake in the relative time rates. Almost unnoticeable with everything else going on really.

* * *

"Two hours of this nonsense," grumbled Hiruzen Sarutobi, the Third Hokage as he entered his office. "Eh? What's this?"

A box on his desk, with a few of the Fourth's weapons?

Below that a slip of paper?

Moving the box, the Third Hokage could see the resemblence to the seals that the Fourth used for his own technique. The design was a little more complicated and had two boundaries. The little crackling spark was different too.

Not exactly slow on the uptake, the Third put the seal out on the floor and started clearing a space.

The crackle became a circle, which became a dome, which suddenly flashed.

"That did it!" said someone who resembled Hinata Hyuga, though she was a little taller and had longer hair and was wearing some unfamiliar clothes and carrying a SWORD?!

"Quick, everyone off the seal!" said someone who looked like a slightly taller Naruto except that Naruto's hair was longer and his clothes were REALLY unfamiliar. "I've got to go back!"

The large group of unfamiliar people hurried out of the circle which was already forming again.

"Can someone explain all this to me?" asked the Hokage, fixing Hinata with his gaze in particular.

"Well, we've got ten minutes for the round trip," said Hinata with a nod. "Yes, Hokage, we have time, but we'll need to get medic-nin and some jonin in here - just in case something comes through WITH Naruto."

* * *

"These are people from the Promenade, a village which was being overrun by its enemies when Naruto was able to perform his Teleport Jutsu," said Hinata as the wounded were being checked. Despite the differences in species, wounds were still wounds. There were curious ones watching from a distance, but the street was mostly clear as this latest weirdness from Naruto played out.

"So they were attacked by a rival ninja group?" asked the Hokage. "I see burns, stab wounds - signs of a ninja battle."

"They use different forms of ninjutsu," explained Hinata.

"You were gone three hours here, how long were you there?" asked the Hokage next.

"Eh? But - we were there over a month," said Hinata, looking around as the idea penetrated. "Close to two. Though it was hard to tell. We spent most of that time underground."

_crackle_

The Third Hokage looked up at the window of his office as light flickered. "Looks like he's on the way back."

"It'll probably take four trips to get everyone out," admitted Hinata.

"This could be a problem," said the Hokage as one of the strangers walked up.

"We were told you take missions for money," said the stranger, holding up a brick of gold. "Can we talk?"

"I think, perhaps, we can," admitted the Hokage, "rescuing refugees IS a valid mission usually."

* * *

"I see, so they knew he could teleport from place to place," said Sarutobi, flanked by various jonin. "They blocked him from teleporting from his current location, but only as far as this other world was concerned."

"Yes, that is so," said Hinata, one of the three in the chairs that was surrounded by the seats of the hastily formed council. "Then Naruto could feel when you opened up this path, which was to outside that world and therefore not blocked as thoroughly."

The darkskinned and whitehaired person who'd given her name simply as Emissary inclined her head. "Someone of our own world, using our own methods, wouldn't have been able to go through that block. Since Naruto's method uses other paths and means, each path had to be specifically closed to him. From there, he could come HERE. From here, we can go to one of the other places he's placed those wards at. Therefore we shall not be a burden to your resources much longer. Though there are prophesies..."

"In the meantime, both me an' Hinata have been getting special training," said Naruto.

"Yes, I noticed that Hinata was carrying a sword," said the Hokage.

"Oh, it's not MY sword," said Hinata. "My weapon is a little different."

"Yes, on my world, some things are best fought at a distance," said Emissary. "Lady Hinata has proven quite skilled with her dagger _Dlin_."

The Hokage noticed that his were not the only eyes flicking towards the dagger strapped to Hinata's forearm. Something that looked entirely innocent and just part of her new ninja-ensemble as far as anyone could tell.

"So, whose sword is it?" asked one of the jonin.

"Actually, it's meant as a gift for the Hokage," said the Emissary. "A gesture of goodwill between two independent agencies."

"Eh?" asked the Hokage, who was familiar with the practice but not a sword-wielder himself.

"The sword was made long ago by Elven warmages and it's name is _Lygrist_ in that language," said Emissary.

At a nod from the Hokage, a jonin went to the table and retrieved the blade.

The Hokage took the blade from the jonin and then glanced at the Emissary and the two ninja with one eyebrow quirked in silent question. The Emissary nodded.

The Hokage drew the blade.

Revealed was a silvery-blue metal blade with a flowing script written in the center. More surprising to the Hokage was the way the blade seemed to stir in his hand, a faint image of a mongoose raising its head showing in the reflection on the blade's surface for a brief moment.

"A handsome gift," acknowledged the Hokage. And it was. He could feel leashed power in the sword, awaiting a target worthy of its attention.

"It was made for a war with a race known as the yuan-ti," said Emissary. "One of our seers said that it was appropriate for the land of our two esteemed visitors."

"I see," said Sarutobi, sounding old and tired for a moment. "Well then. What, other than a staging area for Naruto to teleport to and from, do you want of our humble village?"

"Trade," said the Emissary. "Mutual assistance is a possibility, but as travel to and from our world is currently entirely at the ability of one individual - there is only so much that can be done there. We would like to see an exchange of one of your instructors for one of our own. Just in case each of us can learn something of the other's abilities."

* * *

"So," said the Kazekage. "Konohagakure has access to other worlds and their treasures, as well as a transportation and communication system to be envied. And it is all a kekkei genkai - a bloodline ability?"

"That is so," said the spy.

"How interesting," said the Kazekage. "There is just one thing to do about this."

* * *

The Kazekage saw another of his minions enter and nod to him. He inclined his head slightly to acknowledge the message.

A messenger bird had come with a note and a seal-paper. When he'd unfolded the seal and set it down per the instructions, he'd had a number of his jonin present. Just because there was a truce didn't mean taking unnecessary chances.

Naruto Uzumaki, possessor of the Teleport kekkei genkai. Because he was limited in how many he could transport, and it took five minutes with a very visible teleport effect - it was not as concerning as it might have been.

Useful yes. Potentially VERY useful. The seal itself was now tacked to the floor of a small booth out in the open where a guard post was normally stationed anyway. At the first hint of silver fire the word would be passed.

The Kazekage had noted the amount of space the dome had taken up and figured that five people could fit in there if they crammed together tightly. He'd also made note that Uzumaki had been tired and had chugged a good half of a water bottle on arrival. The teleporter had recovered quickly, but would be at a combat disadvantage upon first arrival.

One didn't get to be Kazekage by being unobservant.

He drew the blade, partially, from the scabbard and admired it again. Lygrist was its name, or as Uzumaki had explained, _Snake Cleaver_. There was much about it he didn't know. A straight-bladed longsword of silvery metal with dark blue lines in the metal itself. The edge was sharp enough, the Kazekage thought in a brief touch of whimsy, to cut the wind itself.

Yet a ninja had to look beyond surfaces for hidden meanings. The Kazekage handed the blade over to a retainer who would put it away in an appropriate location.

A sword of power, a gift from a far-off nation to the Hokage who regifted it to the Kazekage. Officially it was because Sarutobi was NOT as good with a sword as with some other weapons, and because he valued the peace that now existed between the Shinobi Nations.

Unofficially, the Kazekage saw the message as well. A request to stand WITH Konohagakure and mutually profit.

"I told that boy that I'd send a decision as to what to do with... is there something wrong?" The Kazekage turned his attention to the servitor that had been walking away with the sword and who now stood there looking puzzled.

"Pardon, sir," said the servitor, "but the sword just... moved."

"Eh?" asked the Kazekage, who got up and took the sword back. He frowned as he felt it when he grasped the grip of the weapon. It was stirring, giving off the feeling of being alert. Then, in a single motion, he drew it.

The feeling of alertness exploded as soon as the tip cleared the scabbard.

One of his servants hissed and drew back, a ghostly snake whispering in his ear becoming visible to the Kazekage as the sword pulsed in his hand.

"How interesting. I think," said the Kazekage, pointing with the sword tip. "That a little talk may be in order."

"AIIEEEEEEE!" The servant dropped the tray and began to run, which was considered a confession of guilt by just about everyone present.

* * *

It took over an hour for the interrogation to wring the details out, which left the Kazekage idly tapping the sword he now had secured to a belt. "Why would an S-Class criminal like Orochimaru be interested in MY whereabouts?"

"You ARE the Kazekage, sir," pointed out Baki, one of the most trusted of Jonin.

"I have a feeling there is more to it than that," said the Kazekage. "Just for him to send a spy in amongst my staff represents a drain in resources that most people hiding from authorities would not be inclined to do."

"Orochimaru, sir, is NOT a typical S-Class," said Baki.

"Sunagakure may be in danger of more than being undercut on prices by Konohagakure," said the Kazekage. "I will take three of my jonin to investigate personally the rendevous point our spy was going to meet his contact at."

"Are you sure that's wise?" asked Baki. "Going yourself?"

"It is a month from now," said the Kazekage. "In the meantime, take this sword and put it up over the door there. Have someone keep an eye on it at all times. If someone enters and the blade shifts even a finger's width - we'll know who the replacement spy is."

Baki felt several objections come to mind immediately, but saw the cold gaze of his Kazekage and held his tongue. "Yes, sir."

* * *

Some drow were born as the higher-ups of the various Houses that dominated drow life. Aristocracy who spent all their lives fighting amongst themselves and taking things out on those of lower birth than themselves.

She was one of those lowborn. Born a slave, lived as a slave, who didn't know another life.

When she'd been rescued by the strange surfacedweller, she'd recognized his power and done what had seemed completely natural for her. She'd sworn service to the stranger, forsaking her old (and unlamentedly deceased) masters and thereby increasing her chances of survival.

It had taken more than a week for her to convince him that this was what she considered normal and natural.

She was fond of the uniform when someone finally figured out what it was supposed to look like, and could put it together.

The expressions on the part of Lady Hinata and Lord Naruto (or Mistress and Master if one preferred) combined shocked and other things that she was not familiar with. But they DID agree that it was better than the diaphonous outfits she was used to, or naked which was also something she'd done more often than not.

Actually the outfit covered quite a lot of skin, some of the scars she was a bit self-conscious about, and it provided a lot of places one could hide weapons - which was a good thing considering what she'd been able to understand of the Master and Mistress' occupation.

Now she was with Lord Naruto and Lady Hinata (they seemed more at ease with this sort of term used to reference them than her previous method of referring to them) and was in the presence of their king/overlord/high priest?

As was the case with their odd language, Lord Naruto of House Uzumaki being the only one who had that odd translation effect going, she was only able to understand brief snatches. Most of it used words and sometimes concepts she was utterly unfamiliar with.

Her eyes flicked from the too-bright windows to the various furnishings of the room to her Masters, to their King.

The term 'ninja' was used - which indicated the profession that she understood the Master and Mistress practiced. The term 'drow' was of course a reference to her own species. 'Konoha' - sometimes followed by 'gakure' was a reference to the settlement.

"If this one should be trained in combat, to better fit in with the service to the Master and Mistress, then this one would be pleased to do so," said the slave. Which was the truth. Service to this Master and Mistress had been oddly pleasing. They had not so far done so much as raise a switch to her, nor even raised their voices except in alarm a few times. There was something else that had occurred several times so far, which she hadn't quite understood herself. There was nothing of amusement in her previous life but she'd found herself laughing aloud when the Mistress had accidently drenched the Master in purluu juice and then become focussed on trying to get his clothes off of him. When the Mistress had realized what she'd been intent on, that fair skin had changed color to a bright red that seemed incandescent to her darksight. Which had furthered the bubbling up feeling within her.

It was odd, she'd only heard laughter before from a Mistress when torturing a victim or servant. This was entirely different somehow.

She'd been allowed to arm herself after awhile. So far her only regret had been that they had given her a name of 'ruby' - which she understood to refer to her eyes. She thought that overly extravagant as she was simply a lowborn, and naming her after a gemstone far too above that station.

Not that she was going to refuse it. Her last Mistress had given her the name of 'sickly maggot.'

Master Naruto turned to regard her, noting her position kneeling on the floor and cleared his throat. "You know, you could take a seat."

"I would not think of it," said Ruby, managing to sound properly scandalized.

Once again Master Naruto got that bit-into-something-bitter expression and slumped a little as he returned his attention to the aged King.

Ruby was surprised when the King's look indicated he'd caught her brief smirk at the antics of the Master, and merely raised an eloquent eyebrow. He too looked amused, and not in the manner of a Mistress listening to the cries of pain and despair of those under her control.

Yes, Ruby thought to herself, she definitely preferred her current Master and Mistress to the one she'd previously had. Now if she could just convince them to stop trying to turn her loose. She'd have to find a way to make sure that they knew how valuable she could be as their servant.

* * *

"She's learning the language, but she don't speak much of it, and apparently I can't teach her a damn thing," complained Naruto. "Anything I say gets translated. Hinata's doing a better job of that."

"Then she should take this 'drow' under her wing," said the Third Hokage. "There are jobs that a non-ninja can do around the village, and since she seems to refuse to leave you..."

"Yes, uhm, that does seem to be the case," admitted Hinata.

"Then it is settled," said the Hokage. "She will be your personal retainer, and you can teach her the language. Eventually she may find a job away from you two but the language barrier will have to be overcome before that becomes an issue."

* * *

"Temari," said the Kazekage. "You have done well with your wind-style ninjutsu, you are excellent in taijutsu. Now I have the most difficult task ever for you. It is a task that will be difficult, hazardous, and carries great risk. Yet if you complete the task, the rewards for our village are great."

"Leave it to me," said Temari with a smirk. Someone needed to have their butt whupped, she was ready.

"Not me?" asked Gaara, who'd accompanied his sister.

"I can't do this?" asked Kankuro.

"The summons was for Temari alone, and neither of you are suited for this task," said the Kazekage.

"Huh," mused Temari aloud, "so it must be something that requires speed."

"Fast would be good," said the Kazekage. "It might take longer than that though. Baki."

Baki stepped forward, holding a photograph taken at some distance of a young man in a marketplace.

"So I have to kill him?" asked Temari.

"No. That would be exactly the opposite of what needs to be done," said the Kazekage. "Baki? If you'll give them the basics of the target?"

"Naruto Uzumaki, who we have identified as the carrier of the Ninetailed Demon Fox," said Baki. "Gennin, recently graduated from their Ninja Academy. Has not been assigned to a three man squad yet due to extenuating circumstances."

"That's all? I have to, wait - you said opposite of kill?" asked Temari. "What does that mean?"

"In addition to containing the Ninetails," continued the Kazekage, noting Gaara's interest at that point, "it turns out his bloodline contains a powerful kekkei genkai. A teleport technique that can allow him to carry a small number of people across any distance within the span of five minutes."

"Okay..." said Temari, switching tracks. "So you need someone who is more of a strategist. I see." So instead of physical abilities - they needed her mental abilities. "So I should observe Uzumaki, determine what limitations are on his ability, and how to defend against it. Hmmmm."

Catching her whisper, Gaara and Kankuro both acknowledged it with frowns for different reasons.

"I have already sent a runner to Konoha, you will be engaged to Naruto Uzumaki and will attempt to acquire his bloodline talent for our village," said the Kazekage. "I have absolute faith in your ability to accomplish this mission."

"Don't worry, I can do it!" declared Temari with confidence. Then she frowned. "Wait. What?"

* * *

Hinata dropped her hand occasionally to her knife as she made her way to the family compound for the first time in a very eventful day (their reckoning) or over two months (her own experience) depending on how one looked at it.

Dulin was its name, the elven word for Nightingale. Which might have been an odd name for a dagger, but Hinata was also familiar with its history.

Naruto had picked it up from one of the dark elven women who'd been throwing sprays of colored light around in an effort to kill him. He'd handed it off to her as part of what he understood the local customs to be - picked up from comments of the rescued prisoners. She had treasured it then, as a gift from Naruto.

She treasured it now even more, and not simply because it was a gift from Naruto.

Surface elves had made it and she'd gotten more of the history from a weapons fancier who studied such things and had been fascinated with it the moment he'd seen it. He'd told her what he knew of it, which hadn't been all that much. It was over a thousand years old, and had been wielded by mages among the elves for most of that time. The speculation was that the drow elf who'd had the blade prior to Naruto's claiming of it had taken it from the corpse of an elven merchant-mage who'd probably inherited it.

The blade itself was the length of elbow to wrist on her, a thin double-edged blade of silver-white metal with a grip of some greenish leather. Basilisk hide, or so she was told.

The blade's abilities were simple enough. The surface of the blade glowed with a cold blue radiance. It never rusted nor needed sharpening. It also sang, hence the name. She could hear it when it was sheathed, though only in her mind when the blade was close at hand. She normally wore it on a forearm sheath or at her belt. When the songbird was quiet, nothing was going on. When the songbird sounded alarm, there was hostile intent within arrowshot directed at her or those nearby. She was still learning and interpreting the other songs.

It was the song of alarm that was so incredibly useful to her. Hinata could not use the Byakugan for an extended period without exhausting herself. When the alarm was cried, she knew to activate her Byakugan then and find the cause.

This had saved her life, and Naruto's life, in that other world.

The blade, with the crosspiece of outswept wings, seemed to settle further into her hand when she let it.

She could see it. Currents of something like chakra flowed through the blade and under the leather grip into the pommel stone. The blade was alive in a way. Not necessarily intelligent, but as alive as a thing of crafted metal and used a thousand years could be.

When Hinata reached the Hyuga family compound, she saw the double-takes of the guards. She'd changed in the months they'd been gone. Perhaps it was the clothes? Or was it that she'd gotten just a little taller?

It couldn't have been Ruby's presence, as they were not staring at the drow elf. She herself hadn't changed THAT much, had she?

* * *

Hinata entered the compound as if she hadn't seen it for a time. Which was true, from her point of view.

Her father striding towards her was expected, as was Ruby's reaction of brushing her skirt and apron as if straightening them.

Her father came to a stop and glanced at Ruby, not fooled. "Who is this?"

"This is Ruby, who has sworn to my service," said Hinata.

* * *

Hiashi Hyuga had heard of Naruto Uzumaki, his Teleport technique, and had seen the trade delegation from a distance.

Also from a distance, he'd observed Hinata. Who was carrying herself with a LOT more confidence.

Hinata was also carrying a long foreign-looking knife, wearing a set of black silk that was slightly baggy and had a hood that could be pulled up to form a cowl around her head. Bracers of some odd metal riveted onto an equally odd leather. Several pouches. Also an amulet of some kind, visible hanging just under her throat.

The Hyuga clan was trained to read body language, to pay attention to details and be able to interpret them, and other similar things. The use of their Byakugan could be optimized with such skills.

Hinata was quietly confident, more so than he'd ever remembered seeing her. No cringing or flinching. Nervous, yes.

"What IS that you're wearing?" asked Hiashi, not intending it to be harsh - more a stall while he went over the various details and tried to fit the pieces together.

"Oh, this is a black spider silk explorer's outfit," said Hinata, apparently grateful for a neutral topic. "Because it's made from the silk of giant cave spiders it's actually quite durable."

The darkskinned girl with the pointed ears settled into a stance that looked deferential and polite, but Hiashi could tell that her hands were near a set of slender throwing knives. A bodyguard of some sorts? Why would any Hyuga require a bodyguard?

"Hmph," said Hiashi aloud. "Are you ready for some sparring?"

"Ruby, this is my father," said Hinata. "He is the head of my clan, and my teacher."

The bodyguard in the maid outfit moved slightly, her neatly folded hands no longer edging towards a decorative frill that had three knives concealed there. "As my lady wishes."

"I had hoped to be able to rest a little," said Hinata, inclining her head, "but if that is your wish, Father."

Hiashi waited until the maid had taken a position to the side and then assessed his eldest daughter again. She seemed relaxed, loose, still...

"Byakugan," said father and daughter simultaneously.

"Holy goddess, bless this supplicant," whispered Hinata, touching the barely-showing amulet.

Hiashi didn't let his frown deepen as a tendril of blue chakra(?) wisped out around Hinata.

Nor did he let his surprise show at the OTHER odd things he was seeing. A ring on one finger, which glimmered with a dull green light. The bracers also had an odd look, shifting colors to a dull blue under the Byakugan. The dagger at her belt, even as it was unclipped and lightly tossed to the maid - almost looked alive as chakra flowed through it.

Hiashi moved in the moment of inattention, intending to test Hinata's reaction time.

Hinata bent out of the way, showing that her apparent inattention was an illusion. Her counterstrike barely missed him and only because he'd half-expected it.

That clinched something in his mind. Hinata had seen combat. Not merely sparring, but the sort of opponent who would kill you if you gave them that chance.

Then Hinata did something unexpected, she extended her chakra to project from her fingertips by a distance of several inches.

Such a thing wasn't unknown, but it was inefficient and didn't do that much good. Hiashi responded by sending a couple of quick jabs at his daughter.

Who bent and then somersaulted out of the way.

Hiashi frowned as he detected the cut on one sleeve made by a blade of chakra.

The bodyguard-maid said something in a harsh-sounding language.

Hinata apparently understood at least some of that, making a gesture of a closed fist waving side to side.

Again the bodyguard-maid said something, a single short noise deep in the throat.

Hinata dropped the chakra-knife technique, understandable as it WAS inefficient and draining.

They were both breathing hard after a few minutes.

Hiashi Hyuga was experienced on the field of battle himself. He'd taken part in ninja wars, and he'd been part of a three man squad.

That, and that he had been trying to gauge her abilities instead of trying to crush her completely, had been why the fight had taken as long as it had.

"What are those odd rays and auras?" asked Hiashi as a servitor brought fresh towels.

"I am an acolyte of the Church of Sune," said Hinata after a deep breath. "I have access to certain abilities as such."

"Never heard of it," said Hiashi, frowning at the thought of one of his daughters joining some cult.

"In that world, there are beings of great power, and one has to choose a patron among them - especially when you're engaged in fighting servants of one of their number," said Hinata with a shrug. "The goddess Sune is 'The Lady Of Love' and the chosen goddess of artists and those who love another. She encourages the creation and sharing of beauty."

"Ah, so it was a practical decision based on that other world's environment," said Hiashi with a nod. Sort of like fitting in with the locals to better accomplish a mission. Acceptable.

Harsh syllables ending in an interrogative from the darkskinned maid.

"I have to teach her the local language and customs, per the Hokage's orders," said Hinata.

"Well, if it's a mission from the Hokage, you must then," said Hiashi, managing not to limp until AFTER he'd left the dojo. Form counted after all.

* * *

Ruby was quite familiar with the concept of hidden bodyguards and DID understand that this was a village of 'hidden warriors' (which she mainly understood as some kind of ranger/mage combination) and so the hidden watchers concerned her not much beyond letting the Lady Hinata know about them.

Not that the Lady Hinata needed more than the occasional prompt. Her clairvoyant abilities were quite impressive, especially when bolstered by the dagger that had been taken as loot from the High Priestess' lover. Ruby allowed a smile to briefly cross her face as that woman, a high ranked mage-cleric had been killed by Lord Naruto's solid mirror-images.

The dagger itself had no doubt played its own part. It had chafed at being used by such as the former Mistresses. Certainly the High Priestess and her lover had mentioned that and that they would enjoy breaking the will within the dagger. It might not have been a weapon of epic power, or a weapon with intelligence of its own as such things were measured, but those were just conjectures drawn from Ruby's overhearing of such commentary.

Her own weapon, given to her from Lord Naruto himself, was a minor dagger taken from the corpse of the High Priestess. Nonmagical but expensive, a dwarf-forged masterwork worth more than she herself was if it were to be sold. That it came from her now-deceased and unlamented former Mistress made the owning of the weapon all the more sweet.

Ruby was not necessarily a nice person. She was, however, very survival-oriented. Her current Master and Mistress wanted her to 'play nice' and so she would. They had even tried on several occasions to free her.

Ruby had considered that the first time it had been offered. The problem being that she didn't really understand the concept. In some ways it was more frightening than facing a village of humans had been.

So she remained. With more duties and more benefits, better status and less beatings and torture. And if it gave her the opportunity to occasionally do something messily painful to former Mistresses or at least screw with them - she could definitely live with that.

The Mistress' father/teacher (Ruby wasn't sure which) made short comments and sounded dismissive. In other words, typical of either role in Ruby's experience. Except there were no whips and she didn't see any blood.

Of course the Mistress DID use that weird Monk-like combat style where a touch could leave an arm hanging useless at one's side or cause the victim to be gasping helplessly for breath. Still, neither Mistress nor her sensei were completely out of it.

That might have been because of the Mistress wearing that Ring Of Minor Regeneration or the Bracers Of Resistance or it might have been that the two were just very skilled.

The sensei of the Mistress was definitely the more battle-experienced of the two, but slightly slower and less flexible. Mistress had the edge in speed and flexibility, but lacked the reach of the sensei's arms and didn't have quite the experience.

The use of a clerical spell to produce a blast of holy radiance had apparently caught the sensei by surprise. This had been offset by the Mistress' inexperience and telegraphing the manuever enough for the sensei to pick up and twist out of the way of the attack. Mostly.

Had it been a real fight, Ruby would have quietly slipped a dagger through the ribs of the Mistress' opponent during that moment she had pressed him.

The hidden assailants had stirred themselves a couple of times, but that was probably just more of their strange ways. In a drow citadel, strips of flesh would have been removed as reminder to those who had revealed their position through such methods.

Ah, perhaps the Mistress was going to reveal her art now. Ruby understood that this was something the Mistress enjoyed, but it was also something of a religious observance. To each their own, Ruby supposed. In a drow citadel the religious observance usually involved something that caused screaming and wailing on the part of the victim. This "Sune" of the Mistress required arts of a generally more passive nature.

Ruby could appreciate it as the Mistress had chosen the art of cooking. Though it was a servant's duty to prepare meals, she knew her own tastes were different from her master and mistress' own. Not to mention her skills in such were mostly lacking.

Hinata Hyuga was expected to know and be good at certain things because she was of the main house of a noble family. A noble ninja family, but a daughter of such in any case.

She was shy and lacking in self-confidence, and that was part of her problem with her father and life in general. Nonetheless, even when it looked as if she would have to give up being a ninja - she was skilled at certain things that were expected of her and even her father didn't voice criticism of those areas. This last was why she had apparently settled on these as a refuge of sorts, finding comfort in them and had gotten even more skilled as a result.

Cooking was one of those things. She could do that quite well, except that she sometimes got a little carried away. Not with the ingredients or something like that, but with the amount of it. It was okay though, there was a branch family and there was always the neighbors. Most of whom were quite happy to have some of Hinata's home cooking to expand out their own selections.

When the choice had come for an Art to practice and share as a result of her association with the church of Sune, she fell back to her zone of comfort. Ino Yamanaka might have been better with the specialties involved with flower arranging, but Hinata wasn't far behind. When she was doing the tea ceremony, she was an island of tranquility and poise. Not so much as some, but certainly not far behind.

Hinata didn't have much confidence in anything, really. Her test scores were high, but not the best. Her flower arranging was third best. She was never the absolute best at anything, one of the things that had initially caused her despair, but she could focus in on those tasks like tea ceremony to the point where she wasn't aware of it.

If someone, like Statler for example, were to categorize Hinata - she would likely be the _Yamato Nadeshiko_ of the young kunoichi crop. Sakura was the _Brain_ and _Tsundere_, Ino was the _Rival_ and _Modern Ninja-girl Fashionista_ and so on.

She wasn't the absolute best, but she was within the top scorers. That didn't matter much when your father demanded perfection, but since flower arranging was pretty incomprehensible to Hiashi Hyuga and tea ceremony was beneath his notice - then he came down all the harder on the areas that WERE of consequence to him.

The drow of the Promenade had been honestly confused by the skills Hinata had shown. Flower arranging was completely alien to them, much less an art they could appreciate. Tea ceremony had likewise been part of a very different culture from anything they'd been exposed to. Cooking had involved foods not available in the Underdark.

The reception in Candlekeep had been somewhat different, they'd been familiar to several scholars through books but never seen firsthand. The merchants of Shou when they'd briefly interacted with them in Waterdeep had variants of the arts, and so there had been some understanding. In both cases, they'd been able to appreciate the basics at least.

It was in the practice of these Arts that Hinata had come to recharge her clerical abilities.

The presence of Ruby was an element she'd come to accept over the past two months. Hectic and eventful months to be sure, with only the practice of this Art as a moment of tranquility in the flow of events.

Ruby's eyes were watchful, though the pose was as close to her that of her "Lady Hinata" as she could manage. Though born with elven grace, there was a stiffness in one leg left over from an imperfect healing. That and Ruby could never seem to quite relax to the extent that Hinata was capable of. Ruby always seemed ready to bolt or attack at any given moment.

Hinata went through the practiced motions, striving for elegance, economy of movement, and to project the atmosphere of serenity that was so important.

Ruby mostly ignored such concerns, only remembering at the last moment to turn the cup three times and down the brew in three gulps.

Hinata was aware of the scrutiny coming from without the room. One of the drawbacks of being the heir of a house with the Byakugan. It was probably Hanabi.

Hinata didn't bother to check. If she was going to check anything, well that would be...

Despite not having the Byakugan or any similar ability, Ruby had no problem interpreting the faint blush and smile gracing the Lady Hinata's face. It was obvious that she was thinking of Lord Naruto.

Naruto, on the other hand, was elsewhere.

* * *

Jiraiya was easy to underestimate, nonetheless he WAS one of the three densetsu no sannin among the shinobi. When opportunity knocked, he knew that it didn't come around a second time all that often. He also knew that the teleport technique was a kekkei ginkai. No matter how long he studied, he'd never learn it - though he might be able to emulate some part of it.

He'd already worked out four potential ways it could be used as a defense technique. Six possible attack techniques using it. Not to mention the possibilities for noncombat use.

"So, the old man," said Naruto, sitting down across the table from this other old man.

"That's right," said Jiraiya, pouring a beverage into a tall glass filled with ice. "I'm Jiraiya, one of the three Great Sages. I'm also an author. Sip on this. It'll help."

"Huh?" asked Naruto.

"You're near the point of exhaustion," said Jiraiya, not without a certain degree of kindness. "How many teleports have you done so far today?"

Naruto sipped on the drink, eyes widening slightly at the flavor and how it DID seem to put a trace of life back into him almost as soon as it hit his taste buds. "Uhm. I dunno. I had to teleport to each of the Five Shinobi Nations, then over to Candlekeep, then to the Dalelands..."

"Those are in this other world?" asked Jiraiya.

"Yeah, then I had to go to Evermeet on some business of that old sage guy, though Hinata said he was studying my jutsu," said Naruto. "Then I had to come back and go to some stuffy old place the Hokage wanted set up."

"Yes," said Jiraiya agreeably, "the Hidden Ninja Valley Monastery and Commune."

"Yeah, the place they make those ninja food-bars," said Naruto with a trace of grumpiness.

"It's a retirement community for ninja who want to live out their end days in peace and quiet," said Jiraiya. "However, as it is also a neutral ground as regards all the ninja community - it can also be a hotbed of trading secrets and information."

"Yeah, whatever," grumped Naruto as he continued to sip at the drink. "What is this anyway?"

"It's a mix of dragonfruit and a few other juices," said Jiraiya. "Replaces fluids that you use up using a lot of jutsu."

"So where do you want me to port to?" asked Naruto.

"I just need to see one of your marker-seals," said Jiraiya. "Then I can set them up myself at a few places that are more fun than the Hidden Ninja Valley."

"More fun?" asked Naruto.

"Beaches," said Jiraiya. "Ski resorts. Tropical island getaways. I mentioned I'm an author, right?"

Naruto frowned as he went back over the conversation. "Yeah. What kinda books?"

"Oh, various kinds," said Jiraiya, waving it off. Also not mentioning a scenic overlook to a women's hot spring spa that was on his list of places to put those seals. "There's another reason for that though. I've been asked to oversee some of your training."

"Training?" asked Naruto.

"Yes, well, there were some objections to your continuing to use your jutsu," said Jiraiya, shrugging. "Mainly from representitives of shipping companies, mail and transport services, and so on."

Naruto sipped at his drink some more, face scrunched up to look particularly foxlike as he pondered this. "Fun places, huh?"

"All work and no play," said Jiraiya, "just leads to a stressed out ninja. Besides, you've got a fiancee, right? Think how nice it would be to go someplace like a beach resort in between missions with her."

"Ohhhh," said Naruto, eyes widening again as he considered that. "Training?"

"Yes, there are some basic jutsu I'll show you, then you can practice those, then we'll step things up," said Jiraiya.

"Really, like what?" asked Naruto, trying and failing miserably to not look interested at the prospect of new jutsu.

Jiraiya merely got up, put one foot against a wall, then walked up that wall to stand on the ceiling looking down at Naruto.

"Whoaaaaa," said Naruto. "That's a BASIC?"

"Oh yes," said Jiraiya. "This also emphasizes control and endurance. I'll explain the technique, you'll get a good night's sleep, and then there's your mission tomorrow."

"I got another mission tomorrow?" asked Naruto. On the one hand he wanted to sleep in late. On the other hand he felt his importance to the village was increasing with all this work thrown at him.

"Yes," said Jiraiya, not immediately explaining that some of these would make Naruto's life a lot more complicated.

* * *

Temari frowned as she straightened her outfit and considered the tough battle ahead of her.

"You're NOT going off to kill him, you know," said Kankuro from where he was fiddling with a small puppet.

"What's that?" asked Temari.

"You're clenching your fists, grimacing, and looking like you're getting ready to spatter someone's body across the landscape," said Kankuro, looking up from his work. "Considering your mission, that's a good way to fail before you've even started."

"Well, excuse me for not being some graceful flower," growled Temari, though she realized that it was probably accurate. She tried to force herself to relax a bit. "No, I meant what is that puppet?"

"Oh, I'm trying to work out something a little less obvious and deadly than I usually do," said Kankuro thoughtfully returning his attention to the puppet. "It's really quite a challenge. I decided to go with a spider puppet."

"Anyone seeing a spider bigger than your head is going to find that pretty alarming no matter if they recognize it as a puppet or not," pointed out Temari.

"This is just a prototype," said Kankuro defensively. "I'll eventually make a crow-puppet. This one is just for me to get the hang of extending chakra lines to a distance."

Temari shook her head, crossed to a mirror, then tried a few moves. She saw Gaara come in, but decided to try ignoring him. It was safer for one thing.

She tried thrusting out one hip, turning partially and directing a seductive look at the mirror.

_snerk_

A glare sent at Kankuro caused him to rededicate his attention to his spider-puppet.

Temari tried again, trying to project sexiness and to be flirty.

"Is she constipated or something?" asked Gaara.

"She's trying to figure out how to seduce the Ninetailed Fox Carrier," said Kankuro helpfully.

"Oh," said Gaara, considering that. "Would it help if I threatened him with a Sand Coffin if he failed to take advantage of her?"

"Honestly, I think that might be..." Kankuro looked for a way to politely phrase this "...counter-productive."

"Do you mind?!" growled Temari.

Sand began slithering in through the window.

"Nevermind," said Temari, backing away from the window. "I've got to do this on my own, you know. It's my mission."

A minor ninja stuck his head in the doorway. "The seal just lit up. Uzumaki is on his way."

Temari let out a deep breath and decided on her approach to this assignment.

* * *

On meeting Naruto Uzumaki for the first time, Temari could sum up her reaction with a single word.

Underwhelmed.

Naruto turned out to be a sort of fox-ish look about him, though he had a typical lean musculature for a ninja. Young. Not especially cool or handsome or powerful-looking. He didn't seem to have great intellectual prowess, something she would have found intriguing as she LIKED smart. Probably because planning and cleverness was not a dominant trait in either of her brothers.

He had appeared in a dome of green or silver fire. It had been a minor interest in that she couldn't decide which it was, as if the color couldn't quite decide itself.

Still, there was a seriousness about him she hadn't expected. He was someone who had already been tried in combat.

The older guy with him she knew as well, by reputation. Jiraiya, one of Konoha's three Great Sages. He was the Toad Sage and supposedly easily distracted by feminine wiles, but quite formidable when he turned serious.

Gaara was looking on, interested, apparently having heard the stories himself. Temari noted this and decided to make a move now rather than have a certain bloodthirsty brother try his mettle against a Sage.

"So you're Naruto Uzumaki," said Temari, stepping forward and giving an obvious up-and-down scrutiny to Naruto. "I take it you know why I'm coming back with you?"

"Yeah, some sort of cross-training exercise with a member of the Sands Village operating with Leaf Village," said Naruto.

"And?" prompted Temari, who glanced at Jiraiya. Jiraiya shook his head once. Temari frowned at that, taking it to indicate that the engagement hadn't been mentioned for some reason.

"Learning something of sorcery or one of the other skills they practice back on Faerun, right?" asked Naruto.

"Something like that," said Temari, deciding that she was going to question people as to WHY the boy wasn't informed of that arrangement. Without that little tidbit, it was going to make her job all the harder.

Not that she wasn't up to it.

"Yes, this 'magic' ninjutsu I've heard of," said Temari. "I'll need to see something of it."

Naruto nodded and pointed at a trash can and said something that seemed to echo slightly in the air.

Temari watched as first dew formed on it, then the dew froze. When she touched the metal of the recycle bin, despite it being in the blazing sun they were used to in the Hidden Village Of Sand, it was extremely cold.

Temari considered that from the viewpoint of someone who'd lived in a desert all her life, with brief sojourns to areas that were more green. An emulated ice jutsu meant being able to gather moisture out of the air and provide cooling for people who'd been out in the sun too long. Both concerns she was well acquainted with.

The Kazekage appeared with his retinue, made a few comments that were political speak - indicating nothing of substance but just meant to mark this cooperation between rivals. Not that it couldn't all fall apart in minutes. When he got closer he leaned close in a manner to suggest he was giving encouragement.

"If you fail, I promised Gaara he could practice the Sandworm Bath technique," whispered the Kazekage, who then continued on his way. "Remember that."

* * *

"Uhm, sensei?" asked Naruto of Jiraiya. "Why did she just turn pure white, start sweating, and get an expression as if she was faced with a horror beyond anything sane?"

"I don't know," admitted Jiraiya. "I was just wondering that myself."

* * *

Temari slowly became aware that the two were waiting for her. Well, she'd show them! She'd show them all! She had rushed out last night and gotten a copy of '_Sexy Kunoichi vol. 4: Leaf Shadow, Dragon's Coil_' to figure out her attack plan!

* * *

Jiraiya spotted the book that Temari was studying. He was even familiar with it.

It was one of his better sellers actually.

He hadn't remembered much of the dream that inspired it, falling down a rabbit hole and being confronted with a plaid cat being details that lingered. Yet when he'd put pen to paper, decided on the basics, and began writing - it had just FLOWED out. All writers got this at times, he'd met a few and they'd described that same creative flow. This had been incredible though. When he'd submitted it, the book had sold immediately and he'd ended up put in touch with the artist who would put in the occasional woodcut-style illustration.

Some of the suggestions from that artist had ended up in the two volumes which had followed.

Honey. One of several kunoichi in the overall story arc. The central character in the first three. A woman of a thousand disguises, who longed for a home and family that she could never have, and a jonin-level specialist in swordfighting with especially high marks in water ninjutsu. Who fought against an enemy named Zora who was the commander of the evil forces who had destroyed her village.

The fourth book (Sexy Kunoichi 4: Leaf Shadow, Dragon's Coil) took a character who'd interacted with Honey in all three books and thrust HER in the spotlight. A kunoichi of the Hidden Leaf Village, one who'd fought alongside Honey but been better at the seduction and infiltration end of things.

He was working on Sexy Kunoichi 5, or at least gathering the notes. Maybe a kunoichi of the Sand? That way he could do a book starring each of the Great Shinobi Nations, gather intel at the same time both on specific kunoichi and on the ninja villages involved, then...

Honey tended to end her adventures with a big explosion. Tisa had ended volume 4 with sliding among silk sheets while the boat she was on sailed away from the scene of her climatic battle. Have to go with something different. Maybe he should use the perfume and poison expert Najica for #5.

Yeah, that would work.

Honey was the heroine of the first three, and for continuity purposes he'd have her as a walk-on character during the events in the other novels, allowing him to then bring her in again later. Hmmm.

"So, about this team?" asked Temari eventually. "Standard three man team with a supervising jonin?"

"That's the plan, though I might not be around all the time for the jonin position," said Jiraiya. "I have my writing career to think of."

"Oh?" asked Temari, only half-listening. "What have you written?"

"Gutsy Ninja series, Make Out series, Sexy Kunoichi series," said Jiraiya, "a set of cookbooks for ninjas-on-the-go, and a children's book '_Alone In A Crowd'_ which mainly deals with children growing up without parents. Like children of ninja whose parents were lost in one of the Ninja Wars. Things like that."

"Oh, I see," said Temari. "Wait. What?!"

"Yeah, I mean even I heard of him when he mentioned he's the one who wrote 'A Ninja's Life Is One Of Hardship (but you sure don't have to eat that way)' - THE on-the-road cookbook for ninja!" said Naruto. "Hinata even had a copy of that with her. She left it in the Realms in Candlekeep."

"Really?" said Jiraiya, considering how maybe there would be new markets for his work. Might have to check THAT out too. On thinking about it, it sounded even better. He might have to have Naruto drop him off in this other world so that he could see what kind of beautiful women what resources and politics this other world possessed.

"Yeah, some of those monks were using some spell to read that stuff, cause none of them speak the local language much less read it, and they were translating stuff that way," said Naruto, oblivious to the trouble brewing.

"Yes, the team to comprise of Naruto, Temari, and Hinata," said Jiraiya absently as he considered something else privately. "What about that maid you two picked up?"

"'Maid?'" asked Temari, wondering what else she didn't know about her mission.

"Drow elf named Ruby, I've tried to set her free but she refuses," said Naruto. "She comes from a really nasty culture. Once me and Hinata were staying at this tavern about a day's run from Candlekeep, and the waitress spilled some ale on me. I thought Ruby was gonna kill the waitress."

"She got angry about that?" asked Temari, who could see that happening.

"No!" said Naruto, frowning as he remembered. "I mean LITERALLY kill. She had the waitress by the hair and a knife across the gal's throat before we could stop her. That wasn't the only time too. We think we finally got her understanding things a little better though. I think we ought to have her around for a little while, just to keep an eye on her. Just in case."

"Who's 'Hinata' then?" asked Temari.

"She's a ninja with the Byakugan," said Naruto. "Really good with that too. Heck, you should have seen her when we were retook this dwarven citadel."

"A 'dwarven citadel'?" asked Temari, prompting for more details. It sounded as if the situation was VERY complicated.

"Yeah, we staged from this other place called Mithril Hall, met the King there, and we helped retake a dwarven citadel," said Naruto enthusiastically. "Hinata used her Byakugan to find secret passages and stuff, I used teleports to bring troops in behind the enemy lines once we got some ranger's animal companion to sneak back there with one of my target seals. It was a BIG fight."

"I see," said Temari, picturing it as a ninja war with retaking a village that had been overrun by another ninja clan. "And this 'Ruby' participated?"

"Yeah, actually, she stuck near Hinata for the most part," said Naruto as he tried to remember details. "So much was going on just then, but yeah, I think that's where she was. King Bruenor said he owed us, that we were a big help."

"I see," said Temari, figuring that Naruto might be as simple as he appeared - but probably had a number of useful skills including that bloodline ability of his.

"Oh yeah, if you're on the same team..." said Naruto, fiddling around in a pocket. "This might be handy."

Temari felt her eyes widen as she saw it. A ring of silver wire with three very shiny white gemstones. Not only was he offering her a RING, but it looked hideously expensive as well.

"What's that?" asked Jiraiya.

"Magic ring, we got a few things like that when we were taking the city back," said Naruto. "That one's got an enchantment on it that makes you more resistant to poisons."

Temari involuntarily staggered. It didn't keep her from snagging the ring she was being offered. Nor did it keep her from slipping it on a finger and frowning thoughtfully as she felt something flow out from the ring even as it seemed to adjust itself to fit on her finger, a brief prickly sensation that faded immediately. More expensive than she'd typically see from an S-class mission plus it gave her a useful benefit?!

Temari considered that as they walked through the village, and the possibility that the Kazekage had NOT been kidding about seeing possibilities out of this Naruto and his kekkei genkai. The potential value of this little gift? It would be fit for one of the feudal lords at the very least.

"So," not so subtly interjected Jiraiya. "Got anything for your sensei and team leader?"

"Not sure," said Naruto. "Hey, Hinata!"

Temari looked to see this girl, still trying to figure out whether this was a rival to her mission goal, someone to try and befriend in order to better accomplish that mission, or what.

The girl looked like the 'yamato nadesico' type. Temari stopped sneering the moment she realized she was doing it. The soft "little princess" type who'd collapse if you spoke harshly to her. No threat.

Past her though was obviously this "Ruby" they'd spoken of. Dark skin, made the more striking by hair that was a gleaming white. Red eyes that studied her while the owner of those eyes was facing in another direction. That she WAS being scrutinized as a potential threat and watched carefully for signs of aggression - Temari had no doubt of that. Temari actually thought, coloration and pointed ears to the side, that she saw something of herself in this other. A slight nod of that head indicated that this 'Ruby' recognized the same thing.

* * *

Ruby observed as she normally did. She was, as were the vast majority of drow, ultimately out for herself. That wasn't to say she wasn't loyal to Lady Hinata and Lord Naruto. Serving them had done well by her so far, and while she disagreed with them philosophically on a number of points she was pragmatic enough that she wasn't going to object. The two weren't likely to whip her, no matter how badly she performed, but certainly had let her know when she'd performed actions they didn't approve of. Sometimes very loudly. Honestly, it wasn't like she'd KILLED anyone!

This new girl on the other hand, had a quality of familiar cruelty about her. Someone who had signs of a tough life and the strength and ruthlessness to use whatever means necessary to reach her goals.

She would bear watching.

* * *

"Okay, and so WHY are we doing this?!" asked Naruto.

**Team Jiraiya**  
Naruto Uzumaki  
Hinata Hyuga  
Temari of the Sand  
Ruby (support)

"Politics," said Jiraiya.

"Well, get the politics to do the work," complained Naruto.

"Heh," said Temari, agreeing with the sentiment. Even if she knew how impossible that generally was.

"If only it were that easy," said Jiraiya.

Sasuke Uchiha looked over, seemed to consider half a dozen negative comments, then just inclined his head in greeting.

"Hey!" said Naruto in reply. "How's your team working out?"

"Pfeh," said Sasuke, turning away and walking off to brood.

**Team Kakashi**  
Sasuke Uchiha  
Sakura Haruno  
Shinobu of the Leaf

"Uh, right," said Naruto.

"I take it things are not going well with that group?" asked Temari.

"Sasuke is a very focussed, very top-scoring," said Jiraiya, pausing as he searched for the word.

"Anal retentive vengeance-obsessed ninja," said Kiba as he stepped closer. "Kinda talented though. I guess."

**Team Kurenai**  
Kiba Inuzaka  
Shino Aburame  
Misao Makimachi

"All of them?" asked Naruto. "I don't know I can DO this many at once. Even when I was transporting the dwarves and their equipment I had to make several trips."

"It does seem fairly excessive," said Jiraiya.

"As I understand it," said Kiba. "Word got out that there was one group to accompany you. Then more people got the word."

"Arf," said Akamaru.

Kiba nodded in response to whatever Akamaru had just said.

"What he say?" asked Naruto.

"Dogs can't talk," said Temari dismissively.

"Oh, Akamaru just said that 'chaos has a tendency to accumulate' or something like that," said Kiba.

Akamaru rolled his eyes and gave a half-growl/half-whine.

Temari blinked and wondered if she'd just imagined that. Couldn't be, right?

Naruto grumbled a bit but finally asked the obvious question. "Where am I supposed to go with all these?"

"They didn't tell you?" asked Kiba, surprised.

"Word came down this morning that a group from the 'Realms' had a mission, and the decision was to give it to some group other than ours," said Jiraiya. "I'm a little surprised that word spread so quickly."

"I just got back from the Sand Village," complained Naruto.

"Huh," said Kiba. "What I heard was that they wanted more than one team to check out these groups."

"So what's the mission?" asked Naruto, glancing at Jiraiya.

"Oh," said Jiraiya, trying not to think of various opportunities. "They wanted a ninja team to be guest participants for an eating contest... oh. That explains why half the village wants in."

* * *

"We have to hurry!" said Asuma, having to hang back with the rest of his team.

"Whatta pain," complained Shikamaru. "We just got done with catching rats." His voice conveyed what a pain he thought the whole thing had been.

"Is it a cool mission?" asked Ino.

"Can't we just stop," complained Choji.

"We have to get back to the village right away or we'll miss this opportunity," said Asuma. "If you don't WANT this mission."

Seeing as their leader had finally stopped, everyone else did too. Choji taking the opportunity to flop down and open a bag of chips.

"What's the hurry anyway? What was in that message?" asked Shikamaru.

"A mission that involves several teams, including Team 7," said Asuma.

"Sasuke?!" said Ino, straightening and looking much more enthusiastic.

"Some sort of joint exercise?" asked Shikamaru.

"Naruto Uzumaki learned he has a kekkei genkai - a teleport ability," began Asuma.

"Yeah, we heard the rumors, some kind of other world?" asked Shikamaru, wondering if they had a nice quiet spot where he could simply sit back and watch the clouds.

"Yes, and apparently this kingdom has asked for representitives from our world to be judges in a food contest," said Asuma, looking out of the corner of his eyes at Choji who HAD been the slowest of the group.

"A what?" asked Choji as he momentarily stopped munching chips.

"Specifically, an eating contest," said Asuma. "They've apparently got this old traditional contest dealing with food and drink and such. They want to get to know their new trading partners in such contests and there's supposed to be a great prize for the winner."

"An EATING contest?" asked Choji, disbelief showing on his features.

"Yeah, but we'd have to get back to the village in a couple of hours at most," said Asuma.

"Well, WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR?!" yelled Choji, charging off.

"That was cruel," said Shikamaru as the sounds of crashing vegetation receded into the distance.

"But effective and true," said Asuma.

* * *

Sasuke Uchiha was not happy.

Normally he was vengeance-obsessed but that was more a matter of moment-to-moment with normal moods in between periods of brooding over the need to avenge his clan by killing his brother. Didn't mean he couldn't have an amusing moment, enjoy the occasional banana crepe from that vendor across town, or feel the pleasure of mastering a new jutsu. It just meant that he'd return to brooding over vengeance and loss as a sort of base-normal for him.

This was different.

The girls surrounding him had gradually dissipated and he just had to worry about two obsessive types. One of whom was on the team with him.

Then there was the other girl. Shinobu. Prior to being teamed with Shinobu, he would have thought Naruto was the number one knucklehead ninja of the village. The Village Idiot - someone had called him once. Naruto would have been preferable, especially with the Teleport technique.

That Shinobu typically deflected Sakura's advances because the ditzy kunoichi was interested in Sakura for herself was only enough to make Shinobu slightly more tolerable. That they had had two missions so far and had... what was the term the Hokage had used? Oh yes, 'bollixed things up right royally' - that was the phrase.

They had been sent to get the Lord Of Fire's Mistress' cat and bring it back alive. NOT blow the cat up. The bills involved had further removed things from the 'Mission Successfully Completed' category to such a point that it was likely to become an example in how NOT to proceed with a rescue/retrieval operation.

No, Sasuke Uchiha was not a happy ninja at all.

He was watching curiously as Naruto began the technique, a spark appearing between his steepled forefingers expanding outward to a bubble that surrounded them. He ignored the way Shinobu squealed in mock-fright to cling to (and not incidently grope) Sakura. He also ignored the way Sakura growled and tried to pry the affectionate leech off of her.

"You two ought to knock that off," said Kakashi in his habitual slouch. "We ARE representing the village and our Nation."

"Speak for yourself," said a blonde girl he didn't know.

"Well, you're representing your own village and nation," said Kakashi with a little shrug.

Sasuke watched, a little fascinated despite himself, as the scenery outside the dome shifted and blurred and then was gone. Several things were obvious to him. One being that the 'dome' was actually a were standing on... nothing. With nothing outside the dome.

The silver and green fire was harder to figure out. What color exactly was it?

Then both were gone and they were elsewhere with Naruto drawing deep breaths and the two teams taking the opportunity to spread out.

"Naruto will have to make the next trip when he's had a chance to catch his breath," noted Kakashi.


	3. Chapter 3: northstar mischief

**Another Fistful Of Omake**

by Greylle

DISCLAIMER: Original series belong to someone else.  
NOTE: The following are just ideas that are not currently being pursued. Anyone wanting to use or continue them are welcome to, just credit me for the initial twist OK?

chapter three: Northstar fragment

You can see chapter 2 of these omake for the events prior to the start here. The divergence is the first paragraph.

originally posted under another of my pseudonyms, Kestral, at the Anime Addventure.

* * *

_I'll have to flash teach you,_ said the voice with a hint of regret. The unconscious Hinata remained unconscious. Naruto remained largely oblivious. Oh well, this was just setup for what would hopefully be humorous. _Sadly, there's no time for the usual insanely-painful-yet-strangely-effective training methods usually used for it. As to the name, it's called Hokuto Shin Ken, substyle Ujo Ken. Do you mind if I laugh evilly here? _

"Actually, yeah, that's kinda creepy," said Naruto.

_Oh. Pity about that. I thought it was suitably dramatic._

"I don't get it," complained Naruto. "Why does she keep passing out?"

_Do you really want to understand?_

"What kind of question is that?" asked Naruto. "Of course!"

_Fine. This is just one of a potential set of futures. It answers the question though, because she finally says it herself._

"Huh? What?" asked Naruto.

FLASH!

* * *

He was in the ruins of the village and felt the searing agony as Pain thrust another chakra sword through his body. The pain and sense of violation were absolute as the enemy stood close and regarded him through those odd eyes.

"Don't you dare give up! Jiraiya and Pa gave their lives because they believed in you!" yelled some frog. "I'll never forgive you if you give up now!"

"Noisy frog!" declared Pain, blasting the protesting frog away.

"You bastard!" Naruto felt his mouth say as he tried to move and protest. If he could just get some leverage maybe.

"It's time for us to go," said Pain, holding out a hand and gathering power again.

He saw her then. Hinata. Older and dressed differently. Leaping to his defense, deflecting the attack that would have finished him off.

Pain slid to a stop to regard the girl who'd knocked him aside. "Reinforcements, eh?"

"I won't let you lay another finger on Naruto!" declared Hinata.

"What're you doing here?" asked Naruto as he tensed and loosened muscles around the blades and tried to work them loose. "Get out of here! You're no match-"

"I know," said Hinata, her voice shaking slightly before she got it back under control. "I'm just being selfish."

"What are you talking about? What are you doing here? It's dangerous!" Naruto felt one of the blades loosen, increasing the amount of wiggle he could use against the others.

"I'm here of my own free will," said Hinata. "I used to always cry and give up. I nearly went the wrong way. But you. You showed me the right way. I was always chasing you. Wanting to overtake you. I just wanted to walk with you. I wanted to be with you. You changed me! Your smile saved me! So I'm not afraid to die protecting you."

Naruto saw her glance back and knew suddenly. She knew with that Byakugan that he was getting loose. She was buying him time.

"Because I love you," said Hinata, charging forward. "HA! Gentle Step Twin Lion Fists!"

"Shinra Tensei!" attacked Pain before she could complete the attack.

Naruto watched as Pain stepped forth and thrust down with another chakra blade, twisting it cruelly into the fallen Hinata before he straightened and faced Naruto again.

* * *

"She..." said Naruto, staring at the girl on the bed.

_Is largely so shy because her father continually shreds what little self-pride she might have had at one time,_ answered the voice. _She lacks much of a killer instinct. She hesitates to hurt others. Which is not what her father desired of an heir so he adopted that tactic to toughen her up. It backfired._

"She... what?" asked Naruto, surprised when he realized he felt tears tracking down. "She... loves me?"

_He also holds Hinata responsible for the death of his brother, though he understands intellectually that it wasn't her fault. She was just being kidnapped by Kumogakure agents who wanted the Byakugan._

"She's been hurting all this time, and..." Naruto looked at the paleskinned girl then down at his own hands. "What do I need to do? Whatever it is, I'll do it."

_Very well then,_ said the voice. _This is going to hurt._

"It's going to hurt? Hasn't she been hurt enough?" asked Naruto.

_Not her. You. Your body is going to undergo some massive changes as you go through fifteen years of intensive training in five seconds. Without help from me, even your recuperative powers wouldn't keep you alive. Are you ready?_

"I was born ready!" said Naruto.

_Remember then. You asked for this._

launching Character Editor 3.1

Character One: Naruto Uzumaki . . . . . . . . . Character Two: Toki  
Copying basic martial arts  
Copying Hokuto Shinken lvl 1 (basic)  
Copying Hokuto Shinken lvl 2 (intermediate)  
Copying Hokuto Shinken lvl 3 (advanced)  
Copying general physique type - Hokutoverse advanced martial artist  
Activating Blend tool.  
Personality meshing complete.  
Knowledge of advanced medical-ninjutsu modified by Hokuto Shinken usage.  
Advanced pressure point/chakra seduction genjutsu set downloaded.  
Saving file.

Naruto's eyes widened, rolled up in his head, and he fainted.

Naturally he landed right across Hinata who woke up and wondered how Naruto-kun had gotten so much heavier. Which she noted as she tried to roll him OFF of her.

When she shifted him just enough that he began sliding, she felt a moment of joy.

When he stopped sliding off the bed and was facedown on her crotch she was sufficiently mortified that she fainted again.

_well, that was amusing for a moment or two_ commented someone in the guise of a Demon Fox.

* * *

Naruto woke up, stretched out, and then began to work.

He checked her vitals, used his knowledge of tsubo to stimulate blood flow and speed recovery, and then just looked down at the now-comfortably resting Hinata.

He'd been alone for so long. Chasing after Sakura, rivaling with Sasuke, playing the clown. All to fill that void. And here was someone who had, in the possible future he'd seen, confessed her love for him. That she'd apparently loved him a long time.

How did that make him feel?

He'd always thought of her as weird. Always staring at him, always fainting at odd times. He'd checked and determined that at least part of that was likely low blood pressure. Well, he could correct that with a little work.

Oh, and that her father apparently ripped her self-esteem to shreds on a regular basis. That was right.

Naruto brushed an errant strand of hair from the girl's face. He'd seen her in that future. He'd felt the chakra blades in his own flesh and knew what a violation that was. So the girl who'd confessed her love to him had been struck down, violated, and killed in front of him in that future.

TO HELL WITH THAT!

Naruto then simply walked to one section of bare wall and punched it. A tiny crack began spreading, eventually crumbling inward. He stepped through the hole.

"You can't go through here!" declared some ninja as they leapt forward.

"WA-TA-TA-TA-TA!" answered Naruto. "You are already asleep."

"Huh wha?" asked one of the ninja before falling over like his comrades.

Another wall fell before another rap of one fist.

He finally found the appropriate room.

Naruto began cracking his knuckles. "You are Hinata's father?"

"I am," said an older man who practically radiated disapproval.

"I have it on good authority that you discount my abilities," said Naruto, noting that the other shinobi in the room were getting out of the direct line between himself and the Hyuga clan head. Ninjas with a survival instinct, how... useful. "That you don't value your daughter."

"Hanabi? Of course, I value Hanabi," said the Hyuga. The faint smirk indicated he was probably being deliberately obtuse.

"Oh, this can't end well," said a shaggy-haired one-eye-showing ninja.

Kakashi could only keep his Sharingan going for short periods before exhaustion set in.

He was wondering if it was on the fritz right now.

The moment he'd switched it on, the room had faded out. He was now staring at the night sky, except it completely surrounded him. Over there was where Hiashi Hyuga stood. Over there...

Naruto stood, looming at least three sizes larger. Behind him glowed the stars of the big dipper.

Hiashi was limned by a thin white glow.

Naruto had a blue-white glow that sent little streamers and embers off.

Closing his Sharingan, Kakashi looked again. Just Naruto facing off against Hiashi Hyuga.

"I'll put down a small bet on Naruto," murmurred Jiraiya.

"I don't think I'll take that bet," responded Kakashi equally quietly.

* * *

"If I win, I will take Hinata as my pupil and teach her some of my fighting style," said Naruto. "With her Gentle Fist combined with my training, even you will have to admit her worth. I will also make sure she is allowed to train as a medic-nin."

"Ha!" said Hiashi Hyuga, who couldn't possibly admit in front of his small squad of followers much less the other leaders and the jonin that he'd been largely dismissive of Hinata's talents. "The Gentle Fist is a supreme style practiced by Byakugan users. Your weak style cannot improve upon it."

"Wanna bet?" asked Naruto, cracking his knuckles.

"Certainly," said Hiashi, seeing Hinata poking her head around the corner behind Naruto. "If you can beat ME, not only can you take Hinata as a pupil. I'll have her delivered giftwrapped."

"'Giftwrapped'?" asked Naruto, not having expected that.

"Pink ribbon and a bow," said Hiashi contemptously.

Hinata suddenly pictured herself tied up in pink ribbon at the center of a large gift basket and presented to Naruto. She had the expected reaction. _SPURT! THUD!_

Well, maybe hardly anyone expected her to have a nosebleed before she fainted.

"You all have witnessed this?" asked Naruto, with considerable more calm and control than anyone who knew him really expected.

"I have no doubt about the outcome of this," said Hiashi. "If I win, you will simply be driven like the cur you are from our village."

Naruto's eyes narrowed just a bit, but he nodded an acceptance to the terms.

"Begin!" declared Hiashi, dropping into a stance. "Byakugan... what the hell?"

Kakashi had no doubt that Hiashi was now seeing the same starscape he'd seen with the Sharingan. And had dropped his guard ever so slightly because of it. Which took the slight chance Kakashi had been willing to give the Hyuga clan head and tossed it to the wind.

Naruto simply drew his arms in, took a deep breath, and released it all at once. "HA!"

_THWAM!_

Jiraiya blinked and waited for Hiashi to unpeel himself from the wall. Looking closer revealed that the only thing showing of the Hyuga clan head's eyes were the whites. "A shove using a wall of chakra? Hmmm."

"HOW DARE YOU STRIKE LORD HYUGA!" said one of the Hyuga accountants, charging up to Naruto and yelling at him from point blank range.

"If I wanted to hear from an asshole, I would have farted," said Naruto, looking down at the retainer.

"NA-NANI?!" said the accountant, clearly outraged beyond all sensibility.

Kakashi noted Jiraiya was writing that line down and would probably incorporate it in one of his books.

"GET HIM!" yelled the accountant.

_Toink!_ went one of Naruto's fingers, apparently penetrating the accountant's skull to the second knuckle.

_Gurgle_ went the accountant's midsection.

"The Watery Bowels Of Hell Point Strike," said Naruto. "It is the fitting end for you."

"AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed the accountant as he ran off in search of a bathroom.

"He's not going to die, is he?" asked the Hokage as he checked Hiashi and found that the Hyuga clan head was out cold. Out any colder and he'd be in a coma.

"No," said Naruto with that cold seriousness for a moment before flashing his usual cocky grin. "He'll just be wishing that for a few more hours."

"We must avenge Lord Hyuga!" said one of the other retainers.

"Why?" asked another retainer, scratching his head. It HAD been a formal challenge after all. "Where have I seen pink ribbon on sale?"

"But he..." said the first retainer, then realized that Naruto was seeming to loom larger in the room. "I think I know where I can find a tailor supply shop. We need to get on that as soon as we get Lord Hyuga home and comfortable."

* * *

Naruto sighed as he hefted a bag of cup ramen. Yeah, it wasn't nearly as good as the ones that Ichiraku made. There was something to be said for cheap enough to be able to buy lots.

He noticed the little boy in the street. He noticed the twelve ninja waiting to pounce. What he wasn't too sure of - were they after him or the kid? Or was it that bushy-browed kid coming down the road?

"GET HIM! FOR THE PRIDE OF THE HYUGA CLAN!"

Nice of them to clarify that point for him.

Hmmm. Twelve ninja all leaping into the air. Four throwing kunai. One had a staff. One was using nunchaku. Another had a pair of sai. The rest were holding onto their kunai.

"AH TAH!" Punch in the face with one hand, take the staff away with the other.

Naruto spun his captured staff, deflecting the thrown kunai away from him and the kid - managing to send most of them at the sai wielder and two of the kunai wielders.

At which point he could see some of them still in midleap but beginning to realize something had gone very wrong.

"TOH!" Spin the staff around, point snapping into the breastbone of one retainer.  
"AH-TAH!" Spin again, bashing the end into another retainer's face.  
"CHA!" Back around, plant one end, and let the lead retainer take the other end in the solar plexus. Drop staff.  
"WAH !"

Wait for falling bodies to hit the ground.

"Whoaaaaaaaaa," said the little boy.

"I thank you," said Naruto, "you volunteer to test out my new technique."

_ka-krak ka-krak_

The bushy browed boy finished running up. "What are you doing?"

"Something I thought of on the way here," said Naruto, walking from one to another of the fallen ninja and striking each once. "Hokuto Shinken is about manipulating someone else's chakra. Their internal energies and such. Well-"

_BA-BAMF!_ went a massive transformation jutsu.

"Still needs work," said Naruto. "I wanted to see if I could force them to do my 'Sexy Jutsu' but all they are is fat chicks."

"Interesting," said the boy, eyeing someone who might well be a new rival.

"You're wearing heavy weights around your arms and legs," noted Naruto.

The boy's eyes widened. "You can tell?"

"Yeah," said Naruto. "Can you tell me where to get them? I could use a supply myself."

* * *

Naruto closed the door behind him and came to a complete stop on seeing his bed.

That there was a girl on it was unusual and unexpected. That she was mummified below the nose in pink ribbon, with little bows, moved it to completely bizarre. On seeing the two lavender eyes blinking at him from under the mop of blue-black hair merely pushed it over the top.

"I guess the weird runs in the family," mumbled Naruto as he took his jacket off.

"MFFF?!" asked Hinata, who was really wishing that Naruto would get to unwrapping her soon. Especially as the bridge of her nose was itchy and she couldn't reach it. Though the greater musculature on Naruto looked awfully good.

"Hmmm?" asked Naruto, then flexed. "Oh. Yeah. I been working out. Like it?"

"Mmmmm," answered Hinata, her pale skin turning scarlet.

"Well, now. I had planned on teaching you some of the style after school tomorrow," said Naruto, kicking his shoes to the appropriate area as he moved to put his jacket up. "Though tomorrow is the day we get our pictures taken and then the next day we're sorted into teams."

"Mmmhmmm," said Hinata, now wondering when Naruto was going to untie her.

"Hmmmm," said Naruto, considering things.

* * *

_morning:_  
Sakura Haruno was scowling the moment she ran into her Best Friend And Number One Rival, who met her scowl in equal measure.

"Ino," said Sakura.

"Sakura," said Ino.

"Hmph," said Sakura and Ino together.

"As Member #37 of the Legion of Sasuke Fangirls," proclaimed Sakura, "I will not lose!"

"As Member #36 of the Legion of Sasuke Fangirls," proclaimed Ino at the same time, "I will not lose!"

"Hmph," said Sakura and Ino together, looking in opposite directions.

"Ha," said Ino and Sakura together, glaring at each other.

"STOP DOING THAT!" shouted Ino and Sakura at each other simultaneously.

"Today is the day that the heavens shall bless my joining with Sasuke as part of a three man team!" said Ino. "Behold my new jutsu!" _Ka thwak!_

"Rose kunai?" asked Sakura as Ino managed to put a longstemmed red rose into a wall.

"Indeed," said Ino with a certain degree of pride and a smaller degree of uncertainty. "Heaven must have rewarded me for my diligence. It's a PERFECT technique for me."

"Yeah, for anyone who works in a flower shop, that's a pretty good technique," admitted Sakura. She hated to admit it, REALLY hated to admit that to Ino, but it WAS a pretty good technique to add amongst those of the Yamanaka clan.

"I haven't perfected it yet, there's some advanced techniques that I might be able to snag someone's shadow with a rose and pin them to the spot," admitted Ino. "Haven't managed that yet."

"Oh yeah," said Sakura. "Well, I've got an advanced jutsu too!"

"Really?" asked Ino. Well, that made sense didn't it? If SHE had a new technique, her rival had to have one too. Though she'd hoped to preen a little more about it.

"Yeah, and... oh my gosh the TIME!" _zing!_

"Huh?" asked Ino before noticing the time herself. "AGH!" _zoom!_

* * *

Iruka sighed as everyone else filed in. There would be questions but for now there was the team assignments.

There was some muttering from a small group around Kiba who had a flyer in his hands.

Since he'd seen a similar flyer, and knew it had to do with the engagement of Naruto Uzumaki to Hinata Hyuga - he had a feeling he'd have to quiet down the class a few times when either of those two came in.

Then the team assignments, which had been the cause of several arguments late last night. The two old 'advisors' and Danzo all argued one way. The Hokage and most everyone else had argued the other. For now though, the Hokage had his way - and Naruto would NOT lead a life in a cage the way those three on the councilhad been arguing for years now.

* * *

Sasuke Uchiha frowned as he listened to the nattering of people about inconsequential trivia. Which was the usual case with things that these others did.

After the past few years, with that damn Uncle Genma showing up, he'd had to learn to monitor that idiocy. Keep at least one ear open in case a new problem was to be foisted off on himself.

He didn't know, but he certainly suspected, that the new Firebird Fist technique had been snuck onto him by Naruto. Not that he considered Naruto a rival or a friend or a brother or anything like that. An annoyance, yes. An idiot, mostly. Having some talent for causing trouble, definitely. Someone who pulled off stupid-yet-bizarrely-impressive pranks, oh yes.

Take last year with that 'clown car jutsu' for example. Those horse-drawn carriages were expensive and nobody had quite been sure what he'd been talking about with calling it a 'car' or some jutsu that had occurred to him overnight. A trip to a beach, sand and sun and surf, on a day away from school? Preposterous. They'd never be able to afford something like that as students.

He'd managed it though. Sasuke had even figured out HOW fairly quickly. Just a larger application of the technique they all used to overstuff pouches with their ninja equipment. With their money pooled like that, they'd all gone to the beach and had a day of ninja training in bathing suits.

He himself had found a rock out in the surf to go brood on, mainly to get away from all the girls who'd been trying to get him to look at their swimsuits.

Or that bit with the lantern, Sasuke had experienced his first moment of doubt that Naruto was an idiot over that one. You used a genjutsu technique to give a sandal the appearance of a lantern. You turned it on in a darkened room so you could see things. But... no. He wasn't going there again. It gave some of the experienced ninja headaches as they started following THAT problem.

So he had the Firebird Fist jutsu. Breathing flame out, binding it to a form that was stable for a short time, then sending it off with a leash of chakra so that you could direct it around corners and the like. DAMN useful. Actually kind of beautiful if you let yourself see it that way. A small bird of flame.

Now, somehow, Naruto (the loudest student) had gotten engaged to Hinata (the most quiet student) on sorting day.

A slight increase in noise was the cue for Sasuke to turn his head slightly. Naruto and Hinata were entering together. Hinata trying to hide (nothing unusual there) but Naruto was more subdued than was usual as well.

And taller and broader shouldered? Must be a henge.

Returning his pose to studied indifference, Sasuke continued to listen.

"So how?!" asked one of the girls.

"Her father has a stick up his butt," complained Naruto. "He made a bet. He lost. He wanted me to prove my taijutsu skills. I did."

"So it's just some kind of honor thing then? Well, that makes sense," said another girl. "You can get out of it, right Hinata?"

"She can get out of it anytime she wants to," said Naruto. "She can stay in it as long as she likes."

"Th-that's right," mumbled Hinata.

Sasuke heard a couple of exclamations and snuck a peek out of the corner of his eye. Hinata had leaned into Naruto, and as he watched Naruto put an arm around her shoulders in an obviously protective gesture.

He turned back to the front of the classroom, working over what he'd seen and heard. Hiashi Hyuga was known as a formidable user of the Gentle Fist style. Naruto had probably flashed him with that Sexy Jutsu to throw the older guy off balance then took the opening. So technically a win, but it wouldn't hold up.

On the other hand, just that move initiated by Hinata indicated that there was something going on there.

Honestly, Sasuke wished Naruto all the luck there. At least that would be one less girl for him to worry about.

* * *

Iruka had started with the various groups, going through some of the minor students first. Ones that didn't show any special talents one way or the other, who probably would never make it past gennin level. He wasn't much of a showman though, and he didn't see any real reason to build suspense.

"Team 7 under Kakashi Hatake. Sasuke Uchiha, Sakura Haruno-"

"YESSSSSSSSSSS!" yelled Sakura as she jumped up and pumped one fist.

Sasuke simply facepalmed and groaned.

Iruka frowned and looked directly at Sakura until she sat back down. "ahem. Ino Yamanaka."

"YEAHHHHHHHHH!" yelled Ino as she jumped up from her own chair.

"why me?" muttered Sasuke, beating his head lightly against his desk. "why? what did i ever do to deserve this?"

"Team 8," hurried on Iruka. "Your jonin will be Yuhi Kurenai. Hinata Hyuga, Naruto Uzumaki, and Kiba Inuzuka."

* * *

"Today is the day I'm going to steal Sasuke-kun's first kiss," had been Sakura's declaration when awakening.

On finding herself on the same ninja team as her beloved Sasuke, Sakura's heart had gone soaring.

On finding that Ino was also on the same team, Sakura's glee turned to jealousy. Sasuke was HERS damnit!

"this can't be right," muttered Iruka-sensei. "this is just asking for trouble."

She had arrived late with Ino, and she'd noted that the Obstacle (named Naruto) was no longer blocking the end of the aisle she'd use to approach Sasuke. That was as far as her concern in that regard went.

"Hey, Sakura, how's it going?" came that annoying voice.

"What is it now?" growled Sakura. This annoying boy always coming around... hey, how come he was taller? Oh who cared?

"i'm supposed to be a brooding loner consumed by his need for vengeance," mumbled Sasuke. "why do i keep getting problems like this?"

"uhm," said the annoyance, "anyway, Sakura. I just wanted to wish you luck."

"Fine, now go away," said Sakura, bouncing an empty can of coffee off Naruto's face, "I have to plan how to claim Sasuke's lips." Maybe THIS time he'd get the hint and leave her alone.

"YOU?! Fat chance," said Ino, butting in immediately. "Sasuke, and his lips, are MINE."

"I just want to go off and kill my brother, is that too much to ask?" muttered Sasuke. "why me?"

"Naruto?" asked Hinata, standing next to their new teammate Kiba.

"Uhm, yeah, later," said Naruto, taking a single glance back at Sakura as he turned to leave with Hinata.

"Naruto!" declared Sasuke, standing abruptly up. "I'm coming with you!"

"WHA?!" went most of the class.

"Yeah, I..." began Sasuke, leaping forward and finding the coffee can Sakura had just discarded underfoot. Causing his leap to go off a bit differently than planned. "Agh!"

Naruto looked down at where Sasuke was apparently kissing Hinata on the floor. "Uhm? Sasuke? That's my fiancee."

"AAAAAAAAAAAA!" yelled several different girls.

* * *

"Erk," said Hinata as she fainted.

"Uhm, I hadn't intended that," admitted Sasuke.

"I know," said Naruto with a frown. "When she wakes up, you'll owe her an apology."

"NO NO NO!" said one of the other girls in the Sasuke fanclub. "SHE should apologize to HIM. She stole his first kiss!"

"That's right, that's right," said one of the other girls, folding her arms in front of her and nodding. "That's only common sense."

"Annoying," muttered Sasuke.

"Yeah," said Naruto with a glance back at Sakura. Then he simply gathered his fiancee up in his arms. "Later, Sasuke. C'mon Kiba. We can wait for our team leader outside."

* * *

Kurenai Yuhi knew what to expect. She was familiar with the history of Hinata Hyuga.

She hadn't been sure what to make of the engagement, particularly after seeing the Hyuuga head looking as if he'd gotten smashed into a wall or something.

Actually, she hadn't been there at that time, and had some problems accepting that NARUTO had apparently done it - but that WAS apparently what had happened.

She was a genjutsu specialist, and that was an area her current group was lacking in. Hinata's Byakugan specialized in finding things and getting information. Kiba was a combination of information and close combat. Naruto - close combat with the just-demonstrated taijutsu skills and his Shadow Clone talent.

Which meant that they were lacking a long to midrange combat talent, but would excel when finding things or tracking things were the mission objectives.

She was still turning the ideas on approaches and training over in her head as she approached her team.

"...faints a lot..." was Naruto's voice, the fragment carried over the distance by the wind.

"...don't know..." was Kiba's voice. "...low blood sugar or something?"

"Maybe," said Naruto, though his voice indicated doubt. "How do you know about that sort of thing anyway?"

"Hey, my sister's a veterinarian," answered Kiba. "I've had to help out in her clinic a few times. You?"

"Part of my studies of tsubo," said Naruto. "I'm studying any medic-nin texts I can get my hands on. Having a backup medic could be pretty useful."

Kurenai stopped a few feet away, appraising Naruto now in a new light.

If she didn't know better, she'd have thought him a serious student. A serious student who had Hinata's head in her lap and had apparently missed that she'd woken up at some point and...

Considering the home life she'd seen for Hinata, Yuhi really doubted that the girl smiled and looked that content all that often.

"Okay, you three," said Kurenai. She had to get things started, but she found herself reluctant to interrupt. For one thing, it was revealing aspects of the two males that had NOT been apparent from the dossiers both had accumulated. "We're going to have a training exercise."

"What? We've had tons of those at the Academy," protested Kiba.

"Hang on," said Naruto. "I get what Kurenai-sensei's after. She wants to see 'em first hand, right?"

"That's part of the answer," said Kurenai, wondering when Naruto had gotten a brain transplant. Certainly if you looked at his academic record, one got the impression that he had some significant gaps in intellectual prowess. "Hinata?"

Reluctant, VERY reluctant apparently, Hinata moved from her current position to sit up. "Because you haven't seen how we can operate as a team?"

"Easy there," said Naruto, putting one arm across her shoulders because she looked a little unsteady.

Hinata flashed crimson, ducked her head, and looked inanely happy about nothing in particular.

"So, you're going to train her in some martial arts style you've worked out?" asked Kurenai of Naruto.

"Yeah," said Naruto. "It's not a style for general dissemination though."

"Then you might not want to use it in front of Sasuke Uchiha or Kakashi," said Kurenai Yuhi. "Their Sharingan technique allows them to copy martial arts styles. Now, follow me. We'll have the test and then I can plan out how to further your training from there if you pass."

"We have to 'pass'?" grumbled Kiba.

"Yip," yapped Akamaru.

"I s'pose," said Kiba.

"What did he say?" asked Naruto, curious.

"Oh, just that 'life itself is a test and the life of a ninja even more so,'" said Kiba. "Sometimes he gets awfully philosophical."

Kurenai glanced at the dog, then shook her head. Okay, there were apparently LOTS of things not in the official records.

* * *

"Who decided this setup?" asked Sasuke Uchiha. The 'truce' between Ino and Sakura had lasted until the two had introduced themselves to the Jonin named Kakashi.

Kakashi nodded as he stood next to the Uchiha heir as the two of them watched the spectacle of two... now three... err four girls now in the process of a fight in which taijutsu was NOT displayed.

Five girls? Six?! Seven?! Okay, what was that girl from the takiyoki stand doing in there?

"Truly, the name Legion of Sasuke Fangirls is appropriate," said an old man from the sidelines.

Hairpulling - check.  
Cheekstretching - check  
Slapping - check.  
Kicking/punching/etcetera - BIG check.

Martial arts manuevers were NOT being displayed.

"Would you all just STOP this?" asked Sasuke. "This is SO annoying. And embarassing."

The group ignored him, even if he WAS the cause of all this. Clothes were being ripped. The gathering audience, which was still occasionally broken by yet another fangirl showing up, declaring that Sasuke's lips were hers to claim (or some similar sentiment) and charging into the fray.

"Hmmm, very bad," said Jiraiya, showing up for some unknown reason.

"Aren't they a bit young for you to show up?" asked Kakashi.

"True," admitted Jiraiya. "As this is research for a book, I may just be able to work it into a scene."

"Oh?" said Kakashi, thinking it sounded more intriguing that way.

"Can I be transferred to another team?" asked Sasuke. "They'll just hold me back."

"I suppose we ought to put an end to this," said Kakashi, clearing his voice. "Excuse me? You. All. Fail! That is all."

The fighting suddenly stopped. Sasuke couldn't help but notice that Sakura had Megumi in a headlock, who was throttling Satsuki, who was pulling the cheeks of Ino, who had her foot buried in Sakura's backside. Beyond that, it was entirely too tangled to tell what body part belonged to whom.

"What?!" asked the crowd.

"I'm only supposed to oversee the test for Team 7, but I'm recommending that everyone here NOT have to go back to the Academy. No, I think it would be better if you were banned from being a ninja altogether." Kakashi shrugged and then simply walked away.

"WHAT?!" yelled the tangle of bodies.

"Hey," said Sasuke.

"I'll ask," said Jiraiya. "Maybe we can find you another team. You didn't directly participate."

"Absolutely not," agreed Sasuke.

"On the other hand you WERE the cause," said Jiraiya, continuing on. "It'll be a first. I don't think I've ever seen this situation come up."

* * *

"So we get a mission for our test?" said Kiba as he walked along with Akamaru sitting atop his head. "Cool."

"We'll see how well you do before I assign any title of 'cool'," said Yuhi.

"So, can we get any details?" asked Naruto. He eyed Hinata casually as they walked. Yuhi had casually mentioned that Hinata had a problem with self-confidence. So he could check when they came to a rest, there being a pressure point to counteract such things.

"Why?" asked Yuhi.

"You're not going to tell us?" asked Hinata. "We have to go in blind?"

"No, the test has already started," answered Yuhi.

"Oh," said Hinata with a nod. "I see."

"Hmph," said Naruto, looking confused. "Well, we got to work out battleplans and such. Figure out what everyone's gonna do and how to do it."

"I see," said Yuhi. So they WERE planning on reacting as a team. "The mission is some bandits in the hills to the West. Big guys with really bad haircuts is all the description I have to go on."

* * *

"Okay, in summary," said the Hokage to the assembled jonin. "We all turned a blind eye to the Legion Of Sasuke Fangirls at first. Just young girls acting like young girls. With time though, they've gotten worse."

"Much much worse," agreed Azuma, who despite all his experience as a ninja - was looking on with horror at the picture-book that was one of several on the table.

"What do we know about this 'Akatsuki Press'?" asked Yuhi. Not that 'dawn' or 'daybreak' was a particularly unusual name of itself.

"Minor printing operation in Amegakure and Kirigakure," said Jiraiya. "They've gotten quite a lot of money since going into these picture-books, but the indications are that the profits are not being reinvested in the company but instead going to a parent company. That parent company is hidden for now, it may actually be the council of Amegakure or some other group."

"I am a little concerned about the use of photographs of our ninja," said the Hokage, "but this is a subject to be explored later. Right now, we're dealing with the Legion."

"Right," said Hayate Gekko, who frowned at the ANBU reading a book next to him. "They've gotten worse as time has gone on. Little incidents to start, like their original cooperation to sneak photos of Sasuke Uchiha. From a little acorn, to a particularly twisted tree. They have since made annoyances of themselves on several occasions. It was the Legion that replaced the statues of Konohagakure's founders with ones of Sasuke Uchiha a few months ago."

The Third Hokage nodded, remembering that.

"Terrible," said Anko Mitarashi.

"True," said Yugao Uzuki.

"So you're going to stop reading those?" said Hayate, apparently addressing Yugao.

"I just read them for the articles," said Yugao.

"Ahem," said the Third Hokage. "Are we in agreement then? To shut down the Legion?"

"They're all ninja," said Kakashi. "I expect they'll just continue on in secret. But fine, I'll go along with it."

"That settled," said the Third Hokage. "By your report, it certainly isn't fair to Uchiha that his team members have sent him back to the Academy with themselves."

"He's expressed a desire to pursue personal training in the Land Of Hot Springs," said Kakashi. "I tend to agree. Some time away from the village might do him and the Legion some good."

"Hmmm," hmmmed the Third. "I've heard many things, some conflicting, about that area. Perhaps a few ninja could accompany Uchiha on a fact-gathering mission while he trains. There's a trade delegation moving through the Land Of Fire that Kurenai's team is to guard. Accompanying them on the return journey might be a suitable mission and test."

* * *

"Now we just need to gather firewood," said Kurenai, "this campsite is one used by patrols in the area regularly."

Naruto went to a dead tree, examined it carefully, extended one finger, then struck.

_BLAM!_

"I'd prefer things a bit quieter," stated Kurenai as soon as she got her heartrate back under control.

Naruto frowned but nodded, acknowledging the request.

"Not too shabby," said Kiba, acknowledging that Naruto was not being dead weight after all. If he contributed to the pack, all well and good. "Hunting some food up is more my specialty. Besides, I train in mountains all the time."

"It's away from your mother's usual area," noted Kurenai.

"Damn straight," said Kiba, not picking a fight on that issue.

"Hinata, later on, with your permission, I want to use a pressure point technique on you that might help you in case we're attacked," said Naruto as Hinata helped him place wood together for the fire.

"Oh?" asked Hinata.

* * *

Kiba stopped and stared.

"someone, help me..." said Naruto.

"Uh uh, no way, not gonna happen," summed up Kiba.

"Yap," said Akamaru.

"Akamaru's right," said Kiba. "Some problems you've just got to get out of on your own."

"How exactly did this happen?" asked Kurenai-sensei.

"I just did a pressure point manipulation that increases self-confidence," said Naruto, having a Hinata wrapped around him who was rubbing her cheek against his chest.

"Uh huh," said Kurenai, who sounded EXTREMELY amused by all this. "So it's a confidence or fear-removal technique?"

"Yeah," said Naruto. "So can I get some help?"

"No," said Kurenai.

"Ain't gonna touch that at all," said Kiba, moving to the campfire with the deer he'd brought down.

"I would have thought rabbit would have been a better choice," said Kurenai, deciding to ignore Naruto for the time being.

"Yeah, that was what I'd have thought too," said Kiba. "This guy decided to attack instead of flee."

"Sometimes they do that," said Kurenai.

"Hinata, you're crushing my ribs," said Naruto as he tried to wriggle around and get some leverage.

"Mmmmmm," said Hinata from her position.

"You did a pressure point to technique to bolster her courage, and as a result she's hugging onto you with a death-grip?" asked Kurenai. "Maybe that means something."

Naruto seemed to remember something, whatever it was seemed unpleasant from his expression.

"Hmph, so the mighty taijutsu expert finds himself in an unbreakable hold?" asked Kiba, smirking LOTS.

"Heh heh," snickered Akamaru.

"Did your dog just snicker?" asked Kurenai.

"Uh, yeah?" said Kiba, not getting the question.

"Isn't anyone gonna help me out here?" asked Naruto.

Kiba looked at Kurenai who looked back. Then both turned to him and pronounced their judgement. "Nope!"

"I've gotten water," said Kurenai. "Need help preparing the deer?"

"Me and Akamaru are all over it," said Kiba.

"Uhm," said Kurenai.

"I mean we've got it covered," said Kiba, rolling his eyes.

* * *

He'd made a few changes here and there prior to settling this fragment into place.

The Land Of Hot Springs for example. That hadn't been there prior to his work. It was one of those outside the Five Great Nations, boasted the holy mountain (and hot springs) of Jusenkyo with exotic martial arts training grounds and other features that he'd spotted from a half-dozen other sources.

He'd also noticed that despite dealing with a bunch of young boys and girls, that there was NO obligatory hot springs episode OR a beach resort. Having addressed the hot springs, he'd also added a resort beach that was a couple of days away from the Hidden Leaf Village. The town of Mai Ami Beach with its pure white sands, warm surf, exotic but mostly harmless sea life, with the occasional predatious sea monster to better intice missions - proved to have an effect that Toltiir had not planned when he'd rearranged that section of coast.

Which was the 'Land Of Fire' was getting a good deal more wealth than it originally had. Or that other countries looked somewhat avariciously at the beachfront property. Or pirates that would prey on the wealthy in the area.

Some of which had a little bit of a fan following. The Dola Pirate Gang, for example, had a history of only attacking the wealthiest targets - and that included smugglers.

It DID have the effect as well in that on occasion ninja were dispatched to the area to:

A) deal with sea monsters, zombies, or other menaces.  
B) smack down pirates  
C) laze around in bathing suits sunning themselves while waiting for A or B to show up.  
D) defend the area from various rogue ninja who decided to burgle a little something using their mad ninja skillz.

Oh and there was the seasonal crab and lobster festival. The Miss Beach contest. Little things like that. As Toltiir would point out, some things NEEDED to be done.

The ninja academy didn't have a culture festival either, or cooking battles, or giant robot fights, and their technology was all over the place. Well, part of it could be explained by no manufacturing facilities being put in any of the Five Ninja Nations due to insurance considerations That and the whole thing was roughly analagous to the Warring States of China.

Then there were the tiny adjustments. Things that were merely whispering in an ear at an appropriate time, up to manifesting as a rough analog of Genma Saotome in order to say or do something that would have repercussions down the road.

No one, least of all Toltiir, would expect all the little seeds to sprout and grow.

So he was a little surprised (pleasantly) at how well 'Sasuke Uchiha - Bed, Bath, and Beyond' was selling. A pictorial book of candid shots of the rookie genin growing up had been expected to do well within a tiny market. The press had sold out of it three times! A fourth run had seen thousands of copies internationally in select markets.

Once he'd seen pirates around though, he'd had to do it. He HAD to put them in. It was just one of those things.

* * *

Sasuke ran around the street corner, bouncing off a mailbox in order that he not lose any speed.

There was a brief moment of silence, broken only by Statler spitting once into the street and commenting that it used to be a QUIET ninja village.

The rising rumble erupted once the first of the girls reached the same intersection and began making less graceful versions of the same ninety-degree turn.

Statler and Waldorf merely watched as the crowd of girls passed their position.

"Yup, I agree. Used to be a quiet hidden ninja village," agreed Waldorf when the noise had abated enough to be heard.

"Any idea what it is this time?" asked Statler.

"Hang on," said Waldorf, cutting his thumb and doing a quick summons.

_BAMF_

"Wakka-wakka," said the bear summons. "You want a joke?"

"No, just the latest gossip," said Waldorf. "What got the Uchiha kid chased by his mob this time?"

"Oh, that," said the bear, adjusting his bow tie. "It's like this, the Sakura+Ino pairing with him failed. So the rumor is that the Hokage is considering letting Sasuke choose his own teammates from the available candidates."

"And so the Rabid Fangirl Association decided that this was their big chance and all of them are applying for the openings?" asked Waldorf.

"You got it," said the bear before adding a complaint. "Nobody summons me for jokes anymore."

"That's because we've heard your jokes," retorted Waldorf with a chuckle.

"Eh?" asked the bear. "Isn't that Sasuke Uchiha? Being kidnapped by pirates?"

Statler and Waldorf looked at each other, then at the bear, before nodding.

"Okay, THAT one I haven't heard," said Waldorf. "What's the punchline?"

The bear pointed.

Statler and Waldorf both looked, half expecting the bear to retort with a "made you look" line.

Except that WAS Sasuke Uchiha. Those WERE pirates. Of course it was hard to tell if the pirates were kidnapping Sasuke or if Sasuke were merely escaping his fangirls.

* * *

There were places that made their money in ways that did not involve ninja and their wars. In fact, it was because those areas had no major ninja villages made it possible to have and develop those technologies.

Certain areas of development were actively discouraged by ninja, mainly because they felt they had a lock on those professions dealing with the waging of wars and ridiculously destructive martial arts techniques.

One effect of that was that the Five Great Shinobi Nations made their money largely off their shinobi. The Land Of Wind might have mining, and the Land Of Wood had lumber, but their elite moneymakers were the ninja.

In the nations not counted among the Five Great Shinobi Nations, they had other means of making ends meet. The Land Of Steel, for example, was the major supplier of motors and engines - specializing in those used in watercraft such as the Land Of Waves used.

Then there were other lands that weren't quite so prosperous. Sometimes having to make do with odd occupations.

Such as the Land Of Four Ribbons, which was well known as a place where laws entirely depended on how much money you had. Anything could be bought there, if one had the price. As long as it wasn't something that would cause the Five Shinobi Nations to put aside their differences and invade.

Four Ribbons, four specialties of crime. Blue Ribbon, gambling - their casinos and gambling ships were the most gaudy and visible of the four. Red Ribbon, any technologies or developments in the art of killing - if you wanted details on a forbidden jutsu or technique you came to them. Purple Ribbon - slavetraders, prostitution, and similar work. The Purple Ribbon was known to hire 'missing nin' who wanted to stay missing. Black Ribbon - theft specialists. If it could be procured, it would move through their auction houses and private dealers.

Red Ribbon was the most cautious as far as the Five Shinobi Nations was concerned, as their business was entirely concerned with events outside the Five Nations and those in those nations considered them to essentially be 'Thugs R Us' - when one needed warm bodies that enjoyed violence to throw at a problem. They weren't worth anyone's time on their own as far as the Shinobi Nations were concerned. If they got too bold, Red Ribbon knew that some high-level ninja might come visit and kill a large number of their personnel as an object lesson. No, better not to try and expand their market share.

Black Ribbon, on the other hand, had problems of their own.

"Uhm, you're Sasuke Uchiha, ain't ya?" said some ninja-cat.

"Yeah, can we get more altitude?" asked Sasuke.

"Right on it," said some effeminite male, pulling a cord that jetted something into the balloon.

"Good," said Sasuke as a grapnel flew underneath the basket.

"This is the first time we've had someone cooperate like this," said a redhaired woman.

Sasuke leaned back against the side of the basket to regard the two in pirate outfits. Including little skull and crossbones motif. "Let me guess. Land Of Four Ribbons - Black Ribbon?"

"You've heard of Team Ribbon?" said the effeminite man, preening as he produced a rose and sniffed at it.

"Nope," said Sasuke. "You're pirates."

"Right, and now we've caught you!" said the cat, waving a cutlass around.

Sasuke kicked out lightly, knocking the cutlass out of the cat's hands and catching it himself.

"Gulp," said the effeminite man, the redheaded woman, and even the cat.

"Seems to me," said Sasuke. "We each have something the other wants. I'm just trying to figure out what you want."

"We want part of the money that your photobooks and videos take in," said the effete guy. "With you starring in one of OUR videos, we'll make tons of cash!"

"Photobooks?" asked Sasuke. "Videos?"

"Uh huh," said all three at the same time, nervously watching the cutlass.

"WHAT photobooks and videos?" asked Sasuke, not unreasonably.

"I just happen to have one here," said the woman, holding up a book.

Sasuke's gaze was flat as he read the title 'Sasuke Uchiha - Bed, Bath, And Beyond' and handed the cutlass back to the cat. It wasn't like he couldn't take it away again. "Let's see that. We may be able to make a deal if it gets me away from here for a little awhile."

"Oh," said the effete guy. "Uhm. I'm James. This is Jessie, and that's our Summons - Meowth."

"That's right!" agreed the cat-thing.

Thumbing through the magazine, Sasuke went from apparently bored to angry to a cold emotion which caused all three of his 'kidnappers' to crowd away as far as the small basket would allow them to go.

"I think," said Sasuke finally, "that I have a deal for you three. We're going to the publisher of this magazine and we steal everything they've made in profits off of this. Do we have a deal?"

* * *

"They grow up so fast," said Uncle Genma as he watched the balloon slowly sail off into the sunset.

Yes, reflected Uncle Genma, it was a beautiful scene. The cat's head shaped balloon rising up into the red-gold sky. The crowd of young women calling out for their departing Sasuke, some trying to hurl sharp pointy things at the balloon in full ignorance of what would happen if they actually managed to hit it.

The girl dangling from a rope beneath the balloon who was having to swing and twist in order to avoid the sharp pointy things that would occasionally come way too close.

Ah look, Ino managed to grab ahold of Sakura. Now there were TWO girls dangling beneath the balloon as it found a convenient updraft and took a ride like an elevator to dizzying new heights.

Uncle Genma made a handsign and vanished after the balloon was a speck still lit by the sun as the village itself passed into shadow. How amusing that the balloon would be wafted along by a storm front and eventually set down somewhere far far away.

* * *

There were places that made their money in ways that did not involve ninja and their wars. In fact, it was because those areas had no major ninja villages made it possible to have and develop those technologies.

Certain areas of development were actively discouraged by ninja, mainly because they felt they had a lock on those professions dealing with the waging of wars and ridiculously destructive martial arts techniques.

One effect of that was that the Five Great Shinobi Nations made their money largely off their shinobi. The Land Of Wind might have mining, and the Land Of Wood had lumber, but their elite moneymakers were the ninja.

In the nations not counted among the Five Great Shinobi Nations, they had other means of making ends meet. The Land Of Steel, for example, was the major supplier of motors and engines - specializing in those used in watercraft such as the Land Of Waves used.

Then there were other lands that weren't quite so prosperous. Sometimes having to make do with odd occupations.

Such as the Land Of Four Ribbons, which was well known as a place where laws entirely depended on how much money you had. Anything could be bought there, if one had the price. As long as it wasn't something that would cause the Five Shinobi Nations to put aside their differences and invade.

Four Ribbons, four specialties of crime. Blue Ribbon, gambling - their casinos and gambling ships were the most gaudy and visible of the four. Red Ribbon, any technologies or developments in the art of killing - if you wanted details on a forbidden jutsu or technique you came to them. Purple Ribbon - slavetraders, prostitution, and similar work. The Purple Ribbon was known to hire 'missing nin' who wanted to stay missing. Black Ribbon - theft specialists. If it could be procured, it would move through their auction houses and private dealers.

Red Ribbon was the most cautious as far as the Five Shinobi Nations was concerned, as their business was entirely concerned with events outside the Five Nations and those in those nations considered them to essentially be 'Thugs R Us' - when one needed warm bodies that enjoyed violence to throw at a problem. They weren't worth anyone's time on their own as far as the Shinobi Nations were concerned. If they got too bold, Red Ribbon knew that some high-level ninja might come visit and kill a large number of their personnel as an object lesson. No, better not to try and expand their market share.

Black Ribbon, on the other hand, had problems of their own.

"Uhm, you're Sasuke Uchiha, ain't ya?" said some ninja-cat.

"Yeah, can we get more altitude?" asked Sasuke.

"Right on it," said some effeminite male, pulling a cord that jetted something into the balloon.

"Good," said Sasuke as a grapnel flew underneath the basket.

"This is the first time we've had someone cooperate like this," said a redhaired woman.

Sasuke leaned back against the side of the basket to regard the two in pirate outfits. Including little skull and crossbones motif. "Let me guess. Land Of Four Ribbons - Black Ribbon?"

"You've heard of Team Ribbon?" said the effeminite man, preening as he produced a rose and sniffed at it.

"Nope," said Sasuke. "You're pirates."

"Right, and now we've caught you!" said the cat, waving a cutlass around.

Sasuke kicked out lightly, knocking the cutlass out of the cat's hands and catching it himself.

"Gulp," said the effeminite man, the redheaded woman, and even the cat.

"Seems to me," said Sasuke. "We each have something the other wants. I'm just trying to figure out what you want."

"We want part of the money that your photobooks and videos take in," said the effete guy. "With you starring in one of OUR videos, we'll make tons of cash!"

"Photobooks?" asked Sasuke. "Videos?"

"Uh huh," said all three at the same time, nervously watching the cutlass.

"WHAT photobooks and videos?" asked Sasuke, not unreasonably.

"I just happen to have one here," said the woman, holding up a book.

Sasuke's gaze was flat as he read the title 'Sasuke Uchiha - Bed, Bath, And Beyond' and handed the cutlass back to the cat. It wasn't like he couldn't take it away again. "Let's see that. We may be able to make a deal if it gets me away from here for a little awhile."

"Oh," said the effete guy. "Uhm. I'm James. This is Jessie, and that's our Summons - Meowth."

"That's right!" agreed the cat-thing.

Thumbing through the magazine, Sasuke went from apparently bored to angry to a cold emotion which caused all three of his 'kidnappers' to crowd away as far as the small basket would allow them to go.

"I think," said Sasuke finally, "that I have a deal for you three. We're going to the publisher of this magazine and we steal everything they've made in profits off of this. Do we have a deal?"

* * *

"They grow up so fast," said Uncle Genma as he watched the balloon slowly sail off into the sunset.

Yes, reflected Uncle Genma, it was a beautiful scene. The cat's head shaped balloon rising up into the red-gold sky. The crowd of young women calling out for their departing Sasuke, some trying to hurl sharp pointy things at the balloon in full ignorance of what would happen if they actually managed to hit it.

The girl dangling from a rope beneath the balloon who was having to swing and twist in order to avoid the sharp pointy things that would occasionally come way too close.

Ah look, Ino managed to grab ahold of Sakura. Now there were TWO girls dangling beneath the balloon as it found a convenient updraft and took a ride like an elevator to dizzying new heights.

Uncle Genma made a handsign and vanished after the balloon was a speck still lit by the sun as the village itself passed into shadow. How amusing that the balloon would be wafted along by a storm front and eventually set down somewhere far far away.

* * *

"We're going to that inn, the repairs to the balloon will have to wait till morning," said James.

"Wimp pirates," complained Sasuke.

"Naw, that ain't it," said Meowth. "It's that the fabric here's thin as a cat's whisker and it's all that keeps us up. If it gets stitched together wrong, it ain't gonna stay airborne."

Sasuke considered this group trying to sew rents in the balloon closed, compounded by the low light level atop this mountain. Reluctantly he nodded. "Go ahead then, I'll keep watch."

The obvious relief of the three pirates (or two pirates and a summons if you wanted to get technical) would have been comical to just about anyone else.

* * *

"Yuhi-sensei," said Kiba, awakening as Akamaru "accidently" woke him up.

"Yeah, I know," said Kurenai, already awake. "It's just one so far and he's keeping his distance."

"One of the bandits?" asked Kiba.

"Don't know," admitted the jonin. "Probably saw the campfire and is trying to investigate without getting too close."

"So... we wait and see if there's others?" asked Kiba.

"What do you think?" asked Kurenai, slipping into examiner-role.

"We capture this one, get him to talk, and then lay in an ambush for any colleagues," said Naruto, still looking as if he was asleep.

"Interesting plan," said Kurenai as she considered the gennin. "How are you going to do that?"

Naruto's eyes slid open. "If you can get Hinata off my arm, I can do that."

"How'd she get over there?" asked Kiba. "I never heard her move."

Kurenai thought of that, and of Hinata's past. Of Hinata finding someone who valued her and wanted to make HER happy. Finding that she'd apparently crossed from her blanket over an additional three feet of ground to snuggle against that person - not exactly something that was all that hard to understand.

* * *

Normally it didn't require great effort to awaken Hinata Hyuga.

Normally, she was very reserved and unsure of herself. Her father's constant attacks and belittlement of her abilities had been intended to draw out a stubborn core where she would dedicate herself to proving him wrong. Instead it had gone in the opposite direction. She was one of those who thrived on encouragement.

Someone had been kind and nice and encouraging to her. Someone had given her pleasures such as she had never dreamed possible, and never once strayed into naughty territory. Someone had provided an example of never giving up and never losing sight of one's goals.

Which was why Hinata Hyuga resisted the call back to the world of waking. While she was unconscious she had wriggled and moved until she was right next to that someone. It still wasn't naughty, just the need to reassure herself that he did indeed exist and that the happiness she'd stumbled across was still there.

"Wake up, Hinata."

"Don't wanna," mumbled Hinata, burrowing closer. "Mine."

"I know you two are engaged and all, but is this really the time?" asked a familiar male voice. Hinata reluctantly woke up enough to place it. Kiba.

Lavender eyes slowly opened, and when she realized that she was snuggled into the side of Naruto Uzumaki, the obvious reaction occurred.

"EEEP!" Hinata squeaked and scrambled back, her face practically glowing red.

Naruto looked slightly embarassed himself as he rolled to his feet.

"Hinata, Hinata, Hinata," softly chided Kurenai-sensei. "Save that for later or I'll recommend that Naruto be transferred to another squad."

Hinata whimpered involuntarily at the thought and at her continued embarassment.

"Hinata, get it together and use your Byakugan," said Kurenai. "How many intruders do you see?"

Hinata frowned in the process of getting overclothes on. "Byakugan! There are... oh dear."

Kiba made an impolite noise.

"Sorry," apologized Hinata. "But there's something wrong with them. There are thirty seven of them, currently spreading out into two-man teams. The single remaining one is very odd."

"What do you mean 'something wrong with them' - like what?" prompted Kurenai.

"Their chakra flows are wrong," said Hinata. "They're also big. Most of them are three times Kiba's size. They're carrying axes and clubs. Except one is carrying a shovel except he's holding it like a weapon, and the shovel has been reinforced to be used like that."

"Huh," said Kiba, grinning in such a way that a fang showed. "A combat shovel? Oh, I'm scared now. Pfeh."

"The chakra flows are wrong how?" asked Kurenai.

"They're running faster than they should, and the distribution isn't even," said Hinata absently as she continued to study the potential opponents. "It should be even over their entire bodies instead of being concentrated in the arms and legs."

Kurenai frowned. "Okay. I'm grading you. How are you going to handle this?"

_krik-krak, krik-krak_ went Naruto's knuckles.

"Wait a minute," said Kiba. "I'm not letting you take all of them."

"Rowr raff!" agreed Akamaru.

Hinata seemed to consider that as she chewed on a Hidden Ninja Valley Trail Bartm Nuttiberir and nodded.

"Okay," said Naruto after a moment. "Hinata can use her Byakugan to keep score."

"Pfeh. Yeah, right," said Kiba. "How about Kurenai Yuhi-sensei? SHE can keep track."

"Just don't kill them all," said Hinata, holding up a hand. "We'll need to question one."

Naruto and Kiba considered her for a moment, before both smiled again. Kiba's was definitely a wolfish smile, Naruto's smile was more affectionate and directed at Hinata.

"Very well then, begin as soon as you're ready," said Kurenai.

* * *

"Let me know when they've begun, Hinata," said Kurenai after the two had slipped into the forest.

"Yes, I... oh," said Hinata. "They've begun. They're going in opposite directions but as the opponents have tried to encircle us, they'll meet behind us."

"Oh?" asked Kurenai, who noted Hinata was completely concentrating on the matter at hand.

Something that sounded like festival fireworks, one of those little chains of firecrackers, went off.

"Ick," said Hinata, who wasn't particularly squeamish. On the other hand, her Byakugan gave her a pretty good and detailed view of what was occurring.

"What's 'ick'?" asked Kurenai.

"Naruto has a technique which causes people he's hit to explode from within," said Hinata. "The last person he used it on - their head exploded into 347 pieces of an average size of 1.2cm with the remaining mass converted to a liquid consistency."

"Ick," agreed Kurenai.

"The two have met back. They're arguing," said Hinata.

"I'm not surprised," said Kurenai.

* * *

"row raff!" exclaimed Akamaru.

"That's right!" said Kiba. "Your count must be wrong."

"No, it's troublesome, but I think we tied," said Naruto with a frown. "Did you save one for interrogating?"

"Oh yeah, I forgot about that," said Kiba, looking back along the trail of destruction he'd wrought.

"Hmm," hmmmed Naruto, leading Kiba back to where one of the bandits was standing.

"You'll never get me to talk," said the bandit. "Never."

"So, if you got fifteen, and I got fifteen, then that leaves seven left still," said Kiba.

"So you're the bandits who have been operating in this area?" asked Naruto.

"That's right, we heard that someone had dispatched a runner to the Hidden Leaf and we set out to intercept you," said teh bandit.

"So it's your whole gang here?" asked Naruto.

"No, just about half of us," said the bandit. "Not that I'm telling YOU anything!"

"Eh?" said Kiba, catching on.

"You're not that well trained as fighters," said Naruto.

"Hah! Shows how little you know!" exclaimed the bandit. "We've got five missing-nin among our number! One's an S-Class! Another is one of Orochimaru's experiments. You don't stand a chance against us!"

"That you're standing paralyzed in a circle of your dead comrades, answering questions you just swore you wouldn't, doesn't matter at all, eh?" asked Kiba as he considered all of this.

"Wha? What did you say?!" said the bandit.

"I hit a pressure point combination where you will answer all of my questions until your time is up," said Naruto.

_whissssssssssssssssssssh-THUNK!_

Kiba blinked as someone had thrown an axe from concealment at their prisoner, but Naruto had just caught it a moment before the impact could take place.

"Kiba? Do you want first crack at our audience?" asked Naruto.

"On it," growled Kiba, noting that Akamaru was already pointing in that direction.

"Wait," said the paralyzed minion as Naruto started to walk away. "You're leaving me like this?"

"No, you don't have that much longer to live," said Naruto, hefting the throwing axe, then discarding it as not being a particularly quality weapon.

"Swine! We'll kill you and dance on your entrails!" bragged the bandit. "When this paraly- sissss... W-what?!" _Ker-sploosh!_

"S-class, eh?" said Naruto as he headed towards the noise caused by Kiba and Akamaru fighting the would-be assassin. That could be interesting.

* * *

"They're retreating," said Hinata as she focussed her Byakugan.

"Good, so will we," said Kurenai Yuhi.

"Excuse me?" asked Naruto and Kiba. Who then glared at each other for doing that in harmony.

"Missing-nin raise the level of this beyond training exercise," said Kurenai.

"We can take them," said Kiba.

Naruto shut his mouth as HE had been prepared to say the same thing.

"Ruff," seconded Akamaru.

"Oh, well, that's okay then," said Kiba.

"What he say?" asked Naruto, curious.

"That they're retreating and will probably be back with reinforcements, to fight us again at a later date," said Kiba.

"Eh?" asked Naruto.

Akamaru nodded and wuffed again.

"I'm not sure what that means," said Kiba, not translating any further.

"It means you pass the test," said Yuhi Kurenai. "Welcome, all of you, to Team 8. Naruto, you're going to continue training Hinata in that martial art style and wearing those weights?"

"You could tell?" asked Naruto, a little surprised.

"How's the injuries?" asked Kurenai of Kiba.

"I've gotten a lot worse before," said Kiba dismissively. "Though I'm going to have to admit that a shovel DOES make a credible weapon in some hands."

"Arf," agreed Akamaru, nodding at that.

"Essentially a staff weapon with a blade at one end, reinforced to be used as a weapon," said Kurenai. "I'm surprised nobody's used one before."

"Next thing you know someone will come up with a taijutsu style that uses a broom," grumbled Kiba.

Kurenai decided to just smirk, knowing that there already WAS such a thing.

"So, uhm," said Hinata, speaking up now. "We're a team."

"So, sensei, any special training?" asked Naruto.

"Why, yes," said Kurenai. "As a matter of fact..."

* * *

The sun hadn't gone up very far before Sasuke Uchiha stirred himself and wondered briefly why he had felt so relaxed.

He realized after a moment's pondering that it was because he was away from the fanclub. No explosions in the middle of the night. No barely-dressed girls trying to sneak into his bed. Nobody trying to bring him breakfast/lunch/dinner/brunch/snacks or impress him with their various skills.

No, he had a group of pirates who would gladly betray him if they thought they could get away with it.

Sighing, Sasuke began down the mountain. Those three MIGHT have fled down the mountain and still be running. It wouldn't exactly surprise him at this point.

* * *

**Author's Notes:** this was just one of the Mischief Fragment ideas, written out a bit further to indicate how much of a twist this could take.


	4. Chapter 4: Tiger and the Tank

**Another Fistful Of Omake**

by Greylle

DISCLAIMER: Original series belong to someone else.  
NOTE: The following are just ideas that are not currently being pursued. Anyone wanting to use or continue them are welcome to, just credit me for the initial twist OK?

chapter three: A Tiger and the tank

You can see chapter 2 of these omake for the events prior to the start here. The divergence is the first paragraph.

originally posted under another of my pseudonyms, Kestral, at the Anime Addventure.

* * *

Naruto Usumaki. Child of the Fourth Hokage. Container of the Nine-tailed Demon Fox.

The demon fox was a force of destructive nature, a living storm of chakra that could only release its rage in destruction.

"I will make you suffer for this," said the demon fox.

The cat ever so slowly raised his head to open yellow eyes to gaze upon the fox. "Do you REALLY want to open that can? You really want me to get more serious in Round Two?"

"I wasn't ready the first time," said the fox. "Try me again."

Abruptly the room was replaced with a modern boxing ring, with thousands of black cats in the seats watching.

A black cat wearing a striped shirt pulled a microphone out of nowhere. "Welcome gentlemen, to the rematch of theeeeeeeeee CENTURY!"

"You ARE going to turn me back from being a plush toy, right?" asked the demon fox.

_Poof!_

"NOW WE'RE TALKING," roared the demon fox.

"In this corner, the challengerrrrrrr," called out the referee-cat. "The Jinchuraki. Jinchurapper. Jin- the Nine Tailed Demon Fox!"

_dead silence broken only by a cricket in the background_

"And in this corner," said the referee. "The elder god of chaos and mischief, over a hundred billion years old and still going strong, the unintended destroyer of three galaxies and a small section of Japan..."

"I rebuilt those, hardly anybody notices the teenie-tiny little mistakes I made," said yet another black cat as it stepped underneath the ropes to take its place on the other side of the ring.

"Toltiir!" called out the ref.

Predictably, the crowd of black cats in the audience went wild. Except for two old-looking black cats who called out a set of puns too awful to be repeated.

"I'm ready for you now," growled the Beast.

"Pink is definitely your color," said the cat.

Growling something very impolite, the Beast started ripping the ribbons and bows off of its tail.

"Now, what should we set the stakes at for this fight?" mused the cat in the rink. "Obviously what YOU get is that I'm out of your life. Everything goes back to normal. What do I get out of it though?"

"Whatever. I don't care, because I won't lose," said the Beast, lunging forward. "DIE!"

_KABAM_

"See, this isn't even a good contest," said Toltiir, addressing the Beast flattened underneath an enormous shoe that somehow conveyed the impression of being actually bigger than a solar system. "You're just a little localized pit of destruction. You don't even have an intelligence unless you're contained within someone. Hey, that's an idea. Why don't I give you a makeover?!"

The Demon Fox groaned as best it could with a current thickness of less than a millimeter.

"Foxes are supposed to be mischievous, intelligent, and sneaky," said Toltiir, now with a little scholar's cap and glasses and labcoat. "And these other beasts are basically the same as you. Who came up with this system anyway? At LEAST each beast should have had a different element or power grouping. No, couldn't have anything like that could we. Pfeh. Chakra batteries with an attitude, that's about it. Hmmm. Let's try THIS."

_POOF!_

Suddenly the Demon Fox was no longer flattened, was calm, and understood Everything. The Universe. The Multiverse. The Metaverse. Quantum Physics, High Energy Particles, and How Many Licks Did It Take To Get To The Center Of A Tootsie-Pop. "whoa."

"No, let's go with a bare 200 IQ or something like that," said Toltiir, making another adjustment.

The Demon Fox shook his head, suddenly being less intelligent but with memories of Understanding still echoing through his head.

"Ah," said Toltiir. "What if we change a little something here?"

* * *

"What?!" said the black cat a bit later.

The Ninetails chuckled. "Something tells me that you weren't expecting that."

"Well, no," admitted Toltiir. "I haven't done anything to alter things in that direction or with that character. I admit it makes sense for what they were originally trying to accomplish."

* * *

"We must appear strong," said the aged grandfather. "We must appear to be strong and ruthless. Otherwise we are entirely too open to attack or loss of influence."

"I know that," said Hiashi Hyuga. "She's my daughter though. I have already sacrificed my brother. Publicly we must turn her away. Under that though - we can try to make sure she's taken care of."

"Sir?" asked an arriving jonin. "She has been taken in by the foxboy."

"Keep watching, but if she has a friend it makes it easier for her," said Hiashi Hyuga. "As to the other matter, if we can find a way to strike back at Orochimaru or his interests - we should spare no effort to do so."

"Payback is also VERY important," agreed the aged grandfather.

* * *

In the space of less than an hour, her world had gone completely dark. She had been a disappointment to her father for many years, but there had always been a chance of redemption and of proving herself.

In one hour she'd been kidnapped right outside the gates of her home, beaten when she'd tried to cry out, and then...

and then her eyes had been scooped out of her head.

Now she wasn't even acknowledged as a survivor by her own family. She'd heard and she knew the reasons. The ninja life was a difficult one and someone who was crippled like herself was only a burden.

"Come with me, you can't spend the night out here," said a familiar-sounding voice.

Hinata jumped as her misery was interrupted. "Please. I just want to be alone."

"No, that's no good," said the voice of the same boy who'd spoken earlier. "I ain't got much, but it'll get you out of the cold tonight."

"You're... Naruto-kun," said the young girl, placing the voice.

"Come on," said Naruto. "I kinda know what it's like to be alone. I can leave you alone there, but you need to be inside."

* * *

Toltiir waited.

Orochimaru SHOULD have continued on his current path and obsessed over the Sharingan. Kabuto SHOULD have remained hidden. Though Kabuto WAS mostly hidden still as the only one who could positively identify him was currently blinded.

Toltiir waited though. He waited as Hinata cried herself to sleep, despite the current lack of tear ducts as they'd been grabbed as well. When Naruto fell asleep with Hinata's head in his lap, Toltiir stirred within the carrier.

There was nothing the Phoenix could do in this instance, though in a few years Naruto might be able to pull that last image from Hinata's mind and then take a measure of vengeance upon Kabuto. Which might not be amusing in and of itself, but it WAS a staple of the whole ninja thing.

Well, maybe Naruto could make it amusing somehow when the time came.

Ah, here we go.

* * *

"Where? I can see again?" asked Hinata, spinning around at the ancient-looking shrine grounds.

"Not quite," said a voice from within the depths of the shrine. The doors blew open and a pair of green-glowing eyes regarded her from within that darkness. "I am that which is sealed away within Naruto."

"I won't let you hurt him," said Hinata, taking a stance between Naruto and the shrine.

"I know of you, Hinata Hyuga," said the voice. "I know that you had one previous attempt to claim your eyes. I know your father took it out on you that he lost his brother and of his disappointment that you are a gentler soul than is normally found within a ninja. I know that you've been watching Naruto for about four years now, and that you admire his Will To Succeed."

"What? I mean..." said Hinata, going from defiant to embarassed.

"Ah, young love," said the Voice wistfully. It provided SO much opportunity for mischief after all.

"eep," said Hinata, going now to severely embarassed with frequent fidgeting.

"It may be possible for you to continue your path as a ninja, Hinata Hyuga," said that Voice. "Here and now, I can intervene. Your Byakugan is lost. If you agree to my terms, I can arrange an alternative."

"I'll take it," said Hinata.

"I haven't set the terms yet," pointed out the Voice.

"I do not want to be a burden," said Hinata.

"Very well then," said the Voice. "Let it be noted then that Hinata formerly of the Hyuga clan is now recognized as an Official Fiancee Of Naruto."

"w-w-w-what?!" weakly said Hinata. "but we're only eleven!"

"Old enough for an engagement," dismissed the Voice. "Would you prefer the position of clan retainer? That'd work too. As for the rest, DONE."

* * *

Toltiir considered all the possibilities. And of the problems. So, just make use of these guys...

Hinata woke up to darkness. "WHAT?! WHERE AM I?!"

"You let her wake up, you numskulls!" _SLAP!_

"Someone?! Any -mpph?!" Hinata found some foul rag stuffed into her mouth.

"We got her and we got the kid," said another voice. "Where's that lab?"

"Quiet you numskulls, I gotta check the map." _rustle rustle_ "Okay. Orochimama's secret lab is about... over that way."

"And when this works, we'll be superpowerful ninjas, right Moe?"

"Knock it off with the names, ya lamebrain!" _BONK SLAP BONK_ "That Oreomama's guy said if we can pull this off, he'll take us in. We'll just use these experimental subjects to test the equipment. You saw how they was treated back in the village. Nobody's gonna miss them!"

"Gee, Moe, that's smart. No wonder yer the leader."

"Stop talking the obvious, moron."

"Hey, the boy here is heavy. Do we really need two of 'em?"

"Sometimes you actually acts like you might have a brain in there." _light slap_ "OK. Tie the boy up good and tight to that tree. We can always come back and get him later."

"So why are we using these names anyway? What's 'Moe' mean?"

"I dunno, they came to me in some dream. What's the problem? We're ninjas. Ninjas use codenames and such, don't they?"

"Mfffff!" protested Hinata, who had never heard that before.

* * *

"Don't lose the trail," said Kakashi.

"I don't think a first year gennin could lose this trail," countered Neji.

"MFFFFFFFFF!" said a boy who'd been gagged and tied up to a tree.

"Who tied this? They've cut off his circulation in three places," said Might Guy.

"MFFFFFFFFF!" repeated the boy.

"Rock, you stay here, get him loose," said Might Guy, handing a kunai to the other ninja. "The rest of us will have to hurry and catch up again."

"You said it," said Kakashi. "These guys are so inept they may hurt her without actually trying to do anything of the kind."

"Remember, don't do anything to them until that lab has been found," said Neji. "My clan wants to go over it for clues as to Orochimaru's location."

"I think we'll be disappointed there," said Kakashi, leaping into motion. "Most likely there will be no clues and those three are just stooges. They won't know anything of value."

* * *

"Okay, put the victim on the blue circle."

"Who?"

"The girl, nitwit!"

"Oh yeahhhhh."

Hinata felt herself being dumped roughly onto what felt like stone.

"Now to give her da power of a mighty beast!"

"Uhm, Moe?"

"What NOW?"

"She's our prisoner, right? She don't like us, right? So... maybe we should, like, try something small and not so powerful?"

"Don't be... hmmm. You might just have something there. Okay. Grab that!"

"Got it!"

"Red circle."

"Done!"

"Now we pull the switch and all these little spinny things go spinning around and little sparky-things go sparking and..."

"Is that part of it supposed to catch fire?"

"Put it out, put it out!"

Hinata had to wonder what was going on as she felt something zapping her heavily, as she felt as if she was torn apart and swirled together with something else.

* * *

"Kakashi, what do you see?"

"I see three morons who have gotten ahold of some forbidden equipment that apparently Orochimaru left behind. I also see where... no. It can't be."

"Can we kill them now?" asked Neji.

"Hang on," cautioned Kakashi. "The device is healing her. I can see where eyes are underneath her blindfold. Except... she has animal ears and a tail?!"

"Let's just beat them senseless," said Might Guy. "DRAMATIC ENTRY!"

* * *

"Well, it's definitely Hinata," said Kakashi after the dust had settled. "It's just that she's got the ears and tail of the animal she was combined with. A tiger."

"I thought they were going to try and splice her with something harmless?"

"You're surprised that they got that wrong too?"

"Good point."

* * *

"Well, she's not a cripple anymore," said Hiashi Hyuga.

"This is most unexpected," said the Hokage. "I want this equipment studied. ANBU will have to do it, but I want oversight from others not IN ANBU."

Hiashi nodded once and responded so quietly one had to be practically bumping shoulders to overhear. "You don't want Root to have a free reign."

"Not only 'no' but 'hell no'," responded Sarutobi in the same hushed tone.

"So what do we do?" asked Hiashi in a more normal tone. "Her eyes do not possess the Byakugan, but clearly she can see. I cannot relent and let her back into the clan without some official reason to do so."

"I am not going to order you to do so," said Sarutobi. "No. Let her remain with Naruto. They're both too young for anything untoward to happen. By the time they've gotten a bit older, we'll know more. The medic-nin looking over her have reported that the transformation will require some time to stabilize. We'll just put it out that this has been a very unlucky time for young Hinata and that the three foreign nin who did this were working for who they were working for. Some of the equipment was damaged when it caught fire, and figuring out how it was done and how it can be cured remain concerns for the future."

"Ah, that would work," said Hiashi, before directing her next question towards the ceiling. "Does that work for you, Hinata?"

"Nyipe!" said a catgirl clinging to the ceiling.

_Thud!_

"Considering her fever and current condition, that was actually fairly impressive," allowed Hiashi Hyuga.

"Never able to praise them when they're actually able to hear anything, are you?" asked the Hokage.

Hiashi shrugged in reply. He was the tough clan head of a ninja village. Strict disciplinarian was in the job description as far as he could tell. "What about those three spies?"

"They died before anything could be determined," said Sarutobi. "Some sort of poisoned senbon."

"So," said Hiashi. "There are still spies or agents within the village. Yes, we shall definitely be keeping an eye on Hinata and Naruto." He smiled briefly. "That sounds like an excellent excuse, doesn't it?"

* * *

"Huh," said Naruto, as he tried to take care of Hinata. It was all so odd. And yet-

One of the weird things occurring now is that while he was still considered 'unapproachable' or something, there were now occasional smiles (quickly hidden) sent in his direction.

A couple of stores had lowered their prices a little bit, one saying that the special tax was temporarily lifted or something.

Naruto took the little cloth off of Hinata's forehead, rinsed it out, and put it in his refrigerator. He took the other cloth off the shelf and put it on Hinata's forehead and checked the medical scrolls he'd been given.

Yeah, he understood that some people viewed Hinata a bit differently. He understood that the Hokage wanted Hinata where she wouldn't constantly be poked and prodded. It still felt odd that she was sick and not in the hospital.

According to this scroll, at some point he needed to wipe the sweat off of her. Which meant...

Oh man. Good thing she was unconscious.

He did it though. One thing he'd learned - you were a ninja - you did what you had to do. Whatever it took, you got the mission done. Right?

When he'd finally finished, using up four towels to do it, he checked and found two spurts of blood had come out of Hinata's nose.

"AGHHH! She's dying! Nosebleed, nosebleed, where's the section on nosebleeds?!"

* * *

Hinata woke up, feeling refreshed and strangely buoyant and energetic.

When she realized that she was in Naruto's bed, and that Naruto had fallen asleep in a chair sitting next to the bed, she blushed and twiddled her fingers and the feeling of buoyancy actually increased.

Some of the dreams she'd had, well, they weren't quite what they might be in a few years.

It wasn't long though before her stomach made its unhappiness known. Apparently the rice gruel that Naruto had spoonfed her yesterday did not have a lot of staying power.

A fresh blush occurred. Though she had felt enormously weak and lost yesterday, and she HAD slept a lot, she'd been conscious for a lot of it.

Now she'd have to see about getting herself a PROPER meal. Honestly, you'd think Naruto lived entirely on different varieties of ramen.

* * *

"She's a monster!" said the fishmonger.

"How so?" asked the ANBU member being accosted by a shopkeeper.

"She grabbed a large fish right off of the top of the stack!" said the fishmonger.

"And?" asked the ANBU member.

"She grabbed it up in her MOUTH and ran off with it," said the fishmonger.

"Ah, and she didn't pay?" prompted the ANBU member, who was still wondering why bother HIM with it.

"Uhm, well, actually, she did toss me a bit of change," muttered the fishmonger.

"Oh. So what exactly was the problem?" asked the ANBU member.

"A young girl jumps up, grabs a fish in her mouth, and runs off on all fours, and you don't have a problem with it?" asked the fishmonger.

"Not as much as I do with someone who goes calling a victim of several reprehensible crimes a monster because she survived all of it, no," admitted the ANBU member. "Do you want me to let Lord Hyuga know that you are harassing someone formerly of his clan?"

"Ung," said the fishmonger, suddenly aware of several looks directed his way from the gathering crowd. A fair number of which were not even remotely sympathetic. "Never mind."

* * *

A member of ANBU melted out of the shadows with a brief swirl of tattered cape.

"I really wish you'd stop doing that," said the Hokage, glancing in that direction.

"Doing what?" asked the ANBU member whose mask resembled some demonic face.

"The overly dramatic entries and exits," said the Hokage. "Might Guy gets away with it due to his extreme competence in physical abilities."

"Oh..." said the ANBU member, now apparently sulking.

"Fine," said the Hokage, rolling his eyes. The ANBU agent WAS good, but not as a combat operative. Covert operations involving information gathering was a much better deal. "Report, Crow."

"Those three troublemakers," began Crow.

"Which ones?" asked Sarutobi, the Third Hokage and frequent sufferer of headaches. Not all of whom were named Naruto.

"Komugi, Inaho, and Gennai," qualified Crow. "They were the ones who did a 'dine-and-dash' at Eisen's Bagelworks. The customer who identified Hinata as one of the runners was less than truthful."

The Hokage nodded.

Crow took out his notebook. "The medic-nin examining Hinata formerly-Hyuga have declared she is ready to return to school, though she apparently has not completely recovered from her ordeal. Her condition is, however, stable."

"Good," said the Hokage, waving Crow to continue as he poured himself some tea.

"Her strength and speed are over five times what they were, and continuing to increase," said Crow. "She's doing better than she was, but she still tires easily. At a couple of points she knocked Naruto Uzumaki over so that she could use him as a pillow."

"How is HE handling that?" asked the Hokage.

"Tolerating it fairly well, actually," said Crow. "Though he runs and dodges a lot when he determines it's about to happen, resulting in him getting chased down first."

"Ah," said the Hokage, the scene he'd viewed earlier in his crystal ball device now making more sense.

"Her senses are exceptionally acute," said Crow. "Sense of smell, hearing, and sight - particularly in dim lighting or at night. Apparently she has some resistance to genjutsu because her senses ARE sharpened to such a degree."

"Yes, Aoba Yamashiro mentioned something to that effect," agreed the Hokage. "At least she's not eating any of his ravens now."

* * *

"I'd abandoned that research as useless," mused Orochimaru. "What did these three do differently?"

"There were several things different about this girl," said Kabuto. "Two being that she IS young and a girl. All previous attempts involved male subjects and were considerably older. She also was the previous owner of that Byakugan."

"Oh yes, those," said Orochimaru. "Such pretty eyes. You did well in acquiring them."

"It was entirely my pleasure," responded Kabuto.

"It is said that the Sharingan came from the Byakugan, but the Sharingan is for combat only while the Byakugan is useful in a variety of situations," noted Orochimaru. "We may have to implant these in someone soon to better study them. Find a suitable prisoner."

"Yes," said Kabuto. "We have some suitable candidates."

"Good," said Orochimaru. "Also keep an eye out for a young ninja girl, strong and healthy, whom we can acquire for experimentation."

"Someone from Konoha, perhaps?" asked Kabuto with a smile.

"Oh yes," said Orochimaru with a matching smile. "You sometimes know exactly what to say."

* * *

There were many in the class who just went ahead and stared as Naruto entered.

Not because of Naruto, but because of the girl who followed him in.

"Hinata?!" asked Kiba, basically summing up what everyone else was thinking.

"Urf?" asked Akamaru, trying to make sense out of what his nose was saying.

"Today we're studying shuriken trajectories and explosive mixes," said Iruka-sensei. "If everyone would take a seat? Uhm, no, Hinata. You may not sit in Naruto's lap."

"Mou," complained Hinata as she got off a flustered Naruto's lap to take her own seat.

"...i just don't understand girls..." said Naruto.

"Hmmmmmm," hmmmed a speculative Sakura as she eyed her neighbor.

"No," said Iruka, seeing as several of Sasuke's fangirls were apparently considering trying that with Sasuke.

Sasuke grumbled something about the annoyance.

* * *

It happened halfway through the class, during Mizuki's lecture on Why The Ninetailed Fox Was Evil.

"Urrrr," said Hinata, her ears drooping before she yawned. Revealed were very white, very sharp-looking, teeth.

"Uh oh," said Naruto.

"What do you mean 'uh oh'?" asked Kiba as he watched. Because of his family specialty, he could read some animal body language. He was getting Hinata's message right now. "She's just tired."

"Yeah," said Naruto, his gaze flicking over to Kiba. "That's what "

Hinata had abruptly pounced, slammed Naruto to the bench, and then cuddled up against him and went to sleep.

"Oh, so that's what you meant," concluded Kiba.

"uh huh," said Naruto as he tried to straighten up. This was made more difficult because Hinata seemed to have already gone to sleep except for latching onto her 'pillow'.

"Hurrrrrrrrrrrr," sort-of purred Hinata from her new position.

Mizuki's usual pleasant facade was briefly overshadowed by a look of rage and disgust, then covered again.

There were those in the class who noticed however, and who were not inclined to watch the spectacle of a tiger-girl cuddling against a boy.

Most of the class, though, was watching the tiger-girl cuddling up against her squirming pillow.

Sasuke noticed not only how Hinata managed to keep her cuddle-toy at hand, but noticed the various girls noticing those techniques. You didn't need to be a rookie genius to see what was coming, and he immediately started working on escape strategies and tactics.

* * *

Class had finally and mercifully ended, and Naruto shifted the burden around until she was in a 'fireman's carry' position.

Yeah, he was aware of the looks and whispers. He was used to that. The disdain, the hatred, the... Ino Yamanaka opening the door for him?!

"You got your hands full," she said, sounding amused at something.

Naruto found a smile flitting into place and he nodded as he passed the blonde. "Thanks."

* * *

"Danzo-sama!" said the ANBU member. "We've been invaded!"

"Explain," said Danzo, not bothering to wipe his usual sneer off his face.

"Word of Hinata's transformation has reached other villages, who have dispatched spies to watch and report back," said the ANBU member wearing a happyface mask.

"And?" asked Danzo.

"EVERY ninja village has sent a spy," said Happyface.

"Even the tiny nearly-insignificant ones?" asked Danzo, knowing full well how much a drain on resources a full-time spy could be.

"Yessir," said Happyface.

"This is not unexpected," said Danzo. "As they are using spies, have any of their spies recognized spies from other villages?"

"Yessir," reported Happyface. "So the spies are spying on the other spies as well as on young Hinata."

"And our spies are watching the spies who are watching the spies?" asked Danzo.

"Yessir," reported Happyface.

Danzo frowned as a thought popped into his head. "Just in case there are double-agents among our own forces, we should have some of our agents keep an eye on those of our agents who are keeping track of these spies. Since Orochimaru no doubt has spies among these others, it's certainly within his known tactics to do something along those lines. Let me know if there are any discrepencies that may indicate a disloyal member of our forces."

"..." Happyface scratched his head behind the mask. "Uhm. So we should post spies to watch our spies who are watching the foreign spies who are watching the other foreign spies?"

"One can never be TOO paranoid," said Danzo, "and have a senior member go over the reports to look for discrepencies. Don't bother me with it otherwise."

"So we have a Master Spy oversee the spies who watch the spies who observe the spies who are keeping track of the other spies who are spying on Hinata?!" said a confused-sounding Happyface.

"Yes, that sums it up nicely," said Danzo, settling back into his chair again. "Oh. And procure me a small white cat, extra fluffy. I'm working on my image as an evil behind-the-scenes genius."

"Yessir! Rightaway!" said Happyface, managing to convey that he was getting a headache despite the mask.

* * *

It had been a week since her capture and transformation. A week and a day since she'd lost eyesight and clan.

Hinata waited for Naruto to leave, then stripped off her clothes to check herself out in the mirror. Not for reasons of vanity. Because of the changes that had gone through her since that night she'd been kidnapped. She had to see if anything ELSE had changed.

She stretched out one leg, pointing the toes, then rotated her body so that she stood on one leg and pointed the other straight up. Then began a series of stretches as she tested out her flexibility.

She had always been flexible. Now she was more so. She hadn't exactly been a powerhouse before, but she was much stronger now. Stronger and faster and her hand-eye coordination seemed greater. She was still getting used to the strength though, it threw off the aim of her kunai among other things.

She looked herself though, save for the ears and tail and more developed figure and muscle tone.

The tank top and shorts were her new workout outfit and quickly donned. It was odd but once she'd seen them, she had felt they'd be perfect for using her new taijutsu. She didn't have access to the Gentle Fist after all. That required the Byakugan. Her new form had greater strength and speed, as well as seeming to be genuinely tougher, so a more direct style was required. Not that she was going to drop the Gentle Fist in its entirety. The circular movements were perfect for redirecting an opponent's attacks, dodging, and for movement.

So she would have to find a sensei who could advise her on this new path. Fortunately she had a name, and all she had to do was find them now.

* * *

She was currently eleven years old, things having shifted around significantly in the timestream.

She was also someone who'd been kidnapped, had her eyes gouged out of their sockets, and abandoned by both kidnappers and her family. Then Naruto had rescued her, she'd been kidnapped AGAIN, suffered experimentation that had restored her eyesight, and was now training in a style of martial arts that made use of the fact that she was now part-tiger.

Which made it very good for her was that she had a scroll detailing the Tiger Kung Fu Style.

Embuing her claws with chakra, she could slice into things. Once she was better though, she could combine the claws together through her chakra - making them essentially twin curved shortswords that could carve through almost everything. Which would make her a formidable warrior.

Maito Gai was helping her on the times when he was available. You could only learn so much from a scroll after all, and it couldn't correct your stances.

She was still short and slender despite having tigerish qualities, her basic look hadn't changed much at all. Her teeth seemed to look whiter and sharper. The ears atop her head looked more housecat than tiger. Both ears and tail were the same blue-black as her hair. If one looked beneath her clothing, one could see a faint stripe-pattern along her skin that was a few shades different from the rest of her skin tone. Her nails were narrower and thicker.

Her eyes though, those were as striking as they'd been when she'd been a Hyuga. They were golden, without visible whites, surrounding dark round pupils. Surrounding those eyes were dark lines that further brought attention to them. There were many in Konoha who would have trouble meeting that gaze.

Once at Ichiraku's, Naruto had pronounced them cute.

Hinata liked her eyes. She liked Naruto's better, feeling that they were more expressive and that she could watch their azure depths for hours at a time. Yet she DID like her eyes, because she could see very well in low light levels and could see very clearly and in detail.

She could also watch Naruto with those eyes, which usually brought her a sense of peace and contentment.

"Oh my gosh," said Naruto, spoiling the moment. "What did you say?!"

"That someone was kidnapped," said the Third Hokage, glancing towards Hinata. "We're checking into it now."

Hinata felt her chest clench, wondering if it were the same sort of people who were responsible for her having a tail.

"Who was it?" asked Naruto. "Was it anyone I know?"

The Third hesitated and nodded. "It was Sakura Haruno..."

AUTHOR'S NOTES: Another idea which just didn't draw a lot of interest. 


	5. Chapter 5: peggy sue got ninjaed?

Another Fistful Of Omake: Time Twist

a possibility raised by Greylle

* * *

The courier bird flew away in a manner she could only envy.

It had been over a decade ago now that her hopes and dreams had died when HE had died.

She'd continued on, the bright hope his smile had kindled within her gradually dying. Too many years, too many changes, too much blood on her hands and those of others.

She remembered that as she watched the bird winging away with the message. Her job spying was done now. She wouldn't be able to return to the village though, the alarm would already have been raised. There was only one way for her to end this mission.

Only one freedom left for her. Her family and her father would be pleased that she'd done this much right, she supposed. That she'd been of some use to the village. After her dreams had died, been dragged through the filth, crushed and burned with the intervening years. With the Caged Bird Seal that had been applied to her when Hanabi had come into her inheritance - she couldn't even see as clearly as she once had. Not that it had come as a surprise, her father had done to HIS brother the same thing.

Courtesan training had been tough, but it was a weapon in the arsenal of the mature kunoichi. She had gotten through several missions like that. As one of Hokage Danzo's people had put it, her body was just another thing to use for the betterment of the village. It had made her feel filthy and untrue to the memory of her love, but that was her failure - not his.

After a few missions in which she'd been seduced/seducer, lover, betrayer, and killer - she'd grown a bit colder. Not that anyone could notice as everyone was going through the same things under Danzo's control. The Land Of Fire was more powerful than ever, especially after Danzo killed off the feudal lord in order to hold the reins of power himself.

She let out a deep breath, taking a long knife from the folds of her obi.

Her own father had arranged this marriage, which was a mission. Now the plans for their defenses was winging its way to the village she'd been born in. The village which had once been her home. Where a boy she'd loved had once dwelled.

She wiped the useless tears away. Useless tears from a useless girl. On the other hand, it was surprising that she could still weep. She'd thought she'd long passed that point.

"Naruto," whispered Hinata, pointing the tip of the blade at her throat. Would she see him again on the other side? Could she dare hope?

"THERE SHE IS!" yelled a guardsman, apparently spotting her in the garden.

Hinata took a deep breath, and plunged the dagger in with all her strength.

Everything stopped.

#Do you want to see him again?#

Hinata wondered what was going on. Why wasn't she moving? Had she been hit with a paralysis jutsu? Was even this release denied her? Or had it all finally been too much and she'd gone insane?

#You are not insane. If you could do it all again, if you could avoid this fate. Would you?#

"Yes," whispered Hinata as she found her lips able to move that much. "Oh yes."

#Then you may try.#

"Who?" asked Hinata.

#Does it matter?# said the voice, a gentle-sounding baritone. #This is simply a second chance, we shall not meet again. Everything else is up to you.#

* * *

"Eh?" muttered Hinata as she sat bolt upright and immediately took in her surroundings.

She was... where?

"Are you okay, Hinata? It's not like you to fall asleep like that," said Iruka-sensei from the front of the classroom.

Her eyes wide, Hinata looked around. People she KNEW were dead, were instead sitting at their desks. They were also kids again.

Her vision turned misty as she looked down near the front of the classroom and saw him there. Naruto. Alive.

* * *

She couldn't cry anymore.

The years hadn't been kind to her, but they hadn't been kind to anyone who had ties to the old power structure. The Sixth Hokage, Danzo, had turned out to be a vindictive sort.

She set the guard's body to the side. It wasn't as if she'd had to strike very hard, one finger had been all that was required. No witnesses, that was the order. Danzo's agent had been quite clear. No witnesses meant absolutely no one who saw her could be allowed to identify her afterwards. She replaced the ANBU mask on her face, though it didn't really help and was a pain to breathe through.

She'd seen so many deaths over the past ten years. Naruto, when it had looked like things were finally going his way. Sasuke, after a long and dark road. Others, a blur of faces that haunted her on sleepless nights.

She slipped from the guard shack like a ghost. She had reason to work on her stealth techniques after all. She'd had to kill complete innocents before, even more innocent than a border guard who'd simply spotted what he thought was a cold and lonely young woman who'd been caught in the rainstorm.

Sakura lifted her face into the rain, letting the drops patter against the mask briefly. She couldn't weep, so she'd let the sky weep for her.

She was supposed to be a medic-nin. A HEALER. According to the current philosophy within Konoha, that just meant she'd be all the better service to the community as an assassin. Turned loose to kill.

"So it's you," said a voice.

Sakura dodged to the side as a blast of wind carved the ground she'd just left.

"Did you think you wouldn't be discovered?" asked Temari's voice as the former Sand ninja manuevered around. "The poison-expert Sakura Haruno?"

Sakura snarled at the voice. Like she had a choice?

"You even killed your best friend when it was discovered she was part of a resistance against your precious Hokage!" continued Temari's voice.

Sakura let a faint smile cross her face. At least SHE wasn't giving away her position with pointless talk. Besides, she'd killed Ino rather than see her once-friend under the tender not-so-mercies of the Torture & Interrogation Team.

Which meant Temari was right over THERE!

Sakura leapt, bouncing off a small tree, then another leap towards where her prey was.

"Stop playing around, Leaf-girl," said Temari.

"IDIOT!" said Sakura, leaping out past the tree towards - nothing?

The wind caught her in mid-leap, slashing at her, throwing her into the ground hard enough that she felt ribs crack. The wind didn't let up though, throwing her back along a path so that she went through the guard shack. As she rolled to a stop she caught a glimpse of a whirlwind gathering up the broken glass and wood that turned them into missiles.

They hit as Sakura tried to scramble to the side. Chunks of glass slashed into flesh, she felt spikes of agony as wooden shards nailed her to the ground.

"I learned to throw my voice," said Temari, walking along the path of destruction. "How does it feel, being the attack dog of a village that has thrown every treaty you've made away?"

"Like I've got a choice in this," said Sakura as she reached around to pull a wooden rod out of her chest.

"Like any of us have any choices anymore?" replied Temari. "Well, good enough. Just stay there and it'll be quick and over with."

There was a quick temptation. Not to have to kill people for no reason other than a glimpse of her face? Not to be part of the new ANBU whose entire purpose was simply to enforce Danzo's whims?

Temari's face expressed several different emotions in quick order, then she simply brought her fan up again. "Rest in PEACE!"

Sakura snarled and threw the kunai that she'd prepared. Even if the winds deflected it, the wind would swirl the poison around.

As predicted, Temari deflected it with a short air burst. The kunai exploded, sending a red mist everywhere.

Sakura relaxed. She'd die. Temari would die. Even the grass here would die. Concentrated King Scorpion Venom was that deadly.

Finally, she could stop killing. Maybe she'd see Sasuke again. Or better yet, Naruto. Sad to know what was valuable only when it was gone.

#Do you want to see him again?#

* * *

She stared around her. Iruka-sensei. Classroom. A young Sasuke, alive, brooding but not showing that insane light in his eyes he would later.

"Are you okay, Sakura?" asked a young boy nearby.

"Na-Naruto?" asked Sakura, putting the situation together with that weird voice talking about-

-starting over again?

"NARUTO-KUN!" said a brunette blur as she launched herself and then latched on to Naruto with a ferocity that surprised everyone in the class. "Please. Please don't die again."

"EHHHHHHH?" asked most of the class.

"NARUTO!" exclaimed Sakura, winding back for a punch when things caught up with her again. Hinata wasn't acting as she had back then, was she? Hadn't Hinata been darn near terminally shy?

Which meant - she hadn't been the only one sent back?

Sakura settled for tapping Hinata on the shoulder. Much as she wanted to grab Naruto herself, or hit him, or both. "You remember, we're twelve now. You're using your courtesan training."

"Ehhh?" asked Hinata, jumping back and turning red. "That is-"

Iruka frowned. What was Hiashi doing, forcing a little girl to have courtesan training?

"I know, it's pretty much automatic due to the training regimen," noted Sakura, realizing that would mess HER up too.

"What's going on?" asked a completely lost Kiba.

"Rowrr rowr," softly growled Akamaru, sniffing heavily.

"We'll talk later then," said Hinata, turning Naruto loose to go back to her seat. Clearly reluctant to do so, but doing it.

"Huh? Wha? What?" asked Naruto, having absolutely no idea what was going on.

Sakura took her seat. They'd have to confer between themselves, figure out what was what. Make plans. A glance at Naruto (still completely at a loss for things) and then at Hinata with a slight nod.

If they actually could change things - there was no way either of them would let it happen again.

* * *

Everyone knew that SOMETHING was going on. Hinata's little display had certainly been a clue of that.

Not that Sakura could blame Hinata. Sakura could admit she'd been about ready to do the same thing.

Once, long ago by her reckoning, she'd said something to Naruto. It hadn't been completely true, but it hadn't been completely a lie either.

She'd confessed that Sasuke turning down the path he had was breaking her heart. She'd confessed that there had been no use loving a missing-nin and a criminal. She'd gone on to tell Naruto that he'd appreciated her, encouraged her, been there for her. That by that point he'd matured, become less the class clown and more the sort of hero who actually had a shot at becoming Hokage as he'd always wanted. He'd actually gone from no-good prankster to someone admirable.

If, as in some old stories, there actually were love potions - she'd have taken one voluntarily to love Naruto back then. To love someone who wasn't breaking her heart and who could love her back. Unfortunately, such things were just old folk tales. Falling in love wasn't something that could be controlled, and falling out of love was just as uncontrolled.

The sound of a tap on concrete behind her announced that Hinata had arrived.

What she didn't expect was a second arrival a moment later.

"So, you too?" asked Sakura, getting a nod in reply.

"Three of us then," said Hinata softly, noting that the third of their little group was Shikamaru Nara?

"This was all a pain the first time through," grumbled Shikamaru.

"So what do we do?" asked Sakura, eyeing the other two. "Go to the Hokage? 'Hey, I know we're twelve year old genin to you, but actually we're fourteen years older than you think we are.' I just don't think that's going to fly."

Shikamaru snorted at that.

"I died on a mission, killing Temari," said Sakura as she eyed Shikamaru.

Shikamaru cocked his head at that. "So there's a chance she 'reset' as well as we did?"

"Yeah," said Sakura, "whether she'll forgive us or not - that's another thing."

Shikamaru nodded. "You were listed as 'presumed dead' - your body never recovered. I died three months later. ANBU felt they had reason to suspect my loyalty."

"Did they?" asked Sakura.

Shikamaru just shrugged as a reply.

"We're loyal to the village," said Hinata softly. "While Danzo feels that loyalty to the village is loyalty to him - not everyone shares his opinion."

"Still keeping track of Naruto?" asked Sakura, suspecting that was why Hinata was as quiet as she was.

"Yes," said Hinata, shifting uncomfortably.

"Let her be," advised Shikamaru to Sakura. "She'd loved Naruto for years, and you didn't see her after his death."

"Actually, I did," said Sakura. Naruto might have been the one cut nearly in half, but it was nearly as bad for Hinata. It had been as if something had withered and died in the Hyuuga. She hadn't come out of it until after her father and sister had returned with news that she was engaged to marry. The Caged Bird Seal had been applied and she'd been thrown into courtesan training before any life had even begun to emerge from Hinata.

Sakura eyed the Hyuga in their midst. "So what are you going to do? I forget, are you even the heir at this point?"

"No," said Hinata. "It isn't official though until I join Team 8 under Kurenai-sensei."

"So, tomorrow then," said Sakura. "That's when they choose the teams. I'll end up with Sasuke and Naruto. You'll end up with Shino and Kiba."

"Yeah, I end up with Ino and Choji," said Shikamaru. "I don't have a problem with that. Our abilities work well together. My immobilization techniques assist Ino's possession technique, Choji rolls over the opposition."

"Which means we could try changing things with the team selection process," suggested Sakura. "I could go with Kiba and Shino, while Hinata could end up on Team 7."

Hinata shook her head. "Kurenai-sensei specifically wanted me on her team. She took a personal interest in me early on, and I got the feeling she disapproved of several things my father did over the years."

"So maybe if we got Naruto into Team 8? Shift Kiba to Team 7?" asked Sakura.

"We could just try and reach the Hokage and try to convince him of our situation," said Shikamaru. "The problem is that we don't know who in his offices may be supplying information to Orochimaru or Akatsuki. Just the way the invasion occurred indicated more than a passing familiarity with the village. As the Chuunin Exam invasion indicated - they weren't familiar with the location of the shelters, but they did know something of our defenses and how to get through the wards without being detected."

"We don't know that much about the state of the wards at that time as it WAS a time when we had a large number of visitors anyway," pointed out Sakura.

The discussion went on from there, each of them coming up with a different plan to use. Finally the decision was made.

* * *

"SOMEONE STOLE THE S-RANK FORBIDDEN JUTSU SCROLL!"

"SOMEONE KNOCKED THE HOKAGE OUT!"

"SOMEONE SAW NARUTO SNEAKING OUT OF THE HOKAGE TOWER!"

"Waitaminute, 'Dead last' Naruto?" asked a voice in the assembled crowd of jonin, chuunin, genin, civilians, etcetera. "Someone who flunked the graduation test three times managed to sneak past all the guards, defeat the HOKAGE, and steal a scroll from inside a sealed vault?"

All the members of the angry mob looked at each other, trying to figure out who'd said that, and absolutely not think about how incompetent that made them sound.

"Uhm, I had to go to the bathroom, that must have been when he snuck past," offered one of the chuunin.

"Yeah yeah, that's it," muttered several others.

"So you ALL went to the bathroom at the same time?" chided the same voice.

"Uhm, must have been," muttered most of the people present. Unsurprisingly nobody wanted to take responsibility for not having been able to stop Naruto.

"Gee," said the same anonymous (disguised) voice, "it was a good thing it wasn't an assassin from a foreign village or something. Just Naruto pulling yet another prank."

"It must have been the demon fox!" yelled one chuunin.

"Right," said the anonymous voice. "A giant ninetailed demon fox bent on destruction managed to SNEAK past all of you to pull a prank? How many people died because a creature that delights in violence STOLE a scroll?"

"Err," said the one chuunin. "I got a bruise on my pinky from something..."

Dead silence reigned for a moment before a cricket started to chirp.

"You know," said another chuunin, "this makes us look pretty bloody incompetent, doesn't it?"

There were a few thoughtful nods.

"Just find Naruto, would you?" asked the Hokage, who'd spotted Shikamaru using a henge to impersonate his father and a voice-distortion jutsu. Not that he was going to say anything, as the boy had raised an excellent point.

* * *

"Hmmmm, okay," said Naruto. "That's 'Shadow Clone' down. What else is there?"

* * *

"Where the hell IS that brat?" asked Mizuki, so frustrated he was now talking to himself. "Why are there trails leading everywhere?"

Another flash of orange in the trees turned out to be yet another scrap of cloth hanging from a branch.

Mizuki screamed in frustration and continued searching.

* * *

"Ooooooh!" said Naruto. "Bunshin Daibakuha? I can make EXPLODING shadow clones? Wicked!"

* * *

Hinata placed another piece of orange scrap cloth on another branch, then used her Byakugan to look around again.

Once she was sure she was clear, she went quickly to the next site.

* * *

"Naruto!" called out Iruka, landing next to the genin. Then he spent a couple of moments trying to catch his breath.

"Iruka sensei!" said Naruto happily. "Watch this! I learned THREE techniques from the scroll! Now you've got to let me graduate!"

"Eh?" asked Iruka. "What?"

* * *

Shikamaru went over the rosters. Misdirection and striking when everyone was looking elsewhere was not only a valid ninja tactic, it was less troublesome.

So a henge over a shadow clone and he could be somewhere else while he was here. Back in the Hokage's Tower, altering records.

If it was found, fine. Plan B would have the teams remain the same, which would give Sakura's position on Team 7 a chance to be on hand.

Plan A was rearranging the teams so that Team 8 would be composed of Shino Aburame, Naruto Uzumaki, and Hinata Hyuga.

Shikamaru knew a few things, revealed much later during one of Tsunade's examinations of Naruto after a big fight, and had everyone involved wishing it could have been noticed a lot earlier. Including Naruto. No, make that ESPECIALLY Naruto.

A little known diagnosis of something from one of the tech-kingdoms, the one that provided goods like the radio headsets, had been talked about by a visiting physician. Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. Something that could occur with people whose chakra levels were too high and their bodies not up to handling those amounts. People suffering from it had memory lapses, difficulty concentrating or staying still, tended to be loud and annoying.

When a curative treatment had been applied to Naruto to see what that did, the change in his personality had been startling. Just the increase in his memory and the way he seemed much more observant had been worth it.

The problem was that the treatment required someone medical trained, and it required daily work for several months to do it. Sakura was a medic-nin, so was Hinata to some extent though she'd never trained to that extent with Tsunade. One of the two HAD to be on Naruto's team to address that issue.

Shikamaru worked quickly and then left just as quickly. Plan A or Plan B, either was good. Plan A was simply Plan A because if Hinata spent a lot of time with Naruto, all three of them agreed it was a good thing.

There. Now to get away and establish an alibi or two.

* * *

"Yes, Demon Fox, destroy Konoha!" said Mizuki as Iruka tried to stand.

"YOU'RE WRONG!"

"Eh?" asked Mizuki, Iruka, and Naruto.

"I've watched Naruto for years," said Hinata, stepping out into the forested area where the three had been dialoguing. "He's never cruel. He's never mean. He has a kind heart that never gives up!"

"You've been 'watching me'?" asked Naruto, his hands still ready to make the cross handsign and invoke his shadow clones.

"You've been my inspiration," said Hinata. "When my life was at its darkest and it seemed there was no way out, Naruto, your smile was the light that kept me going."

"Eh?" repeated Naruto.

"Well, I can get some serious money for this scroll, and if I take your eyes, I can get even more," said Mizuki. "I might even make jonin if I take both to one of the other villages."

"That's not going to happen," said Naruto before anything else happened. "Multi-Shadow Clone Jutsu!"

* * *

Sakura was preparing. If Shikamaru was successful Team 7 would be composed of herself, Kiba Inuzuka, and Sasuke Uchiha. If he was not, and Sakura suspected that someone would find the changes before they were announced, she would be there with Naruto and Sasuke for Team 7. The Bell Test would be in two days, followed by several D-Rank Missions, followed by the Wave Country mission, followed by the chuunin exam.

One thing had led to another which led to another. If they changed one thing, everything afterwards might change.

* * *

Sakura exchanged glances with Hinata and Shikamaru, her two accomplices in this timeline revision.

Naruto had the confused look, but when he saw Hinata smile at him and nod her head - he smiled and nodded back. He just went back to confused again.

Iruka Umino came in and found the room unusually quiet. As far as he was concerned it was an overdue improvement. Figured that they'd wait until the day after graduation and before their second test that they'd learn it.

"Sorry I'm a little late. There was a problem with the roster. Okay, the teams are as follows," began Iruka.

Sakura listened, having expected that. Hoped it wouldn't be the case, but that this was the most likely outcome. She, Naruto, and about half the class looked back at Hinata when she let out a disappointed little cry on the announcement of Team 7. Various interpretations went with that, some of which were probably accurate.

Iruka went on, giving off the usual set of graduating genin and their jonin instructors.

"So where is this guy?" asked Naruto as the other genin left with their instructors.

"Kakashi Hatake, also known as the Copy Ninja. High level jonin with over a thousand jutsu he's learned or copied with his Sharingan." Sakura paused at Sasuke's reaction to that. "He had someone on his genin team years ago. I forget the name, but he was an Uchiha and he gave Kakashi his eye when he was dying on a mission."

Sasuke scowled.

"Anyway," continued Sakura. "He has a habit of being late. If it weren't for that Sharingan, he might be known as the Late Kakashi."

"Oh, that could be amusing," said Naruto, deciding it was too good a nickname not to use.

"So, we've most likely got hours before he shows up," said Sakura. "Anyone got any ideas what to do with our time?"

Sasuke scowled and brooded.

Naruto's eyes were more animated as he clearly went over trap possibilities. As before, his eyes settled on an eraser and the sliding door. "Well..."

"No," said Sakura, sitting back, then adjusting her posture because she'd automatically went into a courtesan pose and she didn't have any assets to flaunt at her current age. "You've got time. Come up with something more creative."

"Oh?" asked Naruto.

"Oh, and one thing I want to make clear with both of you," said Sakura. "I don't date team-mates. No dating, no relationships. I've read some of the accounts and that's just a way to screw things up. So, Naruto - don't ask. And Sasuke, I won't ask you. If we make chunin maybe then."

Sasuke momentarily brightened, but then got thoughtful and brooding again.

Naruto spluttered a few times.

"Besides, Naruto, there's a girl already interested in you," said Sakura.

"Really? Who?" asked Naruto.

Sakura raised an eyebrow at him. "After yesterday, you need to ask?"

Sasuke snorted.

"Oh come on," said Naruto. "Can you give me a hint?"

Sasuke looked at Naruto for a moment. "Moron."

"Naruto, you've had most of the village hating you all your life," said Sakura, shaking her head. Had he really been this obstinate and clueless back then? "Don't tell me you haven't noticed the one girl who figured out your secret and likes you anyway."

"You mean, when she stood up to Mizuki and said..." If Naruto's eyes got any wider, he'd be in danger of having them pop out of their sockets. "Hinata?"

"The light dawns," muttered Sasuke.

"But she... " said Naruto, looking confused and not really understanding.

"Yes, she's a Hyuga. Yes, she's got a kekkei genkai," said Sakura, who spotted the upgrading of confusion and explained further. "She has a bloodline ability. She can see through walls and see behind her and see things farther away than you can. Those white eyes, understand?"

"Oh," said Naruto.

"Yes, she's relatively wealthy," continued Sakura. "Yes, her father is a royal pain who has a freaking permanent rod up his butt and has never said an encouraging word to her in her life. She lost her mother years ago too, and has a good chance of being branded with the Caged Bird Seal and shipped off to their branch family - possibly ending up as a kitchen drudge or something as I don't think they'd bother keeping her as a ninja at this point."

"Uhm," said Naruto, feeling a little nervous as the heat built up in Sakura's voice.

"Yes, she's practically the only girl in the entire village that likes you as a girl likes a boy," said Sakura. "Now, are you going to continue ignoring her and choose to be alone for your entire life, or are you going to start paying attention to her?"

"But, Sakura, I mean, I like-" began Naruto.

"If you say you like me, or do anything like that," interrupted Sakura. "I'm going to belt you so hard that Hinata's going to have to spoon feed you soup because you won't be able to chew ramen."

Naruto's mouth shut with a click. Sasuke made an amused sound.

"Naruto, you're not the brightest kid in class, but you're not a complete moron," said Sakura, throwing up her hands and looking heavenward. "As soon as we pass the second genin test, we'll be ninjas and in life-or-death situations. If the village gets invaded, genin or not, WE will have to protect the village and WE may lose our lives at any given time. I'll help you but you can't afford to be an idiot any more."

"'Second genin test'?" asked Sasuke.

"Yeah, I've heard about it," covered Sakura, realizing she'd slipped up. "There's the Academy tests, and then the jonin-sensei comes up with another test to spring on us. I think they're looking for teamwork or something like that. Individual tests to get out of the Academy, and then to work with a team in order to get accepted for your team."

"First I heard about it," grumped Sasuke.

"Uhm, hello, Sasuke? Ninjas? We're supposed to be sneaky and clever. Misdirection, illusion, and cheating when you can get away with it. That's first year stuff," pointed out Sakura, who found herself wishing that someone had pointed that out to HER the first time around.

"So, if you're right," said Sasuke. "We ought to work out a plan since our sensei has so thoughtfully decided not to show up until later."

"Maybe we can prank our sensei while we're at it," mused Sakura aloud. "Just to practice the whole 'sneaky and clever' ninja skills of course."

Naruto grinned widely at that. "Now you're talking."

* * *

Naruto had no idea where Sakura had gotten the book. Other than a large bookbag. That was his family name though - and it was on something called 'sealing techniques' - which sounded fascinating.

Meanwhile Sakura had gotten Sasuke involved, pointing out that knowing a few things about making traps was useful in their line of work, and a work of art was prepared for their sensei.

Sure enough, their sensei opened the door, stepped in, and was promptly hit with seven erasers and a fried bologna sandwich they'd found in a locker. Oh, and a strawberry pie with whipped cream that had managed to hit dead on his face.

"Okay, my first impression of you guys," said Kakashi. "Is that you've got way too much time on your hands. Also strawberries and whipped cream."

"And whose fault is that?" asked Sakura.

"We'll meet on the roof, as there seems to be a lot of chalk dust in here right now," said Kakashi. "After you clean this up."

* * *

"Okay," said Kakashi Hatake. "Maybe we should start with introductions."

"You're Kakashi Hatake, son of the White Fang, the copy nin, one Sharingan eye, master of a thousand jutsu, whom three of the female ANBU members have rated as 'they'll do anything to see under your mask' and totally hot."

"Really?" asked Kakashi, distracted now as he tried to figure out which ANBU.

"Your favorite reading material is Icha Icha," continued Sakura. "Written by someone who has a connection to Naruto's family, but that's all classified as secret and a genin like myself can't get access to such things."

"So if I can make chunin, I could find out?" asked Naruto.

"That is a long way away," said Sakura. "There are many skills we have to master before we even apply for the chunin exams."

"Oh," said Naruto.

"I'm Sakura Haruno," said Sakura, standing up and doing a two-finger salute towards Kakashi. "One of the top academics from the Academy, studying to be a medic-nin and information specialist."

"That... actually explains a few things," said Kakashi, inclining his head.

"Sasuke Uchiha. I have no goals or dreams. Rather I have a purpose. To kill a certain someone."

"You need to work on that," advised Sakura. "You need to kill someone - to crush them utterly and painfully. To make them cry and plead for death before you finally show them the mercy of a cold kunai. Something like that. Ninja have to do things with a certain style, after all."

"Oh," said Sasuke, cocking his head. "Point."

"Then again, I'd expect you discover all sorts of secrets and hidden agendas involved - as this IS about ninjas," said Sakura. "You have to find the truth under the lies, the secrets in the shadows."

Sasuke frowned and considered that.

"You might even say 'look underneath the underneath'," supplied Kakashi.

"I'm Naruto Uzumaki! My dream is to become Hokage," said Naruto.

"...and date Hinata-chan," added Sakura.

"Uhm, maybe, I guess," said Naruto. "Why are you so set on that anyway?"

"One," said Sakura, holding up one finger. "She's a nice girl. If you get her past the shyness - she'll develop into a stronger kunoichi with resources that can really help you out on the way. Two. You'd make a cute couple. She's quiet and shy, you're loud and confident. If you two develop a relationship - both of you will benefit. Three. You annoy me when you're trying to date me. If you and Hinata get together - I get less annoyance. Do you want me to continue?"

"Uhm, no," said Naruto. "That's okay."

"I'll go one more. Four. If I hear you're snubbing a girl who loves you because you're a stubborn idiot who can't simply drop chasing me after I've told you repeatedly I'm not interested - you will be volunteering for my medical studies," said Sakura.

"Oh?" asked Naruto hopefully.

"Which means that I will break every bone in your body repeatedly so that I can try to put them back together again and get practice with that."

"Oh," said Naruto.

"Do you understand what it is I am saying to you?" asked Sakura sweetly.

"Yes, ma'am!" responded Naruto.

"Good," said Sakura.

"Maybe he could date Ino?" asked Sasuke, enjoying this enormously. "I could use a few less fangirls after me."

"If Hinata rejects him for some reason, that would be a fine possibility," said Sakura agreeably.

* * *

Three of them had returned to the past.

Shikamaru Nara walked in the shadows, the only one suspecting him at all was Choji - and he'd explain something of it later to Choji. The two of them were best friends and trusted each other completely. Not the full story, of course. But a few details, and then Choji would help cover for any slips that were made.

Hinata Hyuga was not so lucky as to be able to conceal the changes in her. Her family was used to her acting a certain way, and changes from that brought suspicions. She tried to act the way she had, way back then. It was so long ago, and so much had changed.

Hinata knew that she could only avoid her family for so long.

She was also quite aware of Kurenai Yuhi's scrutiny. Kurenai had known her for years. Kurenai had been a chunin who had watched the child at the Academy where clan guardians were at least frowned at. (Mostly this was because if clan retainers and guardians attended the Academy - ALL the clans would do it and things would get very crowded and out of hand.)

Sakura could avoid her parents easily enough. Some things were obviously changed, but as her parents were NOT ninja, she had the easiest time handwaving off any changes.

* * *

"Uhm, Kakashi-sensei isn't here?" asked Naruto, arriving late himself.

"Pfeh," said Sasuke.

"What was that? You wanna-" Naruto was quick to bristle.

"Knock it off, Naruto!" said Sakura. "You want respect? You'll have to earn it. Showing up LATE is not going to get you that respect."

"But I was up late and I..." Naruto's voice trailed off.

"Excuses are just a way of shifting blame. Don't want scolded? Don't be late!" Sakura nodded as she caught Naruto's reaction. He was taking her seriously, for now at least. Good. The earlier he got over some of his bad habits, the better. "Now, how far have you gotten on the fuuinjutsu?"

"Uhm," said Naruto, looking around.

"Like I said yesterday," said Sakura, flicking in and out a peculiar sort of knife absently, "Kakashi-sensei is chronically late. He's got issues, but then so do just about any jonin level ninja."

"Well, I got to this stuff here about the elemental chakra," said Naruto. "I'm not sure I get it though."

"Oh, I can explain that," said Sakura. "Let me show you."

* * *

Kakashi explained the purpose of the bell test, not the hidden one - though he had an idea that Sakura had already figured it out.

The three were acting atypical of what he'd suspected.

Sakura, far from being an obsessed fangirl with a hair-trigger temper, was showing signs of a confident kunoichi with a major flair for information gathering.

Naruto was less loud and more confused than Kakashi had expected. It was as if he had been thrown off balance by Sakura and was being kept off that balance enough that his confidence had gotten a bit more cautious. Which was a good thing for a ninja actually.

Sasuke was also showing signs of having things go in unexpected directions, though he was more subtle about it. Still brooding, hanging off to the side, but every so often would look at Sakura as if trying to figure out where the annoying fangirl had gone and put some actually useful individual in her place. Probably not used to being ignored as much as he was.

"Go after you with killing intent, otherwise we don't stand a chance," said Sakura after Kakashi had finished. "Okay, got it. You two got it?"

"Yep," said Naruto, grinning confidently.

"Hnn," said Sasuke, apparently agreeing.

"So, since you ARE a jonin, and you ARE Kakashi Hatake," said Sakura, "the infamous 1000-jutsu copy ninja who has never taken a genin team - we have to work together and go all out."

Kakashi shrugged, deciding that his initial assessment based on school records was all wrong. Sakura was the one he had to watch out for.

"Okay," said Naruto, darting forward.

Kakashi casually disarmed Naruto and forced him to the ground. "I didn't say to start yet."

He was keeping an eye on Sakura, so he didn't miss the smirk that flitted across her face. That was worrisome right there.

"Begin," said Kakashi, leaping away to give himself a little room.

All three leapt away, heading in different directions. Which looked entirely too rehearsed to be just a reaction. Sakura's information gathering again, no doubt.

Then he heard Naruto's voice saying something and that was followed by two dozen Naruto leaping out of the bushes and charging him. A throw of kunai and-

BOOM!

Kakashi's visible eye went wide and he quickly pushed his headband off his Sharingan eye. With an active Sharingan he quickly confirmed that he wasn't facing simple bunshin. Nor was he facing kage bunshin. No, he was facing Bunshin Daibakuha. EXPLOSIVE shadow clones.

Kakashi leapt, dodged, threw kunai, and otherwise exerted himself a lot more than he thought he would have to. Fortunately, this was-

With a battlecry, two dozen MORE explosive shadow clones charged out of the brush.

Landing out on the water, Kakashi began racing through hand-seals. An area effect attack at range seemed the best approach.

* * *

"Crap," said Sakura as a plan fell apart. "As long as he's using the waterwalking technique, we're going to have trouble sneaking up on him."

"I could go under and approach him from there," suggested Sasuke.

"He'd sense the pressure waves from below," said Sakura. "I think Plan B is going to have to be used."

"I'll let Naruto know, but I don't see how having him fake an epileptic fit while doing a partial henge to a furry is going to throw this guy offguard," said Sasuke.

* * *

Kakashi had finally figured out where the real Naruto was hiding, and had used a rapid movement technique to come up behind him and throw a genjutsu on him. "Genjutsu. One of the three techniques..."

Naruto screamed like a lost soul and started twitching and rolling around on the ground.

"Okay, that's different," said Kakashi.

Fox ears and a fox tail popped out on Naruto. Fur began spreading over Naruto's body.

"WHAT?" said Kakashi, leaping back and uncovering his Sharingan again. Waitaminute, that was a henge.

Kunai with wires shot past him on all sides, coming from two different directions so as to cover different angles.

Then Sasuke was in front of Kakashi, going through hand seals quickly. "Katon: Gōkakyū no Jutsu!"

Another substitution and he was out of the trap, but he hadn't even had a chance to get his book out yet.

* * *

Kakashi looked over the three. Naruto was still trapped in a simple genjutsu, NOT the Hell Viewing Technique. Against Sakura or Sasuke, sure. Against Naruto unless he was DAMN sure the prisoner would stay a prisoner - not so much.

There was taking risks, and there was taking foolish risks.

"Lesson two: Taijutsu," said Kakashi, twisting out of the range of Sasuke's taijutsu and quite aware that Sakura was holding kunai with explosive notes tied to the rings of said kunai. He then proceeded to whomp Sasuke's butt by grabbing the arm extended in a punch. "Boot to da head."

The jonin instructor then moved out of the way of the path of the kunai, frowning under his mask when the expected explosions did not occur.

Kakashi turned to Sakura, who held her hands up in a horse seal. Then she wavered like mist and was gone.

"Oh hoh," said Kakashi. So she knew a bit of genjutsu? Well, that was easily dealt with. "Kai!"

Sakura was kneeling next to Naruto. "Kai!"

"Lesson three: Ninjutsu," instructed Kakashi, tossing a smoke bomb down. "Doton: Moguragakure no Jutsu."

Now to see what these little genin came up with. So far, they had actually been impressive for snot-nosed brats straight out of the Academy.

* * *

"He's kicking our butts," said Naruto.

"I told you he could, but we've made him flee underground," said Sakura. "No doubt he's planning his next move. If it was me, I'd do a replacement to get out of the ground and attack from a different direction. Kakashi though - I'd expect him to use an attack from below in order to drag his next target underground."

Sasuke made a grunt that sounded like agreement.

Sakura looked around at the ground, looking for the traces that would indicate an exact location. "Since he attacked Sasuke with taijutsu, Naruto with genjutsu, I'd expect him to come after me next with ninjutsu."

"So, Plan A was a bust, Plan B failed," said Sasuke. "Got a Plan C?"

Sakura grimaced. She was very limited in what she could do at this time. Not only was she trying to keep her time travel secret, but her chakra reserves weren't up to where they needed to be to pull off anything impressive. She couldn't even use Tsunade's strength technique without better control than she had at present. "Well, we can tryyyyyyyyyyyyyyaiiiiiiiiii!"

Sasuke looked down at the hole that had resulted from Sakura being pulled underground.

"Maybe her plans haven't been working out, but she's been predicting the way things have been going pretty good," pointed out Naruto.

"Like that's doing any good," said Sasuke, leaping up into a tree to give himself a better field of vision and also remove him from a similar underground attack.

"Actually," said Naruto, "there IS one thing I can try. Shadow Clone Jutsu!" That way Kakashi-sensei might attack one of the clones instead of him.

* * *

Sakura had a moment of panic when bad memories of similar events threatened to overwhelm her. In her panic, she used one of the higher level jutsu she knew.

She immediately passed out from chakra exhaustion as the jutsu went off.

Kakashi still had a hold of her unconscious form when he broke out of the ground, then proceeded to tend to his own wounds.

"Earth Spikes, eh?" said Kakashi eventually to the completely limp Sakura. Had she not known about the chakra cost somehow, or had she panicked? Considering the way she'd acted when he had pulled her under, Kakashi considered the latter most likely. Claustrophobic or scotophobic? Maybe, in which case it was something to keep in mind and to try to work on with her. The whole thing about phobias was that it was an unreasoning fear after all, one that caused the panic to overwhelm rational response. Which pretty much seemed to sum up her reaction.

Kakashi paused as he realized he'd already considered this team as having passed.

Meh, he'd better go inform the other two so they could get Sakura medical help.

* * *

Naruto didn't think Sakura would mind if he waited by her bedside for her to wake up. This fuuinjutsu stuff needed to be studied anyway. Just the implications for making different explosive tags was interesting. The problem was that he didn't know what his chakra elemental affinity was - or even if he had one. Maybe Sakura would turn out to know a way of figuring that out when she woke up.

* * *

**_AUTHOR'S NOTES:_**

Just another idea that came to me after reading some of the other time travel fics and thinking about what hadn't been done.


	6. Chapter 6: Strongarm Tactics

Another Fistful Of Omake: Strong

a possibility raised by Greylle

This one was dropped because it was pointed out there were similarities to another story called "Oops."  
.net/s/4595834/1/Oops

* * *

"If you're gonna toss me back into my past, I want a blood limit," said future-deceased Naruto.

"A blood limit?" asked Toltiir, changing the venue a bit. Which was Starbase #9, about the time of the fall of the Romulan Empire.

"Wha?! Where?" asked Naruto, pretty much out of his element.

"Tea, Earl Grey, cold!" said Toltiir, wondering if anyone ever figured out who kept setting all the tea-servers on the Enterprise to only produce Earl Grey tea with ice. That 'Q' person might.

"What? Cold tea?" asked Naruto, making a face after seeing the beverages appear out of nowhere.

"Oh very well," said the cat of chaos, making an adjustment to the holographic menu.

"Okay," said Naruto as his cold cup of black tea became a hot cup of green tea. "Well, uhm."

"Let's see," said the cat, paw-waving a holographic display that showed Naruto at three different ages.

"AHHH! Why have you got nude pictures of me?!" asked Naruto, looking wildly around at the crowds that were apparently still ignoring them.

"These are just representations of you, like a bunshin image," explained Toltiir. "That way I can show you what changes would be brought about by having a particular blood limit. Ages eight, twelve, and seventeen."

"But, I mean," stammered Naruto.

"Okay, let's see," mused Toltiir. "I've already done the change-into-beasts-with-all-their-abilities thing. Same with the teleporting. What else should I try?"

"You mean you can do it?" asked Naruto.

"Easy peezy lemon squeezie," replied the cat. "I could have you adopted into an established clan by order of the Third Hokage the day after your birth. How'd you like to be a Hyuga or an Inuzuka?"

"Err, no thanks, having Kiba as a brother would be kind of creepy," said Naruto. "And his mother is REAL scary."

"How about a Haruno? Would it make things go easier if you were Sakura's brother?" asked Toltiir.

"Nah, I think she'd just pound me more," said Naruto. "If I had a blood limit though, I might be able to manage better this time around."

"Rinnegan? No, too obvious," said Toltiir. "Oh, how about the 'Akira Inugami' special?"

"Oh, I like the bigger and tougher look," said Naruto as he looked over the various stages.

"And this is with the 'blood limit' active," said Toltiir.

Naruto stared. "Okay. Maybe not that."

"The Inuzuka family would love it," pointed out Toltiir.

"Yeah, I'm sure, I'm just not so sure anyone else wouldn't run screaming for the horizon," pointed out Naruto.

"Perhaps," said the kitty, acknowledging the point with a flick of his ears. "Well, there's always Haku's icy bloodline."

"That could be cool," admitted Naruto.

"Two points," said the cat with a nod of his head.

"Thank you," said Naruto by reply.

"Maybe uprated regenerative capabilities," said Toltiir, reverting the images before changing them again. "Being able to heal from almost any injury within minutes would be VERY useful in your line of work."

"Yeah, but I dunno," said Naruto. "The fox in me already gives me some healing talents."

"Not like this," said Toltiir. "But okay. What do you think, Foxy?"

"**Don't call me that,**" growled the Ninetails, the voice issuing from somewhere around Naruto's belly.

"Oh bother, I preferred it when you were a cultured British-sounding fox wearing a topcoat and monocle," grumped Toltiir. "Much classier."

The Kyuubi growled, but then came up with a suggestion. "**Taller.**"

"Eh?" asked Naruto.

"**Simple enough, whelp. You get taller eventually, but you go off playing 'tank' and charging into battles. A tank needs more mass and height. Uprated strength and speed would be good. And would it be too much to ask if you learned a decent style of taijutsu?**"

"HEY! I'm pretty good at taijutsu!" said Naruto.

"**Pfeh. Compared to that ninjutsu-less boy? Compared to the Hyuga family? Compared to whom exactly? Oh, you're better than you were, but you're hardly a taijutsu specialist.**"

"Well-" admitted Naruto.

"**If I've got to be stuck inside some whelp, is it too much to ask that you be Hell On Two Feet in the battlefield? Is that really too much to ask?**"

"Even a Ninetailed Demon Fox has pride," pointed out Toltiir to Naruto.

After a few minutes of back and forth, a compromise was reached.

* * *

The cat brought up a display. "Here's the changepoint. You remember the mission to Wave Country, right?"

"Building bridges, right," said Naruto.

"Major changes are here and here," said Toltiir, bringing images up in holographic displays. "Zabuza severing your spinal cord is only a slight change in technique."

"**Leaving the boy paralyzed for life is NOT exactly a positive change,**" pointed out the Kyubi.

"Which is where this change comes into place," said Toltiir. "This one is further back and affects both of you. Naruto's intelligence is only increased by about twenty points but as the Kyubi shares your intelligence you both benefit."

"**So?**" asked the Kyubi.

"So, rather than be stuck in a paralyzed host, you get Naruto to link his senses directly to you," said Toltiir. "In return for which, you rebuild his body. Taller, stronger, faster, quicker healing and recovery rates. Wee little problem with muscle control at first since you ARE considerably stronger and tougher, with a higher tissue density. All of which are genetically tracked, making you the proud originator of a bloodline."

"Taller?" asked Naruto, perking up.

"Yes," said Toltiir.

"**If it's less boring and less of a sewer, that suits me as well,**" admitted the Kyubi.

"What's the downside?" asked Naruto, showing a surprising amount of insight.

"At least at first, controlling your uprated strength and reflexes," said Toltiir. "I AM a god of mischief after all. Having comedic moments is a requirement. Of course, with your strength uprated all the supporting tissue and bones have to be toughened up by a considerable margin. So you'll weigh more too, though there are ways of decreasing the overall weight without sacrificing strength."

"Oh," said Naruto, not immediately seeing how being stronger would be funny.

"Increasing your sensory capabilities and intelligence a bit more at that time also fits, and benefits things," decided Toltiir. "I'm still trying to decide whether an Aura Of Cool or Aura Of Sex Appeal would be funnier in the long run."

* * *

The Third Hokage nodded as the team filed in.

"Team 8 reporting as ordered," said Yuhi Kurenai.

"This is a request," said the Third Hokage. "Team 7 has run into difficulties. What appeared to be a C-class escort mission has become an A-rank. One of his team has been gravely injured and cannot be moved."

"Kakashi's team?" asked the genjutsu jonin. "Which one is injured?"

"Naruto Uzumaki," said the Third Hokage.

Hinata gasped and staggered, pale eyes wide. "Na-naruto-kun?"

"Apparently the bandits turned out to have C-class and A-class missing-nin among them," said Hiruzen Sarutobi as he continued, though he did spare a glance at the Hyuga girl. Someone else cared for Minato's child? Good.

The door burst open. "Hokage-sama! Another message from Kakashi Hatake!"

The Third Hokage looked over the message, blinked, then grew more puzzled. "I don't understand this."

"What does it say?" asked Kurenai.

"You'll still have to go, if nothing else just to find out what Kakashi means," said the Third. "According to this, Naruto died but is now doing a little better."

"How can you die but then get better?" summed up Kiba.

"We'll have to find out when we get there," said Kurenai. "Prepare for a long journey to Wave Country. We'll leave within the hour."

* * *

_CRACK! POP!_ went something in Naruto's torso

"That is SO concerning," said Sakura as she watched the boy on the blanket twitch.

Sasuke merely made a noncommital noise, but he was actually kind of disgusted himself.

The stupid dobe had leapt between that blade and him. Then the wound had begun to hiss and the skin dissolve nearby.

An acidic jutsu that enhanced the power of a sword cut by eating away the flesh around a wound.

_gurgle krunk_ went something in Naruto's midsection.

There had been an awful lot of blood, but it had been the panicked look in Naruto's eyes as his body had flopped to the ground that had struck Sasuke the most.

"He's glowing," noted Sasuke. "Blue chakra. Red chakra. Yellow chakra. Green chakra."

"What turns chakra colors like that?" asked Sakura.

_SNAP! CRIK!_ went something in one shoulder. Followed a moment later by the same noise in the other shoulder.

"That's painful just hearing it," noted Sakura, literally feeling as if she was going to throw up at the very next sound.

"You two," said Kakashi at the doorway. "Come along. I have some training for you to practice while I recover from my Sharingan use."

"We can leave him like this?" asked Sasuke, nodding his head towards the twitching mess that had once been a team-mate.

_SNAP! gurkle. CRUNK!_ went something around the region of Naruto's hips.

"Whatever is going on with him is beyond what we can do, except to try and keep him safe," said Kakashi. "In the meantime, whoever hired Zabuza is still out there."

Sakura spared a glance back, feeling the urge again to just plunge a kunai into her fallen team member rather than have him continue to suffer. Then she followed the others away from Naruto before she lost her lunch or nerve.

* * *

"We'll have to move fast," said Yuhi Kurenai. "Now, remember - if a Missing Nin shows up -"

"You'll leave me to deal with them," said a familiar voice.

"Maito Gai?" asked Yuhi, frowning.

"I heard my rival was injured and in over his head," said Gai. "My team has to finish their current mission, but it's a D-Rank."

"I see," said Yuhi, nodding. "Good to have you along if there are powerful missing nin there, I was a little concerned for my team."

Gai-sensei gave a thumb's up. "This also gives my team the chance to work without my supervision, giving them more confidence in their own abilities and a further chance for teamwork training."

"It's a pity we don't have anyone with medical training," said Yuhi, walking towards the gate with her genin trailing behind her.

Hinata cocked her head at hearing that. Of the people on her own team, she thought she was the most suited for the role. Maybe she should look into that.

"Yes," said Maito Gai. "The fires of youth must be tended carefully till they can be a roaring bonfire of strength."

"Please knock off the 'fires of youth' speeches while we work together," asked Yuhi. "I don't want my team to pick up any such habits."

* * *

Naruto groaned and his clothes started ripping.

He was taller, broader, more massive. His clothes remained the same size. Something had to give.

If anyone had still been looking, they would have seen bursts of foxfire along his skin.

* * *

**Hey, whelp. Don't move around so much.**

_What? Oh man I hurt._

**That's why. Fascinating stuff going on here though.**

_How so?_

**Let me just say that in the future, if a god of mischief offers to give you a makeover - just say NO.**

_I'm not turning into a girl with long black hair am I? I keep getting this image of her._

**No, that's Hinata as she'll look at 16. That image was from when she tried to protect you from that Akatsuki member.**

_The who from the what?_

**Look, your memories got a bit scrambled. Understandable as they were downloaded into your brain, and then the neural network was overhauled and restructured. Your functional IQ went up. I think about sixty points. Problem is that your memories are a little messed up in the process.**

_Is that why all my memories seem all jumbled up?_

**That's what I just said. Yes, whelp.**

_Oh. So what else is happening?_

**Your physical strength and durability have increased by at least fifty fold. Your speed has been increased by roughly twenty times. Eyesight, hearing, sense of smell, all made much more acute. Your healing rate from injury is such that you practically regenerate. Broken bones will normally heal over the period of a few hours. Very resistant to poisons and disease, and once exposed to something you'll have a much stronger resistance in the future. You have a bloodline with all of this written in to varying degrees. Nice work, for a god of mischief especially.**

_Does it have to hurt so much?_

**Actually, yeah. I'd think so. At least most of the pain is being held off by me for the moment, just because all that screaming was getting annoying.**

_Gee. Sorry I was disturbing you._

**Sarcasm. There may be hope for you yet. Oh, that's interesting. If you mate with someone, you can infect them with a lesser variant that will last at least through the pregnancy. Good thing, otherwise that bloodline wouldn't survive another generation. That could have been messy.**

_Do I want to know?_

**If you ever father a child, the baby won't kill the mother when it kicks. Hmmm. Psychic pheromones? Kinky.**

* * *

"Slow down, Hinata!"

The dark-haired teenager forced herself to slow down.

They'd entered the room, Kiba's attempts to get Shino to react to a joke falling off as the air of seriousness from the guards and the Hokage registered.

Kurenai-sensei had reported in, and she'd shuffled into her usual position. Behind the sensei, between Kiba and Shino.

Then the word that Team 7 had run into problems on their mission. Upgraded to A-Rank? She'd been aware of Kiba stiffening and looking towards her.

She should have remained quiet, but hearing that Naruto was so badly injured he couldn't move, had caused her heart to clench and a dizzy feeling to sweep over her.

They hadn't seen each other since the Academy, and now he was lying injured somewhere?

Them another messenger had burst through the door, and such was the tension in the room that she'd noted the buzzing from Shino and a low growl from Kiba in response.

Naruto-kun had DIED?! Except he'd gotten better? How? What? Why?

She was aware of knowing smirks and muttered comments from Kiba to Shino, with the stoic bug-user nodding his head slightly in response.

Those were minor concerns though. Naruto-kun was HURT! She'd packed as many medicinal supplies as she could quickly lay hands on, but none of them would do any good if she didn't get there fast.

Kurenai put a hand on her shoulder. "Don't get so anxious. It won't do yourself or him any good if you're exhausted when you get there."

Hinata nodded, but her attempts to relax just didn't seem to work.

* * *

The sounds had been just too much for her. She had seriously considered just taking a kunai, going up to the comatose Naruto, and ending his misery. Not just once but several times.

She really SHOULD go check on him. Sasuke was worried too. Well, she was pretty sure Sasuke was worried too. Reasonably sure. Would you believe a definite maybe?

She'd done the tree-walking exercise quickly and easily, brightening at the mention of her superior chakra control. Not so happy when Sasuke took exception to his performance being less good than her own.

Sakura reflected that sometimes she just couldn't win for losing.

This led quickly to Sasuke practicing tree-climbing while she learned a basic genjutsu dispelling, then the basics of water-walking. While she practiced, Kakashi-sensei had to go lie down and try to recover from the strain of his Sharingan use.

The fight against Zabuza had not been good. Not only had Naruto taken an attack for Sasuke, but the way the blade had hissed and Naruto's skin had MELTED were images that Sakura felt would stay with her for awhile. If Naruto HADN'T gotten in the way, Sasuke would have caught the attack in the face.

It had been an attack without warning, even though the Demon Brothers attack had given them an indication of potential problems with this mission.

Now they were down one member of their team, and Sakura didn't hold any hope for Naruto surviving much less returning to active duty.

* * *

There was, as they'd been told, a single boy outside the house.

Three of them had long-knives, one had an axe. Strike hard, strike fast, strike those who'd been injured in the previous attack and finish them off.

Then they'd get the bonuses that Zabuza would have been paid for stopping enemy ninja.

"Why are his clothes all ripped up?" muttered Axe.

"Why is he glowing?" asked Knife1.

"Who cares?" said Knife2, raising his blade up and plunging it down.

* * *

The knife plunged down.

Naruto remained asleep.

Something nonetheless happened, as Naruto's hand snapped out and grabbed the hand holding that knife while it was still six inches from his chest.

Then Naruto closed that hand. Bones that were not Naruto's made very disturbing noises.

The thugs were well aware that their target was still asleep. That his eyes were still closed. That he was standing up.

They were aware of his eyes opening. Red slitted eyes.

Then they were aware of pain.

* * *

"Did you hear that?" asked Sakura.

"It's just Naruto screaming again," said Sasuke tiredly. "I thought he'd stopped that at least."

"It's stopped now," pointed out Sakura. "It didn't sound quite the same."

"Hmph, concentrate on the exercises," said Sasuke. "We can actually do something about the training."

"Right," said Sakura, concentrating on this meant not having to check on Naruto with bones and tendons shifting around under the skin. Yes, much better to be helping Sasuke improve his skills.

* * *

Kakashi, despite hobbling along at a snail's pace, was actually the first to check on Naruto. He did so in the morning, when the pain from his depleted chakra was at a low ebb.

The scene which greeted his eyes was a little concerning.

There had been apparently four or five attackers. The exact number being a little uncertain as there were body parts missing. Most of the pieces remaining were, in a most concerning part of this scene, neatly stacked up. There were only four heads though, so that was probably the accurate count.

Weapons were another neat pile. A small pile of senbon, three long-knives, a large axe, two belt-knives, one of those six-tools-combo things, a strangle-wire, and a spork.

He really wasn't sure why the spork was on top of the weapons. File that under 'possibly concerning as well' for now.

Oh, and one of the knives looked as if it had been crumpled up and then straightened. Stress lines in the metal.

The blood was a trifle concerning too. As there wasn't nearly enough of it. This was even more concerning than if there had been too much of it.

_POP!_ went something inside Naruto, causing a number of twitches.

Kakashi considered all the possibilities of this scene and slowly backed away. He hoped someone would be dispatched from Konoha soon who could look this all over and tell him what was going on. He was not at all used to not knowing what was going on.

* * *

Hinata kept from activating the Byakugan, remembering Kurenai-sensei's warning. If she kept turning it on, she'd deplete her chakra.

"I know, Akamaru," said Kiba nearby. "We got to use a boat though. No other way to do it."

* * *

Sakura crept up the trail, kunai held ready.

She'd heard the occasional piteous scream. She'd seen the bones and muscles moving around under his skin. She'd had freaking nightmares about it ALL BLOODY DAMN NIGHT!

Really, she was doing it for his own good. Whatever was going on was obviously not good, and she'd seen that injury. There was no way Naruto would ever be a ninja again, much less do anything about that ridiculous dream of being a Hokage.

All it would take is one jab. One jab with the kunai and her team-mate wouldn't be suffering any longer.

Cresting the hill, she saw the little pile of heads.

"AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Sakura shut her mouth. She was a ninja of the Leaf, not a little twelve year old girl. Well, technically, she WAS a little twelve year old girl who WAS also a ninja of the Leaf Village. Ninjas of the Leaf Village didn't scream like little girls, right? Right!

Realizing she'd also ran halfway back down the trail, Sakura turned around and began creeping back up. Up the trail, past the creepy creepy severed head pile, past the little pile of weapons, stopping to stare at the spork on top of the weapons pile.

_Why a spork?!_ asked Inner Sakura, not really expecting an answer.

Creep past the weapons pile, past the bloodstains-

_whishhhhhhhhhhhhhh_

-turn around and notice the heads were now missing?

"AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"_ ZOOM!_

Shaking, clutching the kunai with BOTH hands, Sakura got control over herself and slowly made her way through the brush to the trail, and then back up the trail.

_Kyaaaaa!_ said Inner Sakura, looking in every possible direction. _This is like that movie we watched that one time!_

"Which movie?" mumbled Sakura as she got back up the trail, then noticed the bloodstains were missing too. Just patches of bare ground. "EEP!"

_That slumber party with Ino and the other girls when we were eight,_ Inner Sakura said. _'Final Mission IV: The Hills Have Mouths' - the one where the hill turned out be a cursed cemetary where things didn't STAY DEAD!_

"That was just a movie," said Sakura aloud, shaking now. Forcing herself to move forward and not think about movies where people who died came alive and went around trying to feast on young kunoichi. "Ha. Ha. Ha."

_At any moment now, Naruto is going to get up, but it won't be NARUTO!_ said the panicked Inner Sakura, digging a foxhole in Sakura's subconscious.

"No," said Sakura, stopping before Naruto and raising the kunai up. "I'm going to kill Naruto to spare him."

"You're going to do what?"

"I'm sorry, Naruto," said Sakura, closing her eyes. "This is for your own good. DIE!"

Someone's hand stopped the kunai from moving down. Sakura blinked her eyes open.

A red-eyed kunoichi had a look of disbelief on her face, and Sakura couldn't help but notice that there were several other Leaf shinobi behind the kunoichi. With smudges of dirt on them, leaves in their hair. Like maybe they had just crawled out of a grave?

"!" exclaimed Sakura. "ZOMBIES!" _ZOOM!_

"Huh?" asked Kiba as the girl ran away. "Wasn't that Sakura from the Academy?"

Shino raised an eyebrow as if auditioning for the role of Mister Spock.

Hinata tried to figure out what was going on.

"Is Kakashi around?" asked the jonin kunoichi. "I REALLY want to find out what's going on."

"I'm sure that was that Haruno girl," said Kiba, "big forehead and pink hair. When did she go nuts and start murdering team mates?"

"Well, as I recall, she always WAS rather focussed on the Uchiha heir," rationalized Shino. "Perhaps this is just an outgrowth of that insanity."

"Save the guesses for later," said Kurenai. "Hinata, you stay with Naruto. Use your Byakugan to check his condition. In the meantime we'll get answers from Kakashi about what's been going on here."

* * *

Horse, Tiger, Boar, Hare, Rat, Dog, Horse, Dog, Hare, Tiger, Rat, Boar, Dog, Snake. "Byakugan!"

She'd had some medical training as well as herbalism, though largely self-taught. She made her own medical balm, which helped her with bruises and such she'd suffered from after particularly harsh training sessions in the family style.

She looked over his chakra network first, then layered in various other information. One of the reasons that the Byakugan required such amounts of time training and perfecting was in that ability to see through things and determining what layers to see through.

Naruto was different. He was twelve centimeters taller than previously, and his overall mass had increased. However his chakra reservoirs and body fat were dangerously low. Some small degree of body fat was necessary for health, but Naruto's looked as if it had been burned completely out.

Naruto's stomach gurgling and growling got her attention to that as well.

Hinata frowned as Naruto had apparently been abandoned by his team while he ran a fever or was sick. Well, she wouldn't do that!

Never mind that she was alone with a helpless Naruto-kun. Never mind that his clothes had rips all over them that showed skin. Never mind that his lips were slightly open, looking soft and inviting.

"AGH!" said Hinata, wanting to hit herself in the head for such terrible thoughts. Though really, if you compared them to Sakura's declaration that she had to kill Naruto to save him - kissing him while he was asleep wasn't anything at all!

Her hands were too cold to check temperature, so she braced herself and tried to do it forehead-to-forehead.

Of course, when she was less than two inches away, she saw those eyelids flicker open. Of course - she froze in place. Of course - Naruto's eyes slowly focussed on the girl next to him whose mouth was open in an "O" of surprise.

"I-I-I-I..." managed Hinata before leaping away. It was really a pity that she came down on a rock which twisted underfoot and she fell on her butt.

_Just let me die of embarassment right now,_ thought Hinata to herself.

"Wha happen?" asked Naruto.

"I- I- I was just checking your kiss, Naruto-kun," said Hinata. Eyes widened again. "No. No. I mean, checking your temperature! That's right! That's all I was doing!"

"eh?" asked Naruto, still looking at least half-asleep.

"You've been sick, and I'm trying to take care of you," said Hinata, looking down and tapping fingers together.

"Did I die?" asked Naruto. "Are you an angel?"

"No-no-no, I..." Hinata's voice broke off as Naruto went back to sleep. Her blush went up two notches and she stared at her fingers as she realized what he'd said. _He called me an angel?!_

There was a brief moment of smiling at absolutely nothing at all before she got out a hankerchief and wet it down from her canteen. _Naruto's just running a fever or something. He couldn't possibly have meant - THAT._

* * *

Kurenai had been leading her group for a long time, they'd gotten moving before first light, and she was on the look out for missing-nin.

She was therefore not amused at all when she went up to the house and someone tried to brain her with a lamp.

Kurenai slapped a quick set of handsigns together as she dodged, then tapped the pink-haired attacker in the forehead. "Magen: Gikyoku No Ningyou Akumu!"

"What's going on?" asked a boy, drawing a kunai.

"Sasuke Uchiha, isn't it?" asked Kurenai Yuhi. "Where's Kakashi?"

Sasuke looked at the apparently-paralyzed Sakura, then at the woman with the Leaf headband. "Over here."

"She'll be okay, though I'm going to recommend a thorough psych eval," said Kurenai. "I'm Kurenai Yuhi, jonin for Team 8."

Sasuke relaxed ever so slightly as Shino and Kiba entered behind the woman. He didn't recognize her, but he certainly recognized the loud dog-boy.

"Whoa," said Kiba, noting the girl was still holding the lamp as a blunt weapon. "She freeze up?"

"I used a genjutsu on her," said Kurenai. "One I've been working on. The 'Nightmare Puppet Show' should keep her from doing anything for a little while."

"Why do that?" asked Sasuke as the woman walked by him.

"Other than she was about to kill your teammate Naruto while he was unconscious while arguing with herself about how she had to do it for his sake?" asked Kurenai, looking back at Sasuke.

"Oh," said Sasuke.

"She's a fangirl," summed up Shino.

Sasuke shrugged but then nodded, acknowledging the point.

Slowly the lamp dropped from Sakura's fingers.

Kiba sighed, picked the girl up by grabbing her around the waist, and moved her a little further out of the way. "I gotta hear this explanation."

Shino nodded, already following Kurenai along. "I have taken the liberty of dispersing allies in the area to inform me of intruders."

"Good idea," acknowledged Kiba.

* * *

Naruto groaned and his arm flicked out forcibly.

_KA-BOOM!_

Hinata stared, blinking a couple of times, at the remains of a rock that had once been about twice the size of her head. A rock that had attained the past tense.

She backed away, now analyzing what she'd seen of the changes to Naruto's body.

After a few minutes of his rest not producing any more sudden movements, Hinata figured out what she needed to do.

* * *

"So, where to start," said Kakashi, sitting up on a futon.

"You came to Wave Country on a C-Rank mission protecting a bridge-builder named Tazuna from brigands," said Kurenai Yuhi, leaning against a dresser. "So start with the fight in which Naruto was injured. That's where our own involvement began."

"Naruto was killed, or close to it, by Zabuza Momochi."

Kurenai clarified for her genin. "The Demon Of The Mist who killed the entire genin class he graduated with. He was with Rain's ANBU, then a missing-nin who went rogue from there."

"Okay, he's a badass," summed up Kiba.

Kurenai looked at Kiba for a few moments.

"Uhm, sorry," said Kiba. "Being quiet now."

"When Zabuza was almost dead, some hunter-nin from Mist showed up to finish him off," said Kakashi. "However, there were a number of things wrong with that picture that I didn't notice at the time due to chakra exhaustion."

"You're saying the hunter-nin might not have been a hunter-nin?" asked Kurenai.

"No, probably not," agreed Kakashi. "Most likely a partner. He used senbon to dispatch Zabuza and then cart his body away for destruction."

"So Zabuza and his partner are likely going to attack again," summed up Kurenai.

"Zabuza doesn't have access to medic-nin so we have a little time," said Kakashi.

"What about Naruto?" asked Kurenai. "He's not dead."

"Naruto's spine was nearly severed, and then Zabuza spitted him on his sword in order to throw him at Sasuke," said Kakashi. "There may have been poison or an acidic jutsu involved too according to Sasuke. Everyone thought he was dead. Normally that sort of thing WOULD be enough to do it."

"Except it wasn't," said Kurenai.

"No, that was when it got weird," said Kakashi.

"Why is Naruto out there on a hill alone?" asked Kiba abruptly. "If he's that badly injured?"

"I thought it would be safe, last night I learned otherwise, but there were reasons that Naruto couldn't stay in here," said Kakashi. "His body stopped bleeding. He started healing. And changing. It was the changing part that was most disturbing."

"Hey, Hinata's alone with him!" said Kiba.

"She's fine, my allies are keeping an eye on her as well as Gai-sensei," said Shino, adjusting his dark glasses as he spoke.

"So, what IS going on with Naruto?" asked Kurenai.

Kakashi looked at Shino and Kiba then back to Kurenai. "Honestly. I don't know. I could speculate but there are laws against that."

"Shino, Kiba," said Kurenai. "Go check on Hinata and the perimeter here. Don't go too far though."

"Sasuke, you go with them. Take Sakura," said Kakashi.

Sasuke looked out into the next room to determine that Sakura was still frozen in a genjutsu. "What a pain."

* * *

Hinata put a fresh wet cloth over Naruto's forehead, doing what she could to keep him comfortable. She was NOT thinking how his ripped clothing and rippling muscles made him look like someone who could have stepped out of a romance novel cover. Not that she would ever read such a thing. Nope nope nope, not her!

"hinata-chan?" whispered Naruto.

Hinata stiffened and she looked over Naruto again. His eyes were visibly flicking around under his closed lids. He was definitely still asleep. _Does that mean he's... dreaming about me?!_

Hinata saw his lips moving, but couldn't quite make out what he was saying. She moved closer, curiosity temporarily moving ahead of timidity.

"hinata-chan," mumbled Naruto, "don't. run away. please."

Hinata didn't know that Naruto was having a fever-dream of a snippet of memory in which she was facing a member of Akatsuki to protect him. All SHE heard was Naruto telling her not to run away.

Unbidden tears began tracking down, as she bowed her head. She was always running away, always failing, always falling short. Naruto was counting on her now. Naruto who never gave up.

Her face went through several different moods before settling onto an unfamiliar determination.

She would NOT fail here and now.


	7. Chapter 7: MidChilda Bok Av Omenene

Another Fistful Of Omake: Mid-Childa Naruto  
aka: Mischief Fragment - Bok Av Omenene

a possibility raised by Greylle UPDATED: 5/24/10

The original, the Mjolnir variant, is being split off because the thing keeps writing itself.

* * *

branching off the Mischief Fragment plotline -

"I know who we can get to monitor him, and she's completely worthless otherwise so it's a perfect use for her," said one of the clan heads deciding Naruto's fate.

* * *

"I don't get it," said Naruto, inside a bunker that had walls of three feet of reinforced concrete. "Why'd they lock me in here? With you?"

"locked up alone with naruto..." whispered Hinata to herself.

"I don't get it," repeated Naruto, going off to one corner of the cell to think about this.

Hinata tried to figure out how to put this. "Well, you see, it's... my father decided..."

"Eh?" asked Naruto, focussing on Hinata.

Which embarassed her MUCH further so that she started curling up and went quiet.

"What is it, Hinata?" asked Naruto. "Why would they lock us in here?"

"I... that is..." Hinata just went ahead and fainted from the force of her blush.

"Eh?" said Naruto, leaping over to grab the girl before she could hurt herself hitting the hard floor. In fact, it was a good thing Hinata was already unconscious or she'd have slipped into a coma from being held like she was.

_hey, she's pretty cute,_ came some whisper from Naruto's subconscious.

"Huh? Who said that?" asked Naruto, not fooled for a moment.

_Uhm. The Demon Fox. Yeah, that's right. I'm the Demon Fox that's sealed within you._

"I got a Demon Fox sealed within me?" asked Naruto. "Funny. You don't sound like a Demon Fox."

_So I got Multiple Personality Disorder, so sue me,_ griped the little voice.

"The Ninetails is schizopanic?" asked Naruto.

_Close enough,_ said the little voice. _Ahem. The girl is obviously sick._

"She's sick?" asked Naruto, going into a panic. "Ohmygosh! WhatamIgonnado?"

_Learn a special supersecret new jutsu!_ whispered the voice.

"Oh? A new jutsu!" asked Naruto, going from panicked to excited. "What do I need to do?"

_First. Put the girl down._

THUMP!

_On. The. Bed._

"Oh, sorry," said Naruto, realizing his mistake and correcting it. "So what's this new jutsu?"

_I'll have to flash teach you,_ said the voice with a hint of regret. _Sadly, there's no time for the usual insanely-painful-yet-strangely-effective training methods usually used for it. As to the name, it's called magic._

"Ma-gu-ikku?" asked Naruto, sounding it out. "What's that? Oh, 'magic' - like pulling a rabbit out of a hat?"

_No. Sleight of hand is already a common ninja skill._

"Onmyoji?" asked Naruto.

_No. There are ninjas who do that too. Not in Konoha perhaps, but they are most definitely out there._

"Well, how about -" began Naruto.

_That's already a ninjutsu specialization too. So is Blue Magic, which is sort of like the Sharingan actually..._

"So what is it?" asked Naruto.

_Well, without getting too technical, it's based on the Mid-Childa system. You'll be able to cast spells without your tool, but it's WITH your Device that you'll be able to pull out the higher level power._

Naruto scratched his head. "I didn't get a lot of that. So these spells are like jutsu?"

_Yes, that's basically it. Now I need to know what kind of role you want._

"What do you mean 'role'?" asked Naruto predictably.

_Well, you want to be a Hokage, right? So what KIND of Hokage? Do you want to be someone who throws huge amounts of damage at your opponents? Do you want to be able to help your friends and associates to do better? Do you want to be a healer who can help your team and agents recover from wounds and ease their pain? Do you want to be an information-gatherer who can sit back and figure out the answers, so that those you send on missions have a better chance of surviving? Do you want to be a stealth specialist who can find problems and quietly remove them?_

"Can't I be all of that?" asked Naruto, a little overwhelmed and aware that if he made a choice he might not be able to change it later.

_No, not really. Not within a human lifetime. You can have a number of 'jutsu' that do a lot of things, but you'll only be able to keep practice up and get really good at a much more limited field. Being a generalist means that you'll never get to the higher end of one of the specialties._

"Oh," said Naruto.

_Hang on. All specialties of magic require some work on your mana levels, and in this world that means your chakra coils and reservoir. Also need to boost your intelligence a bit, particularly in the whole memory-retention area. Besides, it'll be funnier that way when everyone's expecting you to act like an idiot and you perform a Crowning Act Of Brilliance or something._

Naruto staggered as something changed. After blinking back tears caused by some very unpleasant sensations though he felt fine. "Okay."

_Now, what role you choose will indicate what Device you get. What'll it be?_

Naruto decided to just go ahead with it, he might not understand everything as well as he should but it was a chance at things turning out better than they currently were. Full steam ahead and all that sort of thing. He spoke his choice. "Knowledge. Running into stuff I don't know anything about has been a pain."

_Done then._

* * *

_Flashback:_

"So he was one of the victims with his linker core extracted?"

"Yes, we found this in his hands. It's an Intelligent Device, but not one of ours."

"A book? Can we access it?"

"No, it's locked. It appears to be an informational type and the name written on the spine is 'Bok Av Omenene' or 'Book Of Omens'."

"He doesn't look the studious type somehow. Well, let him heal with the others. Was there anything else?"

"Yes, actually, look at these magical scans."

"Very powerful magical capacity, especially for a male. Good sized 'bucket' too. And... what in the blazing blue fires is THAT?"

"A demonic entity sealed inside him. Which was actually our main concern with him. He's also not from the world we found him in."

"Yes, I see the note here. Uncontrolled dimensional crossing from the analysis, and he had the uncanny bad luck to end up assaulted before he even knew where he was. This 'Vita' apparently did some serious damage to him before he was defeated, indicating he has SOME fight in him. Just no magical training."

"Your orders?"

"Right arm broken in two places, left arm broken once. Right hand crushed. Left shoulder fragmented. Three broken ribs on the right side. Two fractured vertebrae. Pretty bad concussion. Right leg broken in... SIX places? Left leg broken once. Hip fracture... It's a wonder he's alive. Get him healed. Get him some magical training. Study the beast within him and see if there's a way to negate the infernal aspects."

"Yes, Captain."

"Did his eye just flicker? How is he conscious?"

"I'm adjusting his medication."

* * *

_Later:_  
Naruto remembered, though it was a little fuzzy. The girl had attacked him, he'd insulted her. She'd continued her attack, he'd gotten progressively more insulting especially after she...

She hurt him and she had ENJOYED hurting him. She'd hurt him worse than any of the villagers ever had.

And then she'd left him to die without a second thought.

Naruto remembered all that as he healed. He wasn't angry though. He understood that this other world he'd appeared in was under assault by these 'Wolkenritter' and he had appeared in this world with the Book. He had dropped the magic book and responded to the attacking girl as a recent graduate of the ninja academy.

He felt the pain and the hurt and knew without a doubt in his heart. He stood absolutely no chance against this 'Vita' girl using the skills he'd learned over the years as a ninja.

So he had a lot to think about as his bones were knit back together. A LOT to think about.

* * *

_much later:_ "The boy Naruto took three weeks in a healing tank, during which time he requested and received a primer on basic magical studies, then a set of educational books intended for pre-schoolers. After that he read four more basic magical texts and three basic education textbooks."

"I understand the desire to improve his magical skills, but I'm not sure about the rest," said Captain Harlaown.

"Apparently his education in his home universe was... less than complete," said the medic tactfully.

"It's been a week since his release from the medbay," noted the Captain. "Is he ready for battle? There is indication that the person responsible for his injuries is accelerating her activities with the aid of some others. Nanoha and Fate have already fought them on several occasions. If it ends up escalating, I'll want every available mage."

The medic hesitated. "His Device is an informational type primarily. One of the researchers felt it was a third-rate copy of the Book Of Darkness itself but that doesn't appear to be entirely accurate."

"You're not saying that it's another Book Of Darkness, are you?" asked the Captain.

"No, not that at all," the medic was quick to assure the Captain. "The book instead concentrates primarily on the acquisition of information. Since being reunited with Bok Ov Omenene and learning how to access it, he hasn't requested any additional reading material."

The Captain blinked. "Is this book capable of accessing libraries on its own?"

" The medic nodded. "Not only that, but once I wanted to find the floor with the vending machine that dispenses the Citrus Doctor Spice. He pulled up a map on the book and told me which stairwell and floor it was on."

"So the book can't cast spells on its own, but it can show him how to do it?" asked Captain Harlaown. "So he can basically cast a number of spells depending on his magical capacity and reservoir. Which are A and S rated?"

"Yes," said the medic. "There's more."

"More?" asked the Captain.

"He asked the book how to get more cooperation out of his prisoner," said the medic. "He's been locked in a room now for three days."

* * *

They called it the 'book of omens' but Naruto called it something different. It was the 'book of answers' to him.

If it was in a library or someone knew it, at least within range of the book's abilities depending on a lot of factors he didn't understand, it could access and display those answers.

He was on a ship that had access to a major library.

When he went home, he suspected he'd lose a lot of access to information. So he had to learn things NOW.

* * *

_Three years later:_  
Naruto was aware of the difficulties. Because that darn cat (whose identity he wasn't sure of but was sure at that point that it had NOT been the demon fox) had thrown him out of one universe into another, the TSAB did not know which was his home reality.

He also knew that there were a LOT of other realities.

Since the Book Of Darkness had been put down, he'd been to some of those other worlds and their realities. Part of his duties with the TSAB, assigned to him to increase his chances of getting home, had been to scout other worlds. Sometimes he'd even made friends on those other worlds, using his Artifact to pull up information from hidden sources.

He'd been on a dying world of desert landscapes, where martial artists fought each other over dwindling resources and life was frequently cheaper than water.

He'd been on a dead world where a civilization had annihilated itself in a blaze of science gone wrong and conspiracies gone wild.

He'd stood on the edge of a building overlooking a ruined city that was trying to rebuild itself after a madman's attempt at vengeance had threatened their world.

There had been others too. Worlds of wonder and breathtaking beauty. Worlds that were dead and decaying. Worlds that were on the precipice and worlds that had stepped back from it.

He'd made friends too. Finding people who saw him as hope, others who decided he was a rival, and still others who sought to follow his banner.

Which was going to be very odd when he got back to Konoha and these others followed him there.

* * *

"-and so that's what happened," said Naruto to the Hokage, ignoring the various clan heads and ANBU and others who'd insisted on turning a private meeting into a more major conference.

Which was making him wish that he'd used a henge to disguise himself as his younger self before returning.

He had started out as twelve and some change. He was now over fifteen years old. His hair was longer and drawn back into a short ponytail. He'd filled out some, constant taijutsu practice and weight training as well as eating the amounts he had. He'd found the thread of spell leading back to his home universe and followed it, snapping to one second after he'd left. At this point he was unsure if anyone following him would end up following him to the him-now or would show up in three years and some odd percentage later.

The Hokage had already circulated a rumor that Naruto had run afoul of an experimental time-dilation jutsu that had gone wrong. A jutsu that could have allowed a ninja to hide and avoid pursuers because a minute would pass for him and the outside world would have hours go by. Instead it had aged Naruto three years. That was just a cover story, of course. ANBU secret files would have the real story, and details. The FULL story was promptly slapped with a Class S Secret until more details could be tied down.

Naruto was keeping the full capabilities of his Artifact secret himself. The ninja world was full of secrets and if it was generally known he could ferret out a large number of those secrets simply by asking the right question of his Artifact? No, he really didn't want to deal with the waves of murder attempts that sooner or later would be successful. He was kind of averse to dying, it would ruin his whole day.

"I see," said the Hokage, waiting for the scribe to finish writing all the details down. "Now, most of this will be classified, and I expect this will take some time for decisions to be made regarding it. In the meantime you'll have to serve in a genin team. The details will be announced tomorrow but I'm afraid the selection has already been made."

* * *

_The next morning:_  
"Team 7," said Iruka Umino the next day. "Jonin is Kakashi Hatake. Sasuke Uchiha, Naruto Uzumaki, and Hinata Hyuga."

"Eh?" said Hinata, brightening and straightening. A smile began forming. _I'm on the same team as Naruto-kun?_

"Team 8 under jonin Kurenai Yuhi," continued Iruka. "Shino Aburame. Kiba Inuzuka, and Choji Akamichi."

"Good luck, Choji," said Shikamaru Nara, a little surprised that they weren't trying to recreate the last generation team.

"Team 9 under jonin Zack Fair. Cloud Strife, Tifa Lockheart, and Yuffie Kisaragi."

Tifa and Cloud glanced over at the slender ninja with the reputation for having things that originally had other owners, and frowned slightly.

"Team 11. Jonin is Strago Magosu. Locke Cole, Shadow Inuzuka, and Terra Branford."

Shadow looked down at his dog Interceptor, who nodded. They'd have to hide their money somehow. Locke had a reputation after all. For having a crush on Terra AND for occasionally getting into a rivalry with Yuffie.

"Team 12 under Asuma Sarutobi. Shikamaru Nara, Ino Yamanaka, and Sakura Haruno."

"What a pain," came the completely predictable response from the class number one slacker.

* * *

_Somewhere outside local time and space:_  
"When did I put THEM in?" asked a black cat as he scratched his head. "Oh well. They're the right ages here and all, and it could be interesting."

* * *

_Hours later:_  
"So why don't you introduce yourselves?" asked Kakashi Hatake. "You first."

"Ah no, uhm, I'm H-Hinata Hyuga, and I'm-" (fidget, blush, look shyly to the side, blush some more, fidget lots) "I..."

Naruto checked something in his book, then spoke up. "Her name is Hinata Hyuga. Sasuke's Uncle Genma made a bet with her father to engage her to me. She's got her family's kekkei genkai of the Byakugan, allowing her to see nearly three hundred sixty degrees around her and through objects. She's a practitioner of her family's martial art style of the Jyuuken, which allows her to shut down an opponent's chakra system or inflict massive damage to internal organs with a single strike. She likes sweet but not strong flavored foods."

"Okay, thank you Hinata," said Kakashi sarcastically. "That was summed up fairly well though you sound like you might be getting a cold or something."

"What's that book say about me?" asked Sasuke.

"You sure you want me to look?" asked Naruto. "I got permission from Hinata earlier cause I was curious."

"Sure, go ahead," said Sasuke, curious.

"Bok Ov Omenene, Scan. Subject: Sasuke Uchiha. Overview only," said Naruto.

[Active. Scanning. Permission recorded. Displaying.]

Naruto started reading. "Sasuke Uchiha. Doesn't like to admit there are things in this world he likes, but he's fond of the melon bread they sell by the West Gate."

"Oh, I've had that, it's very tasty," said Hinata, offering a shy smile to the startled Uchiha.

Naruto continued. "His goal is to avenge his clan and destroy his elder brother Itachi, a missing-nin who killed almost every Uchiha except his younger brother. Sasuke has a number of fire jutsu, good throwing and taijutsu skills, and has the Sharingan. Currently it's trauma-locked until he can activate it again."

Sasuke was staring at Naruto with his mouth slightly open at this point.

"Sasuke has read the hidden story of the Sharingan and knows that while it's powerful, there are prices for its power and details that comprise the Secret of the Uchiha clan. Despite the claims of various girls in the class, Sasuke does not favor any of them - because he's entirely focussed on revenge and knows that there is a very good chance of his dying a painful and tragic death. That, and a detail of the Secret, have managed to keep him from getting close to anyone."

"Stop," said Sasuke, blinking. "What? How?"

Naruto stood, revealing his extra height and mass. "I'm Naruto Uzumaki. Mage. This is my Artifact, Bok Av Omenene. It has several uses but one of them is it can scan any writings within its range and store the knowledge of it. It can also read minds, though I have to know the name of the target and they have to be within a line-of-sight. Between me and Hinata, we make a heck of an information gathering team. My likes are ramen and magic."

"'magic'?" asked Sasuke, still in shock.

"A form of jutsu," said Naruto. "Sort of. Anyway, without using my Artifact: I know a flight spell, three barrier spells, two binding spells, and two general enhancement spells, a healing spell, a find objects spell, and six combat spells. Oh, and six spells that are just kind of general utility."

Kakashi blinked a couple of times.

"As for Sakura and Ino, they're over on that rooftop watching Sasuke and trying to determine whether or not he's making a move on Hinata," said Naruto, reading further.

Everyone slowly turned their heads to look at the rooftop in question. A set of planters seemed to look back when they suddenly made a dash for the stairs. Hampered slightly when they crashed together at the stairwell and dropped their henge to reveal the two girls before they finished their escape.

"Now, THAT is ominous," said Naruto, with nods of agreement from all three others.

* * *

"Okay," said Kakashi the next day. "This is your real test. You have to get these two bells off my... where did they go? I'm sure I had them right here a moment ago."

Three genin with innocent expressions looked back at him.

Kakashi rubbed his head as if getting a headache. "Why do I have a feeling that someone started early."

"Well, ano," said Hinata, managing to look embarassed and proud at the same time. "Actually we started on time."

"Yeah," said Naruto. "You were the one late, Kakashi-sensei."

"Hnnn," grunted Sasuke, though his smirk said LOTS more.

Kakashi sighed and held out his hand. "Give them back. I can't give you a test if I don't have the target."

"I dunno, Kakashi-sensei," said Naruto thoughtfully. "Can you describe these bells?"

"I could try using my Byakugan," said Hinata, managing to look bashful with a side order of impish humor. Something that would have utterly SHOCKED anyone of her household. "M-maybe you dropped them somewhere?"

"Guys, I'm losing my patience," warned Kakashi. Honestly though he was seeing some teamwork, and intelligence gathering. Plus he was a ninja, you HAD to give them points for being sneaky.

"Oh, what do you know, I have a bell in my pocket," said Naruto, faking surprise and not doing a very good job of it. "Wherever did that come from?"

"Oh, that IS strange," giggled Hinata.

"Oh, Hinata, you've got another one there," said Naruto, reaching two fingers out towards her ear and producing a bell that absolutely could not have fit there.

"Hmph," said Sasuke, holding up a bell of his own.

"...I'm really beginning to hate you guys," said Kakashi as he gathered up the three bells and wondered how long they had prepared in order to find one more bell of the exact same type. "Naruto?"

"Yes, Kakashi-sensei?" asked the boy who was trying to hold back some snickers.

"When did you use your artifact on me?" asked Kakashi.

"Yesterday, right after you announced we'd be having survival training," admitted Naruto. "I was curious as to what kind of survival training would make us throw up. So I tracked you down long enough to get a reading."

"And you bought an extra bell then?" asked Kakashi.

"No, I waited until you were thirty minutes late this morning and then checked again, at which point we decided to change the conditions of the test," admitted Naruto. "Your fault, Kakashi-sensei. You gave me time to start setting up pranks."

"G-gomen, sensei," said Hinata, ducking her head.

Sasuke snorted.

"Let me guess," said Kakashi. "You used Hinata's eyes to find out where I was, you then used your book to find out what the test was about, and then you got together with Sasuke to cheat on my test."

Sasuke cocked an eyebrow on that. "I don't like no-win scenarios."

"Hear that," said Naruto.

Kakashi shook his head. "Naruto. Never, ever, scan me again without permission AHEAD of time."

"So?" asked Naruto.

"Come on, let's go get lunch," said Kakashi finally after reviewing the situation for a few moments. "I guess you pass."

* * *

"All right," said Naruto, bouncing up. "Our first mission! You got us something appropriate, right, Kakashi-sensei?"

"Right," said Hinata cheerfully. "Kakashi-sensei won't let us down!"

Even Sasuke stood up and had a tiny smile showing.

"uhm," said Kakashi.

"Team 7 is going to kick butt!" said Naruto. "Missions to recover information, lost jutsu, find valuable artifacts, border patrol. We are going to leave everyone in the dust!"

"Unnn," said Hinata, nodding. She was ready! She wouldn't let anyone down no matter how dangerous the mission!

"So what is it?" asked Sasuke, likewise ready to go out and commit serious awesomeness.

Kakashi considered exactly how to put this.

"Maybe we'll have to prove ourselves with something smaller, like defending a village from bandits," said Naruto, putting a hand across Hinata's shoulders and completely missing how cherry-red she went. "Or maybe something like finding kidnap victims. With Sasuke's skills, Hinata's Byakugan, and my 'hijitsu' we're a NATURAL for that kind of thing."

"So what is it, Kakashi-sensei?" asked all three genin. One enthusiastically, one shyly, and one ready for his chance to shine.

"Errr," said Kakashi Hatake, who was quite aware after yesterday that this group might end up with some pranks being done if things didn't go their way. Unfortunately, he knew what today's mission was. "You get to pull weeds from a field."

Three stares met him.

"That was a good joke, Kakashi-sensei," said Naruto after that brief pause. "I mean we didn't go through ninja school, graduate, and pass that test yesterday to be unskilled labor. Right?"

"It's a D-Rank mission," said Kakashi, wincing at two spikes of Killing Intent and one of... oh no that was SO not fair. That hurt/disappointed look from Hinata. The Kill Intent was an occupational hazard but THAT was just going into completely uncalled for. "Actually, it's a fairly typical D-Rank."

Naruto had a bit more experience after going through the time with Vita hurting him and then the time afterwards. He had an idea, and a dark chuckle from somewhere in the depths of his stomach indicated agreement from THAT end of things as well. "So... we should do these basic unskilled tasks, but we should approach them as skilled ninja practicing our trade?"

"Eh?" asked Kakashi, sensing that something BAD was about to happen. "Well, I suppose..."

* * *

Hours later, having seen Hinata using her knowledge of herbcraft and Byakugan to direct nearly a hundred Naruto in the clearing of the field, Kakashi glanced at the sun, determined that they were going to clear an all-day mission in about an hour, and looked over at where Sasuke was holding up a sign that said [We're on a lame D-Rank mission. Can you come up with something better? Please tell the Hokage!]

"You're not planning on doing that ALL the time, are you?" asked Kakashi as another group of girls stopped, read the sign, and had a giggle fit before running off.

"Why not?" said Sasuke. "I could do this all day."

"You're not Sasuke," realized Kakashi suddenly. "You're one of Naruto's shadow clones using a henge to look like Sasuke."

The "Sasuke" looked back at him. "Oh? What gave it away?"

"Sasuke has more practice at sounding surly," said Kakashi, who had a return of that BAD feeling. One of the genin missing. Still, it was Sasuke. He probably would just go off to brood. Unless... "Are there any shadow clones that went with him?"

"Well, yeah," admitted the "Sasuke" shadow clone. "A couple."

"Uh oh," said Kakashi. "Should I be concerned?"

"You made me promise not to scan you," said the "Sasuke" clone. "On the other hand, did you know that Sasuke as the Uchiha heir has access to that entire section of Konoha and it's just lying open for anyone to use? Well, he says the ANBU do training and such there, but that's it mostly."

The Sasuke-clone turned towards him and Kakashi KNEW upon seeing that smirk. He just absolutely KNEW that this was going to come back and bite him somewhere sensitive.

* * *

"So they even had a printing shop over here?" asked Naruto. "Awesome! The possibilities here!"

"Yeah, this should do for the flyers," said Sasuke, going past the place. "Probably have to get new supplies before we can use them though. What do you need for this jutsu lab?"

"Large open area, nearby water supply," said Naruto. "Hopefully something with a roof but ventilated. If there are any libraries around, near them would be good too. It's just with the supplies in a print shop - we can make our own books and scrolls as well as those handouts."

"Hmm. What kind of rent can I get out of it?" asked Sasuke.

"Don't know. I got to run stuff by the Hokage, who should know what jutsu are someone's hijutsu and something we can't use. Jutsu that someone stored in a wall or hidden spot and everyone forgot about, one of us can use," said Naruto. "Besides, there's something I've been wanting to try that might help us out."

"In picking weeds out of fields?" asked Sasuke.

"Yeah right, no. We're going to get Kakashi's lame D-Ranks done in the morning, then he'll go off to do jonin stuff and we'll do training and research," said Naruto. "No, something I ran across when I was researching near a magic library. Ever hear of elementals?"

"Yeah, spirits of a particular element," said Sasuke. "Myth."

"So are magic books," said Naruto. "If someone never saw it, they'd think your fireball technique was a myth. Thing is, elementals are like summoning creatures according to what I read. So you're good at fire. How much better could you be if you could summon a spirit of fire who could attack independently of you?"

"That... could be cool," admitted Sasuke.

"Of course, there's also the planning of how to get better equipment, but I think I got an idea on that," said Naruto.

* * *

"Late again," said Sasuke. "You'd think he'd learn."

"Some people learn slower than others," noted Naruto.

"Eh to, N-Naruto-kun," said Hinata, still stuttering despite the encouragement she'd gotten so far from him making it a little easier to actually talk to him. "I've been meaning to ask-"

"Ask what?" asked Naruto in reply.

"Your Artifact is named 'Bok Av Omenene'?" asked Hinata. On Naruto's nod, she continued. "Why 'book of omens'?"

"Oh, that," said Naruto, holding out his hand and having the Artifact materialize floating over it. "The book has 2000 pages, see?"

Hinata ducked her head shyly, aware that both Sasuke and Naruto were looking at her and not exactly comfortable with being the center of attention. Not that she didn't also find it somewhat empowering as they seemed to encourage her subtly.

"Well, pages erase and fill with new information," continued Naruto. "Except for sections that are permanent. There's this page right here for example. Once per day I can try to use the Divination function to get an idea of some future event."

"Predicting the future?" asked Sasuke skeptically.

"Yeah, the future's always changing though, so it's usually vague and only focussed on major things," said Naruto. "I haven't used it yet today. Try it. Ask a question."

Sasuke frowned and considered. Why not try a question he knew the answer to? "How can I get stronger to defeat That Man?"

[Divination. Display Mode] [Today is a good day for shopping.]  
[Focus on one thing at a time.]  
[Bring friends and allies, for as you strengthen yourself, so too does your foe.]  
[Not all is as it seems, and you foe is but one face.]  
[Behind him is another shadow, and another shadow beyond that.]  
[Tread carefully, lest you become the very thing that you hunt.]  
[The most obvious path is not always the correct one.]

"That was - odd," said Sasuke as he read the display. "Shopping?"

"Hmmm, I think I know just the place," said Naruto. "If it's another lame mission today, let me leave some kage bunshin behind to do the job."

"'shopping'?" repeated Sasuke.

"Right, and there's something I want to get from Sakura for a prank on Kakashi-sensei," said Naruto with a foxy grin. It was two, two, two pranks in one!

_POOF!_

"Okay guys, you know what to do," instructed Naruto to the small squad of clones.

"RIGHT!" said the clones, running off.

"What are you doing?" asked Sasuke.

"I've seen Sakura with those Yaoi Romance novels before," said Naruto. "I'm going to sneak into Kakashi-sensei's house and replace all of his little orange books." (and vice versa of course.)

"That's evil," said Sasuke, inclining his head. "I approve."

Naruto gave a gracious little bow in return that earned a giggle from Hinata.

"Vengeance is important," said Sasuke, instructing his two team-mates.

* * *

_Hours later:_  
"So anyway, today's mission is collecting trash along the river, part of the Keep Konohagakure Clean campaign," said Kakashi, who at this point had no idea what horrors would be awaiting him when he went home to get fresh reading material.

"On it," said Naruto, forming a hundred kage bunshin, who cheered and ran off.

"uhm," said Kakashi as this was not an expected response of genin to a day of back-breaking labor along a river.

"Come on, guys, while I clean the river we can check out those printing machines and see what's required to get them running," said Naruto, leading his two team-mates off.

"Uhm, oh well," said Kakashi, shrugging. Long as the work got done, who was he to care?

The meeting place was empty briefly.

_(PIFF PAFF POFF)_

"Okay, he's gone," said Naruto to his two team-mates as his shadow clones went all over the place. "Bok Av Omenene. Display. Nearest transdimensional waypoint that will lead me to a good place for shopping. One I've already been to would be best."

[Map Page]  
[Displaying]  
[Path requires three traversals, short range.]

"What's a waypoint?" asked Hinata, looking over the map.

"It's in the Uchiha sector," noted Sasuke.

"It's a point where I can open a sort of door to a different place," said Naruto. "Travelling the Ways though can be dangerous, so be ready for predators."

* * *

One minute they'd been in the Uchiha sector of Konohakagure.

Then Naruto had pulled out his book, said a few words that had echoed oddly, and made a gesture.

That the air had split open and Naruto had stepped through the resulting rip had kind of impressed Sasuke. Of course, he was immediately thinking of ways to do that himself. Naruto requiring that book of his to do it though meant that other people might not be able to do it. Sasuke had already noticed that all the pages looked blank unless Naruto gave the 'Display' command.

Then he went through himself. For a moment he had one foot resting on pavement in Konoha, with his other foot on the other side of the rent stepping onto a sand dune under an amethyst sky.

He moved to the side as Hinata came through.

Yellow sand. Purple sky. Two suns visible, looking awfully small and not nearly so bright as he'd expect from their positions. Weird spiky looking plants.

"This way," said Naruto, closing the mid-air rent behind Hinata and then moving off to the side.

Another stop occurred a couple of minutes later, and Naruto did the same ritual and stepped through another rift at the end of it.

Again the odd sensation as his trailing foot was on a sand dune and his forward foot came down on a rocky beach.

This world, he quickly realized, was OLD. Everything from the scent on the wind to just the feel of the place whispered of times that were long past.

The rocks underfoot turned out to be pieces of masonry from a wall that was only obvious as such because the ragged pieces were in a more-or-less straight line.

A sun, red and bloated, cast a dull-seeming radiance on the land. Even the waves lapping up on the shore seemed to sound old and tired somehow.

After Hinata had come through, Naruto sealed that doorway and began moving off in another direction.

An odd howl in the distance indicated that this particular world was not completely dead.

"Predator?" asked Sasuke.

"Most likely," said Naruto, hurrying up just a bit more.

"Byakugan," whispered Hinata, making the quick seals and invoking the technique.

"What do you see?" asked Sasuke when the other girl had finished and scurried to catch up with Naruto.

"It's a single predator, but it doesn't have any eyes," said Hinata. "It's coming!"

"Then it's a good thing we're here," said Naruto, coming to a halt and performing the same ritual as earlier.

Sasuke looked around, letting Hinata go ahead of him this time. A hint of movement revealed a purple and red crab-beetle creature roughly half his size, scuttling towards his position at high speed.

As soon as he was through the portal, Naruto sealed that one too.

Sasuke looked around, finding himself in a narrow alley between two buildings. The smell of something spicy mixed with the smell of roasting beef tickled his nostrils. An odd musical instrument played some equally odd melody, repeating the same musical sequence over and over again and speeding up with each repeat until it ended in a flourish.

"Here we go," said Naruto.

"Where is 'here'?" asked Sasuke, curious. Shopping wasn't exactly high on his idea of fun things to do. Still, it beat out painting fences or pulling weeds.

Naruto led them out of the alleyway onto a street. "We're at a market I visited once."

* * *

If they'd had the reference, they would have seen it as a sort of Middle-Eastern marketplace prior to the Crusades.

The heat was hot, the air was dry, the buildings were old and crumbly, and even the insects buzzing around seemed slightly torpid in the heat of late afternoon.

"Okay, I know this place," said Naruto eventually as he looked up and saw some banners hung with odd script.

[Marketplace at Thespa]

Hinata blinked at the words on the page as Naruto was holding the book in such a way that all three could read it. "Where's that?"

[**Thespa**]  
[- a desert world claimed by the Banaris Republic.  
A world of medium level magical energies mainly known for its rich mineral deposits and abundant magical plant life. Potion making is regarded as a high art here. The plants were once considered a C-Class Hazard, but much of the planetary surface has since been tamed.]

"Potions?" asked Sasuke.

"I don't have a lot of the local currency," said Naruto thoughtfully. "They won't take the money from Konoha. Hmmm. Sasuke, how good are you with throwing kunai?"

"You have a plan?" asked Sasuke.

* * *

"That's enough of that," said one of the gamblers, slapping some coins down on the table. "I know my limits."

"Thank you," said Naruto, inclining his head as Hinata repeatedly bowed her own thanks.

Sasuke merely smirked and flipped a few of the darts around in his hands. "Anyone else?"

"Nah, let's not push it," said Naruto. "These guys can get rough."

"So?" asked Sasuke.

"If that happens we can get banned from coming here again," said Naruto as he led them out into the street. "Like that one gal told me - 'Don't burn a bridge in the hand' or something like that."

"Uhm," said Hinata. "I don't think that was the right saying."

"Yeah, well, that gal was always mangling phrases," admitted Naruto as he tried to get his bearings. "Anyway, we got enough to make a couple of purchases I think."

"So what are we supposed to shop for?" asked Sasuke, carrying the money since he'd won it himself.

"The main things to get here are potions," said Naruto. "Think of them as one-shot jutsu. You drink the potion or throw it, depending on what the potion does. Some potions give you a boost on strength, heal wounds, or can turn you invisible. The kinds you throw can explode, spread fires, put a wall of thorns and vines up, stuff like that."

"So," said Sasuke, cocking his head. "Secret weapons we can keep back for emergencies."

"Hey, it's something mages and ninja have in common," said Naruto. "This way."

Sasuke paid attention to a lot of details, including the way Hinata practically stuck to Naruto like a shadow. Nervous about being in a strange place? Or had she seen something?

"N-Naruto, does the book say why there aren't any women here?" asked Hinata eventually.

"Eh?" asked Naruto, slowing. "Come to think of it, I haven't seen any. Bok Av Omenene?"

The book flipped open to reveal the previous entry still in place. More lettering appeared underneath it.

[Odd Customs:]  
[Thespa was settled almost entirely by the followers of the Scholar Jahn Nohrmahn, a religiously followed path that denies it is a religion. Human males are seen as being of various caste levels to which they are born. Magical talent or lack of it can cause those caste lines to be crossed, likewise fighting strength, but otherwise it is set at birth. The more magical power, the higher the caste. Mid-Childan mages are considered foreign nobility.]

"That's odd," said Naruto. "I just remembered that when the TSAB sent me here last time, they told Fate and Nanoha they couldn't come. I guess it's that sort of thing."

[According to the "science-philosophy of Nohrmahn" - females of all species are property and therefore should be kept under control or out of sight. Unclaimed females or those without clear ownership are considered free for the taking.]

"Okay, that explains it," said Naruto. "The first time Fate or Nanoha ran into THAT attitude, they'd start putting people through walls."

Hinata was now crowding VERY close to Naruto and looking in as many directions as she could without immediately going to the Byakugan.

"Okay, this is the place, we'll get done here and get back fast," said Naruto.

Sasuke noted that Hinata was now pinching Naruto's jacket and banished the smirk from his face as he followed the two into the shop. At least she wasn't as 'jump on and cling' as Ino or as 'tsundere' as Sakura or (ancestors forbid) as SCARY as Dokoro. Instead Hinata was very low-key. Much better.

The shop itself was exactly how Sasuke would have pictured it. Skulls of bizarre beasts had candles sticking up like horns or something from them. Old dark wood shelves lining the room. Throw rugs that had seen better days, and in a previous century. Short guy on a ladder behind the counter wearing the same turban-loose robes sort of clothing as all the other natives.

"Welcome to Raschid's Potion Emporium. You, fine sirs, are in great luck. We have one quarter-off sale today, is very good karma, yes?"

"You always have a 25% off sale, Raschid, I've heard about you," said Naruto. "And you knock the prices up 50% before you take the 25% off."

"Lies! Lies and cheats spread by my competitors!" said Raschid. "Eh? Is that yours?"

Hinata zooped into full body contact with Naruto.

Naruto put one arm around her. "Yes, this is MY woman."

_FAINT!_

"You are Mid-Childan," said Raschid with a shrug. "Nobody here would expect you to be Enlightened. I was just asking because she didn't exactly seem to be dealing with the heat too well with that heavy jacket."

"Uhm, right," said Naruto, picking up the fainted girl and wondering what had set her off this time. Maybe it HAD been the heat.

"Set her over there on that bench," suggested Raschid. "You might open the jacket too. The heat here on Thespa can be quite oppressive. Now, how may I interest you in my alchemical wares?"

"You have 'invisibility' potions?" asked Sasuke, thinking that sounded handy. "How do they work?"

"Oh yes, honored customer, Raschid has many such potions available. My invisibility potions range from the common one that drops when you attack someone to the top end potion that conceals your presence by making it seem that no matter where you are, you are where you belong."

"If you want an invisibility potion, go for one that deadens your magical signature, since that's chakra," said Naruto.

"Ah, the Potion Of Unseen Presence," said Raschid. "Very good deal on that one. Very cheap. I made extra."

"Yeah, right," said Sasuke, his skepticism mirrored by Naruto.

The proprietor shrugged as if to say that you couldn't blame him for trying before rooting around under the cabinet and pulling a single flask with a clear liquid in it out. "For a mere 500 kiam, this has enough for a single dose. You can do any number of things while invisible, but once you intentionally and directly attack anything at all the spell ends. Be very careful of that, honored customer, for there have been those who swatted away a fly and broken the spell thereby."

"Hmmm," said Sasuke, counting off coins and noting that Naruto was back to fussing over the fainted Hinata. THAT could turn quite annoying very quickly. Though he doubted that Naruto even realized what he'd claimed or why Hinata would react like that to such a statement.


	8. Chapter 8: Slayers Naruto

Another Fistful Of Omake: Naruto Mischievous Magus  
aka: Mischief Fragment - Slayers

a possibility raised by Greylle

Just something that occurred to me after a comment raised on the Anime Addventure.

* * *

Branching off-

"I know who we can get to monitor him, and she's completely worthless otherwise so it's a perfect use for her," said one of the clan heads deciding Naruto's fate.

* * *

"I don't get it," said Naruto, inside a bunker that had walls of three feet of reinforced concrete. "Why'd they lock me in here? With you?"

"locked up alone with naruto..." whispered Hinata to herself.

"I don't get it," repeated Naruto, going off to one corner of the cell to think about this.

Hinata tried to figure out how to put this. "Well, you see, it's... my father decided..."

"Eh?" asked Naruto, focussing on Hinata.

Which embarassed her MUCH further so that she started curling up and went quiet.

"What is it, Hinata?" asked Naruto. "Why would they lock us in here?"

"I... that is..." Hinata just went ahead and fainted from the force of her blush.

"Eh?" said Naruto, leaping over to grab the girl before she could hurt herself hitting the hard floor. In fact, it was a good thing Hinata was already unconscious or she'd have slipped into a coma from being held like she was.

_hey, she's pretty cute,_ came some whisper from Naruto's subconscious.

"Huh? Who said that?" asked Naruto, not fooled for a moment.

_Uhm. The Demon Fox. Yeah, that's right. I'm the Demon Fox that's sealed within you._

"I got a Demon Fox sealed within me?" asked Naruto. "Funny. You don't sound like a Demon Fox."

_So I got Multiple Personality Disorder, so sue me,_ griped the little voice.

"The Ninetails is schizopanic?" asked Naruto.

_Close enough,_ said the little voice. _Ahem. The girl is obviously sick._

"She's sick?!" asked Naruto, going into a panic. "Ohmygosh! WhatamIgonnado?"

_Learn a special supersecret new jutsu!_ whispered the voice.

"Oh? A new jutsu!" asked Naruto, going from panicked to excited. "What do I need to do?!"

_First. Put the girl down._

THUMP!

_On. The. Bed._

"Oh, sorry," said Naruto, realizing his mistake and correcting it. "So what's this new jutsu?"

_I'll have to flash teach you,_ said the voice with a hint of regret. _Sadly, there's no time for the usual insanely-painful-yet-strangely-effective training methods usually used for it. As to the name, it's called magic._

* * *

"She fainted?!" exclaimed one of the watching jonin.

"Not that surprising," growled her father. "She's always been frail. Meek. Worthless."

"Huh? Who said that?" asked Naruto in the monitoring sphere.

"Who is he talking to?" asked the Hokage.

"I got a Demon Fox in me? You don't sound like a Demon Fox," said the image-Naruto.

"WHAT?!" yelled most of the people present in the room.

"QUIET!" roared the Hokage.

"The Ninetails is schizopanic?" asked image-Naruto.

"What?" asked a jonin.

"She's sick? Ohmygosh! WhatamIgonnado?" panicked image-Naruto.

"She just fainted you moron," the head of the Hyuga clan informed image-Naruto. Not that image-Naruto could hear.

"How can he be talking to the Ninetailed Demon Fox?!" asked another jonin.

"What's 'schizopanic'?" asked another jonin.

"QUIET!" repeated the Hokage.

"It's strange," said Yamato. "I'm barely getting any feel for the awakening of the fox. Almost as if he's buried deep..."

"I don't understand," said image-Naruto. "What do you mean 'the sealing split you into a good demon-fox and a bad demon-fox'. So you're 'Inari' and the bad one 'Ninetails' - but aren't you just one Demon Fox?"

"Eh?" asked Yamato who wasn't used to feeling as clueless as Naruto.

"So about this new technique," said image-Naruto. "You're going to teach me now? It'll help Hinata?"

"Ha," said Hinata's father. Hiashi. "There's no help for her."

"What do you mean he's wrong? Who's wrong?" asked image-Naruto.

"You're very rough on your daughter," noted Kakashi.

"You want to teach Hinata some special manuever so she can kick her father's butt? Why?" asked image-Naruto.

"My eldest daughter has been nothing but a disappointment," said Hiashi.

"Well, what kind of thing has he said to her?" asked image-Naruto.

"Her younger sister is the heir, not her," said Hiashi. "Hmph. Unimportant and family business anyway. Kindly keep your nose out of it."

"He said WHAT to her?!" asked image-Naruto. "Man. From your own father? Are you sure?"

"What's he going on about anyway?" asked Hiashi.

"So, go ahead," said image-Naruto, "do whatever it is you need to do if it'll help her. Eh? So what if it'll hurt a littleaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGH!"

"This is it, the Demon Fox is breaking loose," said Hiashi.

"It doesn't look like the Demon Fox," said the Hokage, studying the image.

"It doesn't feel like the Demon Fox," said Yamato, ready to run containment if that changed.

The Hokage leaned closer, further scrutinizing the image as Naruto seemed to gain a little extra height and muscle mass.

* * *

[Welcome to Photoshape Character Editor  
Cut and paste operation complete.  
Using blend tool.  
Main target: Naruto Uzumaki  
Import source: Accessing

Toltiir set things up quickly and efficiently. After all, the BEST pranks required planning and quick and efficient setup.

Oh yes, here we go.

[Character Editor active.

Character 2: Dimitri Maximoff.

Importing 'Midnight Bliss' Name change to 'Forced Transformation Jutsu: Oiroke No Jutsu II'

Technique transforms target into 'female centerfold' version with minimal equipment.

For substantial chakra penalty, transformation can be made permanent.]

Toltiir nodded. Now for MORE fun.

[Loading new character.

Character 2: Lina Inverse  
CAUTION: spells requiring calling upon mazoku will not function in Naruto-line universes due to lack of Mazoku.]

Toltiir frowned at that, then made what he considered an appropriate change.

[Spell source adaptation to appropriate magical entities within Naruto universe - done.

Copying Slayers style Black Magic.

Adapting 'Forced Transformation Jutsu: Oiroke No Jutsu II' into spell style to manage chakra requirements.]

Toltiir considered for a moment, then added something.

[Adding Talent: Fuuinjutsu  
Improving handwriting and reading skills.]

Toltiir nodded as he pondered the resulting individual. Maybe this?

[Adding Spell: Transformation Trap  
Trap uses Sealing Techniques to force a physical transformation upon the victim. End result is random but 90% likely to be small and largely inoffensive.]

Toltiir considered that briefly, thinking it was all likely to be amusing, before deciding to change it so that Minato Namikaze was the Fire Daimyo's brother who left to become a ninja rather than be a pawn in power politics. The Fire Daimyo not having any heirs, this has possibilities for REALLY screwing up things.

Toltiir smirked as things were backtracked, swapped around, then shifted into place.

Simply enough, the Fire Daimyo was the older brother of Minato. Minato having taken the name Namikaze in order to become a ninja. And he had indeed become a powerful ninja and eventually Hokage. Then Minato Namikaze died, apparently childless.

Except of course that Minato Namikaze had a child named Naruto Uzumaki. The Fire Daimyo not having any children or heirs meant that political hacks were circling like sharks. So the Fire Daimyo knew about his brother Minato, and the Third Hokage knew that Naruto was Minato's son. Neither knew what the other knew at present or else Naruto would never even make it to the chunin exam before getting involved in the whole sordid mess.

Still, there had to be a few details put into place so that the two COULD make that connection. Wouldn't do at all to have it never come out.

Maybe the Chunin Exam at the very latest.

Hmmm. What else to do? Heh. The whole handsome warrior-prince thing? Having a genetic upgrade sounded appropriate, didn't it?

+2 Strength  
+5 Intelligence  
+5 Will  
+10cm height  
+10cm hair length  
+ Fire Affinity

Really, what was the multiverse coming to if the lord of the Land Of Fire didn't have some nifty fire abilities?

Oh, now THAT was an idea. A bloodline relating to fire? Gold or purple was the color of nobility, so something along those lines? Maybe a sword? A big damn sword that would only appear in the hands of someone with the appropriate bloodline?

What else could royalty use?

+5 Charisma  
Ability to detect lies  
+ Water Affinity  
+ Earth Affinity  
+ Wood Affinity  
Ability to win friends and influence people +50%

Yeah, that might just work. Mind you, he'd probably never use half of it because he'd be focussing on Slayer's style magic. The more options though, the more opportunity for ridiculously bizarre things down the road.

He didn't micromanage after all. Set up the joke and wait to see how it played out, much more amusing.

* * *

Some things remained the same.

"Team 7. Jonin Kakashi Hatake. Sasuke Uchiha. Sakura Haruno. Naruto Uzumaki."

Some things remained MOSTLY the same.

"You'll be my rival from now on, Naruto! So swears Konohamaru! Believe it!"

"Uhm. Don't bother with the 'believe it' - future Hokage have to have a catch phrase that sounds a bit more dignified."

Some things were altered a bit more.

* * *

_SPLUT!_

Kakashi blinked once as the pie fell away from his face. "What's this?"

"Banana creme pie," said Naruto, scratching his head. "Ya know, I really expected you to duck or something. Maybe demonstrate some incredible pie-trap-dodging jutsu."

"Where did you GET such a thing?" asked Kakashi, accepting a towel from the genin.

"I've got all sorts of stuff sealed into scrolls, I'm pretty good at fuuinjutsu ya know," said Naruto.

"Hmmm, how can I say this?" said Kakashi, wiping pie off his face. "I don't like you guys."

"Hey, it ain't MY fault you didn't take the cue to show off how awesome your ninja skills are," complained Naruto.

"Roof, now. We'll go over it as soon as I finish getting this pie off," said Kakashi.

* * *

"Well, let's begin with introducing yourselves," said Kakashi, fresh mask now in place, though he was still getting the smell of bananas.

"What do you want to know?" asked Sakura.

"How about your likes, dislikes, dreams for the future, things like that. I think that's the expected response," said Kakashi, checking his seat for traps before sitting down.

"Why not introduce yourself first?" asked Naruto. "Ain't that the way it usually goes?"

"Yeah, you're kind of suspicious," chimed in Sakura.

"I'm Kakashi Hatake," said Kakashi. "I'd tell you more, but then I'd have to kill you."

Naruto snorted. Sasuke rolled his eyes. Sakura frowned.

"Your turn," said Kakashi. "You first, blondie."

"Naruto Uzumaki, I like spells that go boom," said the blond kid. "I like ramen. I like learning new jutsu and spells. I dislike... something that's an S-class secret that I kinda wish I didn't know myself. My dream is to be the greatest sorcerer in existence and have people acknowledge me."

"'sorcerer'?" asked Sakura, looking as if she was about to belt Naruto on general principles.

"'Sorcerer' 'Jutsu master' - whatever you want to call it," said Naruto. "I gave a full description of my clan's 'hijutsu' to the Hokage, I think he was putting it in the private ANBU files. You ought to check it out, sensei."

"Uh huh," said Kakashi. "Next, you, broodie."

Sasuke mouthed the word 'broodie' for a moment. "My name is Sasuke Uchiha. There are lots of things I dislike, and I don't really like anything."

"What about that melon bread they sell over near the East Gate?" asked Naruto.

"Okay, there's one thing I sort of like," amended Sasuke, before pulling his air of brooding loner around himself again. "I can't really call it a dream, but I have the ambition of killing a certain someone and then reviving my clan."

"And lastly, the pinky," said Kakashi.

"Uh yeah," said Sakura. "Sakura Haruno. The thing, I mean, the person I like is... and my uhm dream for the future is... my hobby is... What I dislike is NARUTO!"

"Yeah yeah, fine," said Naruto.

"Okay," said Kakashi. "Now that we've gotten the introductions out of the way, we can start duties tomorrow."

"Okay, what kind of duties?" asked Naruto, standing up and flicking his cloak straight. "Some sort of team building exercise or something?"

Kakashi blinked, not having expected that response. "Something with just the four of us. Survival training."

"Training? Haven't we trained enough at the Academy?" asked Sakura.

"This isn't normal training," said Kakashi. "This time I'm your opponent. Heh heh. This is going to really freak you out."

"This is revenge for the pie isn't it?" asked Naruto. "Dang it, I knew I should have used the blueberry!"

"No, this has nothing to do with pie," said Kakashi. "All the new graduates are getting another test. This one will fail two-thirds of the graduates who will end up sent back to the Academy or banned from being ninja altogether."

"WHAT?!" screeched Sakura.

"Pfeh," said Sasuke.

"Oh," said Naruto. "Well, maybe I can become a wandering sorcerer or something if we fail. Hey, Sasuke, you want to be my brooding tragic sidekick?"

"Pfeh," repeated Sasuke.

"It'd get you away from your fangirls," said Naruto.

"Hmmmm," hmmmed Sasuke, suddenly seeing a certain attractiveness in the idea.

Kakashi sighed. This just was NOT working out how he had thought it would. "Anyway, tomorrow bring your ninja tools. Prepare your best techniques. And don't bother eating breakfast as you'll probably just throw it up anyway."

* * *

He didn't need to read up on it, wasting his time on something like that.

He knew better, after all. Much more experienced. No, tomorrow was the bell test and there was no way this little group would pass. Then they'd go back to the Academy and might actually be ready for it next year.

* * *

"Hang on, something just broke the wards," said Naruto, beginning to seal things back up in the great big scroll he'd pulled out of his backpack.

"Hnnn," said Sasuke, finishing off a muffin. "I didn't know you could cook."

"Yeah, I find it relaxes me when I'm stressed," said Naruto. "Learned how when I learned my hijutsu. I'm one of those guys who's just gotta be DOING something, I guess."

"Hnn," agreed Sasuke. Well, maybe having the dobe on the team wouldn't be a complete loss. If he could cook and procure supplies, he'd contribute at least.

Sakura's stomach growled as the food disappeared, her expression indicating some doubt as to whether her decision to abstain had been correct.

Kakashi came out of the woods five minutes later, explaining that he'd gotten lost on the road of life. He also sniffed the air as if he scented something amiss.

The usual speech was given.

"We have to come after you with killing intent," said Naruto.

"Yes, that's what I said," agreed Kakashi.

"Kunai, shuriken, and any other ninja tool we might have," stated Naruto.

"Yes, and why are you making me repeat myself?" asked Kakashi.

"You want us to go FULL out?" asked Naruto.

"That's what I just said," said Kakashi with a hint of exasperation.

Naruto stared for a moment, then shrugged. "Okay. So we get a new jonin after you're dead?"

Kakashi paused for a moment at the absolute certainty the genin managed to convey in that simple statement. Thinking back to what he'd heard in the jonin lounge, he nodded. "If you manage to incapacitate me, I'll say in front of these two witnesses that I recommend Kurenai Yuhi add you to Team 8."

Naruto cocked his head at that, then nodded. "Okay then. It was nice meeting you, Kakashi-sensei."

"It's the weakest dog that barks the loudest," said Kakashi.

Naruto began making gestures in the air, which would have looked silly if trails of light hadn't started trailing his fingers and a wind started to blow in a tight circle around him. "Darkness beyond twilight. Crimson beyond blood that flows. Buried in the stream of time is where your power grows."

"Uhm, Naruto?" asked Sakura as Naruto put his hands around a ball of glowing energy. The fact that all the tiny hairs on the back of her neck and along her arms were slowly rising was indication to her that this might not be terribly safe. Well, that and she had a shadow from the little ball of whatever.

"I pledge myself to conquer all the foes who stand before the mighty gift bestowed in my unworthy hands!"

"I didn't say 'begin'," pointed out Kakashi, vanishing to reappear behind the genin.

* * *

Naruto switched to something fast and close-range, having not intended to use the Dragon Slave anyway.

"MONO VOLT!" Naruto's hand whipped out and a spray of lightning arced towards Kakashi.

Kakashi used Substitution Jutsu with the nearest object of sufficient mass. Which turned out to be Sakura.

"Wha-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-AH!" exclaimed Sakura as she was left electrocuted, paralyzed, with her hair resembling some pink koosh ball, and really wishing she'd had something to eat since lunch the previous day.

"I didn't say 'begin'," repeated Kakashi.

"We're ninja," pointed out Naruto. "Breaking the rules while following its spirit is definitely a ninja thing. FREEZE BULLET!"

"Hmmm," acknowledged Kakashi, dodging and leaping back. "Good rejoinder. You have the Snappy Dialogue During Combat down."

"Thanks, I try," said Naruto. "Gray Buster! Oh, Sasuke, you might want to hang back. Either I'll tire him out enough for you to take him on, or I'll immobilize him and you can hit him then. FLARE... ARROW!"

Sasuke frowned, but held back. Naruto seemed to have lots of jutsu, but Kakashi was dodging and whirling and his one visible eye seemed to indicate some panic. Still, Naruto's plan seemed kind of sound and allowed him to make the finishing move.

_So, he does understand something of teamwork?_ Kakashi managed to think as he avoided yet another arrow of flame launched in his direction. "Lesson one. Taijutsu."

The kick took Naruto in the side of the head and caused him to spin around in midair before hitting the ground.

"I thought you were going to tire me out," said Kakashi.

"FOX FIRE!"

"What?" asked Kakashi as suddenly he had a glowing yellow aura.

Another Naruto came out of the bushes. "Now you can't hide, Kakashi-sensei."

"A kage bunshin?" asked Kakashi as the Naruto on the ground got to his hands and knees slowly.

"Yeah, I hid in the bushes while waiting for you," said the clone. "Now, Sakura!"

"Gkkk," managed the still paralyzed and sparking kooshball-Sakura.

"Okay, maybe that wasn't quite how it was supposed to go," acknowledged Naruto. "Let's try this! FIRE BALL!"

Kakashi leapt, dodged, and noticed the way Naruto was suddenly grinning. Which led him to see the glowing rune appearing where he was about to land.

Kakashi used Substitution again. Again on Sakura, who managed to wince and close her eyes before everything abruptly shifted.

"Okay, that wasn't supposed to happen," said Naruto.

"WHAT?! I'm... WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?!" exclaimed Sakura.

"It'll wear off," said Naruto. "I think."

"WHAT?!" exclaimed the pink panther. "I'm a freaking CAT!"

"Calm down," said Sasuke, scratching the girl-turned-panther behind an ear and eliciting a grumbling purr, "we still need to get those bells."

"He's still hiding in that tree," pointed out Naruto.

"Sakura, you're a talking panther," pointed out Sasuke. "Panthers can climb trees."

The pink panther shook herself, blinked, and then smiled with a mouthful of very sharp teeth. "Okay. Let's do this."

"If he gets away from you, RUN," suggested Naruto. "I'll use a wide-area destruction spell, and it should at least injure him. Then if both of you rush in after the blast wave, you should be able to get the bells while he's disoriented."

Sakura and Sasuke glanced at each other and nodded.

* * *

_Okay, they're doing teamwork. Strategies being discussed. Naruto is throwing jutsu around he shouldn't even know about, much less be able to cast._ Kakashi held up a hand and determined that he was still glowing like a lantern. _At night, this would be a major disadvantage. Hidden in a tree at this distance, I'm safe for the moment. Wait a minute, what's he..._

A pink panther suddenly appeared and leapt at him, claws slashing.

Kakashi leapt, hearing a loud click as teeth snapped within an inch of his ear. _Okay, this is getting a little bizarre. I'd hoped to at least get some reading of my book done, but this hasn't been going at all normally._ "Try this. Magen: Narakumi no Jutsu!"

"AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" screamed the panther, collapsing immediately and frothing at the mouth.

(ZIPPPP!) went Sasuke, bounding past Kakashi to grab Sakura and head away from the jonin, accelerating wildly.

_What the - why is he ignoring... uh oh._ Kakashi slowly looked back to where Naruto was.

"-in my unworthy hands," finished Naruto. "DRAGON SLAVE!"

* * *

"-and so that's what happened," finished Naruto.

"You two confirm this?" asked the Hokage.

"Hnnn," said Sasuke with a smirk and nod.

"How long am I going to be a CAT?!" exclaimed Sakura.

"Well, when I set it up it was for a one-day thing," said Naruto, "so probably it'll only last until midnight."

"'probably'?" asked a pink panther as it bared claws.

"If not, there's a dispel, it's just expensive," said Naruto.

Sakura was about to protest but then Sasuke's hand found an itch along her neck and anything she had to say was promptly forgotten.

The Hokage glanced behind him at the wall of ANBU. "So, this is all Kakashi's fault. I see."

* * *

**A/N:**

So yeah, Danzo should assign a member of ROOT named Clouseau to keep an eye on Team 7. Team 7 having a number of bizarre adventures, Rock Lee getting called "Keitou" every so often. Sakura switching back and forth between panther and human forms as the first attempt to fix the polymorph goes wrong and she merely gets some sort of trigger for the shapeshift. (Maybe she's human when calm?) 


	9. Chapter 9: Here's Naruko?

**Another Fistful Of Omake**

by Greylle

DISCLAIMER: Original series belong to someone else.  
NOTE: The following are just ideas that are not currently being pursued. Anyone wanting to use or continue them are welcome to, just credit me for the initial twist OK?

As for the game mechanism, a tip of the hat to Chibi-Reaper, both here and in the story itself. ^_^

* * *

"Well, I dunno," said future-Naruto. "I mean. That is."

The elder god sighed.

_BAMF!_

Naruto looked around, then down at himself. It was his adult age, and he was wearing the strangest clothing. "What the heck am I wearing?"

**Business suit,** said the black cat as it considered the huge empty warehouse they were apparently in.

_BAMF!_

A large box appeared in the center, marked [Suggestions].

**Let's see,** said the elder god of mischief, going to the box and fishing around in it. A paw emerged, holding up a manuscript.

**Hmmm. Naruto has Cthulhu sealed inside him? No, that would get pretty icky.**

Another box, this one marked [Rejects] appeared next to the [Suggestions] box. The Cthulhu Manuscript immediately went into the [Rejects] box as the cat reached for another suggestion.

**Hmmm, 'Chibi-Reaper'? Some shinigami? Let's see. Oh. I can use this. Maybe hit Ranma with it sometime when I get back to him?**

* * *

_elsewhere:_  
"I dunno, I just got this really horrible chill, so naturally I thought Akane was cooking something special..."

"Uhm."

"She's right behind me, isn't she?"

A girl in yellow growled wordlessly at the pigtailed boy.

* * *

The cat waved a paw.

The warehouse was suddenly filled with statues that looked rough and unfinished. They didn't show any details just being rough figurines.

The cat waved his tail.

The pedestals of each statue abruptly had two buttons, both a dull gray.

The cat bumped his hips.

A few statues changed in appearance. On those that changed, the buttons on their pedestals changed colors so that one was red and the other a friendly green.

"What the heck?" asked Naruto.

**Definitely going to have to do this with Ranma Saotome at some point,** rumbled the cat as he considered details.

"What is all this?" asked Naruto.

_BONK!_

"Ouch," said Naruto as some big sign had just lowered from the ceiling on huge chains to bonk him on the head.

When he backed up to look at it, Naruto blinked a few times to make sure he was reading it right.

**NARUTO  
Ninja Raising Project**

"WHAT?" demanded Naruto.

_Clik!_ A smaller sign unlatched beneath the first sign.

**[This Videogame Rated M for Mature]**

"My life is a videogame?" asked Naruto.

**Right,** said the cat. **Each of the statues is a different path your life could have taken. In some cases with a little help from myself. Some of them you've got to unlock within the game itself.**

"Huh?" asked Naruto, looking around at all the rough-hewn statues and then moving to one of the finished-looking ones in particular.

It was his Centerfold Jutsu form, except that she was wearing clothes. It was kind of weird seeing his girl-form like that. Her clothes were odd too. Looked almost like something Tenten would wear. Some kind of dark blue with lighter blue trim.

Naruto checked the pedestal the statue was on, finding that there was writing in a little box that wasn't on the unfinished ones.

_[Naruko. Unlocked by Centerfold Jutsu.  
Naruko's Strength and Stamina are lower than Basic Naruto, while her Intelligence and Chakra Control are higher.  
Naruko's childhood is rougher than Basic Naruto. As a result she's less extroverted and her stealth abilities are much greater.]_

"Huh," said Naruto as he read that. It'd be kind of weird living life as a girl, but then if he gave it a try maybe he could understand girls.

**If you choose an avatar, you can pause your life. Sorry, I mean 'game' and then go to the [Main Menu] or choose a help file.**

Naruto glanced to where the black cat was apparently playing around in front of some sort of gadget that required him to drag a mouse (a very unhappy mouse from the occasional squeak) with one paw while typing away at a keyboard with another paw while sketching things on a stylus with another paw while composing music over there and pedalling some generator.

"Okay," said Naruto, glancing around at the colored statues as he tried to figure this out.

Naruto checked and found that the pedestals had information on the other sides as well. On the right of the Basic Naruto was:

**Ninjutsu:**2, **Taijutsu:**1.5, **Genjutsu:**1, **Intelligence:**1, **Strength:**2, **Speed:**2, **Stamina:**4, **Hand Seals:**1.

"Huh," said Naruto as he checked out the same thing on the girl-type Naruto.

**Ninjutsu:**2, **Taijutsu:**1.5, **Genjutsu:**2, **Intelligence:**2, **Strength:**1, **Speed:**2, **Stamina:**3, **Hand Seals:**1.5.

'Okay," said Naruto, glancing around at the colored statues as he tried to figure this out."Hey, how come there are TWO Naruko?"

**One's the female child of your parents whose life paralleled your own,** said the cat. **The other one went with Jiraiya after she encountered some additional hostility. That one is... formidable.**

"More formidable than me?" asked Naruto, glancing at the second female Naruto.

**If the you of that time fought that version of you, she wouldn't even break a sweat handing you your buttocks,** said the cat as he continued to work.

"No way," said Naruto. "How could that be?"

**Your Basic Naruto is stronger physically, but Sannin Naruko is better at technique, is a fair hand with genjutsu, and is pretty good with the ninjutsu Jiraiya taught her,** responded the cat. **She'd slap a genjutsu on you before you could summon shadow clones and convince you that you were actually her best friend. She'd leave you with a flattened wallet and convinced you'd just had a really hot date with her.**

"You're kidding," said Naruto.

**In the initial test of the timeline, she did that to Kiba in the Chunin Exams.**

"Eh," said Naruto by way of comment. THIS version of Naruko was dressed a bit differently, having some sort of stringed instrument across her back, wearing a blue that matched her eyes. The stance though - that was familiar. Arms crossed in front of her, feet widely spaced, grinning and looking as if she was ready for whatever the world was going to throw at her - because she was ready to kick its behind.

**There we go,** said the cat as a bunch of statues abruptly shifted to color and full detail. **These are the Naruto-adopted choices.**

"Oh?" asked Naruto, seeing that they were all similar in appearance. "Why do it that way then? Why not show the family?"

**Yeesh. Picky, ain't you?**

The statues of family-Naruto disappeared, replaced by family photos hanging there in midair above the pedestals.

"Much better," said Naruto as he went to the first one.

_[Naruto Aburame]  
[While not suitable for an insect colony himself, Naruto has been adopted by the Aburame clan. He doesn't fit in well for several reasons. The fox chakra disturbs the colonies and he tends to be quite emotional by Aburame standards. On the other hand - his emotional and chakra control are greater than Basic Naruto. He has benefitted by his association with the Aburame also in that he is better educated, although by Aburame standards he's overly emotional and prone to impulsive behavior.]_

"That one's kind of weird," said Naruto, moving on to the next one.

_[Naruto Akimichi]  
[While not allowed to learn the hijutsu of his adopted family, Naruto Akimichi has benefitted from intensive practice in taijutsu and the exercise equipment available. Not to mention the amount of food. As a result, this Naruto is much stronger and faster, which he can use efficiently in hand to hand fighting. He gets along very well with his brother Choji and his friend Shikamaru.]_

"Hmm," hmmmed Naruto as he considered the picture of himself with the two parents in the background and he and Choji apparently trying to give each other a noogie. That one looked like it had possibilities actually.

Naruto went on to the next one, a little more intrigued now.

_[Naruto Haruno]  
[While adopted by a non-ninja family, Naruto has gone on to learn at the Ninja Academy with his sister Sakura. Since his sister is adamant about his grades improving, Naruto's strength is lower but his intelligence is higher. At first Sakura tried to set Naruto up with Ino, but in the last year of the Academy learned of Hinata's interest and has since devoted much time and effort to get them together.]_

Naruto decided that was weird, but it might solve a lot of problems in the long run if Sakura was his sister.

_[Naruto Hyuga]  
[Despite not having a Byakugan, there was an attempt to use the Caged Bird Seal on Naruto as a measure of control. The outcome involved Naruto being hospitalized at the age of three. An attempt to kidnap Hinata was foiled as she was in the room with Naruto, and there were many eyes constantly checking on the two due to the lack of trust towards Naruto. As a result of this, Hinata has become fascinated with medicine and becoming a medic. Naruto still suffers from the occasional blinding headache and has a driving need to prove himself similar to Rock Lee in that he has no Byakugan or similar bloodlimit while being surrounded by those whose skills are directly dependent on such.]_

"No Inuzuka?" asked Naruto, noting that the next one was [Naruto Nara].

**Nope. Already done.**

Not understanding that comment at all, Naruto just went ahead and checked the pedestal's description.

_[Naruto Nara]  
[Though not eligible to learn the hijutsu of the Nara clan, Naruto has learned a great deal of the other specialties of the clan. Tending to the herds of deer and the forests of the Nara clan, Naruto has learned much of animal care, trap-making, and medicinal Nara is quieter and more subtle than Basic Naruto, though just as likely to pull elaborate pranks.]_

"Why does he look like he's planning something?" asked Naruto.

**Gee, I wonder.**

When he got to the next one, Naruto slapped his face. "This is just wrong."

_[Naruto Uchiha]  
[After being adopted by the clan, Naruto managed to survive the Uchiha Massacre as Itachi pronounced him not worthy of being killed by him. Sasuke and Naruto consider each other brothers, though Sasuke is quite aware that Naruto never will manifest a Sharingan.]_

After seeing the scowling hateful expression on his statue's face, Naruto moved on to the next one.

_[Naruto Yamanaka]  
[Constant exposure to the clan techniques of the Yamanaka has revealed that trying to possess Naruto with the Kyubi in him is a bad idea. It has also given Naruto some odd and uncontrolled ability to glimpse possible futures.]_

_Why do I gotta choose a clan? Why can't I choose two?_

**Because if you choose TWO clans, there are two mechanisms I might choose to use. One, you fail at one clan and are then picked up by the other. Two, you get a twin sister.**

_Oh._

**Indeed.**

_This statue says Higurashi clan. Who's that?_

**Someone outside the Ninja Village. A clan of shrine priests with spiritual powers.**

_What about this one? Aoyama clan?_

**Swordpriests who use the Shinmei Ryu school of swordsmanship. It only requires minor tweaking to fit something like that in the timeline. That's the nice thing about your timeline, with the magic/jutsu angle already existing, and everyone EXCEPT ninja sort of quietly going about their business without anyone paying much attention to them, it's easy to fit in all sorts of things without much of a ripple.**

_Ripples are bad?_

**No, just messy.**

_Huh. Here's another. Hattori clan?_

**Wandering ninja unaffiliated with any village. Fairly bad-ass but with a softer side. Someone like your mother in that his own village was lost in one of the Ninja Wars, who became a refugee. Unlike your mother, was not accepted by a ninja village due to him being sufficiently powerful that he made some people nervous. Well, that and he wasn't likely to accept the role of easily-manipulated puppet without killing a few highly placed people.**

_What the heck is with this one? Why do I have long hair? What's with the outfit?_

**Oh, that's Naruto No Inari. Something different than the whole 'demon sealed inside you thing' - not a clan choosing thing at all.**

_Why do I even have to choose a clan? Couldn't I go with just being by myself? I turned out fine the first time!_

**Well, let's see how the game would rate your life until now.**

You Have Died.  
**YOU LOSE!**

Broke Nindo (6): -600  
Ignored Hinata: -100  
Broke Hinata's Heart: -100  
Needlessly Antagonized Villagers (247): -2470  
Lost Important Person (Haku): -200  
Lost Important Person (Sarutobi): -500  
Lost Important Person (Jiraiya): -200  
Lost Important Person (Hinata): -500  
Failed To Redeem Zabuza: -100  
Failed To Redeem/Save Sasuke (4): -4000  
Failed To Control Kyubi: -500  
Noncombat Skills Learned: None. -200  
Died In Combat: +200  
Died Accomplishing Mission: +200  
Beat Odds Through Sheer Determination (25): +2500  
Nakama Recruitment (21): +2100  
Saved Gaara: +1000  
**Final Score:** -3370

Rating: Man, you suck. Maybe you should just quit.

_Well, that's not so bad._

**I haven't finished adding all the flags, but I think that's the basics. You should also get 10 points for every jutsu, and get subtracted for various foot-in-mouth events. Are you sure though?**

_Well, heck maybe I should just go with THIS!_

**Okay, let's give it a try.**

_Huh? Oh heck, what did I just point at? HEY!_ (POP!)

**I'd engage in maniacal laughter right now, but with him in the timeline already, what's the point. Oh why not? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!**

* * *

"She's a girl."

_What?_

"Minato, what were you thinking? You put the Ninetailed Demon Fox in your own daughter."

_Excuse me?_

The ghostly Naruto pointed down at the crying baby. _I'm a girl?_

Ghost-Naruto shifted abruptly, becoming considerably less male in appearance.

_AGH! Waitaminute. There are buttons here. 'Fast-Forward' and 'Help' and 'Save' and 'Delete'? Well, what happens if I delete?_

**Save File 1: Normal Naruto, deleted.**

_Huh? What does that mean. Let's try help._

**Normal Naruto, male identity, deleted. Remember to Save and Save often.**

_I deleted my male self? THIS SUCKS!_

"Sounds like someone needs her diaper changed."

_How about 'Fast Forward' then? Maybe I'll find a place I can stop this and go back?_

Things blurred, the child growing slightly with the blur surrounding her.

_Uhm, if I hit it again? Oh good, it's back to normal speed. Looks like I'm a little older at least._

"Someone tried to kill her?" asked Jiraiya. "Name the person responsible. I'll make sure the body is never found."

"Already dealt with," said the Hokage. "However, someone on the Council likely instigated it."

"Name a name, I'll handle it," promised Jiraiya.

"I want you to take the child with you," said the Hokage.

"Are you nuts? I've got a spy network to maintain," said Jiraiya. "Lugging around a baby?"

"Is there anyone else I can truly trust with this?" asked the Hokage.

Jiraiya looked down at the little girl, who quieted and looked back up at him with liquid blue eyes.

"Don't look at me like that," said Jiraiya. "I can't do it!"

The baby gurgled.

"I'm entirely too busy," argued Jiraiya. "You'd be in constant danger."

The baby cooed.

"You ARE her godfather," said the Hokage. "Just pass her off as that or as the child of orphaned friends you've been stuck with."

"Both of which have the benefit of being true," admitted Jiraiya. "Absolutely not though. No. Not going to happen."

The baby girl giggled.

The Hokage looked at the way Jiraiya tickled the child under the chin while arguing that he absolutely could NOT do this.

The outcome was never really in doubt.

* * *

_Five years later:_  
"You let a little girl in here?" asked the bartender.

"Yeah," said Jiraiya, hefting the little girl onto one stool before taking the next one himself. "You do serve non-alcoholic drinks, right?"

"Well, yeah," admitted the bartender.

"She'll have a milk then, I'll have a beer," said Jiraiya. "It's a dusty road and been a dusty day."

The little blonde girl nodded.

"But..." the bartender inclined his head towards the stage.

"Naru-chan," said Jiraiya. "What do YOU think of this place?"

"It's much nicer than the last place we stopped, Unca," said Naruko. "Much cleaner."

Jiraiya raised an eyebrow at the bartender.

The bartender shook his head and simply poured the drinks.

"What about the road conditions around here? Any bandits or other hazards?" asked Jiraiya.

"Oh, just the usual," said the bartender. "Here this close to the Leaf border, there tends to be more ninja patrols."

"Hey," said Jiraiya, motioning someone he'd spotted closer. "You seem pretty good, can you show her the basics?"

Taking the coin from the older man, the musician considered that for a moment and then shrugged. "Sure I suppose."

Satisfied that he could turn his attention to his spy contacts for a few minutes, Jiraiya nonetheless kept an eye on the two.

* * *

"You're bringing a child HERE?" asked the madame.

"She's staying in the lobby, unless of course you don't think she'd be safe here?" asked Jiraiya.

"Pfeh, of course she's safe here," said the madame, waving a heavily be-ringed hand dismissively. "Still..."

"She's actually one of the reasons I picked your particular house for my business," said Jiraiya, couching his voice a bit lower.

"Eh?" asked the madame.

"Yours is a classy operation," said Jiraiya. "Some of my contacts are a bit put off by you being so upscale. Hmmm. Look at her."

The madame did look, noting the child was watching as a samisen player plucked the strings of her instrument.

"She has musical talent," said Jiraiya, his voice pitched a bit louder than when he'd been discussing meeting "business contacts" - causing some of the other customers to glance his way. "I'm on the road and have no such talents myself, so getting her an education in music..."

"Ah," said the madame, taking the hint and the folded bit of money with an inclination of her head. "I see your point."

* * *

"Uncle Jiraiya, not that I mind, but WHY am I learning this?" asked Naruko, stopping the fingering of the battered old guitar.

"Do you want the official reason or the ninja reason?" asked Jiraiya.

"Both please," said Naruko after making a show of looking for hidden eavesdroppers around their campsite.

"Officially," said Jiraiya. "It's because you have talent in that regard and I'm a doting godfather who wants his poor orphaned godchild to do well in life."

"I see," said Naruko. "I like music. Not so much the samisen though. And the ninja reason?"

"We'll have to see what instrument you prefer then," said Jiraiya. "As for the 'ninja reason' - it allows me to set up certain places to meet contacts with while maintaining my guise as a harmless wandering old pervert."

"'Harmless' - yeah sh'right," said Naruko. "So what's tonight? Kunai practice? Taijutsu?"

"I thought we'd start with a little genjutsu practice, you're showing talent in that direction," said Jiraiya. "Maybe eventually you can combine the two, casting a genjutsu through music. Then chakra control and building exercises."

Naruko scowled at the thought. "Not more tree climbing!"

"More tree climbing," said Jiraiya with a chuckle. "Next time we're near water though I'll start you on water walking."

* * *

_Waitaminute! I'm learning tree-climbing and waterwalking, when I'm FIVE?_

**Looks that way.**

_I've been gypped! Swindled! I didn't learn treeclimbing until Wave! I didn't learn waterwalking until he taught me during the CHUNIN EXAM!_

**Jiraiya didn't associate with you back then because he thought it would have served to make you more of a target, plus he was away trying to spy for Konoha.**

_THAT'S SCREWED UP!_

**Didn't say he was right. That was his primary motivation though.**

_Dirty ratzin fratzin. Fast forward, like I need to watch this part... what's this?_

* * *

_Age eight:_

"Hey!" said Naruko, drawing a startled squeak from the girl she'd surprised. "That isn't the answer you know."

"Wh-what do you know?" asked the girl.

"Well, I think if things are that bad, you should talk it over with a friend," said Naruko, latching onto the girl's hand and prying the tanto out of it. "Now come on, I've found this place where the ramen's really good."

* * *

_Was... she was going to...?_

**What did you THINK she meant when she was talking about 'going down the wrong path'?**

_So that means that I - oh man._

**So in this lifetime, as in yours, you redeemed her - showed her an alternate path. Instead of giving into despair, you gave her hope. Is that really so bad?**

_Uhm. I guess not._

**Let's just cut forward past your training, your record contract, your journey learning music and becoming an idol singer.**

_A what?_

* * *

_Sorting day:_

"Before we sort out the teams, we have one more student arriving," said Iruka. "She's already been okayed for this by the Hokage, but I'm not sure about this. Uhm, Naruko?"

Sakura petals swirled in through a window, twirled briefly near the teacher's desk, then dispersed in a burst of pink.

When they dispersed, there was a girl there with long blonde hair, bright blue eyes, and a skirt/boots/tight top/vest combination in various shades of blue. "HEYAHEY! It's Naruko!"

Everyone stared. Then jumped when one girl in the back clapped a few times before coming to an embarassed stop.

"Wow, usually in any crowd there'd be at least a few more fans," said the girl, her cheerful demeanor slipping for a moment. "HEYA HINATA!"

The embarassed girl in the back seemed to get even more so, but managed a wave and a smile anyway. "Eh to. Naruko-chan. Th-the Council has banned sales of your albums in Konoha..."

Naruko blinked at that and then muttered something Iruka could barely hear. "I swear, sometimes it seems those geezers are trying to get me to defect to another village."

"So, Naruko, can you demonstrate your knowledge of ninja techniques?" asked Iruka, wanting a change of subject from imminent village abandonment.

"Sure thing sensei!" said Naruko, back to bouncy and bubbly. "Let's see. Ah. I know! Kuchiyose no jutsu!"

(BA-DOMPF!)

"Huh, small crowd," said the toad drummer as he settled into place.

"Eh, we've worked smaller gigs," said the frog on the bass guitar.

"Okay, I did something like this in my concert in Sand," said Naruko to Iruka. "First, KAGE BUNSHIN NO JUTSU!"

Two more Naruko poofed in.

"Are we ready?" yelled the leftmost Naruko.

"Let's rock, Konoha!" yelled out the rightmost Naruko.

The band started playing something upbeat as the classroom wavered to be replaced with a land of wind-swept deserts.

"Even if the dry wind confronts me  
blowing intensively  
if I use my jutsu  
everything turns to my pace  
I will not forgive any beautiful faces  
that envy my power  
my will burns  
I won't back down!"

The desert was replaced with an ancient-seeming city with elaborate murals on the walls, Naruko could be seen running in and out of shops in various clothing.

"I want to do that I want to do this  
even if i look like a girl  
if you are off guard you'll go to hell  
because i won't tolerate annoyances!"

A brief image of Naruko using a pair of kodachi to slice her way through a group of bandits was replaced by Naruko on the bow of a ship far out at sea.

"Far away  
I want to continue my journey  
as I please  
smiling even in the difficult days."

The waves and ship faded away, replaced with a mountainscape and now Naruko was standing with a staff in one hand. Breathing fog in front of her, she stood atop a mountain crag looking out at a green landscape below her in the distance.

"Far away  
I want to finish this today  
embracing my  
and heading towards  
my infinite dreams  
get along  
Try again!"

The classroom faded back into place as the last note sounded. The summoned frogs vanished a moment later, along with their instruments.

"How was that?" asked Naruko of Iruka-sensei.

"Wha-?" asked Iruka.

"That was a Summoning Jutsu using my contract with the toads," said Naruko. "Followed by Kage Bunshin. I used various genjutsu for the visual effects, ninjutsu to provide the desert heat and the wind off the ocean, and showed you a bit of my skill with weapons in that scene with the Waga Bandits."

"Ah, I see," said Iruka. "Very well. Pass."

"Okay, I'll sit with the cutie while you go over the team stuff then," said Naruko, disappearing abruptly.

Sakura was about to have a fit about someone making the move on HER Sasuke when she realized that Naruko had reappeared and was asking if this seat was taken, and that seat was NOT next to Sasuke.

"Heya, this seat taken?" asked Naruko.

"Uhm, err, no," said a very confused Choji.

"CUTE?" asked Ino, standing up and looking nearly scandalized. "Why are you calling CHOJI 'cute'?"

"Well, cause he is," said Naruko. "I'm pretty good at people. You're just a big teddy bear, aren't you?"

"Uhm, err, Shikamaru?" asked Choji, who literally had NO idea how to handle something like this.

"Troublesome," Shikamaru pronounced. "Hey you. If you're making fun of him, you'll regret it."

"Nah," said Naruko, waving off the comment. "This is me just being friendly. Nothing more, nothing less. Unless you really prefer I sit elsewhere, cutey?"

"Uhm, no I guess, that's okay," said Choji, still looking very uncertain.

"Cool," said Naruko, flopping down.

"If you're quite done?" asked Iruka.

"Right, team assignments," said Naruko, giving the teacher a wink and a thumb's up.

"Can I ask something?" asked Kiba. "You're some kind of singer?"

"Musician, idol singer, and so on," said Naruko. "I hadn't realized until Hinata told me that I was banned in Konoha. After all, I visited every year until I was eight or so. Then I got kind of busy and Uncle Jiraiya handled that end of things."

"S-s-she's really popular outside Konoha," offered Hinata from her position.

"So, why are you HERE?" asked Kiba, not getting it. "I mean, if you're not a ninja, why get put on a ninja team?"

"Because I'm a ninja," said Naruko with a wink. "Apparently some people think I need to stick with this at least until I make chunin just to make it all official. My manager didn't have a problem with that, thought the hiatus from the singing career would actually be beneficial. So I'm an idol singer with an international repute as having a ninja village background. After I make chunin, unless something happens to change my mind, I'll probably go back to work as a singer."

Iruka didn't mention that Naruko was a spy, that she had apparently a fair number of contacts in a number of nations, and was part of an intelligence gathering operation that reported by encrypted messages to the Hokage. Other than the Hokage and Ibiki Morino (who was constantly flustered when Naruko referred to him as "cool" and "Chief") there were two other people in the Leaf Village who knew about Naruko's involvement. All Iruka actually knew was that Morino had signed off on Naruko being acceptable as a genin-candidate.

Iruka did speak up then. "Well, if you make chunin, great. In the meantime, I need to give the team assignments, so settle down."


	10. Chapter 10: Monkey Fragment

**Another Fistful Of Omake**

Chapter 10: Monkey Fragment

by Greylle

DISCLAIMER: Original series belong to someone else.  
NOTE: The following are just ideas that are not currently being pursued. Anyone wanting to use or continue them are welcome to, just credit me for the initial twist OK?

* * *

Toltiir used the program. That's what he'd built and coded it for after all.

Naruto shifted a little bit. A little more the martial artist/fight enthusiast. A little shift here and there. Still no skill at genjutsu, that would continue to be a problem for him.

On the other hand, his Gates and Channels were reworked to be able to manage what was now a HUGE reservoir of chakra.

"KAME," said Naruto, summoning that chakra. "HAME," he continued, shifting his stance. "HA!" Release.

As promised, it opened the door. And the wall after that.

"Nice!" said Naruto, wondering what now.

* * *

Hinata had a scroll to teach her the special jutsu Pinpoint Defense. Basically, she could channel chakra into her fingertips and then block darn near anything with that chakra shield if she could just move her hands fast enough to get in the way of the attack. It would be even more enhanced, said the notes, if bracers made from chakra-metal and were the focus. There were indications that this was all a stepped technique, with this just being the introductory level.

Combined with the Byakugan, Hinata could see the possibilities.

Or rather she'd be able to see the possibilities if she weren't still in a faint. She'd come out long enough to realize that she was being carried in Naruto's arms and he was hopping away to some other location. Once that had penetrated, she'd again went into an impromptu nap.

The only odd thing had been hearing some voice echoing into her head saying something about how this joke was getting old.

For some reason that comment had awoken a chill up her spine.

* * *

Naruto was disappointed as Hinata had only woken up long enough to faint again.

"Hey Pops," said Naruto as he entered the ramen bar.

"Eh? Naruto? What's with the girl?" asked Teuchi, the owner of the stand.

"She fainted or something," said Naruto. "Inaba said she might have low blood sugar or low blood pressure or something like that, so she faints a lot."

"Oh?" asked Teuchi, figuring that this 'Inaba' must be a medical ninja. Maybe a trainee or something. "I see."

"Do you got a diet ramen or something?" asked Naruto. "We got to get back to training before we get missed."

"Ah," said Teuchi, considering that. Maybe he OUGHT to add a diet ramen. Might bring in more business. "I don't have anything like that. Let's just try some broth first. That's best for people with some infirmities."

* * *

"Who knows what unspeakable things the Ninetails could be doing to that poor girl!" exclaimed the ANBU member. "He might be feeding on her still living corpse!"

"If she were a corpse, how could she be alive?" asked Kakashi, wondering what it was with ANBU lately. Half of them seemed a little... off.

"But it's the Ninetails!" said the ANBU member.

"I'm not so sure about that," said Kakashi, coming to a complete halt.

"What do you mean?" said the ANBU member just before running into a post.

Again Kakashi wondered what had been going on with ANBU of late.

"Someone moved that into my way," accussed the ANBU operative.

Kakashi REALLY wondered what had been going on with ANBU of late. "You've heard the rumors?"

"What rumors?" asked the operative.

"That it wasn't really the Ninetails that got sealed," said Kakashi. "That it was something else."

"But... that can't be..." said the operative. "Everyone KNOWS it was the Ninetails."

"We're ninja," said Kakashi. "We're supposed to keep secrets but we're also supposed to uncover the truth underneath the truth. Remember?"

Somehow you could tell under the mask that the operative was wincing. "Uh. Right. I remember that, but..."

"Does Naruto Uzumaki ACT like a rampant engine of destruction?" asked Kakashi.

"He sure did a number on that wall back there," complained the operative. "I've seen him eat. He sure acts like a rampant engine of destruction if there's food involved."

"What's your name anyway?" asked Kakashi. "Should I call you Otafuku after your mask?"

"...it was the only one left on the rack..." griped the operative. "Tambu."

"All right Tambu, what would you call that?" asked Kakashi.

Tambu looked. There, across the street, was the victim. Entrails hung out of her mouth. Oh. Wait. Those were noodles. "Uhm."

"They look more like they're on a date than anything sinister," commented Kakashi.

"Errr, well, he could be fattening her up to feast on her later?" asked Tambu.

"Are you a betting man?" asked Kakashi.

Tambu sighed and slumped where he stood. "I ain't Tsunade."

"Good man," said Kakashi, leaning against a wall and watching events progress across the street.

* * *

His budget wasn't up to his appetite, so he reluctantly had to push away from Ichiraku in order to get cup ramen later.

"Uhm, N-naruto, I, ah, really enjoyed, err," said Hinata as she tried to shrink inside her clothing.

Naruto sighed and wondered if he'd EVER understand girls. They were so weird. Hinata more than most. Still, she TRIED to be nice to him apparently. If only there were a way to relate through all the weird...

"Hey, Hinata," said Naruto abruptly. "You do really good in class and all, right?"

"W-well, ye-yes, that's right," stammered Hinata, trying to get her mind away from going over and over again the studly muscle she'd felt while being carried. Trying NOT to activate her Byakugan just a little tiny bit and see past his clothing to verify that Naruto was hiding Prime A Beefcake in there.

"How about you help me with practice sometime?" asked Naruto beaming at her. He couldn't relate to girls worth a damn, but this was ninja practice stuff. That ought to be safe, right?

Hinata nodded with a little "hmph" sound, looking so happy that Naruto thought he had managed to do something right. Then she fainted and he was left wondering what that was all about again.

* * *

Genma admitted that the floral bordering was probably fairly over the top.

**[~Announcement~**  
We are pleased to announce the engagement of Naruto Uzumaki and Hinata Hyuga in the Village Hidden In The Forest. No wedding date has been set, but please congratulate the happy couple on their formal contract of engagement. Legal paperwork has been filed, the appropriate fees paid, and we can all wish the couple all the happiness that young ninjas can obtain.

Bridal registration is being handled by Ichinose's Sundries.

Catering has been volunteered by the fine people at Shinobi Bakery and Eisen's Ninja Bagelworks for whenever the date is set.]

Whistling a happy tune, Genma finished posting the fliers he'd made, then went on to see what he could do to keep Naruto from just declaring the whole thing null and void.

Hmmm. Maybe the truth? There was always a use for that.

Just a possible future, one of many, but a glimpse into it might...

* * *

"Why? Why did she do it?" asked older Naruto, staring at the funeral bier.

"Because she loved you," said Kiba. "Don't cheapen it by denying it."

"But, but, I don't understand," said Naruto.

"The technique requires a life for a life. A life freely given," said Shino, shaking some of the water from his hood as the rain continued to pour down. "Since we knew her - she had always wanted to walk with you. To stand by your side. She just couldn't tell you that."

"Well, Akatsuki won," said Kiba. "Those of us who lived through it will have to find other places to live. Konoha's lost now."

"We have little time to make our goodbyes," said Shino. "We have enough of them."

* * *

Naruto woke, gasping for breath.

He was back in his room, still with an exhausted and sleeping Hinata on his bed.

"What a weird dream that was," said Naruto in a hushed voice as he stretched from the blankets he'd slept on. His eyes kept flicking to the girl though, as if drawn by some magnet."Yeah. Ain't no way. Couldn't happen."

* * *

"I have observed, I make my report," said Neji Hyuga, concealing his distaste for the whole thing and especially his dislike of the main branch family. Nothing would be served by giving into that or the angst-fest that was his life. No, best to be the very image of the professional ninja.

"Hnnn," grunted Hiashi as he turned his attention to the kneeling genin that was his nephew.

"Naruto Uzumaki has come into some bloodline ability. Overnight his muscle definition and mass are higher by at least an additional 50%, and his speed and strength while doing his evening and morning training is only slightly behind what I have observed from Rock Lee. His taijutsu, however, is severely flawed - his stances and movements are more suited for a street brawling civilian."

"And?"

Neji continued on. "Nothing untoward happened during the night. Uzumaki slept on blankets on the floor, while Hinata slept on his bed. The two went on their seperate ways this morning. The only thing that occurred of any note was that Hinata showed a particular determination before rolling her sleeves up and attempting a task I would have deemed impossible."

"Oh?" asked Hiashi, feeling a momentary spark of interest.

"She cleaned Uzumaki's apartment while he was training," said Neji, who was absolutely NOT jabbing a member of the main branch family. Who, him? Couldn't possibly be the case. He had no sense of humor, ask anyone.

"Oh," said Hiashi Hyuga, disappointment showing for a brief flicker of a moment. "Very well, dismissed to return to your team."

"By your leave," said Neji, inclining his head towards the clan head.

* * *

"He did what?"

"He's using an iron statue as a punching bag."

"That's nuts!"

"Actually," said Maito Gai, "it's a brilliant idea."

"You're nuts!"

"I have heard that a time or two," said Maito Gai, not particularly caring about that. All part of his brilliant 'act silly or stupid and people won't bother you with trifling idiocy' technique. He hadn't had to have his team catch that damn cat even ONCE - indicating that there was some success with that.

"How is that 'brilliant'?" asked the chunin.

"His strength is such that a wooden target would be destroyed and even an iron statue deforms under the force of his strikes," explained Maito Gai. "So it further toughens his body to strike hard metal, while continuing to challenge his strength."

"I still say it's nuts."

* * *

The various "did you hear"s and "I just heard"s and "it couldn't be true"s all died out abruptly among the members of the class who'd arrived early as if a switch had been thrown. The replacement for the whispers was a silent stare.

Naruto Uzumaki scowled. Just THAT was unusual.

Even more unusual, his hair was now long and tied back in a ponytail. For overnight, that was certainly unusual.

That he looked broader and radiated a degree of SOLID was more unusual than the hair or the unaccustomed scowl.

They were ninja or of ninja families. It was natural to react to a newcomer, or severely altered associate, in terms of Threat Assessment. Naruto Uzumaki previously had been No Threat. Naruto this morning was THREAT.

"Uhm, working out?" asked Choji, not immediately realizing a potato chip had fallen from his hands.

Akamaru, who had different priorities, pounced. He'd already determined that Naruto had moved up the food chain several links, and was unconcerned with that as there was no threat directed towards him or Kiba. Therefore, no problem. That potato chip, on the other hand, was HIS now. (_munch munch munch_) Yumm. BBQ Beef flavor.

"Bloodline ability manifested," said Naruto, having heard from the Hokage during his morning training that those three words would cover all sorts of things.

"Ahhhhhh," went the dawn of comprehension through the classroom as that was heard and then repeated for the more hearing-impaired members of the class.

Megumi pointed out to her circle of Sasuke-worshippers that this also explained the engagement rumors. If Uzumaki had a powerful bloodline, the engagement would have been to secure that bloodline and bring it into the Hyuga clan. Obviously that's all it was, and the really good part about it was that this took Hinata Hyuga completely out of the Sasuke-competition.

That Hinata never had shown any interest in Sasuke Uchiha was completely ignored. If any of the fanclub had addressed the issue they would have concluded that she was merely intelligent enough to realize she had never had a chance compared to THEM despite glimpses in the girl's dressing room of the fabled Second Bloodline of the Hyuga clan.

Hinata herself entering was mostly ignored. A few glances, a few whispers, which increased when Naruto got up from his seat to take a seat near his fiancee.

There were some odd looks at that though, mainly because Naruto was now the most muscular of the guys in the class, while Hinata was the shortest of the girls present and overall slender. Seated next to each other, Naruto practically loomed over Hinata. He also lost the scowl that had been present earlier.

"Okay," said Iruka Umino as he entered the room. "Team assignments."

* * *

The old man sat on the wall. "Well, I'm really not that thrilled with this group, so let me just fail you so that we can all get on with our lives."

"If you don't WANT a genin team, why are you even here?" asked Bulma.

"Because I made a few bad investments and had to come out of my comfortable retirement," said the old man with a sigh.

"So you're the Turtle Sage, the master of taijutsu who taught Maito Gai?" asked Krillin.

"Yes, that's me," said Roshi. "Why don't you introduce yourselves, then I'll tell you a little about the test you have to take before we go on."

"A test? We just graduated!" protested Bulma.

"Eh? Oh, that's because a lot of these ninja hold on to all that 'keep stuff hidden' and 'never do anything in plain sight' thing," said Roshi. "See, most of the graduates will fail and go back to the Academy. Two thirds I think. Now me, on the other hand, I'm pretty straightforward though. I'm a dirty old man who just wants to enjoy the peaceful retirement that I frankly feel I'm owed. If you pass the test I'll train you, and you two will master your taijutsu skills to legendary levels. You, I'm less sure about. I can help your sealing techniques, and weapons skills, but I'm not the best at genjutsu or your specialty of ninja-gadgets."

"Those things I don't need help on," said Bulma. "Ninja-gadgetry is MY specialty."

Roshi shrugged. "That's IF you pass my test tomorrow. Let's go with the introductions though. I've read your files, of course, but I'd prefer to hear from yourselves."

"I'm Bulma Briefs," said the girl, introducing herself to the other two. "Daughter of Fuuinjutsu Master Boksa Briefs and Pahnti Laine - a ninja puppeteer. My specialty is in ninja gadgets and traps. I like cute guys and my dream is to prove that ninja-gadgetry is a valid field of specialization!"

"Krillin," said the bald and short guy. "Taijutsu expert. I've spent most of my childhood with the Shaolin Monks but came to this village because there are so many taijutsu experts and my studies there had hit a wall. My dream is to become the strongest of taijutsu experts!"

"At your height, that'll be quite a trick," said Bulma sarcastically.

"Keep in mind that if we're attacked, you're gonna rely on someone to hold back attackers until you can get your gadgets working," responded Krillin.

"Enough," said Roshi, seeing this was about to spiral out of control. "You next."

"Naruto Uzumaki, I like ramen. My goal is to become Hokage," said the blonde.

"There's another realistic goal," said Bulma, rolling her eyes. "Two brawlers with fantasies, me, and a self-proclaimed 'dirty old man' - this group sucks."

"Tomorrow in training ground, oh let's go with thirteen, meet me an hour after dawn, your test begins then," said Roshi.

* * *

Reading a certain monthly magazine, Roshi swayed gently back and forth in the hammock he'd set up between two trees.

The test, to find and retrieve a set of Anko Mitarashi's panties, was dangerous in the extreme. Not something for those of delicate heart to attempt. Still, he'd relented a LITTLE bit, as Anko might be a bit much for genin. Besides, just think of the paperwork if his genin team were all killed. Anko might do it, as she did have that little tendency to go overboard from time to time.

So he'd allowed that if they couldn't get Anko Mitarashi's panties for him, that if they brought him the panties of Kurenai Yuhi instead - he'd pass one of them. He'd added a couple of other names, just to be interesting. Not that they'd ever be able to FIND any of those others. If one brought him Anko's panties and another brought him Kurenai's - he'd have to pass both. Ah, well. Ooohoooo, check out Miss February!

"Sensei! I got them!"

"Yeah, yeah," said Roshi, eyeing the centerfold. Man, if this was a farmer's daughter from the Land Of Vegetables they really knew how to grow more than turnips.

"I got one too, sensei!"

"Eh?" asked Roshi, rousing himself from the pictorial. It would remain after all. "You really got the panties... uh oh."

Anko Mitarashi stood there, looking as dangerous as she usually did anyway.

Kurenai Yuhi, on the other hand, looked significantly MORE dangerous than usual.

"I brought HERS too, Roshi-sensei," sweetly said Bulma as she approached, with an ANBU following behind. "Does that mean we ALL passed?"

"Eh? Yugao? I didn't ask for HER panties," began Roshi, suddenly realizing that was NOT helping. "I mean, you were just supposed to bring their panties not... I mean."

Anko stepped forward, snakes slithering out of the sleeves of her trenchcoat. Kurenai stepped forward, kunai appearing in her hands. Yugao, yes that was her under the ANBU mask, drew her sword.

"Uhm, byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee," said Roshi, moving so quickly that there was an audible doppler effect going.

"After him!" said Kurenai, who then paused to regard the three genin. "We'll try to leave something of your jonin instructor alive enough to pass your team, but Anko's been bored lately and that might be difficult."

Watching the three women going after their jonin instructor, the three nodded at each other and gave high-fives.

"You're sure that teamwork was the requirement here?" asked Naruto.

"Yeah, all of the jonin instructors have to do something like that," said Bulma.

"So, we've got two taijutsu specialists?" asked Krillin, eyeing Naruto and obviously wondering what his own role would be.

"Taijutsu and some ninjutsu," said Naruto, flickering in another three of himself.

"Bunshin?" asked Krillin, dismissively.

"KAGE Bunshin," corrected Naruto as one took the vacated hammock and started it swinging.

"That's rather more useful," said Bulma. "Well, like I said to pervy-sensei, I'm focussed mainly on ninja gadgets."

"I haven't been in a ninja village all that long," confessed Krillin. "What's a ninja-gadget?"

"Like this," said Bulma, rummaging in her messenger bag briefly and pulling out a sphere. "This is a special grenade. It uses one exploding tag to propel four smaller spheres with explosive tags in them outward. Two seconds later those other spheres explode. Little boom, and then four bigger booms for you taijutsu experts. Covers a bigger area and leaves the mid-range relatively clear. Still needs some work though."

"Those and puppets eh?" asked Krillin.

"Yeah, the only problem with those though is you end up concentrating on the puppet and not doing so good in the 'evading attacks yourself' department," said Bulma. "So what about you two?"

"I've trained mainly with the Shaolin Style of taijutsu," said Krillin. "It's very effective, but I could be a lot stronger. Which is why I'm here."

"I've got the basic ninjutsu of Henge, Sexy Jutsu, Kage Bunshin, and my most recent technique, the Kamehameha."

"What's it do?" asked Bulma, interested.

"KA-ME!" said Naruto, his muscles abruptly bulking up as he brought his hands back. "HA-ME." Light blossomed between his cupped hands. "HA!"

(_BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BOOM!_)

"Hmmm, went through four trees and then blew up," noted Bulma. "Right, you get position of Official Door Opener. So, myself - the beautiful and talented mistress of ninja-gadgets. Krillin, our point man and taijutsu expert. And Naruto, the guy who handles the wide area destruction stuff."

"Works for me," admitted Krillin.

"Likewise," said Naruto.

"Well, I guess you're a team then," said Roshi, suddenly popping up out of nowhere.

"How'd you get away?" asked Naruto.

"I have to keep some secrets back," protested the old man.

"THERE HE IS!"

"Gotta go," declared Roshi before scooting off again.

Author's Notes: dropped because all this really seemed to manage to do over at the AA was generate a lot of comments about how sexist Roshi was. Not a lot of other reaction, so - dropped. Maybe someone at FF would be more amused by the setup?


	11. Chapter 11: Mitternacht and Team 8

**Another Fistful Of Omake**

Chapter 11: Mid-Childa Mitternacht

by Greylle

DISCLAIMER: Original series belong to someone else.  
NOTE: The following are just ideas that are not currently being pursued. Anyone wanting to use or continue them are welcome to, just credit me for the initial twist OK?

This uses the basic Mid-Childa setup from Mjolnir, up to the point of Naruto choosing what role he plays as a mage. Further experimentation with this was done also in the Coeur Blanc option, which will be posted over here later.

* * *

It was just a matter of knowing where to go, and how to get there. For Toltiir it was a snap, just finding the right world, putting things in motion. For those of Hinata's world it was less than thirty seconds.

For Naruto, it had been four years.

* * *

"Silent Barrier!" said Naruto, his black staff thumping once on the ground. The air shimmered in a dome completely surrounding the ramen stand. "We can't be eavesdropped on or overheard until I drop this. Where to start?"

"Start with when you disappeared," said the Hokage.

"When I vanished here, I went to a world..." Naruto's voice trailed off. "It was a world at war. A terrible war. They had great and powerful magic. Everyone had access to what we'd consider miracles."

Naruto went silent again for a moment, so the Hokage asked the obvious question. "'magic'? 'miracles'?"

"Magic is another word for genjutsu and ninjutsu when neither is used by a ninja," explained Naruto. "As for 'miracles' - yeah. I've seen crystal cities with walkways stretched like threads between the towers. Other cities that floated up in the air and required flying ships and coaches to reach them. There were crystal waterfalls and forests the color of a rainbow. There were ships that could sail the skies and even beyond the skies. There was stuff like the TVs and refrigerators we've got, but - so much better. More developed."

"How long were you there?" asked the Hokage.

"I was gone for four years," said Naruto, putting a gold bar on the counter and motioning to Teuchi. "Three years in that world."

"Uhm," said the proprietor of Ichiraku's as he glanced at the Hokage and the others with Naruto.

"All that is said here is secret," said Naruto. "Unless you say different, sir?"

"Just call me what you used to, Naruto, I'm still getting used to the difference in your attitude," said the Hokage. "As for the proprietor and his daughter, I'm sure they hear many secrets and know how to keep them to themselves."

Teuchi nodded and set the bowl in front of Naruto before moving back to the stove to give the authorities their privacy. Never mind at the moment that Naruto had just paid enough for Ramen For Life. That was a concern for much later.

Naruto ate slowly, clearly savoring each sip or bite, speaking only in between feeding himself. "That world was at war and I arrived in the middle of it. There were three sides. The Prosperity Alliance, the Defensive Union, and the Progressive Powers. They'd been fighting for maybe four years before I arrived, and it looked as if the Progressives were on the losing end. They created a sort of 'weak point' in reality, trying to summon powers to them. They got it."

"Ah, so they got you because of THAT then," guessed the Hokage as he indicated a "#3" to the ramen shop owner. Some hot broth would feel good on his throat.

"Yeah, that was what THEY figured too," said Naruto. "They might have tried tearing it loose too, except they got a bigger fish. A god from another world in the process of dying, killed by another god, and they bound it in a sword. Doing it cracked their fortress in half. Which is when I escaped."

"A sword?" asked the Hokage, glancing at the staff.

"Mitternacht can take the forms of a key, a staff, or a sword," said Naruto. "Depending on what I'm doing with her. Anyway, when everything was going wrong and something else was trying to get in through their rift, I grabbed the sword and escaped. Before I got completely out of there though, I had Mitternacht seal the rift since it had lost enough energy she could do that."

The staff pulsed, a deep red that started in the middle and rippled out to the ends before fading.

"Hello, Mitterunachtu," said the Hokage, playing a hunch. "Thank you for being a friend to Naruto."

The staff pulsed again.

"She's not much of a talker," explained Naruto. "We wandered that world. Mitternacht used her Absorb Magic ability to defend us from some stuff. I used Shadow Clones and what she could teach me to survive otherwise. Everybody escalated their efforts. The war got worse. Lots worse. The war didn't stop with the soldiers and such, civilians got caught in the fighting. It didn't matter who you were, you were someone's enemy."

The ANBU who were present stirred, and the Hokage sighed. Those old enough remembered what it was like before the Fourth killed enough of the other side that peace could be accepted. "Sounds like the last Ninja War. It's why we hold onto peace as fiercely as we do."

"Yeah," said Naruto. "I held on. Linked up with others. There was a community, a few mages from the Defensive Union on this really big island. Survivors there, four or five families. When the fighting finally stopped, I went wandering again. Found this old guy. Bunch of others. Place called the Springfield Farm where they'd retreated to when it all went to hell."

The Third Hokage looked at Naruto, saw his eyes, and felt like shedding a tear for the lost innocence. He'd seen so much of it destroyed in the War, the constant battles and death taking its toll on the living. He'd placed the look the moment Naruto had returned to them.

"The TSAB, that's Time/Space Administration Bureau, found our world after a few months. The old man applied for refugee status. We got out. Some of the people from Mid-Childa are apparently researching that world now."

"I see," said the Hokage.

Naruto's cool gaze regarded the Hokage briefly. The sadness and loss on the old man's face said volumes. "Yeah. Guess you do at that." You didn't need to lose a whole world to get into that feeling of helpless loss. To see people you care about dying on a daily basis. In the short term you got numb, in the long term - you found a way to deal with it or it drove you mad.

"Still want to be Hokage, even though you might have to lead your people if there's a war?" asked Hiruzen Sarutobi.

Naruto finished slurping up the last bit of ramen. "Yeah. Actually. More than ever. Though if anyone declares war on Konoha, me and Mitternacht are going to have a few things to say to them."

The staff pulsed again, somehow giving the impression of agreement with that sentiment.

"So what's the plan?" asked Naruto. "I'm back but I'm sixteen."

"You could always use a henge to look younger, but I've got a cover I can circulate about a time/space jutsu gone wrong," said the Hokage. "The problem will be getting people to accept you. You can't simply command something like that, even if you're the Hokage."

"Yeah, you've tried that before," said Naruto humorlessly.

"You say you've been gone four years," said the Hokage. "Yet when you returned, not a full minute had passed. Hinata is... confused and concerned."

"So what's the plan?" repeated Naruto.

"I pass the word around about you getting caught in an experimental time/space jutsu, aging four years and returning to us," said the Hokage. "That'll explain the changes. Everything else will be up to you. It might help if we put you back on the same path you were, which would be placement on a genin team. That will give me time to work on some of the other problems involved."

"Uh huh," said Naruto. "Gonna be strange to see everyone after all this time."

The Hokage sat on his stool and regarded Naruto briefly. "I have some ideas further but first there are specific questions I need answered."

"Okay," said Naruto. "Go ahead."

"The answers I need are not from you," said the Hokage, looking pointedly at the staff.

Ripples of red light went up the crystalline black staff.

Naruto smirked. "Told you."

"My apologies if this is impolite, but as the Hokage of this village, I must know," said the Hokage, addressing the staff directly despite the obvious confusion of the ANBU.

[Very well.]

"What are your intentions? I know Naruto enough to read him somewhat, four years' journey to the side. You, however, I do not know. Nor do I count among my skills the ability to read the body language of a weapon."

The staff pulsed red a few times, then similar ripples of blue flowed along its length. [As Naruto told you, I am Mitternacht.]

"Yes, he said that you were a god that died," said the Hokage. "What are YOUR goals now?"

The staff rippled with light a bit, some red, some blue. The ripples when it spoke coincided with the words, so the Hokage thought that these other ripples indicated some internal dialogue or conflict.

[When I died, there were others. Allies. Followers. Those I was responsible for. While I and Naruto wandered, we saw many dead innocents. Children. Civilians. Lovers who died embracing as they waited for the end.]

"And you feel responsibility for them?" asked the Hokage.

[I couldn't help. Couldn't save them. Then I saw what had been done to Naruto, and an idea occurred. While we wandered, I gathered power. There was much magic hurled against me, and that I drank deep. Other times I sipped lightly rather than disperse the defenses. And while I cannot bring them back, there may be something yet that can be done. Some measure of their will may yet continue.]

"Something of Naruto's... ah," said the Hokage. "Spirit binding?"

[Yes.]

"What were you a god OF, anyway?" asked the Hokage.

[Magic, what you call jutsu and of what you call chakra.]

"You must have been a fairly powerful god then," observed the Hokage.

[Neither powerful enough, nor wise enough, apparently.]

Hiruzen Sarutobi smiled at that. There was an old shinobi saying to that effect. "I cannot say that sticking other people's spirits in any of my people is something I would encourage."

[Informed consent would be required in such a thing, but the plan changed after Mid-Childa.]

"Oh?" asked the Hokage, prompting the staff.

[I must conserve energy. Naruto, if you would?]

"Okay," said Naruto, holding his hand out. The staff condensed to a single large marble of black within a slightly larger red-tinted sphere.

The Hokage waited until Naruto had slipped the marble into a pocket inside his vest.

"Mid-Childa is a land with very advanced magic, and they use magic wands and equipment called Intelligent Devices," explained Naruto. "They'll be contacting you before long I suspect. Anyway, Mitternacht was thinking of making items along those lines - except instead of a manufactured spirit-"

"I still don't like the idea of them not simply being sent on to the afterlife properly," said the Hokage, who really hadn't expected to have any conversations about the subject.

"In this case they didn't go on to a proper afterlife," said Naruto with a shrug. "That's a plan for the future anyway."

"How soon can I speak to these people of 'Mid-Childa'?" asked the Hokage.

"How soon do you want to?" asked Naruto. "As soon as I contact them, they'll probably have missions for me to do."

"What kind of missions?" asked the Hokage, thinking of D-Ranks.

"What do you send ANBU to do?" asked Naruto.

The ANBU and the Hokage all looked at Naruto. Naruto looked back.

"I see," said the Hokage, momentarily taken aback.

"Yeah," said Naruto. "It's going to be odd trying to go back to my old life. And Hinata's engaged to me. She's still twelve and I'm sixteen. Hope she can settle for being my 'little sister' for a while. Unless she just wants out of it."

[No.]

"No?" asked Naruto, fishing the marble out of his pocket. "I thought you'd gone into hibernation."

[I continue to reserve the right to speak if you're going to make a Damn Fool Mistake.]

"What makes you think it would be a mistake?" asked Naruto. "I mean she faints around me all the time, won't look directly at me, and she won't hardly talk to me."

[Give her time.]

Naruto shook his head and put the marble back in that pocket.

"So what's your specialty within ninjutsu?" asked the Hokage.

"Arcane magic, some divine, but mainly Extended and Amplified spells, assassin techniques, army killers, things for taking down monsters and enemies that are big and powerful," said Naruto.

"Well, then," said the Hokage, getting up. "Contact them soon. I'll need to meet with them before you go on any missions, of course. Team announcements are tomorrow morning. I'll tell you though, I'm going to arrange something different from how it would go normally."

* * *

"So," said Kurenai Yuhi. "Originally I was going to have a Surveillance-oriented team. I just came from a meeting with the Hokage however."

"You might want to go over some of the materials," said Naruto, standing up and coming to something resembling attention. "I take it you'll be the commanding officer?"

"I generally run things more along the line of teacher to students," said Kurenai, glancing towards Hinata. "There will be a third genin?"

"Yes sensei," said Naruto, inclining his head. "Someone from the TSAB will be along. They are curious about this world and our society, and having an operative imbedded on one of our ninja teams was seen as a preferable method for gathering intelligence. The Hokage is negotiating the details, but saw this as an opportunity to strengthen Konoha by alliance with offworld civilizations."

"That touches on some of the concepts I'm trying to get my head around," admitted Kurenai. "Hinata? Do you have anything to add?"

"N-no sensei," said Hinata, fidgeting a bit.

"Hinata, you can get out of this engagement any time you want by just saying so," said Naruto, partly turning his head to regard her. "I understand that I've changed a bit. I understand that your Dad saddled you with something you didn't want-"

"NO!" practically barked Hinata. "I mean - that is - I."

Naruto turned back to Kurenai as Hinata went silent and embarassed. "Sensei, we'll be taking on missions that fall more into my realm of expertise than your own. In such cases, I will need to advise you."

"I don't have a particular trouble with that," said Kurenai. "In fact, I might have to ask your advice on a few things on these other missions."

Naruto nodded.

"Who was your commanding officer?" asked Kurenai, making some connections in Naruto's attitude.

"Captain Charles Upham," said Naruto. "I met up with him after his CO was killed. There were four others on the squad. I spent ten and a half months learning how to survive with them. All of them were survivors whose original units got killed. Leo Major was our scout and sniper. Sergeant Leonard A. Funk. Lewis Millet. Fazal Din. These guys were survivors. Anyway, that's what we did. Never did find out what happened to them after they rejoined some of the forces of their side."

"Which side was that?" asked Kurenai, not sure what to say about that.

"The Defensive Union," said Naruto. "There were three 'sides' to the war. Though sometimes some country on one side fell to another or changed sides on their own, they were multinational alliances. The Progressive Powers were the ones whose magic pulled Mitternacht in and were responsible for a fourth side of this battle - even if it was monsters that just basically started going on rampages against anything and everything."

"'monsters'?" asked Kurenai, thinking about Demon Foxes and such.

"Yeah, some nasties too," said Naruto.

"Okay, then, I'm familiar with Hinata's Byakugan and Jyuuken," said Kurenai. "Can you demonstrate where your own skills lie?"

"Mostly what they call 'Arcane Magic' that I've learned through Mitternacht's teaching, some extra stealth and assassination techniques through time with Upham's Squad. While using Mitternacht I usually concentrate on spell-amplification while she takes care of the actual spell-slash-jutsu."

"I don't know anything about 'Arcane Magic'," pointed out Kurenai.

[Arcane Magic is similar to the various ninjutsu styles. In this universe's underlying law system regarding such, innate elemental affinities serve as limits to the ease of the flow of chakra. In this world, Naruto would find Wind or air-element magic easiest, followed by Water.]

Kurenai blinked at the way the staff had just talked to her, with ripples of light going along the length of the staff as it spoke.

"Waitaminute, so I can't use Ice magic here?" asked Naruto.

[Correct. I, however, am under no such restriction and can access all elemental types. Naruto also has no innate talent with genjutsu, partly due to his prisoner.]

"Hinata? Can you go somewhere for a few minutes?" asked Kurenai. "We're about to discuss what is classified an S-Class Secret."

As soon as Hinata was gone, Kurenai addressed the staff directly. "That is a restricted S-Class Secret. Speaking of it is a capital offense."

[I am already dead.]

"Nonetheless, it is forbidden to speak of it," said Kurenai firmly.

[Acknowledged. Yet Hinata will have to learn of it at some point.]

"When she's ready for it," said Kurenai. "What was this about genjutsu?"

[The seal is designed to allow other chakra, particularly that of the Kyubi, to mix with Naruto's own chakra. It leaves him especially vulnerable to genjutsu and unable to break free of illusions using what I've been able to determine of your normal methodology. While I am immune to such things, it might help if Hinata were trained to break Naruto out of such mental techniques.]

"That's do-able," agreed Kurenai. "Pretty talkative for someone who admits being dead."

[Speaking is tiresome, and maintaining the illusion that I am of the limited responsiveness of one of the Belkan or Mid-Childan devices is a useful cover. As this form was designed simply to contain my essence as a power-source, it was never intended for communication.]

"Yeah, well, things rarely stick to a plan," agreed Naruto.

"When the third member of the team arrives, it is standard operating procedure for there to be a test," said Kurenai. "Unfortunately, without knowing the talents of that third party, I'm not sure what to do for that test."

* * *

"So, you are from this 'Mid-Childa'?" asked the Hokage as the foreign agent settled into place.

"No, not really, I'm just working for 'em for now," said the boy. "They did something for me, I'm doing the occasional work for them. This gives me the chance to learn some of your ninja stuff I don't already have. If there IS any, that is."

"You're not from Mid-Childa?" asked the Hokage, wanting that clarified.

"Well, kind of," said the boy. "Actually I'm from a world called 'Earth' and I understand you'd probably call me a 'taijutsu' expert. I got lots of chi, not so much of what you call 'spirit energy' so I ain't got a lot of chakra. I'm not a mage though. I understand I'll be working with this 'Naruto' guy - he's apparently a pretty powerful mage."

"Ah," said the Hokage. "Well, you apparently made an impression on a few people in Mid-Childa for them to trust you with a diplomatic mission."

"No," said the boy. "I don't think they trusted me AT ALL on a diplomatic mission. They're counting on me in another way. Like Signum said 'If there's any trouble to be found - Ranma Saotome will not only find it but kick it up a notch.'"

"Oh," said the Hokage. "Well, I've sent for the jonin, Kurenai Yuhi. She should be along shortly. There will be a brief test before you get to missions."

"No problem," said Ranma, "thing is - this is actually a lot more peaceful than I'm used to."

* * *

"I still think that I would have been a better choice," said Signum as she walked back to their shared barracks.

"Actually I think it was Saotome's tendency to find trouble that was the selling point," pointed out Shamal as she walked alongside her fellow member of the Wolkenritter.

"With what I've reviewed of Saotome's history, he's quite capable of manufacturing problems if none exist," said Signum. "I understand they're intrigued by the male-dominance of magic-use on Naruto's homeworld. Especially because it is so much the opposite of what it is elsewhere."

Shamal was quiet for a moment. "If Ranma Saotome can build up his spiritual energy to match his chi, he will become quite formidable himself."

"Oh, he's already formidable," said Signum. "Also arrogant, loudmouthed, abrasive, and capable of devouring an entire month's food allowance in a single setting."

"Perhaps," said Shamal.

"What do we know of this team he's going to be put on?" asked Signum.

"Team leader is Kurenai Yuhi, an illusion specialist. Graduated their version of a magic academy at age 9, became a journeyman at age 13, recently achieved master rank at age 26. She's 27 now. She's completed hundreds of missions and only been injured severely twice."

Signum frowned, not having a lot of respect for illusionists. _Just as well that I myself was not picked. I prefer my fights to be straightforward and honorable._

"Naruto Uzumaki, whom we've met," said Shamal. "Combat veteran. Survivor of that world whose World War II went so badly when one of the groups opened a Type IV Rift."

Signum shuddered. "I heard about that. No wonder the boy seemed to be hardened beyond his years."

"Finally there's Hinata Hyuga," continued Shamal. "That was Naruto's girlfriend. At least Hayate seemed to think so."

"If that is the case, why was she talking about fixing Naruto up with Nanoha AND Fate?" Signum shook her head.

"Apparently she thought it was amusing," said Shamal, sounding a little amused herself. "She was also speculating about a relationship between YOU and him."

Signum came to such a complete and sudden halt that her boots almost left skid marks. "Wha? That kid?"

"Oh yes," said Shamal, pausing until her associate could get her feet moving again. "Though she's also speculated about a 'three-way' - I think she was mainly doing that to get a reaction out of me."

"I love Hayate, but sometimes she can be a little scary," confessed Signum.

"In any case, I have less information about Hinata than about the others, apparently she's very inexperienced. Also, unlike Vita, she looks her age."

* * *

Kurenai Yuhi was sure of three things with this 'Ranma Saotome' within five minutes of meeting him.

First, he was not particularly respectful of authority. Just the way he slouched in a chair while talking to the Hokage was indication of that.

Second, his seeming inattention of his environment was completely false. She had no doubt that if anything with a threat level higher than a fly entered the room, Ranma would have assessed it and been able to keep track of it without drawing further attention to himself.

Third, he was very very confident in his own abilities.

Kurenai determined all this while the Hokage gave her the breakdown of this assignment. Ranma was a representitive of the Time Space Administration Bureau, and that these were a police force from another world somehow. Ranma was a taijutsu expert, not a "mage" like Naruto. He was mainly here to observe things and then report back to Mid-Childa, who wanted mainly to see what kind of allies they were getting here.

"My 'animal companion' - is there a problem with having one?" asked Ranma eventually.

"No, not at all," said Kurenai. "What kind of animal?"

"Uhm, better you see her tomorrow, she's been getting a little big lately," said Ranma. "Besides-"

"Tarre is a good girl!" said an odd-sounding voice from the window.

"Tarre, you weren't supposed to follow me," mock-scolded Ranma. "Not yet at least."

A large scaly head stuck in one of the Hokage's windows. "Tarre lonely."

Kurenai checked for genjutsu, then blinked. "That's a dragon."

"Yeah, everyone points that out as if it weren't obvious," said Ranma, scratching his head. "Okay, first I thought she was some kind of Chinese lizard dog, but still."

"It's not so much that it isn't obvious, it's more a case of wanting to verify that everyone else sees it and you're not the recipient of some genjutsu," said Kurenai.

"After Ranma has compiled his report," said the Hokage, "the Mid-Childan authorities will be deciding whether to rotate Ranma out for another observer or if Ranma prefers to stay here."

"I'm mainly looking for new martial arts manuevers and skills," said Ranma. "They want me to look around, I want to learn new 'jutsu' and stuff."

"Very well, then," said Kurenai, eyeing the 15ft dragon whose head was still in the office. "Though there are going to be missions where your animal companion will be difficult to sneak in."

Ranma shrugged. "You got lakes and such. She likes lakes."

"Oh, there's a river. Fishies. Tarre likes fishies."

"This group really isn't well suited to 'paint the fence' style D-missions," said Kurenai.

"So, you'll have to get them through those and into C-Rank as soon as possible," advised the Hokage.

* * *

The Hokage had two ANBU with him who were behind and to the sides.

Kurenai Yuhi was already there.

Naruto sat next to the memorial for the fallen shinobi, Mitternacht continually rippling with thin neon-blue lighting along its black length.

Kurenai glanced at the Hokage, wondering if what she'd heard was actually what was going to happen. Also wondering exactly how she felt about it.

[Midnight, time to start.]

Naruto rose up and held the staff over his head. Words came from his lips, but the language wasn't familiar to any of those listening. A liquid sounding language that seemed to touch their ears but didn't linger long enough to really register.

Kurenai frowned as she tried to analyze it. She knew, somehow, that the voice was Naruto's but he was echoing words given to him from Mitternacht. She also knew, language barrier to the side, that the odd chant was a question and a welcoming.

No, decided Kurenai, it was an invitation.

Despite that, and despite being a jonin of the prestigious Leaf Village, and despite being a genjutsu mistress, Kurenai Yuhi couldn't completely suppress a jump as the first pale transparent form answered that call.

There were dozens of them gathered that she could see, and Kurenai had the distinct impression that many more she could not see had gathered there as well.

"Hear me, hear my offer," said Naruto, his voice sounding oddly mechanical and female as well as his usual male voice with the slightly rougher edge that he'd had since his journey. "You who have died with your tasks unfinished. You who linger with regret. You who were not ready for that voyage. Hear me, hear my offer. Lay aside hate, lay aside anger. A choice before you I lay. When I open the Gate you may pass on, leaving your burdens behind. You may remain, returning to your restless passage. Or come to me that you may yet experience the world anew."

Naruto rotated the staff in a blur then moved to near the treeline and used the staff to sketch a square in midair. Glowing golden light marked the square, the lines clearly visible floating without actually being on a surface. At the end of it, Naruto went back to his original position and took a deep breath.

Chakra, blue and bright, became a visible haze around him as he lifted Mitternacht up and then brought it down to thump with deceptive softness on the ground.

The square he'd left behind shifted, becoming a door of gold and ivory that slowly peeled open.

Kurenai took a step forward as the light spilled out of that doorway. There was a sense of peace and tranquility radiating from that door. A sense of completion somehow.

Transparent forms moved towards it, seeming to define more fully as they approached that light.

"Hashirama Senju, Tobirama Senju," said the Third Hokage, tipping his hat slightly as two of those forms stopped in front of him.

They looked towards the light, inclined their heads towards their colleague, then stepped deliberately towards where Naruto was concentrating on the staff and trembling with exertion.

"Our time, is not quite done," said Hashirama.

"I think you'll need our help, and sometime soon," said Tobirama.

Kurenai stared at that scene briefly, then noticed others in the crowd. "TAKANO! REIJI!"

The two genin looked back at her, smiled, waved... and were gone through the door.

Kurenai Yuhi was only aware how close she herself was getting to the door when one of the ANBU was abruptly in front of her. The mask moved slightly from side to side and a woman's voice spoke. "No, Jonin. They will wait."

* * *

Sasuke had awakened immediately on seeing the crowd of vague columns of mist in his room, the chill lancing right through him.

When they'd left, he'd followed.

When he'd gotten to the clearing where the memorial that Kakashi had explained was, he'd been surprised to see the forms beginning to define themselves.

All the more so when he recognized them.

His Uncle and Aunt glanced back at him, completely defined in the light from the doorway. Something passed from him to them in that moment he'd met their eyes. But what did THEY have to ask for forgiveness from HIM for?

He was aware of others, gathered here much as he had been. Watching the same scene and trying to make sense of it as much as he was.

It was when he saw two of them lingering on the grass that Sasuke Uchiha finally broke through his paralysis. "NO! DON'T LEAVE ME AGAIN!"

His mother and father DID stop, then his father held up a hand - palm towards him in the universal signal to halt. Father and mother looked to each other, then nodded as one, and parted. His father went to the door of light and vanished beyond it.

_Don't listen to Madara._

"Who's Madara?" asked Sasuke, ready to charge across that grass and through the door himself. He glanced to where his mother had went and stopped.

She stood there, looking sadly back at him, then held up a hand and stepped forward, becoming a stream of vapor that joined other streams of vapor that swirled in a maelstrom that surrounded a black crystalline staff.

A black crystalline staff in the hands of Naruto Uzumaki?

The Hokage stood there, so were two ANBU, plus a woman he didn't know. The woman in question had fallen to her knees halfway across the lawn, with an ANBU in between her and that gateway.

There had been other cries, other reactions, but those hadn't really registered on him at first.

Then the blue aura flickered, dimmed, and finally snapped off that had been surrounding Naruto Uzumaki as he dropped to one knee.

The gateway vanished, and the images faded away as well. A wind that sounded discontented and regretful muttered through the leaves and branches and was then silent. Even the insects were reluctant to break that silence.

"Those of you who have come here, there will be answers tomorrow. Finish up your missions early and be at my office around 2:30," said the Hokage, his voice reaching everyone present. "Do not mention this to anyone else, only that this will be a private meeting on my orders."

* * *

Sasuke knew that Kakashi would be late. Team 7 could wait anyway.

He'd have to leave and join up with his team soon enough, but first he wanted to see something with his own eyes in the early morning light.

Team 8 under Kurenai Yuhi. Their meeting place was not hard to learn of, it wasn't a village secret or anything.

There was Naruto. He could see he was older, taller, much more solid-looking, and had a solid air to him. Facing him was someone he did NOT know. A leanly muscled boy wearing red and black. There was that woman from last night, looking as if she'd gotten as little sleep as Sasuke himself had.

A large black mass moved, a head coming up and yellow eyes staring at him then at the others who were also hidden in the foliage.

"Is that... a dragon?" squeaked some girl to his right.

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's what it is," answered Sasuke, who immediately frowned at the quaver in his voice. He was a ninja damnit! An Uchiha! Uchiha ninja did NOT get intimidated by fifteen feet or so of dragon looking them over.

"More friends to play with?" asked the voice of a young girl. It took Sasuke a few moments to realize that the dragon had just spoke and in such an odd voice for what it looked like.

"We have an audience," said the pigtailed boy, cocking his head to the side as if asking a question.

"We'll have to rein it in some then," said Naruto.

"Good," said the woman. "I don't want the training ground to need major repairs. Both of you keep to basic attacks."

"Basic?" asked the pigtailed boy.

"Yes, Ranma. Basic," said the woman.

"So, no 'army killer' attacks, large explosions, forming golems, fire techniques, earthquakes, weather control, or summoning monsters from other planes of existence?"

"No, Naruto. Likewise any jutsu that involves whatever that was that you used against that shopkeeper who spit at you on the way here."

"That was just a variant on 'Evard's Black Tentacles' Kurenai-sensei. I call it 'Evard's Overly Affectionate Black Goo.'"

"No, Naruto. You may not use that. In fact, it would be best if you never even mentioned that spell ever again within the confines of Konohagakure and I would strongly suggest you get permission from me before ever casting it again."

"What about..."

"If you have to ask, the answer is probably no. On the other hand, the 'jutsu' that you used to give Hinata that massage earlier may end up being used if we ever catch a prisoner and have to interrogate them."

"It was just supposed to relax her some cause she was so nervous," grumbled Naruto clearly.

"I think you overdid it," said Ranma.

"oooooo," said the crumpled heap of Hinata laying on the dragon's tail. "more please."

"No more massage for you, Hinata, you need to be able to function on today's mission," said Kurenai, though her voice sounded as if she were barely restraining some amusement there. "Okay, you two. Begin."

"Flight mode!" called out Naruto, leaping up and continuing up past the point he should have slowed and come back down.

"Don't think that'll save you," said Ranma, leaping into the trees.

"Hey, it's a basic defensive move," said Naruto.

Sasuke had cursed and started moving as soon as he'd realized Naruto was NOT coming back down. He had to see this, and know exactly how much the status quo had changed.

Just from the whole 'not falling down' thing - he was betting the status quo had just taken a dive over a cliff. It was just a matter of how deep the cliff was.

"Uhm, excuse me?" asked the unfamiliar girl, having approached the woman named "Kurenai" Sasuke glanced down to see the girl consulting the woman, then turned his head back up to see Naruto hanging in midair and make a one-handed handsign?

"Shield!"

This was followed by several kunai and shuriken bouncing off some barrier Naruto had apparently put into place.

"Yes?" asked the group's jonin instructor.

"You're Kurenai Yuhi, Team 8?" asked the girl.

"Yes, and you're Tenten from Team Gai, aren't you?" asked Kurenai.

Sasuke kept glancing back and forth from his current vantage point. Hoping for explanations from one, and visual confirmation from the other.

"Yes, that's me," said Tenten.

Sasuke watched as several branches and eventually a tree stump were all hurled at the invisible barrier, and apparently the tree stump was enough to break through and cause Naruto to flit out of the way.

"Magic Missile!" counter-attacked Naruto.

"Remember we can't speak of last night until the Hokage gives the okay," said Kurenai.

Sasuke saw the streaks of (unsurprisingly) orange light go shooting off into the foliage.

Then a figure went zipping past him at very high, even ludicrous, speeds and was gone.

"What about the dragon, is she an S-Class Secret too?" asked Tenten.

"No, she's..." Kurenai's voice trailed off briefly. "She's Ranma's ninja partner."

Naruto flitted in and out of view, apparently trying to figure out where his opponent had gone.

"A dragon?" asked Tenten.

"Yes," agreed Kurenai.

The foliage overhead erupted and Ranma was briefly visible as he yelled and tumbled overhead, managing to catch Naruto.

Except that Naruto disappeared in a puff of smoke abruptly.

"Oops," said Ranma, beginning to fall.

"Web," said Naruto, fading into visibility as he sprayed webbing from his hands towards Ranma.

"Shunshin!" said Ranma, moving abruptly out of the way.

"I don't suppose I can transfer onto THIS team?" asked Tenten of Kurenai.

"I don't think so," said Kurenai.

"Dimension Door," cast Naruto.

"Fierce Tiger Ball!" cast Ranma.

"She's sleeping," said Tenten. "She doesn't seem that thrilled to be around if she's sleeping through it."

"She's Naruto's fiancee," said Kurenai, "and why would you want to transfer off Team Gai to join my team?"

"Sword Of Admonishment!" cast Naruto.

"Log Thrown Accurately," countered Ranma.

"Because your team is awesome except for the sleeping girl," said Tenten. "And you have a dragon."

"What kind of special manuever is THAT?" demanded Naruto.

"Who says you need special manuevers for sparring, dummy," responded Ranma as he faded out.

"Invisibility," said Naruto, also fading out.

"Well, you might have a point," said Kurenai, who then raised her voice. "All of you, go to your sensei. It's time to start with the missions. Naruto, Ranma. Time to stop."

"I am so ahead of you on points," said Ranma as he landed.

"Hah! In your dreams," replied Naruto.

"So we have a mission today?" asked Ranma, deciding he could bait the blonde later on through the day.

"Yes," said Kurenai, it's you have to catch the cat of the mistress of the Fire Daimyo, named Tora. Who has run away from her mistress. Again."

* * *

"I think Naruto know," said Tarre, as quietly as she could. No point in scaring off the cat.

"He's got a few secrets of his own, I ain't worried about him," said Ranma.

Tarre was quiet for a little while. "I like Nanoha and Fate. Hayate a little scary I think."

"I ain't getting involved with any more crazy women," stated Ranma. "Nerima was bad enough. It was okay at first. I wasn't sure how to handle anything so I kept it all light and not getting too involved with anyone. Adapting fighting tactics to social stuff. That sure didn't work out well at the end."

"Ranma old enough, should consider mate," said Tarre.

"That's a whole level of trouble I'm avoiding at the moment, Tarre," said Ranma. "Besides, you just want to adopt my family and become an ancestral guardian like that little annoying guy."

As a black dragon, Tarre wasn't really constructed to be able to shrug. She just did the draconic equivelant. She certainly didn't deny it.

"*Target heading your way,*" came a voice over the headset. "*Oops. She apparently caught Tarre's scent. She just froze in place.*"

"*Got her.*" came Hinata's voice over the headset. "*Poor thing. She's stiff as a board and trembling.*"

"Tarre want to see that," said Tarre, sounding curious as she ambled in the direction of the cat.

"*Uhm, she just fainted.*" reported Hinata.

Ranma shrugged. Just because he no longer freaked and went into the catfist didn't mean that he was particularly at ease around the fuzzy little demon-beasts.

* * *

Tarre was a hatchling (or wyrmling) when Ranma had first found her. She was now considered a Young Adult. Part of it was artificial aging that she'd enthusiastically signed up for. Now, if she encountered goblins again, she could have her revenge. She even had several scenes planned out, most of which involved looming over little goblinses, and ended in body parts flying in slow motion.

Fifteen feet long, immune to acid, a good swimmer who could breathe water, with access to a Darkness spell she could use to hide in, and able to spit acid out and dissolve a great number of substances. She was a flier, but not terribly manueverable or even comfortable with the process. She would have much rather walked or (preferably) swam to get anywhere.

She had also discovered, to the detriment of Ranma's finances, pickles.

She also had a few odds and ends collected during some of Ranma's adventures. There was a bracer hammered onto one of her horns as an ornament, a necklace of beaten bronze around her neck, a ring on one foreclaw, and a belt of waterproofed leather that had a pair of saddlebags to either side.

When Team 8 came to town, and through town, there might have been those who would show their hostility to the Demon Fox.

Tarre tended to distract everyone from the whole Demon Fox thing. Some people stopped what they were doing, stared, and forgot entirely about Naruto's presence.

The whole scream-and-run-for-the-horizon impulse got a few other onlookers.

Those who saw Hinata Hyuga sitting on top of the beast's back tended to just stare a bit more.

"A-a-are you sure, Tarre-san? I'm not too heavy, am I?"

"Tarre not think so," replied the dragon. "It not your fault streets so small and crowded." Tarre avoided saying anything about Hinata being small and frail-looking, mainly because she remembered being a hatchling herself.

"So, we got the cat, what next?" asked Ranma.

"Since you are a taijutsu expert, can you help Hinata out?" asked Kurenai.

"Work with her on her forms?" asked Ranma. He shrugged after a few moments. "Sure, why not."

"Good, this afternoon is that meeting with the Hokage," said Kurenai. "I think that I and Naruto will be needed for that."

"Gotcha," said Ranma. "This is regarding that whole plan to emulate the Mid-Childan Intelligent Devices, right?"

Naruto startled, indicating he hadn't known that Ranma knew about that. From his look, Ranma decided he was probably worrying about how many Mid-Childans knew about it.

"Something like that, though I admit most of this is outside what I'm used to encountering," said Kurenai.

"Hear that," said Ranma, deciding to let Naruto sweat that detail for now. "That which does not kill you, can still screw you up pretty bad."

* * *

The Hokage's office was pretty crowded at the appointed time.

"Ah, let's see, where to begin," mused the Hokage as if he had NOT spent considerable time musing over this very difficulty.

"Allow me, gramps," said Naruto. "Some of you have heard already about the space/time jutsu going off, that I'm now four years older, and that I spent a lot of time in a war."

"A war?" asked one of the nin.

"Yes," said Naruto. "There are other worlds, other universes, and I was on one of those. That's where Mitternacht and I got acquainted."

A gemstone in his hand stretched, shifted, and became a black crystalline staff lit from within by red ripples.

[Active.]

"What about Obito and Rin?" asked Kakashi Hatake.

"They're dead, they remain dead," said Naruto. "However, for one reason or another, they're still around. Those that chose to move on to afterlife last night did so. Those that hesitated are still around. Mitternacht is working on another option that they might take though."

"Another option for DEAD PEOPLE?" asked Inoichi Yamanaka.

"Yes," said Naruto. "On those other worlds, we discovered something called Rune Weapons, we discovered Seals, and we discovered something called an Intelligent Device. Mitternacht is currently working on a process where the spirits of those who wish to aid the living, their families, their village, their friends - would be able to do so."

"What's an 'Intelligent Device'? Something like Mitternacht herself?" asked Kurenai, who already knew the answer but knew the question should be asked by someone not in shock over the concept.

"No, Mitternacht is different in many ways, but an Intelligent Device is similar in some respects." Naruto frowned. "It requires you have a pretty strong chakra - both your reservoir and use capacity. If you have those, an Intelligent Device can stay active longer. With one, it's like having a partner who can cast a jutsu for you while you're doing something else. Like if you were having to fight with taijutsu and a second assailant jumped out from concealment, an Intelligent Device could then fire off a Fireball Jutsu while you concentrate on the enemy in front of you. The exact capabilities depend on the device and your own talents."

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTES:

Okay, i'm having to drop this one for two reasons. One being that i merely wanted to indicate to the readers over at the Anime Addventure that i did indeed have some other ideas other than the path taken in the Mjolnir thread. Second was that the comments section on this one turned into absolutely no fun. If past experience is any indicator, i can argue and post references and links - but it won't convince the argumentitive ones of my point of view and will simply take up more and more of my time.

So, here it is, for anyone who thinks the idea of a war-weary hardened combat veteran version of Naruto has the appeal to write it or use it for inspiration. Oh, and i've used Tarre a few times in various stories/settings. She's a black dragon whose egg was captured by goblins and she was kept to be tormented by some bog-goblins. Ranma, using a Well Of Many Worlds (which he mainly uses as a Portable Hole to go through walls) that he found while running away from a Nerima Mob Scene. He hasn't found a way back to his homeworld, and at this point isn't in a particular hurry anyway. At this point she's mainly physically recovered from the torture she underwent, but is still determined to be a "good girl" and hang around Ranma. She's grown a bit too. Whether this version can take the form of a drow elf child is left up to the writers of such.

Have fun. ^_^ 


	12. Chapter 12:Sakura's new plan

_Around Chapter 450:_

Naruto drowsed, not sure WHAT was keeping him awake. He'd spent a good deal of time and effort working on repairs of the village, so he certainly had the accomplishment of a good day's work.

Looking up at his ceiling, Naruto finally put it all down to a single individual. Something that had been said.

Hinata.

She'd gone from gloomy weird girl, but kinda cute to a definitely cute girl. Though those eyes were still a bit strange.

What was it that she'd said...

It all abruptly clicked together, and Naruto's eyes widened.

_I wanted to be with you._

She couldn't have meant -

_I made the wrong turns so many times, but you helped me find my way and take the correct path, Naruto._

-no. She couldn't have meant.

_I always chased after you. I wanted to catch up to you._

Could she have?

_I wanted to walk beside you all the time?_

She could have meant THAT, couldn't she...

_I want to be at your side, always._

That... oh dear. Kakashi-sensei. Kakashi-sensei would know.

* * *

"You're doomed," said Kakashi. "The question is what are you going to do about it?"

"Uhm," said Naruto. "I dunno. That's why I'm asking you."

"Well, you know what happened with Asuma and Kurenai," said Kakashi after pondering it.

"Yeah," said Naruto. _If I die, will she be as stricken as Kurenai-sensei was? Didn't she say she didn't regret the time with Asuma - because at least they'd had some time together?_

Naruto nodded. He had his decision.

* * *

"N-Naruto-kun?" asked Hinata sleepily, rubbing her eyes. "What is it?"

"Yes," said Naruto.

"'Yes'?" asked Hinata, realizing she wasn't completely awake but wasn't sure if this would make sense even if she was.

"I'm sorry I didn't answer you sooner. Yes, Hinata," said Naruto, stepping closer.

Whatever sense she was trying to make out of this late night. Naruto was so close! He was looking so seriously at her! His eyes were that sky-blue and looking into her own! Was this a dream and she was still asleep?

"I would have preferred to spend more time with you first, but things are getting really serious now," said Naruto as he leaned a little closer to her.

Hinata was trying very hard not to faint. She had to be asleep. Otherwise Naruto wouldn't be close to her like this. His arms wouldn't go around her like this. His head wouldn't lower so that his lips could press against her own.

His lips were chapped. He tasted of ramen. It was clumsy and his nose bumped her own.

Hinata decided to label the moment Wonderful.

"Meep," said Hinata when Naruto had disengaged liplock. Her higher functions were still rebooting and any response she made was not going to be particularly coherent.

* * *

around chapter 469:

Naruto stared. "Wha- what - did you just say, Sakura? I think I must have misheard you. Say it once more."

"Naruto, I said I love you!" responded Sakura, looking at the way the snow was falling around them. "I said I don't care about Sasuke anymore! And I was crazy to ever love him. Can't you at least listen when someone's pouring out their heart to you?"

Naruto shook his head. "Why? Why? If this is a joke, it isn't funny Sakura. Besides, what about Hinata?"

"It's... Hinata?" asked Sakura.

"Yeah, we're engaged," said Naruto. "She proposed to me back when she was trying to save me from Pain."

"Wha?" asked Sakura as her plan abruptly collapsed.

"Damn!" said Kiba. "When Hinata finally moves, she MOVES."

"Congratulations," said Kakashi.

"Yeah, well, when-" began Naruto.

"Waitaminute!" said Sakura. "What about me?"

"Oh come on, Sakura," said Naruto. "I know you're not over Sasuke. Believe me, I know how hard it is to get over being in love. You can't just change that sort of thing overnight."

"Still getting over Sakura yourself?" asked Kiba.

"Well, yeah," admitted Naruto. "On the other hand, all I have to do is encourage Hinata a little bit and she's not fainting around me anymore. She can be really fun, you know? Wish she'd said something earlier."

"So that's why you've been so cheerful lately," said Kakashi. "Found something to live for."

Naruto just grinned foxily.

"But I thought you were in love with me," said Sakura.

"Well, yeah," admitted Naruto. "I've been in love with you for years. Why do you think I asked you out every day for three years while we were in the Academy? That's the main reason I hated Sasuke for years. That's why when I finally realized you were in love with Sasuke, I promised to bring him back. I realize how much it hurts to love someone who doesn't love you, that's why I'm trying my best to fall in love with Hinata. I already like her, so it's going better than I did with you back then."

"But-" Sakura tried to figure out what Plan B was.

Hinata abruptly landed behind Sakura.

"But-" said Sakura, trying to work out a seperate plan.

"I-it's okay, Naruto, Sakura," said Hinata shyly.

"Eh?" asked most of the ninja there, thinking Hinata was giving up.

"I-I can share," said Hinata, blushing and dragging her toe through the snow.

"What?" asked a wide-eyed Naruto.

"What?" asked a startled and off-balance Sakura.

"WHAT?" squeaked out most of the other shinobi present.

Kakashi abruptly turned to Naruto, gave him a thumb's up. Then lowered his head to whisper in Sakura's ear.

Getting a determined look in her face, Sakura nodded. "Hinata. We have to do this."

"Right," said Hinata.

"For Naruto's sake," said Sakura.

"Right," said Hinata.

"Eh?" asked Naruto, completely in shock.

Almost as if choreographed, Sakura stepped forward and grabbed Naruto's left arm. Hinata moved forward and grabbed his right arm. The two then moved off, dragging Naruto between them.

"Okay," said Kiba. "I didn't see THIS coming."

"Well, that's one way to keep Naruto from fighting Sasuke," admitted Kakashi. "You know, if Jiraiya was watching this from the afterlife, he'd be inspired to write an entire new volume of his series."

* * *

_Later:_

"Kakashi," said Sasuke, looking at the crowd from Konoha.

"Sasuke, you've been declared missing-nin and the order is to terminate you," said Kakashi.

"So you're going to try?" sneered Sasuke.

"Not with Madara there, or is it Tobi?" asked Kakashi. "If you get injured he'll just teleport you away."

"So you know that there's no way you can beat me," said Sasuke, his sneer actually going up a couple of notches.

"Oh, Naruto's already beaten you," answered Kakashi.

"Excuse me?" asked Sasuke. "He's not even here."

"No, he isn't," said Kakashi. "Apparently Hinata Hyuga finally confessed her love."

"So he's..." Sasuke's voice trailed off. "He's missing a fight with ME because of some third rate kunoichi."

"Well, she's not exactly the most skilled," said Kakashi, throwing an arm out to bar Kiba from interfering. "But she's better than she was."

"Yeah right," said Sasuke, back to sneering.

"She also proposed to him," said Kakashi.

"...I'll send flowers," said Sasuke, a little put off by this unexpected development.

"And then Sakura confessed she was dumping you to go after Naruto," added Kakashi.

"What?" asked Sasuke, feeling unfamiliar feelings rise up within him.

"The two kunoichi in question spent the last three days getting acquainted with Uzumaki," stated Shino. "Apparently Naruto was able to wear them both out."

"What? Naruto? BOTH of them?" asked a clearly shocked Sasuke.

"Then a third girl... well, you don't need all the details, I'm sure," said Kakashi.

"Three, no, foursome?" asked Sasuke.

"So it doesn't matter what you do, or claim, or manage with your Sharingan," said Kakashi cheerfully. "Naruto's already beaten you."


	13. Chapter 13:Coeur Blanc

**Another Fistful Of Omake**

Chapter 13:Coeur Blanc

by Greylle

DISCLAIMER: Original series belong to someone else.  
NOTE: The following are just ideas that are not currently being pursued. Anyone wanting to use or continue them are welcome to, just credit me for the initial twist OK?

* * *

Toltiir was a Being that existed outside the pockets of 4D space/time known as the Multiverse. He could extend a tiny portion of himself into a universe, pinching off some measure of himself in order to interact with that universe.

He currently watched the little beings scurrying around, and focussed on one of the Focal Points. There were these little beings whose actions and existence caused shifts and possibilities to spring out around them. This particular one was named Naruto Uzumaki.

He'd managed to insert an essence fragment into the boy alongside a thoroughly beaten Ninetailed Fox Demon known as the Kyuubi. He'd eventually manifested a physical body along the line of a Kage Bunshin (or shadow clone) and gone on to do a number of things under the guise of Genma Fukuyu, an Uncle of a minor branch family related to the Uchiha.

One of those things had gotten Sasuke extra training in stealth and covert operations, under the cover of trying to recover Engagement To Sasuke Cards which had ended up in the hands of his fangirls.

Another thing that had occurred was a gentleman's bet between Hiashi Hyuga and Uncle Genma (who was based physically on a guy named Genma Saotome from another universe entirely) that ended up with an engagement between Hinata Hyuga and Naruto Uzumaki.

Which led, mostly due to events happening under Genma's instigation, to Naruto Uzumaki being trapped in a room with Hinata Hyuga under the watchful eye of several clan elders, the Council, and the Hokage himself.

* * *

_I'll have to flash teach you,_ said the voice with a hint of regret. _Sadly, there's no time for the usual insanely-painful-yet-strangely-effective training methods usually used for it. As to the name, it's called magic._

"Ma-gu-ikku?" asked Naruto, sounding it out. "What's that? Oh, 'magic' - like pulling a rabbit out of a hat?"

_No. Sleight of hand is already a common ninja skill._

"Onmyoji?" asked Naruto.

_No. There are ninjas who do that too. Not in Konoha perhaps, but they are most definitely out there._

"Well, how about -" began Naruto.

_That's already a ninjutsu specialization too. So is Blue Magic, which is sort of like the Sharingan actually..._

"So what is it?" asked Naruto.

_Well, without getting too technical, it's based on the Mid-Childa system. You'll be able to cast spells without your tool, but it's WITH your Device that you'll be able to pull out the higher level power._

Naruto scratched his head. "I didn't get a lot of that. So these spells are like jutsu?"

_Yes, that's basically it. Now I need to know what kind of role you want._

"What do you mean 'role'?" asked Naruto predictably.

_Well, you want to be a Hokage, right? So what KIND of Hokage? Do you want to be someone who throws huge amounts of damage at your opponents? Do you want to be able to help your friends and associates to do better? Do you want to be a healer who can help your team and agents recover from wounds and ease their pain? Do you want to be an information-gatherer who can sit back and figure out the answers, so that those you send on missions have a better chance of surviving? Do you want to be a stealth specialist who can find problems and quietly remove them?_

"Can't I be all of that?" asked Naruto, a little overwhelmed and aware that if he made a choice he might not be able to change it later.

_No, not really. Not within a human lifetime. You can have a number of 'jutsu' that do a lot of things, but you'll only be able to keep practice up and get really good at a much more limited field. Being a generalist means that you'll never get to the higher end of one of the specialties._

"Oh," said Naruto.

_Hang on. All specialties of magic require some work on your mana levels, and in this world that means your chakra coils and reservoir. Also need to boost your intelligence a bit, particularly in the whole memory-retention area. Besides, it'll be funnier that way when everyone's expecting you to act like an idiot and you perform a Crowning Act Of Brilliance or something._

Naruto staggered as something changed. After blinking back tears caused by some very unpleasant sensations though he felt fine. "Okay."

_Now, what role you choose will indicate what Device you get. What'll it be?_

Naruto decided to just go ahead with it, he might not understand everything as well as he should but it was a chance at things turning out better than they currently were. "Healing would be good," said Naruto, looking down at the fainted Hinata.

_Okay, Coeur Blanc, the White Stave Of Wisdom would be best, I think._

"'Wisdom'?" asked Naruto.

_Coeur Blanc is an Intelligent Device. If this was a Harry Potter crossover, it would be a wand and broomstick. Mid-Childa has a form of Magitek where they've a technology based on the forces that other universes deem magic and relegate to medieval levels of technology. So their wand is able to change forms somewhat, adapt to situations, and be useful for a variety of things._

"Okay," said Naruto, not really getting all of that.

_I'll just insert you into this plotline, you'll be one of the mages whom Vita puts in the hospital. When everything gets sorted out and your 'linker core' recovers, you'll end up with Coeur Blanc._

"Oh, waitaminute, I get put in the hospital?" asked Naruto.

_Yeah, but eventually you end up more friendly with her. Your choice if you choose her for a rival and keep promising to beat her up for revenge._

"That's... actually that sounds about right," said Naruto, starting out hostile and then getting thoughtful.

_Well, yes. Vengeance oaths, rivalries, these are all part of the ninja lifestyle. Since most ninja stories end up with lots of angst and death and tragedy, you're also a mage - those can still end up there but you get better odds._

"I suppose," said Naruto.

_Okay, everything's setup. You go through the plotline of the 'A' season, get sidelined early in the story - show up at the big fight at the finale, spend a year training in magic and progressing to an 'A+' rank as a mage (lots of magical power to draw on, not a lot of offensive techniques) before the time/space locus reappears where they can send you back to where/when you exited this universe. At which point they know the coordinates and can come back and visit. You also get some training regarding the Kyubi and how to get his cooperation in the future._

"That sounds cool," said Naruto. "So when - do we..."

Naruto flickered for a moment.

"I thought you said ONE year," growled the now-older Naruto as soon as he'd recovered enough to recognize his surroundings.

_One year from the end of the fight with Reinforce._

"That made it almost TWO years," said Naruto.

* * *

Naruto was a little taller, a little more filled out, but it was his attitude that had changed the most.

"The Time/Space Administration Bureau," said Naruto, standing before the Hokage desk and addressing the Hokage formally, "has entered an unofficial relationship with the Leaf Village due to my involvement. They call their jutsu 'magic' and those jutsu are considered to be their own property. Most of which require the use of an Intelligent Device or Artifact to use properly."

"An 'Intelligent Device'?" asked the Hokage, not needing a prompt to ask for more detail before the council members (the Nara and Yamanaka clan heads) or Ibiki or an ANBU would have.

"Coeur Blanc," said Naruto, holding out one hand.

[Yes Sir,] said a feminine voice. [Set Up. Barrier Jacket.]

A white rod appeared, then stretched out to become roughly two thirds of Naruto's height.

Naruto's clothes also blurred and shifted, to become something more elaborate. Now he wore an armored breastplate and shoulder pads of dark blue metal crossed with yellow. Armored gauntlets and boots appeared as his former clothing became a form-fitting white underneath that also appeared to be metal. Finally a helmet fit onto his head, though it left his face open.

"Coeur Blanc is my Intelligent Device," explained Naruto. "She's primarily a Support device. With her, I can use higher-level healing and protection jutsu. I'm not quite as good with Protection magic as Yuuno, but I'm still pretty good. I can also use other magic I've learned more efficiently with her."

"So what of these other jutsu-magics?" asked the Hokage.

"You'd need to know this for missions, I suppose. I've got a Wide Area Search," said Naruto. "Ring Bind - a basic but useful capture spell. Struggle Bind - a higher level capture spell but it requires a few more seconds to pull off. Dispel Force Field. Round Shield, Sphere Protection. My magical attacks are Magic Missile, a mid to long range attack with high accuracy but low damage potential. Photon Lancer, a short to mid range attack that's not as accurate but does better damage. I can also do a some enhancement type spells. Protection, Shell, Haste, and Divine Favor. These add some beneficial effect to an ally, but tend to drain my reserves the longer I keep them active."

"You can use jutsu to strengthen an ally?" asked the Yamanaka clan head.

"Sure," said Naruto, holding his staff out. "If I may?"

There were various uncertain looks before the Yamanaka nodded and stepped forward.

"Coeur Blanc, Divine Favor," said Naruto.

[Yes Sir. Divine Favor. Activation.]

A brief white glow appeared around the Yamanaka.

"Whoa," said the Yamanaka clan head.

[Agility increased 10%. Strength increased 10%. Evasive ability upgraded 15%. Psionic strength increased 8.5%. Duration: 10 minutes.]

Despite being normally silent for just about anything, the device's claims caused the ANBU to stir. An advantage like that could be the difference between life and death in any number of situations that each was familiar with.

"Interesting," said the Hokage. The smile on his face was less with this Divine Favor ability, and more to the reaction of the various individuals in the room. Just that one talent had the possibility of Naruto making a lot more friends for himself. "Now lets go on with the possibilities of this Bureau and their relationship to our village-"

* * *

Danzo frowned. Control over Konoha and the other nations was what he most wanted. Only he had the proper vision and understanding of what was necessary for that.

Except now he had this information that Konoha could skyrocket to prominence without a single kunai being thrown. The opportunities provided by Naruto Uzumaki's new talents and the alliance of this Bureau were unforeseen complications.

"The Uzumaki boy's talents require the use of this device?" asked Danzo.

"No, Lord Danzo," said the ROOT member with the Eyebrows painted on his mask. "Apparently the device allows him to use his chakra more efficiently. It also would not work for another, the Nara clan head attempted to use it and was not able to do so."

Danzo's frown turned thoughtful. That HAD been one of his immediate considerations. "Continue monitoring. It remains to be seen if this changes anything, or if I can make use of these other developments."

* * *

Naruto sat atop the Hokage Tower's top railing. He could also do the usual flight spell, so falling wasn't a consideration. He might not be as fast as Fate or Nanoha, nor as manueverable as one of the higher-rank mages, but he could certainly do the whole stop-falling thing in less than a heartbeat.

Flying was, in Naruto's not so humble opinion, totally cool.

However, now he had to try and come to terms with being back here in a village where he was hated by a large number of people and shunned by most.

* * *

"Sasuke Uchiha, I dislike too many things to mention. I like nothing in particular. I have no dreams, only a role - and that is of an Avenger."

"So you're the Dark Avenger, she's the Pink Avenger, and you're the White Avenger, blondie?"

"Naruto Uzumaki," said the blonde boy. "Not an Avenger. If I was, where the heck would I start? I like ramen. I like making things better. I enjoy working with metal, actually. A gal I met at a weaponsmith's shop on Mid-Childa introduced me to that. Very relaxing to do, pounding and heating the metal is a good stress release for me, and with Coeur Blanc I can enhance the metal as I'm working it. Anyway, my goal is to be Hokage and be able to protect those precious to me."

"How did you get taller overnight, dobe?" asked Sasuke.

"Time dilation jutsu gone wrong, or so I'm told," not-exactly-lied Naruto.

"That leaves the Pink Avenger," noted Kakashi.

"I like..." said Sakura, eyes darting to Sasuke. "My dream is..." (blush, fidget) "and I dislike not knowing what's going on!"

"Hmmm," said Kakashi. "Naruto, I've heard about your recent misadventure and your discovery of your hijutsu. I don't believe any of it, but it'll be interesting to see. Tomorrow there will be this little test of all three of you to see if you should even be allowed to be ninja. Don't eat anything tomorrow, because you'll just end up throwing it up."

* * *

"Where IS he? He's LATE!" said Sakura, prompted by her stomach growling protest at the beginning of her diet.

"He made us miss breakfast, not bring lunch, and is late," mused Naruto. "So, he wanted us irritable for some reason."

"You think he's planning this?" asked Sakura.

"He's a jonin," said Naruto. "You don't survive to get to jonin without being able to plan ahead."

"Hnn," agreed Sasuke, eyeing Naruto and wondering if he'd had a brain implanted when the extra height had gone into effect. Then again, some of the times in the Academy there had been indication that Naruto wasn't a full time idiot.

"Coeur Blanc!" said Naruto.

[Set Up. Activation.]

Sasuke and Sakura both looked at Naruto's staff of white wood with dark-grey metal bands.

"My 'hijutsu' allows me to heal and enhance people," said Naruto. "When we start the test, how about this? I cast Protection and Haste on Sasuke. That gives you invisible armor and doubles your speed. On Sakura, I cast Divine Favor - that gives you a moderate boost mainly in agility and accuracy of your attacks. I maintain those while you two take this test, then I follow you. If it's some team versus team thing, Sasuke can be attacker, Sakura defense, and I maintain the enhancements. What do you think?"

Sasuke blinked. "You have jutsu that let you double my speed? Speed of what? Movement?"

"Well, your movement speed and speed of your attacks actually," said Naruto. "I can only maintain three spells of that kind at a time right now, otherwise I'd hit all three of us with as many enhancement-types as I could. The problem with running all three is that it'll keep me from moving around a lot. That's why I was suggesting Sakura for defense if it's a team battle. The only problem with Haste is that you're sped up - so you end up tiring quicker because you're doing more. It gets worse if I try to double-Haste you, because it's like you're fighting a strong wind whenever you move."

"You've learned to plan ahead," noted Sasuke.

"Hey, if I didn't plan ahead, all those 'engagement to Sasuke' cards would still be in play," pointed out Naruto. "Did you REALLY want that Dokuro gal to collect them all?"

Sasuke blanched at the mention of the craziest of the crazy girls after him. Knowing his Uncle Genma, he'd see an engagement to that yangire as a training opportunity.

* * *

"-and so when I say 'Start' you have to attack me with killing intent," said Kakashi, feeling a moment of doubt when he noticed the three making eye contact with each other and then hand signalled arguments. Someone was deviating from the script, and it took very little effort to know that the deviant would spell his name Na-Ru-To.

"Ready?" asked Sasuke.

"Coeur Blanc!" said Naruto, a staff appearing in his hand a moment later.

[Ready, My Master.]

"Ready," said Sakura, getting into a defensive combat stance.

"Then... let's start," said Kakashi.

The staff's end slammed into the ground. "Coeur Blanc! Haste and Protect on Sasuke!"

Six white wings erupted from the upper end of the staff.

[Enhancement Mode. Haste. Protect. Speed doubled. Protective field engaged.]

"Divine Favor on Sakura," said Naruto bracing himself and his brow furrowed as he concentrated.

[Divine Favor. Strength +10%, Agility +10%, Accuracy +15%, Evasive +20%]

Kakashi managed a yelp as suddenly Sasuke was moving faster than any genin had a right to. Faster even than the bulk of chunin. Heck, there were a lot of jonin that didn't move that quickly. Kakashi realized it was almost a strobe effect going on, and it was only through the extra years of experience that he was dodging ANY of it. Despite that, one particularly good palmstrike managed to solidly connect with his temple.

Sasuke kept from grinning as he landed what felt like a solid hit to the jonin. With speed like this, he had a better chance of taking on Itachi. _Maybe having a support team isn't a bad idea._

Kakashi then rotated, tried to counterattack when he noticed Sasuke despite his extra speed had over-extended and was in mid-air, and then switched targets.

Naruto hadn't moved, was still firmly planted on the ground, obviously concentrating on whatever jutsu he'd used on Sasuke. Obvious target.

Sakura stopped in mid-cheer when she realized that a) Sasuke was twisting in mid-air to re-align, b) Kakashi-sensei was no longer fighting Sasuke, and c) Kakashi-sensei had just done a massive attack that caused Naruto to go flying backwards and slam into a tree with enough force that leaves and branches came down a moment later.

"Hmm, I may have overdone that a bit," mumbled Kakashi as he realized that Naruto looked a little... seriously unconscious. As in might not be awake for the rest of the day. Maybe week. There was blood oozing though, so he wasn't dead at least. Well, he hadn't exactly expected Sasuke to be that much of a challenge.

Musing about that was interrupted by the much-slower-now Sasuke.

"Lesson one: taijutsu," said Kakashi, feeling much more in the groove of things now. Besides, he had to wrap this up quickly to see how badly Naruto was injured.

* * *

"Well, Naruto will likely be unconscious for a few hours yet, and not very combat-ready for awhile after that," summed up Kakashi after the alarm had rung and the test ended. "I'm inclined to fail all of you though."

"Sakura, if we fail because you failed to protect Naruto, I will never speak to you again," promised Sasuke.

"EEEP!" eeped Sakura, feeling as if the shadow of death was upon her. Or at least the shadow of non-date-ability. "Ah, come on, Kakashi-sensei! That wasn't a fair test!"

"Naruto had a protective field up," said Kakashi, eyeing the tree. The indentation was Naruto-shaped but larger than the genin. "However, he was mainly concentrating on keeping Sasuke's speed and protection up and didn't react fast enough to increase his own protection when I switched targets."

"That's because he explained that keeping both of us enhanced with his hijutsu would require most of his concentration, that's why Sakura was supposed to GUARD him," said Sasuke with a glare towards their pink-haired team-member. _Honestly, fangirls are SO useless._

"B-b-but," said Sakura.

"So you guys worked out details ahead of time without knowing the details of the test?" asked Kakashi.

"Yes," said Sasuke eventually. "Naruto's plan seemed viable considering his limitations. He'd use his enhancement-jutsu on the one taking the test, then healing-jutsu if they were injured afterwards, then switch to enhancement on the next one taking the test, and so on until we all passed. He also came up with the idea we'd be fighting another team of graduates, and that we'd have the offense-defense-healer set up that we were SUPPOSED to use here."

"I see," said Kakashi, glancing back to the still-unconscious Naruto.

* * *

Sakura listened and she watched. One thing was obvious to her. As natural as it was to get lost in watching Sasuke be awesome, she had been the Weakest Link. Naruto had thrown jutsu around that she'd never heard of before. Sasuke had been as cool as ever, and she hadn't really done too well. Which was why Naruto was unconscious and Sasuke was angry at her. The first she could deal with. The second stuck a dagger through her heart. Metaphorically at least. One of Sasuke's looks had indicated contemplation of less metaphor being involved.

Spotting the object on the grass, Sakura saw a potential means of rescuing her reputation in the eyes of her crush. "Sasuke, he dropped this staff. I'll just pick it up and use it to -"

(!)

"Are you sure she was the top academic in class?" asked Kakashi as a smouldering Sakura dropped to the ground.

"She's very good on tests and with studying," acknowledged Sasuke. "It's just that she's a fangirl and I've noticed their brains seem to shut down around me."

"Oh?" asked Kakashi, this sounding like a subject the usually brooding boy could get passionate about.

"Oh, yes," said Sasuke, revealing something about himself that Sakura would have been glad to know if she'd been anywhere near conscious to hear this. "Like Megumi. Ninja wire specialist. I asked if I could see her technique. Despite being quite good with it five minutes previously she managed to bind herself to the target post."

"Well, that might-" began Kakashi.

Sasuke wasn't done ranting though. "Or Chiyame. Perfectly good at explosive seals. Used them for years. HER specialty. Understood exactly how to make them. Up until I asked her for pointers."

"That's-" tried Kakashi.

"She blew herself up, the target, two of her friends, and nearly killed me in the ensuing explosion!" continued to rant Sasuke. "Then there's THIS girl. She was best friends with another one named Ino. Yamanaka clan so they've got that almost-a-bloodline with their mental techniques going. Ino was her best friend until the two decided to compete over me and they're practically at each other's throats anymore."

"Maybe-" tried Kakashi.

"Or Dokuro. By all the deranged kami of this world, there's THAT monster," said Sasuke, turning slightly green and shuddering. "I had to ask the Hokage for ANBU protection and a restraining order. That girl's enough to make a sex-fiend become a celibate monk if it would give him a chance at a life away from her. I was considering choosing a girl to get the rest off my backs once, but she managed to convince me that was a bad idea."

"Oh?" asked Kakashi.

"That poor puppy..." said Sasuke. "At least she's gone. They eventually had to ban her from Konohagakure. Throwing her out of the Academy wasn't enough."

"Ah," said Kakashi, thinking it sounded like Sasuke might have a few issues.

"Can we get her off the team?" asked Sasuke. "Maybe an all-guy team?"

"No, I really don't think that'll work," said Kakashi.

"Urk," said Sakura from where she was sprawled out, having come to enough to hear Sasuke asking about an all-guy team.

"I suppose every team has to have its Load," griped Sasuke. "I was just counting on it to be NARUTO."

"I'll consider transferring her off the team," said Kakashi. "Probation or something."

"Thank you," said Sasuke. "Wait, you mean we pass?"

* * *

"Actually," said the Hokage, "that would work out nicely."

"It would?" asked Kakashi, who'd thought the transfer request would be summarily rejected.

"I've made contact with this group from Mid-Childa who have requested one of their representitives get a slot on Naruto's team," explained the Hokage. "They seem to feel it will benefit relations."

"I see," said Kakashi.

"They've also come up with a couple of potential missions for us to undertake," said the Hokage, putting a ninja-info-sheet on the table.

"Hmmm," hmmmed Kakashi thoughtfully as he glanced at the flimsy. Not that he didn't recognize it. The genin had a picture taken when they got through the Academy specifically for this, which was open for clients to read up on when they were asking about the ninja they were hiring. Sometimes the client would want a specific ninja hired, and this was the sheet used to determine if this was the one they wanted. There was the public version, then there was the Restricted version.

This was sparse enough to be the Public version despite it being the Restricted one, with the name on it being Arturia.

* * *

"He's late, AGAIN," said Sasuke, shaking his head.

Both Naruto and Sasuke decided to ignore Sakura, who was kind of wallowing in misery over the events of the previous day. Naruto was feeling kind of upset over his bodyguard not using the enhancement spell he'd cast over her to, just as an example, keep him from getting slammed into a tree hard enough that he'd just woken up this morning.

Sasuke was upset over Sakura turning into a rabid fangirl with her brain shut down. Something that happened with girls a lot around him, especially since the fanclub had started up, and that annoyed the heck out of him.

"So you work metal?" asked Sasuke eventually.

"Yeah, I find it really relaxes me to pound things out in the metal," said Naruto, fumbling around in a pouch. He eventually drew out a thin metal bracer.

"Well, guys, I was delayed by helping a little old kunoichi with her groceries," began Kakashi as he poofed in. He stopped when he noticed that everyone was paying more attention to some odd metal trinkets that Naruto was pulling out of various pouches and setting out.

"This is beautiful?" asked Sakura, holding a bracelet up to examine it. She wasn't questioning the metal bracer's attractiveness, nor the odd tribal-looking designs on it - it was the whole 'Naruto made something like this' part that was still blowing her mind.

"Hmph," said Sasuke, looking over a long single-edged knife. "You've enhanced the metal? How?"

"Oh," said Naruto. "When I was folding and heating the metal, I used Coeur Blanc to weave in some reinforcement magic. Then I slapped an enchantment on it during the engraving process that made it more permanent. So it won't rust or get dull now that it's been sharpened. Blood or mud or whatever won't stick to it. Just that kind of thing."

"Mind if I keep this?" asked Sasuke, making a few trial passes in the air with it. It wasn't a disposable weapon like a typical kunai, but it did have a nice feel to it.

"I suppose," said Naruto, torn between the desire to hold onto some of his stuff as opposed to helping his team out. Team won. "It's not like I got a place to do this stuff anymore - is all."

Kakashi went over to the little pile of metalcraft and eyed them, finally picking up a little metal sculpture of a dog. Small but with good detail, little scuffs and marks on it even giving it the impression of fur.

"What does this do?" asked Sakura, holding the bracelet up.

"Oh, that was practicing a defensive enchantment," said Naruto. "It didn't turn out right though. The old scrolls I was using said it would protect the whole person like a suit of armor but that only puts out a defensive field about the size of your forearm.

"So, Kakashi-sensei!" said Sakura, putting the bracelet on and changing the subject so that Naruto might not remember to reclaim it when he remembered being knocked out by her failing to protect him yesterday. "What's our first mission going to be like?"

Kakashi looked over the odds and ends that Naruto had made, glanced at Naruto, then down at the scroll in his hands. "Naruto. If you can do things like this, you need to mention it."

"Well, it's just a hobby," said Naruto. "Gal down at the TSAB said it was important for warriors to have hobbies and stuff like that."

"That might be the case," said Kakashi, "but there are missions we could accept where special skills in odd areas would actually be required."

"Oh," said Naruto.

"Nice to see you've recovered from Sakura letting you get hit yesterday," said Kakashi.

"Urk," managed Sakura as Naruto glared at her.

"And it's nice to see Sakura's recovered from trying to use your staff while you were unconscious," continued Kakashi. "Especially after she nearly failed both of you."

"Urk," repeated Sakura, getting glares from Sasuke and Naruto both.

"Sakura, I just wanted to tell you, you're on probation," said Kakashi.

"It won't happen again!" promised Sakura.

"So," said Naruto, turning his attention from Sakura and deciding not to comment on the pieces now missing from his collection, "what's the mission?"

"A farmer isn't able to dig up all the potatoes on his farm, so you get to do it," said Kakashi.

Naruto sighed. "You know, I could have become a wandering sorcerer. Stayed with the TSAB and explored strange new worlds, seeking out new life and new jutsu. No, I had to come back here and become a ninja. So that I could apparently go dig up root vegetables."

Sasuke considered that for a moment, then nodded. "Got a point."

"Well," said Sakura, deciding to try and be cheerful about this. "At least nothing can seriously go wrong with that."

* * *

_Several hours later:_  
"Okay," said Kakashi as he exited the hospital. "Sakura's resting. Fortunately, she was wearing that bracelet and that kept her arm intact."

"Hmpfh," managed Sasuke.

"Well, I honestly can say I did NOT expect that," said Naruto. "I thought picking vegetables would be pretty damn boring."

"It WAS boring," said Sasuke. "For the first couple of minutes. Until Sakura got blown up by a potato."

"I don't think I've ever seen a D-Rank mission go quite that wrong that quickly," admitted Kakashi.

"Why were there paper bombs buried in the field anyway?" asked Naruto. "That's not normal, is it?"

"No, no, that's the first time I've run across that," said Kakashi. "It's in the report I'll hand in to the Hokage, so I expect he'll have an investigation. In the meantime, we're going to have a substitute filling in for Sakura."

"Oh?" asked Sasuke, hoping it wasn't a fangirl.

"Her codename is 'Saber'," said Kakashi.

"'Saber'?" asked Naruto, perking up. "Real name Arturia? Boyfriend's name is Shiro Emiya?"

"I don't know about the boyfriend, but yes," admitted Kakashi. "You know her then?"

"Yeah," said Naruto. "She's with the TSAB. She's a swordmaster, I learned a few things from her while I was there."

"Swordmaster?" asked Sasuke, perking up a bit himself.

* * *

Sasuke wasn't sure WHEN his nice orderly world had gone completely amok. The Who and How were all nicely summed up in the single name of Naruto Uzumaki. Though his Uncle Genma was running a close second of Who, ever since the engagement had been made - Sasuke had wondered if his Uncle Genma had owed something to Naruto's father. That Naruto's father's identity was unknown was suspicious in and of itself.

If Naruto's father turned out to BE Uncle Genma, Sasuke decided that he needed to go off on a long long vacation. Alone.

Things used to be so simple. He could dedicate himself to vengeance, hunt down and kill his brother in dramatic and bloody fashion, then find some girl who was NOT a useless fangirl and resurrect the Uchiha clan.

If he couldn't find a girl who wasn't completely freaking insane maybe there was a jutsu that would allow him to use all of them to replenish the clan. That way he didn't have to associate with any particular loon for very long. Maybe the looniness would breed out. One could hope.

Now Naruto was mastering hijutsu that included healing and enhancement buffs. He'd done a very good job of healing the burns and tears on Sakura. Sasuke had understood that the materials for the repairs had come from Sakura's own reserves and body - and that was one reason that Sakura had ended up resting in the hospital afterwards.

Sasuke looked up as he reached their meeting place in front of the Hokage Tower and saw their temporary team mate.

She was older than either of them, perhaps nineteen or so. Looked to be the stoic type. She was wearing clothing atypical of the ninja village, in that most of the ninja didn't wear armor. Blue cloth visible, but armored gauntlets and breastplate and leggings. Blond hair and blue eyes, unusual but where Naruto somehow looked goofy - the combination looked right on her.

Then there was the sword. A two-handed broadblade.

"Begin," said the woman.

"Coeur Blanc," said Naruto, holding his staff up.

[Yes, My Master. Blade Form.]

The staff shrunk and a blade of white-blue light formed at one end.

Sasuke frowned. Saber had a sword. Naruto had a sword. How did HE not rate a sword? Might have to look into getting one.

The two started fighting, if you could call it that. Naruto was moving around all over the place, Saber stayed in one place. No matter what angle Naruto was attacking from, Saber blocked with apparently no effort at all.

It became more impressive when Naruto used his multiple shadow clones as she continued to do the same thing. Each movement was the minimum necessary to block him, and seemed completely without effort on her part.

"Enough!" said Saber after a few minutes of this. "Naruto. You have not learned anything new, have you?"

"Well, I can't show off too much," said Naruto, jerking a thumb to the side. "Too many witnesses and I don't want to reveal everything I can do."

"Ah," said Saber, putting her sword away.

"Hmph," said Sasuke. If the girl knew how to wield a sword that well, he might be able to learn something from her. Not that he expected those skills to be of any use when it came to picking potatoes.

"So, you must be Sasuke Uchiha, the prodigy," said Saber, inclining her head in greeting.

"Saber, the swordmaster, I presume," acknowledged Sasuke.

A brief wind blew through the street.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed some girls, completely breaking the mood. "SASUKE, YOU CAN'T!"

"They really are annoying aren't they?" asked Saber.

"You have no idea," said Sasuke.

"Oh, I can deal with that much at least," said Naruto. "Coeur Blanc, Barrier Wall."

[Ok. Barrier Wall.]

"That's a pretty weak barrier, it wouldn't keep out more than a sparrow," said Saber.

"Yeah, but it's enough to keep his groupies away," said Naruto. "I can keep it up at this strength for awhile."

"Yes, I realize that," said Saber, glancing towards Sasuke. "Barrier Wall is normally used to secure a campsite from insects and other vermin. It gives a mild shock to those who try and cross the boundary."

_ZAK!_ went one of the girls trying to poke her finger through the faint yellow wall. "YIKES!"

"I really need to learn that one," said Sasuke as he watched the girls getting discouraged.

* * *

Kakashi showed up later, determined that the yellow dome was a minor Thunder technique, and figured out four weaknesses and four uses for it before he finally addressed his genin. "Well, are you ready for today's mission?"

"Are we playing farmers again today?" asked Sasuke wearily.

"No, actually, there's a weaponsmith who hurt his hands, we get to help out in his shop thanks to Naruto demonstrating some basic skill."

Sasuke glanced at Naruto and inclined his head. Not that he had anything against doing hard manual labor, but working with weapons was definitely more his style.

* * *

"All right!" Naruto set to the tools under the eye of the weaponsmith. "I have to do this sort of thing all the time."

"Hmph," said Sasuke, sitting down and watching. Repairing kunai wasn't a big deal.

"I thought you knew how to do this," said the weaponsmith. "You're not even setting up the firebox."

"Coeur Blanc," said Naruto.

[Heat Metal]

The weaponsmith blinked as the kunai arranged on the anvil slowly turned red.

Naruto merely grinned, checked out the various hammers and rasps, and set to the task with a pair of tongs.

The weaponsmith watched after awhile, then went over and got a sword out of the pile. "What about this?"

"Hmmm," said Naruto. "Looks like the metal stressed. Best to melt this down and recast it."

Sasuke wandered away. Sure, he had some interest in weapon repair - but it tended to be very specialized and to master it would be very time-consuming.

Saber was leaning against the front counter and glanced up at him as he approached. "Talking shop?"

"Yeah," agreed Sasuke.

Saber nodded. "It's good to have skills outside direct confrontation. A lot of problems can be solved with a suitable direct application of violence, but not all."

"You're a mage too?" asked Sasuke as he briefly eyed the swordswoman and then started looking over the weapon racks.

"Yes, though not to the extent of some," said Saber. "I'm not able to fly for one thing. I can Flash Step and do short range teleports, but not fly."

"Naruto can fly?" asked Sasuke.

"Oh yes, Coeur Blanc is best at Healing and Support type spells, but he also has access to some Movement and Craft magic," said Saber. "However he's still too slow, not coordinated enough, relies on tricks when he should go for power, and relies on power when being tricky would actually be to his benefit."

"Sounds like him," admitted Sasuke, drawing the long knife he'd gotten from Naruto the previous day. "He made this."

Saber nodded. "When he gets really frustrated or stressed, he goes off and makes things. He's only been doing it for a few months though, so there's a lot he has to learn."

"He was gone a year?" asked Sasuke.

"He showed up on a world called Earth, was put into a hospital by a girl named Vita, recovered, joined in the fight," said Saber, eyes looking at the ceiling as she tried to remember details. "I think he was actually with the TSAB for one year and ten months or so."

* * *

"-how do you avoid crystallization?"

"I can use Coeur Blanc to align the metal while it's liquid."

"Let me tell you how to do it with traditional methods."

Tenten blinked as she came down the stairs, rubbing her damp hair after their early morning mission had gone a little problematic.

Okay, it had involved one of the Akimichi warehouses, rats who had gotten into the soldier pills, lots of running, an open manhole cover, and discovering that there were MORE rats in the sewage system.

What had started out as a D-Rank mission had escalated into ANBU involvement, explosions, burning buildings, explosions involving raw sewage, irate shopkeepers, exploding giant mutant rats, sinkholes swallowing up the Akimichi warehouse, still more explosions, and watching Neji limping out of Anko Mitarashi's house two hours later and severely traumatized by something.

After that, Team Gai had decided to take a break, get washed and a change of clothing, and find something else to do because Neji was shaking and unable to function. Maito Gai himself was unable to continue or oversee training due to having huge reams of paperwork to fill out.

That left her and Rock Lee able to function. Rock Lee would no doubt train his taijutsu. She herself, well, Tenten could admit she was a wee bit shaky herself. It had been a very eventful two hours. With lots of explosions. And smells.

Right now her nose was refusing to process any further information and was out on strike. Her hearing wasn't doing too good either.

"Oh, Tenten, this is Naruto Uzumaki. He's apparently learning the trade," said her father.

"Oh," said Tenten. "Good. I guess."

Her father turned back to Naruto and began making gestures and talking, but her hearing hadn't come back enough yet to make out more than the occasional word.

THIS was Naruto? He looked taller and older than she'd expected. Also better dressed.

Then he took his jacket and overshirt off in order to pick up a hammer and start beating on the metal in front of him.

Tenten's eyes widened a little. Sure she was only thirteen and dedicated to becoming a professional kunoichi weapons specialist. Didn't mean she didn't notice boys. It certainly didn't mean she was unappreciative of the way she could tell that there were cords of lean muscle moving under Naruto's skin where she really didn't expect that level of fitness from someone with a reputation as the class clown.

"-using different quenches to treat the metal-"

"-Reinforcement 'jutsu' aligning the molecules-"

"-try it like this-"

Tenten shook her head and decided to take a seat on the stairs that led up to the living area. If nothing else the heat of the forge would help her dry off easier and she could then put her hair up in its customary double-bun style.

Besides, she could wait for her hearing to return. There was something familiar and comforting in the whole process of making and repairing weapons. She'd seen her father doing it often enough as she grew up.

* * *

Saber took up a position on the walkway in front of the weapons shop. "This is a kusarigama. This is how you use it."

Sasuke watched as Saber started knocking over targets with the weight end, swirled the chain around her, blocked imaginary foes' attacks with the chain, then grabbed a target with a sweep of the chain to pull it close and chop into it with the sickle. Saber then set the kusarigama to the side, picking up the next weapon. "Zanbatou. These are the basic attacks. Because of its size and mass, it is not as versatile or as fast as other swords. Similar techniques can be used with the zhanmadao type of sword."

Sasuke nodded, watching. Her form was, from what he could tell, perfect.

"The larger weapons are for more straight-combat specialists than I would expect from field operatives," said Saber. "Concealable or quickly wielded weapons might be better. For example-"

Sasuke watched as Saber went through the basic stances and attack forms of cutlass, tonfa, katar, bagh nakh, manriki-gusari, lixing chu or meteor hammer, naginata, and the tessen with a few comments about what sort of circumstances one used the weapon in.

Yes, thought Sasuke as a few passerby started asking questions and were then led into the shop. This just might be an interesting period while waiting for Sakura to recover.

* * *

"WACHOOO!"

"Careful Miss Haruno, you almost popped out of your hospital gown."

"I just got this awful chill from something."

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTES:

This was another of the Mid-Childa variants. i dropped this one due to time constraints.


	14. Chapter 14:Wishcraft

**Another Fistful Of Omake**

by Greylle

DISCLAIMER: Original series belong to someone else.  
NOTE: The following are just ideas that are not currently being pursued. Anyone wanting to use or continue them are welcome to, just credit me for the initial twist OK?

Omake 14: Wishcraft  


* * *

"Pfeh," said the Ninetails. "You might as well have given the kit a wish or something."

Toltiir paused. "Hmmm. A possibility."

"What's a possibility?" asked the Ninetails, disliking the look in the eyes of the cat-being.

"In the land of Aramar, a dimensional nexus, I am recognized as Chaotic Neutral - one of two deities of that realm," said Toltiir. "The other being Varros - the god of greed, hoarding, secrets, and wealth."

"Varros, eh?" rumbled the Ninetails.

"Yes," said Toltiir. "In that land, the gods once quarrelled when a powerful type of magic was developed to address specific problems in the 'soft' style of physics that had developed. It was called a Wish. Naturally, all the gods wanted to make sure such a powerful thing was either in their control - or at least not in the hands of their opposite numbers among that pantheon."

"Naturally," said the Ninetails.

"It ended up being ceded to myself," said Toltiir. "Because all agreed that my handling of wishes meant that things would go wrong for the wisher unless the effect were very specific and localized."

"And so balances of power would remain, and the status quo would only change when it would be most amusing," said the Ninetails. "You're an elder god though. Why bother with such things?"

"Because, like these adventures of Naruto, it can be of interest," said Toltiir. "Don't underestimate how boring a lifespan in excess of a 4D universe can be."

"So what has this to do with the brat?" asked the Ninetails.

A paw waved. "Back to original flavor, all changes wiped out. Now, I simply allow THIS to occur."

"An old brass lamp?" asked the Ninetails after the cat had apparently literally pulled something out of his butt.

"The old Three Wishes thing is usually good for a laugh or two," said Toltiir. "Hmmm. Things still don't look quite right. He was only supposed to be shunned, I thought. He's still getting his butt whupped and in that particular instance was nearly killed. That shouldn't have happened."

"Well, wasn't it you who said that you weren't omniscient because it was 'boring' that way?" asked the Ninetails.

"True," admitted Toltiir. He'd just arrange for Naruto to find the lamp while injured.

* * *

Naruto shuddered as he hid in the old warehouse, feeling the wet warmth soaking through his bandages.

Everyone had ignored him, so he'd become loud and pulled pranks. Mainly involving graffiti.

Something had gone wrong though. When he'd tagged a shop that had thrown him out, the owner had come out and started throwing KUNAI at him! Naruto had ducked and dodged, but he'd still gotten hit in his right thigh. He hadn't been able to get away quickly enough after that.

Someone in the crowd had pointed out that nobody'd punished the grocer for putting a kunai in him. That it was some kind of big chance. That they could KILL him.

He'd found he couldn't move, the fear and pain and blood loss all coming together. Several people had wanted him dead and were making an active effort at doing it by kicking and stomping on him.

Eventually someone had come along and they'd scattered.

He'd woken up in a clinic, and the woman there had bandaged him up. Saying it wasn't his fault and that he shouldn't be punished for it, but not saying WHAT wasn't his fault.

He'd gotten maybe a block away from the clinic before someone had spotted him and decided to finish the job. Or something, Naruto wasn't inclined to get more details just yet.

Naruto hid, hearing a few yells from various people looking for him. He had to be quiet. He had to hide. If they caught him, he'd die.

Naruto Uzumaki had discovered a desire to live.

Eventually the noise moved on, and Naruto could raise his head to regard his hiding place.

An old warehouse with spiderwebs everywhere, holes in walls and ceiling and even the floor.

Moving carefully, Naruto snuck around the place. Maybe there was something he could use. It looked as if he needed to stay away from the majority of shops for awhile.

A dull gleam caught his eye, and he went to investigate the floor where wood had warped and revealed a hidden compartment in the floor. Metal gleaming might mean something he could use.

He couldn't decide what it was when he pulled it out. Was it a watering can? One of those whatsits that he saw through the windows of restaurants on feast days - the things that had the gravy in them?

A brief creak outside one wall, and Naruto froze for a moment. The sound didn't repeat though.

Naruto hid with his treasure, just in case.

Deciding to clean it off while he waited, Naruto was startled when smoke began pouring out of it. When the smoke formed a column he was even more surprised. When the smoke solidified into a black cat that grinned up at him, 'surprise' didn't even begin to sum it up.

"Congratulations, Naruto Uzumaki, for you have summoned me, Toltiir, god of mischief," said the cat. "As a reward, you get three wishes!"

"Can you be quiet?" asked Naruto, pleading. "They're gonna kill me if they find me!"

"No they won't," said Toltiir, shaking his head. "First, the only one close by is Hinata Hyuga. Second, I stopped time."

"Who?" asked Naruto.

"Hinata Hyuga," said Toltiir. "Short girl, white eyes."

"Oh, that weird girl that won't look at me?" asked Naruto.

"Yeah, and when she DOES look at you, she looks at you like one of Sasuke's fangirls looks at Sasuke," agreed Toltiir.

"Pshaw, yeah right," said Naruto. "I wish."

"I can't grant that wish, because it's already the case," said the cat. "Come on, give me a wish that shows me you're more than the villagers think you are."

Naruto considered the black cat briefly, shrugged, and then said the first one that came to mind.

* * *

Naruto scowled at the talking cat. "Okay, let's see you do this. I don't like being dead last. I wish I was better at that stuff than that Sasuke!"

"In what way?" asked Toltiir, cocking his head at the boy.

"Better with kunai, better with taijutsu, better with ninjutsu," said Naruto, some bitterness slipping into his voice. "Stronger, faster, smarter! You know, better!"

"Oh," said the cat. "So you wish you were a PROPER epic ninja hero?"

"Yeah!" agreed Naruto, still very skeptical but going full steam ahead. "I'm gonna be Hokage someday, and I wanna be a cool one!"

"Okay, that gives me something to work with," admitted the cat, who was suddenly surrounded by runes that were in all sorts of colors and hues. Slowly he levitated up, eyes gleaming like green lasers, and the cat grinned. "Hmmm. Some appropriate music."

"Eh?" asked Naruto backing up to a wall as he tried to remember what he'd just wished for. The display sufficiently unnerving that he couldn't remember the exact words he'd used a second ago.

In a time of fear and confusion,  
silence charging the air.  
The sunlight is gone, darkness lives on,  
in the heart of the dragon's lair.

[Hand-eye coordination: +40%  
Strength +5  
Dexterity +5  
Stamina +5]

Lost in a world of illusions,  
No trace of the missing ore  
Stealing our souls, we're out of control,  
knocking at death's door.

[Intelligence: +5  
Artistic ability: +40%  
Chakra Control +5]

All our beliefs fading into ashes  
Heed the words that we pray.

[Stealth abilities uprated to level 6!  
Accuracy with Thrown Weapons uprated to level 6!  
Taijutsu style: Musabetsu Kakuto Ryuu!  
Taijutsu style: Jeet Kun Do!]

For a Hero's Return our hearts still yearn  
Rise and conquer, let the infidels burn

[Primary element: Wind  
Adding secondary element: Water  
Adding tertiary element: Earth  
Latent Senju bloodline!]

Now we charge, the battle is raging,  
blood runs everywhere.  
Our anger is fierce, avenging the years,  
No time for a final prayer.

[Added: Now It's Serious mode.  
Added: Pissed Off Beyond All Reason mode.]

Behold, the might of the hammer,  
elliptical bolts of fire  
There's nowhere to run, nowhere to hide  
You're down to the wire

[Digestive System - Fixed  
Learning Disability - Fixed  
Memory Disfunction - Repaired]

Somewhere out there lies a new tomorrow for me and those who believe.

[Herbalism: Expert  
First Aid: Expert.]

For a Hero's Return our hearts still yearn  
Rise and conquer, let the infidels burn  
For a Hero's Return our hearts still yearn  
Rise and conquer, let the infidels burn

Naruto blinked. "What, that's it? Why don't I feel different?"

"Because you have to train to reach the heights you wish to attain, grasshopper," said the black cat, now wearing a gi and sitting in the lotus position while sipping a cup of tea.

"Well, that's a rip," said Naruto, making a dismissive gesture, then frowning as muscles rippled against his suddenly-tight shirt, threatening to rip it "Eh?"

The gi-wearing cat sipped at his tea and looked solemn. "You've got a head start on it. The rest has to come from you."

"What?" asked Naruto as he pinched his biceps and got wide-eyed.

"Truly it is said," said the cat, "that to appreciate fully what one can accomplish - one must strive for it themselves. It is through suffering that growth occurs. Hmmm. Well, unless I'm involved. But I'll let you suffer some anyway."

"You're for real?" asked Naruto, twitching.

"You have two more wishes, little weedhopper," said the cat. "Think carefully."

* * *

"I wish I knew what was going on," began Naruto.

"Welcome to Jjjjjjjjjjjjjeapordized!" said a voice off-screen. "The game show where you, the victim of fate, get to choose how much or what you know. Careful though, because it would require your LAST wish to unlearn what you learn if you can't handle it!"

"You can't handle the truth!" called out one of the people in the studio audience.

"Eh?" asked Naruto, finding himself behind one of three seats. There was now an audience of vaguely-defined people, a board with four rows and six columns dividing it up into small squares. The cat was also wearing an odd sort of suit and talking into a microphone.

"Now, our topics today are," said Toltiir, gesturing at the board. The top of the board flicked up to reveal the column headers.

[Secrets Of Your Past] [Secrets Of Your Future (Potential)] [Who Loves You, Baby] [Secrets Of The Universe] [Enemies Thine] [Secrets Your Enemies Don't Even Know]

"Uhm, if this is a game, who else is playing?" asked Naruto, pointing at the two empty seats.

"Who do you WANT to play this game?" asked Toltiir.

"I dunno," said Naruto.

"That's correct!" said Toltiir as the audience cheered.

_Piff!_ Three girls appeared near the board.

"Uhm," began Naruto.

"A lot of game shows use models to reveal the prizes and such," said Toltiir. "So I figured, why not?"

"Right," said Naruto, deciding to act like he knew what was going on. Which was most assuredly NOT the case, of course.

"Now, where do you want to start?"

Naruto blinked. "Uhm. Why do the villagers hate me?"

"Good question!" called out someone from the audience amongst minor clapping.

"On the day of your birth," began Toltiir as one of the spaces on the board flipped around to reveal Naruto's question. Toltiir quickly explained the Fourth Hokage sealing away the Kyuubi in a young boy to save the village. "Unfortunately, due to people often being completely illogical and making their decisions entirely on emotional content and consensus, the majority view you as the demon-fox instead of the container. Which pretty much goes completely against what the Fourth Hokage was aiming for."

Naruto twitched a few times, his eyes going to the various charts and slides that the cat had pulled out to illustrate various parts of the story.

"Uhm," eventually began Naruto, sniffling at this. "Why did he seal it in ME?"

"Ah hah, we come to the second card under [Secrets Of Your Past]," said Toltiir as that section rotated away as one of the models gestured at it. Revealed was now the question "Who are Naruto's parents?"

"That wasn't my question," pointed out Naruto hesitantly.

_POP!_

"What?" asked a blond man that Naruto recognized.

_POP!_

"What? Minato?" asked a red-haired woman.

"And here to answer that question directly are our guests, Kushina Uzumaki and Minato Namikaze. Your mother and father - direct from the afterlife," said Toltiir.

"I'm... not in the belly of the shinigami?" asked Minato, patting his ripped and acid-burned coat.

"Naruto?" asked Kushina, her eyes tracking to the boy.

"We'll just cut to commercials while the reunion takes place," said Toltiir, dabbing at his eyes with a lace hankerchief.

* * *

Toltiir waited, knowing the boy WAS just an eleven year old boy and who was in pretty serious shock.

The three "models" he'd chosen had broken out of their roles and were discussing things, hesitating to approach himself or the reunited family for different reasons.

Ah, just what he expected. The Fourth Hokage was leaving the mother and child clinging session to approach him. "Yes?"

"You... pulled me out of the belly of the shinigami, and resurrected both of us?" asked Minato.

"Yes and no," responded Toltiir. "This game show setup is suspended in time and space, an area between life and death. It was the simplest way to do it without having to chase down too many repercussions. Neither you nor your wife are currently alive. Naruto is."

"Oh, so this is some sort of temporary thing," said Minato.

"Yes," said Toltiir. "I'm considering adding a couple of his friends as contestants. What do you think?"

"He has friends then?" asked Minato, looking relieved.

"No, not really, if you mean it like traditional friends," said Toltiir. "Most of the village shuns and hates him, mistaking him for the fox and treating him like a pariah."

"They do what?" asked Minato.

"Oh, and Jiraiya is fulfilling his godfather duties - mainly as far from the village as possible acting like a harmless lech and writer of porn," added Toltiir, willing to tell the truth and thereby increase certain chaos. "Though most at least suspect he's also Konoha's master spy."

"Oh, is that so?" asked Minato.

"Why yes," said Toltiir. "As a matter of fact, Naruto can tell you how he recently had a near-death experience because his ANBU guards decided that 'watching' him meant not getting involved when a mob decided to vent upon him."

"I... think maybe I should talk to Naruto," said Minato, his eyes narrowed and a certain tenseness in his jaw.

"He does, however, have the ear of the Third Hokage, who likes him and generally treats him as a somewhat mischievious grandchild that he tries to make time for," noted Toltiir. "Then also - there's Hinata."

"Hinata?" asked Minato, really wanting something happy to focus on since he WAS technically dead and not able to do much.

"Hinata Hyuga, an underconfident girl with severe self-image problems, but who does like your son and would be his friend if she could bring herself to actually talk to him for any length of time," explained Toltiir.

"Oh? Shy girl? A Hyuga?" asked Minato, trying to reconcile shy+Hyuga.

"Yes, which is one of the reasons she has such problems with the rest of her clan," said Toltiir. "Alas, after the questions and answers are through - Naruto will only get one more wish."

"Wish?" asked Minato.

"Oh yes, I'm quite capable of granting any number of wishes to the boy," said the cat-being. "If he were to wish for incredible wealth, or mastery of some jutsu, or his would-be girlfriend to get over her shyness problem, or almost anything, I could do it."

"I see," said Minato, looking over the creature. "Just a moment, I need to talk a bit with Naruto."

"No problem," said Toltiir, making a few changes in the ninja world outside the space-time bubble because he thought they might have amusing consequences. Hmmm. That was odd. Why was Haku a girl? Was it a ripple or just a change that he hadn't remembered making? Oh, well, it didn't seem to make much difference. There really ought to be more kunoichi with bloodlines around anyway.

Ah, the 'models' he'd recruited were now approaching him. They knew WHY they were here, and they knew HOW they were here - he'd been polite enough to make it an offer to some deceased spirits after all. That meant they were approaching him with some other concern while waiting for Naruto's emotional equilibrium to recover enough for them to continue.

* * *

Toltiir nodded at the three, then glanced over at where the family reunion was taking place. He was still 'tweaking' the game show, a sign that despite his multi-tasking - he was getting bored. Which would have caused a lot of beings to scream in horror had they realized.

"Uhm, what about us? We're still..." asked one.

"Oh yes, you're still dead," said Toltiir, making sure that an acoustic trick was in place so that the private conversation was being heard over in the family reunion. "The deal I made with the shinigami is that I won't bring anyone back from the dead that doesn't have a direct familial or clan link to Naruto. Even then, he has to specifically wish for that, and he only has one wish left."

The three 'models' looked at each other, then stole glances at Naruto. "So there's no chance," said one of the models.

"No, there is, he just has to figure it out," said Toltiir. "If you're asking if I have the power to do it. Yes."

"You can?" asked the oldest of the models.

"I can grab every molecule that originally composed your bodies, bring them together and restructure your body down to the last strand of DNA," said Toltiir. "I can even set the age for whatever is most fitting depending on how Naruto words it - if he makes the appropriate wish. Heck, I could make all of you elves or kemonomimi or dragons if he worded the wish right. It all depends on how he words it."

"You can do that?" asked the eldest. "So why don't you?"

"Why?" asked Toltiir. "If I stepped on the authority of the local Death Gods, then they'd be out to make sure you returned to the afterlife in what would most likely be a very painful and gruesome manner. I managed to get a few stipulations in, but that's depending on what Naruto does with that third wish."

"Mikoto?" asked the rehaired mother of Naruto, approaching the three women. "I... have an idea."

* * *

"Now, let's start," said Toltiir after everyone had settled down. He restarted the game, which automatically had the models hit with an "appropriate behavior" compulsion. It wasn't strong enough to FORCE them into their roles, but it would require effort on their part to break out of those roles. "You have 240,000 ryo left, Naruto. Each question costs a certain amount of ryo, depending on its place on the board. If you ask a question that is NOT on the board, you get a prize! What is your next question?"

"Why a game show?" asked Minato.

"Ah ah ah," said Toltiir, waving a paw. "Naruto's the contestant. You two are his advisors, the models are the models to show off prizes and such."

"Prizes? What kind of prizes?" asked Naruto.

The lowest slot opened on the category [Secrets Your Enemies Don't Even Know] was switched over by Mikoto, who then smiled and posed. Followed by her looking slightly disturbed.

"Prizes are randomly determined," said Toltiir. "They include such staples as a lifetime supply of Rice-A-Romi!"

"The San Fernadino Treat!" chirped Mikoto, who then looked VERY disturbed.

Toltiir nodded. "Or other standard prizes including a... NEW CAR!"

The so-far-unnamed Uchiha girl drove out from backstage in a heavily tricked out 1916 Stutz Bearcat.

"Gas not included," said Toltiir. "A washer-dryer set. As well as things normally not found in a gameshow. Wand of Wonder. Portable Hole. Devastating Kiss jutsu. Aura Of Awesome. Stuff like that."

Naruto was not normally a greedy individual. The idea of getting special new jutsu or abilities though...

A familiar form faded in behind Toltiir. EVERYONE (except Naruto) recognized the Shinigami.

The shinigami made a couple of gestures.

"Are you sure?" asked Toltiir, addressing the shinigami. "I've actually been trying to 'color inside the lines' here."

The shinigami gave a thumb's up, causing a few of those present to consider fainting or checking for genjutsu.

"Good news!" said Toltiir as he turned to the group. "As long as I handle the minor details like constructing bodies and reconstructing DNA and bending the laws of space/time - potential Resurrection is on the prize wheel!"

There were a number of gasps at this development.

"Now, just to make sure, this is in addition to the clause XIII-b that was specified regarding Namikaze-Uzumaki clan members and other similar legal ties?" asked Toltiir.

The shinigami stared back.

"Okay, cool, glad to see we're all 'on the same page' so to speak," said Toltiir.

The shinigami faded out, and reappeared in the audience section.

"That seriously creeps me out," said the Fourth Hokage, with a few answering nods from various deceased individuals.

"Okay," said Naruto."Who was that guy who beat me so bad? The one that started everyone else beating on me?"

Toltiir noted Minato paying special attention and figured that if Naruto DID bring his Dad back - this particular individual was going to get a visit. "The kunai thrower was Kasahiko Yamashiro of Leaf Groceries. He wasn't the one that pointed out to the crowd that they could possibly kill you though. That would be Kazuko Tetsugama, who owns Sunshine Dryclean in beautiful downtown Konoha."

_dingdingdingding_ went a bell held by the third model.

"And that question was NOT on the board, so if you'll go over to the prize wheel and give it a spin!" said Toltiir as a humongous wheel with thousands of prizes listed appeared.

Naruto swallowed nervously, aware of all the gazes on him as he went to the prize wheel and gave it a spin as hard as he could. Then there was nearly a minute of nervous waiting as the click-clack noise was all that was heard. Followed by the pointer stopping at [Hot Kunoichi Photobook].

"Uhm, I'm eleven," pointed out Naruto. "What am I supposed to do with 'Hot Kunoichi' pictures?"

Mikoto handed over the picture album with a flourish, then went back to the board to await the next round.

A hand quickly snatched the book away from Naruto, who didn't really try to hold onto it. Kushina then flipped through the book. "Who are these girls?"

"Oh, you wouldn't recognize them, that's how they all look when Naruto would be sixteen," said Toltiir. "Which, of course, means sixteen years after your death."

"This one looks familiar, didn't I see her as a genin fresh out of the Academy?" asked Minato.

"Ah, Kurenai Yuhi," said Toltiir. "Genjutsu expert. Of course she looks a bit different there due to the Compatibility Curse."

"'Compatibility Curse'?" asked Kushina, not looking up from the book she was flipping through.

"Oh yes, to be compatible with Naruto, there would have to be some alterations in her base equations," said Toltiir with a nod. "Age, for example, so as to fit as close within the cultural boundaries as such a relationship is ever likely to get. It's technically a Curse because it would activate and function despite the wishes of any individual involved."

"Oh, these are the names then," said Kushina as she inspected the book.

"What's in there?" asked Minato, craning his neck to try and see despite Kushina's manuevering the book to block him.

"A name and series of photographs," said Kushina, flipping through the book. "Some pictures are perfectly normal, some are not so normal. Taken five years in the future."

"Potential future," corrected Toltiir. "We ready to get back to the game yet?"

"Just a moment," said Kushina, flipping through. "Here we are. You said 'Hinata' earlier."

Minato and Naruto craned closer to look at the picture spread, except for one photo that Kushina's fingers managed to cover for some reason. There was an older, longer haired, Hinata. The first picture, she was looking up while slurping noodles at the counter of some ramen bar. The second picture showed her in a summer yukata with a little fan, looking very shy but happy for some reason. The third showed her sparring against someone a little younger who had the same eyes. The fourth photo showed her apparently relaxing in a hot spring, mostly concealed by the water. The fifth photo was concealed. The sixth photo showed a Hinata that was standing on the top of the Hokage monument, looking out at a sunset, her expression captured from the side and serene. A seventh photo showed her standing before Naruto in some crater somewhere, preparing to fight someone the photo didn't catch - other than a piece of dark cloth with red clouds on it.

"These are typical of the other photos?" asked Minato.

"Yes," said Kushina, glancing at the cat. "I honestly expected more than one nude shot."

Toltiir shrugged.

"Okay, back to the game," said Minato finally, judging that they needed to get through this. "Then the final wish."

"Right," said Toltiir. "Now, Naruto... next question!"

"You didn't answer my last question," complained Naruto.

"Eh?" asked Toltiir.

"What am I supposed to do with 'Hot Kunoichi Pictures'?" asked Naruto.

"They may be useful in bribing Jiraiya for training," said Toltiir. "There are also some magical qualities regarding the book and the photos. If you break off the pattern that would have you end up with one of these girls, the wedding picture will fade out."

"I dunno," said Naruto as his mother flipped through the book quickly to find the Wedding Photo page.

"Why are there pictures with more than one bride?" asked Kushina, who then quickly noted a resemblence between certain models and certain potential brides.

"It's funnier and more chaos is available, and would certainly torque the shorts of certain individuals who are suffering from a humor deficit," said Toltiir.

Kushina fought down the sudden impulse to break out victory fans and say something about how manly her son was, correctly deducing that such a thing was from an outside influence.

Toltiir winked at the mother, confirming where that impulse had originated.

"Excuse me," said Mikoto. "That question wasn't on the board either, was it?"

"That was during a pause," said Toltiir. "Please. I'm already giving you a free ride on so much. Don't push it."

"Okay," said Naruto, rolling up his sleeves. "Next question! That board says '[Secrets My Enemies Don't Even Know]' so - who are my enemies?"

"Right now, most of the village," answered Toltiir as one of the other cards was turned around by a model and the total of Naruto's ryo went down a corresponding amount. "There are also enemies that you'll make in the future, especially if certain vengeance-obsessed ninja get their chance to betray their village later. The ones you have right now at this moment?"

Naruto nodded, a little intimidated by the expression on two of the models. Not that it was there when he looked again.

"Right now, there's your teacher Mizuki, and also the teachers Sune and Shimizu to a lesser extent," said Toltiir. "Orochimaru will be your enemy on several occasions though he doesn't hold you in high enough regard to really consider you an enemy. Then there's Madara Uchiha, who will be your enemy as soon as he learns that you still exist and aren't a complete idiot and therefore of no consequence."

The shinigami stirred in his seat in the audience, somehow giving off both annoyance and anticipation.

"Yes, yes, I know," said Toltiir with a nod in the direction of the death-spirit. "Then, of course, as a ninja of Konoha - there are the villages not currently at war with Konoha but who would just as soon kill you than tolerate you. There's the Akatsuki members. There are some who would want to kill you because of your father. There are even the two councillors and Danzo and members of ROOT who'd just as soon throw you into a dark dungeon and only turn you loose when they needed a weapon."

"Oh," said Naruto. "Bad guys, huh?"

"Yes, bad guys," agreed Toltiir as another card flipped over on the board and Naruto's account went down a smaller amount.

"So, if I gots enemies," said Naruto. "I need friends then. Uhm. Wait a minute."

Minato gave his son's shoulder a squeeze, then shook his head once when Naruto looked up at him. "Let your mother deal with some icky old paperwork. You know paperwork is something all Hokage have to do, but all Hokage that I've ever met really don't LIKE to deal with the paperwork."

"Oh," said Naruto, glancing at where the models were scribbling out something on paper with his mother. Well, whatever. "Well, uhm. What exactly IS this demon fox thing?"

"Once upon a time, there was a worldwide civilization," said Toltiir. "It wasn't a Golden Age exactly. It had its problems, some bigger than others. You can see buildings and such left over from that age in places like Sora-ku. Then came the Ten Tailed Beast. The devices of that age failed as the Beast's coming altered the laws of physics just enough to turn their devices of science inoperable. This Age of the Beast ended when the Sage Of Six Paths split the Ten Tails into nine different Tailed Beasts. Each of whom is a powerful beast sealed inside what is termed a jinchuriki."

"You've gotta be kidding me."

Everyone glanced at Minato.

"The Sage Of The Six Paths? The Ten Tailed Beast? They aren't just myths?" asked Minato.

"No, and it's been less than a thousand years," noted Toltiir. "You'd think better records would have survived. When the Beast arrived, physics were changed. Magic returned to the world. In order to use anything that requires electricity, a means of using lightning-aspect chakra had to be found instead. Of course, a lot of records of that time were lost because they WERE all digital at that time. Then during the Age of the Beast, large population concentrations were targetted by that Beast - making survival enough of a priority that a good deal of knowledge was lost."

Naruto, his parents, and the models all looked at the images of the World Before, the Beast, and the Sage as Toltiir floated them by. It might not be true in ALL timelines with Naruto in them, but it was true of this one in particular.

"So, the Nine Tails is the biggest portion of the Ten Tailed Beast," said Toltiir. "Now. Next question?"

"Actually," said Kushina, handing Naruto a piece of paper. "I think it's time for that third wish before something goes wrong."

* * *

"I wish," said Naruto, who then paused. It felt as if the world had gone silent with held breath in anticipation of his next words. No. More than that. He licked nervous lips, glanced down at the paper, and began again. "I wish that all members of my clan, defined within the contents of this paper - would be resurrected in full health with all appropriate possessions. This would include all retainers, servants, meido, drow elves, catgirls, pets, loveslaves, gynoids, androids, analogue crossover characters, and so on. This should also include a place to house them and infrastructure thereof."

_SNATCH!_

Kushina Uzumaki frowned at the paper. Sure enough, there was a lot of things scribbled on there that had NOT been there when she'd written it.

Toltiir grinned, not an especially evil grin, but one that could cause concern nonetheless. "Oh, that is SO granted."

He could get flamboyant and over-the-top with something like that. Which suited him just fine.

* * *

Hiruzen Sarutobi knew it the moment it happened. A chakra surge that was sufficient to cause him to black out and only shakily get to his feet several minutes later.

"Hokage-sama, it's the same everywhere," said a chunin he didn't recognize who helped him to his chair. "Every jonin and special jonin collapsed at the same time. Even a few of the more experienced chunin experienced the symptoms."

The Third Hokage considered the chunin briefly. "Do you mean to say that the more powerful the ninja, the more disabled they were by this whatever-it-was?"

"Yes, Hokage-sama," said the chunin.

"I don't recognize you," said the Hokage.

"Tetsuo, sir," said the chunin. "I'm a file clerk, third class. I was one of the least affected."

"Ah," said the Hokage. A paperwork specialist, but one who had the presence of mind to observe events and come to some initial conclusions. Whereas he himself still felt as if he had tried to best Tsunade in a drinking contest the night before. "You have some conclusions?"

"Sir," said the file clerk, third class. "The more accomplished the ninja, the greater their chakra reserves and control, the longer they were unconscious following the event. Those with minimal chakra, such as myself, were mostly unaffected. To that end, I put out orders in your name that village entries were to be watched by recovering genin in case this was a prelude to an attack. It seemed unlikely, but..."

Hiruzen Sarutobi settled back into his chair, taking his hat off in order to rub his head. "Tea. I think I'll need some. What else?"

"There has been no sign of attack, so I sent a request for those medical staff not affected to check conditions of those affected and administer treatment where applicable," said Tetsuo. "I understand that I have overstepped my boundaries, Hokage-sama, and I submit myself for punishment as you deem fit."

"Tea first," said the Hokage, who was thinking of punishing this file clerk by promoting him. "Anything else?"

"No, Hokage-sama," said Tetsuo, bowing again for what seemed like the twelfth time during this conversation. "Further information is still being accumulated."

"Good, now get me that tea, and bring the whole pot not just a cup," said the Hokage. "Then go and accumulate that information so I can find out what that was as soon as possible."

* * *

"Let's see," said Toltiir, shifting his form from the usual cat to something a little more in keeping with the ninja village motif. He'd already pulled enough power to do this properly together, carefully shaping it so that it didn't disrupt local space/time too much. Though the more sensitive users of chakra would have felt the surge.

Now, where to put the Namikaze/Uzumaki compound? It had to be fairly nice, he was doing a quality job here. Something "splashy" if he had the term right. These were not the sneak-up-behind-someone-in-the-middle-of-the-night sort of ninja after all. They'd started out that way, but were currently more along the line of ninja-mages. Heck, he could set up a Hogwarts style Academy and it would only require minor tweaking for this group and setting.

Hmmmm. What would be best?

* * *

Toltiir briefly considered using the castle from the Miyazaki movie.

Once he'd reluctantly tabled that one, due to various problems matching it up with this universe and the possibility of less than funny results a generation later - he moved on to other possibilities.

"What ARE those?" asked Kushina Uzumaki, staring at the images as they flickered from one to another.

"Flying castles," answered Toltiir. "Even if it's invisible MOST of the time, gotta know what it looks like. Besides, there will always be times when an enemy or a spell or some attack knocks the invisible aspect off. Hmmm. Have to look into getting you a mechanic or a mage, depending on what I go with."

"Flying... castles?" asked Minato.

"I think I'll go with a modification of Himeji Castle," said Toltiir as the images continued to flick around, this time with a particular castle's image. "The Shirasagi-jo. Add a bit of forest around it. Protective dome. Stick it 22,300 miles up. No, better make it an even 100,000 miles."

"If it's really far away, how do I get to it?" complained Naruto, who thought that sounded like way far away.

"Doors that use curved space/time," said Toltiir. "I'll stick the Gate... right there."

* * *

The Hokage stared as a brass door slammed into the ground not far from where his tower stood.

"What's that?" asked a familiar voice.

The Hokage looked upwards, spotting quickly that there was a bright point of light in the sky he hadn't remembered seeing earlier.

* * *

"Oh wowwwwwwwwwwwww," drawled out Naruto, pressing his face against the transparent crystalline duramantium of the dome.

Kushina, Minato, and the various others observed it from a better distance as if a few feet really made that much of a difference.

A world rotated below them, with the curlicues and streaks of clouds.

"I wish Jiraiya could see this," said Minato after awhile.

"I think I'm going to be ill," said Kushina, feeling some vertigo.

"Oh, good thing you reminded me," said Toltiir, his tail snapping out and making a crackling noise. "Almost forgot the waste disposal and plumbing. Have to put in a power system too. The solar panels on the underside are fine for most of the power requirements, but you'll need something for shields and to run the season-emulation on the weather control."

"I don't understand," complained Naruto.

"I needed to fix something," said Toltiir.

"Oh, okay," said Naruto who then went back to looking outside.

"So, we're... alive?" asked Mikoto Uchiha.

"Yes, as long as you remain retainers of the Uzumaki Clan, the agreement holds," said Toltiir. "Or whatever designation you choose or are assigned. It's the connection to the Uzumaki-Namikaze clan that provides the loophole for your resurrection after all. Or should that be Namikaze-Uzumaki. Uzukaze? Namimake?"

"Naruto's clan," provided Minato.

"Good, now, unless I forgot something, I think that'll do," said Toltiir. "Gateway back to Konoha is located at the far end of that road."

The cat faded out, starting with the tip of the tail, finishing with a cheshire cattish sort of manic grin that hung in the air for a moment and then disappeared with a soft popping noise.

* * *

The Third Hokage blinked and looked down at the little girl who was tugging on his pants leg. "Yes?"

"Hi! I'm Nina!" said the little girl. "This is Alexander!"

The Third Hokage nodded to the dog as well. "If you'll excuse me, Nina."

Hiruzen Sarutobi was many things. On seeing Minato and Kushina standing there, he first checked for genjutsu. On seeing others whom he KNEW were dead, standing around and waiting for him, he had to check again.

"Minato?" asked Hiruzen. "How?"

"Naruto," said Minato. "Shall we get to the office?"

"Oh yes, I think that might be a good idea," said the Third to the Fourth.

* * *

"So, you are real," said the Third Hokage.

"Yes," said Minato.

"This is going to cause Iwa to crap their collective pants," said the Third, looking out at the monument mountain through his window. "Not only that the Yellow Flash has returned from the dead - but that his SON fought his way out of the Underworld and made a deal with the Shikigami that returned people who have been dead a decade."

"Oh yeah," said Minato. "Let them."

"There will be assassination attempts," said the Third.

"Perhaps," said the Fourth.

The Third glanced back at his colleague, having expected more threat and less speculation in the response.

"Naruto didn't defeat the god of death to win the freedom of myself and the others," said Minato. "There was a deal made between a god of mischief and the death god."

"Yes, but the rumors already circulating indicate that Naruto managed to beat the god of death in some game of chance, and as a result was able to bring back to life many of those whose lives were cut untimely short," said Hiruzen Sarutobi.

"Rumors are rumors," said Minato, shrugging. "No, I'm still trying to figure out what that deal consisted of. There's always give and take on those sorts of things - so what does a death god want?"

"That's... a very good question," said the Third.

* * *

"Hi, I'm Nina, this is Alexander!" chirped a little girl. "That's a BIG doggie!"

"Yes, this is my dog partner, Kuromaru," said Tsume Inuzuka. "Is Alexander your dog partner?"

Alexander woofed.

"Really?" asked Kuromaru directly.

Alexander woofed again.

"Fascinating," said Kuromaru. "What was so bad that her memories were largely wiped?"

"Eh?" asked Nina.

Alexander woofed and growled.

"We have a version of that, but it's not painful and is temporary," said Kuromaru. "Come along, we'll get you settled."

"Excuse me?" asked Tsume.

"Kid's going to need training," said Kuromaru. "Besides, I've got to hear the full version of this story."

* * *

Sasuke Uchiha brooded as he considered what he'd seen. What he'd been unable to accept at the time. What he now knew was likely true.

His mother was back. As well as that annoying cousin of his.

Back from the dead. This was good.

Back as SERVANTS of the dead-last clown of the Academy. This was not good.

He had to do something.

* * *

If one approached it from space, one would at first see it like a desktop snowglobe with Himeji Castle surrounded by forest. The base might be a bit thick, but it would look similar enough. The glitters underneath would not immediately be as easily understood.

When that hypothetical traveller got closer, the glitters underneath would be revealed as tiny rectangles.

When that hypothetical traveller was fairly close, the scope of what they were seeing began to penetrate.

The castle complex had a circumference of 2.53 miles. In order to give it proper room and clearance, the dome itself was five times that area or 12 miles roughly.

Beneath the dome, the thick "base" of the snowglobe itself extended another half-mile, followed by a spidery network of connectors that held hundreds of solar panels.

There was also a space-dock, a large pennant reading 'shaved ice' and another reading 'cold drinks' while a neon sign underneath the dome had the slogan 'Don't Panic' in friendly pink lettering.

If one were to look in upon that place, they would see two people wandering the grounds - with one reading as he walked.

"Shiro."

"Saber."

"Continue reading up on repairs," said Saber. "I believe that your talents may be of use in this. I am going to try out those."

Shiro Emiya blinked and looked up from the copy of 'Space Colony Engines For Dummies' to see what Saber was pointing at. "What? How can those work. I mean - we're in space. No atmosphere."

"How can there be a space station of such size, put into an apparently stable orbit, be created in the blink of an eye?" asked Saber with an "isn't it obvious?" tone to her voice. "An eldritch god did it."

"Oh, good point," said Shiro. "This I've got to see."

Saber inclined her head after a moment. "I admit. I'm finding the idea somewhat... intriguing myself."

"Why do we have pointed ears?" asked Shiro.

"I suspect we shall find out in due time," said Saber as she walked towards the stables. The saddles looked a little different from what she was used to, but close enough that she could figure them out. Space Dragon Calvalry. It needed to be investigated.

* * *

Mikoto Uchiha didn't have that much trouble with the maid uniform. It was comfortable and the ruffles and frills contained enough places to hide eight kunai, six senbon, and two collapsible shuriken. Though finding that the accessories included a katana and wakizashi was a bit odd, but she supposed that the head ninja maid would need some signs of authority. It wasn't as if she didn't know how to use such things anyway.

And it beat being dead. That was something to keep in mind.

So she walked along the barracks of the guards, which was the Ninja Maid squad. She noted that different weapons were in place - so less a standard gear and more squad-based. Did she want to set up squads specifically equipped with weapons (ie: naginata squad, katana squad, archery squad, etc) or mix them up (squads composed with a naginata wielder, katana wielder, dual kodachi wielder, archer, etc.)

Maybe both, have them designated as either and switch between groupings as needed?

Ah, decisions, decisions.

Then there were the Space Dragon Calvalry. She could see at least one of which was deployed and flying around the station already. No, that was exterior defense. She'd concentrate on interior.

* * *

The Sandaime Hokage had chosen his weapon carefully, and it rested casually against one shoulder as he slowly walked up to the gate.

The two ANBU, Cat and Hawk, followed three paces behind him. He didn't think they'd be needed, but it was part of their job and as soon as he was situated - they could find something to amuse themselves with.

"Hiruzen Sarutobi, right?" asked the younger of the girls who were standing at the bronze door. "Rin Tohsaka."

The other girl, looking quite different, merely dipped her head in respect - though her eyes never stopped looking around for potential threats.

"Don't mind Caster," said Rin. "She's just... Caster. The door is open for you and your attendants."

"Ah," said Hiruzen, nodding. He knew a few like that.

As he'd observed, the door simply faded a little in color as he'd approached. Then he simply walked through it.

The other side was a road leading up from a gatehouse, with a night sky unusually brilliant overhead.

The castle was the main road, but the Hokage had directions and took a side path through the woods surrounding it.

Finally he reached the lake, a crystalline clear lake fed by a small waterfall that spread out amongst that forest.

Taking his weapon, an old fishing pole, Hiruzen Sarutobi cast the line into the water and decided it was time to forego paperwork for a bit.

* * *

Midori Uchiha, if you ignored certain things, would strongly resemble a much younger Mikoto Uchiha. A year younger than Sasuke, she'd been six years old when she'd been killed by Itachi Uchiha.

When she'd been reborn as a ninja-maid of the Namikaze Clan, her body had reformed at age eleven.

The most startling thing about Midori was her eyes. When she'd been born, instead of the typical black of an Uchiha, they'd been a brilliant shade of green. Now at eleven, they were a duller green - more the shade of a leaf or fresh pine needle.

She'd attended a few meetings alongside her mother, and had been unsure of many things regarding the planned coup.

Now though - she understood a bit better. Her clan had been manipulated and shoved into a situation where it would rebel against the Konoha authorities. When that had occurred, Hiruzen Sarutobi had still tried to make a deal - unfortunately he had been unable to make a deal with the head of the clan.

So she was not completely trusting of either Mikoto, nor of Konohagakure.

Fortunately, she was working for a different division where she wasn't required to interact with either all that much. She was one of the kitchen staff.

That Midori had technically not existed prior to Toltiir messing around with the timeline didn't matter, of course. Mikoto and Sasuke could both remember her, though they hadn't associated much with such a minor family that was mainly concerned with their bakery.

* * *

"You're Alexander? And you are?" asked Kuromaru as the pack gathered around and sniffed the newcomers.

"Arf."

"'Chibi'? That's not a very good name," muttered one of the other pack members.

"Well, welcome anyway," said Kuromaru. "We'll get to training shortly."

* * *

Saber sat in the saddle and gradually calmed down. She was not exploding from decompression. She was not having trouble breathing. She knew enough from Shiro's time that she HAD been aware of the possibilities.

Instead she was on the back of a six-winged dragon that apparently had absolutely no problem flying without an atmosphere. It was also fast and one of the twelve such dragons they had. It was fairly small as dragons went though, merely three times her body length.

The dragons turned out to have a "stables" which was outside the dome itself, sort of an outbuilding. They could go in and out of the dragon-sized-hatch on the docking module (or whatever you wanted to call that area) without any problem.

The world turned beneath her as she brought her steed to dead slow, aware of Rider joining her from a few hundred yards away. They just sat and watched the world turn beneath them.

Rider said something, but the voice actually came from a section of the dragon's saddle.

"Who else made it?" asked Rider.

"Not sure yet," answered Saber. "Sakura, Rin, Shiro. Those I've seen since we've arrived here."

"I knew about Sakura," said Rider. "Caster made it as well. Interesting."

"There are others, some of power," said Saber. "They might require watching."

* * *

_Flashback:  
Earth 618_

"No," said Balder.

"What?" asked Loki, his smirk vanishing. How dare this puppet rebel yet further against the puppetmaster?

"Kelda would not have wanted the slayer of her lover to go free," said Balder, his voice carrying easily to the Asgardians nearby. "She had said that 'death was her companion.' So be it. Let the funeral barge that contains William also contain Kelda, so that they can be together in death."

Balder turned his back on Loki, figuratively and literally. "Bill has proven himself to be a warrior and one of honor. For the service he has done us, for Kelda's desires, let this much at least be done."

* * *

_Flashback:  
A little later, subdimensional pocket formed within Earth 618 continuity_

"Life again?" asked Bill.

"Yes indeed," said the cat. "In fact, I can take care of something while I'm at it."

Kelda moved forward with wind-assisted speed as the spear of light slammed down into her William. Unfortunately, her hands passed directly through the cat as if he were smoke. Except that smoke didn't normally make a face and reform after one had finished.

"You're an Asgardian," pointed out Toltiir. "That means your body tissues are three times as dense as a human's. Even with your mystical talents, just having a relationship with a human is difficult."

"What did you do?" asked Kelda, ready to try summoning the power of the storm into this void.

"I've increased his strength and durability to the point where you two can consummate a relationship," said Toltiir, cocking his head. "You smooshing him to jelly accidently isn't very funny, you know. An occasional broken rib, major bruising, or such - that could be another matter altogether. I've also given him some basic superpowers and the title of God Of Cooking, Third Class."

"A... god of cooking?" asked Kelda, blinking and slowly lowering her hand.

"Yeah, immune to fire, able to summon his Holy Frypan Of Doom," said Toltiir, shrugging. "Stuff like that. He's able to summon kitchen equipment out of stuffspace, identify ingredients, longevity, ability to fly using a Great Big Spatula as a broomstick, and so on."

"He's durable enough to..." asked Kelda, turning her attention to where Bill was checking himself out. He was wearing workboots, blue jeans, baseball hat, and t-shirt with the usual apron in place. Looking somewhat bewildered as he pulled out a metal spatula that could probably count as a polearm.

"I copied Ukyo Kuonji's combat-spatula and added a few enchants on it," said Toltiir, waving off the point. "Eh, I was curious. Couldn't recall off the top of my head having seen any magic combat-spatulas so it really needed to be done at some point."

"I... see," said Kelda. "Uhm. Could you do one thing?"

"Oh?" asked Toltiir, sensing the mischief in the goddess and approving of the attitude change.

* * *

"Naruto! I challenge you!"

"Eh?" asked Naruto, blinking a couple of times as he found himself suddenly confronted by Sasuke Uchiha. "Why?"

"To free my mother from being your slave!" declared Sasuke.

Naruto scratched his head. "Uhm. She's not a slave. She's the head maid of my clan."

"Don't banter words with me!" said Sasuke as he leapt forward, chambering a fist.

_CLANG!_

Sasuke blinked as a large combat spatula had come to rest atop his head. "That didn't hurt, you know."

Midori Uchiha pulled back her weapon. "Hey, knock off hitting my boss!"

"Oh, you were one of the models, weren't you?" asked Naruto, placing the green eyes.

"Yup, Midori Uchiha," said Midori. "Kitchen staff. I'm gonna be attending class with ya."

"Stop interfering with my attempts to free my mother," warned Sasuke.

"You do realize that the contract is such that if we leave Lord Naruto's service," said Midori, noting Sasuke's flinch at the term and therefore deciding to use it at every opportunity, "then we return to being dead?"

"Eh?" asked Sasuke, his anger suddenly dropping away to a cold horror.

The eleven year old girl shrugged as she slung her ninja weapon behind her. Hey, she was a ninja bakery store heir. Of course she used various breadmaking tools as weapons. "That's what everyone thinks is the case. Though I suppose as it's his clan we're actually serving, we'd have to be dismissed from the clan and not Lord Naruto's personal service."

"Oh," said Naruto. "I hadn't thought about that."

Sasuke looked from one to the other of the two eleven-year-olds then around at their class. Odd, there seemed to be a few new faces there too.


	15. Chapter 15:Mitternacht, take two

**Another Fistful Of Omake**

by Greylle

DISCLAIMER: Original series belong to someone else.  
NOTE: The following are just ideas that are not currently being pursued. Anyone wanting to use or continue them are welcome to, just credit me for the initial twist OK?

Omake 15: Mitternacht, take two  


* * *

The being known as Toltiir was old and powerful, and somewhat bored. Which could be quite troublesome for the beings who caught his attention for an eon-moment.

Having found Naruto and the timelines involving his world, he meddled. For this particular world, since it WAS a world where powerful magic/jutsu were involved, he decided to forge a major aspect of himself to do the meddling.

Until this juncture, he'd settled for relatively minor tweaks. Forming a temporary body that resembled Genma Saotome of a Ranma timeline, he'd impersonated a long-lost Uncle Genma Fukayu of the Uchiha clan to meddle directly in certain people's developments.

Which had indirectly caused Naruto to be locked in a room with his fiancee Hinata Hyuga while various people monitored the situation to determine if the Ninetailed Demon Fox was possessing him instead of just being his prisoner.

Having determined that magic, and powerful magic at that, would provide for amusing adventure and misadventure - Toltiir had meddled in several timelines - addressing some non-amusing issues he'd noticed in the doing so.

As for the magic to use, well, there were different approaches here and there. It was just a matter of choosing.

It was just a matter of knowing where to go, and how to get there. For Toltiir it was a snap, just finding the right world, putting things in motion. For those of Hinata's world it was less than thirty seconds.

For Naruto, it had been four years.

"Silent Barrier!" said Naruto, his black staff thumping once on the ground. "We can't be eavesdropped on or overheard until I drop this. Where to start?"

"Start with when you disappeared," said the Hokage.

"When I vanished here, I went to a world..." Naruto's voice trailed off. "It was a world at war. A terrible war. They had great and powerful magic. Everyone had access to what we'd consider miracles."

Naruto went silent again for a moment, so the Hokage asked the obvious question. "'magic'? 'miracles'?"

"Magic is another word for genjutsu and ninjutsu when neither is used by a ninja," explained Naruto. "As for 'miracles' - yeah. I've seen crystal cities. Other cities that floated up in the air. There were crystal waterfalls and forests the color of a rainbow. There were ships that could sail the skies and even beyond. There was stuff like the TVs and refrigerators we've got, but - so much better. More developed."

"How long were you there?" asked the Hokage.

"I was gone for four years," said Naruto, putting a gold bar on the counter and motioning to Teuchi.

"Uhm," said the proprietor of Ichiraku's as he glanced at the Hokage and the others with Naruto.

"All that is said here is secret," said Naruto. "Unless you say different, sir?"

"Just call me what you used to, Naruto, I'm still getting used to the difference in your attitude," said the Hokage. "As for the proprietor and his daughter, I'm sure they hear many secrets and know how to keep them to themselves."

Teuchi nodded and set the bowl in front of Naruto before moving back to the stove to give the authorities their privacy. Never mind at the moment that Naruto had just paid enough for Ramen For Life. That was a concern for much later.

Naruto ate slowly, clearly savoring each sip or bite, speaking only in between feeding himself. "That world was at war and I arrived in the middle of it. There were three sides. The Prosperity Alliance, the Defensive Union, and the Progressive Powers. They'd been fighting for maybe four years before I arrived, and it looked as if the Progressives were on the losing end. They created a sort of 'weak point' in reality, trying to summon powers to them. They got it."

"Ah, so they got you because of THAT then," guessed the Hokage as he indicated a "#3" to the ramen shop owner. Some hot broth would feel good on his throat.

"Yeah, that was what THEY figured too," said Naruto. "They might have tried tearing it loose too, except they got a bigger fish. A god from another world in the process of dying, killed by another god, and they bound it in a sword. Doing it cracked their fortress in half. Which is when I escaped."

"A sword?" asked the Hokage, glancing at the staff.

"Mitternacht can take the forms of a key, a staff, or a sword," said Naruto. "Depending on what I'm doing with her. Anyway, when everything was going wrong and something else was trying to get in through their rift, I grabbed the sword and escaped. Before I got completely out of there though, I had Mitternacht seal the rift since it had lost enough energy she could do that."

The staff pulsed, a deep red that started in the middle and rippled out to the ends before fading.

"Hello, Mitterunachtu," said the Hokage, playing a hunch. "Thank you for being a friend to Naruto."

The staff pulsed again.

"She's not much of a talker," explained Naruto. "We wandered that world. Mitternacht used her Absorb Magic ability to defend us from some stuff. I used Shadow Clones and what she could teach me to survive otherwise. Everybody escalated their efforts. The war got worse. Lots worse. The war didn't stop with the soldiers and such, civilians got caught in the fighting. It didn't matter who you were, you were someone's enemy."

The ANBU who were present stirred, and the Hokage sighed. Those old enough remembered what it was like before the Fourth killed enough of the other side that peace could be accepted. "Sounds like the last Ninja War. It's why we hold onto peace as fiercely as we do."

"Yeah," said Naruto. "I held on. There was a community, a few mages from the Defensive Union on this really big island. Survivors there, four or five families. When the fighting finally stopped, I went wandering again. Found this old guy. Bunch of others. Place called the Springfield Farm where they'd retreated to when it all went to hell."

The Third Hokage looked at Naruto, saw his eyes, and felt like shedding a tear for the lost innocence. He'd seen so much of it destroyed in the War, the constant battles and death taking its toll on the living. He'd placed the look the moment Naruto had returned to them.

"The TSAB, that's Time/Space Administration Bureau, found our world after a few months. The old man applied for refugee status. We got out. Some of the people from Mid-Childa are apparently researching that world now."

"I see," said the Hokage.

Naruto's cool gaze regarded the Hokage briefly. The sadness and loss on the old man's face said volumes. "Yeah. Guess you do at that." You didn't need to lose a whole world to get into that feeling of helpless loss. To see people you care about dying on a daily basis. In the short term you got numb, in the long term - you found a way to deal with it or it drove you mad.

"Still want to be Hokage, even though you might have to lead your people if there's a war?" asked Hiruzen Sarutobi.

Naruto finished slurping up the last bit of ramen. "Yeah. Actually. More than ever. Though if anyone declares war on Konoha, me and Mitternacht are going to have a few things to say to them."

The staff pulsed again, somehow giving the impression of agreement with that sentiment.

"So what's the plan?" asked Naruto. "I'm back but I'm sixteen."

"You could always use a henge to look younger, but I've got a cover I can circulate about a time/space jutsu gone wrong," said the Hokage. "The problem will be getting people to accept you. You can't simply command something like that, even if you're the Hokage."

"Yeah, you've tried that before," said Naruto humorlessly.

"You say you've been gone four years," said the Hokage. "Yet when you returned, not a full minute had passed. Hinata is... confused and concerned."

"So what's the plan?" repeated Naruto.

"I pass the word around about you getting caught in an experimental time/space jutsu, aging four years and returning to us," said the Hokage. "That'll explain the changes. Everything else will be up to you. It might help if we put you back on the same path you were, which would be placement on a genin team. That will give me time to work on some of the other problems involved."

"Uh huh," said Naruto. "Gonna be strange to see everyone after all this time."

* * *

Naruto at sixteen was much taller than either of the other two members of his team.

"Tiresome," said Naruto as he regarded the two kids. It was odd how he could remember them, but the four years between them and him made such a difference.

"A 'space/time jutsu gone wrong'?" asked Sakura as she stared. Naruto was BIG. From the shortest in class, he was now tall and broad-shouldered, solid-looking. He also had a tendency to brood with sad-looking eyes that apparently saw nothing around him.

"Yeah, something like that," said Naruto dismissively.

"Hmpf," said Sasuke.

"So... what happened?" asked Sakura, her reluctance to even talk to Naruto momentarily overwhelmed by curiosity.

"Four years of stuff I can't talk about yet," said Naruto. "Hokage's going over the reports, handing out decisions later."

"Oh," said Sakura.

"You've seen people die around you," said Sasuke abruptly.

"Yes," said Naruto.

"People you knew, people you cared about," said Sasuke.

"Oh yes," said Naruto.

"It never really goes away," said Sasuke, turning so he was addressing Naruto directly now.

"No, I suppose it doesn't," agreed Naruto.

"Hmph," said Sasuke, nodding. "Just hold up your end."

Naruto's mouth crooked up, just a bit, at the edge. "You too."

* * *

_Three hours later:_

"Okay, introductions, likes, dislikes, dreams, that sort of thing. Let's just get it out of the way, shall we?"

"Ladies first," said Naruto. "Let's add though. Favorite jutsu, skill specialization?"

Sasuke nodded his agreement.

"Okay, that's fine," said Kakashi. "Well, pinkie?"

"Errr," said Sakura, trying to think fast. "Sakura Haruno. I like... my dream is... and my favorite jutsu would be bunshin?"

"Was that a question?" asked Kakashi, whose tone indicated he might have well been holding up an [I am NOT impressed] sign.

"Errr. I dislike Naruto?" asked Sakura, that being the thing she would have said prior to this morning but feeling really really confused about all this.

"Okay, you're next, oh brooding one," said Kakashi.

Sasuke started to speak, glanced at Naruto who shrugged.

"The dark brooding one, not the blond brooding one," qualified Kakashi.

"Sasuke Uchiha. I have nothing I particularly like. My dislikes would take too long. I don't have a dream, instead I have a goal. To kill a certain man. My favorite jutsu are assassination techniques."

"That leaves me," said Naruto, who stood up and was abruptly holding a black staff in one hand. "This is Mitternacht in Cast Mode. This is her Sword Mode." Abruptly he was holding a no-dachi of the same material as the staff. "And this is her Scythe form." The sword changed back to a staff and then extended a curving blade from the top end.

"My likes are ramen and my dream is to become the Hokage," said Naruto. "I dislike seeing people I care about dying, though I don't think dislike is quite the right word. My favorite jutsu is probably Enhance Spell."

Kakashi was about to introduce himself when something unexpected occurred.

[Mitternacht. Likes: Justice. Dislikes: Injustice. Specialization: Arcane Magic.]

"Wow, that's a lot more than you usually say," said Naruto to his staff.

[Affirmative.]

"I see, well, tomorrow there will be a little test of whether you pass to become genin or fail and go back to the Academy," said Kakashi. "I think I might want a word with the Hokage before I say anything more."

* * *

_The next morning:_

"Hit you with EVERYTHING I'VE GOT?" asked Naruto, his voice raised a little. "Do you have a death wish?"

"Now, I know you pulled a prank on the Hokage's paperwork, when I read the report it was obviously doctored -" began Kakashi.

Naruto held one hand out, abruptly Mitternacht was there and pointed across the lake. "Meteor Swarm."

Two rotating discs of rune-festooned light appeared at low cloud altitude. Six screaming fireballs rocketed from the center of those discs to impact the trees on the far side of that lake.

There were explosions. Loud explosions. Shake-your-bones level of loud, columns of fire and destruction explosions. Trees and earth went flying, one centuries-old tree spinning over their collective heads (and leaving a little smoke trail) before it crashed to the earth away from them.

Kakashi blinked a couple of times. "Okay, change of plans. You two have to come after me with intent to kill. Naruto, you can explain to the ANBU I expect to show up at any moment that you were just passing the genin test by proving to me that you already have the basics of certain destruction jutsu down."

"That works," said Naruto.

Sasuke looked at the burning crater and general scene of devastation on the other side of the lake thoughtfully. "Can I learn that?"

"No," said Kakashi. "Pass test first. Talk about lessons later. And Naruto, if you've got anything to put out the fires, that would be a good thing too."

"He... that... he... what?" asked Sakura, her hair sticking up at all sorts of angles as she tried to fit her image of Naruto-as-he-was with the Naruto-who-just-did-THAT.

Maybe if he ever asked her out again, she ought to turn him down gently and politely as opposed to hitting him and yelling 'hell no'?

"So, anyway," said Kakashi, feeling he'd dodged a paper bomb or two here, "one bell as I'm giving one to Naruto for proving that he needs my training in self-control and not destroying training grounds. One bell that determines which, if either of you, passes to become a genin and who goes back to the Academy. Shall we begin?"

* * *

"Prestidigitation," whispered Naruto while apparently filling out paperwork. "Telekinesis."

[Active. Targetting. Acquired.]

"Whispering wind," cast Naruto. "Target: Sasuke Uchiha. Target: Sakura Haruno."

[Subjects found. Targetting.]

"I've got the bell," whispered Naruto from where he was leaning up against the post. "I'm leaving it by the alarm."

There was no movement to indicate that either of them had heard him.

"Naruto!" said Kakashi, abruptly appearing nearby. "I thought you were going to explain to the ANBU about the explosion? Are you interfering in my test?"

"I'm filling out a report for them," said Naruto. "They don't take off points for spelling, do they?"

"If they did, then they wouldn't accept Maito Gai's reports," guessed Kakashi.

Sakura appeared at one end of the clearing and began dashing for the posts.

"Oh look, it's an obvious distraction," said Kakashi.

"Yeah, looks that way," agreed Naruto.

"Pardon me," said Kakashi just before disappearing.

Sakura continued to dash as fast as she could.

"Doton: Shinjuu Zanshuu no Jutsu!"

Sakura screamed as she was abruptly pulled underground until just her head was showing.

"Lesson one: ninjutsu," said Kakashi, abruptly appearing in a poof of smoke before the genin. "Well, you're ahead of Sasuke at least."

"Killer... wedgie..." groaned Sakura, looking as if something was very uncomfortable.

A blur appeared behind Kakashi.

"Predictable," said Kakashi, sounding disappointed as he leapt and flipped backwards.

Sasuke tapped down and then redirected his leap away from the posts and towards Kakashi.

"Magen," said Kakashi. "Narakumi no Jutsu."

Sasuke came to a stop, snarled, and started slashing at the air around him.

"Not a very good choice," said Naruto, having stood up and approached.

"True, it would have been better if I'd used the Decapitation Technique on him and the genjutsu on Sakura, I suppose," said Kakashi. "Sasuke has... issues."

Naruto raised an eyebrow. "We're ninja. I think it comes with the territory."

Kakashi cocked his head to the side, considering that. "Point. How would you have handled it?"

"Since you're just trying to get them to run out of time," said Naruto. "Power Word: Sleep!"

Sasuke folded abruptly.

"Handy," said Kakashi, feeling the power rolling across the area.

"You want to check Sakura while I check Sasuke?" asked Naruto. "Just make sure they're resting comfortably and circulation doesn't get cut off."

Kakashi shrugged. There was a brief 'dingle' noise when Naruto was arranging Sasuke, but any smirk on Kakashi's face was purely coincidental.

"Not going to give one to Sakura?" asked Kakashi eventually.

"You caught that, huh?" asked Naruto.

"Did you think I'd forgotten about the bells disappearing from my belt suddenly?" asked Kakashi, acting hurt.

"No, sensei," said Naruto, shrugging. "I just thought I was being subtle."

"'subtle'?" asked Kakashi.

"Well, 'relatively' subtle," amended Naruto.

"Relative to what?" asked Kakashi.

"Large explosions."

"Well, I suppose that would be the case," admitted Kakashi.

"This whole thing was about 'teamwork', right?" asked Naruto.

"What makes you think that?" asked Kakashi.

"Just made sense is all," said Naruto. "I was asking because pranking the two of them while they're unconscious would probably be against the whole 'team' thing. Potentially fun though."

"It probably would be best to avoid doing that sort of thing at the moment," agreed Kakashi. "Though what prank did you have in mind?"

"Stuffing Sasuke in a tuxedo, Sakura in a wedding dress and have them wake up in a cheap motel room in the Village Of Artisans," said Naruto.

"That would be momentarily amusing, but Sakura might take it that you were making fun of her dreams," pointed out Kakashi.

"I could turn them both into animals using a Polymorph spell," said Naruto. "Sakura as a howler monkey maybe, while Sasuke could be a ferret."

"I can see where your pranks might get a little over-the-top nowadays," said Kakashi. "In fact, I think it would be best if you avoided pranking your team altogether unless you really had cause for revenge."

"It would be okay then?" asked Naruto, genuinely curious.

"As long as there's no mission in progress or permanent side-effects," hastened to add Kakashi. "There's a precedent for such things in such cases."

"A ninja's life is a complicated one," said Naruto, turning his attention back to the report. "I guess a ninja's life is full of paperwork too."

"That's true," said Kakashi, nodding at that.

"So," said Naruto, making an idle gesture and having a dingle noise suddenly sound from the vicinity of one of Sakura's hands. "Pass?"

* * *

"Well, now that everyone's awake," said Kakashi pleasantly. "You. All. Fail."

"Excuse me?" asked Sasuke and Sakura.

"How do you spell 'incendiary cascade effect'?" asked Naruto, still filling out paperwork.

"The test was about teamwork," began Kakashi. "The only one who even tried to put the team first is the one least suited to working with a team."

"I ain't got no problems with a team," stated Naruto. "Some of this paperwork, on the other hand."

"Your main problem with a team is that you tend to explode things," said Kakashi.

"Oh, I can fix that," said Naruto, standing up and calling Mitternacht to one hand. "Enhance Range. Enhance Spell. Now."

[Prolific Forestation]

Sakura and Sasuke stared as trees suddenly began erupting from the burned areas, growing to huge size as they watched. Flowers began popping up and going to full bloom as if in time-lapse photography.

"Okay," said Naruto, sitting back down and picking up the paperwork again. "Where was it? Oh here it is. Number twenty-four: 'Why You Deemed It Necessary To Use Wide Area Effect Jutsu In A Training Area' - I have to list all the jutsu I've used. Hmmm."

"Uhh," said Sakura, twitching heavily.

"And that proves my point exactly," said Kakashi. "With you doing things like that, you don't leave anything for Sasuke or Sakura to do."

"Oh," said Naruto, looking up. "Uhm. What should I have left for them? Heck, it's been four years for me. I don't even remember what all they could do."

"Naruto! Knock it off!" said Sakura, feeling thoroughly upstaged, confused, and like Sasuke wasn't paying any attention to her at all. Of course, the last was justified in that Sasuke wasn't paying attention to her.

"I might consider passing Naruto and Sasuke, and tie Sakura to the post, but Naruto gave one bell to Sasuke and one to Sakura," said Kakashi.

"And you don't want to tie someone to the post when they've got a big pile of paperwork to fill out," guessed Sakura.

"So I'll just fail all of you," agreed Kakashi, disappearing in a poof of smoke.

"Well, THAT bites," said Naruto.

"Hnn," said Sasuke.

"Well, Sasuke, you want to go get lunch?" asked Sakura, trying to salvage the situation.

Sasuke plopped down at a ninety degree angle from Naruto before picking up one of the forms. "What the heck? 'Ninja Form 1055-D, Pursuant To The Wildlife Conservation Act'?"

"The path of a ninja is fraught with danger and paperwork," agreed Naruto.

Sakura sighed as her attempt at a consolation date fell through and flopped down herself across from Sasuke to pick a form off the stack.

"Question two," read Sasuke Uchiha, raising an eyebrow. "Number of small woodland creatures displaced. Question three: number of small woodland creatures destroyed."

"Environmental impact study of chakra release in area?" asked Sakura. "What is this?"

"Paperwork expands to fill all available time, plus about fifty percent," said Naruto. "A captain I knew said that. Very true."

"Huh," said Sakura, not sure how to respond to that. "So what now? Go back to the Academy?"

"Well, maybe," said Naruto. "Though I think maybe I'll take the TSAB's offer. Become one of their operatives. Go to other worlds, fight monsters, recover dangerous artifacts, do search and rescue, make a positive difference."

"So why did you come back?" asked Sasuke.

"This is home," said Naruto. "My dream used to be to become Hokage. Now... maybe I still could. And then there's Hinata."

"That was for real?" asked Sakura, still trying to figure out a question on the form. "I thought you were kidding."

"No, that was for real," said Naruto. "I'm not sure how to handle it though."

"What's to 'handle'?" asked Sasuke as he tried to make sense out of question #4.

"Well, for one thing, I know next to nothing about her," said Naruto. "It isn't official, anyway. Your Uncle Genma has no legal authority over me. Hinata's father made a bet regarding it, so she might feel forced."

"No," said Sakura. "She's watched you for years. She's not being forced."

"You'd think she'd have at least talked to me sometime," grumbled Naruto.

[Naruto. Astral Vision. Relay.]

"Huh, hang on," said Naruto, who closed his eyes and muttered something, thenn touched his eyelids.

"What's that about?" asked Sasuke of Sakura, who shrugged in reply.

"Sasuke, someone's here to speak with you," said Naruto, his eyes still closed. "I can use a guise spell and channel their presence. It's really draining though, so keep it short."

"You're what?" asked Sasuke.

"Someone who died and hasn't yet passed on has a message for you, they were attracted to this place by the high-level magic I was slinging around earlier," said Naruto. "If you accept the call, I'll channel them - briefly taking their appearance while it's going. Problem is it'll eat chakra to do it, so I can't keep it going for long."

"Uhm, sure, I guess," said Sasuke, not sure what to make of this. Prior to the large explosions and making trees sprout out of the ground, he would have thought this a prank. Now he wasn't so sure. "Who is it?"

Naruto stood, said a single name, and then blurred and shifted to exactly resemble the individual named. The only indication that this was Naruto was the staff still in hand. Well, that and the pale aura and transparency indicated something other than normality in the woman revealed.

"Mikoto Uchiha."

Sakura blinked. She was ready for a lot of things. It was just that this, on top of everything else, had just exceeded her Sanity Limit for the day.

"AH! A !"

Sasuke and Mikoto watched as the pink-haired girl fled the area at high speeds.

"Poor thing," guessed Mikoto. "Comes from being a ninja of non-ninja background. Bit of a hurdle for her."

"I guess," said Sasuke.

"There's a thief in Konoha, who has stolen the eyes of the Uchiha clan, who has taken our flesh into his own, and who has pulled the strings of events to devastate our clan," said Mikoto.

"Not the Hokage, is it?" asked Sasuke. "Because I seriously don't get that kind of puppetmaster impression off of him."

"No, not Hiruzen Sarutobi," admitted Mikoto. "I can't tell you who it is, but it is he that caused Itachi to kill off our clan."

"You're not going to give this guy's name?" asked Sasuke.

"You couldn't beat Itachi as you are right now, much less this other," said Mikoto. "Actually, if we'd figured out not to listen to Madara or figured out that Madara was the one behind the Ninetails' attack - this other individual wouldn't have been able to manipulate things for our destruction. As it is, our clan consists of you, your brother, Madara, and one other."

"There is another?" asked Sasuke, deciding to look up the name 'Madara' later.

"Oops," said Mikoto, covering her mouth with one hand. "Nobody's supposed to know about her."

"A few details would be nice," pointed out Sasuke.

"She looks a lot like me, which isn't surprising, since she IS my little sister," said Mikoto. "Never mind. I can't tell you those details until much later, if then. There are rules on this side of things too. You know what Mitternacht's plans are?"

"Mitternacht is Naruto's staff isn't it?" asked Sasuke, eyeing the crystalline staff in question.

"Mitternacht has her own will and thoughts and plans," said Mikoto. "She gathers spirits, like my own, who wish to aid the living or who cannot pass beyond. Her plan is to make devices that will contain those spirits, or an impression of them, to aid the living."

"Okay," said Sasuke.

"I have little time left," said Mikoto. "Even with his special abilities, channelling like this drains your team-mate's chakra and will leave him exhausted and in the hospital if it goes on too long. Know that I love you, and I'll see you on the other side."

Sasuke nodded, then went off a distance. He saw the flicker and suddenly Naruto was collapsing where his mother had stood.

Then Sasuke Uchiha simply went a little further off into the forest.

He wouldn't let anyone see him cry, after all.

* * *

"Another test today?" asked Sasuke, arriving at the meeting place.

"Yeah, that's the message I got too," admitted Naruto.

"So, you suppose it's about 'teamwork' again?" asked Sasuke.

"Okay," said Naruto. "Wait a minute. Where's Sakura?"

Sasuke frowned, scratched his head, and then looked around. "Wasn't she just here a minute ago?"

"Hmmmm," said Naruto. "I don't think so. She's usually early though."

"Hnnn," grunted Sasuke.

"Let's just try this," said Naruto, touching his eyelids. "Detect Enemies."

Sasuke blinked as Naruto's eyes briefly glowed.

"BACK TO BACK!" growled Naruto in a commanding voice, shifting so his back was towards Sasuke.

Sasuke discovered he'd moved and was now back to back with the taller Naruto before he'd even registered that he was moving. "What are-"

"We're surrounded," said Naruto. "In the trees, sixteen of them. One at ground level."

"Enemy ninja?" asked Sasuke.

"All 'Detect Enemies' does is tell me that they're enemies and where they are," said Naruto, who hadn't bothered with Mitternacht yet. "Let's just put a little light on the subject, shall we?"

Sasuke heard the suggestion and went through hand-signs quickly. "Fire Release: Fireball Jutsu!"

"Fireball!" cast Naruto.

"YAGH!" yelled a feminine voice as someone stumbled out of the explosion. "Careful fools, you'll incinerate this child."

"Naruto," said Sasuke carefully. "A spider the size of a small cart just lowered a large coccoon down out of the tree. A coccoon with pink hair sticking up out of the top."

"I kinda figured," said Naruto. "Just one question."

"What is it, Naruto Uzumaki? Think well, for it is your last words in this life," said the woman.

"Who ARE you?" asked Naruto.

"Guk," said the woman, nearly falling over. "You... your sense of humor will not save you!"

"You weren't joking, were you?" asked Sasuke, still standing back to back with Naruto and therefore away from the enemy.

"Uhm, no. Really. Do I know you?" asked Naruto.

"Ack," said the woman, then drew herself up. "I am the one you humiliated! The one you wronged with your unfair battle tactics!"

"Ring any bells yet?" asked Sasuke.

"Uhm, no. Want to switch around? Maybe you know her?" asked Naruto.

"I'm pretty sure I don't know anyone who has pet attack spiders," said Sasuke.

"You- you're not kidding?" asked the woman. "How could you forget Lieutenant Hilda 'Arachne' Fontana!"

Naruto was silent.

"Still no bells?" asked Sasuke.

"Nope," admitted Naruto. "Not a one."

"I was rescued by the TSAB and I told them I was an old friend of yours! They helped me to track you down!" said Arachne. "Now I and my friends will feast on your bones!"

"Why?" asked Naruto. "I'm pretty sure I haven't met you before."

"ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Arachne. "New Amsterdam! The Hayloft!"

"What's a hayloft?" asked Sasuke.

"It's a building where they store hay for animal fodder," said Naruto. "It's also a waterfront bar in New Amsterdam which was a nation of the Defensive Union. There was a minor skirmish there. I remember there was some guy with zombies."

"And there was myself!" said Arachne, "coming ashore with my beauties."

"You were on that ship I blew up?" asked Naruto.

"Yes! You blew up my ship while I was still in the middle of my Introductory Speech with Appropriate Death Threats!"

"Ohhhhh," said Naruto, slapping a fist into an upturned palm. "You must have been the crazy gal giving a speech during that attack."

"What?" asked Arachne.

"I couldn't even hear your speech," said Naruto. "All those zombies running around, screeching and hissing and all that. So I just used a quick spell to keep the reinforcements from landing."

"YES! And now I have tracked you here to kill you!" declared Arachne. "You don't dare use your strange magicks while I have this innocent child hostage!"

"Okay, now I understand," said Naruto, nodding once. "Mitternacht."

[Active. Setup. Targets Locked.]

Naruto smiled.

"Kill the hostage if he moves!" said Arachne.

"Time Stop," cast Naruto.

* * *

"So... did something happen?" asked Kakashi, four hours later when he finally showed up to administer the test.

Naruto glanced at Sasuke. Sasuke shrugged.

"Not much," said Naruto.

"Why are there spider webs thicker than a finger between the trees? Why are there scorch marks everywhere? Where is Sakura? Why are there dead spiders the size of a cow being carted off by ANBU?" asked Kakashi.

"We filed a report with the Hokage already," said Naruto.

Sasuke nodded.

"Let me try again," said Kakashi. "Did something happen here?"

Naruto looked at Sasuke. Sasuke rolled his eyes. Naruto shrugged.

"Okay, basically, someone with more grudge than sense tracked me down and got ready to feed Sakura to a bunch of giant spiders," said Naruto. "I used a technique that speeds me up to the point where it looks like time is stopped around me. Which, by the way, wears the body out really fast. We took the prisoner to the Hokage to report this, Sakura to the hospital to have the poison sucked out that she got before we ever showed up."

"Brilliant job that was," said Sasuke.

"Oh yeah, she did a very good job as the hostage," said Naruto. "Nice and quiet. You didn't have to suggest leaving her in there though."

"I just wanted to get one to go after Ino, she's even more loud and annoying," grumped Sasuke.

"Well, then I killed all of them except for three of the giant spiders and their leader. HER I simply broke both of her arms so she couldn't do any jutsu," said Naruto. "Told her if she resisted arrest I'd turn her over to Sasuke, who has a MUCH more vindictive nature than I do."

"EVERYONE has a more vindictive nature than you do," said Sasuke. "We played 'good ninja, bad ninja' on her."

"You did very well at that, by the way," said Naruto.

Sasuke smiled ever so slightly at that and inclined his head.

"You said there were three of these spiders left alive?" asked Kakashi.

"They surrendered," said Naruto. "Summoned hirelings. They had different markings than the rest and weren't directly menacing us. Just hired muscle, sort of. Sasuke came off the best of that."

Sasuke's smile turned up a notch. "Summoning contract, limited one but still."

"I think they liked your style with Arachne there," said Naruto. "Still, it's something to work on with your chakra and control there."

"Well, if Sakura's not here, then how am I supposed to test you?" asked Kakashi.

"Oh, you're not," said Naruto. "Since we brought the prisoners and the report by, we've had six jonin request being our team leader."

"Three of them are jonin-rank who'd leave ANBU to be our sensei," said Sasuke, who seriously considered high-fiving Naruto at the reminder but decided that wasn't cool or brooding enough. And he DID like going for the cool/brooding look.

"Oh," said Kakashi.

* * *

"Okay," said the former-ANBU. "My name is Yugao Uzuki and I'll be your jonin instructor."

"Hello, Uzuki-sensei," said Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura cheerfully.

"You're from ANBU right?" asked Sakura.

"Yes, that's right," admitted Yugao. "However, the Hokage left the offer on the table and I was quite interested in the possibility of these special missions."

"'Special missions'?" asked Sasuke.

"Yes, due to Naruto's contacts, there's the possibility of missions open to our team that none of the other teams will normally have available," said Yugao. "As someone who is a jonin and affiliated with ANBU, there are details I might be able to find that will be useful to the village as a whole."

"That's a reason for the Hokage to offer you the position, but not for you to accept it," pointed out Naruto.

"Those are private for now," said Yugao, not denying anything. "Let's just say there are aspects of this Mid-Childan medical technology that I'm interested in."

The three genin nodded at that, each interpreting that in their own way.

"Now," said Yugao. "Two of you can be tested for your elemental affinity in ninjutsu."

"I'm primary - wind," said Naruto. "Sasuke is primary - fire. Sakura is primary - earth."

Yugao blinked at that. "Since Sakura's chakra is insufficient at present to be determined by means of chakra paper, I'm guessing your new abilities determined that?"

Naruto nodded.

"Okay," continued Yugao. "We're going to be meeting at dawn. Sasuke, you and Sakura will be further honing your physical skills and chakra reservoir. That means large amounts of physical exercises. Naruto - you've already got large amounts of chakra but your control needs work outside of spells. I'll show you a couple of exercises to use to hone that. Then we get a mission from the Hokage, probably a D-Rank. Don't complain that they're boring, because everyone already knows that they're boring. If you complete the mission quickly, I'll start you on weapons training. I'm going to suggest sword for Sasuke, Naruto with further staff and sword training, and probably tonfa for Sakura."

"Why not a sword?" asked Sakura.

"You'll learn some sword techniques, just in case, but I want all of you to learn some concealable weapons techniques as well as more obvious weapons," said Yugao. "Tonfa are a good weapon for defensive roles, especially if you're ambidextrous. There are also going to be covert missions where you don't want to advertise what village you're from, or even that you're a ninja. In which case playing the part of mercenary trainees is fairly normal. Those will be the times you want that sword. Naruto, in these other worlds, are there ninja?"

"Some, in some worlds, but most of which are like the old ninja in history books," admitted Naruto. "Mainly stealth experts."

"Okay," said Yugao, considering that. "We'll have to work on situational awareness skills then, in case we find ourselves up against such."

* * *

Sakura Haruno flopped back onto the table and made an audible splat sound as she did so.

It was a measure of how frequently this happened over the past week that neither of her companions so much as raised an eyebrow at it.

"You're showing signs of improvement, Sakura," said Naruto as he stretched out.

Sakura grunted from her sprawl across the picnic table.

"No, really," said Naruto, apparently interpreting the grunt. "First few days you couldn't go nearly that far, and you were unconscious when you finally collapsed."

Sakura slowly lifted her head up to glare at Naruto before giving it up as a lost cause.

Sasuke looked up from where he was squatting and sipping at a water bottle. "You aren't helping, you know."

"Hey, I do the same workout as you two, PLUS I've got to do magical research," said Naruto.

"It's just that you're so damn CHEERFUL when you're doing it that's the problem," said Sasuke.

Sakura grunted, possibly in agreement.

"So what kind of research?" asked Sasuke.

"Oh, a transdimensional conduit to a superspatial pocket," said Naruto.

Slowly Sakura raised her head so she could glare at Naruto again.

"A what?" asked Sasuke.

"Uhm," said Naruto, scratching his head. "How to put this. I understand the concepts but I can't follow the math myself."

Yugao looked over from where she was doing sword kata. "Sometimes showing is better than saying."

"Oh, I suppose that's right," said Naruto. "My problem has been making a permanent doorway. Here's a temp."

Naruto got a scroll out of his pack, unfurled it, and then used a quick drop of blood to activate it. A door shimmered into place over the scroll.

Naruto opened the door, waving his instructor and Sasuke in, then gathering up Sakura to carry her inside.

* * *

"A swimming pool?" asked Sasuke, thinking that sounded REALLY good at the moment. While he wasn't in as bad a shape as Sakura - he was wearing a layer of sweat and grime he would prefer to get rid of.

"Yeah, jacuzzi is over there - but it needs cleaning," said Naruto, pointing. "Showers are over there. Some of the rooms are kinda junked right now. Haven't had a chance to do much with it."

"Where did you get this?" asked Yugao, thinking of various uses for this.

"Mitternacht found someone had ejected all these rooms into subspace, so we just collected them together and put this into a stable pocket," said Naruto. "The trick is getting the doorway to manifest. I can get maybe four uses out of a scroll before it starts tearing the paper apart."

Yugao blinked as she thought about that. "Have you considered embroidery?"

"I'm not that good with sewing," said Naruto, but he thought about it. "Might work though."

"Shower?" asked Sakura, her voice indicating a starving man being offered a hunk of bread or something similar.

"Yeah, hot water too, that took awhile to work out," said Naruto. "Mitternacht said the script looked Gallifreyan but she doesn't speak that language so everything's being figured out as we go."

"You need to get more sleep as soon as that's done," said Yugao. "I noticed you're beginning to wear out."

"So much to do, not enough hours," said Naruto.

"I know the feeling, but as your sensei, I'm telling you - get more sleep," said Yugao.

"Shower," Sakura insisted. "Or bath."

"I don't have any clothes for you to wear," protested Naruto.

"Ungh," managed Sakura as she slumped down again.

* * *

"Byakugan!"

Ah, there he was.

When she'd awoken, she had immediately wondered about Naruto having an older brother.

When she'd learned that this WAS Naruto, and that because of her fainting - he'd gone through four years of hell just so he could take care of her? Oh, guilty didn't even begin to cover how she'd felt.

She'd worried about him then. Checking up on him when she had the chance to observe from a distance.

He was older, harder, quieter. The absence of that constant smile had nearly broken her heart when she'd noticed that detail.

He'd always had a tough wiry musculature, but at age 16 under the conditions he'd been in - he'd filled out some and didn't have much in the way of 'soft' about him anymore.

His eyes though - they were same clear-sky blue. They still had that friendliness and warmth in them. Unlike her family, his eyes really were "windows to the soul" that she'd heard about in poems. Eyes that she could lose herself in.

He and the rest of his team were standing around an odd door that was hanging in midair. Her eyes flicked over the familiar forms of Sakura and Sasuke, the less familiar look of the ANBU who'd been known as Cat and was now their jonin-sensei. Back to Naruto.

Naruto laughed at something and gave that confident grin she was familiar with, and Hinata could swear her heart stopped and then raced ahead double-speed on seeing it. That was the same smile on that older face, the smile she'd fallen in love with.

Hinata gulped, having admitted that to herself. She wasn't worthy of loving anyone. She was the weak disgrace on the main family. Useless... except that her father had engaged her to Naruto and then volunteered her to keep an eye on Naruto when they'd known SOMETHING was going to happen.

Except she'd failed that TOO by fainting during the whole thing.

Now there was one of those odd pulses from that staff/not-staff that Naruto had. Naruto was looking in her direction as if he could see her and SMILING?

Hinata gulped and waved, but apparently Naruto couldn't see her in return. Her Byakugan pulsed in her embarassment and she saw...

Naruto's clothes turn transparent.

* * *

"Hinata just passed out with a nosebleed," said Kiba, looking down at his team-mate.

"Troubling," said Shino.

* * *

Sakura watched and stifled a yawn as Naruto continued to check the lines he'd drawn, the little wooden stands, the iron braziers, and the double-circle with runes that marked the 'Visitor' area.

"The Hokage just arrived," said Sasuke.

"Eh?" asked Sakura, suddenly worried about how she looked. She spotted another arrival. "Hey, Hinata! Over here!"

The shy looking girl nodded and waved weakly at them but apparently felt it better to stay next to her father.

Sasuke had already noted that there were five circles within a larger circle, and that only four of those inner circles had people in them.

"This will have to do," said Naruto eventually, going to the center of the larger circle. Mitternacht was abruptly in his hands, the ripples of light within the black staff revealing that it was already active and doing something.

Fog appeared around Naruto's feet, about a foot high and thick. Sasuke watched it as it rolled across the grass. He noted that it lapped up against the edge of the outer circle and stopped. He also noted, in a further manner atypical of fog, that it didn't cross the inner circles as well.

Naruto stopped and looked over the dozen people as well. "This is a security measure. It shouldn't be necessary but, well, there are dangers involved in this casting and it's better to be safe."

That said, Naruto turned his attention back to what he was doing and began chanting in some unknown language. As he went, his voice changed as if he and some woman with an odd accent were both speaking through his mouth at the same time. Intoning each syllable together.

Sasuke heard Sakura gasp as another form appeared, this one directly behind Naruto.

The woman was tall, with long dark hair, her clothes of an unfamiliar-but-expensive looking sort. That she was transparent and that her motions exactly mirrored Naruto's was also noted by Sasuke.

"Who?" asked Sakura.

"I'm guessing that's Mitternacht," said Sasuke. "The others I'm not so sure about."

"What oth- oh," said Sakura as others did fade into place next to Naruto.

An old man, a large book under one arm. A woman clad in armor, her skin dark and her hair pale, a long sword of some foreign make in one hand. Another form, only vaguely identifiable as some other woman. A fifth, this one one-handed and somewhat barbaric looking, also clad in armor. Another armored man, this one wearing a set of armor that completely encased him, the armor decorated with eye-symbols.

A gleaming gate appeared and slowly opened, allowing a shining light to spill forth.

Sasuke ignored the frightened squeak from Sakura, and how she moved a little closer to him, when the ghosts started appearing within the mists.

The ages ran from a man stooped over with age to children who would have been barely able to walk. Many, if not most, were ninja from the number of hitai-ate.

Sasuke noted that while the spiral-leaf of Konohagakure was the most common, it was hardly the only one showing. The only one he did NOT see represented amongst the luminescent transparent forms was that of the Village Hidden Among The Sound. There were a number of symbols that he didn't even recognize.

That there were a number of Uchiha present, and that he recognized them as having died years ago, did not particularly surprise him at this point.

Naruto brought the staff Mitternacht up and when he brought it down again it had changed to sword form. The blade was driven point-first into the ground, and then Naruto stepped back and gave a quick series of hand-seals that ended in Ram.

Some ghostly forms stood and watched. Some made their way to the gleaming gate from which light spilled.

Others, including the one he recognized as his mother, reached out to touch the sword and vanished as soon as they did so.

"Those who wish to pass beyond, the door is open to do so," said Naruto. "Those who wish to continue as they had, you are free to do so. Those who wish to dwell on this earth for a time, to freely aid and assist, to prepare for the research to be complete and the vessels prepared for you - that way has also been prepared for you."

Yugao Uzuki stirred behind Sasuke and Sakura, clamping one hand down on a shoulder of each of her students. "Do not leave the circle."

"M-Mother?" came Hinata's voice, the longing plain to hear.

"What's he doing?" asked Sakura, only realizing after she'd spoken that it had automatically come out in a whisper.

"He spoke of it already, didn't he?" asked Yugao, her own voice harsh-sounding as if having to force herself to speak. "The dead can continue on to their rest. Or they can take the chance of becoming something like Mitternacht."

Sasuke watched the crowd of ghosts thin until only a few were left near the edge of the outer circle. Then these last turned away, leaving the circle and fading still further until they were gone.

The fog around their feet dissipated before Naruto sagged and nearly fell, the ghostly forms that had appeared near him apparently returning to that sword.

"The ritual magic has ended," said a suddenly tired-sounding Naruto as he leaned on the sword. "You can leave the circles whenever you want."

* * *

The Hokage sat back in his chair, smoked a pipe that sent a pungent aromatic scent through the office, and otherwise acted as if this were so unimaginably run-of-the-mill that he might catch a nap out of sheer boredom.

Team 7 was present. Jonin Yugao Uzuki seemed as impassive though not as bored as the Hokage. Naruto Uzumaki was in an "at ease" position, alert but seeming mostly unconcerned.

Sakura and Sasuke both tried to manage that same aplomb. One succeeded mostly, the other did not.

The young man unfamiliar to Sasuke and Sakura had put a device out on the Hokage's desk. A fan of light had come from the top, and in that fan of light images formed.

"Your world is a non-administered world, and so our influence is quite limited," said Yuuno Scrya, causing the image of their world to rotate. "You are here, in the Five Great Shinobi Nations area. The problem appears to be here, very close to exactly on the other side of the world."

"Even if this wasn't outside our authority," said Yugao, "do we have a way to get there and back in less than a few months?"

"Your authority comes because that is a lawless area, and because of Naruto's connection to the TSAB," said the Hokage.

"If I've got coordinates or good pictures of it, I can get us there and back in minutes," said Naruto. "If not, I can get us there in a few weeks and back almost instantly."

"As this problem comes from outside your universe, it falls under TSAB jurisdiction," said Yuuno. "There are signs of manipulation of your universe's timeline, but after research we determined that there are two sources. One is older and apparently capable of fixing its own mistakes. Contained, controlled, and at present at least - dormant. The other arrived three days after Naruto returned here and is far less restrained."

"So the mission is regarding this second source?" asked Yugao.

"Correct," said Yuuno. "We believe that the researcher is using something akin to the Jewel Seeds and is experimenting with them."

"Lost Logia?" asked Naruto, losing the indifference-mask to frown. "That's bad."

"'Bad'?" asked Sasuke. Naruto blowing up a significant section of forest was nothing of concern - so BAD was probably not very good at all.

"Except what we think are being used are these," said Yuuno. He made a gesture and the image changed again to a glittering cube. "These are the Continuua Fossils."

"Tell me the name isn't descriptive," said Naruto.

"No, actually, it IS," said Yuuno.

"Oh shit," said Naruto.

Everyone stared at Naruto making that particular statement. The early Naruto, easy. Everyone could see the kid of a year ago cussing. The Naruto that had returned turning pale and staring at the image as if faced with an explosive tag about to go off? Worrisome.

"One of the reasons the TSAB is not getting more directly involved is that we're trying to set up containment measures in case things go badly," said Yuuno.

"What exactly is a 'Continuua Fossil'?" asked the Hokage.

Yuuno considered briefly. "Very powerful artifacts that are tuned to a particular type of energy. The ones we know about are Transmutation and Conjuration."

"If there wasn't a planet in the way, Mitternacht would probably have picked up on it, which means they likely know she's here," said Naruto, sounding as if repeating someone else's words.

* * *

The hooded figure made a gesture. One of the glittering cubes bobbing in the air glittered in reply.

Huge walls of black stone rose up out of the desert. More walls joined the first set, and an elaborate castle began building itself.

The figure continued to concentrate, focussing entirely on the one cube and ignoring the other three.

"That one will be punished soon, Mistress," said the figure, directing this comment to a small altar. "No one can escape your righteous divine wrath."

Elsewhere, Cyric merely sneered at the use of a minion who couldn't even get his gender right. Oh well, had to use what you had.

* * *

"So, dobe," said Sasuke, privately thinking he needed a better term to address Naruto by. Something lightly insulting, that rolled well off the tongue, that he could use to chide his team-mate with. "Why did you react like that regarding this whatever it is?"

Sakura edged a little closer, listening while trying not to LOOK as if she were listening.

"You know what a universe is, right?" asked Naruto after a brief pause.

"A universe would be everything that exists," said Sakura, not realizing she was blowing her 'not interested' cover until halfway through her answer.

"Except that there are other universes, a lot of them," said Naruto. "Our sun is a star, right? It has planets orbitting it, right? The other stars often have their own planets too."

"Yeah," said Sakura, "that's first year Academy stuff."

"I think I heard somewhere that the typical universe is 13.7 billion years old, and has over seventy sextillion stars," said Naruto.

Sakura drew back a fist, ready to berate Naruto for bringing sex into all this, when it registered what he was actually saying.

"Most universes have at least two or three, sometimes hundreds of millions, of sentient races," said Naruto. "It blew me away when I realized this over on Mid-Childa. I was talking to Yuuno at the time in fact. A Continuua is a universe."

"So?" asked Sakura.

"Shit," said Sasuke. "Is that even possible?"

"Yeah," said Naruto. "I heard that stars are born and die, that universes can die too. So each of these 'Fossil Continuua' are actually universes. Concentrated, crystallized, contained."

"Talk about mass graves," said Sasuke.

"Yeah," said Naruto.

"Wouldn't they be impossibly heavy though?" asked Sakura.

"If their mass was contained and crystallized, no," said Naruto. "It wouldn't weigh more than the outer shell."

"That what Mitternacht says?" asked Sasuke, answered by Naruto nodding.

"What did Yuuno mean 'conjuration' and 'transmutation'?" asked Sakura, wanting to change the subject from dead universes.

"These are types of magic used in the universe Mitternacht came from, different from the element-based ninjutsu we use here," said Naruto. "Transmutation is turning one thing into another thing. Conjuration is summoning spells."

"Turning one thing into another? I'd like to see that," said Sakura, deciding to be skeptical. Dead crystallized universes? Now ninjutsu which could literally change something into something else? She really didn't want to think about what that all meant because, well, that made her feel small and completely insignificant.

"Polymorph Other," said Naruto, pointing at Sakura.

_POOF!_

The little pink bunny rabbit blinked her green eyes repeatedly, then tried to henge back. Then tried a couple of other things like dispelling a genjutsu. Finally she screamed like a frightened rabbit.

"Naruto," chided Yugao, moving from where she'd been quietly listening.

"Yeah," said Naruto, making a gesture to dispel the polymorph.

Sakura immediately started feeling her various body parts to confirm she'd changed back and Naruto hadn't left the tail and ears or other aspects.

"So what other kinds of jutsu are possible besides 'Transmutation' and 'Conjuration'?" asked Sasuke.

"Abjuration - which dispels magic or neutralizes forces," said Naruto. "Divination - spells that don't deal with physical things - just information. Enchantment - enhancing or making minor changes in an object or individual. Evocation - which are spells that go boom or otherwise involve energy shaping and release. Illusion - genjutsu. Necromancy - spells which affect the dead and draining life."

Sakura continued to check herself and make sure she didn't have any bunny parts left over.

* * *

The castle looked to be of black rock, with a definite flame motif carved into its walls. That and skulls.

Had Mitternacht been able to get a Clairvoyance spell past the defenses, she would have immediately identified WHOSE castle this was.

Lolth had looked at this world shortly after Cyric had brought her attention to it. Some third-rate copy of her daughter out here? She would have enjoyed killing that daughter all over again. Except she'd manifested a 600' tall spider briefly when appearing there, which had been impacted by a large anvil marked "100% pure neutronium" which had splatted her armored body over a twenty mile radius before it abruptly disappeared.

That had been quite enough of a calling card that she could tell WHAT was involved. At which point she decided it was not worth her time or effort, thank you very much. It was not fear, for she feared nothing. She went back to torturing acolytes and her drow elves, and... were there a few thousand fewer of them? Well, that certainly cinched it. She had to keep an eye on her pawns lest some disreputable deity of chaos go all sneaky while her back was turned.

No, let someone else be Cyric's catspaw... catspaw. Oh no, she DEFINITELY wasn't going near that universe.

All she'd done is use a rumor to direct Cyric's pawn towards an unstable and potentially powerful set of artifacts. That would end her involvement.

Unless Cyric showed up at some point with whipped cream up his privates. Then she'd laugh at him.

* * *

"This will just be reconnaisance," said Naruto as his team met at Ichiraku's. "In and out. Do not engage the enemy."

"Why are you telling ME this?" asked Sasuke.

"Because, Sasuke, if the energy contained in a Continuua Fossil is released, we all die," said Naruto. "You, me, people back home, everybody. It would be a really really BAD idea for someone to decide they had an opportunity to take out a guard and break the containment on one of those things."

Sakura was still a bit miffed at having been a cute pink bunny rabbit, and so merely considered the large blunt trauma instrument she had her hands on (a chair) and considered the merits of introducing it to Naruto's head.

"Okay, equipment," said Naruto as he pulled a pouch off his belt and loosened the drawstring. After it was loose he stuck his arm past the elbow into a pouch the size of his fist.

Sakura held off on hitting Naruto, favoring instead to boggle at this latest impossibility.

Naruto drew a sword out. "Yugao-sensei?"

Their jonin sensei took the blade and drew it from the scabbard to examine it. A steel longsword with odd runic letters running from the crossguard to a third of the way down the blade.

Naruto put his arm back into the pouch and felt around. "That's a Frost Brand sword. Useful against fire elementals and the like. When you command it, the blade becomes supernaturally cold."

"You're taking this mission very seriously," noted Yugao.

"I don't want to overwhelm anyone with a lot of new stuff to learn, so just one item from the stash now," said Naruto, drawing a small case out and handing it to Sasuke. "There are four potions in there, labelled. Healing, Neutralize Poison, Remove Curse, Cure Disease. Each does exactly what it says it does."

Sasuke took the leather case and opened it in order to examine the vials tucked within individuals sleeves.

Naruto reached into the pouch again, this time pulling out a broom. "Sakura-"

_KA-THWAM!_

"What do I look like, your maid?" asked Sakura as she pulled the chair away from Naruto's head.

"Sakura?" asked Sasuke. "Magic sword. Magic potions. Want to bet it's a magic broom?"

"Why do I have to get the broom?" huffed Sakura, still feeling put upon.

"Manueverability," answered Naruto as he rubbed the impact point on his head. "Plus learning speed in the Academy. It's a Broom of Flying. You ride it, it lets you fly."

"Huh?" asked Sakura, now eyeing the proferred item with a somewhat different eye. "Oh. Uhm, thanks."

"Since this is a reconnaisance mission," said Yugao, "I've put in a request to have Team 8 and one other jonin come along. Will this be a problem?"

"No, that's about the limit though," said Naruto. "Scouting specialists?"

"That's right," said Yugao.

"Hmmm," hmmmed Naruto. "I've had my shadow clones working on some research projects. They're limited though, as they're made with a set level of chakra and once they use that - they dispel. Might have to put off the golem project and research a scrying pool or something similar. Oh well, think about that later."

* * *

"Yo, guys, needing some backup?" asked Kiba. "Well, I'm here!"

"Now I'm worried," said Sasuke.

"H-h-hello, Naruto-kun," said Hinata, tapping her fingers together.

"Oh, hi Hinata," said Naruto. He picked up the pouch he'd placed on the ground earlier, tugging it open again, reached inside, and pulled out... "Sakura? How did you get in there?"

"You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?" asked Sakura, from the neck down still in the pouch. "Let me go!"

Naruto shrugged and released her. There was a shriek that went on for quite some time, fading with apparent distance, until it couldn't be heard any more. "Anyone know how she got in there?"

"Can you do that with more of my fangirls when they're being annoying?" asked Sasuke hopefully.

"When you were eating ramen she was checking your pouch," said Yugao. "You do realize she'll be even less happy with you after this?"

"I had a crush on her once, years ago," said Naruto, hefting the pouch in one hand. "I asked her out every day for three years. She turned me down every time, often violently. She's repeatedly said how much she dislikes me. I'm no longer so naive as to believe that she'll simply change her mind some day."

"I never saw why you kept after her," said Sasuke.

"I saw her being bullied, thought we had something in common," said Naruto. "Can't stand to see someone get bullied."

"Naruto," said Yugao.

"Hmmm?" said Naruto, apparently staring into his miso ramen as if trying to find the Answers To Life in there.

"Naruto. Sakura is your team-mate," said Yugao.

"Oh yeah," said Naruto, picking up the pouch and contemplating how to do this. Finally he simply inverted it and held the pouch open.

_THUMP!_

"Uhm, not that I have any idea what's going on here, but - what's going on here?" asked Kiba.

"Sakura apparently decided to investigate my pouch, which is not a good idea," said Naruto. "She got sucked in."

"Okay..." said Kiba. "Your sensei's right though. You shouldn't treat girls like that."

"YOU!" said Sakura, jumping up and hitting Naruto repeatedly with a chair.

"Cause they hit really really hard when you do that sort of thing," began Kiba.

A large slimy tentacle whipped out of the pouch that was now lying on the ground, wrapped around one of Sakura's legs. Then sucked Sakura back into the pouch.

Yugao considered the (I'm not going anywhere NEAR it) pouch lying so deceptively innocent on the ground. She considered the unconscious Naruto. She considered Team 8. "Take a seat. This may take awhile. I'll go over the mission details while we wait for Naruto to wake up."

Sasuke ignored the startled glances as he picked the pouch up and regarded it briefly. "Hey. You in there. Can you hear me?"

"Sasuke?" came Sakura's voice, sounding as if she was way far off.

"Not you, Sakura. Naruto's unconscious so we've got to wait for him to wake up before we can get you out. I was talking to the guardian."

"**Interesting,**" came an impossibly deep and growly voice that somehow managed to conjure up images of things that lived under large mountain ranges and were older than continents.

"Naruto has access to a treasure vault through this thing," said Yugao, her mind catching up to Sasuke's conclusion. "Mitternacht is a goddess of another realm. A goddess might just employ a powerful guardian for a treasure vault."

"**Well reasoned for a creature whose lives begin and end in less time than it takes for me to digest a meal,**" replied the voice. "**Why are you bothering me?**"

"We'll need Sakura back, and she IS a member of his team," said Yugao as she watched Hinata cautiously approaching the pouch.

"There's a smell like... lizard," said Kiba, his nose wrinkled. Akamaru, apparently having more sense, was a quivering ball of nerves hiding inside Kiba's jacket.

"byakugan," said Hinata as she tried to look inside the pouch. "There's - oh dear."

Yugao stepped up and caught Hinata on the way down. "Okay. Nobody do ANYTHING with ANY of Naruto's supplies unless he's there and CONSCIOUS to do something about it."

"Hinata?" squeaked Kiba.

Shino continued to remain silent but there was a buzzing from his vicinity as his insects picked up on his emotional state.

"Kiba, Shino, stand down," ordered Kurenai as she walked up. "Paperwork kept me. What happened here?"

"Sakura knocked Naruto out and got sucked inside that pouch," said Kiba. "Hinata looked inside, got that expression, and fell over in a faint."

"**Mortal child to dare look upon me,**" came from inside the pouch. "**Be grateful my eyes she did not look upon, for her eyes would surely have melted from their sockets.**"

Sasuke considered how he could get that pouch from Naruto and somehow convince Itachi to look inside. Tricky.

"Sasuke, draw that little string and close that pouch. We've already made enough of a scene," said Yugao. "Teuchi-san. Do you have anything to drink? This might take awhile."

"Naruto paid for reservations," said Teuchi. "I just didn't expect him to get knocked out that easily."

* * *

"You really need to learn to protect yourself from that girl," said the woman at the table, laying cards out.

Naruto took a chair across from Midnight and looked out at the fields surrounding them. "It was necessary."

"Na-naruto?" squeaked a familiar voice.

"Yes, Hinata," said Naruto, making a gesture and a third place was set for tea by the time he finished the gesture.

Someone slowly looked around the corner of one of the pillars to glance at the woman with Naruto.

"I am Midnight, child," said the woman. "And I don't bite."

Naruto turned back fully to regard the woman.

"Well, not little girls at least," said Midnight.

"Is this a dream?" asked Hinata.

"The simple answer would be 'yes'," said Midnight. "The more complicated but correct answer would be 'yes and no.' Oh, and let me introduce you to those who stand behind you."

"EEEEP!" squeaked Hinata, as she whirled, immediately spotting the number of individuals who had somehow appeared behind her without her noticing.

"Time for you to wake up, Naruto," said Midnight.

"What? Why?" asked Naruto, feeling he had a right to be there.

"Because Sakura Haruno is trapped where she is until you get back," said Midnight. "Second, and more important, it appears that Hyuga-san is more self-conscious with you here than not."

"Ah," said Naruto, who got up and then tousled the short girl's hair for a moment before fading out.

"Now that he's gone," said Midnight, making a gesture at the empty spot of table.

Nervously, Hinata took the place offered, glancing back at the mysterious figures who were silently regarding her in their turn.

* * *

"Do you know about what dwells within Naruto?" asked Midnight, pouring the girl a cup of tea as they sat in the gazebo and simply enjoyed the music playing in the background.

Hinata glanced back, but the wraiths from earlier had been replaced by statues.

"Hinata?" prompted the goddess.

"I'm sorry," said Hinata, bowing her head quickly in apology. "I'm not sure what's going on."

"You are Naruto's fiancee, for all that your father hadn't been entirely serious when he made that bet," said Midnight.

"WHERE THE HELL AM I NOW?" screeched someone.

Midnight blinked and looked puzzled. "How did she end up here?"

"**I stuck her in your hedge maze. She wouldn't stop screaming after getting a look at me,**" came an impossibly deep voice. "**Not in my contract.**"

"True," said Midnight. "Hinata. Do you know?"

"Kyubi," said Hinata shyly. "Sakura-san is all right?"

"I really wanted to have this conversation with just you and me," said Midnight. "So you know about that."

"It was said about him when I was very young, and I wondered why some adults called him 'fox brat' - and when I read about seals, I sort of figured it out. That and his birthday."

Midnight nodded at the girl. "Good. You know that caused him to develop greater chakra capacity. That his family might have already inclined him towards a powerful chakra, but having the Kyubi sealed in him did that even more."

Hinata shook her head. No, she hadn't realized that, but she didn't know who Naruto's parents were either.

"SOMEONE GET ME OUT OF HERE!" yelled someone.

"Oh bother," said Midnight, making a gesture. Suddenly Sakura Haruno was sitting there, frozen in a moment. "I have to get through the parts of this that are classified by your village as a top secret - you have a right to know because you are engaged to Naruto and because you love him."

"EEEEP!" said Hinata, who began to faint. And then suddenly wasn't in danger of fainting at all.

"That's enough of that," said Midnight, shaking her head. "You know about that with Naruto. Naruto doesn't know how you feel about him, but you really ought to say something soon."

"But... I can't," muttered Hinata.

"If you can't, you will lose," said Midnight. "However, I have arranged for you to be here for the purpose of meeting you and setting down an offer."

"A-a-an offer?" asked Hinata.

Midnight considered the frozen Sakura for a moment, then made a single gesture.

"What? Where? When? How? Why?" asked Sakura as the twelve year old girl tried to figure out where she was and why was she having tea with Hinata and some woman she didn't know. "The cavern?"

"Hush, child," said the woman. "I am Mitternacht. You are currently inside me. The dragon is not here. You will return to Konoha in a moment. Since you are a girl of Hinata's age, in mostly her own situation, and you have zero desire to go after the same boy that Hinata desires - I'm offering you a chance to give your friend here counsel."

"What?" asked Sakura.

"When you leave here, I will be waiting, Hinata," said Midnight. "You can come to me if you ever decide to take this offer."

"What offer is that?" asked Sakura as Hinata fidgeted.

"The statues you see there are all of gods who have died, but some of their essence and some of their will and some of their power could be gathered," said Midnight. "If Hinata desires, as the fiancee of the wielder of my prison, she can have one of these sealed within her. You get some measure of that power, they get to live again - even if that life is through you."

"What kind of power?" Sakura asked again as apparently Hinata was reluctant to speak.

Midnight faded from her seat to stand next to the first statue, which was of a man in robes and battered hat, apparently reading from a book. "This is **Azuth** - the patron of spellcasters where I was the goddess of magic. With him within you, you would master jutsu faster and your hand seal speed would increase."

Midnight flicked, simply disappearing from her position near the statue of Azuth, to reappear next to the next statue in line.

"**Eilistraee**," said Midnight, touching the pedestal of a statue that held a woman dancing with a two-handed sword in her grasp. "Goddess of song, beauty, dance, swordskill, hunting, moonlight. An elven goddess. With her sealed within you, your skills with swordwork would increase. Also your speed and grace."

The next statue had a vaguely feminine shape, but no details. "**Leira**," said Midnight. "Goddess of deception and stealth and shadow. A trace of her power and essence remained, hidden away, and I was able to retrieve it from the Astral."

"**Tyr**," gave Midnight next to the next statue. "God of justice of the Realms. He would give you increased strength and some other talents."

"Finally **Helm**," said Midnight at the last statue. "God of watchfulness. With him sealed inside you - you would find yourself more aware of your surroundings. Less likely to be surprised. Also quicker to react."

"Why should Hinata take something like that?" said Sakura. "She's already got the Byakugan. What more could she want?"

"Mff," managed Hinata.

Midnight sighed. "Right now, there's a boy she likes. Right now, there is a divide between them that she feels she cannot cross. Right now, that boy is concerned about her."

"Eh?" said Hinata, startling enough to look up.

"He IS concerned," said Midnight. "He made enemies. If they see you as vulnerable and a weakness - they will go after you. This solution was discussed between myself and that person."

"Na-Naruto-kun is concerned about me?" asked Hinata as if the very idea of someone being concerned for her well-being was nigh on an alien concept.

"Come on, Hinata," retorted Sakura. "Your team is concerned about you too. I'm not too sure about this whole 'sealing' thing though."

"I have given you the choice, Hinata," said Midnight, standing up. "It is up to you whether you take it or not."

"I see," said Hinata.

"Now, return to your world, and know that your cause is not lost - yet," said Midnight, making a gesture that caused Hinata to fade away.

"Hinata's engaged to Naruto," said Sakura, shaking her head. "Whenever I hear that I can't help but wonder..."

"What she sees in him?" asked Midnight with a smirk. "Perhaps her eyes see more than your own."

"I kind of doubt that where Naruto's concerned," said Sakura.

"You as well, child," said Midnight. "It's time to return."

* * *

Shino and Kiba watched as Naruto drew a sleeping Sakura out of a pouch about as big as his fist.

"Okay, that's kind of odd," said Kiba eventually.

Shino nodded once in response.

"Okay," said Naruto. "So I get the right thing for you, I need to know what you can do. Oh, Kiba, you might want to leave your puppy at home though. This is gonna be really dangerous."

"Naruto," said Kurenai as Kiba and Akamaru bristled at the comment. "I realize several years have passed for you within what has been a few weeks for us - but the Inuzuka clan uses specially trained and bred ninja-dogs as partners for their special techniques."

"Oh," said Naruto. "That makes sense, I suppose. Hang on."

Again Naruto reached into the pouch, this time withdrawing another leather pouch containing four vials of potions. "Each of these potions is a one-shot 'jutsu' - you drink it and the effect goes off within a few seconds."

Kiba lost his snarl as he considered the four glass vials in the padded leather case. "What do they do?"

Naruto pointed to each of the symbols on the labels as he explained. "Cure Serious Wounds - causes wounds to heal as if you had a medic working on you. Fire Resistance - makes the drinker and any equipment on you much harder to burn, protects you from the heat some too. Won't help against smoke inhalation though, so keep that in mind. Haste - basically makes your speed double for as long as the potion lasts, but it'll tire you out too. This last one is an Enlarge potion. Temporarily makes you bigger and stronger. The potions with a duration, which is everything but the healing potion, last about five minutes. Don't mix potions, by the way."

Kiba nodded. The inclusion of the healing potion brought home that this WAS serious, and so he put aside his natural irritation at the boy acting like some Alpha Male around him.

"The Aburame clan also uses animal partners," prompted Kurenai.

"Our bodies are used by colonies of parasitic insects which allow us our special jutsu," said Shino. "A mutually beneficial arrangement."

Naruto frowned, head cocked as if listening to something for a moment. "Okay, maybe this..." Again he reached into the pouch, again he pulled something out.

The wand was about the length of his hand, made of bone with a spiral of dull copper wrapped around it. Shino took it, but gingerly as if afraid it was going to do something unnatural.

"Wand of Lightning Bolts," explained Naruto. "Point it at something, say 'firainnahole' and it'll throw a low-powered lightning bolt at the target. It will only work a set number of times, a little over thirty, though."

"I see," said Shino, slipping the now-revealed-as-a weapon into his sleeve.

Naruto went back to his pouch, this time pulling out a metal flask with a screw-top to hand to Kurenai.

"What does this do?" asked Kurenai as she examined it.

"Decanter Of Endless Water," said Naruto. "Unstopper it and use a short rhyme to activate it and choose the function. It provides fresh water. A stream of water - about one gallon every six seconds. A fountain - a stream about as tall as Sakura - about five gallons every six seconds. Last function is 'geyser' and that's shooting water out at about 30 gallons per six seconds under high pressure. You have to use another short rhyme to get it to stop."

"I see," said Kurenai, thinking of a half-dozen uses for such a thing as she carefully packed it away.

"So what are you getting for your fiancee?" asked Sasuke, raising an eyebrow.

"'fiancee'?" asked Kiba.

"Hinata," said Sasuke.

"That's for real?" asked Kiba, now scowling.

"She can get out of it any time she wants," Naruto reminded Sasuke.

"No," muttered Hinata, despite being unconscious.

"Was that a 'no' - she doesn't want the engagement? Or was that a 'no' she doesn't want to get rid of the engagement?" asked Kiba, turning his scowl into puzzlement.

"Actually, I was thinking of this," said Naruto, reaching into a pocket and pulling something out.

"A ring?" asked Kurenai, examining it.

Naruto blinked. Hadn't that just been in his hand?

"Oh hoh," said Kurenai, examining the ring in question.

"Ah hah," said Kiba, now smirking.

"Hnnn," said Sasuke, also smirking.

"I see," said Shino, pushing his glasses back further on his nose and being the exception in NOT examining the ring further - Kurenai having gone so far as to pull a magnifying glass out from somewhere.

"Magic?" asked Sasuke eventually.

"Yeah," admitted Naruto. "It looks kind of cheap, but it's actually fairly useful. It's called a 'Ring Of Regeneration' - and the wearer heals really fast."

"So it doesn't actually mean anything that you're giving her a ring?" asked Sasuke, managing somehow to add the term 'smirkingly' to his tone in asking that simple question.

"Well, I mean she is my fiancee," said Naruto with a shrug. "Even if she IS awfully young."

"So, can I get a magic sake jug?" asked some woman as she landed next to Kurenai.

"A what?" asked Naruto.

"This is Anko Mitarashi," said Kurenai. "She's the extra jonin for this mission. She's a specialist."

"Oh?" asked Naruto. "What's your specialty?"

"You're too young to ask that," said Anko. "Eh? I thought he was supposed to be twelve. He looks..."

"You didn't read the ANBU report?" asked Kurenai.

Naruto sighed. "As soon as Sakura and Hinata wake up, I'll go over mission objectives now that we're all here."

* * *

Lolth had entered this universe, ready to punish whoever had messed with the destruction of her daughter. She had gone back to her realm, having determined WHAT was messing around in this timeline. Only to find nearly a thousand of her tormented souls and even a few living drow who weren't sufficiently worshipful had somehow disappeared. She returned her attention in full to those prisoners, rather than have more slip her grasp.

As for those souls and escapees, what of them?

* * *

One thing had led to another. Jiraiya had heard a rumor and been intrigued.

On seeing one of these rumored individuals in the market of Roulette Village, he was rather more intrigued.

She had been wearing a hooded cloak, but the occasional flash of exotic nut-brown skin as she concluded a deal for a wagon of supplies had revealed a few details the aged pervert could appreciate.

It was times like this that he was grateful that Tsunade had always rebuffed his advances (though frankly the force of those denials had been excessive even when he had been serious about the whole 'settling down' thing) and he'd continued his 'wandering pervert' spy lifestyle. Why, if she'd actually responded to one of his more serious flirtings - he might have settled down and become a respectable ninja/father/etcetera. Then he wouldn't be nearly as effective as a spy, more importantly - he wouldn't be here for this.

Following the trail was easy enough a genin fresh out of the Academy could have probably managed it. The woman was exceptionally wary though, so he had to follow at a distance. A very FAR distance as it turned out she was able to detect him nearly as if she had a Byakugan or something.

This country did not have a ninja village, so why had a rumor of a ninja village hidden even from the rulers of the country itself suddenly began making its way through the grapevine?

Such things made rulers of countries very nervous. Nervous rulers made their neighbors nervous. That tended to have all sorts of repercussions that screwed up people's lives at all levels of society. It wasn't instant though, so he'd just investigate and then be able to put a few words in the right ears.

Which was distracting him from going back to Konohagakure because he'd intended to investigate some rumors about some new bloodline that was going around.

His hobbies and his line of work both indicated that the hooded cloak concealed a very well built - if slender - maiden. That the woman was a warrior, not a stealth expert. That, despite her build, was heavy - indicating armor or some jutsu.

Also, from when he'd come close to her in the market place, that she smelled faintly of honeysuckle.

The coins she'd passed the merchant he'd spoken with were unfamiliar but were of gold. Therefore valuable though not generally passed around. Real gold coins that changed hands a lot wore quickly as gold was a soft metal, and merchants had a tendency to shave little bits off.

He noticed the ambush point long in advance of getting there.

It was a good choice, the forest giving way to sparse vegetation and rubble with the slow climb in elevation reaching the appropriate point for this area. There was a narrow pass with two cliffs bordering. More to the point, there were guards posted on one cliff. Which meant that the one on the other cliff was better at hiding.

Jiraiya considered that for awhile, letting the woman with her wagon move further ahead. To move ahead into the trap? Try and sneak in? Just go down the road as if unaware of anything, just a curious wanderer with nothing better to do?

Ah, the more obvious of the guards was exchanging a set of signals with the trader.

Maybe stay here and observe would be the best choice for now.

* * *

"Okay, here you go, Hinata," said Naruto, taking her hand and putting the ring on her palm. "It's... she fainted."

"Idiot," said Sakura, slapping him in the back of the head. "What ELSE was she going to do?"

"Sakura. Stop that. Really," responded Naruto. "Now that everyone has equipment-"

"Ahem," pointedly said Anko, crossing her arms in front of her and giving him a hostile look.

"No, you are NOT getting an everfull bottle of sake," said Naruto. "This is a mission. A potentially deadly mission."

"So you do have one?" asked Anko, suddenly more alert. "It's called an 'everfull bottle'?"

"Yes, but you're not... when did you steal my pouch?" asked Naruto.

"Now how does this work?" asked Anko as she opened the pouch and then tried to look inside.

_WHIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP! swoop!_

"You know," said Kurenai after the pouch had hit the ground. "I just somehow knew that was going to occur. There's just one thing to say right now."

"'Better her than me?'" asked Sasuke.

"'Oh no, not again?'" suggested Sakura.

"'Aren't we EVER going to get to the actual mission?'" tried Kiba.

"'This is fate'?" was Shino's contribution.

"'I am not going in after her'?" hoped Naruto.

Hinata was unconscious and not available for comment.

"Rowl ruff?" supplied Akamaru, feeling left out.

"WHAT THE #?*! IS THAT?" screamed Anko from somewhere inside the pouch. "%&##!"

Ayame, as this WAS taking place in a private reserved room behind Ichiraku's, tried "Not stupid, not expendable, not going. Oh. Maybe 'Now that she had coming.'"

Kurenai regarded the innocent-looking little pouch on the ground. "I'm not going near that."

* * *

Anko looked inside the special pouch. She wasn't sure how much of what she'd heard was true, how much was exaggeration, and how much was completely without basis.

The pouch that contained lots of stuff was obviously some sort of seal technique. Since it was possible to make a canteen that stored a lot more water than was normally possible using fuuinjutsu - then the idea of a bottle of sake that never ran out wasn't too far a stretch of the imagination.

"Now how does this work?" asked Anko as she opened the stolen pouch and looked inside.

_Unauthorized access is not permitted,_ said a voice inside her head, sounding odd as if the speaker wasn't talking with just one mouth.

She'd once seen, in a trip to the capital, some young kid drinking some ice cream confection through a straw that curled and twisted in on itself. It felt as if she had turned to liquid and were being sucked through just such a straw.

When she stopped and felt as if her bones and flesh were no longer infinitely malleable - it was dark.

Anko fortunately knew a few things about such situations and quickly used her other senses to get a picture of her surroundings.

Slowly dripping liquid hitting a pool of the same, probably water. Some sort of cave? Rock floor, rough - natural cavern of some kind?

Another noise sounded, one that caused Anko to go completely still in the darkness. Something had just sniffed the air and stirred. Something BIG. Like a big summons. Something moved again, and she placed the size as over ten Manda - using the boss snake summons as a reference. NOT good.

Anko decided creating a light was not a good idea as it made you very visible to potential enemies. Fortunately there was another possibility she knew. Hands flicked through the handseals quickly and she channelled chakra silently in the technique to give her darkvision.

She saw the cavern was huge, extending out into the darkness beyond the range of the jutsu. There was a small pool nearby, with water dripping into it from the darkness above.

Then there was what was sharing space in the cavern.

"WHAT THE #?*! IS THAT? %&##!"

The thing moved slightly to regard her, then raised its head off of the cavern floor to regard her more fully.

BIG. She couldn't see the end of it. The jutsu she'd used gave her a visual range of roughly roughly 500m. She could see enough to see how freaking huge it was and Anko realized that she had been right. It was at least ten times the size of Manda and infinitely more dangerous-looking.

It regarded her briefly. Then it said something.

Her name.

It was not her name "Anko Mitarashi" but something else, something more primal and intricately connected to her. Somehow it summed her up - her past and her future, her hobbies, preferences. The face she showed to the world, the one she showed to her admittedly small group of friends, and the one she kept hidden even from them.

She wasn't aware how long it was before she became aware that she was on her knees, crouched over, clutching her head. Feeling as if that single word from the Beast had been like tapping a glass with a spoon - causing it to chime and reverberate. Like a more forceful utterance of that word would have shattered her into a thousand pieces.

Experience had taught her - there were fights that it was best to avoid, and there were times you had to be very very polite. There were other times when you had to at least ACT stronger than you were to avoid getting swatted.

She got to her feet again, snarled up at the beast and put her best game-face on.

"That the worst you can do?" asked Anko.

**Child, you have no idea what my 'worst' would do to you,** rumbled the Beast.

"What's the worst you can do, kill me?" said Anko, hating the fact that she was shaking.

The Beast before her sighed and shook its head in what was obviously a copy of a human gesture.

Anko realized she'd taken a step backwards as the Beast fixed its eyes upon her, felt power gather around her.

"Enough," said a woman's voice.

Anko slowly looked up. There was now a woman, with unbound dark hair, between her and it.

"You really should have known better," said the woman to Anko. "There really are times when caution would suit you better."

"Well," said Anko, who HAD noticed that the big Thing there had immediately backed off from whoever this was. "Why ruin a perfect record?"

The woman raised a perfectly arched eyebrow at her before turning her attention towards the Beast.

Anko felt the brief impulse. She could zip over there, put a kunai against the woman's throat, demand her way out of here. She twitched as she judged the distance.

The Beast regarded her and spoke again.

Anko felt herself shatter into thousands of tiny pieces. Then those pieces shattered, and the resulting dust shattered. Then there was a rush as things were put back together.

* * *

The woman put her hand against her head as the dizziness passed. What had just happened?

She was... Anko. Yes, that was it. Her name was Anko Mitarashi. She was the owner of a tea shop. She was a master of tea ceremony, and the Uzumaki boy's tutor in etiquette and ninjutsu.

Anko looked over her kimono, a light tan with embroidered cranes in gold, and over her tea service as she tried to figure out what had jarred her from the soothing routine of her duties.

A woman entered the shop, looking around. "Well, this is interesting. I can also see you're rather more at peace with yourself, but I really think that this won't do. Sorry about that."

"Excuse me?" asked Anko.

There was a sense of suddenly breaking apart into a thousand pieces.

* * *

Anko blinked and uncurled from where she'd apparently gone into a fetal position. "WHAT THE #$! WAS THAT?"

"The guardian here used your truename and then changed your life to make you less of a thief," said the woman. "I simply changed you back. You should have the memories of that other life though, so perhaps that will give you a measure of that peace."

"I... remember," said Anko softly as she tried to grasp what had just happened. The thing was, she COULD remember. Remember having a crush not on Orochimaru but on Minato Namikaze. On being friends with him and his girlfriend Kushina. On swearing to look after the child. Raising the child, defending him, teaching him what she could. Having a tea shop that was occasionally vandalized but then rebuilt by ANBU who frequented the place. She had served a useful and necessary role in that different past - providing a link to culture and ceremony as well as brief time of peace and reflection for ninja. It was... odd.

"It'll fade somewhat," said the woman. "Now, if you would?"

The world around her blurred and they were suddenly in a gazebo surrounded by a trimmed lawn and gardens.

Anko blinked as the absence of the Beast and her new surroundings penetrated. "What?"

"This is something of a dream that I've set up to meet people in," said the woman. "You know me as 'Mitternacht' if you've read the reports."

"Uhm, should I have?" asked Anko, suspecting that maybe she SHOULD have read those reports after all.

The woman rubbed the bridge of her nose briefly. "Your body is currently lying on the floor of the meeting place. I simply wanted the chance to speak with you."

"Okay, so speak already," said Anko, trying to get some control of the situation back.

* * *

"Kurenai-sensei?" said Hinata as she finally woke up. "I had the strangest dream."

"What did it involve?" asked Kurenai.

"Naruto-kun and chocolate glaze?" asked Hinata as she tried to remember. Slowly she levered herself up. Odd, this wasn't the training ground. This was...

Naruto stared.

Kiba stared.

Well, heck EVERYONE was staring.

Hinata's eyes tracked back to Naruto. _FAINT!_

"This time I don't blame her at all," said Naruto.

"Clearly, lying her down next to Anko was NOT a good move," said Kurenai. "Anko's influence is showing."

* * *

Jiraiya had waited for the scout to approach him.

He wasn't hiding. He had actually set up his campsite but hadn't summoned toads or used any jutsu beyond a handful of D-Ranked "camping jutsu" that most ninja didn't even bother with nowadays.

A little earth-technique cleared a spot and put a little crater in the ground. Gather some twigs and sticks, apply a little fire technique. In very short order he had a hammock strung between two trees, a minimal-smoke campfire going, water heating up in a kettle over that fire, and was chewing on a ration bar he'd picked up back in Roulette.

He didn't bother to do anything about the watchers when they arrived, in fact he pretended they weren't there. He didn't detect any hostile intent, just wariness. Well, much hostile intent anyway.

In the meantime he just waited for the one of the women to arrive.

She did, obviously taking her time to appear nonthreatening. Jiraiya noted that and attributed it to them being mostly curious. He hadn't done anything to particularly flag any danger signals, beyond following that one trader. Honestly, they should have expected that - and expected less than scrupulous people to do so. Flash a little money and you'd draw rather unsavory people who'd try to take it from you. So a few precautions were to be expected.

Well, cautious but curious was his own approach.

When he'd arranged the campsite, he'd put one log near the fire on one side - with another log on the other side. Aware of the scrutiny, he'd placed a few things out around the campsite - clearly arranging for an overnight stay. He'd also gotten two cups and a tea set. Sharing tea with what he suspected was an attactive young lady was not as good as warm sake - but it was a start. Besides the "harmless old pervert novelist" guise - while perfectly natural for him and a part he could play to perfection - was sometimes not as well received as it could have been. Until he knew more, he couldn't...

Jiraiya didn't tense, but instead reviewed the camp's placement. One of the hidden watchers had waited for him to be distracted while adjusting the kettle. Then that watcher had darted forward and then back up into that tree. He frowned and casually glanced over the camp, then compared the memories of the camp as he'd set it up versus what he'd just seen.

Hmmm. One of his books? Had he set out one of the Icha Icha series? Well, it might work to go with the "harmless pervert author" image. Or they might chase him from the area while throwing sharp pointy objects. One got him more information than the other, but both outcomes served to give him more information than he had now.

The newcomer finally arrived and stopped at the trail where the campsite was just off that track. Jiraiya noted that the hooded cloak hung down to ankle level and was identical to the one that the trader had worn. This individual was a bit shorter though, perhaps a genin or the equivelant. This also was a hopeful sign.

The giggle from that one tree was... well, it could be a hopeful sign or it could be something to be concerned about.

"The hour grows late. Do you mind sharing your fire for a few minutes?" asked the newcomer. Jiraiya guessed young woman, chunin age. Well, for a typical chunin. Some genin stayed genin for quite some time.

"No problem," said Jiraiya, broad grin in place. "I saw you coming and I'm making tea."

"I see," said the hooded figure, who then paused and undid the clasp, taking the cloak and spreading it out to cover her seat.

Jiraiya couldn't help but stare. Cute. VERY cute. Also quite obviously not from around here. Long pointed ears, skin a shade or two darker than chocolate, eyes that were as red as those of Kurenai Yuhi but longer and more slender. White hair that hung down past her waist. She wore some unfamiliar looking clothing, silk of some kind from the look of it, with leather dyed a dark blue forming the fastenings.

Jiraiya relaxed back on his log. The young girl was bait. If he did anything untoward, no doubt the watchers would turn hostile. Well, he wasn't inclined to hostile yet. Lecherous perhaps, though she looked a bit young for his tastes.

Another giggle from the tree, which caused his guest to startle and then look nervously at him.

"Strange birds around here," said Jiraiya. "Now, you've probably guessed why I'm here."

The girl looked relieved for a moment and then wary.

"I am," began Jiraiya, preparing to introduce himself.

"The author of Icha Icha Paradise!" said a voice.

Jiraiya blinked as suddenly he was surrounded.

"Can I get your autograph?" asked one of the young women who'd NOT been bait.

Yes, Jiraiya thought, this WAS beginning to look hopeful.

"What? You're kidding," said the bait. "He's the writer of those?"

"You've read my novels?" asked Jiraiya.

"Are you here to research a new one? Can I help?" asked the one who was holding out a VERY well-worn copy of Icha Icha Paradise.

"I just loved page 472!" said another woman, who propped a copy of the same novel so that the spine was framed by her breasts.

Yes, Jiraiya thought to himself, this was beginning to look QUITE hopeful. My goodness gracious, that girl put Tsunade to shame!

* * *

_CRASH!_

"My lady!"

Tsunade looked at the glass of booze draining off the table, then slowly looked up at the concerned Shizune.

"My lady, what happened?" asked Shizune, who hadn't been looking at Tsunade at that moment.

"I feel as if some great upheaval in the natural order has just occurred," said Tsunade carefully, as she picked shards of glass up. "And also, somehow, someway, Jiraiya is involved."

* * *

Orochimaru twitched and the victim on the table died. "Hmmm."

"What happened?" asked Kabuto.

"I suddenly felt as if in some no-doubt trivial manner, Jiraiya had just surpassed me," said Orochimaru with a frown. He hadn't nearly finished with this patient and the peasant had the audacity to go dying before he was ready.

"Impossible," said Kabuto.

"I suppose," said Orochimaru. "You should be getting back to the Leaf before much longer."

"Nothing of import happens there anyway," pointed out Kabuto.

* * *

Anko groaned, got slowly up and ordered a strong drink to steady her nerves as the meeting finally got underway.

"Okay, does anyone know anything about a land known as The Howling Desert?" asked Naruto.

"It's very far away," said Kurenai after nobody else seemed inclined to speak up. "It's not exactly easy to get to either. I remember something about an ancient war or plague."

"Well," said Naruto. "That's not much. I could cast 'Legend Lore' to get some more information - but that could take a couple of weeks and still doesn't get us good intel."

"If it's that far away, how do we get there?" asked Kiba.

"Teleportation Circle," said Naruto. "It'll take about ten minutes when we're ready. That's how we'll return too. It'll take me ten uninterrupted minutes to cast the jutsu. When I finish the jutsu - travel is instant so don't be going in or out of the circle at that time."

"Mission objective is to gather information only," said Kurenai Yuhi as her eyes swept the group. "With that information we go back to the Hokage. This is considered a C-Rank Mission at present."

"I'll start if there's no questions," said Naruto. At a nod from Kurenai he produced a chunk of yellow-brown stone and crushed it in his hand - the stone crumbling to dust which then spread itself out into a circle five feet across.

* * *

Jiraiya, one of the three legendary ninja of Konoha, could be very good at listening.

That the girls around him were discussing several of his earlier novels was interesting, and the parts they found interesting were also revealing a few details.

The sex scenes were something that many critics and even a few fans solely focussed on. As if he didn't put plot and humor and adventure and misadventure in there as well. But sex SOLD, something that had been clear from the first Icha Icha book compared to his more straight-up and serious treatment in "Gutsy Ninja" - which was ALSO being discussed.

When it came to the underground city these women hailed from - that also told him a few things.

The underground city was partly ruined and the water table was high enough and the city low enough that there was constant seepage from below.

The statues, which looked deliberately broken, were of spiders and similar things.

All of which had Jiraiya wondering exactly what had gone on here.

Then he found two identical of these young ladies wanting some private time with him, and considerations of intelligence gathering were temporarily moved down the queue in priority.

* * *

"You okay?" asked Kurenai of her long-term associate.

"Yeah, just a bit much to deal with," said Anko as she leaned back against the wall and watched over this group. Two teams. Six genin, a dog, two jonin, one special jonin. When the time came, it was going to be a tight fit in that circle. "I'm surprised they didn't go with a team of chunin or an ANBU squad."

"Not currently available," said Kurenai. "After we scout and report back, that's a better possibility. The Hokage and the TSAB want information now, and the next available higher-ranked group would be an ANBU squad two days from now."

"Ah," said Anko, nodding at that.

"Whatever you saw down there really shook you up," noted Kurenai.

"I would advise you," said Anko carefully. "Not to do anything with that particular pouch."

"I'm pretty much inclined to agree with you," said Kurenai.

"Do you ever wonder how things might have been if you'd made a different decision at some point?" asked Anko, her voice uncharacteristically soft. "If you'd gone right instead of left at an intersection, or if you'd ended up walking a different road?"

Kurenai glanced at her friend, then regarded her team. "Maybe. Sometimes. You know, I'd heard about Naruto engaged to Hinata and I came very close to requesting that Naruto end up on my team so that they'd have a chance to be together."

"In-team romances never work out," said Anko. "Besides, she's twelve and innocent. He's got the eyes of someone who's seen war and he looks more seventeen."

"Maybe, but prior to Naruto's 'misadventure' they balanced out," said Kurenai. "Now, of course, they're less so."

Anko was ready to reply when Naruto interrupted with a "Now."

As soon as the last of them was inside the circle, Naruto completed a gesture.

Ayame nodded to no one in particular in the now empty room, simply exited it and locked it behind her.

* * *

One minute they were in the room behind Ichiraku's that was rented for special events or meetings.

A seeming eyeblink later, and feet were sinking an inch into fine gritty sand.

"Hinata, search the area," called out Kurenai over the wind and rustle of sand. "Kiba, Shino, perimeter guard."

"Right," acknowledged Kiba. "Let's go, Akamaru."

"Arf!" responded his dog.

Shino nodded and went the opposite direction.

Yugao drew her sword. "Sakura, Sasuke, you too. Sakura, get some altitude. Naruto, can you do anything to pull up more information?"

"Now that we're here, I could do a Legend Lore - but that still takes about a half-hour to cast," said Naruto.

"How far away are we from the objective?" asked Anko, spitting sand out of her mouth when some blew in.

"Roughly three miles from the position the TSAB gave," said Naruto. "Any closer and there's some shielding erected."

"I see something!" called out Hinata. "It's zombies? There's so many of them!"

* * *

"Second Wind No Jutsu," used Jiraiya.

"More like the sixth or seventh wind," said the sweaty and disheveled dark elf straddling him. "Meh. Who's counting?"

"Mph," protested the other dark elf in her sleep, stirring slightly at the renewed activity.

Oh yeah. This was SO going in the next book.

* * *

"Okay," said Anko as they watched columns of swirling sand go by. "Now we know why it's called the 'Howling Desert.'"

"What?" asked Kurenai. "I couldn't hear you over the wind!"

"Nevermind," said Anko, raising her voice a bit.

Kurenai nodded.

Hinata said something and pointed, then held up a hand with her fingers spread wide.

"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Anko, speaking loudly.

Hinata mumbled something that probably wouldn't have been audible even if there had not been large swirling columns of sand nearby.

"You really need to cure her of that," Anko shouted to Kurenai. "Let me train her for a couple weeks."

"I'm not sure she'd survive!" yelled back Kurenai.

Hinata looked rapidly between Kurenai and Anko, looking fairly nervous about the prospect.

Sakura flitted overhead, her shadow passing over Hinata.

"So what did you get from Naruto?" asked Kurenai, moving closer to Anko so that they didn't have to shout quite so much.

* * *

Tsunade frowned and looked at her winnings. Something was going on. Something so terribly wrong that her own mind preferred to not contemplate it.

"My Lady," breathed Shizune. "You've won back everything you've lost here today. I don't think I've ever seen you break even."

Tsunade nodded, then got up from the gaming table. "Come, Shizune. We're going to leave before something terrible happens to this place."

* * *

Kurenai knew that Anko had gotten something from Naruto. She could also make a guess based on what she'd seen so far.

Sakura Haruno had a broomstick that allowed her to fly.  
Sasuke Uchiha had a four-pack of potions, from the odd comment dropped - they would allow healing of wounds.  
Kiba Inuzuka had gotten a similar four-pack of potions.  
Shino had something called a "Wand Of Lightning Bolts."  
Kurenai herself had a device called a "Decanter Of Endless Water" - which she'd quickly tucked away where it would be safe.  
Hinata was now wearing the Ring Of Regeneration that Naruto had given her, and was unconsciously running a finger along it every so often.  
Yugao Uzuki had a new sword that she ran through a few kata with, getting used to the size and weight of it.

Anko pulled out a small hand mirror. "Not sure what it's supposed to do, but I noticed one thing immediately. Take a good look."

Kurenai frowned as she looked into the mirror, reaching up to brush away hair that the wind blew in front of her face. She stopped when she realized what she was looking at. "The images aren't reversed."

Anko nodded and put the mirror away again. "When we got time, I'll figure out more of it. What do we do now?"

Kurenai glanced over to where Naruto was still casting some jutsu. Then out at the direction that Hinata had indicated. Movement not related to the "dust-devils" was seen in the distance. "Their patrol's coming. We deal with that. Then a quick in and out, per the plan. Naruto's got the prep ready for a quick transport out - we can discuss findings and write a report when we're back."

"I like this plan," said Anko. "We get to the fight right away."

* * *

[Necromantic Dweomer detected.] announced the sword. [Contact in two minutes.]

"What's necromancy?" asked Anko.

"Black magic," said Naruto, his eyes still closed as he held the spell to allow them to retreat immediately. "The opposite of healing magic. Magic that decays flesh, raises people from the grave as undead mockeries of what they were, and curses."

Noting the contempt in Naruto's voice, Anko decided she was going to talk to Naruto about her old sensei sometime.

"What's a ship doing here?" asked Kurenai, determining that this was not genjutsu.

"There's bones all around us," said Hinata. "I think this used to be a sea bed."

"Great," said Anko. "Well, let's just deal with this situation as true ninja."

"How's that?" asked Hinata.

"Stab everything, of course," said Anko with a particularly feral grin.

"I'll have everyone gather, with Sakura and Sasuke hiding so they can flank," said Yugao, reaching for her communicator.

* * *

Jiraiya poured tea, sat back in a chair at the table and admitted to himself that the years WERE catching up. Why, he could remember a time when this wouldn't have tired him that much at all. Not that he'd ever been in this situation before - but he was pretty sure that he could have done that when he'd had a few less decades accumulated and he wouldn't be feeling bone-weary.

Not that he wasn't also feeling a certain degree of pleased as well.

First things first though. Spying. He had to make sure these "dark elves" didn't emulate certain insects by eating males after sex. That would require him to escape the city with all due speed as, while the bed partners sprawled out nearby were good - nobody was THAT good.

And if they did NOT include such practices, then he would have to maintain cordial relations with these girls. Maybe get them to move to the Land Of Fire. There was that one village that had been wiped out during the War. Nobody had moved back there due to rumors of ghosts. He'd spent considerable time camping there, and knew the rumors weren't true - so it MIGHT work out all around.

He'd have to see. And if things DID work out, then adding 'liason to hot elven women' to his resume sounded about right.

* * *

The ship was old and falling apart, as would be expected of a ship that had sailed the Howling Desert when it was actually a lake or something similar.

"ARRRH!" screamed a skeletal figure as he pointed at the group. "It be a ninja, three wenches, a dog and a mage!"

"Only ONE ninja?" asked Anko.

"Oh, sorry," said the pirate-zombie. "I didna see ye there. And one crossdresser!"

"CROSSDRESSER?" exclaimed the instantly incensed Anko, whipping her trenchcoat off. "WHAT DO YOU CALL THESE?"

"Funbags," said another zombie-ninja.  
"Boobies," said a skeletal pirate.  
"Has someone seen me eyes, I dropped 'em just now," complained the zombie-pirate-lookout.  
"Jugs!" said the cabinboy-zombie.  
"Breastses," hissed another zombie-pirate, moving his eyepatch aside to get a better look.

"Milky orbs," said another zombie.  
"Magnificent," said a bony zombie who apparently had a little self-preservation instinct still intact.

Anko pointed to that zombie. "That's the one we'll spare long enough to interrogate."

"You're right, that one appears to be the brains," murmurred Kurenai.

"The rest are just blind, dead, and dumb," agreed Anko.

"Wha?" asked a stunned-looking Kiba, still staring at something besides zombie pirates.

Kurenai muttered something about Anko putting her top back on before Kiba was scarred for life.

Anko grumbled and grabbed a couple handfuls of kunai.

Akamaru arfed questioningly.

"And wha do ye plan on doing with yer arsenal of stabby violence?" asked the pirate captain menacingly. "We be undead! Slashy or pointy little bits don't do diddly squat!"

"ARRRR!" said the pirate crew.

"We kill the dog, slaughter ye mage, the ninja, and the boy, and then have ye wenches to serve our scurvy crew," boasted the pirate captain. "What do ye think of that?"

"HEY," said Yugao, a little miffed herself. "I'm a girl too!"

"Are ye sure?" asked the pirate. "Me eyes aren't quite what they used to be when I was alive ye know."

Yugao drew her sword. "Frostbrand." The longsword began to glow with a fitful white radiance.

"Cap'n," said the mostly skeletal fellow who had the self-preservation instinct, "I think the lass has a magic sword."

"Yer point bein', Mister Schroedinger?" asked the zombie with the ornate hat.

"Normal pointy and slashy isn't too effective on us, Cap'n," pointed out Schroedinger, ignoring the way his zombie pirate cat was on a nearby rail hissing at the ninja dog. "Seeing as how we're neither really alive or really dead, but sort of a bit of both. The whole 'undead' thing, if you be getting my drift. Magic swords are a bit more effective."

"Ye be drifting out of the patois that we be supposed to use, ye scurvy dog," said the captain.

"And there's also the fact that they've taken this opportunity to board the ship," pointed out Schroedinger.

The pirate captain blinked, turned around, and his jaw dropped. Which necessitated that he bend over and pick it up off the deck and fit it into place. "Why be ye just standing around staring like that?"

"Because the gal in the trenchcoat just flashed us again when she jumped up here," mumbled a skeleton.

"Get them!" ordered the Captain, drawing a sword from his belt scabbard.

* * *

There were several ninja on the deck of the 'Dirty Deeds' pirate vessel. Anko Mitarashi, Kiba Inuzuka, Kurenai Yuhi, Hinata Hyuga, Yugao Uzuki. There was also a ninja dog named Akamaru.

"Katon: Gokakyu no Jutsu," called out Sasuke, throwing a fireball at the deck as he sat behind Sakura on her broomstick as she swooped past the ship.

The pirates, not having incredible dodging skills, stood there. Sasuke, not having experience in aiming a fireball while doing a high speed flyby, missed the pirates and toasted a parrot..

"All right, Sasuke!" said Sakura, clapping her hands together as her crush did something suitably awesome. In her eyes at least.

"Steer!" exclaimed Sasuke as the broomstick immediately dipped while still going at very high speed.

"Agh!" said Sakura, grabbing the broomstick with both hands again a split instant before the tip connected with the railing on the pirate ship.

Pirates and ninja watched in muted astonishment as the high speed broom approach became an end-over-end spin and was followed by a plume of sand erupting from the desert landscape.

[4.5] read the pirate captain's card.  
[3.0] read the cabinboy's card.  
[7.0] read Schroedinger's card.

Everyone looked at Schroedinger who shrugged and mumbled something about a "sympathy vote."

"Ah, well, if ye knaves be done putting out the fires," said the captain to his crew. "Can we get back to the bloody slaughter?"

Akamaru turned into a duplicate Kiba, both of them charging forward to engage skeletal pirates.

Anko figured that snakes and poison wouldn't be that effective against undead, and so settled for throwing kunai.

Kurenai frowned as she determined that undead were NOT affected by genjutsu. She determined this just before she was mobbed by the four zombies she'd attempted to engage in a genjutsu.

Yugao discovered that her new sword DID cut zombie flesh. The Icebrand wasn't as effective as a Flametongue would have been, but the magically keen blade was still effective.

"Fireindahole," said Shino, brandishing his new toy. Lightning flared in an arc, hitting a zombie and flash-frying it. Insects swarmed over another three zombies, which didn't seem to hurt the zombies but seriously freaked them out for some reason.

Hinata found herself being lifted overhead and being hauled along in Kurenai's wake towards a door that seemed a little too dark to be natural. This was really NOT the situation she wanted to be in.

Anko found herself being swarmed, her weapons ineffective against the undead. Using explosive tags might have worked, except that once they were grappling - that kind of made using explosives less attractive.

* * *

"Okay, this is NOT how it was supposed to work," said Kurenai as she struggled against the skeletons who were trying to lock her into some manacles and leggings.

"NO! Let me go!" cried Hinata as the zombies proceeded to lock her arms and legs into place.

"Heh heh heh," said the zombie pirate Captain, who was missing an arm now. "As soon as we get the magic sword away from that scurvy tomboy, she be joining ye."

Anko, cussing enough to turn the air blue, was carried down the steps, then locked in place, then gagged.

"That be better," said the Captain. "Wenches like you should be obscene and not heard, or so I be hearing."

Anko twitched and sent a spray of snakes out to attack despite being largely immobilized.

"Poisonous serpents, lass?" asked the captain as the snakes repeatedly bit at his flesh. "Well, ye'll be tamed soon enough by our dark Master."

"Your dark master?" asked Kurenai.

"Aye, once he heard there be wenches here, he was all for rolling out a most cordial greeting," said the pirate captain. "He has some frustrations apparently, and he's got all his fleshy bits. Ah, here's the... what's with that hair color?"

"What about it?" asked Kurenai as an unconscious Sakura was locked into place.

"Well, pink hair ain't exactly natural is it?" asked the captain. "Admittedly it HAS been quite awhile, but you'd think I'd remember something that stood out like that."

"That IS her natural hair color," said Kurenai, testing the metal of her restraints as her eyes caught a detail and she very carefully did NOT smirk. "So - who IS this Master of yours?"

"Don't know his name," admitted the zombie captain. "He be calling himself different things from time to time. I think he be new to the whole world-conquering evil overlord kind of thing. Also crazier than a drunken bedbug, if ye be getting me drift."

"So he's new to his role and learning the ropes as he goes along?" pressed Kurenai as the sounds of battle continued overhead.

"I think ye have the right of it lass," said the captain as he nodded to some dagger-wielding subordinates. "Strip the lasses down. We don't be needing to be bringing additional spiders or snakes and such along for the ride."

* * *

"Got you!" said a skeletal figure, bringing his cutlass down onto the unprotected mage.

_Swish!_

"Eh?" asked the skeleton. He swished his sword through the mage twice more, not meeting any resistance. "An illusion? Waitaminute. That means... oh this isn't good."

The skeleton had just started back for his ship to give the warning when Sasuke caught up with him.

* * *

Jiraiya sipped at the tea, not looking or leering at the various scantily clad dark elves around. He was, for the moment, sated. Also at the limits of his endurance, so leering and similar behavior wasn't planned. Later though. When he'd had a chance to recover. Yeah. He could do it then.

"So you noticed our little problem?" purred the dark elf.

"Yes, the water is rising and you can keep pumping, but this cavern isn't exactly stable anyway," said Jiraiya. "Now I've got a few people to ask, I have to get permission from various authorities - but the Daimyo of Fire Country is a big fan of my work. I think I can swing it."

The leader of the drow elves smiled and her eyes seemed to gleam. "If you could arrange such a thing, we would be ever so grateful."

* * *

_CRACK!_ went the teacup in Tsunade's hand.

_CRACK!_ went the teapot in front of Tsunade.

Tsunade twitched.

"This means something," said Shizune, looking a little panicked.

"I don't know why, I don't know how," said Tsunade slowly, "but I get the impression something very wrong just happened."

* * *

Being a genjutsu mistress meant being able to notice minute details. In order to craft a convincing illusion, you had to pay attention to the little things. In order to BREAK a genjutsu, you had to be able to notice tiny imperfections that one could seize on and use. Much like shifting a weight, even if you could lift the weight easily - you had to be able to properly grip the weight and bring leverage to bear so that your strength was usable.

Kurenai Yuhi WAS a genjutsu mistress. So she noticed that when Sakura was brought in, she had a very odd shadow that blurred the light ever so slightly. That there was an area where the illusion that nobody was there wasn't completely perfect.

She was a LITTLE anxious though when Yugao was brought down the stairs and the door was quickly barred and barricaded. There were now twelve zombies in the crowded cabin. Also herself, Anko, Sakura, Hinata, and now Yugao.

"So you're going to take us to your master?" pressed Kurenai.

"Aye," said the pirate captain. "He has ways of compelling your obedience, lass. You'll meet him soon enough. First though, there's this."

Kurenai looked at the odd pulsing orb. "And what exactly is that?"

"Something that our dread summoner came up with, that'll reduce you lot to panting loveslaves," said the pirate captain, brandishing it. "Should be entertaining. Let's test it out, shall we?"

"Naruto? Now," said Kurenai.

"Eh?" asked the Pirate Captain.

"Amplify spell," said Naruto, suddenly appearing.

[Holy Smite] said Mitternacht.

* * *

Holy Smite was a spell, clerical in nature as opposed to Arcane. Naruto tended to prefer Arcane spells. Not only did they tend to come easier, they usually were sufficient to remove obstacles and would get the respect of ninjas. His focus tended to overshadow that he was functionally the current high priest of the goddess Mystra.

Using the Amplify Spell, he threw power into the spell which was actually cast by Mystra - the goddess of magic - who handled the math and fine detail work.

As far as those watching were concerned, Naruto suddenly appeared with Mitternacht in staff-form, bringing the staff down to smack the deck beneath him. Golden light burst out, forming a wave which spread in all directions.

When the light struck Kurenai - she was stunned by the impact and the feeling of censure. It HURT though she realized the pain was not physical and wasn't intended either.

Hinata sagged in her chains. Sakura twitched. Anko screamed into her gag and a eruption of light occurred from her shoulder at the point that Kurenai recognized as being from her cursemark.

The skeletons however, shattered. Only the Captain remained even though it drove him to his knees and parts of him flaked off under the assault.

Unfortunately, the ship seemed to be dissolving too.

Hinata suddenly moved and the metal manacles holding her in place made sudden popping noises as they were wrenched free.

Kurenai was aware of that, and would have stared at the way the metal had deformed and Hinata was darting forward with a determined expression. She was aware of Anko slumping in her own bonds, what looked like a faint trail of smoke coming from her cursemark. Kurenai also noted that Sakura was beginning to wake up from whatever was done to her.

Kurenai Yuhi mainly put her attention on the pirate captain though. Who still held an orb which was rapidly escalating in briliiance. He looked as triumphant as anyone who might have a disintegrated rotted flesh face could.

Then the orb with all the squirming eyes and smoky swirls in it flashed several shades more brilliant and she fell into darkness.

* * *

The Hokage looked over the group and wondered if maybe this report was going to be a major problem.

"Kiba, Akamaru, and Sasuke were still on deck and far enough away from the blast that I didn't need to shield them, the amount Mitternacht absorbed kept it down to a localized field and should have weakened it sufficiently that everyone was able to throw it off on their own," said Naruto. "Otherwise the charm blast would have been continental in size. Plus it seemed that the enemy was specifically targetting living women with it."

"I was able to see the attack direction, and we then set off to do reconnaisance closer," said Sasuke, continuing the narrative. "We were able to avoid other patrols except for one comprised of these dried up guys that Kiba and Akamaru were able to take care of."

Shino nodded. "By that time my insects had recovered from the attempts to drain the undead and were able to scout. I lost a small scout group when the enemy enacted a barrier jutsu that Naruto determined involved a temporal stasis."

"You explained what that means, but I still don't get it," said Kiba.

"The opponent froze time," explained Naruto. "I can do something similar called 'Time Stop' but it just basically accelerates my time. In this case, the enemy literally froze time in a bubble ten miles across. I think he panicked - wasn't ready to face opponents. He tried two other overpowered attacks first - which Mitternacht was able to absorb but basically burned her out until she can process the overload."

"So... she ate too much?" asked Kiba.

"Uhm, sorta," hedged Naruto. "Still, it was better than letting them hit us."

"There's an entire sand dune made out of blue glass there in that desert," said Kiba.

Shino took a small pouch out of his jacked and spilled a little bit on the Hokage's desk. "This isn't blue glass."

"Sapphires?" asked the Hokage, looking at the little bits of blue ranging in size from sand grains to thumb-sized pieces.

"I took the liberty of acquiring a sample," said Shino, adjusting his glasses with one finger.

"That was when Naruto was trying to do his analysis-thingie?" asked Kiba.

"It was necessary for him to do that, and I did not wish to be unproductive," responded Shino with a slight incline of his head.

"And what did your analysis reveal?" asked the Hokage.

"Using the power of the artifacts in his possession, the enemy has frozen time - including himself in a ten-mile radius," said Naruto. "The good news is that he can't do anything while that's active. The bad news is that we can't get in there while its active. The effect is degrading, but it'll take about two years at the very least for it to fail. I'll have to go back in another year and measure it again to get a more exact time."

"I see," said the Hokage. "As the team leaders are currently unavailable, I'll need reports from all of you regarding this mission."

"Sir," acknowledged Shino, Naruto, Kiba, and Sasuke.

"Arf," agreed Akamaru.


	16. Chapter 16: Blue Light Special

**Another Fistful Of Omake**

by Greylle

DISCLAIMER: Original series belong to someone else.  
NOTE: The following are just ideas that are not currently being pursued. Anyone wanting to use or continue them are welcome to, just credit me for the initial twist OK?

Omake 16: Light of Hope

* * *

He'd died. He'd died and gone to Hell. That explained the Kyubi being present. The Kyubi being present in anthropomorphic form, sitting at the same table, and pouring himself a little shot of sake from a little ceramic jar into a saucer - maybe.

The cat-being describing this as a 'Starbase' not so much. This was all just weird.

The dying part he remembered though. Dying was painful. He really couldn't recommend it to anyone.

The cat brought up a display. "Here's the changepoint. You remember the mission to Wave Country, right?"

"Building bridges, right," said Naruto.

"Major changepoints are here and here," said Toltiir, bringing images up in holographic displays. "Zabuza severing your spinal cord, for example, would only require a slight change in technique."

"**Leaving the boy paralyzed for life is NOT exactly a positive change,**" pointed out the Kyubi.

"That's just an example," said the cat. "There are multiple timelines constantly branching off and merging with other timelines. Manipulating the timestream is easiest at these points - and each point normally only has a limited range that it can be changed. For example, if I gave you an Aura Of Cool or Aura Of Sex Appeal which would be funnier in the long run?"

"Aura of Sex Appeal?" asked Naruto.

"**Okay. Mind you, that won't kick in really until after the time skip.**"

"After the what?" asked Naruto.

"Now, after your insertion, you won't remember the future except in flashes and dreams. Maybe after you have gotten used to your new abilities, I'll put in a trigger and you can have full memories return at that point if you use it." Toltiir made a gesture and the Kyubi faded out.

"Waitaminute, what's this about an aura and what's a timeskipper and it's got a trigger?" asked a confused Naruto.

"You need to work on keeping up with things. Once you fall behind, you can't always catch up. Let's see. Maybe if we go with something other than the Should Have Been Fatal injury..."

"Hey!" complained Naruto.

"Now let's see, why not go ahead and do something a bit different. Maybe - this."

* * *

"Are we there yet?" asked Naruto.

"For the thousandth time - NO!" said Sakura, bopping Naruto on the top of his head.

"Actually, it's only been a dozen times," muttered Kakashi.

Naruto frowned as suddenly Sakura seemed a lot less cute for reasons he had no idea.

"It's getting late," noted Kakashi in a more normal voice. "We'll have to set up a campsite soon."

"That and it looks like it'll rain," said Naruto, pointing out that the cloud cover had been getting more ominous for the past few hours.

There was a rumbling and a gust of wet wind, prompting Sakura to bop Naruto on the head and mutter something about Tempting Fate.

"So Wave Country is more than a day away?" asked Sakura.

"Yes," said Kakashi. "Three days travel. We'll be able to cut time considerably on the way back though since we won't have to keep to a normal walking pace for Tazuna."

"Good," said Tazuna. "Huh. I don't remember that there."

Everyone followed the bridgebuilder's pointing finger to show something just off the path to their right.

Kakashi looked at the two statues near the road, bordering a faint path leading onto the shrine grounds. "Some sort of cat spirit?"

"Yes, the cat of chaos, patron of humor."

"WAGHHHH!" screamed Naruto and Sakura as they leapt away from the short ugly monk who was suddenly just THERE.

_Thud!_ Tazuna fainted.

The short fellow looked at the twitching Sasuke. "Your face is... most ominous."

Sakura recovered enough to try punching the little monk who'd just insulted Sasuke. She was NOT ready for the little guy to stop her punch with one hand without even looking in her direction. She certainly wasn't ready for him to fling her away like a rag doll.

"Attacking a monk is bad luck," pointed out the little guy, clapping his hands together and rustling a string of prayer beads. "So it is written."

Kakashi considered the way Sakura had been thrown to impact a tree and gradually slide down to land on her buttocks. "So you're a retired ninja?"

"I'm merely Sakuranbou, a monk and caretaker of this shrine. My niece Sakura is the miko but she is currently out doing an exorcism," said the little monk. "If you prefer, I am frequently called Cherry."

"Sounds like a girl's name," opined Naruto.

_THWACK jingle_

Sasuke eyed where Naruto was now face-first in the dirt, having had the monk produce his staff and bring it down on Naruto's head in less time than it took to blink. "He had that coming."

Cherry shook his head. "Well, come in. The rain won't hold off for long and I'm well acquainted with the way old bones get when out in the rain."

"I'm not THAT old," protested Kakashi.

"I meant that one," said Cherry, using his staff to point at the still-fainted Tazuna.

"I don't like this, Kakashi-sensei," said Sakura as she rejoined them. "It could be a trap."

"Hmph," said Cherry, turning his back on all of them. "Come. Or don't come. Make your mind up quickly. In this area, the rains can be pretty heavy."

Sakura waited until the little guy had gone through the doorway before commenting. "Well, maybe it won't rain at all!"

Kakashi sighed and hung his head. He just KNEW what was going to happen now.

Naruto held his hand out. "Hey. I just felt a raindrop."

Sasuke sighed and picked up one of Tazuna's arms. "Dobe?"

"Yeah yeah," said Naruto, grumbling as he picked up the other arm of Tazuna.

"It's not much of a rain," protested Sakura.

Kakashi was abruptly in the doorway, checking it out to make sure it wasn't a trap. That he was therefore under cover before the heavens opened up and a torrential rainpour began was purely a coincidence. A strong wind began to blow, whipping the rain around in gusts.

Sakura stood there for over a minute before the now-soggy kunoichi turned her face heavenward. "You call THIS a rainstorm? This is nothing!"

The wind gusted particularly strong, enough that it threw her into a tree. Then lightning struck.

* * *

"That looks like medic-nin healing," commented Kakashi.

"Hmph, you ninja. Everything looks like ninjutsu to you," said Cherry, his hands glowing with green light as he healed the girl's wounds. "Honestly. I told you at the outset this was a shrine to a god of humor. Daring that god to hit you? She should be glad she just got a near-miss from a lightning strike."

"You can heal wounds like that? That's cool," said Naruto as he watched.

"Like your ninjutsu, this is chakra-based," explained Cherry. "I am a monk however, and do with spiritual powers what you do with hand-seals and ninja technique."

"Ungh," said Sakura. "What?"

"So it IS like medical jutsu," said Kakashi.

"I've heard some of your medic-nin use similar techniques," admitted Cherry. "It just bothers me that anyone using chakra for anything automatically becomes a ninja as far as a ninja is concerned. Not everyone who trains to be able to use chakra is comfortable with the whole 'knife in the shadows' lifestyle you know."

"Well, that's true," admitted Kakashi. "Not even all ninja are particularly fond of that lifestyle."

"Hmph," hmphed Cherry, getting up as soon as he'd finished. "I suppose. Retirement benefits probably suck. Someone want to start the fire? Getting damn chilly."

Sasuke shrugged slightly, walked to the firepit, and spat a little flame into the stack of wood.

"I'll get the kettle," said Cherry finally. "It's nice to have guests. Don't get much traffic this way. Especially lately."

Tazuna saw this as his cue and started in on the troubles with Wave and That Damn Gato.

Cherry listened as he prepared an iron teapot and put it on a hook that allowed it to dangle above the fire. "Well, that explains a few things, I suppose."

"Maybe if I finish building the bridge, you'll get more business," said Tazuna.

"Hmph. If you finish the bridge, send word. I'll come by and bless it," said Cherry. "More business for you, more business for me."

Sakura looked around the old-seeming shrine, noticing the large wooden cat-statue against one wall, as well as the blankets that had been spread out.

"So what kind of business do you do?" asked Kakashi, still regarding everything around him and debating how likely this place was.

"When I'm not here, I put up a ward that makes people not notice this shrine, then I go out and do exorcisms and blessings and the like for the most part," said Cherry. "When I'm here, I can do those and weddings. The occasional sealing of dangerous items, removing of curses, typical priest stuff. Though often people will come here for wishes instead."

"'Wishes'?" asked Naruto.

Cherry nodded as he poked at the fire, adding another stick in the process. "Yes. Wishes. There's always a price though, a law of equivelant exchange. You have to give something to get something. And there's the dubious wisdom of asking a god of mischief and practical jokes to grant a wish."

"That's true in everything," said Kakashi, eyeing his students. "In order to get very good at chakra control, you have to practice. That's a sacrifice of time, energy, and effort. Same with taijutsu."

"Yes," said Cherry with a nod. "Natural talent can give you a good start, but it will only go so far."

"Hnn," grunted Sasuke.

"So if I wish I was Hokage?" asked Naruto.

"Hmph, you couldn't afford it, nor should you want to get it that way," said Cherry. "Kids. So impatient."

"True," agreed Kakashi.

"Wishes, huh?" asked Naruto. "How about I wish for a big bowl of ramen?"

Cherry tapped the kettle, pulled a cup of ramen out of one sleeve, and then proceeded to produce several UFO bowls out of his OTHER sleeve.

Naruto blinked as the monk began pouring water into bowls.

"Did you say something?" asked Cherry.

"Uhm, no," said Naruto, exchanging glances with the others.

Cherry shrugged. "I was expecting visitors, but didn't really feel like cooking anything. Especially when one of them would have such an ominous face."

Sasuke frowned at the reminder.

* * *

Night had fallen, and the torrential rain was more of a constant drizzle as if the clouds couldn't bother to put forth the effort to do a real rainstorm.

"Uhm, hey, oldguy?"

Cherry looked up from his poking of the fire. "Why aren't you asleep with the others?"

"Well, because this is my turn at watch," said Naruto.

"Ah, I see," said the old monk.

"Uhm, since you're awake, can I ask you something?" asked Naruto.

"You just did," pointed out Cherry. "You have a most ominous chakra. The other boy has a most ominous face. And the girl has a most ominous temper."

"Boy you can say THAT again," agreed Naruto.

"No, too easy," said Cherry. "Not touching that one."

"Eh?" asked Naruto.

"What do you want, loudmouth?" asked Cherry.

"Eh? Why do you call me..."

"Respect, you have to give it to get it," said Cherry, poking at the fire again. "If I'm 'oldguy' you'll be 'loudmouth' right?"

"...but oldguy..."

"Hmph, if you're asking for favors or information, you're not doing a good job of it," said Cherry, shaking his head. "Not completely your fault. That ominous chakra is screwing with your brain. Making you dumber than you otherwise would have been."

"You mean... it's giving me brain damage?!" asked Naruto.

_That would explain a few things,_ thought Kakashi as he listened to the conversation.

"Hmph, you should have a seal master put an extra filter on that," said Cherry.

"You said that your god here granted wishes?" asked Naruto, deciding that beating around the bush wasn't his style anyway. Besides, what kind of bush was it he was supposed to beat around and why would you do it in the first place?

"Yes, though there's always a payment for any wish," said Cherry. "If you make a wish, I will know what the payment for it will be."

"What if I wish... that I wasn't getting that brain damage stuff?" asked Naruto, his voice dropping from hushed to barely whispered.

"Stop wearing so much orange," said Cherry.

"Wha?" asked Naruto.

"-and would it kill you to learn to actually be stealthy?" asked Cherry, who then quietly clapped his hands together three times. "So says the god of pranks and mishaps."

"R-really?" asked Naruto. "But all I've got is orange jumpsuits!"

"I'd suggest a wardrobe change then," said Cherry. "Though that's just my advice. Safety-cone orange is good for getting noticed. Not so good for trying to stay alive when people are actively trying to kill you. Which is part of the ninja lifestyle and one of the reasons I'm not a ninja."

"...ugh," said Naruto. "Well, what about if I wish I was really strong? A future Hokage's got to be really strong, you know!"

Cherry's head came up, and Naruto took three steps back. The monk's eyes were glowing but it couldn't seem to settle on a color.

"**Let those asleep remain asleep. Let those awake hear and remember,**" said the oddly reverberant voice of the priest. "**Know this, carrier of the Demon Fox. You are a child of prophesy and may become the savior of the ninja world. Against you will be arrayed formidable enemies - enemies whose power is such that you might as well be a newborn babe.**"

"So I'll just have that much more chance to be awesome, right?"

"**Or dead. Which is actually even more likely.**"

Images appeared in the air. Naruto getting a kunai thrust into the back of his head. Naruto getting strangled in ninja-wire. Naruto getting his head twisted around so that he could look at his own backside. Naruto getting decapitated. Naruto getting spikes through every part of his body. Naruto getting flash-fried.

"You can't see any happier possibilities?" asked Naruto weakly, deciding he didn't want to see those images and looking away.

"**I can see all of your possibilities, child of the Uzumaki clan. The question is what possibilities you will embrace. You are only getting this conversation because you ARE so important to the future of this world. So other than suggesting to your sensei that he start teaching more earnestly, I'm going to suggest that YOU come up with a specific desire. What boon do you want?**"

Kakashi raised an eyebrow but otherwise continued to feign sleep. He was pretty sure though that the only one he was fooling was Naruto at this point.

"What's it gonna cost me?" asked Naruto.

"**You can only eat ramen for one meal a week...**"

"Ack, no!" reacted Naruto.

"**Stop letting the pinkette pound you. That and the fart jokes get old really fast. I'm billions of years old, and bodily process humor wore thin after the first millenia.**"

"But..." Naruto's eyes immediately tracked to the sleeping Sakura.

"**For crying out loud, use more imagination when you prank someone! You're not in grade school anymore.**"

"Hey," protested Naruto.

"**And specify how you want to be improved, make the wish.**"

"Oh yeah," said Naruto, getting tired of this. "Well, I just wish..."

"**Yes?**"

"I want to be even more awesome than I am now!" declared Naruto.

"**You think you're awesome in this land of ninja and ninjutsu? Observe.**"

Kakashi saw them all just as Naruto did. One ninja technique after another. Each of which was, as promised, possessed of awesomeness. Though, for some reason, some of the attacks didn't look like ninjutsu at all. Kakashi was just sorry that he wasn't able to use his Sharingan to copy any of them.

"**Ice Release: Thousand Needles. Wind Scar. Storm Release: Laser Circus. Silent Wall. Sage Mode Rasengan. Sage Art: Goemon. Susanoo. Amaterasu. Yata No Kagami. Explosive Shadow Clones. Heaven's Lance. Amatsu-Mikaboshi. Daikokuten. Lava Release: Lava Globs. Bansho Ten'in. Shinra Tensei. Two Tailed Monster Cat Fireball. Menacing Ball. Wood Release. Kirin.**"

"Whoa," said Naruto.

"**There are a lot more. Your claim to be awesome is what, exactly?**"

"Wait... am I going to be fighting people who can do that?" asked Naruto, putting some comments together and finding a result that had him feeling a lot less confident.

"**At least some of them. Yes. And more. The kage of Iwa can use a disintegration technique that would turn you to dust and less than dust in an instant. The person who most wants you dead could simply destroy your mind, leaving your body behind for him to play with at his leisure.**"

THAT got to Naruto as the idea of dying pretty much terrified him, but the idea of something perverted happening to him while he was helpless made him even less happy. Of course, the 'play with at his leisure' wasn't referring to anything at all of that nature - but Toltiir thought the boy's reaction amusing.

Kakashi tried not to vomit inside his mask as his OWN imagination worked through various scenarios, with rather more detail than Naruto could manage.

"**You are not currently awesome, Naruto.**"

"Oh yeah?" said Naruto. "Shadow Clone Jutsu!"

The cat statue looked around at the various Naruto and then back at the original. "**Yeah, so?**"

"Harem jutsu!" declared Naruto, making the hundred or so shadow clones all unclad female versions who then cooed and draped themselves in various suggestive manners around the room.

"**Okay. Your point is?**" asked the wooden statue.

There was a series of pops and bamfs as several clones dispersed. The rest just looked disappointed.

"Okay," said Naruto. "I've got an idea."

Kakashi checked, found he could move, and did so.

"I wish mfff mmmble MRF!" was Naruto's predictable response.

"Let me see if I understand the situation. You're a deity," said Kakashi.

"**Yes**."

"You're a deity who specializes in things like mischief and pranks?" asked Kakashi, wanting to be sure of this.

"**That's correct.**"

"And you're granting Naruto Uzumaki, the hyperactive knuckleheaded most unpredictable ninja of the Leaf Village, a wish in which he could have almost anything he wanted?" asked Kakashi.

**Within certain limits, yes, that's right.**"

"And you're doing this because he's a prophesied child who is to save the ninja world?" asked Kakashi.

"**He is the keystone. He will either become the savior of the ninja world, or he will die before then. If it is the latter of the two, your civilization falls as well.**"

"MF?" asked Naruto, still with his mouth covered by Kakashi.

"How long after his death..." asked Kakashi, considering for the first time the plans he'd heard of some people he'd dismissed as idiots. Ones that wanted the jinchuriki of the ninetails to be thrown into a prison where he'd only come out when needed.

"**It depends on how and where he dies. If Akatsuki captures him, the ninetailed fox will be extracted from him. Due to his Uzumaki stamina, he would survive though just barely. Then one of their number would sever his head and take it to Iwa because he is of the right age and coloration to be the son of the Fourth. You know as well as I do what their tests would reveal.**"

"MRF FRRFF?!"

"I see," said Kakashi.

"**In that case, your ninja civilization would end in three years and seven months. If he dies on your current mission - it will take seven years for your civilization to fall. If Sakura managed to hit his skull just right, causing Naruto to die from the eventual complications, your world might die in screaming agony a mere year later. It all depends on circumstances. If those two on the Council succeeded in locking him away, those hunting him would have him dead within the year.**"

"Sakura? I would have thought Sasuke. Maybe," mused Kakashi, also noting that the deity had just shown either mind-reading skills or was a darn good guesser.

"**If Sasuke kills Naruto after deserting your village to seek more power, then things come to a head in a little less than five years - depending on a few variables dealing with certain traitors to your village.**"

"Sasuke's going to desert the village?" asked Kakashi, his eye staring briefly at the animated statue. _No, surely not. Even if... well maybe._

"**I have an idea.**"

"What's that?" asked Kakashi, a little preoccupied with thoughts of Sasuke and village-traitors. He was sorely tempted to abandon the mission NOW and get this info to the Hokage. Maybe he should send Pakkun.

"**A savior. Someone who can heal, or someone who can create perhaps? Either would be suitable I would think. He wants to have an 'awesome' ability or jutsu.**"

"He froze when facing the Demon Brothers," pointed out Kakashi.

"That was just one time, Kakashi-sensei," protested Naruto as soon as he could pry the hand off his mouth.

"I really expected better, considering your past," said Kakashi.

"**The Kage of Iwa has his Dust Release Jutsu, so something of equal value for one who seeks an equal rank?** mused aloud the deity. "**Something staged perhaps, that is unlocked through further experience.**"

"If you're going to be any kind of savior Naruto, you're going to have to dress better and think about what you're doing," stressed Kakashi.

"I suppose..." allowed Naruto. "I think orange is awesome..."

"Meh, deity-san," said Kakashi, "Mokuton, and some Earth Release techniques create, don't they?"

"**More a transformation of existing mass, but I suppose you have a point,**" allowed the statue.

"**Perhaps an ultimate weapon then,**" mused the statue.

"There's no such thing," said Kakashi. "There's always something bigger or nastier or does more damage."

"**To some extent that is true, however there have been a number of items who have bore that description. Since mortals can rarely agree completely on any subject, it's often best to simply move on rather than waste time in an argument. While I might have infinite time, mortals by their nature do not.**"

"I suppose," said Kakashi, fairly easy-going about such things anyway.

"Uhm, would 'ultimate' mean really cool?" asked Naruto, who was a twelve year old boy after all.

"What he's saying is that 'ultimate weapon' means 'ultimate what weapon," explained Kakashi. "Different people would consider different things to be more important."

"How about an 'ultimate jutsu weapon'?" asked Naruto.

"**Actually, I have an idea about that,**" said the cat statue.

* * *

"A ring?" asked Sakura as they started off the next day. "How is some cheap-looking jewelry an 'ultimate weapon'? Face it, Naruto - it's just some cheap thing that priest had."

"Hnnn," said Sasuke. After all, if there was an ultimate weapon around - it should be HIS. Not belonging to the Academy's dead last and general idiot.

"He said an oath was necessary for it to work," said Naruto, frowning as he looked at it. "What oath?"

Kakashi shrugged. "I wonder. What would it be?"

"I wonder," said Naruto, stopping in the path and then holding the ring up.

"We don't have time for any stupid pranks, Naruto," complained Sakura.

"In fearful day," said Naruto, his voice starting out uncertain but gaining confidence as he went.

Sakura shook her head, glancing towards Sasuke. _What an idiot._

"In raging night," continued Naruto, a glimmer of blue light forming around the ring.

Sasuke's eyes widened as something was actually happening. _It couldn't be..._

"With strong hearts full, our hearts ignite!" continued Naruto, a blue lantern appearing above his ring.

Sakura took in Sasuke's shocked look, the brightening blue light, and looked back towards Naruto.

"When all seems lost in the War Of Light," said Naruto, grinning wildly now as a nimbus of blue sprang up around him.

"You're kidding me," said Sakura as she took in the sight.

"No way," said Sasuke, not wanting to face this possibility.

"Look to the stars! For hope burns bright!" finished Naruto, now surrounded by sparkling blue motes that intensified at his ring. Over the course of several seconds it faded down to normal, but there seemed to be a little extra sparkle to the ring now.

"No freaking way," said Sasuke, noting that Naruto was now wearing an outfit in dark blue with some lighter blue.

Sakura blinked as Naruto was now wearing clothes that made him look better as opposed to an eyesore.

"Will of Fire then?" said Naruto, looking off in the distance. "I see."

"What?" asked Kakashi.

"Power's limited outside Konoha for now," said Naruto as the lantern faded away. "There's still some stuff I can do though."

"Oh, well that's good," said Kakashi. "Now if we can get back to walking?"

* * *

"-so if it's an ultimate weapon, you should let Sasuke have it," explained Sakura reasonably. "You'll just trade it for ramen or lose it."

"But..." said Naruto, looking very unhappy at the prospect.

"Honestly, Naruto, you're always messing things up," stated Sakura.

"Mah, Sakura, you're being especially critical this morning," said Kakashi.

"Afternoon," said Naruto, eyeing the sun's position.

"How long has she been arguing anyway?" asked Kakashi.

"Too long," grumped Tazuna though he kept his voice lowered. "Shrill pink banshee."

"Five hours," said Sasuke, sounding slightly irritated.

"What was that?" asked Sakura false-sweetly to Tazuna.

"It can't be that time of month, you don't have those yet," said Kakashi, deflecting a potential client-bashing.

"Kakashi-sensei!" said a reddening Sakura.

"I thought ninja were supposed to be quiet," muttered Tazuna.

"Hnn," agreed Sasuke.

"You're even less talkative than usual," noted Kakashi. "I don't think I've heard you say four words today."

"Hnn?"

"No, I don't count those," said Kakashi.

"Maybe the one's critical because the other's not talkative?" suggested Tazuna.

"That may be right," admitted Kakashi.

"I've had kids and grandkids," said Tazuna. "Guess kids that are ninja are still kids, eh?"

"True," admitted Kakashi.

"That's not true! Naruto's the only kid here," said Sakura. "It's not a matter of age, it's a matter of maturity."

"My daughter Tsunami went through this stage," said Tazuna.

"Ah, she might grow out of it then," said Kakashi.

"Eh, whatever, I'm going to get a better view of the area," announced Naruto. "Later."

There was a brief blue glow around him as Naruto gently lifted off of the ground, then he was moving a little faster as he passed the trees.

"That... tacky looking thing... let's him fly?" asked Sakura.

"Hn," noted Sasuke.

"No, Sasuke, we cannot go back and try to get more," said Kakashi. "If we can find it on the way back, we can try stopping then."

"But... Sasuke-kun needs that," complained Sakura.

"You think Sasuke needs that?" asked Kakashi.

"N-no," said Sakura, glancing nervously at Sasuke. Needing it would imply that she thought Sasuke was lacking in something. "That isn't it! It's just... Sasuke could put something like that to better use. Naruto will just screw it up."

"Such confidence in your team-mate," said Kakashi.

"It's just experience," said Sakura.

Sasuke shook his head, not even bothering to grunt at this development.

"Hmph," hmphed Tazuna. "If he can do that, you think he could give an old man a lift? I ain't as young as I used to be, you know."

"I'll have to ask," said Kakashi thoughtfully, surprising everyone still on the ground. "We would be able to make much better time."

* * *

_flashback:_

"Hey, isn't Naruto reckless enough?" asked Kakashi. "You go talking about him being some 'savior' and he's going to think he's invincible. More than he already does."

"**Not to worry,**" said the cat. "**He'll forget the bulk of the details quickly. His chakra network will repair, but that just means he'll be more like his father from this point on.**"

"Less forgetful and more able to focus on details?" asked Kakashi.

"**Precisely.**"

"So what does that ring do?" asked Kakashi as he noticed that Naruto had frozen in place. Oh, what HE wouldn't give to be able to stop time like that.

"**It's linked to the Will Of Fire as it is recognized in Konohagakure and similar areas. If it was a straight copy, it would require someone to have a green ring and that's enough of a mess. As it is now, he has limited powers. He can fly no faster than Mach Six, armor himself (the ring will automatically do that in fact), fire off energy bolts, can be used to Inspire others, construct simple objects of blue energy.**"

"Blue energy? Simple objects like what?" asked Kakashi.

"**Limited by his imagination actually. Nothing really much larger than a refrigerator until he gets some practice. Anyway, it also gives some sensory abilities and can be used to tutor him in basic functions and activities.**"

"Basic functions and activities," said Kakashi in a flat voice as he considered the Leaf Village's top prankster being able to form anything his imagination could come up with. Even though he really didn't want to think about it, his own imagination kept going there.

"**Oh yes. He wants to be awesome after all. Chakra control and purification rituals, there are many things a future Hokage needs to master, don't you think?**"

"You may have a point," admitted Kakashi.

* * *

"I rather like that idea," said Tazuna.

"Hmmm?" asked Kakashi.

"Well, I suppose it could be considered training," mused Sakura. "Maybe he should fly more than one person."

* * *

Naruto was flying, surrounded by a blue glow. Due to the visibility factor, he was just above tree-top level. Behind him was a blue copy of a comfy chair he'd once found in the Hokage's office.

Tazuna sat back in the copy of a La-Z-Boy Recliner that had come from a summoning much as the two-way radios had. He reached down to the lever, pulled back, and settled into the soft cushions with a content smile.

"Naruto, slow down," called out Kakashi as Naruto started pulling ahead of them again.

"It's taking a lot of concentration to do this, Kakashi-sensei," complained Naruto.

"We're making good time with you hauling our client," stated Kakashi as soon as Naruto had dropped back down to ground level. "Oh yes. If we're attacked in any way, your job is to protect the client by putting a dome up around him."

"But..." Naruto protested.

"No buts," stated Kakashi. "This mission is to protect the client, NOT to fight enemy ninja. Sakura and Sasuke can handle the fights that might come, though if I order you to - I want all three of you inside the protective dome with the client. We don't know how powerful your constructs are though - so if threatened you can fly the client to safety."

Naruto, predictably, started pouting about his chance to be awesome being derailed.

* * *

Things were supposed to happen normally. The details had been planned in advance after all, as soon as word of Tazuna leaving in order to "acquire supplies" had been learned of. Tazuna had only scraped together enough money for a minor genin team, if that much.

So the only one to really have to watch out for was their jonin. The genin would be either new brats fresh from their ninja school, or they'd be no-talent older types that couldn't pass the chunin exam. Well, they MIGHT be the sort that just had no drive or ambition to go after the higher rank and higher chance of dying in a suitably violent manner.

Zabuza was quite familiar with how that sort of thing worked out. When he was younger, his response would have been something along the line of: wake up late, get breakfast, kill everyone from ambush using silent killing techniques, have a light lunch, get paid, leave for the next job.

Nowadays though, he'd usually leave the little kids alive. With any luck, he'd scare them enough that his reputation would grow - and with that came extra job leads. There was always someone who wanted someone else dead, and if they had the money - he was certainly willing to take the work. Reputation meant everything in this business. After all, a missing-nin hunted by his former village couldn't exactly put out an ad.

So Zabuza Momochi waited for Haku to give notice that the group from that rainbow-and-unicorn happy-ninja crowd over in Konohagakure was around.

In the meantime, he had tea.

One must have priorities after all. He was a murdering mercenary, a bloodthirsty monster, a tool to live and die on the battlefield. It didn't mean that he couldn't be civilized, particularly on his off-hours. In fact, he'd discovered that being TOO overwhelmingly scary for clients to handle tended to put them off. So he'd cultivated a "civilized in my off hours" facade to use, and discovered he actually liked a hot cuppa.

So Zabuza got out a few little snacks, poured hot water into the infuser, and prepared to have his morning tea. And if anyone interrupted it, they would die a horrible and violent death.

Reputation was important after all.

* * *

"We made good time," said Kakashi. "Naruto? Why are you so distracted?"

"Eh?" asked Naruto. "Oh, sorry Kakashi-sensei. Ring-san has this function..."

"Function?" asked Sasuke.

"It knows a lotta stuff," said Naruto. "For example it was telling me that my chakra affinity is wind, so it's easier for me to fly and do stuff like that. Ring-san is also telling me stuff like the temperature of the water, what's in it, air temperature, wind speed, humidity..."

"Ah, useless information," noted Sasuke.

"How the nearest boat has four mercenaries armed with swords, apparently on 'picket duty' or something. What's 'picket duty'?" asked Naruto.

"It means that they're guards posted to an area where they will intercept anyone trying to pass them," said Kakashi. "Where?"

Naruto concentrated and a blue glow from the ring formed a cloud in the air that quickly became an area map. Blinking dots formed at haphazard intervals.

Kakashi blinked. "That is... kind of handy."

Sasuke's eyes swiveled from the display to Kakashi at that understatement.

"Ring-san says that if someone is using a stealth-jutsu, it'd have to be a lot closer to detect 'em. These guys are just hiding in the fog though and can be spotted really far away," said Naruto. "Can I learn a stealth-jutsu, Kakashi-sensei?"

Sakura snorted, visibly realized something, then clenched her hands in a pleading gesture as she directed a puppy-eyed look towards her jonin. "Please Kakashi-sensei! Can you teach him a 'go away' or 'keep quiet' jutsu?"

Sasuke smirked.

"We'll see," said Kakashi, studying the map. "Where are we?"

Another glowing dot formed, pulsing a little faster than the others.

"There's a boat to take us into Wave itself," said Tazuna, studying the map and then pointing. "It will be there."

"Good," said Kakashi. "Naruto, there will likely be enemy ninja trying to observe us. Let's keep your ring's abilities a secret for now."

Naruto, predictably, pouted.

* * *

Zabuza stuck his head up slightly, smirking under his mask as he finished getting into position. Tazuna would arrive and have to head along one of three paths to reach his home.

If one knew where the target would go, it was a simple matter to set up an ambush. When the target was in range, killing that target was usually a pretty simple matter. The presence of samurai (not just the mercenary sword-wielder type but the ones like the Land Of Iron had) or ninja complicated that.

Ah, here they came. A jonin-sensei and three kids, plus the bridge-builder. Now, which approach to go for?

Dramatic Entry or Sudden Death Overture? Hmmm. Oh, why not?

As expected, when he began his move the jonin detected it and was warning the children to duck. Now just stick the sword into the tree in order to be looking down upon his prey, dramatic monologue ready to go. Scare the kiddies and enhance his reputation.

"Well, well, well, look at what we have here. Three little birds and a mama bird," chuckled Zabuza, raising his emitted Killing Intent to 3.

Hmmm. One of the kids looked ready to bolt already. Then there was one kid who had a kunai in each hand, ready to fight. Finally there was a third kid who was standing next to the bridge builder and had put a blue dome up around them? Interesting, some sort of barrier jutsu? Well, deal with that when necessary.

"Kakashi Hatake," said Zabuza, recognizing the jonin. "The fabled Copycat Nin, alias Sharingan Kakashi. Master of a thousand jutsu. I've read your entry in my Bingo Book."

"Zabuza Momochi of the Bloody Mist, master of silent killing techniques," said Kakashi. "Here for Tazuna, I take it."

"Oh yes," said Zabuza. "A job's a job."

"That's a BIG sword," noted the kunai-wielder.

"The Decapitating Carving Knife, Kubikiribocho," said Zabuza. "Why not just let the bridge-builder die? I'm sure you weren't paid enough to face me and you can get these little kids back without a scratch."

"I'm afraid we can't do that," said Kakashi.

"Why are we even talking to this guy?" asked Naruto.

"It's part of a standard ninja battle," explained Kakashi. "The protocol was developed during the First Ninja War. When individual combat is about to begin, there are introductions and often a Dramatic Entry."

"They don't even know THAT much?" asked Zabuza. "They really ARE fresh meat."

"Well, the Demon Brothers just went for Sudden Death Overture instead of observing the forms," said Kakashi with a slight shrug.

"Against you? They wouldn't have lasted long," noted Zabuza. "What's the blue glow? One of your genin has a bloodline ability?"

"Something like that," admitted Kakashi.

"Well, shall we get to it?" asked Zabuza.

"You've got a bit of mustard there by your mouth," pointed out Kakashi.

"Oh?" asked Zabuza, dabbing at the bandages around his mouth.

"That's got it," confirmed Kakashi.

"Whatever the case," said Zabuza as his water clone did a sudden reveal. "I expected more from you. DIE!"

_Piff_ went the shadow clone as Zabuza's water clone bisected it.

"Wha..." said Zabuza.

"So sorry," said one of the genin. _Poof!_

"We aren't really here," said the black-haired youth, sticking out his tongue briefly. "Believe it!" _PAFF!_

"You're kidding me..." said Zabuza, addressing the remaining genin and the client.

"Don't hate me because I'm awesome," said the client with a shrug and grin. "Hate me because I'm PAID to be awesome!"_PUFF!_

"In case you were wondering," said the pink-haired kunoichi with a grin so wide it was a wonder her face didn't split in half. "Kakashi was played by himself, and everyone else was me. Something about how a REAL ninja goes around obstacles to accomplish his mission or something. Bye bye!" _PRAAP!_

Zabuza blinked. "Did you just..."

"Hang on, I'm having a little trouble dispelling myse-" began the pinkette just before a blade cut her in half and she dissipated in smoke.

"...They PLAYED me," realized Zabuza. "They must have a Sensor type with them. Oh, this game is going to get interesting."

He'd have to target the pinkette first, to take out those annoying shadow clones. The game had gotten interesting.

* * *

"But how can Sasuke show off how awesome he is if we AVOID all the dangers?" asked Sakura.

"Hnn," agreed Sasuke. Well, maybe agreed. Sometimes it was hard to tell.

"The mission is not 'show off awesome skills' it's 'protect the client'," pointed out Kakashi. "Avoiding danger IS protecting the client. Honestly, I think Naruto's rubbing off on you."

"ICK!" reacted Sakura.

Naruto pouted and went brooding with a grunt to indicate his displeasure.

"...and Sasuke's rubbing off on Naruto," quietly observed Kakashi, wondering if that was an improvement or not.

Naruto responded by glaring, then staggering with a surprised look.

"Hmmm. So it was Zabuza Momochi," noted Kakashi. "This has become a dangerous mission after all."

"Yeah... how do I know that?" asked Naruto.

"Naruto, a shadow clone is not a simple illusion," said Kakashi. "Everything the shadow clone experiences feeds back to the originator of the technique."

There was a brief glimmer around the blue ring on Naruto's finger.

Naruto's eyes widened. "So... I can learn stuff faster by using shadow clones?! THAT'S AWESOME!"

_BONK!_ went Sakura's fist to Naruto's skull.

"Thank you for politely reminding Naruto that we're trying to be stealthy here," said Kakashi.

"No problem, sensei," said Sakura, missing any sarcasm involved.

"I'll have to do something about this," griped Kakashi. "Zabuza's specialty is Silent Killing. By the time you know he's attacking - it's too late."

"So then why did he do the whole dramatic entrance thing?" asked Naruto.

"That's... that's actually a good question," admitted Kakashi.

Sakura lowered her fist, having been ready to admonish Naruto.

"Probably wanted to scare you enough that you'll spread rumors about what a scary bad ninja he is," said Kakashi with a shrug. "He needs some way to advertise for clients."

"Uh oh," said Naruto, displaying a map again via Power Ring. "Ring-san says that someone's heading for that house ahead of us at very high speed."

* * *

Zabuza Momochi appeared for just a heartbeat before his blade slashed down through the bridgebuilder, bisecting him.

_Pop!_ went a blue set of sparks like a little firework as Tazuna dissolved.

Zabuza Momochi, Demon Of The Mist, stood there for a moment covering his face with one hand. He groaned. He said a very very bad word.

"Oooh, what language," said the pink-haired kunoichi. "I gotta use that sometime."

Zabuza looked at the three genin, the jonin, and their packs of equipment. He decided to address the pinkette. "What is it with you and the shadow clones anyway?"

"Well, it's just about the only technique I know," admitted the kunoichi. "Handy though, ain't it?"

Zabuza sighed and looked towards the Kakashi leaning against a tree and taking a little orange book out to read it, apparently unconcerned with the assassin confronting them. "Oddly enough, I feel some pity for you Sharingan Kakashi. I have no doubt that this genin is more than a handful."

"Truer words were never spoken," admitted Kakashi.

"Hey!" protested pinkette as the two other genin poofed out of existence.

"I'm... not going to bother," said Zabuza. "I get the oddest feeling that every time I attack, it's going to just be another clone."

"Well, yes, I can see where you'd see that," admitted Kakashi.

"So I'll simply wait, your genin will exhaust herself maintaining shadow clones, and I'll be back to deal with you at MY leisure," said Zabuza, making a one-handed seal and disappearing in a sudden wind.

"Hmph," said Kakashi after a few moments. "He's gone."

A trashcan, a shrub, and a wall turned back into three genin. Tazuna uncurled slowly from where he'd been concealed and looked around shakily.

"Okay, let's get you back into your home," said Kakashi cheerfully.

* * *

_SLASH!_

Tazuna's head separated from his body before both dissolved into blue sparkles.

"That must be a really sharp sword, but I'm wondering, what are the holes for?"

Zabuza turned and demonstrated on the blonde who had spoken. Who disappeared in a puff of smoke.

"Oh," said the pinkette. "Isn't it easier just to use the NORMAL edge?"

"Sometimes the easiest way isn't the BEST way," said Zabuza, casually throwing knives through the Kakashi-clone and the dark-haired-genin-clone who disappeared in mid-butt-scratch.

"I suppose," said the pinkette, who then brightened. "Hey, did you hear the one about the duck and the three cats?"

_SLASH!_

Zabuza paused as the pinkette dissolved into blue sparkles. "No, what about... damn. I keep forgetting it's ask questions FIRST, then kill. I just get too eager. I guess."

* * *

_SLASH!_

"Can't you learn any FUNNY jokes?" demanded Zabuza. Then realized he'd already dispelled the pink-haired twit and would have to wait until finding the next one to demand better quality material. "How much chakra does that damn girl have anyway?!"

* * *

"Stop me if you've heard this one," said the blonde kid.

_SLASH!_

"Aw, you're no fun," complained the black-haired kid.

_SLASH!_

"No sense of humor, huh?" said the pinkette. "Well, I'll have to try harder then."

_STAB!_

"That kid is REALLY getting on my nerves," said Zabuza.

* * *

"-and so the jonin said 'that wasn't my wife'!" said the pinkette, sitting on a tree branch and ignoring the way the assassin had raised his sword up over his head.

"..."

"Hm?" asked the pinkette.

"I don't get it," confessed Zabuza.

"Maybe I'm telling it wrong," said the pinkette, who then dissolved into blue sparkles before he could cut her head off.

* * *

"Za-Zabuza-sama?" asked Haku as his master returned.

Zabuza stopped and considered his words. "Right now, I would kill that little pink-haired girl with glee. Still, I have to admit I'm a little impressed that she can make so MANY shadow clones. That she can combine them with transformation to look like members of her team. Including some idiot blonde and an obnoxious black-haired kid who picks his nose. That and they laid traps EVERYWHERE around that house. Yeah, she's definitely got some talent for a one-trick pony."

"I... see," said Haku. "She's skilled?"

"I've never seen a genin that could throw out that many shadow clones, that often, and have enough chakra left over to put a henge over them," admitted Zabuza. "Though something odd with some of the shadow clones. More and more of them last for more than a single hit - and these dissolve in blue sparkly stuff when they dispel."

"So, not only is she competent at the technique, she has found a way to improve it," said Haku thoughtfully.

"Yeah, a genius and an idiot at once," said Zabuza. "Cracking lame jokes all the time I'm killing them. I mean really bad jokes. I mean jokes so bad they might qualify as E-Rank techniques. If she's that annoying outside of combat, her team may thank me when I finally finish her off."

"I see," said Haku.

"I'm going to get some sleep," said Zabuza. "The real ones will have to show up at the bridge sooner or later."

Haku considered the closing door to Zabuza's room before deciding on a course of action.

* * *

Haku was just another civilian mixing with the crowd. Nothing unusual here, nope. No killing intent, clothes that were shabby but serviceable, minimal weapons.

The house where Tazuna and the ninja were reportedly staying had the three genin ninja sitting at various approaches. Haku chose a path of walking that would take him past each of them, in turn, with a period of time in between those passages. Just part of a crowd.

The blonde one was reading 'Fuuinjutsu Basics.' The black-haired boy was reading a field guide for herbs and wild plants. The pink one, that he knew from Zabuza's description was the shadow clone user, was practicing throwing her kunai.

He caught a glimpse of her green eyes studying him briefly, but she didn't say anything or act particularly suspicious.

Were they real or shadow clones?

When ANOTHER set of the three genin were visible at the market, Haku looked carefully for any differences but couldn't find any. Then there was another set arguing with two different copies of the bridgebuilder.

Yes, Haku could begin to see why Zabuza was so frustrated.

* * *

"Huh," said Naruto. At first it had just been the way things had turned out. His Sakura clone had been the last one dismissed. Or rather his shadow clone of himself henge'ed to look like Sakura. When he'd noticed that Zabuza had seemed to attack Sakura last, he'd automatically begun favoring the Sakura-clone in the group. When Zabuza had started talking more to the Sakura-clone than any of the others, that had just caused Naruto to put even more emphasis on the Sakura-clones in each group.

Of course, no effort should be spared for getting even with his rival, so having Sasuke-clone pick his nose or scratch his butt or do other things like that - well, it had to be done, didn't it?

"'Huh' what?" asked Sakura as Naruto made another batch of clones and they transformed themselves into another ersatz Team 7 and left the house.

"Shadow clones normally dispel after one hit," said Naruto. "Except the ones I been making I've used Ring-san to reinforce. It seems to work. If they just scratch themselves on a thorn or step on a tack or something, they stick around still. One of 'em just got hit with some needles of some kind, but couldn't find who hit him before getting dispelled."

"They've figured out you're flooding the area with shadow clones and they're trying to figure out if the real one's in there," said Sakura as she considered that. "Because you're using that toy that Sasuke really should have instead of you, they can't immediately tell which one is which."

"Shadow clones are SO cool," said a grinning Naruto.

"Where's Kakashi-sensei anyway?" asked Sakura.

"He's tracking down that Zabuza guy," said Naruto. "Why?"

Sakura and Sasuke exchanged a look. Finally, Sakura went ahead and asked. "And how do you know this?"

"Well, when I started thinking about using shadow clones to disguise myself as everyone - I thought why stop there?" said Naruto. "So I made a shadow clone that turned into a bird. Since I'm reinforcing them with Ring-san, I can tell where my clones are."

"You can't make a shadow clone that flies," Sakura informed Naruto matter of factly.

Sasuke raised an eyebrow at Sakura.

"Eh?" asked Naruto. "I can't?"

"He did," said Sasuke.

"That's impossible," said Sakura, who tried to come to terms with SASUKE telling her something that was blatantly impossible.

"He did it," said Sasuke. "I was watching when Kakashi left. The duplicate of me in the yard turned into a hawk and flew after Kakashi-sensei."

"So I can do it," said Naruto, losing the confused look. "Okay."

* * *

_Morning:_  
"Naruto's still sleeping?" Sakura blinked a couple of times, then got a positively evil expression on her face.

Kakashi and Sasuke glanced at each other across the table.

"You don't suppose..." began Sasuke.

"She's going to try and steal the ring? Oh, I'm certain of it," said Kakashi.

_Fzaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap!_ "AIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"So why is Naruto sleeping late?" asked Sasuke, not bothering to ask why Kakashi was letting him.

"One more try!" said Sakura from Naruto's room. _Ka-WHAM!_

"I'm glad his anti-theft protocols include nonlethal methods," said Kakashi with a glance in the direction of where Naruto was sleeping.

The door flew open, followed by Sakura running out with a glowing blue mallet adorned with lettering that read "5 tons" that was not only following her but taking frequent swings at her.

"Hnn," said Sasuke, accepting a cup of tea from Inari's mother as the chase scene continued through the kitchen.

"As to your question, you know the phrase 'he could do that in his sleep'?" asked Kakashi.

Sasuke nodded.

"Well, Naruto's gotten to that point," said Kakashi. "He finally stopped making shadow clones around 3am."

"You suppose the enemy nin just got tired of killing them?" asked Sasuke.

"Something like that," admitted Kakashi.

"So you didn't find the enemy ninja yesterday?" asked Sasuke.

"Oh, I did," said Kakashi. "He was having such fun killing Naruto's shadow clones that I almost felt guilty about interrupting. He brought Sakura's chopped-off head back to his hideout and was bragging to someone about how he'd finally gotten the real one."

Sasuke raised an eyebrow and looked back at where the hammer was still chasing Sakura around a coffeetable. "Do tell."

"At which point Sakura's head began singing 'Deadman's Party' - and doing a pretty good job of the song until Zabuza started having a nervous breakdown," said Kakashi.

Sasuke put down his empty cup. "Really?"

"I've never seen an S-Class Missing Nin go into a literally frothing murderous rage and then just collapse and start crying before," admitted Kakashi. "It was quite disturbing."

Sakura collapsed on the floor, wheezing and panting. The hammer seemed to consider pounding her for a moment, then simply dissipated.

"So what did you do?" asked Sasuke.

"I couldn't resist, I appeared, told him that I'd already run into Gato. He made the mistake of ordering his men to kill me." Kakashi shrugged. "Once Zabuza found out that his boss was dead, he just started twitching a lot."

"I see," said Sasuke.

"More tea anyone?" asked Tsunami.

"So, basically, Naruto's reputation as the number one unpredictable annoying ninja of the Leaf continues," said Kakashi.

"Hn," agreed Sasuke.

"B-b-but you can't beat Gato," said Inari, who'd been quietly freaking out while watching all those copies of the same ninja go running around. "He's too strong."

"No, he just had some low level mercenaries for the most part," corrected Kakashi. "Gato himself wasn't much of anything. I would have left him alone, but he attacked me and that really isn't a good policy to encourage."

"Bu-wha?" asked Inari as he tried to wrap his worldview around this information.

"Oh, and I saw a 'Waffle Haus' nearby," said Kakashi. "After I start you on training, I may have to swing by there. I haven't had waffles in years."

* * *

Haku handed off the photographs.

Zabuza flipped through them, finally deciding on one. "This one."

Haku nodded.

"Sakura Haruno. Excessive amounts of chakra, uses a ridiculous number of shadow clones combined with other forces. Possibly a kekkei genkai," said Haku as he wrote the note to accompany the picture. "Genin of Konoha, studying under Kakashi Hatake. Sadistic but prefers psychological torture tactics."

Zabuza nodded, took the note and picture, and put them in a stamped envelope that he'd already prepared. "Now we just send it off and she'll be in the bingo books."

"She looks so clueless but is clearly quite dangerous," said Haku. "If she is this troublesome at genin level, what will she be like when she's older?"

"Not our problem," said Zabuza. "Though the blue sparkles might be a reinforcement from the boy who is studying seal-jutsu. Not enough information, and it's obvious the girl is the real problem."

"I understand, Zabuza-sama," said Haku. "What next?"

"We finish looting Gato's place," said Zabuza. "Got to get paid somehow. Idiot ordered his men to kill a jonin. Hell, he deserves to have his ill-gotten booty looted."

* * *

"Tree climbing?" asked Naruto.

"It's not only a useful skill but it teaches chakra control and maintenance," said Kakashi.

"I can fly, Kakashi-sensei," pointed out Naruto.

"Yes, but you can certainly use the training in chakra control and maintenance," countered Kakashi.

"Ring-san agrees with you," said Naruto, beginning to pout.

"Naruto's ring is smarter than he is," noted Sasuke.

"You say that like that would be difficult," said Sakura, still mad at Naruto because his ring had tried to kill her just because she was trying to get it off his hand. Hardly fair, as she knew Sasuke could put it to much better use. Not that he NEEDED some junk.

"Ne ne," said Kakashi, demonstrating the tree climbing skill. "You can work on this while I check out that Waffle Haus."

"What's a 'waffle' anyway?" asked Naruto.

"It's sort of a grilled flatbread that is topped with a number of substances," said Kakashi. "In the Country of Snow, it is a holy food developed and handed down through the ages as a sacrament to one of their local deities. It is believed to repel zombies, ghosts, and vampires."

"Really?!" asked Naruto, now even more curious.

"Oh yes," said Kakashi, not revealing how much was exaggeration or outright BS - easier when most of his face was covered to the extent it normally was. "I'm not fond of the sweet toppings like syrup, but there are one or two semi-traditional toppings that make for a nice change of pace in the diet."

"Holy flatbread?" asked Sakura.

"Don't make fun of waffles, Sakura," advised Kakashi. "Compared to some of the other religious observances out there - this one is both harmless and nourishing. It's much better than, for example, death cultists who want rip your heart out and eat it in front of you while you're strapped to an altar. Those can be quite the pain."

* * *

After that description, it didn't take long before three young genin found the place.

"'Der Waffle Haus'," read Naruto, blinking. Then he turned his attention to the store itself, which wasn't that dissimilar from Ichiraku's in its shape or layout.

"Sorry guys, I don't have the ingredients for the fancy stuff," said the proprietor.

"Oh-" trailed off a disappointed Naruto, pointing at an illustration. "I wanted to try that."

"I can make basic waffles, but with the way things have been lately, I can't even get blueberries around here," said the proprietor. "I've been mostly reduced to selling tea and ricebowls. Not like anyone's got any money."

"What kind of ingredients do you need?" asked Sakura.

"Well, if I could get them - blueberries would be a good seller," said the proprietor. "The one your friend here was pointing at would have required whipped cream and peaches - and that's just not going to happen. At least blueberries you can get two islands over."

"Naruto," said Sakura.

"Eh?" asked Naruto.

"How fast can you fly?" asked Sakura.

"Hn?" indicated Sasuke.

"Well, I want to try one too," admitted Sakura.

"Eh?" asked the proprietor.

Sasuke looked at the illustrations, momentarily looked thoughtful, then nodded at Sakura.

"Okay, where can he find blueberries on this other island?" asked Sakura.

* * *

Kakashi stopped looking for his genin as he sniffed the air. THAT was the smell he'd smelled once or twice back in the Land Of Snow. The Waffle Haus must be open, but when he'd stopped there earlier - the owner had complained about the lack of supplies.

When he got there and spotted the three genin, it wasn't a great stretch of the imagination to figure out what had happened.

Kakashi briefly considered chastising the group. After all, this was a mission they were on and they should be focussed on that and their training.

Well, maybe it was okay anyway. He could turn into a lesson on the Country of Snow and its customs.

Not that there was any reason they'd ever go there.

* * *

Time passed. A bridge was built. Techniques practiced. Goodbyes were made.

"You know I could have gotten us all back a lot faster," said Naruto as the walls of Konoha came into view.

"I've already explained that," said Kakashi. "Flashing your secret technique around means everyone will know about it."

"But, Kakashi-sensei, how am I going to get better at it without practicing?" asked Naruto.

"Stop whining, Naruto, we're almost there," said Sakura, ready to smack him. "Sleeping in my own bed. Hot showers."

"Well, at least Tsunami will be able to afford hot water without us around using so much of it," said Kakashi.

* * *

"So," said Naruto, settling onto the roof of his building. "I'm not supposed to do anything where anyone can see. So this should be safe, right?"

_Negative._

"Huh? I don't see anyone," said Naruto aloud, looking all around him. "You mean someone's watching?"

_Three individuals._

"Where?" asked Naruto.

A section of the roof glowed and formed a blue map. Dots began blinking.

"Who the heck would be watching me?!" asked Naruto.

_Ninja._

Naruto made a face. He really wanted to practice. On the other hand, Kakashi-sensei HAD given him an order.

_Two remain._

"One of 'em left?" asked Naruto.

_Affirmative._

"Can you tell who they are?" asked Naruto, still a little puzzled. And frustrated.

_One has high chakra levels and is under a cloaking effect. The other is of considerably lower chakra development and is using mundane concealment and a special sensory ability to observe. The high chakra level one is at 731 meter range. The other is at 20 meter range. Analysis indicates the first is ANBU. Second is genin._

"ANBU is those guys with the masks, right? I think they keep tabs on everyone," said Naruto, puzzling that out. "Can you do a stealthy kinda thing?"

* * *

"Wha?" gasped Hinata. She had heard that Naruto had returned to the village. She'd just wanted to check up on him. Something odd had been going on though.

Now Naruto had just vanished right before her eyes. What did this mean? Had it been one of his shadow clones? Was it some new jutsu he'd learned on his mission?

"Oh, hey, Hinata isn't it?"

"EEEEEEEEEK!"

_CLONK!_

"Whoa," said Naruto as the girl in question leapt up, hit her head on a section of air conditioning vent, and went back down. "That looked like it hurt."

Blue light briefly played over the girl.

"Fainted?" asked Naruto. "Huh. Well, let's get her comfie."

* * *

Hinata slowly stretched, then rubbed her aching head.

There was a moment where she didn't know where she was, and then memories caught up with her.

She was able to identify where she was pretty quickly. She was in Naruto's apartment. On his bed.

The last thing she heard was Naruto's voice asking. "Did she just faint again?"

* * *

"She is so weird," said Naruto.

[Beginning full medical diagnostic.  
Analyzing.]

As images began appearing and rotating in mid-air, all in soft pastel blue, Naruto summed things up. "I don't understand any of this. What's... this one?"

A pulse slightly increased the brightness of one particular rotating image.

[Limbic system.]

"...can you say that in terms I can understand?"

[Language: simple. These are the parts of the brain involved with emotions, basic motivations, survival instinct, sex, and memory access. The sections highlighted show signs of overstimulation. Which means basically those sections are getting overloaded. Similar to what occurs when you channel too much chakra into your feet while tree-climbing.]

"Oh!" said Naruto, remembering that training and now studying the image with a bit more understanding. "Not gonna blow up like those trees, is she?"

[No. Suggest overcoming difficulty by means similar to overcoming allergies. Analysis indicates that presence of Naruto behaving in a friendly manner is cause. Treatment would require continuing such behavior in order to overcome problem.]

Naruto scratched his head, thinking that maybe he needed to request the language go something easier than 'simple' because that was still a bit difficult to wrap his head around. "So... it's kinda like she's allergic to me?"

[This is not completely correct, yet not completely incorrect either.]

"And in order for her to get better, I got to hang around her and talk nice to her?" asked Naruto, still thinking this sounded really weird but then Hinata WAS weird so that made sense didn't it?

[Essentially correct.]

"Oh. Okay," said Naruto. Friendly came natural to him. He could do that much. "So I should go get her some ramen for when she wakes up!"

[Ramen is not the answer to everything.]

"Shadow clone jutsu!"

* * *

Hinata woke up, realized immediately she was STILL on Naruto's bed.

She also realized there were three Naruto in the apartment with her.

"Okay, so she's only out for about a minute when she's doing that eye-flicker thingie," said one of the Naruto.

Hinata wondered what THAT meant.

"I don't understand half of that," said the same Naruto, scratching his head.

Hinata slowly got up to a sitting position. There was Naruto, making cup ramen at the stove. There was Naruto, sitting against a wall and staring at a blue ring. There was Naruto, trying to clean his apartment by overstuffing a closet.

"Shadow clones?" asked Hinata.

"Yeah, shadow clones are awesome!" said the Naruto at the stove.

"I have to be returning home," said Hinata, getting off the bed and bowing in apology. "I'm so sorry for disturbing you."

"Come by anytime!" said the Naruto on the floor.

"Just give a little warning," said the trying-to-clean Naruto, putting his back against the closet door and then straining to get it closed.

"I'll tell you all about my awesome mission!" promised the Naruto at the stove.

"Hmph," said Hinata with a nod before hurrying off. She'd think about it later. Right now she had to hurry before anyone in her family missed her.

* * *

"So, Naruto, I understand you've come across something interesting?" asked the Hokage, slipping into the role of grandfatherly advisor. It was actually one of his preferred roles, and it was a perfectly real one. That didn't mean he couldn't slip the persona off and on as easily as he could change hats, but that he did have a certain sincerity when projecting that role. If the situation merited it, he could swap out for that of the veteran of countless ninja battles who'd kill or torture for a 1% better chance of his village surviving another day. Which was just as genuine a role actually.

"It's a Power Ring, jiji," said Naruto proudly.

"Ah," said the Hokage. "And you know what it can do?"

"Right!" agreed Naruto.

"I'm going to have someone investigate your seal," said the Hokage. "Just in case. It's unfortunate that he's late."

"Kakashi-sensei?" asked Naruto, putting late and his sensei together due to experience in that regard.

"No, there's a seal expert named Jiraiya. One of the three Legendary Sannin of the village." The Hokage glanced at the window where someone had still not appeared. "Who usually is at least a little more punctual than this."

"Oh," said Naruto, not understanding this but going along with it for now.

"So what exactly can you do with it?" asked the Hokage.

"Ring?" asked Naruto.

"[Current Abilities are limited by level of genin Naruto Uzumaki and dependence on Will of Fire]"

"Interesting," said the Hokage as the Power Ring spoke in a not-quite-human voice. "Will of Fire?"

* * *

Naruto had a freaky ring that gave him power.

Honestly, he didn't like the idea of relying on something other than oneself - but wouldn't he have been a better choice? Wouldn't he have made better use of it?

Sasuke paused in the act of throwing a shuriken. _Unless that's the point. Could it be that he got that __because__ he wouldn't be able to exploit its abilities to the fullest?_

Sasuke held that pose for a moment before snorting and continuing his practice. _No. If power is not meant to be used, then what is the point?_

* * *

"So," said the Hokage, looking VERY thoughtful. "This Power Ring can manage your chakra, boosting your control enough to perform certain techniques."

"Yup!" Naruto grinned. "I managed my first Clone, not just Shadow Clone."

"That's very good," admitted the Hokage, thinking of the possibilities just that one function added to his genin's future. When combined with the other functions, it was truly something to keep an eye on. "Now, Naruto - remember to keep the abilities of your Ring secret from other villages unless it really becomes necessary."

"Damn, you and Kakashi-sensei really want to take the fun out of it," moped Naruto.

"Just think how much fun it would be to unleash it as a surprise when you do need it," pointed out the Hokage.

"True," admitted Naruto.

"Now, can I hear this oath you apparently use to recharge your ring?" asked the Hokage.

* * *

Hinata wasn't sure WHAT was going on.

She flexed out of the way of her sister's palmstrike, one hand darting in and out.

"Stop."

Both Hinata and Hanabi stopped at the barked order from their father.

"Hinata? Why are there sparks of bright blue in your chakra pathways?"

"Err, ah, uhm," fidgeted Hinata. "I don't know?"

Her father's Byakugan was running as he looked and analyzed. _What is this? These flecks are located at major chakra switches and paths in her network. The flow... what is it about the flow? They are - regulators? I see._ "Who have you recently come into contact with?"

"Uhm, that is," fidgeted Hinata as her father's presence loomed all the stronger.

Ko shifted, hesitating before speaking up. "Your pardon, Lord Hiashi, but recently Lady Hinata was in the presence of... That Boy."

"Oh?" asked Hiashi.

"I was able to determine that since returning from Wave, he has developed some chakra sensing ability as he was able to determine my presence. At that point I ceased observation through the Byakugan to determine what course I should take. Instead I observed an ANBU I'd detected earlier, who was also observing events. About an hour later, That Child was summoned to the Hokage's presence."

"Which ANBU?" asked Hiashi.

"Falcon," answered Ko.

"Ah," said Hiashi, nodding. "I know of Falcon. She is trustworthy, in her own manner." Which meant, among other things, that details would not be forthcoming without order of the Hokage.

"Yes, Yurika's sister," said Ko.

Hiashi noted the Branch member's slightly wistful tone, remembering that Ko had briefly had a relationship with the kunoichi from the Cryptology Department. Not that it had any bearing here - the chance of being able to use that prior relationship to get details was not zero but so small as to be meaningless. "Hinata, Hanabi, continue to practice. I shall visit the Hokage on this."

Hinata had improved due to these things, but performing such things on a clan member without permission from the clan head was not to be tolerated.

* * *

"Ah," said the Hokage as Hiashi finished his case. "Just a moment while I activate Level Five Privacy Seals."

Hiashi Hyuga raised an eyebrow. Level Three would block a Byakugan and provide subtle distortions that even a Sharingan trying to lip-read through the window wouldn't be able to get anything useful. Level Five would have to involve Class-S Secrets where even he, clan head of the Hyuga and established jonin, could be killed for revealing them.

"Just a moment," said Hiashi, making a complicated gesture that involved no chakra. At the inquiring glance from the Hokage, he explained. "In case any of my clan are watching, that was an 'all clear and cease observation' signal."

"Ah, good," said the Hokage, who unfurled a scroll and then activated it.

Hiashi could actually feel the amount of chakra rolling out to encompass the room. No need for the Byakugan to determine it when it made the small hairs on the back of your neck stir.

"What do you know for certain of Naruto Uzumaki?" asked the Hokage.

* * *

Hiashi Hyuga frowned at the Hokage's question. "What do I know of the boy? Those are S-Class secrets by your own order."

"Yes, which is why there is a privacy seal of this level involved," pointed out Hiruzen Sarutobi. "Nothing said here will count for such purposes. I ask rather than spend a lot of time speaking of things you already know."

"I performed a few missions alongside Minato Namikaze when we were both younger, and I served a few missions with the Red Hot Habanero as well," said Hiashi. "I know that the boy is their son. I know that the Kyubi is sealed within him. I know he's often annoying, clueless, and lacks restraint."

"Did you know about the Toad Prophesy?" asked the Hokage, opening one of the drawers of his desk.

"I believe Jiraiya of the Sannin mentioned that once while we shared a few dishes of sake one night, saluting fallen comrades," said Hiashi slowly. "Are you saying THAT boy?"

"It seems likely from a conversation I had," said the Hokage, pulling an odd crystalline disc out of that drawer and laying it flat on the table.

Hiashi paused, then raised an eyebrow in silent question. The Hokage nodded slightly, after all the privacy seal would just disrupt attempts from the outside to perceive what was inside it.

Hiashi silently activated his Byakugan, then peered at the curious thing. A crystalline disc with many imperfections, six inches across with a single hole in the center. There was no deviation from a perfect circle on either the shape or the hole. It was when he looked closer at the imperfections that his eyes widened.

Fuuinjutsu of a type he'd never seen before. A literal maze of it, wending itself through the material extending in ways that made even his eyes begin to hurt.

"What is that?" asked Hiashi.

"An elder god, or something claiming to be an elder god, dropped this off," said Hiruzen, taking a deep drag of his pipe. "It made me a deal, the details of which I shall not expand upon. Save for this, which gives me information that I was just able to confirm with Naruto upon Team 7's return to the village."

"How does this explain that which was done to Hinata?" asked Hiashi, bringing the conversation back to the original purpose for consulting with the Hokage.

"Index," said Hiruzen.

A glow appeared over the center of the disc, reshaping itself to the form of a woman.

"Index," said the six-inch tall woman in odd raiment. "Default helper form Cortana."

"Search for," said Hiruzen, pausing for a moment before nodding. "Chakra regulation in others."

"Found. Defeated or helpless opponents may be outfitted with chakra regulators," said Index. "This is in keeping with medical functions. Such measures are temporary and only intended to keep individuals alive until actual medical assistance can be acquired. Regulators of this type can be preset to trigger under certain conditions to maintain such things as blood flow, blood pressure, heart rate, respiration, chakra flow imbalances, and the like. While it can be used to disrupt genjutsu, it is not suggested for this purpose."

"'Temporary'," repeated Hiashi.

"Twenty four hour period," answered Index, turning to regard him instead of the Hokage. "Renewable through the Power Ring. Note that if the Ring is not recharged and runs out of power, constructs such as these will fail as well."

"This 'Cortana' is alive?" asked Hiashi, reactivating his Byakugan and trying to look. At first glance it looked as if the semi-transparent figure had a chakra network, but was that fuuinjutsu symbols speeding along the pathways?

"Incorrect," said Index. "Advanced parser with ability to adapt and learn."

"I see," said Hiashi, not understanding that but not willing to admit anything of the sort.

"Since you're here, I've been wanting to get someone else's reaction to something else here," said Hiruzen.

* * *

"So, boss, can you play ninja?" asked Konohamaru.

"What kind of ninja plays ninja?" asked Sakura.

"It's training," said Naruto.

"Right. Training," replied Sakura. She thought for a moment. "Just don't use - you know."

"Only passively," agreed Naruto.

"Passively?" asked Sakura.

"What are you talking about, boss?" asked Konohamaru.

"Team secrets," said Naruto with a conspiratorial wink.

"Oh," said Konohamaru, intrigued. He'd have to spy on them to figure it out. Speaking of which. "So, boss, are you and she?" He held up a pinky finger.

"What?! What kind of nonsense were you telling him?" asked Sakura, thinking that Naruto might have been telling Konohamaru something completely untrue.

"Nothing," said Naruto nervously. "Just that you're a member of my team."

"I was just asking if this was your girlfriend," said Konohamaru in an irritated tone himself. "Should have known."

"Right," said Sakura, walking away. After all, she was way too good for Naruto. Even with his new toy. And that he was acting more intelligent since getting it. And...

"Yeah, you're too violent, and you're way not good looking enough," said Konohamaru.

Sakura nodded a couple of times before the words penetrated. Then her reaction was completely predictable and understandable. She stopped walking away. She twitched.

Naruto saw the warning signs. "Konohamaru. Run!"

Konohamaru saw the expression on the pink-haired kunoichi as she turned and came to an identical conclusion. "Later boss!"

"KILL!" declared Sakura, giving chase.

"RUN AWAY!" declared Naruto, running after Konohamaru.

"AHHH!" screamed four civilians, turning and running alongside the ninja because if the ninja were running from something there was a good chance they'd need to be running too.

"AHHH!" screamed a shopkeeper as Udon ran through a display of silk scarves and continued running with several stuck to him. "Get back here!"

A group of Academy students walking dogs (they'd heard this was the typical D-Rank mission and were practicing) heard the screams and yelling and watched the first group pass them by. The dogs got excited and decided they wanted in on it, dragging their walkers along. At least until the young students looked back, saw what they thought was a hannya, and started running with everyone else.

* * *

Temari sniffed at the breeze. "Hmmm. That smells tasty."

"Meh, whatever," said Kankuro. "This is boring. Wish something interesting would happen."

_CRASH! TRAMPLETRAMPLETRAMPLETRAMPLE!_

Temari lifted herself off the sidewalk and looked over at where her brother was likewise lying on the sidewalk, covered with footprints. Also pawprints. "You had to say something, didn't you?"

Kankuro lifted himself up. "Aw c'mon. All I did was say that I wished that something not boring would happen."

_TRAMPLETRAMPLETRAMPLETRAMPLE!_

"SHANNARO!" yelled some pink-haired girl, holding a chair over her head as she chased the crowd.

Temari slowly lifted her head. "Not. A. Word."

A suspicious sound came from a nearby tree.

"Did... Gaara just chuckle?" asked Temari.

The sound repeated as if someone who didn't know how to laugh was trying to suppress the sound and didn't completely manage the feat.

"That's it, the world's coming to an end," said Kankuro.

Temari rolled abruptly off the path.

"AH! A HANNYA!" _TRAMPLETRAMPLETRAMPLE!_

"Who are you calling a hannya?!" _TRAMPLE!_

"I hate this village," decided Kankuro.

* * *

Gaara stared as it all went down.

First the little boy and a blond boy about his age. Followed by four large dogs, three kids about four years younger than he was, four adults of about twenty years or so, some merchant whose apron read "Silk World", three men and four women in their mid to late twenties - all running in a large group.

Running directly over both Temari and Kankuro.

He overheard the comments from Kankuro and Temari, as Kankuro apparently didn't realize that the girl chasing the crowd (carrying a folding chair over her head) had cut the group off and they were heading back.

So he watched as they trampled Kankuro and Temari once again.

It happened again, but this time Temari was able to get herself out of the path of the crowd.

The one girl, the pink haired one with the folding chair, seemed to be getting angrier and angrier as she went.

To inspire such terror, as well as the nickname of 'Hannya' - she must be far more formidable than he would have thought just based on her appearance.

"I hate this village," said Kankuro, getting up at the end of his statement and lunging forward. "As for YOU..."

Gaara was in position to see Kankuro's footing slip, as the girl turned to see what was happening behind her. He got a good view as Kankuro's hand closed around one of the girl's breasts. Or was at least at that approximate area since she didn't seem to have much in the way of breast development.

Another odd strangled noise forced its way out of Gaara's throat as things once again followed a very predictable path - even though he had never seen anything like this happen before in real life.

* * *

"I hate this village. As for you-"

Sakura turned at the unfamiliar voice and the spike of killing intent.

An unfamiliar boy lunged forward and grabbed her chest.

At the tender age of thirteen, Sakura could admit that she'd just seen the beginnings of development there but had hopes she would surpass Ino and various other girls in that regard.

"WHAT THE HELL?!" roared Sakura.

"Kankuro!" yelled a girl who was on the ground.

"Hey! It was an accident! It ain't like there's anything there for me to grope anyway!" countered Kankuro, snatching his hand away. At which point he realized that hadn't been the best thing he could have said.

The pink-haired girl seemed to be glowing now. Her eyes like spotlights, an aura of blue forming, the metal folding chair in her hands somehow giving the impression that shadows were gathering on it.

Kankuro prepared to substitute with one of his puppets, because he was getting a VERY unpleasant feeling right now.

"RAGHHHHH!" declared the pink as she brought the chair around with enough force that it dented on impact. Kankuro, safely inside the bundle, decided not to make a sound as his Crow puppet was sent flying across the street and impacted a building.

Unable to see at the moment due to his position, he waited a few seconds then whispered to where he knew his sister would be. "Did the hannya leave?"

"RAGHHHHH!"

"That would be a 'no'," realized Kankuro, throwing his concealing bandages off in order to make a break for it.

He didn't make it far before someone grabbed him.

"Enough," said Gaara as he came down out of the tree. "You're going to make us late."

"Blame the Pink Hannya," suggested Kankuro, thinking that throwing his brother at this monster girl was his safest bet.

"WHAT WAS THAT?!" responded Sakura.

"Very well, Pink Hannya of the Leaf. I shall see you in the Exams," said Gaara.

"That's not my name!" indicated the pink-haired girl. "Sakura Haruno."

"Sakura Haruno, the Pink Hannya. I shall remember it. Perhaps you will prove my existence," said the redhaired boy as he turned away from the meeting spot and walked off.

"But Gaara..." protested Kankuro as he followed behind, then went over to a building and gathered a large broken puppet up before shooting a worried glance at Sakura and hurrying to catch up.

"You amused Gaara," said the blonde girl as she walked away, looking shell-shocked. "Gaara doesn't HAVE a sense of humor. But you amused him. I can't..."

Sakura shook her head. "Great. Wait a minute. Those headbands were from Suna!"

* * *

"How bad is it?" asked Temari.

"She really did a number on Crow," noted Kankuro as he looked over the puppet. "I can have him repaired in a couple of hours though - the parts are meant to come apart after all so it looks worse than it is."

"But she still 'did a number' on it?" asked Temari.

"Yeah, managed to hit a support strut just right," said Kankuro.

"Interesting," said Temari.

"Just a lucky hit," said Kankuro.

Gaara made an odd noise.

"What?" asked Kankuro.

"Konohagakure," said Gaara. "Forget they're weak treehuggers. What else do you know about them?"

"They..." Temari straightened as something she'd noticed earlier clicked. "They love bloodlines."

"Bloodlines?" asked Kankuro.

"Who else have you seen with PINK hair?" asked Temari. "I was close enough to see if she had different colored roots. That was natural."

"Oh," said Kankuro. Yeah, that made sense.

"Hmph," hmphed Gaara, who was thinking that it was most likely just a lucky hit. But if it WAS the girl having some powerful bloodline - so much the better when he crushed her later.

* * *

"That is beyond belief," said Hiashi Hyuga.

"So is this device," noted Hiruzen Sarutobi. "So is Naruto's Ring."

Hiashi paused. "He will be competing in the Chunin Exams?"

"I have already heard from Kakashi Hatake that he will be entering Team 7 in that," said Hiruzen, adjusting his Hokage hat.

Hiashi frowned.

"Naruto is unlikely to use his Ring to harm any of his friends," said the Hokage. "Quite the opposite in fact."

"That is not the concern," said Hiashi. He went back to frowning.

"Well, it is rather a lot of information to absorb," said the Hokage. "Get back to me when you've had a chance to figure it out. I'll want to hear your opinion."

"Yes," said Hiashi slowly as the disc was put away and the privacy seal broken. "That sounds like a good idea."

* * *

"So, we're ready?" asked Sakura, sounding slightly nervous.

"Hn," indicated Sasuke, confident.

Naruto's Ring faded into invisibility and he stepped up to one wall. "Exam's on the third floor, right?"

"Naruto!" exclaimed Sakura. "We're supposed to turn our applications over to Kakashi-sensei first. He's in there somewhere."

"Oh," said Naruto, disappointed.

"You just wanted to enter in some dramatic fashion," pointed out Sakura. "Ninja should be quiet and not draw attention to themselves by fitting into the shadows."

Sasuke and Naruto both stared at Sakura for a moment, wondering what kind of ninja she was talking about because that sure didn't describe any of the ninja they'd run into so far.

"Where did that come from?" asked Sasuke finally.

"I've been re-reading several books on the subject," said Sakura. "After all, this test IS to see if we're ready to become chunin."

"Right," said Sasuke, dismissing this and decided to just go ahead and bull through. He was aware of his team trailing behind him as he entered the building.

They were quickly aware that SOMETHING was up though. Several foreign teams edged away from them, looking especially guarded as Team 7 passed.

Sasuke at first thought it was about him, he being the Last Uchiha after all. Then he thought it might have been the dobe, the idiot having somehow given away that he had that blue advantage of his. When he heard the phrase "Pink Hannya" the second time, he glanced at Sakura and considered asking.

"What's a 'hannya' anyway?" asked Naruto, scowling. He hadn't caught the 'pink' part of that title.

"They're not talking about you," said Sasuke.

"No?" asked Naruto, perking up slightly.

Sakura had the grace to look moderately embarassed at least. Also annoyed and somewhat prepared for violence.

"Genjutsu," said Naruto, leading them past some altercation in front of a room.

"Obviously," said Sasuke.

"Of course," agreed Sakura.

Up another flight of stairs, and there was Kakashi Hatake.

"Doing this without that ring of yours?" asked Kakashi.

"Invisible," said Naruto, the Ring briefly shimmering in place on one hand.

"Well, that's a most hopeful sign," said Kakashi. "You're actually thinking ahead. Good job."

"Your confidence in me is underwhelming, Kakashi-sensei," grumped Naruto.

"Well, go ahead and hand me your applications, then go in," said Kakashi. "Last word of advice: try not to die."

"Good advice," said Sakura.

"Yes, the paperwork I'd have to fill out would be terrible," said Kakashi as he took the forms.

* * *

"That was the Pink Hannya," said a genin from Kusagakure, having spied on a dialogue between a Suna genin and an Oto genin.

"Supposedly she puts on an act of innocence to keep people off-balance, then she reveals that she's some ax-crazy," said a genin from Oto, wondering how the Kusa genin had that intel.

"Not that crazy ninja are all that uncommon," noted another genin from Kusa.

"I wasn't saying there was anything wrong with that," offered the Oto genin. "Just means that on that team, the most harmless looking one is the most dangerous. Interesting strategy. If you didn't know better, you'd dismiss her as being inconsequential and concentrate on that Uchiha kid."

"Good point," offered one of the other Oto genin in the small crowd. Hitting the hannya first was probably the best strategy, keep her from unleashing whatever jutsu she had.

Neji frowned slightly, going over the details he'd observed from the pink-haired girl. He'd thought she was just a weak and not very serious genin. How could you take someone with bubblegum-pink hair seriously? Yet apparently the girl had a reputation already.

He'd have to keep an eye on her. With a name like 'Pink Hannya' - she might be a genjutsu expert and that would be a problem for his team. Not for him, obviously, but his team might be at a disadvantage against such.

* * *

Scan completed.  
Candidates: 153.  
Teams: 51.  
Proctors: 12.  
Chakra levels vary from feeble to extremely high.

"Huh," said Naruto softly relaying the information his Power Ring was relaying silently to him. "So some of these guys have really high chakra levels? Maybe some aren't really genin then?"

Sakura and Sasuke glanced at Naruto, considered that he'd been able to pull up a map of Wave Country and highlight hidden patrols, and then began examining their fellow participants a bit more closely.

Sasuke frowned as he considered how to ask Naruto which ones had the high chakra levels. Also how Naruto could reply without giving away the advantage to others.

"So I see you guys made it here too. How troublesome."

"SASUKE-KUN!" _GLOMP!_

"GET. OFF," Sasuke practically growled at the kunoichi draping herself over him.

Sakura grabbed Ino and began trying to pull her rival off of Sasuke.

"Wow. Reminds me of those Academy days," said Kiba, looking over the scene as he walked up with his team.

"Yo," said Naruto, smiling and waving at Hinata. The Ring had said that whatever her problem was - he could help overcome it through being friendly so he was aiming for that.

"Eep," managed Hinata before smiling shyly back while poking her forefingers together.

Breakdown of high chakra readings among test participants  
Jinchuriki: 1 (unstable)  
High Jonin level: 2  
Jonin level: 7  
Special Jonin level: 13  
Chunin level: 73  
Low Chunin level: 42  
Genin level: 15

Naruto frowned. What the heck did that stuff mean? He'd have to ask later when there wasn't a lot of people around.

"You guys ought to be more quiet," said a guy with glasses as he approached. "Don't you know where you are?"

"In the Chunin Exams," said Naruto, trying to keep his voice low. Which wasn't as effective as he wanted. "With one hundred fifty three competing, from four different villages. Most of 'em have high chakra levels and there's at least one of 'em who's unstable. Most of 'em are hostile."

"Uhm, yes," said the glasses-wearer. "Look around you though. You see why calling attention to yourself just makes yourself a target?"

"Aren't you going to get off of me?" asked Sasuke to Ino.

"Nope!" chirped Ino.

"Shannaro!" declared Sakura, sending a fist into Ino's face and loosening the Yamanaka's grip.

Sasuke did a substitution as soon as he felt the grip slacken, managing to exchange himself with Kiba.

"EWWWWWW! Sasuke that was MEAN!" complained Ino as she leapt off. "Now I've got to spray myself for fleas!"

Kiba growled, not surprising anyone at all.

"You guys should take a quieter approach," advised the glasses-wearing ninja. "Take a word of advice from someone who's been through this before."

"You've been through this before? It's troublesome enough just this once," complained Shikamaru.

"Most genin have to go through at least two exams before being promoted," noted the glasses-wearer.

"Excuse me, you obviously know who we are," said Shikamaru. "And you are?"

"Kabuto Yakushi, Konohagakure medic-nin. This is my 7th time taking this test," began Kabuto.

"What? 'Seven'?" asked Kiba. "Man, you must suck."

"What a pain," said Shikamaru. "And you're offering to help us - why?"

"Well, we're from the same village and you guys kind of remind me of how my team was the first time around," offered Kabuto. "In fact, I'll even let you look at my Ninja Info Cards."

"'Ninja Info Cards'?" asked Shikamaru, sounding a little suspicious.

"What are those?" asked Sakura.

Naruto read off the information his Ring was giving him. "Fuuinjutsu on regular cardstock, coded to his chakra using a chakra-sensitive ink in five colors. By using his chakra in a specific pattern, he basically bridges a gap in the ink's structure to make the information visible again."

If a frog in a top-hat had started dancing on a desktop while singing about a 'ragtime gal', he would have been stared at only slightly less than Naruto was being stared at.

"Uhm, right, good guess," said Kabuto. "Well..."

"I take it from the name that those are cards containing information on ninja," said Shikamaru, who managed to sigh in a tired manner at the end of that before continuing. "Which means we should ask about a known individual to judge how accurate the information is. How tiring."

"Ah, yes, that would be prudent, I suppose" admitted Kabuto, wondering what happened to his established script.

"Okay," said Naruto, brightening as he prepared to say something.

"What do they say about the Pink Hannya?" asked a blonde kunoichi from Suna, having gotten close enough to overhear.

"The wha?" asked Kiba.

"I haven't had the chance to revise that one since I came into some updated intel," admitted Kabuto.

"Who's the 'Pink Hannya'... Forehead?" asked Ino as the only one in the entire room who had ANYTHING in that shade was her former friend/rival.

"Yes," said Kabuto, using a finger to push his glasses into place. "Surprising that one so young and inexperienced has managed to make such a reputation for herself, while maintaining a cover of being some silly and incompetent genin."

"Erk," said Sakura, wanting to belt this guy but also realizing that the looks of respect she'd been getting were keeping her from being the target of outright hostility.

"What about that guy?" asked Naruto pointing to a redhead.

"Gaara?" asked the Suna kunoichi.

"Gaara of the Sands," said Kabuto, glad that things were finally back on track. He charged one of the cards, revealing the information inscribed on it.

* * *

"A written test? Two points off for each time you cheat?! Third time you fail your entire team?!" Naruto felt on the verge of panic.

Scan ready.

Naruto took a deep breath, calming himself. He was the Blue Lantern, he could do this with the scanning abilities of his Power Ring. Which was invisible so he could keep it with him but still follow the directions of keeping it secret.

"Turn the papers over and begin in the manner of excellent shinobi," said Ibiki Morino from the front of the room.

Analysis of first question. Calculation of speeds and angles are as follows-

Naruto quickly jotted down the answer, then included the additions about wind speed and possible gravitic anomalies. Not that he understood what such things meant, but it sounded smart at least.

Cryptography. The cipher is a simple substitution with an ascending variable based on the number of words preceding the current one. Message is as follows -

Naruto grinned as he wrote everything down, feeling a surge of confidence he hadn't had when 'written test' was mentioned. He could do this!

* * *

Hinata paused as she became aware that Naruto was writing away quickly and more confidently. What had happened to Naruto? She had observed him for a very long time, but her expectation would have been that he would have been lost on a written exam.

She could practically feel confidence radiating off of him. That was always one of the things she liked about Naruto though. Unlike the cold hide-your-feelings dignity-is-job-one of her family, Naruto was always enthusiastic and free with his emotions. Whatever he was feeling - you could tell immediately with Naruto!

She waited until he was working on the ninth question before tilting her head forward so that her bangs covered her eyes, then held her hands under the table so she could do the quick handsigns to activate her bloodline.

Then she looked over four nearly-completed tests before focussing on Naruto's test. She quickly began copying his, smiling at the thought that she'd considered offering him to cheat off of her. Now she was cheating off of him. Naruto had a tendency to surprise people, even her who knew him so well.

* * *

Sakura gaped for a moment at the sight of Naruto sitting there, writing away as if the test was so simple he could have done it with his eyes closed.

Some of these questions were hard even for her!

Of course, she quickly realized it had to be that ring of his - feeding him the answers.

The gaping gave way to a smile. She didn't have to worry about Sasuke failing this test of course. And she was able to handle it - no problem! Without having to worry about Naruto doing something stupid, she could concentrate on the test herself.

* * *

Ino noticed that Sakura was scribbling away, only pausing long enough to look at Naruto.

Naruto, the class clown and dead-last, who was writing away at the test like it was no problem?! What the hell?! He had to be cheating somehow - but how?

Curiosity got the better of her, and she went through her hand signs. "Mind Body Switch Technique."

Intercept

Blue. She was lost in a world of brilliant sapphire, with no up or down, nothing but an endless maze of brilliant blue crystalline walls.

Ino realized she wasn't going anywhere, so tried to end the technique and return to her body.

The blue walls remained around her.

"Oh hell," said Ino, realizing that something was seriously wrong but having no idea what.

* * *

Shikamaru frowned as he noticed that Ino had used her possession technique, but was spending a lot of time slumped in place at her desk.

He just knew this was going to be troublesome.

* * *

.Initial analysis of Intruder complete.  
.Intruder identified as marginally allied competitor.  
.Analysis of cultural morals and legal structure indicate nonlethal parameters preferred.  
.Leaking of nonmission-sensitive data into environment has provided further access of Intruder's memories and thought patterns.  
.Intruder identified as Yamanaka Ino.  
.Intruder's current mental shielding is rated Feeble.  
.Response selected.

* * *

The expressions. It didn't matter where he went, or what he did. It was always the same thing.

_Please._

Hate. Disgust. Turning away.

_Please don't._

"Why didn't they just kill it at birth?"

_Look at me!_

Those eyes that stared at him but didn't see him.

_Please, look at me!_

"Monster."

_Please._

"Demon."

_Why do you hate me?!_

"Should be dead!"

_Why?_

"Disgusting filth! Get out of my shop!"

_Won't someone?_

"It's THAT thing again."

_Please. Someone?_

"Ignore it. Maybe it'll go off and die somewhere on its own."

_Can't someone? Anyone?_

"It's not like it's human or something. Just kick it out of your way."

_Can't anyone see ME?_

"I'd have strangled it in the crib if it was up to me."

_Those eyes that don't see me, you see something else. And you hate it._

"Oh, it's just That Thing."

_I didn't do anything!_

"I feel unclean just seeing that thing walking around."

_I'm Naruto Uzumaki! I'm not a 'thing'!_

"Someone should just dispose of it, and good riddance."

_I'll make people acknowledge me!_

"You must stay away from That Boy!"

* * *

Ino broke contact with the wall, breathing heavily even though she knew that this was just her mental projection. Whatever these odd crystal barriers were, they had memories from Naruto's past.

For that matter, why DID everyone hate the goofball? Yeah, she'd met rocks that had a better personality and more mental capacity, but hadn't Naruto been hated before he started pranking and doing other stupid tricks?

Shaking her head, Ino tried another path to see if it would lead out of the maze. She was aware of it when a trailing foot brushed against a blue crystal wall.

* * *

"I'm just saying, if you keep serving that demon brat - you'll be losing business."

Naruto crouched lower behind the stack of garbage.

"You've said your piece. Now get out."

"You don't care if 'Ichiraku Ramen' goes under, or your business meets some unfortunate accidents?"

"You think you intimidate me just because you're a ninja and I'm not? You delivered your message but I don't think you understand something. You try smearing me with rumors, or sabotaging my business, or anything like that - I know who to report and who to report TO. Ichiraku's will serve any reasonable customer who comes here and doesn't make a fuss. That includes Naruto Uzumaki!"

Naruto felt something wet trickling down one cheek and wondered what that was from.

"Your business will suffer, old man."

"My business has been here for years, and will be here years from now. I serve quality food, make my noodles myself, and am not afraid. Anyone easily cowed shouldn't operate a business in a ninja village. Now go on. I have customers to prepare for."

Naruto snuck away again, trying to fight the smile off his face and losing.

* * *

What had THAT been?

Ino wasn't sure. Wasn't Ichiraku's some ramen bar? Why had an ANBU been trying to convince the proprietor to stop serving a particular customer?

She didn't understand, but-

Oh crap! The test!

* * *

"-and I'm gonna TAKE that tenth question, and if I fail and you say I can't become a chunin, then I'll be the first genin to become Hokage! And then I'll fire your ass for making such lame ass rules!"

Ibiki noticed that one of the girls in the background, the Yamanaka, was drooling on herself. Everyone else seemed to have regained their nerve. "Nobody else going to spare themselves and quit now?"

"I never give up! That's my ninja way!"

"Fine. You guys pass," said Ibiki.

Ino Yamanaka snored very loudly.

Ibiki cocked his head at that. _I have to rethink this test. Otherwise someone who fainted from the stress manages to pass it, and that just isn't right._

_CRASH!_

"ARRIVING!"

"Waitaminute!" yelled the Suna kunoichi. "What do you mean 'pass'? Do you mean someone so lame they passed out during the test passed?!" She pointed at the snoring Ino. "And who the hell is this?!"

The woman in the mesh and trenchcoat combination frowned at her. "You saying there's something wrong with the way I dress?"

"No," said Temari. "Kunoichi using sex appeal to distract male opponents is an old and established tactic. But you managed to put a shard of glass into one of the genin in the first row."

"Oh," said Anko. "Well if you were going to let something like that bother you, you shouldn't be in the test."

"The people giving the test shouldn't be trying to kill the people taking the test," protested Temari. "That's OUR job."

"Ah, good point," said Anko, nodding. "Well, I'm Anko Mitarashi, and I'll be the proctor for the... Is that kunoichi over there ASLEEP?"

"Looks like it," said Ibiki, thinking that maybe his initial assessment was wrong. Seating arrangement said that was a Yamanaka, so she might have run into a problem with her jutsu. Got bounced off a particularly strong shield and end up floating around the room. Hadn't that happened to Inoichi once several years ago?

Anko stared at Ino, then at Ibiki, then back to Ino.

One of the more silly looking kunoichi in the back held up a marker. "Let's doodle on her!"

Anko fixed the marker-wielding kunoichi with a particularly venomous glare. She was going to be getting the nastiest of the gates assigned to her. Even worse than the sleeper.

"GAH!" yelped Ino, jumping up. "Seven. Warring States Period. Clan Restoration Act? Ramen?"

"I take it back," said Anko, sounding slightly amused as the Yamanaka stared wildly around herself. "I think you managed to break her."


	17. Chapter 17: Spiral Dragon, part 1

**Another Fistful Of Omake**

by Greylle

DISCLAIMER: Original series belong to someone else.  
NOTE: The following is just an idea that came to me and started developing. Not sure how long i'll keep going on it.

Omake 17: Spiral Dragon, part one  


* * *

Toltiir pondered as he watched Team 7 scurry on their D-Rank mission.

A tail whip-cracked, resetting events to "baseline." Which was why he'd adopted of the human adage to make backups and make backups often.

Now, here was a good point. Team 7 was doing those silly little D-Rank missions. Which were supposed to build teamwork, which really was only emphasized during their genin days anyway. Just as often, it didn't do much expect provide busywork. Or at least that was Toltiir's view.

No, and maybe if he went at it like so.

* * *

"Hurry it up, Naruto!" said Sakura, her voice slightly distorted by the communicators they wore.

"Yeah, yeah, just a minute," said Naruto as he picked his way through the forest. "I am so sick of this."

"Not in position yet?" asked Kakashi over HIS communicator.

"Why do we need to be in position anyway?" asked Naruto. "We're searching for golf balls for crying out loud!"

"That," said Kakashi, "is a secret."

"It's probably a team-building exercise for coordinating against mobile targets, right Sasuke?" asked Sakura.

"Hnn."

"Yeah yeah, whatever. Hey I think I-" said Naruto just before the ground collapsed under him. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Kakashi frowned as he tapped his communicator. "Naruto, can you stop playing around. This is serious."

A minute went by. Then two.

"Found another golfball," said Sasuke, dropping it into the bag with the other ones. How the heck was he supposed to get strong doing this sort of thing?

"Honestly," said Sakura. "Naruto is SO immature. Unlike Sasuke!"

"Naruto?" asked Kakashi, then sighing after another minute went by without any answer. "I'll go look for him."

"If he managed to get himself killed on a golfball-hunting mission, I'll never speak to him again," promised Sakura, who then brightened at the possibility of being alone for long periods with Sasuke. She felt guilty about it as she made a quick prayer that Naruto had found a better life in the next world.

That flash of guilt didn't keep Sakura from hoping sincerely that Naruto was out of her life and a brief fantasy in which she and Sasuke got closer together with the tragedy of an MIA Naruto a shared experience.

* * *

"!" managed Naruto as he turned in mid-air to see the distant dot of the hole he'd fallen down disappear in the distance.

Finally he remembered his ninja tools, tied a length of cord to a grapple (taking three tries) and threw it off into the darkness. It made a clang as it hit rock somewhere out there.

"Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah," cried out little twelve year old Naruto as he realized how far he'd fallen. It was hard to tell how fast he was going because all he could see was dark - but he'd been falling for a very long time now.

He was going to splat. He'd hit the ground and be smooshed into jelly. Now he'd never be Hokage. Never kiss Sakura. Never get anyone to like him. Dying in a dark hole where he'd never be found. Never eat ramen again.

"AHHHH! THIS !" screamed the falling genin.

_THWOP!_

Naruto blinked as he landed on something that seemed kind of hard but which gave way immediately, slowing him down.

"**Well well well. What do we have here?**"

Naruto gulped at that overly loud and overly deep voice. If a mountain could speak, he would expect it to have such a voice. A particularly large and nasty mountain. It was a very very scary voice.

"**Naruto Uzumaki. Genin of the Leaf Village. Jinchuriki of the Nine-Tailed Demon Fox.**"

"Y-y-y-y-y-you know me?" asked Naruto, hoping this wasn't someone he'd pranked.

Flames shot out, briefly illuminating the cavern.

Naruto couldn't possibly be any more quiet or still than he was at that moment, having seen way too much. If his muscles hadn't completely frozen, he might have wet himself right there.

His 'landing pad' was the forepaw of a dragon. A dragon who was at least as big as his village. Just the forepaw/claw/hand was bigger than his apartment building. Said dragon had just jetted flames out of his mouth. Had those flames hit HIM, Naruto knew with absolute certainty that he'd be ash blowing on the wind.

"**Now what to do with you,**" mused the dragon in the darkness now that the flames had died out.

Naruto imagined his death in several grisly manners, each one more nasty than the last. Considering the first one involved being eaten and his ninja headband popping out later after the dragon got a toothpick - that was pretty bad.

"**Don't be a fool, child. I don't eat sentient beings. It's bad karma.**"

"That's... good, right?" asked Naruto as he tried to get his shaking under control.

"**Even as pathetic and tiny as you are, the least ninja of your class, whose team mate even now prays for your death, killing you was not my plan - else I would not have stopped your fall as I did.**"

"Uhm, right," said Naruto, realizing that he was shaking twice as hard now that he'd relaxed just a little bit. "Sasuke's praying for my death?"

"**No. Sakura Haruno.**"

"Eh?" asked Naruto.

"**Child. I'm able to read minds. Now that you've awoken me, I have no reason to lie to you. Rather, I owe you a favor.**"

"Eh?" asked Naruto, suddenly getting a glimpse inside Sakura's head and FEELING the contempt she had for him. She was... wishing he was dead so she could get closer to Sasuke? Did his life utterly SUCK or what?

"Speak, child. Three wishes shall I give you. If it is in my vast power to grant, I shall do so."

"Can you get me out of here?" asked Naruto.

"**Is that your only wish then?**"

"Wish? Like you can give me anything?" asked Naruto, tiny glimmer of hope popping up through the dark.

"**Don't waste my time, child. Freedom beckons me.**"

"Okay," said Naruto, screwing up his courage. "I wish I had some awesome jutsu that would let me get out of stuff like this."

"**Hmmm. Flight or teleportation? Hmmm. Maybe a walk through solid objects? Hmmm. Okay.**"

The dragon's eyes flashed red, illuminating Naruto briefly.

"What was that?" asked Naruto, a little nervously.

"**Just prepping for that wish,**" explained the dragon, its deep voice causing rocks to slide off somewhere in the distance. "**Your second wish?**"

"I don't feel any different," noted Naruto.

"**I haven't granted the wish yet, child. After you've made all three, it may be possible to combine them all in one event.**"

"Okay," said Naruto. "Hey, if you can do stuff like this, why can't you just escape?"

"**My word was given that I would not escape until I was freed,**" answered the dragon. "**Your arrival, unintended as it was, managed to do that.**"

"Oh," said Naruto, nodding at that. Giving one's word was important. "Well... are you sure Sakura doesn't like me?" Maybe he'd imagined that earlier?

The dragon simply linked the bit about Sakura fantasizing about Naruto being dead, yes - STILL, and her getting closer to Sasuke as a result into Naruto's head.

"Oh," said Naruto. "Could you make her a little friendlier?"

"**Child, if you wished it, I could have her and most of the kunoichi of your village trying to cuddle you or bed you or both. If you made it one of your two remaining wishes, I could have it so that she never looked at Sasuke Uchiha in such a way. I could make her your tsundere sister, your best friend since starting the Academy, or your pet. Is that what you want?**"

"Uhhhhhh," said Naruto, suddenly picturing those possibilities. Suddenly he DID want something like that. No. It wouldn't be right to do it that way. Though the brief imagination of Sakura smiling at HIM as his best friend DID have a powerful appeal to him.

The dragon sighed and settled down. "**Your strength is sub-par. Your chakra control terrible. You have high levels of chakra but as your control is so poor - you can't always draw enough of it do anything and sometimes you overload your jutsu. You are not particularly intelligent, and your skills as a ninja are mostly lacking. Does any of this help?**"

"Damn Sasuke," muttered Naruto.

"**Do you want him to suffer then?**"

"No," said Naruto after a long pause in which he considered being able to lord it over a broken and beaten Sasuke.

"**Hmmm. He's your rival then,**" said the dragon. "**He has a formidable advantage. With that Sharingan, he can steal any technique you work out unless it were a kekkei genkai, a summoning contract, or requiring specialized training. Though the last two he might be able to acquire something similar with work on his part.**"

"A wha?" asked Naruto.

"**Kekkei genkai. Bloodline ability. A talent only you and those descended from you have. He's not the only one you know who has such talents.**"

"Who else?" asked Naruto.

Images appeared of several classmates.

"They've all got this 'khaki' stuff?" asked Naruto.

"**Yes. Some have specialized training and techniques that they are able to use to greater effect than those who haven't been breeding for that purpose. Not a true kekkei genkai, but getting there within a few more generations.**"

"So," said Naruto, thinking if they had one - it really wasn't fair that HE shouldn't have one. "Can I get one?"

"**An 'awesome' kekkei genkai that Sasuke couldn't steal? Hmmm. Might be able to work that into the first wish as well,**" indicated the dragon.

"Okayyyy. When you get loose, you're not going to destroy the village or something, are you?" asked Naruto.

"**Not unless that's your third wish,**" replied the dragon. "**Is it?**"

"NO!" Naruto was quick to shout. "Why do all the girls like Sasuke so much and not me?"

"**I'll look into a few minds. Hmmmm. You act like an idiot and immature. Whereas Sasuke mostly keeps his mouth shut, manages to give a brooding but mature air. Though it seems that not ALL the girls like Sasuke.**"

"Well," reasoned Naruto. "None of them like me."

"**Incorrect.**"

"Eh?" asked Naruto.

"**There is one girl who likes you. Even now she thinks fondly of you and wonders how you are doing with your new team.**"

"Yeah, right, that couldn't be," began Naruto.

Letting out a sigh that echoed through the cavern, the dragon (who was actually Toltiir playing out a part in an improvised drama) decided to just SHOW the boy.

* * *

_Late afternoon, two years previous:_

There he was. Sitting there on the swing near the Academy. A swing that nobody else used.

Her heart went out to him. How she longed to go over there and speak to him. If only she could.

Everyone spoke so poorly of him. They shunned him. They saw the village pariah or the dunce or the clown. They didn't see HIM. They didn't see the confidence or inner strength, they didn't see the drive or the kind heart or his inventiveness.

No, they saw something else. She knew though. She saw him - Naruto Uzumaki.

All the other girls saw Sasuke Uchiha as attractive and cool and strong and desirable. She didn't. He brooded and sulked. He had great anger built up within him like some dam holding back floodwaters. He was the last of his clan, but she was of a highly respected (though not loved) clan of Konohagakure and wouldn't respect someone solely for that.

Then there was what they did apart from training and school. Naruto gardened. He tried to care for animals, but most of them sensed something dark and dangerous about him and they too shunned him. Plants though - he kept a few hidden away. He cared for them, talked to them, made them grow strong and tall.

If only she could approach him, but she was so weak and worthless. Her family wouldn't appreciate her making a friend like him even if he didn't reject her. It would just be more trouble for him.

If only she had the courage to take that small step. To go forward just a little bit, to tell him that it was alright. That she believed in him.

If only...

* * *

"Whoa," said Naruto.

"**Going through her memories, there were exactly eleven such instances where she almost made that step. Twice she succeeded but was unable to bring herself to get your attention while it was focussed elsewhere.**"

"Somebody likes and believes in me?" asked Naruto in an awestruck voice. Then he wiped his eyes. "Damn dust in this cavern."

"**Of course,**" replied the dragon. You didn't need exceptional powers to see a certain hyperactive knucklehead approaching a shy heiress in the near future. Not that he'd necessarily get anywhere with her. That had happened in other continuities after all, and there were some intriguing possibilities to explore here.

"Why was she going on about being 'weak'?" asked Naruto.

"**She's been told for years that she's weak, unworthy, hopeless. Mostly by her own family. She sees you as being driven to succeed despite your flaws and faults, and that is what attracts her to you initially.**"

"Her own family?" asked Naruto, clutching one fist in order to righteously declare. "Well, I'll have to change their minds!"

"**To defend against the entire Hyuga clan would certainly require great power,**" mused the dragon. "**Either that or an absolute defense that would protect you from their sight. Hmmm. Is that your third wish?**"

"Eh?" asked Naruto, remembering the dragon's assessment of his skills earlier. But really, being weak compared to a dragon? He'd certainly heard enough about his lack of smarts from the Academy - and both Sakura and Sasuke would remind him of that too.

Come to think of it, hadn't he heard ALL of those comments at one time or another?

If he got a wish, wasn't this the time to address that?

"Yeah, I wish I was strong enough to fight her entire clan if I had to, smart enough to figure out how to do what I got to do, and had chakra control better than Sakura! (See how SHE likes being Dead Last!) AND that I had some ninja skills that were downright awesome! Can you do that?"

"**Your wishes were heard. I'm now working out how to grant them,**" said the thoughtful-seeming dragon. "**The ability to escape this prison, a powerful kekkei genkai that Sasuke Uchiha or other Sharingan users cannot copy, and the means to defeat an entire elite clan of ninja. Interesting. For a mortal who hasn't lived to see thirteen summers, you intrigue me, child.**"

"Oh?" asked Naruto, peering into the darkness.

**Here.**

"What's here? I can't see anything you know."

**Granting all three wishes in a tidy package. Fare thee well, Naruto Uzumaki.**

"Huh? Hey wait, I still can't see nothing!"

* * *

Kakashi Hatake looked down the hole. Pakkun looked down the hole.

"Yeah, he went down here," said Pakkun. "I ain't going down though."

Kakashi picked up a rock, held it over the hole, then listened. Then he fumbled in his belt, snapped a chemilight, then dropped THAT.

"I can tell you that goes down pretty damn far," offered Pakkun. "And smells of old musty reptile for some reason."

"Well, great, Naruto's dead," griped Kakashi as he saw the glowing chemical stick disappear in the distance. "On a golfball collecting mission. Now I've got to break the news to the rest of the team. Sasuke will be mad."

"Well, the loss of a team-mate is always hard," said Pakkun philosophically.

"No, it means we get a fail for the mission on his permanent record," said Kakashi.

Kakashi turned away from the hole to go see to those tasks, which meant he missed it when Naruto left his "grave."

* * *

Naruto switched, finding the little mental switch to do so.

Suddenly the darkness wasn't all-encompassing. He was in a huge cavern, and there was writing on all the walls. Unfortunately he couldn't read the writing as it was apparently written in Dragonese and he hadn't assimilated to that degree yet.

Naruto blinked and cocked his head to the side. How did he know that? How did he know this stuff was written in Dragonese? How did he know that he could fly, had a 'breath weapon', a lifespan that could be measured in millenia, was stronger and tougher and more intelligent, and that by switching into his dragon form he might get severely injured in the process - but he could flatten the Hyuga compound and make Hinata an orphan without any family at all.

Hmmm. Have to use his Fabricate spell, make this a lair now that it wasn't a prison anymore. Besides the big dragon only was kept here by his word, and Naruto wasn't planning on swearing any oaths to be a prisoner.

Wait a minute, he had a Fabricate spell?

THAT could be freaking handy.

Naruto curled his tail underneath him, squatted, and summoned his magic. Then he leapt straight up, his wings held tight against his body lest they snag on the passage.

Once clear, he could fly in earnest. He felt the air cupped by his wings as he climbed to a high altitude.

Naruto grinned at the sight of the village beneath him, then had a thought and just glided to a landing where he could switch back. Boy, wasn't Konoha in for a surprise?

He knew that he'd been rewritten and that he was now a dragon. Not simply a large lizard, but an Adamantite Dragon.

If one looked at him, using his innate _Polymorph_ to duplicate his human form, one would simply see Naruto Uzumaki the way he'd always been. More or less.

Using the Sharingan would not reveal anything particularly amiss either.

The Byakugan, on the other hand, would reveal some pretty darn powerful chakra flows. Hints of something else would be revealed.

If any of those saw him transformed into a dragon, it'd be a different story altogether. Someone familiar with the mechanics would be able to point out that Naruto was a Young Adult, and might be able to determine why his age would be advanced to that stage - because he would be there for the length of time it would take his classmates to die of old age.

That person familiar with the game mechanics would be able to tell their audience that Naruto was Size G (Gigantic), though able to adjust that with his _polymorph_ when required. That he had an Armor Class of 29. That he could fly 100ft/round, had a strength of 37, a constitution of 27, an intelligence of 22, and wisdom and charisma were both 20. That he could cast spells dealing with Good, Protection, Strength, and War domains as well as arcane spells.

To someone who was NOT enamored with such terminology, Naruto was faster and smarter and stronger even in human form.

He plucked at his clothing, frowned, and made a gesture. His clothing shifted - becoming ripped and torn and scuffed up. Giving him the opportunity to wear a different outfit after he'd let people see him wearing it. Now he just had to put on an act like everything was normal, up until he was ready to surprise certain people.

Hmmm. Scrolls. That would be a good cover. Fortunately, with his Fabricate spell - he could make them.

Thinking about it, Naruto decided the first order of business would be letting the Hokage know. Old Man had been pretty cool with him so far, and now he was going to be in on the biggest prank Naruto had ever pulled.

* * *

"I see, a 'kekkei genkai'?" asked the Hokage. "Interesting."

"Apparently," said Naruto. "I'm gonna keep it secret for now though."

"Why? I'd have thought you'd immediately brag about it," said the Hokage.

"Yeah, well, think about how it'll look when the 'dead last' turns out to be able to pull something like THIS out," said Naruto.

"Hmmm, yes I see," said the Hokage with a nod. As a prank, it would be amusing. The question was whether Naruto could restrain himself enough to manage it. "Yes, I can specify that area as your property - so long as it is unchanged on the surface. Underground chambers - I'd want to take a look at it myself but I don't see any particular problem."

"Okay," said Naruto.

"I'm also going to summon a seal expert to look over the Kyubi's prison, just in case there were any problems in that regard," said the Hokage thoughtfully.

"Okay," said Naruto, frowning thoughtfully. "One other thing, Jii-san. I just found out about some girl who might like me."

"If you're talking about Sakura Haruno, I don't think you're correct," said the Hokage.

Naruto shook his head once. "No. What can you tell me about the Hyuga clan?"

* * *

"Naruto's dead?" asked Sasuke. "On a D-Rank mission? To collect golf balls?"

"He fell in a hole," said Kakashi. "A really deep one."

Sasuke considered the klutz who got dragged around by a large dog while on a dog-walking mission, who got clawed and bitten by Tora on a cat-finding mission, who tripped over a can of paint on a fence-painting mission. "In a way, I envy him. He doesn't have to go on more of these lame missions. What's tomorrow going to involve? Potato-peeling?"

Kakashi cocked his head at Sasuke. "No remorse for a fallen comrade?"

"My life has been filled to overflowing with the deaths of people I once knew," said Sasuke. "He is just one more."

"So, will we be getting a replacement for Naruto?" asked Sakura, deciding to move forward rather than let the guilt about wishing for Naruto's death overwhelm her.

"I don't know," admitted Kakashi. "Team 7 might be disbanded. Or we might get a replacement. Or we might just be stuck with D-Rank missions until we can get a third genin. That decision will be up to the Hokage after I make a report."

* * *

Toltiir smirked. One of the reasons he liked the cat-form was that cats had a natural smirk they were pretty good at.

In human form:  
**Ninjutsu:**2, **Taijutsu:**1.5, **Genjutsu**1, **Intelligence:**5, **Strength:**24, **Speed:**2, **Stamina:**9, **Hand Seals:**1.

Of course, with the size and mass of his dragon form - his stamina and strength in that form would be even greater.

That the human scale only went up to 5 wasn't a consideration. Naruto wasn't human anymore, just taking that shape. He wasn't able to lift the Hokage Monument, but he'd be able to lift buildings if he could get leverage and the building didn't collapse around him.

Toltiir leaned forward eagerly as Naruto walked back to his team.

* * *

Naruto was feeling a bit "up" at the moment.

He'd met a particularly large and powerful dragon. Which, to his mind, qualified as cool. Particularly when meeting such dragon didn't involve meeting a quick death.

Two, he'd learned that someone LIKED him. Someone wanted to be his friend. Okay, she was a weird girl with weird eyes. That wasn't so bad, was it?

Three, he'd just taken the Hokage to the cavern and switched to his new real form. That of a dragon. A fifty-five foot long, ninety ton, winged and fanged and clawed, hyper-flame breathing, armored engine of destruction and sheer awesomeness.

Naruto liked being awesome. He thought it looked DAMN good on him.

The Third Hokage had looked him over, patted Naruto on the foreclaw, and said that maybe he ought to hold that back for times when he really needed it. The Hokage had further said that he'd simply put out the information that a genin now had a summons for a big dragon but would seal the details until an appropriate time. That way if Naruto DID transform, a full mobilization of forces attacking said dragon might be avoided. Naruto agreed with that, as having lots of ninja attacking him would be a pain in one manner or another.

He spotted the team and tried to wipe the broad smile off his face, only succeeding in shrinking it down to a smirk.

"Hey guys," said Naruto.

Shock and surprise greeted him, along with a momentary silence before Sakura ran forward with one fist chambered.

"Naruto!" growled Sakura as she swung, "How could you ma-"

_CRACK!_

Sakura came to a wide tearful-eyed halt, her fist still resting along Naruto's jawline. "-make us worry like that," finished Sakura in a much quieter and more pained voice.

"Uhm, I had to talk to the Hokage," said Naruto. "My bloodline activated."

Sakura whimpered as she clutched her arm.

Kakashi quickly stepped next to the girl and brought the offending limb where he could look at it. When he touched her hand, there was a muffled scream from the girl in question. "Broken. Come on, let's get you to the infirmary. Just great, more paperwork."

"YOU have a bloodline?" asked Sasuke of Naruto, disbelief evident.

"Yeah, that's what they tell me," said Naruto, a little concerned for Sakura at this point. "I'm stronger and a lot harder to hurt."

Sakura said something involving that she'd noticed and that Naruto should have given some warning. Interspersed with a few obscenities.

Sasuke raised an eyebrow, making a mental note of certain phrases. Depths to Sakura he hadn't known about. She reminded him briefly of his mother. Who had been known to turn the air blue on a few occasions.

"Stronger?" asked Kakashi.

Naruto used one finger, slapping it down on the rim of a trashcan. Leaving behind a noticeable dent in the metal.

"Infirmary first," said Kakashi. "Then we'll test out Naruto's theory about a bloodline."

* * *

Kakashi Hatake often played the fool. He wasn't. When Naruto came back, he'd noticed several things "off" about his genin.

Naruto often covered deep insecurities with bravado, his loneliness with loud, his emotional fragility with a mask of stupid enthusiasm. He might not have worked with Naruto for long, but he'd noted that much. Though there were times when Naruto would be surprisingly insightful, Kakashi was used to seeing the "dead last" of the Academy being a clown and buffoon who'd try to rival with Sasuke.

His stance and manner were completely off from earlier that day. Admittedly, if he HAD gotten a bloodline ability - that might have boosted his real self-image and confidence to change that facade into reality.

He'd have to check with the Hokage as Naruto had mentioned discussing it with the old man. Now though, he'd have to see what he could see.

When Sasuke and Naruto were distracted as they started to spar, Kakashi adjusted his headband and studied Naruto with his Sharingan for a few seconds.

If it had been a simple henge or illusion, Kakashi knew he would have seen it immediately using the Sharingan. No such thing, but something was even more off about Naruto.

Sasuke started out openly scornful of sparring with Naruto. That changed quickly as Naruto blocked Sasuke's most powerful kick. Judging from Sasuke's reaction, it had been like hitting a reinforced wall.

Sasuke then used a Replacement jutsu to avoid being hit by Naruto's followup punch. The log... well, it didn't look very log-like after Naruto connected with it. More like a flying cloud of splinters and otherwise unconnected chunks of wood.

"Naruto!" chided Kakashi. "This is a friendly spar."

"Sorry, Kakashi-sensei," responded Naruto as he dodged Sasuke's attack. "I just got the strength and stuff, guess I don't control it all that well."

"I see," said Kakashi. Judging from Sasuke's expression, he understood that as well and had just shifted to a 'dodge like your life depended on it' strategy. "Okay, stop."

Sasuke was breathing hard. Naruto was quite obviously not.

"Uhm, Kakashi-sensei," began Naruto, looking very uncertain. "You've... I mean... I need some advice."

"Oh?" asked Kakashi. Naruto was quite nervous about this? "I'm not going to teach any new jutsu until you master the ones you already have."

"Errr, ehm, that's not it," said Naruto nervously. "It's kinda not related to that so much. But you are my sensei and all."

Sasuke glanced at Naruto, also not used to seeing Naruto acting bashful.

"I just heard that some girl might... actually kind of... like me," began Naruto.

Kakashi twitched, his visible eye widening.

Sasuke snorted. A girl might like NARUTO? World was coming to an end, sign of the Apocolypse.

"I really don't think Sakura likes you," said Kakashi.

"At all," added Sasuke.

"More like tolerate you with a side order of contempt," added Kakashi.

"He's being generous," said Sasuke.

"Not her," growled Naruto at this tag-team approach. "I was asking Kakashi-sensei, teme."

"So this hypothetical girl, is she bigger than a breadbox?" asked Kakashi.

"Yeah, she's just under my height I guess," said Naruto, wondering what a breadbox was and how that entered into any sort of consideration on the problem.

"So you're not dating your Centerfold Jutsu?" asked Sasuke.

"NO!" responded Naruto, glaring at Sasuke. Shouldn't he be going off and brooding?

"So what's the problem?" asked Kakashi.

Naruto left off glaring at Sasuke as something he could do later. "I kinda know I just annoy Sakura, so I want to say hello and not screw up. How do I let her know she can talk to me, cause she's always going off and hiding and stuff."

"You're serious?" asked Kakashi. Twelve years old and already asking for dating advice. "She's shy?"

"Uh yeah, I guess so," said Naruto.

"I wish some of those fangirls were shy," mumbled Sasuke, not appreciating the way some of them launched themselves at him.

"So whatta I do?" asked Naruto.

"Hmmmm," hmmmed Kakashi. "I wonder."

"You don't know either, do you?" asked Naruto after a minute had passed.

"No, not so much," said Kakashi, disappearing in a puff of smoke.

"Great," said Naruto. "See you tomorrow, teme."

"Where are you going?" asked Sasuke.

"Going to try and say hello without screwing things up," said Naruto by reply.

Sasuke waited until Naruto had walked out of sight before smirking and starting forward himself. Someone else had girl problems. This might be amusing.

* * *

Toltiir sat back, indulged in a little kiwi jello, and watched the show. Comedy elements were inserted, but he'd made Naruto considerably more badass. Badass wasn't funny in itself per se, but increased Naruto's chances of survival. Toltiir also understood, and had manipulated things, so that the positions of 'Comic Relief Sidekick' and 'Comic Relief Rival' had plenty of potential applicants.

First though, one had to demonstrate something of the changes in the main character that would then cause potential applicants for those two positions to occur.

* * *

Kurenai Yuhi was a jonin and quite experienced, therefore she knew there was a problem a few moments before the attack came. She immediately began a genjutsu, fading from view.

Unfortunately, the intruders weren't slouches either.

"Psychic Jar," called out an attacker as he leapt into the training ground, pointing a jar in the direction of the scarlet-eyed jonin. A mist erupted from Kurenai and began streaming into the jar.

"Kurenai-sensei!" yelped Kiba, rushing forward to engage the enemy.

"Cloudkill," said another attacker, sending a cloud of violet smoke forth from his hands to target the cloud of insects and two of the genin.

"I- I won't let you," began Hinata.

A third attacker appeared behind her and simply slapped a helmet down on top of her head.

The mists abated after a moment, and the first attacker sealed the jar he held as Kurenai's body toppled to the ground.

"I guess the Leaf is as weak as we'd heard after all," said the first attacker.

"Don't bother fighting it," said the third attacker to Hinata. "The helmet there is a chakra-disruptor. It locks your Byakugan and drains off chakra. You can't speak, you can barely move, and whoa."

The first smiled at the girl's attempts to fight back. "That she can still try to fight says you're not as pathetic as we heard. Jimo - just go ahead and tie her up. We'll haul her back."

"Why not just pluck her eyes out?" asked Jimo, the third assailant.

"We can do that later, but she's worth more as breeding material," said the first assaulter. "We... did it just get a lot warmer somehow?"

"Did it just get darker?" asked the second assailant.

"Please tell me that's a genjutsu," said Jimo, glancing up to see what was causing that shadow and not liking what he was seeing.

The first assailant opened the jar again, letting the mists within out as he targetted the new attacker. "Psychic Jar!"

_FWOOM!_

"Oh shi-" began the second assailant before a large paw with many large claws slammed down on him while he was still going through hand seals.

Jimo decided another strategy was better. He tossed a kunai with an explosive note at the struggling jonin, then turned and ran.

* * *

Kurenai Yuhi saw most of it. The 'Magic Jar' jutsu sucked her spirit out of her body and into a prepared jar. She saw the initial attack, the siphoning, the members of her team going down. Then she was in the jar, then she could see again once released. Things turned fuzzy for a few moments when mind and body reconnected.

So she saw the kunai heading her way, the sizzling of the tag on it as it made the trip.

She saw the dragon slap it down, cover it with a paw, and the brief flash of an explosion underneath that paw. Which apparently just stung a little from the reaction.

The dragon sniffed at her, turned its attention to the direction the foreign-nin had gone, and readied itself for running. No, not running. The wings half-furled out and tensed.

"Wait," croaked Kurenai. To her surprise, the dragon did, turning blue eyes to regard her. "I'm coming with you."

The dragon regarded her for a moment, then nodded and lowered his neck.

The creature was easily ten times her length. She managed to get her legs around its neck, then tapped once with her foot to indicate that she was settled in place about as well as she could.

With a snort, the dragon then lifted up into the air and started moving forward.

Kurenai considered the actions of the dragon. The dragon had followed her orders, and had killed two of the three apparently jonin-level assailants.

Unfortunately, the last remaining nin seemed to have fled. After several minutes of search, Kurenai decided something else.

Kurenai Yuhi was quite clever: able to analyze situations, keep track of details, and adapt on the fly to changing situations. Such were the traits that made for a genjutsu specialist.

As she directed the dragon, it made an occasional noise that to her ear sounded like a query.

"Because if you perform a spiral search pattern instead of just heading in a single direction, you're more likely to find a target that has switched direction."

So, when confronted with such, she answered as she would to one of her genin. Calmly explaining the reasoning behind the order if there was time.

"No, we might as well go back. We need to notify the Hokage and check my genin for residual effects of the attack. Also to make sure he didn't double back."

The dragon snorted.

"Yes, well, not all enemy jonin are inclined to be sensible."

The dragon made that interrogative noise again.

"No, I don't speak Dragon, but I'm usually pretty good at guessing. By the way, that attack you used against the first jonin. In the future, you might avoid completely incinerating targets as it is difficult to get information from ash floating on the wind."

The dragon snorted again.

"I understand. Which one of my genin were you protecting?"

The dragon made an odd noise that ended with an interrogative sound.

"Like I said, I'm good with puzzles."

The dragon sighed, and then grunted.

"Ah," said Kurenai. "I should have guessed. She's essentially a princess, or at least a highly placed lady of a noble house."

The dragon made an odd noise.

"Well, yes, it IS traditional for dragons to go stealing away princesses."

The dragon craned his head around to look back at where Kurenai was straddling his neck near the shoulders.

"I'm not approving, I simply stated I understood," said Kurenai. "Though if the dragon wants to save the princess, I think I've heard a few tales like that as well."

The dragon snorted again, this time sounding as if he agreed.

"What's next? An evil prince trying to steal the girl from the dragon?" asked Kurenai.

The dragon snorted and circled the clearing.

"ANBU? And the Hokage?" asked Kurenai as she got a good look. She also noted that the dragon didn't seem intimidated and the Hokage was standing in the middle of the clearing and seemed perfectly fine with the approach of ninety+ tons of dragon.

The dragon's landing was clumsy, but managed to avoid taking out more than a few trees at the far end of the clearing from the gathering.

Kurenai wasted no time in appearing at the Hokage's side, ready to tell the Hokage this wasn't an enemy. Even though she suspected he already knew that.

"Hokage-sama, this dragon -" began Kurenai.

The Hokage held up a hand and when he spoke there was a voice amplification jutsu that carried to the various ANBU, the three genin being helped to their feet, and probably the next two training areas. "Summoning contracts are normally passed from teacher to student and are jealously guarded. Some though are passed along a family line. Naruto Uzumaki has just come into part of his inheritance."

The dragon looked at the Hokage for a few moments, then nodded, took wing again and flew off.

"One of the nin escaped," said Kurenai.

"I already have teams looking," said the Hokage, making a gesture. The various ANBU moved out.

"That... wasn't a summons, was it?" asked Kurenai in a much quieter voice.

"Oh? What else could it be?" asked the Hokage.

"I don't know for certain," said Kurenai Yuhi.

"Hmm, well, let me know if you figure out that puzzle," said the obviously amused old man.

"Does the dragon pose any danger to my genin or the village?" asked Kurenai directly.

"Not deliberately, I'd say," said the Hokage, considering the jonin out of the corner of his eye.

"The dragon admitted he was there to save Hinata," stated Kurenai.

"He said that?" asked the Hokage.

"He nodded," replied Kurenai. "So, if the dragon is a summons, the dragon was directed to save Hinata by that summoner."

"Logical," admitted the Hokage.

"Someone concerned about Hinata's safety," mused Kurenai. "Well, that lets her immediate family out."

"True," agreed the Hokage. "Now, Yuhi. As much as I enjoy the paperwork that goes with the title of Hokage - I have to get back to my duties."

Kurenai watched the Hokage go, then turned to regard the boy in orange clothes who'd come out of the woods to speak with Hinata. That was Naruto Uzumaki, wasn't it? The carrier of the Nine-Tailed Demon Fox. Hmmm.

* * *

"-and so you see, Naruto will need a tutor and I shall eventually be engaged to him," said the woman with the lightly pointed ears. "Though, admittedly, he won't be old enough for me until he's about five or six hundred years old."

"I see," said the Hokage. "What is your dragon-form like?"

"Big," said Keritrasza. "There was a translation function involved as I understand it. When I take my full-size dragon-form, I'm well over a kilometer in length. Shapechanging into a human form is much easier on the surroundings."

"Also less likely to promote panic among the civilian populace," noted the Hokage.

"That too," agreed Keri.

The Hokage looked back and forth amongst the squad of ANBU he'd hand picked for this. They were a small group, of whose loyalty he could be sure of. Added to this select group for sharing this secret were two others. As with the ANBU, their loyalty was such it was unquestionable. Unlike with ANBU, they being brought in on this secret was because the Hokage believed in back-up plans and having someone outside his normal chain-of-command and channels would be useful in a pinch.

Inoichi Yamanaka met the Hokage's eyes and gave a slight nod. With a connection, even tenuous as this was, he could tell if someone was speaking falsehoods.

Ibiki Morino, head of Torture and Interrogation, also inclined his head slightly.

"If you would transform briefly," said the Hokage. "Here you are outside the village but nearby. We'll simply explain the dragon appearance as a boss summons, Naruto's form as a secondary summons. That way any time you do show up -"

"It'll be seen as remarkable but give them an explanation they can accept within their current worldview," noted Keritrasza. "Something that can be explained is always less frightening than the unexplained. Very well then. For references. I can adjust the form's size through my shapechanging ability, but this is my natural form within your world."

One moment the woman was there, then a blur that expanded and kept expanding. When she was done there was a dragon.

"She's bigger than the Nine-tails," noted Cat.

"More massive, better armored," noted Ibiki. His eyes looked for any weaknesses and gradually picked out the least armored and therefore most vulnerable places. Getting to them in a fight might be difficult though.

The dragon's eyes met his, and he saw that yes - if it came to it this would be a most formidable opponent. She would know those weaknesses and cover them.

"What did you say her cover identity would be?" asked Wolf.

"She's indicated a desire for her cover identity to be that of a shrine priestess," said the Hokage as the dragon lifted onto her hind legs and spread wings - looking even more impressive.

Then she sent a beam of violet energy heavenwards and impressive ceased to be an adequate term.

"She's going to help defend the village if we're ever attacked, right?" said Inoichi.

The dragonform shifted back to the human woman from earlier. Who then settled her cloak around her shoulders and otherwise looked unassuming.

"That's right," said the Hokage. "Part of the agreement was for assistance in such disasters - so long as Naruto is part of the village and treated as such by those in authority."

"From what I've seen you are as fair as circumstances allow you," said Keri.

"You said Naruto will be engaged to you in several hundred years," said Inoichi. "Does that mean he will be alive centuries from now?"

"Yes, dragons such as we can live for millenia," answered the dragon. "And if you are thinking about your daughter, that would be no problem at all."

"Eh?" asked Inoichi. "Well, actually I hadn't. It wouldn't work anyway as she's the heir of my clan. Necessary for children to eventually inherit the mantle and such."

"Again, it would be no problem at all," the dragon assured him. "It might actually be fun to watch over a clan or two for a few millenia."

Inoichi stared, his mind trying to grasp the implications of what was being said.

"So, Naruto Uzumaki can still have human children?" asked Ibiki, having grasped certain concepts and coming to consider them in a thoughtful manner.

"Oh yes," said Keri, acknowledging the scarred man with an inclination of her head. "That would actually start a bloodline with enhanced abilities. I don't understand the equations completely myself, but it looks as if the mother's abilities would be enhanced with a minor longevity trait and exceptional physical resilience thrown in."

Everyone present was a ninja. Everyone present grasped the potential implications of that.

* * *

It was the sort of Shinto-esque shrine one might expect in a backwoods part of Japan. That it had appeared overnight but looked as if it had been there for a few decades was just one of the odd things about it.

Then there was the tall redhaired woman who was sweeping the front steps. Since the days of Kushina Uzumaki there had been nobody within Konohagakure that had possessed hair of close to that shade.

Wearing the white and red traditional shrine priestess clothing, her hair tied back with a simple white ribbon, the young woman tended her shrine simply.

The Hokage and a few ANBU came by at one point to speak with the woman, but otherwise her first day was quiet.

The same could not be said for everywhere else in Konoha unfortunately.

* * *

Kurenai had gone back over the conversation with the Hokage and realized that the Hokage had implied that Naruto was the one with the dragon contract, but she also noted that he never outright stated that.

She was a jonin. Jonin were supposed to be able to pick up on things like that.

She had also observed that Naruto had spoken to Hinata, who had nodded and blushed and twiddled her fingers a lot. That had gone on until Kiba had gotten fed up with the situation and begun the self-appointed task of driving off the intruder.

Kurenai Yuhi had noted that, and had noted one other interesting little thing. Akamaru had been VERY reluctant to approach Naruto. What that meant - she was still puzzling out. It could be as simple as Naruto having had the scent of the dragon still on him from having summoned him.

As today's D-Rank mission involved manning one of Konoha's gates and checking for contraband, she had lots of time to consider the various puzzles presented her on the previous day.

"So," said Kurenai when Kiba was talking to Shino across the street and there was a break in foot traffic, "you like this Uzumaki boy?"

Hinata eeped, turned red, and began playing with her fingers again as she stammered some indistinct reply.

Kurenai raised one eyebrow slightly, interpreting that as a 'yes' with the qualifier that she hadn't actually told the boy in question.

As the boy had approached Hinata, he either suspected or had just learned of it. It was all there for someone who knew how to look at body language.

Interesting.

* * *

"Juggle eggs?" asked Naruto, looking completely baffled.

"That's right," said Kakashi Hatake. "You mentioned that your bloodline just activated and you were obviously having trouble controlling your strength yesterday. So now you learn to control that strength."

"Oh, I get it," said Sakura. "He has to be able to control his strength and be precise, or he'll just break the eggs."

"Eggsactly," said Kakashi.

"Or the yolk would be on me?" asked Naruto.

"You'd better get cracking," advised Kakashi, holding up the carton of eggs.

Sasuke winced. Puns, why did it have to be puns?

"Oh, so what will we be doing?" asked Sakura, indicating Sasuke.

"Stamina training," said Kakashi, producing two large backpacks. "After all, if Naruto spars with either of you now - you might die. Best to work on your stamina and avoidance skills."

"UGH!" said Sakura, barely managing to lift the heavy backpack and begin shrugging it into place. "What's in this? It weighs a ton!"

"Only about 50kg actually," said Kakashi. "Now is when the bees should show up."

"Bees?" asked Sakura, looking around. Then one landed on her arm.

Sasuke looked to the side, turned pale, and began running with the backpack firmly in place.

"Why, what did you-" Sakura looked, paled, and began running.

The swarm of bees darted after the two genin.

"I'll have to thank Anko for this idea," mused Kakashi as the two other genin sped off into the distance.

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTES:

There will be a part two. i dunno when it'll all get posted. Nor am i sure how far i'll take it, though i keep getting ideas for this. 


	18. Chapter 18: Spiral Dragon, part 2

**Another Fistful Of Omake**

by Greylle

DISCLAIMER: Original series belong to someone else.  
NOTE: The following is just an idea that came to me and started developing. Not sure how long i'll keep going on it.

Omake 18: Spiral Dragon, part two  


* * *

"I officially hate you," said Sasuke, applying fresh salve to the bee stings covering his left arm.

Sakura whimpered.

"Why is she wearing a bag over her head?" asked Kakashi.

"She fell down," said Sasuke. "Swarmed."

"Oh, I guess she wasn't ready for that level of training," said Kakashi.

"Agreed," said Sasuke.

"We'll have to work her up to that level," said Kakashi. "What could I use that's a little slower than bees?"

Sakura whimpered again.

"Anko has some pretty good ideas about training," said Kakashi thoughtfully.

"Right, she's the one who came up with the bee avoidance exercise?" asked Sasuke, taking out a little notebook.

"Yes, Anko Mitarashi. What's that anyway?"

"Vengeance list," said Sasuke, writing the name down and then putting the notebook away.

"Naruto, how's the eggercize going?" asked Kakashi of his final genin.

"Eggsactly as you might eggspect," said Naruto, happy to throw puns around.

"Let me guess," said Sasuke. "You were a smash?"

"The yolk was on me all right," responded Naruto.

"Please stop," said the kunoichi in their midst.

"The voice of eggsaspiration," noted Kakashi.

"Maybe she's trying not to crack up," observed Sasuke, who didn't think losing to Naruto in ANYTHING was particularly acceptable or maybe it was just the bee stings irritation.

"Well, we've got a mission to get to," said Kakashi. "There's the Hiryu Shrine, a nice little place that's just set up. We'll work on Sakura's endurance, Sasuke's avoidance skills, and Naruto's strength control after it."

* * *

"Hello, I am called 'Keri'," said the shrine priestess. "Hello cousin."

"Eh?" asked all three genin.

"That's you, Naruto," said Keri.

"Eh?" asked all three genin.

"I've got a relative?" asked Naruto.

"Distant," said Keri. "I'm also to instruct you in fuuinjutsu, so I specifically requested Team 7 for assistance. I expect that if you do a good job, I may have to do so again in the future."

"You're related to Naruto?" asked Sakura, taking the bag off in order to see more clearly.

"Yes, and... what happened to you child?" asked Keri.

"Training accident," supplied Kakashi.

"Come along," said Keri, shaking her head. "I can't have you greeting petitioners looking like that."

* * *

Kakashi had found a little stone bench under a tree and begun reading. It was a pleasant morning, things were going well, but he was distracted by the shrine priestess. She had the red hair that Kushina had, and it was possible that she was a relative. Uzumaki were pretty rare though after the fall of Whirlpool.

"Here we go," said Keri's voice, prompting Kakashi to look up and begin staring.

Sakura and the priestess were wearing the traditional white and red of shrine priestesses, but it was Sakura having a freshly-scrubbed look and a lack of swelling that caught his attention.

"You think I can learn to do that?" asked Sakura.

"Medical jutsu? If you've got good chakra control, I've a scroll on the basics," said Keri. "Now if you'll sweep this area? This is mainly to be obviously here and able to provide for visitors. I've already got Naruto working on some stone engraving and Sasuke is working on repairs of the warehouse."

"Really?" asked Sakura thoughtfully.

"It really is important at your age to think about specialization of your ninja skills, so you can concentrate your efforts there," said Keri, glancing up at Kakashi. "Unless of course, you're the famed 'Copy Nin' who is good at everything."

"Well, we can't all be as awesome as me," said Kakashi, smiling to indicate he wasn't completely serious. Though his mask was blocking most of that smile.

"So, if it meets your training schedule?" asked Keri, raising an eyebrow.

Kakashi hesitated. There was more going on here than just what was visible on the surface. He was sufficiently experienced that he could get a feeling for a potential opponent's raw power - and he was currently getting the feeling he was facing someone of Kage-level power. He was also getting absolutely no threat from that individual, but there was something _off_ about her.

Kakashi waited until the woman was off instructing Sakura on what the various plaques, wards, prayer strips, and fortune telling procedures were. Acting as if he was just idly scratching an itch, he moved the forehead protector away from his Sharingan eye for just a moment.

When he pulled it back down, he was a little more confused.

* * *

"Do you think this year will be any different?" asked the old woman.

"Maybe," said the old man. "The sea monsters are new, so maybe that'll provide the excuse they're looking for."

"Maybe with the sea monsters, this is the year my group has been waiting for," said the old woman.

"That old prophesy? The dragon god?" The old man shook his head. "No, the shrine maidens are good for business, but we've got enough problems with sea serpents. No way there's any such things as dragons in this day and age."

* * *

Kakashi waited until Sakura was off sweeping before coming up behind the shrine priestess.

"Something wrong?" asked the miko.

"I'm pretty sure Naruto doesn't have any living relatives," said Kakashi.

"Mostly true, in all this world, there is no closer relative to Naruto than I am," responded the priestess. "So why not ask the Hokage about me? Or the nice ANBU across the street."

Kakashi frowned, extending his senses to find - yes there was one there. Very good at being hidden too, if his attention hadn't been called to it - he might not have detected that one until something had required movement.

"That one's 'Cat' - Yugao Uzuki. Sword-wielder," said Keri. "She's safe."

"'Safe'?" asked Kakashi.

"One of the problems with wood is that it rots, particularly wood that is kept deep in the shadows and moistness of underground," said Keri, giving all apparent attention to Sakura's sweeping.

"I don't understand," said Kakashi.

"Actually, I think you do understand, you're just fishing for more information," said Keri. "How about a brief spar after your mission tomorrow? Will that settle you any?"

"Why tomorrow?" asked Kakashi.

"Energy barrier seals have to be emplaced," said Keri. "That way we can demonstrate the skill level that they need to aspire to. I might be able to get some of those chakra-replenishing orbs if you need some."

"They're called 'soldier pills'," said Kakashi.

"Oh yes," said Keri. "That's right. Silly name though. You have conscript forces here in the Land Of Fire - but as they are not ninja don't actually use them. Only ninja use them, so you'd think they'd call them 'ninja pills' or something."

"I wasn't involved with the naming of those," protested Kakashi.

Keri merely shrugged a little in reply. "There are many things about ninja life which don't make a lot of sense to me. Though tomorrow you can work some of that frustration off."

"Why not today?" asked Kakashi, pulling the cover off his Sharingan and charging up a chidori. It was just a bluff to get this woman to reveal who she really was.

He wasn't expecting the woman to turn, grab his hand, and slam his active chidori into her chest before releasing his hand - all in an eyeblink. Really, of all the moves one would EXPECT of a potential opponent faced with an 'instant-kill' jutsu, wouldn't that be among the least expected responses?

"KAKASHI-SENSEI?" screamed Sakura, who had looked up from her sweeping to find their sensei assaulting their client.

_Poink poink!_

Kakashi frowned as the still-active chidori dented the woman's breasts under her hakama but didn't seem to be able to penetrate her skin.

"KAKASHI-SENSEI?" yelled Naruto, drawn by Sakura's scream.

_Poink poink!_

"WOULD YOU STOP FEELING UP THE CLIENT?" yelled Sakura, truly aghast at this development.

The shock of what had just happened caused Kakashi Hatake to drop the technique. Of course, none of his genin would recognize the chidori for what it was. And he realized that if he explained it, that really wouldn't help that much.

"Honestly," said Keri, shaking her head. "In front of children no less! Very well, Kakashi Hatake! I challenge you to a duel for my honor! You don't know me nearly well enough to take such liberties!"

"Uhm, so does that mean if I knew you better..." said Kakashi, who then shut his mouth as he realized how his gathering genin, the arriving ANBU Cat, and a few shrine-goers who were now watching would interpret that.

"Armor Piercing Slap Jutsu!"

* * *

Team 7 watched from the sidelines. They noted the presence of ANBU nearby, who also watched.

Keri settled into place on one side, then made a couple of quick gestures. Blue sigils glowed brightly in response, and a blue box seemed to form over the section before fading to a barely-there translucency.

"What exactly does this barrier do?" asked Kakashi, looking over the sigils behind him.

"It's easily dispelled if one strikes one of the seals maintaining it," explained Keri. "However it will serve to contain our battle to this single field. It would not do for one of our attacks to stray out and destroy a building."

"I see, then shall we begin?" asked Kakashi, curious to see what this 'shrine maiden' could do. He uncovered his usually-concealed eye to study his opponent the better.

"As you will," said Keri, settling into a horse-stance then bringing her arms up into an 'X' in front of her. "Kongou Style! Demon Wind Blades!"

Kakashi dodged as the two scythe-forms of wind projectiles went sailing past him. "Earth Release: Earth Style Wall!"

* * *

Sasuke blinked as walls of rock were formed, then chopped through by wind blades. "Interesting."

"Kakashi-sensei can move pretty fast when he wants to," noted Naruto.

"He just formed spears of earth to throw at your relative," said Sakura to Naruto, though she didn't turn away from the fight. "She broke them with her bare hands?"

"She's pretty strong," noted Naruto.

"He just formed walls around her and tried to crush her with them," said Sakura. "That was impressive, even if she was able to break the walls apart."

"What?" asked Sasuke. "She combined fire and lightning to throw... whatever that was at him."

"Plasma?" asked Sakura, guessing.

"He used a substitution jutsu. That log... just liquified where the attack hit it," said Sasuke, eyes wide and wishing he knew that particular attack. That looked suitably painful.

"Looks like Kakashi-sensei has decided to try taijutsu," noted Naruto as Kakashi dove in.

"Popcorn?"

Team 7 all stared as the Hokage offered them a red-and-white striped bag of the snack.

* * *

Kakashi Hatake was impressed. The shrine maiden didn't know that much ninjutsu, but her strength was considerable. Even more so than Naruto's newfound strength.

Diving in, he slammed a kick into the woman that she was able to block but which still would have at least caused Guy to grunt from the impact.

Instead she DELIBERATELY signalled an attack which he avoided and which then cratered the ground for a good six feet. Yeah, avoiding it DID seem like a good idea.

The woman was significantly tough and powerful enough to count as a significant threat even to him, and she was also pointing out how much he'd been slacking lately.

He hadn't had gone this full out in a long time, and Kakashi could feel the burn in muscles and fatigue building up.

Here came another set of not-quite-accurate hand-seals, but it was her taking a deep breath that made it clear what was about to come.

Oh, avoiding it sounded like a very good plan at the moment. Maybe taijutsu wasn't his best choice here.

A glimpse of extra people in the audience, including the Hokage, made it clear that he was expected to show off. Well, how about... "Water Release: Water Drowning Technique!"

It was nice of his opponent to put so many water barrels off to the side within the barrier. Not that he didn't think it was deliberate, but now with the water hosing her down - maybe she'd slip up finally and reveal something.

"Kongou Style: Breath Of The Dragon!"

Okay, that definitely sounded like something to avoid. "Water Style: Water Dragon!"

Water Dragon slammed into the sparkling red-yellow blast and steam resulted. With the majority of the red-yellow crackling whatever moving onward and creating a fairly deep crater. That looked like a good cue to end the fight by using a flash move behind her and placing a kunai point against the back of her neck.

As promised, her hands came up in a surrender gesture. Which was good, as he had been running low on chakra by this point.

* * *

"You needed to see me, Kakashi?" asked the Hokage, sitting back in his chair. He put the thumb of one hand against the forefinger of the same hand, then made a quick flicking gesture - rewarded with a small flame appearing around his thumb that he lit his pipe with.

"That shrine maiden... Naruto's aunt," said Kakashi.

"Activate level 4 wards," said the Hokage, making a one-handed seal which crackled with chakra.

Kakashi's eye widened slightly. Level 4 wards were pretty tough, indicating that there were S-Class secrets involved. They weren't routinely used because the fuuinjutsu required to make them was fairly complicated and always having to be updated in order to deal with the newest eavesdropping techniques.

"Do you remember the large 'boss summons' from the other day?" asked the Hokage.

"I somehow missed it, but I've..." Kakashi felt certain impossible suspicions click together.

The Hokage sat back in his chair and started making a chain of smoke rings.

"That's..." Kakashi stopped again. "No. That can't be right."

"Hmmm?" hmmmed the Hokage, letting his subordinate work it through.

"She's the boss summons?" asked Kakashi finally.

"Yes, and..." The Hokage let that trail off.

"But when I had Naruto demonstrate his summoning technique to me in private, he had the gestures right but he didn't manage to draw blood and the summoning wasn't a summoning," said Kakashi, continuing to work things through. "It looked more like a shadow clone and a substitution." It was just that the answer he kept coming up with was something his mind just balked at.

"He is indeed the child of Minato Namikaze and Kushina Uzumaki," supplied the Hokage. "However, there is more to his heritage than was originally thought."

"Naruto, who is the child of the Fourth Hokage, and the jinchuriki of the Nine-tailed Demon Fox, is..." Kakashi's voice trailed off again as his mind saw the conclusion and just did NOT want to go there.

"Able to take the form of a heavily armored, plasma-fire wielding, flies fairly quickly, dragon," said the Hokage. "It's a good thing he's a bit more thoughtful than he was in the Academy, isn't it?"

Kakashi Hatake, famed copy-nin and former ANBU captain, considered fainting. "So..."

"So Naruto still needs training, but as his sensei you should know that there may be... special needs," said the Hokage.

"When Sasuke awakens his Sharingan, he'll be able to figure it out," said Kakashi. "How far off are the Chunin Exams?"

"Another three months, why?" asked the Hokage.

"Gai will be entering his team," said Kakashi, a peculiar glitter in his visible eye.

"And you want your team to grind his into the dust?" asked the Hokage, sounding bemused.

"Who, me? The thought hardly ever entered my mind," said Kakashi, who then sighed. "This is going to cut into my reading time."

"I've got a C-Rank mission that might interest you," said the Hokage, beginning to smirk.

"A 'C-Rank'? They've barely begun 'D-Rank' missions," pointed out Kakashi.

"This is a request from Fortune Beach," said the Hokage. "The Miss Beach competition is being threatened by sea monsters."

"Fortune Beach is over a week's travel away... Ah." Kakashi tried to look disinterested and failed to pull it off to Hiruzen Sarutobi's discerning eye. "How fast can Naruto fly?"

"He can be there in less than a day, I'd think," responded the Hokage with amusement.

"I see," said Kakashi thoughtfully. "Might be a good place to have the genin train while I keep an eye on the contestants."

* * *

There was a beach with warm blue crystal-clear waters. White sand beaches. What was very frequently a clear blue sky. A warm water current kept the place comfortably warm year round.

The person who founded the little town there realized what he had found. His family still controlled the little settlement, even if it WAS technically in the Land Of Fire and the daimyo ruled it. He had been related to the daimyo of that time anyway, so it was sort of a family post. Since then, a few more families had joined but it was still a fairly small community with a few large families involved.

There was an island not too far off, it had some odd customs but was enough to provide many supplies and assistance during the rough early years. The two communities remained close long after Fortune Beach became much bigger and more populous than Okitsushima.

After the Second Shinobi War wrecked most of the place, it had rebuilt and someone had come up with the idea of a Miss Beach Contest. That person was a famous wandering author who set one of his novels in the area, further increasing the notoriety of Fortune Beach.

Kakashi Hatake had a chance to have a mission that would take him to Fortune Beach. To guard a Miss Beach Contest. While sampling their famous seafood, sitting on white sand beaches, having cool ocean air blowing through his hair, warm inviting waters. Well curved young ladies who might need their backs oiled by mysterious ninja..

"Kakashi? Kakashi? Ahem. Kakashi!"

"We'll take it," said Kakashi.

"You sure your team's up to it?" asked the Hokage, not seemingly surprised.

"Naruto is a heavily armored dragon, Sasuke is... Sasuke. We'll manage," said Kakashi.

"What about the third member of your team?" asked the Hokage, more bemused than anything else because he could tell Kakashi was already fantasizing. Of course, he was professional enough that while he was there he'd focus on the actual mission. So it was good to get the fantasies out of the way now.

"Who? Oh, Sakura..." Kakashi considered. "They have a junior division in that contest, right? I can give her her first undercover assignment."

* * *

"What's going on, Kakashi-sensei?" asked Naruto. "You said we have a long-term mission."

"Yes, unless you really want to catch Tora again..." Kakashi let his voice trail off.

"Heck no!" said Sakura. "For some reason that cat's scared to death of Naruto, and I always end up carrying it! The scratches take over a day to heal!"

"Okay, then," said Kakashi. "We have a C-Rank mission."

"A C-Rank!" exclaimed Naruto excitedly. "That's good right?"

Kakashi patiently explained the mission ranking system, noting that Naruto seemed to be listening and actually understanding it.

"So this mission takes us outside the village or could be dangerous?" asked Naruto, still enthusiastic. "Cool!"

Sasuke nodded and a slight smile could be seen if one looked for it.

"So we'll be going for about two weeks," said Kakashi. "Normally we wouldn't be able to do a mission like this, but because of Naruto's summoning abilities - we have the transportation covered."

"Naruto has a summons?" asked Sakura. "What's he summon - gerbils?"

"No. Do you need any special preparations for your summons to carry passengers?" asked Kakashi of Naruto.

"If not gerbils, it has to be something else pathetic, right Sasuke?" asked Sakura.

Sasuke frowned, wondering if the dobe had FURTHER uses than freak strength.

"Yeah," said Naruto, thinking. "I need..."

"A harness," said Keri, walking up with a large scroll.

"You know about this?" asked Kakashi.

"The Hokage let me know that my dear relative was going off, I wanted to make sure you got off safely," said Keri, taking a small pack off and handing it to Kakashi. "I've included some scrolls in there marked for each of them to study. In this scroll I've sealed an appropriate harness. Release!"

A large harness arrangement of thick rope with buckles appeared.

"That's... huge," noted Sakura. "But Naruto... with a summons?"

"Why NOT me with a summons?" asked Naruto, frowning.

"Because summoning contracts are some of the most powerful and versatile techniques out there," explained Sakura, eager to show off her knowledge. After all, Naruto's new freakish strength was making her look like she was less valuable to Sasuke then NARUTO. That was unacceptable, so she'd HAVE to show off where she really shone - which was information. "They're jealously guarded by those who have access to such things. Not just anyone can have the chakra reserves and access to them!"

"That's very true, Sakura," said Kakashi in an almost bored tone. "I have a set of ninja dogs that I use as summons myself, who are mainly used for messengers or reconn. However, you are wrong on one important detail."

"I'll eat your mask if Naruto has a summoning contract," argued Sakura. "Sasuke - definitely. I could see Sasuke with an awesome summons. But - Naruto?"

"This isn't a standard summoning sequence because our contract is somewhat different," said Keri to Naruto, having used the opportunity to show Naruto the appropriate hand signs. "It's a family thing. Now try it."

Naruto tried the hands signs, then clapped his hands together. "SUMMONING!"

_BAMF!_

There was abruptly Naruto sitting atop fifty feet of heavily armored dragon.

Sakura's eyes were blank little circles as she stared, slump-shouldered, jaw hanging down and gently creaking in the wind.

"Hnn," was Sasuke's comment, nodding once at the dragon. Now THIS was transportation with style.

"Now help me get this harness on," said Keri, lifting one section up. "Step into the loops here like this."

"Ah, I see how it goes," said Kakashi, moving to one of the other holes.

Sasuke watched for a moment, nodded, then went to an appropriate section opposite Naruto and began assisting.

"Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba..." offered Sakura, managing to point. "kai?"

"Ah, there are sections where bags can be tied into place," noted Kakashi as he clicked fasteners together. "That's handy."

"It can be adjusted too," Keri explained. "There's some stretch in it, and the material is pretty tough but it can be cut. Something to watch out for if there's airborne combat."

"Airborne combat?" asked Sasuke, pausing as he cinched a section tighter. Then patted the dragon in apology at the displeased rumble from the creature.

"KAI!" tried Sakura more forcefully.

"Hmm," said Kakashi thoughtfully. "In combat you could carry several high level ninja aloft. Who could then bring ranged jutsu into play, using those belts to hook directly onto the harness to leave their hands free. I can see where that could be useful."

"Hadn't thought of that," rumbled the dragon in an extremely deep and powerful voice.

"Well, it's something to keep in mind," said Kakashi.

"Ta-ta-ta-talked?" observed a still completely freaked out Sakura.

"Of course I talked," rumbled the dragon, neglecting to mention that he was still getting used to being a dragon and had only recently worked that part out. "Why wouldn't I?"

"Species-ist," complained Keri.

"She'll have to get over that," said Kakashi.

"Hnn," agreed Sasuke.

"Okay," said the shadow clone impersonating the real Naruto. "Got this part done. We ready?"

Everyone glanced towards Sakura, who was still staring at the dragon.

"I'm not putting out the dragonfear aura, am I?" asked the dragon.

"No, well, maybe a little," said Keri after considering that. She finally just sighed, went over to Sakura, and picked up the kunoichi. "First time exposed to dragonfear or 'killing intent' - which is different but similar?"

"Hardly noticeable," said Sasuke, who knew REAL killing intent.

"Ne ne," said Kakashi, making a placating gesture. "Give her some slack. Best she get used to it in small amounts, build up some resistance. Oh, and Sakura?"

"E-eh?" asked Sakura, who'd gone from stiff to shaky at this point.

"No, you may not eat my mask," Kakashi solemnly informed her.

Keri checked the tethers and belts that kept the ninja secured to their dragon, even the shadow clone impersonating the real Naruto, and finally nodded after checking the supplies.

Stepping back away from the group, she spoke directly to the dragon. "Curl your tail underneath you when you push off, you'll shove with that as well as your rear legs, and don't go too high. Your passengers will have less trouble breathing if you keep it to about mountain-height. Judge your altitude from the clouds. Don't go up to the highest cloud level until you're a lot older. Watch your speed too. You need to find a nice cruising speed that you can keep up for a long period of time, don't go too fast or you'll tire. Not to mention you've got passengers who need to be able to breathe."

"Got it," said the dragon, nodding.

"You catch all that Naruto?" asked Keri of the shadow clone in the most forward seat.

The Naruto clone impersonating Naruto nodded. "Thanks aunty."

"Hmph, more of a distant cousin," said Keri. "You passengers - get good grips on take-offs and landings. Those are the trickiest parts of a flight and your dragon is still young and inexperienced. Everyone ready?"

"Yes!" "Ready." "We're really going to fly? Wait 'inexperienced'?" "Believe it!"

"Then take off!" said Keri, making a slashing motion with one arm.

The dragon leapt into the air.

* * *

This... this was cool.

Sasuke Uchiha had the excellent vision that his clan normally had. After the initial crushing g-force of the 'take-off' things had levelled out and they were soaring over a carpet of green. Those were tree-tops down there. WAY down there. You could see the horizons in all directions, at a distance that you simply could not understand when you were stuck on the ground. You could see so far, so clearly.

"How high are we?" shouted Kakashi to Naruto over the wind of their passage.

"About eight thousand feet," shouted Naruto.

Sasuke blinked and leaned out as far as his tether would allow. That was pretty high up.

Yes, this was actually pretty cool. And they were travelling quickly. Didn't this mean that they would be able to take on missions in distant areas? Sakura was right, summons WERE useful and versatile.

* * *

Kakashi glanced towards the shadow clone of Naruto, then back up to the dragon's head. Easily fifty feet long, then factor in the tail length. The takeoff had been rough, Sakura had squeaked as they all felt the sudden leap forward. After getting some altitude though - things had smoothed out.

"How high are we?" yelled Kakashi to Naruto. On Naruto's reply, Kakashi simply nodded and flipped open his book to start reading. At that altitude most attacks were out of range. Considering their speed, which was considerable, anyone that tried to target them would have to overcome both obstacles in order to strike. In which case they'd have to get airborne themselves and try to match speeds. If they did any of that, he'd have time to mark his place in the book and secure it before dealing with the threat.

Kakashi glanced at Sasuke, who was holding onto his tether and looking down at the ground. Probably judging their speed and altitude for himself. Kakashi also saw a brief grin there, but it was gone a moment later.

Then there was Sakura, who had been so reluctant to get on the dragon in the first place.

* * *

The breed was Adamantine Dragon, but it was not a precise copy. Especially as the set of universes with the original Bytopian Adamantine Dragon had been revised and rewritten. Yes, again.

So Naruto was fifty feet long of heavily armored dragon that was currently flying at around 8000 feet in altitude and managing at a little over 100mph.

Ninja running and leaping was fairly fast, in comparison to civilians walking. Some were at least as fast as a horse would have been, some faster. There were a few who could go this fast without a dragon. Not many though.

Sakura had started out terrified nearly beyond all rationality. Naruto, not known for self-control, had summoned a creature big enough that she herself qualified as "bite-sized nugget" to it. Armored plates covering it that she was quite sure her kunai would not penetrate. Eyes that seemed to look deep into her soul and strip away secrets. Claws like daggers, teeth like swords. And when it seemed that "Sakura McNugget" was a fate for her future, the summoned beast had spoken.

The threat level had lowered as it had spoken, though the voice had been very deep and inhuman sounding. Which made sense because the chest cavity was very large and the neck was very long and the mouth wasn't shaped very humanly.

Then she'd watched, still unable to move much, while the others of her team and that shrine priestess had fitted the harness together. Tethers on spring-hook arrangements linked belts to harness. The dragon had looked back in concern as it was all done.

The priestess had batted her hands away at one point, using the same sort of strength that Naruto seemed to have nowadays, and linked her into the same sort of tether arrangement.

All too soon she was being crushed under sudden acceleration as their ride got moving. Once that was over, she slowly opened her eyes.

It was beautiful.

The sun was bright overhead, there were clouds above them, the sky was blue, and she could see further in all directions than she'd ever managed to do before this.

There was hardly any effort involved, just keeping a grip on the harness with a couple of loops that one leg was threaded through. The tether-belt arrangement was mainly if she slipped or fighting broke out. She understood that.

The wind passing by her, which was actually relatively still air that the dragon was passing through, made talking difficult. She heard Kakashi yell something, Naruto yell back, but couldn't make out what they said. Instead she just looked them over and read the body language that indicated nothing threatening them. Though she was unclear as to what exactly COULD threaten them. If the big armored nasty was actually on their side...

"Faster!" called out Sakura. "Higher!"

Despite the wind generated by their passage, the dragon's head momentarily twisted back to regard her for a moment. It was somewhat surprising that despite the inhuman visage that she could see surprise and then a glimpse of a friendly grin as the dragon turned forward again.

Wings beat the air again, cupping it as the dragon lifted still further.

It took less than an hour at that pace before thick forest gave way to grassy hills and the dragon slowed itself. Himself?

Leaning out as far as her tether allowed, Sakura looked down and determined that they were passing to the left of a sprawling village of some kind on the shores of an ocean. A strip of white sands and then blue waters.

Their forward momentum continued to slow, and then changed into a slow spiral down.

Kakashi slapped his hand down twice on the dragon's hide, causing the head to curl back on that long neck and regard him. Their jonin instructor said something to their ride, to which the dragon nodded. Their angle of descent changed so that they'd land further away from the village.

The reason was clear to Sakura. Keep the dragon as a reserve weapon.

Then their angle of descent changed again, with a sudden feeling of tenseness in the air.

Sakura blinked and tried to see what was ahead of them as their speed picked up and they angled into a steeper dive.

* * *

Sasuke could see it. There was a thin ribbon of something out in the ocean. It was moving though, and fairly quickly. Whatever it was leaving a wake behind it.

Then their dragon did something, a shudder going through its body and a glow building up ahead of it's head. After a few seconds of some thrumming noise in the air, a bolt of crackling energy went flying out ahead of them and impacted just behind and to the left of the ribbon. The ribbon veered away and dove below the water.

By that time he'd already figured out the scale as they continued to dive towards the water. The 'ribbon' was some sort of snake and it was huge. Bigger even than the dragon they were on. Certainly bigger than the ship that he hadn't even been able to see until they were practically there.

The angle changed, turning more shallow and decreasing their speed.

Sasuke glanced towards Naruto, frowning. The dead last loser had just proven that he could contribute more than just that freakish strength he'd developed.

Sasuke had a brief and very satsifying fantasy involving That Man, tomato sauce, and sharp teeth the size and general shape of swords.

* * *

Kakashi was ready for it and signalled his genin, remembering the words from the shrine priestess.

Sure enough, the landing was rough. Naruto would have to practice those well away from the village.

"Okay, we're a distance from the village, we'll walk the rest of the way," said Kakashi, before becoming aware of an awkwardness. The shadow clone and dragon were considering each other.

"Dragon-san," said Kakashi. "If you'd go ahead and investigate where the sea serpent disappeared. And Naruto, go scout around for a place we can hide the harness until we need it again."

The two looked relieved. He'd have to come up with a better way in the future though for "Naruto" to dismiss the "summoned dragon" until he felt ready for sharing the secret with Sakura and Sasuke.

* * *

The beast stood ready, detecting the movement of something getting closer through an extended antennae..

When it was within range, the beast attacked, sending tentacles with fine needles out to grab onto the prey-item. It would be quickly subdued, brought into the water, and devoured.

The tentacles grabbed on, but then the beast found itself being pulled out of the water.

Optical sensors came into play even as the grabber-tentacles tried to sting the prey. Unfortunately it had a tough armoring of scales and-

_CRUNCH!_

The dragon chewed idly on the beast as the bulk of its body thrashed around in its death-throes.

After a few moments, the dragon blurred and shrunk before Naruto grabbed one of the limbs and dragged it back to where Kakashi and company were.

* * *

"So, Kakashi-sensei," Naruto hefted the thing and tossed it to the center of the cleared area (said area having been cleared by a dragon who really needed to work on landings) where it landed with a splunching sort of noise. "What the heck is this?"

Sakura and Sasuke simply went silent as they stared at it.

Kakashi used a kunai to manipulate one of the tentacles. "Hmmm. Let's see. Six tentacles, with little barbs that look like they could contain a poison. A mouth that has teeth like a shark. Eyes aren't very developed. Skin is rubbery but coarse. I'd say that this is..."

There was some silence from all three genin, waiting for the dramatic pause to end.

Finally Sakura broke the silence. "You have no idea either, do you?"

"Meh, Sakura, I'm a ninja not a marine biologist," responded Kakashi. "I'll simply call it a nasty sea monster, number two."

"That giant serpent being the first," guessed Sakura. "What was that the dragon spat at the sea serpent anyway?"

"Plasma, which is lightning and fire chakra combined, I think," said Kakashi. "Very destructive."

"Hnn," Sasuke indicated his interest.

"That reminds me Naruto," said Sakura, going to an "I'm so sweet butter wouldn't melt in my mouth" look. "You ought to let Sasuke sign the Dragon Contract."

"Huh?" asked Naruto. "Why?"

"Because that way we'd have TWO dragons available," explained Sakura, trying to turn up the cute.

"There's a problem with that, Sakura," said Kakashi. "It's a clan technique. Meaning that only members of the Uzumaki clan can access it."

"Oh," said Sakura, deflating slightly.

"So that shrine priestess can also summon a dragon?" asked Sasuke, thinking of various possibilities there.

"As I understand it, yes, she can summon an even larger and more powerful one," said Kakashi.

"Is that all?" asked Sakura. "I knew Naruto didn't have a mother and father, that's one reason he's so immature. No other members of his clan at all?"

"No," said Kakashi. "Were there any more of these creatures Naruto?"

"Just the one, I think," offered Naruto.

"Did you have to drag it all the way, Naruto?" asked Sakura. "You left a trail."

"Hey," protested Naruto. "It's freakin' twenty feet long and it ain't got any bones! How the heck was I supposed to move it other than dragging it?"

Sasuke used a kunai to heft one tentacle, frowning as he had to brace one arm with the other and it was still a strain. When he dropped it, he was considering Naruto with a thoughtful expression.

"So, Naruto," said Kakashi after a few moments. "You and I and Sasuke will go into the village, you're in charge of bringing the monster."

"What about me, Kakashi-sensei?" asked Sakura.

"I have a different angle I want you to explore," said Kakashi.

* * *

"You're here for the Miss Beach contest?" asked the older man.

"Yes, that's right," said the pink-haired girl. "Where do I sign up?"

The old man jerked a thumb at the sign over his head that proclaimed that this was where you signed up for the Miss Beach contest.

"Oh, right, well - I found the right place then," said the girl.

"Junior Division," said the old man, putting a clipboard in front of her. "You get permission from your parents?"

"That's right," said the girl, signing her name.

"'Sakura Haruno'?" asked the old man after taking the clipboard back.

Sakura froze for a second, as she'd automatically signed her real name and not come up with a cover identity. "Ye-yes. That's me."

"No relation to those Haruno up in the Village Of Wild Women, are you?" asked the old man.

"Not that I'm aware of," responded Sakura, honestly not knowing and now wondering herself.

"Good," said the old man. "In three days the contest is supposed to start. Just stick around. Oh, and no killing or maiming or disfiguring the other contestants."

Sakura blinked. "This is a swimsuit contest, isn't it?"

"Yes," said the old man sadly. "That was how it started and all that was ever intended."

"Right," said Sakura, then looking to the side as she saw three familiar figures and a fourth she recognized as one of Naruto's "Sexy Jutsu" but actually wearing clothes. "Are those ninja? Dragging a... what is that?"

"They came?" said the old man, getting up from his seat. "Hot damn. We won't have to cancel after all."

* * *

"So, a dragon?" The old woman frowned thoughtfully as she considered what she'd seen as she got out of the little boat.

"Maybe it was just a sea monster?" asked another old woman.

"It didn't seem equipped for anything 'sea' related actually, and was flying," pointed out an old man.

"We'll head back to Okitsushima," said the second old woman. "You go ahead and verify."

"I'm now a dragon-hunter?" asked the eldest of the three, shaking her head. " Yae Nagumo, dragon hunter. Hmph. I like the sound of that. Fine. We still have to get ready for the festival. Chie, I'm counting on you to handle the preparations."

The second old woman, nodded. "Nothing I haven't handled for a few decades anyway. At this point, being minus a single pair of hands won't be a bother."

* * *

"That's one of 'em, all right." The old man adjusted his cap and spat to the side. "Lessee. Eight eyes, two mouths, six tentacles, twenny feet long. That'll be 20,000 ryo. I'll give ya a chit for it. Just cash it at the bank."

Sasuke blinked, Naruto gaped.

"That's all?" asked Kakashi.

"Well, we ain't all that wealthy here ya know," said the old man. "At least lately. We're a resort beach, but with these monsters running around - business ain't doing too well."

"How much would that big snake-thing have been?" asked Naruto.

"If it be the one I be thinking of, about 500,000 ryo," said the old man. "That one's gone after ships."

"Oh?" asked Kakashi, seemingly not interested.

"Yeah, shipping companies putting that much forward," said the old man, sticking his hand out. "You're that Kakashi Hatake, right? Infamous copy-nin, sometimes known as 'Sharingan Kakashi'?"

"You know of me?" asked Kakashi, raising an eyebrow.

"I've been to Konoha a few times as a client," said the old man. "Name's Kyuujou!"

"Oh?" asked Kakashi.

"Honestly, you'd think you guys didn't want jobs," grumbled Kyuujou. "I've been trying to get you for the Miss Beach contest for a couple years now!"

"Eh?" asked Naruto and Sasuke, making aversion signs.

"As a JUDGE!" added Kyuujou, interpreting their reaction.

"Whew," said Naruto, looking very relieved.

"Very funny, Naru... you have?" asked Kakashi.

"Of course," said Kyuujou. "I've always thought you'd make a great judge!"

"Oh?" Kakashi asked, seemingly bored at the concept.

"It's said that your Sharingan eye misses nothing," said Kyuujou.

"'Sharingan'?" asked Sasuke, getting more curious everytime this was brought up.

"And it is said you appreciate the finer points and ascetics of the female form," said Kyuujou.

"There may be some truth to that," admitted Kakashi.

"Hah! That's a bowl of ramen you owe me!" said Naruto to Sasuke.

"No, he hasn't indicated for sure," said Sasuke.

"What?" asked Kakashi.

"Sasuke was sure you were gynophobic," said Naruto.

"Oh really?" asked Kakashi.

"No," said Sasuke. "Naruto has it wrong."

"I would hope so," commented Kakashi.

"I was pretty sure you just spent all your time reading porn and never actually bothering any real women," said Sasuke. "I've heard it discussed."

"...what?" asked Kakashi, pausing for a few moments. Did people really say that about him?

"Heck, everyone's heard rumors like THAT," said Naruto. "Doesn't mean it's true."

Kakashi considered that for a moment before turning to the old man. "So, is that judge position still open?"

"Sure is," said the old man.

"So I'll be the judge of the adult division," said Kakashi, sounding intrigued. "Oh, and Sasuke here has exceptional vision too. I think he should be a judge for the Junior Division."

"What?" asked Sasuke, looking almost as if he'd been slapped.

"I thought you'd appreciate me getting a little payback, seeing how you value that sort of thing," said Kakashi.

"Point," agreed Sasuke.

"Now, come along, and I'll outline our other plans."

* * *

"Nagumo? You heard?"

"Ah, Bittersmith. I was just looking for you. About the dragon? Yes, saw it myself. More to the point I saw three riders on the dragon. They were going so fast and so high that all I could really make out was their coloration, and one had the most kami-awful orange jumpsuit."

"Well, that should make them easy to find at least. Have you seen Shizuku?"

"She's here? Fate that one of the living sacrifices is here when the dragon returns."

.

* * *

Kakashi looked over his three genin. Or at least two genin and a shadow clone that was acting a bit... girlish.

"Naruto, why is this particular clone..." Kakashi tried to find a way to put it.

"Something weird happened when I tried the Centerfold Jutsu, Kakashi-sensei," said Naruto. "I thought it would be okay if a shadow clone did it."

"Yeah? What's wrong with me?" asked the sexy female shadow clone of Naruto.

"You're walking different, your speech patterns have changed, and you're acting very different," noted Kakashi. "Then there's your clothes."

"Well, I can't wear all orange, Kakashi-sensei," said Naruto-clone. "It really doesn't go with my coloration."

"Uhm," said Naruto. "I thought you weren't wearing it so that you would look more different from me."

"Well, that too, but honestly, you ought to invest in some local clothes too," said Naruto-clone. "After all, it's pretty darn hot. Wardrobe Change No Jutsu can only get you so far."

"Point," agreed Kakashi, but still getting a very weird vibe off the clone. "It's getting to late evening, so that's a concern for tomorrow morning. Right now I want all three of you to scout the area. There's some oddities about this situation."

"Such as?" asked Naruto.

"Sea monsters normally stay away from this area," said Kakashi. "I don't know why, but I haven't heard of them in this area before. Then there's supposed to be some ancient cult here or out on Okitsushima Island. All I've heard about it is that they sacrifice maidens, metaphorically. We'll need to see if the sea monsters are actually because someone's removing the metaphor part."

"Human sacrifice? So Sakura's in danger?" asked Naruto.

"No, but that brings me to my next point though, I'm going to be keeping an eye on Sakura," said Kakashi. "My stealth skills are just better than either of you. Yes, including you Naruto-clone. If any of you run into trouble, use those short-range headsets and head towards the hotel Sakura will be staying at. The Golden Lion."

"Lion's Pride Inn," said Naruto-clone.

"Excuse me?" asked Kakashi.

"Lion's Pride Inn - it's the one that the contestants in Junior division are staying at," said Naruto-clone. "It was on a sign back where we passed Sakura."

"Interesting, it's named after a fictional inn from Icha Icha volume 1," said Kakashi thoughtfully. "I wonder."

"Kakashi-sensei," said Naruto-clone, rolling her eyes. "She's twelve."

"True," admitted Kakashi, sounding disappointed. "Anyway, go find out what you can, Meet me there by twenty-one hundred."

* * *

Shizuku blinked as she saw the three kids walk by, noting the forehead protectors that indicated that they were Konohagakure ninja. A brooding-looking boy, and a younger brother with older sister. An older guy following behind the three.

The three separated after their handler said something to them. Going off in different directions.

Shizuku allowed herself a brief fantasy of being able to act like a normal girl and playing tour guide. After all, these were ninjas if kids not too far off in age from herself. She'd never see them again after all...

"Excuse me!"

Shizuku managed to bite down the feminine shriek and avoid performing a counter-attack. As soon as she caught her breath, and her heartrate went down, she turned.

It was the young blonde boy, looking a little surprised. "Uhm, sorry. Didn't mean to startle you. You know this area right?"

Shizuku blinked for a moment, then put aside her usual mask to smile at the boy. If her kami saw fit to give her a break and grant this selfish wish of hers, why not enjoy it? "Sure? You need a guide?"

* * *

It was the clone who reached him first, just about twenty thirty. Wearing what looked like the sort of outfit a normal girl playing tennis might wear.

"It's going to get VERY hot here tomorrow, Kakashi-sensei," said the Naruto-clone. "I picked you up something to wear to blend in more."

"I'm not exactly known for being a slave to fashion," said Kakashi. He nonetheless took the floral print silk shirt and pants, though he also wondered how the clone knew his sizes.

"Boy, you got THAT right," said Naruto-clone.

"Excuse me?"

"Nothing!" chirped Naruto-clone with a quick salute. "I asked around. May have to do this more often as guys seem really talkative around me, though they don't really seem to want to say anything interesting. Mainly stuff about where they come from and what they do for a living and stuff like that. Still, I figure I found out most of the people don't live around here and are just tourists."

"Naruto, are you really okay?" asked Kakashi.

"Ever since the bloodline activated, my shadow clones have been a little off," admitted the Naruto female clone. "Same with the Centerfold jutsu. But I kinda got used to it after awhile."

"Is that so?" asked Kakashi.

"Do you know they've got a chilled noodle dish here?" asked Naruto-clone. "They've also got chilled ramen. Weird but kinda tasty."

* * *

"So you know this area?" asked Naruto.

"Yes, though I live... elsewhere," said Shizuku. "So you're a ninja?"

"Yup!" said Naruto enthusiastically. "A genin of the Leaf Village, Naruto Uzumaki! My goal is to become Hokage!"

"Hokage's good?" asked Shizuku.

"Hokage is the leader of our village, recognized by all and protector of his village," said Naruto, then getting a puzzled expression. "You don't know that?"

"I live in a very rural area," confessed Shizuku. "I haven't really studied about different areas that much. Recognizing your headband was about as far as I know about ninjas."

"Oh," said Naruto, realizing that there were other things besides being a ninja. Which he'd KNOWN but actually meeting someone who knew nothing about ninja brought that idea home.

"So, I showed you the movie theater, the docks, the market," said Shizuku, counting off things as she walked along.

"We found you."

Naruto frowned at the three stepping out of the alley. "And you are?"

"Dealing with the lady," said the first of the three in the black robes. "Jashin has a use for you, sacrifice."

"My faith has nothing to do with your dark god," said Shizuku.

"Dark god?" asked Naruto.

"Jashin is the Lord Of Slaughter, Emperor Of Murder, Bringer Of Pain, Daimyo of Dentists, and Master of Torturous Death," said the lead Jashinite. "All hail Jashin!"

"All hail Jashin!" chorused the other two.

"Uhm, right," said Naruto. "Never heard of it."

"Of course you've never heard of us," said the lead Jashinite. "We are cloaked in anonyminity and ignorance!"

"And black silk," said the second Jashinite.

"Fine," said the lead Jashinite. "We are cloaked in anonyminity, ignorance, and fine black silk!"

"Yeah," chorused the other two.

"They worship a god of torture and murder," said Shizuku. "They can't understand why everyone doesn't want to immediately sign up."

"Killing you will be a good example as to why they should join now," said the lead Jashinist. "And as a special offer, we'll throw in free sacrificial knives!"

The other two brandished their knives and smiled.

"I'll pass, thank you," said Shizuku.

"Well, then I'll..." the lead Jashinist thrust his blade forward only to have the orange-clad kid grab his hand. "Do you mind? This is the fun part."

Naruto grinned and tightened his grip. Maybe he wasn't as strong in human form as in dragon, but he wasn't exactly weak.

The lead Jashinist tried not to scream as the knife-holding hand was suddenly being subjected to pressure levels not exactly recommended for human bodyparts. As it was he went to his kneee and gritting teeth.

"I think the lady wants you to leave her alone," said Naruto. "I think that's a good idea. What do you guys think?"

"You cannot intimidate a Jashinite with your brute tactics!" declared the second Jashinite.

"Our weapons include fearlessness, bloodthirsty sadism, and a complete disregard for personal hygiene!" declared the third.

"That's 'personal safety'," corrected the second.

"Right, our weapons include anonyminity, ignorance, fine black silk, fearlessness, bloodthirsty sadism, and a complete disregard for personal safety!" said the third.

"I see," said Naruto, letting go of the first's hand, then prying the knife out of it. Then folding the knife up. What made an impression on the three Jashinites was that it was NOT a folding knife.

Shizuru merely stared at what the boy was doing.

"Beach is that way?" asked Naruto of Shizuru.

Shizuru visibly shook herself, considered, and nodded.

* * *

Sasuke was considering how best to go about his search. He didn't really have much experience with the whole 'run around looking for clues' thing.

If only something would stick out as being noteworthy.

"!" _SPLASH!_

Sasuke's eyes tracked the guy in black robes making an arc out over several buildings, then landing out in the water.

Sasuke considered that for a moment, then carefully stepped out of the way.

"!" _THUD!_

"Good thing that sand is soft, ne?" asked Sasuke of the guy flattened on the beach.

"Not. That. Soft," managed the guy in the same black robes as the first one.

"!" _SPLISH!_

"Naruto," realized Sasuke, judging from the amount of strength shown versus the lousy aim.

"Ung," said the one on the beach, as opposed to the one in the surf or the one bobbing in the waves.

"Tell you what," said Sasuke, kneeling down. "I'll get some medical help for you, but first I think I need a few questions answered."

* * *

"Naruto, Sasuke," said Kakashi with a nod. "Any information?"

"Hn," said Sasuke. "There's a cult of a god named 'Jashin' who came here after the first few monster attacks. Apparently they then heard about this dragon cult and decided to take it over."

"So this cult isn't behind the attacks?" asked Kakashi.

"No, though the ones I interrogated weren't sure if a higher level operative of theirs might have started it," said Sasuke. "Apparently they were lower level within the cult and not told all the details."

"Good job, Sasuke," admitted Kakashi. "I wasn't aware you had interrogation skills."

"I just threatened to re-introduce them to Naruto if they didn't talk," answered Sasuke with a shrug. He glanced at Naruto, directing his next comment there. "Next time: ask questions first, toss bad guys second."

"Oh," said Naruto. "Oops."

"Cool," said Naruto-female-clone, giving Sasuke a thumb's up. "We rock. I set 'em up, you shake 'em down, ne?"

"Can you just go ahead and dispel for the night?" asked Kakashi. "I'm getting a little concerned."

"If I have to," said the clone a little reluctantly, who then poofed away.

Naruto staggered and made a couple of wretching noises.

"And THAT is why I suggest dispelling your shadow clone more regularly," said Kakashi.

"Oh... man... that was..." Naruto gagged some more.

"If you're going to throw up, don't face me," said Sasuke, showing remarkable concern. Well, for Sasuke.

"While Naruto deals with that, anything else to go on?" asked Kakashi.

* * *

Shizuku Narumi considered the boy she'd been able to talk with briefly. It had been... nice.

She hadn't had to wear the usual mask, displaying the calm dignity and presence that she had to as one of the three Maidens. After all, he was an outsider she would never see again - and therefore it was all right to just put that role aside and be a normal girl for once.

It had been interesting too, as it gave her a glimpse into a very different lifestyle.

She had had no idea that ninja were as physically strong and tough as the boy had been. To crumple a knife like that without so much as a scratch on his skin when he was done - very impressive. She was sure the Jashinites had thought it equally impressive.

A frown crossed her face. With the Jashinites around here, she should just go back to Okitsushima and only return when the contest started and the three Maidens would give their ritual blessing for the event.

At least she'd gotten this brief afternoon.

* * *

"I hurt," said one of the Jashinites.

"Lord Jashin laughs at pain," replied one of the other Jashinites.

"Well, Lord Jashin must find this quite amusing."

"A kid. A kid who was all of fifteen. Tossed us around like sacks of grain."

"Kid was a ninja."

The leader of the three made an acknowledging sound. "I don't know about you three, but I can't throw a sack of grain over four houses and another thirty yards besides."

The other two made agreeable noises this time.

"We'll need to contact one of the higher-ups within the priesthood," continued the leader thoughtfully. "We can take those shrine priestesses easy. Ninja, on the other hand, that's a bit of another story."

"How's your hand?" asked the second Jashinite.

"Kid didn't break anything, but it hurts like the blazes," said the leader.

"So," said the third slowly, as if testing each word before speaking. "Who do we contact?"

"Look for pink hair," said the leader. "I heard Rossignol went rebellious and dyed her hair before she left. So Satsubatsu will be around somewhere, keeping an eye on his little sister so that she doesn't betray any secrets."

"Why not simply kill her?" asked the second.

"Idiot," said the third. "It's when she WINS that she'll be a worthy sacrifice to Jashin."

* * *

Satsubatsu, not his original name which had been Alain, watched carefully.

His sister, little brat that she was, WAS his sister. Rossignol normally had dark purplish hair, perhaps a shade lighter than black. She'd gone pink when she'd gone rebellious against his authority, then discovered that hadn't worked too well with her natural hair color. So she was now a lighter shade of purple.

If she won the contest, she would be a worthy sacrifice to Jashin. If she did not, then perhaps whoever DID win the contest would make a suitable sacrifice.

Though this rumor that Kakashi Hatake, famed Copy Nin, was here with a team of genin was concerning. The genin were no consequence to someone of his level, but Sharingan Kakashi was another story altogether.

Fortunately, this appeared to be one of the years that Jiraiya was not attending. If he HAD been, that might have become a problem.

* * *

Jiraiya set the bags down and stretched out his arms and shoulders. "Ah, Fortune Beach. White sands. Nubile sun-kissed bodies with little pieces of cloth barely covering anything at all. How I've missed you."

He'd set one of the early Icha Icha books here, and he knew he was always welcome. Well, in some parts at least. Yet he didn't want to have old enemies or foreign-nin lying in wait for him here, so he only visited every five years or so.

Oh, and couldn't forget the pineapple-glazed ham. Sliced thin and roasted over an open fire. Ah yes, he was SO looking forward to this trip.

He had an open invitation to be on the panel of judges for the Miss Beach contest, and this year he was going to just go ahead an take it. He prided himself on having a discerning eye for the ladies after all.

* * *

"My lady, maybe we should lie low for awhile," suggested Shizune.

"You see that, Shizune?" asked Tsunade, pointing at a sign.

"The 'Miss Beach' contest?" asked Shizune. "Honestly. A beauty contest in this day and age? How backward and sexist does a community have to be in order to fund one of those things? Why would any woman sign up for being displayed like some produce at the market?"

"Look at the prizes," said Tsunade.

Shizune looked closer. "Oh. Well, that explains why someone would sign up for it. That's like a B-Class mission payment."

"Yes, and that's just the Junior division," said Tsunade as she made a hand seal. _Ba-DOMF!_

"My lady?" said Shizune, seeing the transformation and coming to an uncomfortable conclusion.

The younger Tsunade adjusted her clothing. "Lady Luck, come on, apprentice needs a new pair of shoes."

"True, you DID hock mine at the last gambling house," said Shizune, looking mournfully at her feet.

"Ah, it'll toughen you up," said Tsunade, making a gesture. "Come on."

* * *

Yugito Ni placed the bundle in the little hole and then wrestled the rocks over it. With that done she straightened up and glanced towards the beach.

She went over her carrycase and equipment one last time, making sure she had EVERYTHING she needed.

If all went well, she would be able to meet Jiraiya of the Leaf Village and get a few details out of him. If he knew she were a kunoichi of Cloud he'd be on his guard instantly of course. Just a random girl in the contest though - that might allow her to get close enough to get information from him. Since he was known to have a weakness for the ladies, this was a case where guile and a little drinking contest might work where strength wouldn't. As she was a jinchuriki, alcohol had a tendency to get burned out of her system quickly.

Satisfied that nobody would be able to tell who she was, unless they were a chakra sensor or something, Yugito headed towards Fortune Beach.

* * *

"Don't fail this mission," said the chunin, vanishing abruptly.

"Yeah yeah," grumbled Fuu. "What are you going to do to me if I DO fail, moron?"

Fuu of Takigakure let out a deep breath, squared her shoulders and began the walk. Fortune Beach. This was the five year mark so Jiraiya would be here. He would also be a judge. That meant this was an opportunity to ferret out information that the old monkey might have on him.

Well, she was just a disposable monster as far as her own village was concerned. Why not throw her at the old monkey, to steal his secrets?

Whatever. A beauty contest? What kind of stupid village enters a kunoichi in a beauty contest? Honestly, there were times she just wanted to go wild and trash the place.

Huh. Maybe that was why she was being given some OTHER village to trash.

* * *

"Hi, are you here for the contest?"

Sakura blinked as she found some girl leaning in her doorway. "Uhm."

"Hi, I'm Karin Nagumo," said the short-haired girl. "I saw your name on the register and had to ask..."

"No relation," Sakura assured the girl. "You're the fifth one to ask. Maybe I should just put a sign up."

"This is your first competition, right?" asked Karin.

"You can tell?" asked Sakura, wondering if she was blowing her first undercover assignment.

"Yeah," said Karin. "Anyway, I'm one of the local Shrine Maidens, not a contestant. You're going to have to watch your back a bit better. Lock your door. Some of the other contestants can get a bit vicious."

Sakura blinked as she looked over the clothing of the newcomer and tried to compare it to the single other shrine maiden she knew. It didn't quite jibe. "Uh huh. You're a shrine maiden?"

"Yeah, for one of the nearby islands, it's an old tradition," said Karin. "There's the Maiden Of Fire, Maiden Of Wind, and the Maiden of Water. Anyway, I heard that one of the Three Legendary Leaf Ninja is here - Jiraiya. However he's also pretty legendary for peeking at contestants. He doesn't bother the girls in your age bracket much, but thought I ought to give you a head's up."

* * *

Rossignol frowned from her perch on the fourth floor stairway.

From here she could observe a number of the comings and goings and get a feel for her competition.

There were some seriously attractive women in the Adult category, but there were also some cute ones in the Junior division.

A fair fight was something she really wasn't inclined to put up with.

It was made more complicated with the glimpse of her brother she'd gotten yesterday. Alain had joined some crazy cult. If she wasn't careful, her family ties might just strangle her in the middle of the night.

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTES:

Not sure how long i'll continue this. As might be obvious to some readers, there's a degree of fusion with Umi No Misaki involved. Which, despite being an H-manga, i found myself enjoying for its character development and humor. It's available at Mangafox for those old enough to read it. 


	19. Chapter 19: Spiral Dragon, part 3

**Another Fistful Of Omake**

by Greylle

DISCLAIMER: Original series belong to someone else.  
NOTE: The following is just an idea that came to me and started developing. Not sure how long i'll keep going on it. It's already gone quite a bit further than intended and seems to want to write itself. It is indeed a Umi No Misaki fusion/crossoverish piece, which is an ADULT story that managed to impress me with its character development and humor. It can be found at Mangafox if you're old enough and care to give it a try.

Omake 19: Spiral Dragon, part three

_Konohagakure:_  
She sat, legs folded tailor-fashioned, in the shrine offices.

Willow-bark Tea heated on a pot nearby but that was not her current concern.

She was genuinely trying to do this 'Shrine Maiden' job, which was the local Priest class as she understood it.

It was bound to be difficult in some respects. There were some differences between her prior existence and this one, some subtle. Others not subtle at all.

As Keristrasza she'd been in the service of Alexstrasza and an Aspect of the Red Dragonflight. The reds were, unlike those she'd heard about from those D&D universes, noble guardians of life and sacred sites. Things had gone well in her fight, until Malygos had turned everything completely wrong that is. She'd died, and without the help of someone entirely outside the set of universes that included Azeroth and the Scourge - that would have been that. Since one such HAD gotten involved, here she was.

Shapechanging to human form was not entirely comfortable. She felt constrained in some respects, though her strength and physical durability were less than in her full form - they remained considerably higher than was normal for even trained ninja. Likewise her chakra, different from but similar to the mana of her previous form, was also quite developed.

Keri was simply concentrating on breathing for now. An old meditative and focussing exercise, and it would avail her well now. Get back to basics, and everything else would fall into place.

Keri winced as her wards were disturbed. Six, with only two bothering to approach openly. All six bore strong taints. If this had been Azeroth, they'd likely be servants of the Lich-King or the Scourge or some such. Here the enemies didn't necessarily declare themselves so handily.

"Fuss and bother," said Keri to the empty meditation room. "The tea was almost ready."

Well, she'd just have to finish before it got cold again.

* * *

_Fortune Beach:_  
_What's happening with my clones?_ asked Naruto of himself, attempting to dive deep and converse with the fox.

Instead he found himself in the cave he'd met the dragon in, with the lettering engraved in the walls pulsing. First one section would fade into flickering light, then those would fade and another section would flicker into life.

"Okay, this is different," said Naruto to the empty room. "I thought I was going to visit the fox."

The room didn't answer.

Naruto settled down and tried again.

* * *

_Konohagakure, Hiryu Shrine:_  
Keri took the teapot off the flame, giving the cup a wistful look. "Always happens when you're bathing or setting down to a meal." THAT part hadn't changed. Truly had the magician Murphy of Goldshire nailed that observation of the multiverse's workings.

The door shuffed open.

"You, woman. You need to come with us," demanded the masked nin.

"No," said Keri.

"Are you blind, we're ANBU," said one of the masked nin.

"No, you're not," said Keri. "You're ROOT."

The two in the doorway went still. The four concealed ones were already still but tensed slightly.

"Amateurs," muttered Keri, shaking her head.

"ROOT was disbanded years ago," said the one who had spoken earlier.

"ROOT went underground," said Keri, rolling her eyes. "I imagine that pun has already been done to death though. Don't bother me, I won't bother you. Is that simple enough for your boss to understand?"

"How dare you?" asked the first, reaching for a kunai.

"I suppose a demonstration of power is necessary," said Keri, shaking her head. "Pity though. My apologies to the families of those who pass on."

"What are you..." began the speaker for the group.

Keri just made a pass in the air, except that the air glowed briefly in a trail left by that hand.

Two ninja screamed.

"Genjutsu!" concluded the visible one who hadn't spoken earlier as he saw two of his fellows land on the ground, clawing at their throats.

Keri shrugged. "Close enough I suppose. Listen up. I'll offer you the same offer I made the Hokage. You don't interfere with me, I don't interfere with you. My sole reason for being here is for the sake of my 'cousin' - Naruto Uzumaki. Mess with him, mess with me, and I mess with you. Invade the village or something like that, and I will rise up and trust me boyos - you don't want that."

A kunai was thrown at her, it struck her directly in the forehead. It fell to the ground, bent at the tip.

Keri favored the thrower with a very disappointed look. The two ninja on the ground stopped moving.

The speaker looked at the kunai then back at her. "Monster!"

"Child," said Keri to the speaker. "You have NO idea."

* * *

_Mindscape:_  
"**How should I know, brat?**" rumbled the Kyubi.

"It isn't your doing?" asked Naruto, not entirely believing it.

"**Idiot! You're a dragon! What do I know about dragons?**"

"Oh," said Naruto simply.

"**Yes. 'Oh.'**" The Kyubi sniffed around the bars of his prison. "**I finally get a host worthy of my power, not a weak fleshbag, and he's an idiot amongst his kind. What did I do to deserve this karma?**"

"Kill lots of innocent people?" asked Naruto.

"**It's what I do. Natural as breathing is to you.**" The fox paused though, the usual angry expression turning momentarily thoughtful.

"Well, if you don't know, how the heck do I figure it out?" asked Naruto.

"**No clue. Not my problem. Go away. My soap operas are starting.**"

"Eh?" asked Naruto, having heard something unexpected.

A dark chuckle echoed through the cavern before Naruto abruptly found himself shoved out.

"**Ah, I wonder if Etsuko will realize that Midori is sleeping with Kennosuke who is actually Sachiko who is a kitsune running about sowing chaos and mischief. Damn these things are addictive.**"

* * *

_Fortune Beach:_  
Jimo swore as he settled down in the tavern. Nice little place this was. Beach town well away from Konohagakure.

He was safe here.

Only dragons around were the fictional legendary kind and he was quite happy to keep them fictional and legendary and not bloody well EATING HIS TEAM! Now he had to find more missing-nin to replace them.

What a bother.

* * *

_Somewhere under Konohagakure:_  
Danzo looked down at the survivors of his little group. "Do you care to explain why you attacked her instead of just sounding out this mysterious priestess?"

"She doesn't intimidate, Danzo-sama," answered that heavily bandaged ninja.

"You're saying that one civilian shrine-priestess did this?" asked Danzo.

"She's a monster, Danzo-sama," answered the least injured of the group. "She's not human."

Danzo considered this briefly. Maybe he should visit in person? That way he could see exactly what he was dealing with. He'd known she wasn't a simple priestess just from the reports of the Hokage's interest. Everything he'd turned up since then had only reinforced that.

Or maybe he could just send Homura and Koharu. A comment or two speculating about the Hokage's interest in the woman should have the two investigating in short order.

At which point a shadow that shouldn't have been there moved.

Danzo just KNEW he wouldn't like this. "Why am I surrounded by incompetents?"

"Because you want loyalty more than intelligence or adaptiveness," said the woman as she stepped out of the shadows.

Naturally, two of his ROOT members launched themselves at her. She was almost casual, no, she WAS casual as she backhanded the two into unconsciousness.

"Is there a reason you tracked me down and assault my personnel?" asked Danzo, reaching out with the powers of a particular eye to influence this young woman.

"Yes, and trying to control me IS what is annoying," said the shrine priestess. "Stop it, Danzo. I know about ROOT. What's more to the point - I don't care."

Danzo frowned as he dropped the technique. "What do you mean?"

"I mean exactly that," said the shrine maiden. "Don't bother me, I won't bother you. My agreement with the Hokage is that I will help defend this village from outside threats, but take no hand in your politics unless my cousin is threatened."

"I see," said Danzo. "What exactly are you?"

"The head priestess of Hiryu Shrine," said Keri.

"I'm sure," said Danzo after a moment. Whatever or whoever she was, she would bear keeping an eye on. However, he was going to make sure that the minions knew this was a do-not-approach duty. If she became a problem, he would deal with her then.

As it was, he knew he couldn't influence her with a Sharingan and her skills had to be considerable to not only reach her but send his personnel into unconsciousness so easily. He also noted that the two on the floor were not dead but were quite definitely unconscious. So, someone he could possibly make deals with, as long as he was careful.

* * *

"Screw this," said Naruto eventually, deciding that he was NOT in a restful meditative mood and also NOT accomplishing anything. "I need to train."

Most of the buildings in Fortune Beach were low-built, two floors at most. There was a small cluster of buildings that were taller, but even those topped out at four floors in height.

Naruto found himself on top of one of those, pondering the building across the street, and debating the wisdom of a little late-night monster hunting as training to see if THAT burned off some nervous energy.

_Shuff!_ went a nearby window.

Naruto naturally turned towards the sound and found himself looking at a short-haired girl. Who had just opened the window. And was currently naked. And staring back at him.

"Okay," admitted Naruto aloud. "I wasn't expecting that."

The girl in question unfroze and started screaming about perverts.

By the time she looked again, the blonde boy was gone.

* * *

"Peeper! Ecchi! Hentai!" yelled Karin out the window.

"What is it now?" asked a much younger girl with glasses as she came out of the bathroom.

"There was some kid in orange on that roof! Neenee, he was totally peeping on me!" exclaimed Karin, pointing.

"You're naked," pointed out Rinne Nagumo.

"Yes! He saw me naked!" agreed Karin.

"And you didn't draw the curtains and you're standing in front of an open window," pointed out Rinne.

"I..." began Karin. She considered that, considered the window, considered that she was still naked. "WAGH!"

Rinne went over to the window and drew the curtains. "Such a troublesome sister."

"Uhm, well," said Karin as she tried to dress quickly and got her shirt on inside-out.

"Orange?" asked Rinne as something occurred to her. "I wonder..."

* * *

Naruto came to a stop near the shoreline, wondering why women seemed to give Sasuke the benefit of any doubt but not him. Just another area where life was totally unfair.

"Damn it, I need answers!" yelled Naruto at the waves.

"**That would depend on the question.**"

Naruto blinked and looked around, seeing a small lizard who seemed to be watching the moon. "Excuse me?"

"**Fine,**" said the lizard, spreading wings briefly. "**You're excused.**"

"You're that big dragon," realized Naruto. "Except you're small."

"**Obvious, isn't it?**"

"Why are you here?" asked Naruto.

"**Checking out this dragon cult,**" said the miniaturized dragon. "**It seems a bit odd.**"

"Oh. How'd you get so small?" asked Naruto.

"**The spell 'Reduce' halves your size. If you cast it twice on yourself, you become one-quarter your original size. I had to cast it a bit more than twice but it is easier to observe things this way.**"

"Wow, that'd be handy," realized Naruto. Since he was over fifty feet long, he was definitely an outdoorsy sort of dragon.

"**Yes, hard to observe anything if the natives are reacting as if you were Godzilla or some such. The whole screaming-and-running thing. Say what you will about dragons in our majestic natural form, but low-profile doesn't exactly fit. You do have that ability, by the way.**"

"I do?" asked Naruto.

"**The spells, or jutsu, you can perform through draconic magic are simple ones. They include Reduce and Enlarge at your current age level. Enlarge doubles your size, by the way.**"

"That sounds interesting," mused Naruto, thinking of potential uses for both.

"**Draconic magic of that sort renews itself daily. At your current growth, you can deplete your reservoir of that magic by casting such a spell up to four times. So, by using that magic four times - you could go from fifty four feet (you're still growing you know) to roughly three feet and a third.**"

"Oh," said Naruto. "So, do you know what's going on with my shadow clones?"

"**'Shadow clones'?**"

"Yeah, they're acting weird and doing stuff," complained Naruto.

"**'Stuff'**"

"Yeah," acknowledged Naruto.

"**Hasn't Keri told you anything?**"

"Not much," said Naruto.

"**Child, you must learn and unlock your abilities on your own. I have other concerns and matters that dominate my attention. You are now the Dragon of Prophesy, but even so there are many ninja whose power outstrips your own.**"

"I don't have a freakin' manual now, do I?" asked Naruto, getting peeved.

"**The lettering in the cave? Hello? Why didn't you use your Comprehend Languages ability?**"

"Compreh... I got that?"

Naruto was treated to the sight of an ancient (though miniature-sized) dragon beating his head against a large rock. The rock splintered on the first such strike and just began powdering at the point of impact thereafter.

"**Child. You are a dragon. Your chakra is more dense and powerful than a human's chakra. You also have more of it than a human normally does. Of course you're not going to get the standard results out of a jutsu. That isn't even going into the prisoner sealed away in your belly currently watching soap operas.**"

"So..."

"**So your shadow clones being copies of your human form share the toughness, uprated strength, and increased stamina of that form. It takes a very solid hit to dispel one. Also, because of the potency of your chakra, there are going to be side-effects. It will take you some time yet before you fully assimilate being a dragon. I suspect many of your problems of this nature will pass at that point. Fare thee well, little dragon.**"

"Wait! You're just leaving?" asked Naruto as the little dragon began fading out. "I still got questions!"

"**Keri will have many of the answers you seek. The lair you have fashioned from my former prison will provide others. This is now your story, hatchling. Oh, and remember that when you choose to imbue a mate and give her your Heart - you'll be weakened for at least a week while you recover.**"

"What?" asked Naruto. "Mate?"

The dragon spread its wings and flew off, fading further as it did so. Then it was gone.

"Crap," said Naruto, considering what to do. It sounded like the answers he needed were back in Konoha. In the meantime, he had this mission.

* * *

"Innkeep!" demanded Alain, who was considering a namechange as his name under the service of Jashin (Satsubatsu) did NOT roll off the tongue as he'd hoped.

"Yeah?" asked the hotel keeper, who was less than thrilled with the fellow already.

"I doth require thy finest room," said Alain.

"The 'No Vacancy' sign 'doth' be lit," said the guy at the front desk.

"Then hurl some base-born knave into the street that the noble servant of Jashin be moved into that room," demanded Alain.

The guy at the front desk pointed at the 'No Murder Cultists Allowed' sign.

"What?" asked Alain, noting that said sign was directly under one that proclaimed that 'Ganking Is Not Allowed' and that apparently 'You Break/Slay/Possess/Destroy It, You Pay For It.' "What manner of low-class establishment hath thou here?"

The man behind the front desk finished jotting something out and then revealed it was a new sign.

'The Management Reserves The Right To Refuse Service To Anyone. Especially Cultist Assassins, Those Who Traffic With Especially Unnatural Things, and Idiots.'

"Fie on thee," said Alain. He'd have to watch his sister from a distance it appeared. Well enough, he'd find someplace a little more upclass than this dump.

* * *

The storm hit around 2am.

Winds gusted to about 45mph and were coming off the water. The rain itself was fairly hard, causing Naruto to close the windows to their room as he settled in for the night.

Sasuke awoke once during the first rumbling crash of thunder, but then turned over and fell asleep again immediately.

Naruto found something oddly comforting in the storm, and so left the window ajar but with a bit of ninja-wire across it tied to a small bell. Just in case.

It felt comforting somehow to trap their lair, if just a temporary lair.

Naruto finally slept, and dreamed of blue clear skies and leathern wings.

* * *

Sakura shivered at the change in temperatures and got up to shut the window.

"Whew, you my roomie?" asked someone as she came in from the hallway.

"You're another contestant?" asked Sakura.

"Yes," said the woman, cocking a hip and grinning. "They pair up one from Junior division and one from Adult to save on space. I'm Anko Mitarashi, by the way."

"Sakura Haruno," said Sakura, eyeing the woman and glad she didn't have to compete. "No relation to the Haruno family from the Village Of Wild Women. At least I hope not. With a name like that..."

"Eh, they're actually fairly tame," said Anko with a shrug. "By my standards at least."

"You got in just in time," said Sakura, going back to her bed and flopping down to sit on it. "Sounds pretty bad out there."

"I've been in worse," said Anko, without elaborating further.

Insane laughter wafted in on the breeze.

Sakura twitched. "What was that?"

"No idea," said Anko, who then grinned. "Sounds like this year's contest will be more interesting than last year's."

* * *

Shizune frowned out at the night. "My lady?"

"Whatever that was, it wasn't human," said Tsunade, in her "middle school age" form. She quickly went through a set of hand-seals. "Summoning."

A brief puff of smoke heralded the arrival of a slug the size of her arm. "You rang?"

"I need some surveillance," said Tsunade, nodding towards the window. "Preferably without breaking my cover."

"Hiding from debtors again?" asked Katsuyu, managing to sound quite long-suffering.

"Never mind that," said Tsunade.

"Very well," said Katsuyu, rippling in a shrug-equivelant before exiting out the window.

"Katsuyu isn't very fast," noted Shizune.

Tsunade waited until Katsuyu had divided and sent her copies out further. "Yes, but if there's something out there - the rain won't bother her and the smaller copies can be easily overlooked in these conditions."

* * *

Anko ignored the peasant girl behind her, whose breathing had gradually slowed to a sleeping pace. Then she took a drop of fluid from one vial to put on a piece of cloth, then applied that drop to directly under the girl's nose. The pinkette stirred but didn't awaken, now thoroughly asleep due to the drug.

Satisfied with that, Anko went through the girl's bags, disabling the trap with a smirk. When she ran across the forehead protector, she simply shook her head once, then started putting everything back as she'd found it.

_So, a Leaf genin, probably on her first undercover mission,_ mused Anko. _Oh, can I have some fun with this setup. Too bad Kurenai couldn't make it._

Sakura chose that moment to start snoring.

After putting her kunai back where she'd hidden them, Anko forced herself to relax and look back out at the rain. The occasional flash of lightning illuminated darn little.

That laugh... hadn't sounded human. Too high pitched, too loud, too "off" for what would be a human throat.

Yup, this year looked to be interesting. Without Kurenai to compete against, she just might win this year too.

* * *

The storm moved on just before dawn.

Just after dawn, the destruction was discovered.

"Which room was it?"

"222! Window was smashed in, both girls are missing."

"Oh fuss and bother."

"Nobody heard anything?"

"In THAT storm? Not a chance."

Sakura woke up at the first yell, checked to make sure her bags hadn't been disturbed, then listened in. Her roomie was apparently still asleep. And smelling of strong drink.

* * *

Sakura WANTED to investigate. Unfortunately, she had her orders. Maintaining cover meant she could investigate - but not obviously and not going into detail.

A young non-ninja girl who might be a little stronger than the average farmhand - that was her cover.

"Hey, 'average farmgirl'?" asked Anko. "You up to a little morning run?"

"Run?" asked Sakura.

"Yeah, got to keep in shape," said Anko. "Swimsuit competition."

"Ah, right," said Sakura, nodding.

Anko nodded at the girl before they got ready. That a brisk run around the town would allow her to see what other damage might have been done - and torment the younger kunoichi - well, it was nice to combine tasks and get them all done at once, wasn't it?

* * *

Tsunade slept. It was still early yet.

That left Shizune to investigate. Fortunately, she was just a competitor in the beach contest, nobody knew who she was.

"Shizune?"

"Kakashi?" asked Shizune.

Kakashi left the rubble-filled room to meet the kunoichi in the hallway. "What are you..."

"I'm just a contestant in the contest," said Shizune, using a quick set of hand-signals to indicate 'Undercover' and 'Hiding.'

"Ah, that explains it," said Kakashi, using a quick hand-signal for 'Talk Later.' "I'm here with a genin team to protect civilians like yourself."

"Did a good job last night," said Shizune, taking a glance back at the room.

"The rain made things difficult," admitted Kakashi. "My team is not very experienced and lacks special senses or sensory jutsu that can overcome a downpour like that. At the moment."

"I'm sure the two girls who were killed here find that so much comfort," said Shizune.

"Actually, they're still alive," Kakashi said.

"How can you tell?" asked Shizune.

"Ninja secret," said Kakashi, smiling behind his mask.

* * *

"So... you can track by scent?" asked Sasuke as he ran along the roofs.

"Sorta kinda," admitted Naruto as he leapt to another roof. "Not real well though, and the trail ends right at the window. Not enough to tell much."

"An Inuzuka could have tracked despite the rain," pointed out Sasuke as they both landed on the same roof and ran across it before leaping to the next.

"I ain't an Inuzuka," said Naruto, a little testily. "It ain't like I got training in the whole sniff-track stuff either, you know."

Sasuke smirked. "So what are we looking for?"

"You forgot?" asked Naruto, stumbling slightly on landing.

"No, but you were such a dobe in the Academy I thought you might have," said Sasuke.

"Ha freaking ha," said Naruto. "We're looking for any further areas that might have been shielded from the rain and checking for their scent. That'd give us a direction."

"And if they changed direction after leaving this village?" asked Sasuke.

"Footprints in the mud or other tracks," finished Naruto. "Third year Academy stuff."

"You actually remember the third year? I'm impressed - your kekkei genkai actually put a brain in there. Somewhere."

"Screw you, teme."

* * *

_If Shizune is here, then Tsunade is here,_ pondered Kakashi as he left the crime-scene to catch up with his two students. He was quite aware of Naruko, reformed and changed a little, leaping nearby.

"Why that outfit?" asked Kakashi eventually.

"Why not?" asked Naruko.

"Yesterday you were showing a lot more skin," said Kakashi, "but actually the armor isn't bad."

"Eh, well, we're monster-hunting aren't we?" asked Naruko. "I wouldn't want to wear a good swimsuit when we're hunting something that might get monster slobber on it."

"You're worried about ruining your clothes?" asked Kakashi.

"Don't make a lot of money, Kakashi-sensei," said Naruko, pouting slightly.

"Where'd you get that anyway? Is there a ninja-armorer in town?" asked Kakashi after a few moments.

"There is, but I can't afford much. Nah, this is something Aunt Keri had packed in a scroll," said Naruko. "I think this is a subtle way of saying she doesn't approve of the Oiroke."

"Ah," said Kakashi. "Well, at ten we have a meeting we've got to attend, so let's try to wrap up by then."

* * *

Naruto lightly landed on the ground, landing directly behind Sasuke. A moment later his femme-clone and Kakashi were both standing there as well. Not that he was paying as much attention at that point.

"Yo! Shizuku!" yelled Naruto, waving his hand and grinning.

The girl in question stared at him for a moment.

"Don't speak to her so flippantly!" yelled another of the three girls.

"Eh?" asked Naruto. "Aren't you the girl..."

"What?" asked the short-haired girl angrily.

"N-nothing," said Naruto realizing that maybe reminding her...

"THE PERVERT!" yelled the short-haired girl, pointing at him and kicking the anger up a notch.

"I see," said the glasses-wearing girl, moving forward.

Naruto was aware of his team moving away, observing but also not sure what was going on.

"I don't know you," said Shizuku, looking away from Naruto.

The glasses-wearing girl took a stance directly in front of Naruto and frowned at him.

"...I don't get it," said Naruto, looking around at the crowd. The contest officials and some civilians looked back and didn't give him a clue as to what was going on.

"So please, don't talk to me," said Shizuku, still turned away.

"But..." said Naruto, taking a step past the glasses-wearing girl to protest.

"You..." growled the short-haired girl, also starting forward.

Naruto realized there was a problem when the glasses-wearer grabbed his arm and shoved it into an armlock position behind his back. "Huh? Hey!"

"Don't you be so disrespectful..." began the glasses-wearer.

Naruto flexed and forced his arm out of the position it was in and then casually broke the grip. The look he turned on the now-startled glasses-wearer was not amused. "Don't YOU be so disrespectful."

"Eh, ma ma," said Kakashi with a little placating gesture. "I know he doesn't look like much, and he acts as if there's vaccuum where his brain should be, but Naruto is a ninja."

"Gee thanks," muttered Naruto.

"It's really not a good idea to start a fight with one if you can avoid it," continued Kakashi.

"He must be more formidable than he looks," said the glasses-wearer, rubbing her forearm.

"He would have to be," said the short-haired girl, who apparently decided to hold off on punishing perverts.

"Very interesting," said one of the old women in the crowd, staring at Naruto for a few moments.

* * *

Sakura gasped and leaned against a post as her "jogging partner" went to a set of stretches.

"Not bad, kid," said Anko as she bent over double in a position Sakura found it hurt just to see. "Though I hear those ninja up in the Leaf Village can do a LOT better."

"Oh, really?" wheezed Sakura.

"Oh yeah," said Anko, now standing on one leg while she pointed her other leg skyward. "That's what I hear."

"Well, good thing I'm just a farmgirl," muttered Sakura.

"Don't forget to shower and primp up some before the photographs today," said Anko, currently standing on her hands while her legs were arranged in a straight line that paralleled the ground.

"Photos?" asked Sakura.

"Yeah, photo shoot is today," said Anko, now standing on her hands with both feet crossed behind her neck. "We'll also need to state what we're doing for the talent portion."

"There's a 'talent portion'?" asked Sakura.

"Yeah," said Anko, "what you got?"

"Uhm, I'm not sure," said Sakura, catching her breath and not even looking at the painful pose the older woman was holding.

"Well, last year, Nai-chan sang and I did a snake-dance," said Anko from a position that Sakura considered anatomically impossible. "Nai-chan isn't here this year, so maybe I ought to come up with something else."

"I'll have to think about it," said Sakura.

* * *

"So anyway, these are the three priestesses, who will officially open and close the contest," said Yae Nagumo.

The three genin (or two and a shadow clone) and Kakashi nodded at the three girls in the shrine priestess outfits.

"Those outfits are different than the ones at the shrine back home," noted Naruto.

"Which shrine is that?" asked the old woman, all but visibly pouncing.

"The 'Hiryu Shrine'," answered Naruko.

All three priestesses and the old woman visibly reacted to that, with the old woman chuckling and the three shrine maidens glancing at each other quickly before resuming their original disciplined/serene look.

"The Shrine Of The Fire Dragon? How... interesting," said Yae. "Since these three are the Maidens of the Dragon-god Shrine, it's of professional interest."

"Oh," said Naruto. "My aunt runs it, so I'll mention that."

Yae Nagumo nodded and said something in a fluid language.

"That's a weird way of saying it," said Naruto, scratching his head.

"Uhm, dobe? You understood what she said?" asked Sasuke.

"Sure, didn't you?" asked Naruto. "Why is everyone staring at me?"

"No reason," said Yae, smirking.

"What language was that?" asked Sasuke of the old woman.

"Ah, well, that would be a secret," said Yae, a peculiar look in her eyes. "In any case, these are the three Maidens of the Shrine of the Dragon-god. My grand-daughter Karin. Soyogi Mitsurugi. Shizuku Narumi."

The various ninja nodded as each of the girls nodded in their turn, though their professional calm they'd settled into after the old woman had come forward looked a little rattled.

"They are also known as the Maidens Of Sacrifice," continued Yae.

"'Sacrifice'?" asked Naruto. "What sacrifices?"

"Why, sacrifices to the dragon-god of course," said Yae.

Naruto's expression was completely unguarded. If anything Yae's smirk turned up a notch or two.

* * *

The old woman took the three maidens aside after the introductions, with Kakashi seeming to ignore them after that.

Of course, he wasn't ignoring them at all.

"Naruto? What was that she said?" asked Kakashi quietly.

"It sounded like she was quoting from something," said Naruto. "She said 'Dragons of fire share their flame.'"

Sasuke looked like he had a half-dozen questions that he wanted to ask, but didn't want to look as if he didn't know what was going on. So the expression very quickly slid into a scowl.

"Hmmm, well I want you two to watch over the photography session and keep an eye on everything. Let me know if you see anything at all noteworthy." Kakashi vanished at that point in a swirl of leaves.

"That's worrisome," said Naruto.

"What is?" asked Sasuke.

"Kakashi-sensei is a perv who reads from that book all the time," said Naruto. "But he's turning down a chance to watch girls model swimsuits."

Sasuke winced at that for a second, then thought about it. "Might not be perverted enough."

"I suppose," said Naruto, shaking his head. "Do we want to do nearby or at a distance?"

"You up close, I'm better with distance weapons than you," said Sasuke. He made a note to boggle at Naruto's brain having turned active.

"What about me?" asked Naruko, breaking in.

"I meant to ask why you're wearing that," said Naruto.

"Armored gauntlets and leggings, breastplate, shoulder guards," said Naruko, pointing to each. "Hello! If a hit will dispel me, then keeping me from getting hit is a good thing."

"Won't it slow you down though?" asked Naruto. "Not to mention how hot it is."

"I thought we might be fighting monsters later," said Naruko. "We might still be."

"Stop arguing with yourself," said Sasuke. "We've got a job to do."

* * *

Guruko sniffed again, puzzled. The trail abruptly vanished right there. As one of Kakashi's ninken - he checked out underground and a nearby tree just in case.

This was indeed a puzzle. He didn't like puzzles. It was a pity that Bull hadn't been deployed, though he was slower he liked pondering things.

Still, this was something to report. The trail was sporadic and faint, but it was there - up to this point.

Guruko marked a spot nearby to more easily find this area again, then took off. It was way too hot and humid here, making his fur itch.

* * *

"Grandmother?"

"Hush child," said Yae Nagumo as she checked the place they'd ducked into. "Okay. No one's about."

"Grandmother," said Karin. "That boy, is he?"

"I'm at least eighty percent sure," agreed Yae. "He is a ninja. Who also happens to be the dragon god for this generation."

"But he's..." said Karin.

"We've periodically had a ninja assigned to the area," said Yae thoughtfully. "I remember in the Second Ninja War how they had a small post set up. Made sense at the time, this isn't an area to particularly target but the beach and our island would both have made good landing zones that an enemy could then use to gather supplies and personnel for an assault on the country. Having at least one ninja present meant that there would be someone to get the message out and respond appropriately. It's entirely possible once he was chunin level, that we could petition the Hokage of the Hidden Leaf to station that boy here."

"I find it hard to believe that one who looks so clueless is actually the Dragon God," noted Soyogi.

"He understood and responded to that line of ancient lore, but I agree - further tests would be necessary before any action is taken," agreed Yae.

"I'll give him one thing though," said Soyogi thoughtfully. "He's strong."

"I'll say," agreed Shizuku. "I was accosted by three Jashin cultists. He threw them."

"So he's good at taijutsu," said Karin with a little "hmph" for emphasis.

"No, I mean he threw them. Over buildings." Shizuku shook her head. "I thought it was just a wind technique of some kind."

"'Just a wind technique'?" asked Karin.

"So... if he IS the Dragon God?" asked Shizuku.

"Then he is the Dragon God," said Soyogi. "It is our duty to present ourselves that he can choose the sacrifice."

"Grandmother, what was that you said? Was that from the Great Book?" asked Karin.

"It was indeed," said Yae. "It is a phrase transcribed from the tongue of ancient dragonkind, and he understood it so readily he hadn't even realized he responded at first."

* * *

Kakashi listened and frowned. It didn't sound as if Naruto was in any danger.

If one of these girls tried to be a living sacrifice to him? Kakashi considered Naruto and pondered potential reactions. The most likely was Naruto screaming and running away.

Actually, that might be pretty funny.

Well, he ought to follow the old woman just in case. That 'Great Book' sounded like something to check into.

* * *

Pakkun nodded to Those Two Guys (Izumo and Kotetsu) at the gate. He'd never been to this shrine place, but he should be able to find it easy enough.

Reporting first to the Hokage, he could then find this shrine and report to the woman he'd find there.

Hopefully she'd have a snack or something, he was feeling a bit peckish.

* * *

"Okay," said Bittersmith, the old man flanked by two fellows. "Ah, I see you've been here before. Anko Mitarashi."

"That's right," said Anko whose grin was temporarily lost. "What's with this swimsuit?"

"She's right!" said the pink-haired girl who was next in line. "It's so tiny!"

"Huh?" asked Anko, looking back at her associate. "Nah. It covers way too much. More than I usually wear."

"It's just for the photographs, you can choose what you want for the contest as long as the important bits are covered," said Bittersmith.

"Oh," said Anko, who then nodded. "Right. You'll be using some of the photos for ads."

"You catch on quickly, Mitarashi-san," said Bittersmith.

"Okay," said Anko. "Make sure you've got this right. Anko Mitarashi, tea house worker. Twenty-one years of age."

"Same as last year?" asked Bittersmith.

"Yeah," said Anko, not missing a beat. "For this year's talent competition - I'm going with a snake dance."

"That didn't win last year," noted Bittersmith.

"Eh, it's what I got," said Anko.

"Okay, go over there for the photographers. Next?" Bittersmith looked pointedly at the next girl.

"Sakura Haruno, and NO I am NOT of THAT village," said Sakura. "Farmer's daughter. I'm twelve."

"In the competition, you'll do what for the talent portion?" asked Bittersmith.

Sakura took a deep breath. "Singing." Of course, the last time she'd done anything like that had been with Ino and karaoke - and THAT had been four years ago. Hopefully she could do better now.

* * *

Otomatsu held up a hand as the small dog ran up to the tower. "You're Pakkun, one of Kakashi's ninken, aren't you?"

"Yeah, I have a mission update for the Hokage," said the dog.

"Very well," said Otomatsu, the ANBU captain currently in charge. "Kakashi Hatake attending a beauty contest. This is going to be interesting."

"Otomatsu, you have no idea," shot back Pakkun as he entered the tower and grumbled as he began running up the stairs.

* * *

Bittersmith inclined his head. "Kite."

Belvedere Kite was not a native of the Fire Country, coming from far outside the Elemental Nations area. That said, he was an odd little man whose major passion was bringing the cooking of his native land to this country. The food of the land of Koreis, which included what they called 'Korean Barbeque' in a number of franchises in villages and cities across Fire Country.

He was also a major sponsor of the Miss Beach competition.

"So we managed to get Kakashi Hatake and Jiraiya as judges this year," said Mister Kite. "Hmph. Maybe they'll be able to run off the problems we're having."

"Well," said Bittersmith, "at least this year we're getting some free publicity."

"Sea monsters attacking ships and the village are not the sort of publicity we need," grumped Kite. "Sang Yu, one of my chefs, has complained that business is down 70% from last year. Oh, hello. Are you competing this year?"

Rinne nodded.

"Well then," said Mister Kite, smiling kindly at the little girl with the for-her enormous glasses. He recognized her of course, sister to one of the three shrine maidens. "What are you doing for the talent part?"

Rinne reached into her sleeves and pulled out two fans, which she snapped out in a fluid motion.

"Oh, a fan dance?" Bittersmith nodded to himself. "That will do nicely, some of the judges are favorable to traditional forms. Go over there to get your pictures taken please."

Kite nodded to the girl as she turned and went over to that corner. "A fan dance? I'm unfamiliar with the custom but I take it the name is descriptive?"

"Yes," said Bittersmith. "I've been in this country longer than you. It's an ancient tradition, which fits well with her skills as the sister of one of the Maidens."

"Oh," said Kite, glancing towards where the one ninja leaned against a wall and seemingly brooded off on his own. "Anything interesting?"

"We've got Anko back from last year," said Bittersmith.

"The snake dancer who threatened three of the judges with 'ritual castration' for scoring her low?" asked Kite.

"Yeah, that's the one," admitted Bittersmith.

"Send a warning to the judges that she may be a little... off," said Kite.

"There's a new one, a 'Sakura Haruno' in the junior division," said Bittersmith.

"Haruno? From THAT village?" asked Kite.

"She says no, but she has the pink hair," said Bittersmith.

"Oh great," said Kite, his voice heavy with sarcasm. "Sea monsters and a Haruno, plus that snake-charmer. There goes the insurance rates."

"She's chosen singing as her talent," said Bittersmith.

"I'll bring earplugs," noted Kite.

"Actually she has a pleasant enough voice, she might actually have some talent," said Bittersmith. "Ah. Yes, you're here for the photo shoot?"

"Yes," said the woman. "Name is Tsuna- ko. Yes,Tsunako."

"Okay, Junior division?" asked Bittersmith.

"That's right," said the blonde.

"And your talent for the competition?" asked Bittersmith.

"Gambling," said Tsunako.

"No," said Bittersmith.

"No?" asked Tsunako.

"No," agreed Kite. "It has to be a talent appropriate to your age and in keeping with the spirit of the Miss Beach competition."

"...feats of strength?" tried Tsunako.

"Very well," said Kite, pointing at the line for the photographers.

After the girl had left, Kite considered for a few moments before opening his mouth.

"Don't say it," advised Bittersmith.

"So it was as obvious as I thought," said Kite.

"Oh yes," said Bittersmith.

"And Jiraiya's one of the judges," noted Kite. "Is the village going to survive this?"

"I don't know about you," said Bittersmith, "but I'm going to pack an emergency get-outta-town kit and have it ready. Just in case."

"Good idea," said Kite with a nod.

The next girl came up and bowed slightly. "My name is Rossignol. For the talent portion, I will sing."

* * *

"Just vanished?" asked Kakashi. "Could the abductor have flown?"

"Away with two struggling girls in a thunderstorm? It's possible but I don't know how likely it is," admitted Guruko. "Thing is, it would be impossible for me to track them by scent if they did that."

"I suppose," said Kakashi. "Show me the spot."

Guroko nodded, his forehead protector shining in the sun. "This way."

* * *

Next to a corner was a stack of crates. Sasuke noticed this in particular as every so often a short-haired girl's head would go peeking around it.

He moved to get a better view, on the off chance it would turn out to be something less annoying and more of a professional concern. Just in case.

It was, as he'd already thought, that Karin girl. Who was, apparently, doing a fair "agitated fangirl" impression.

Well, maybe not entirely.

She was not, however, looking at himself. Which would have been understandable as he WAS Rookie Of The Year and the Last Uchiha and, well, himself. No, she was looking at Naruto.

Which caused Sasuke to consider Naruto himself, and realize a couple of things. First, that Naruto was taller. Since he'd activated that kekkei genkai of his, which Sasuke had a few suspicions about were not quite what they were reported to be, he'd shot up about four inches in height. As it had just been a tiny bit each day, it hadn't been so noticeable - but now that he thought about it he'd spent less time looking literally down upon the class clown. Naruto had also filled out. Not chubby though, he was showing considerably more muscle than was strictly normal for their age group. If he had not known Naruto and was considering him from the viewpoint of someone who had just met him, as he was considering from the shrine maid's point-of-view, he would think Naruto to be a bit older than a mere twelve. Possibly fifteen or so.

Sasuke watched, not completely understanding what was going on. Oh, he had some suspicions. Something clearly was off about the dead last of the Academy having a kekkei genkai that apparently included competency.

Not that he was complaining. When he'd originally been paired up with Naruto and Sakura he'd labeled them The Load and Mostly Useless Fangirl. Now that Naruto was less the Load and more the Lancer, that meant that his own quest for power in order to enact vengeance was less impeded.

This though - this was sufficiently different that he was at first having trouble crediting what he was seeing.

"WHAT THE HELL?" screamed Naruko as she stared at the cut she'd gotten on one finger while tossing a kunai from one hand to the other.

Sasuke made a quick blurring move so that he ended up behind the shadow clone, and saw the trickle of blood on that hand. "So you're not the original?"

"N-no, I-" said Naruko, turning to look at Sasuke.

Sasuke pursed his lips at the sight. The shadow clone was about to freak completely out. Well, one way to test it.

Sasuke's fist drove into the shadow clone's stomach with enough force that she landed on her butt three feet away. And was coughing badly.

She did NOT dispel. Nor did she break his hand.

The original apparently saw that part and ran over. "Teme? What the hell did you-"

Sasuke interrupted by backhanding Naruto in the face. This did two things. One, the lack of Naruto vanishing indicated that this was not the shadow clone. Two, that really really hurt. Not Naruto, his hand felt like he'd tried to smack an anvil. One of the big ones they pounded out swords on. Therefore this was the original real Naruto.

"Wha?" asked Naruto.

"She's not dispelling despite the injuries," said Sasuke, pitching his voice lower. "She's bleeding."

"Yeah... oh," said Naruto.

"Yeah," agreed Sasuke.

"What the hell?" said Naruko as she could finally breathe. "What was that for?"

"You were freaking out, in front of civilians," said Sasuke, inclining his head to the watching contestants and judges. "Keep it together, we'll talk to Kakashi when he gets back."

* * *

Pakkun blinked as he considered the woman before him. "How is that even possible?"

"It goes to the inner nature of things," said Keri, "and as everything else in life - it gets complicated."

"Huh, well I have to get this back to Kakashi," said Pakkun. "Who'd have thought it. Is there a manual or something the kid can look at?"

"Yes, actually," said Keri. "However, I don't think it's in Naruto's nature to consult it."

* * *

Sakura had the top scores in the Academy for a reason. She was able to multitask and could memorize details quickly. Both of which usually had her labelled as a 'genjutsu type' though she didn't have a lot of genjutsu learned.

As it turned out, this helped in infiltration work as well. Sakura understood that she was basically playing a role as an actress or stage performer would.

**Sakura Haruno:** Just your average farm-worker from an unaffiliated farmstead to the North. Hobby: Singing and puzzle games. Age: 12.

Her eyes flicked to the girl now posing for the camera, and doing a rather more risque job despite that she was also in the Junior division.

**Rossignol:** daughter of travelling merchants. Hobby: singing. age: 13.

There was something off about girl with the dark purple hair and heavy eyeshadow. Not the black nail polish or odd tattoos. No, it was something in the way she carried herself.

She was confident and aggressive, whether it was revealing herself in these tiny little swimsuits or just a comment directed to Sakura - "try to handle your losing to me with some dignity" - that indicated she had some special ability.

Sakura frowned slightly, wondering if this Rossignol was a foreign-nin or missing-nin. That would explain a few things, wouldn't it?

The other possibility was Tsunako. She seemed VERY suspicious.

* * *

Anko looked over the competition and dismissed most of them in very short order.

Tsunako was under some sort of henge, it was revealed when she'd make a grab for something and her arms were too short to reach. Little things like that. She also looked kind of familiar. _Probable foreign-nin. Maybe from Waterfall or Cloud?_

Rossignol was the one currently posing for the photoshoot. A little kunoichi-wannabe type. Such an obvious poseur, trying to project the whole deadly-flower image, and no real clue how to pull it off. _In a few years, with the right training, maybe she could be a real bad girl instead of a fake._

Shizune looked familiar, and the name sounded familiar, but heck if she could place it right off the bat. She seemed awfully self-conscious about the swimsuit for a kunoichi though, and what was that pig? An emergency food supply or pet? Well, if she WAS a kunoichi on a mission - give her points for having something like that as a prop for her backstory. _She acts like she doesn't want to be here, and she's constantly glancing at Tsunako. On the same team or from the same village maybe? Or maybe they recognize each other?_

Yugito - if there was ANYONE that was an obstacle to overcome, it was that girl. She could do the "catwalk strut" like nobody's business, didn't have any problem showing off her curves, and if anything seemed professionally bored with the whole thing. _Also plays the shamisen well, though one of the judges was saying something about technical proficiency but lacking in artistic merit? I don't get it, but from the slight reaction this 'Yugito' had - something she's heard before?_

Fuu - another junior division type to keep an eye on. She obviously didn't know a thing about being here but was way too clumsy to be a shinobi infiltrator. _Girl's got a chip on her shoulder the size of the Hokage mountain. Still, there's too much odd about her to just accept..._

_What in the Nine Hells are those genin doing over there? Why was she freaking out? Why did he punch her out? And why is there a girl spying on them from behind those crates?_

* * *

"You didn't need to hit me," said Naruko as soon as she'd recovered.

"You didn't dispel," pointed out Sasuke. "You landed solidly."

Naruko got wide-eyed again and started breathing hard.

"Knock that off," said Sasuke coldly. "If you're going to do something like that, go off and do it by yourself."

"B-b-but," stammered Naruko, her hands going to a hand-seal. She concentrated.

"Stop that," said Naruto finally after a few seconds of nothing happening. "You're not dispelling. Dang. This is freaky."

"Hnn," said Sasuke, considering the girl-version again. "You seem to be fairly tough and solid. Just not as solid as Naruto."

"Gee, sorry," said Naruko, not sounding very sorry.

"We'll have to ask Aunt Keri when we get home," decided Naruto aloud.

"What's keeping sensei anyway?" asked Sasuke with a frown. He hated being out of the loop, but it wasn't likely he'd get answers from Naruto who was obviously grasping for answers himself.

* * *

"Odd," said Kakashi.

Guruko, one of Kakashi's ninja-dog summons, nodded. "Note that there are no physical tracks, even though the scent trail remains. Up until you get here at least."

Kakashi looked over the spot, considered, then raised his headband.

"Anything you see that I can't smell?" asked Guruko.

"Yes, actually," said Kakashi. "There's a genjutsu."

"With a smell component? That's unusual," said Guruko. Most ninja would neglect details like that because they didn't assign a great importance to the lesser-used senses.

Kakashi walked up to an empty area and casually sliced through something. Two poles appeared, to which two unconscious girls were tied.

"Curious," said Kakashi as he inspected a symbol drawn on the ground.

to be continued 


	20. Chapter 20: Fabrication

**Another Fistful Of Omake**

by Greylle

DISCLAIMER: Original series belong to someone else.  
NOTE: The following is just an idea that came to me and started developing. Someone had suggested a Naruto that went the Girl Genius route, and this was what i came up with.

Omake 20: It's fab  


* * *

He'd be among the first to admit that he'd manipulated things. A young Academy student named Naruto Uzumaki had been basically grabbed and shoved into a situation where he could get a set of wishes.

The three answers had been that he become awesome, that he could outdo Sasuke in some manner, and that he could have more friends.

To do all three at once, Toltiir had pondered for an aeon-moment (which was certainly possible for a pan-dimensional being) as he went through possibilities.

Toltiir had crafted an Intelligent Device in a manner similar to those devices of Mid-Childa. He hadn't wanted to exactly duplicate one, Raising Heart or Bardiche for example. Besides, he'd already done that in an alternate timeline.

A Mid-Childan Intelligent Device could act as a tutor in the ways of magic, as a magic wand, an amplifier, and other things as well.

It was the magitech version of a 23rd century Swiss Army Knife in those universes where such were available. He'd visited one once where there had been a Starfleet Academy and found the little gadgets fascinating. He'd picked one up and given it to that Hephaestus fellow. Hmmm. Sometime he'd have to check and see if the old techsmith had been inspired.

No, concentrate on this for now.

The device's role would also determine its personality to some extent. A device that was essentially a magic sniper rifle would have a very different viewpoint than a device that was all about getting close and melee combat. True, the devices COULD change configuration, but there were definite roles they specialized in despite that.

As had been explained to Naruto, the role Naruto chose for himself would determine what Device he'd get. It would also be the choice of the path he'd take for the remainder of his story. Toltiir waited as Naruto considered how to get from where he was to where he wanted to be. He'd even helpfully supplied cards which had the roles written down on them.

[The Destroyer] was an Intelligent Device from Al-Hazard. A Weapon Of Mass Destruction that had been intended as a Doomsday Weapon. The sort of thing you put on the table as a "don't make me use this" last resort and to give the originating country some leverage in diplomacy. Because it could literally destroy space/time and everything else in a light year radius when deployed. This was something pre-existing that he'd found going off and doing things like terraforming planets to occupy its time.

[The Hidden Hand] was a cloak clasp. Its role was of scout/sneak/spy/rogue. Its actual name was James. It could teach him much about being a competent ninja more in keeping with the traditional silent spy/killer sort.

[Jack Of All Jutsu] took the 'magitek equivelant of a Swiss Army Knife' to its conclusion. A master of none, but able to fill a wide variety of roles and having an extensive database of spells/jutsu.

[Rifleman] was the magitek equivelant of a sniper rifle, built during the time of Belka's ancient war by one of Ancient Belka's enemies. It was all about striking hard and fast and from concealment.

Naruto had chosen [Lord Of The Harem] until he found out what a harem was. At which point he declined that choice because Sakura hit hard enough on her own and he didn't need a BUNCH of girls hitting him regularly.

[Expert Martial Artist] had been Toltiir's admitted attempt to pattern an AI Intelligent Device on Ranma Saotome. Ah well, perhaps he'd find a use for it later.

[Transmuter] had gone around the typical 'throw energy bolts and shields' magic and go to the more traditional story-telling magic of turning one thing into another. Wouldn't it have been funny to turn Zabuza into a ferret? Or a Squirtle? Alas, Naruto had passed that one up.

[Abjurer] would have been interesting in a world of chakra-intensive spells. The ability to lay down anti-jutsu fields where such things were completely negated? But no, Toltiir was less delighted with the concept when he tried running a sim on it and every ninja-nation and criminal organization had immediately targeted Naruto as a threat to their lifestyle.

[Toltrix] had been taking that device from the 'Ben-10' timelines and adapting it here. Being able to shift to one of ten stored profiles would have made Naruto quite adaptable.

Instead, acting on some impulse that came from nowhere that Toltiir could immediately discern, Naruto had chosen [Mad Scientist/Sorcerer] as the role.

Toltiir wanted to refresh his memory, and so left Naruto in order to take a better look at something he'd seen once.

In a high-tech universe, many races had attained a great deal of accomplishments. In a particular universe, there had been a race now known as the Forerunners. Other races had risen after the fall of the Forerunners, and some had managed to reverse-engineer some of those devices.

One such device was known as the Computer-Assisted Nanomech Disassembler and Fabrication Device, which became known simply as a "Fabber" to everyone who didn't like the rather unwieldy but more descriptive name.

Some of the devices were quite small, roughly the size of a loaf of bread, and only produced things about half its size. Some fabbers, at the other end of the scale, were essentially shipyards capable of producing starships.

So, pondered the elder god, a combination of high-tech fabber and Mid-Childan Intelligent Device. Something that a creative young boy would be able to use to produce all sorts of objects, mostly dependant on the raw materials used to construct it.

Start small and unlock more functions/details as time went on and Naruto's abilities in that area increased. Yeah, that was in-genre for such things wasn't it?

The one he was looking at was an AI-controlled shipyard-sized one in the Epsilon Eridani star system. There it was taking raw materials from asteroids, disassembling them at the molecular level, binding the molecules back together in specific compounds and shapes, and then assembling the final result.

So, something along those lines. Admittedly, Naruto's competence in building technological items was very limited. Left to himself, he might simply fashion millions of kunai.

No, he was going to need something else changed about him.

_RESET_

There, back to baseline or "canon" Naruto. More things that could be altered that way.

Now, to shift this little event.

* * *

"She lost both legs and her right arm," said one of the doctors.

"I'm afraid she can't be a ninja," said another.

"I'm right here you know," protested the little girl.

"Hey!" said a kid that popped out of the ceiling. "I've got an idea!"

The two doctors and the little girl all stared at the boy.

"How long were you up there?" asked one of the doctors.

"About fifteen minutes, is it safe to come out now?" asked the little boy.

"HE MUST HAVE DOUBLED BACK!" yelled someone nearby.

"Guess not," said the little boy, dropping down and then running off at high speeds.

"What was that all about?" asked one of the doctors.

"Isn't that the brat that used to paint things but now is using some sort of puppets?" asked the other doctor.

"I'm not sure they're puppets," said the first doctor. "Odd."

* * *

"So," said Tenten, looking up at the boy who'd popped out of a ventilation duct as soon as the doctors had left.

"Yeah, I got an idea," said the boy with a wink. "I just needed to go get a tape measure and get the dimensions right. Wouldn't want to get your sizes wrong!"

"I'm EIGHT!" protested Tenten. "I don't HAVE sizes yet! You're what - seven?"

"Huh?" asked Naruto as he dropped to the floor. "What're you talking about? I got to make sure your new legs and arm are the right size for you, don't I?"

"You... what?" asked Tenten.

* * *

The Hokage cleared his throat and the sea of doctors, nurses, ancillary personnel, and administrators parted.

"Hokage-sama! Do you see what That Boy did?" asked an outraged doctor.

"Replaced a kunoichi's arm and legs with metal ones that work," said Sarutobi Hiruzen in a calm quiet voice that nonetheless carried.

Tenten stopped flexing the metal hand and arm and turned her face away from that to look the Hokage in the eyes directly. "Hokage-sama!"

"How well do they work?" the Hokage asked the eight year old.

"Just like my old ones, except they're metal," said Tenten as she hopped up and down.

"That's not all!" said the boy, popping out of a floor panel.

"Get him!" yelled someone in the back.

"I don't think so," said the Hokage, putting an arm out and sending an Aura Of Menace out. It was far subtler than a Killing Intent attack, causing the crowd to suddenly realize that maybe attacking a child in front of the Hokage was NOT a good idea.

"What do you mean 'that's not all'?" asked the girl in question.

"You're gonna be a ninja like me!" said Naruto proudly. "So I put in a secret compartment and a punch blade!"

"Eh?" asked Tenten, finding a section on the back of the hand and trying to flex it. A three inch blade shot out. "Are you nuts? I could scratch myself and slice an ear off or something?"

"Oh," said Naruto, scratching the back of his head. "Hadn't thought of that. Lemmee disable that."

"Anything else you added?" asked the Hokage, sounding amused.

"No ojiisan," said Naruto as he pulled some tools out and started working on Tenten's arm. "It's only a Mark I model after all. Gotta leave something for the Mark II."

* * *

Tenten had been eight last year when she had the accident and both legs and one arm had been crushed beyond recovery. She had gone most of a day with the realization that her career choice of ninja was forever out of her reach. Heck, just normal life might be forever out of her reach. At which point this really weird kid who could form this box thing out of thin air had built her new arms and legs that WORKED.

She still thought the little boy was weird, but nice, and had settled into a big-sister role whenever they interacted. Which wasn't really all that often as some people really didn't seem to want her to get too close to the kid.

Which made no sense at all to her.

* * *

Naruto Uzumaki knew the Fabber in that he had a little bracelet. The bracelet could call up a little display and keyboard, but it wasn't completely necessary.

The Fabber was very like a Mid-Childan Intelligent Device in some respects - one of which was that it acted like a teaching device. Naruto was learning all sorts of things and constantly, information feeding into him and causing neurons to click and develop.

So Naruto was more intelligent in that he not only had information, but could process it to a greater degree.

Unfortunately he was a bit of an Absent-Minded Professor type due to any question he had ending up in a search of the various databases.

Every year he built a new arm and pair of legs for Tenten to accomodate her growth.

Every year Tenten objected to some of the "upgrades" for one reason or another.

"Okay, before you put those on, explain this stuff," said Tenten, holding up the "upgraded features list" in her human hand.

"Mfff? Explain what?" asked Naruto once he'd gotten the screwdriver out of his mouth

"What is 'Rocket Punch'?" asked Tenten.

"Oh, you activate the unlatch at the elbow," said Naruto, indicating that part of the arm. "Then you point it like so, then you trigger this here."

The arm launched itself, leaving a trail of smoke as it shot across the room and imbedded itself in a wall.

"How do I get my arm back after it does that?" asked Tenten.

"Oh," said Naruto. "Yeah. Hmmm. Okay, Gimee another week."

"What do the legs do?" asked Tenten, looking at them. They were mostly the shape of human legs at least.

"I added a rocket boost in the heels!" exclaimed Naruto. "You click 'em together and they'll give you thirty seconds of jet propulsion!"

"Can't you just build BASIC arms and legs?" asked Tenten.

"But where's the fun in that?" asked Naruto. "Can I at least add retractible claws?"

Tenten gave a long-suffering sigh before nodding.

"Yay!" said Naruto. "You won't regret this."

"I already am," muttered Tenten.

* * *

_Tenten age: ten, Naruto age nine:_  
"This year I've got something special for you, Ten-chan!"

"Does this explode for no adequately explored reason?" asked Tenten.

"No!" said Naruto. "I tested this one!"

"Is it a use-once and then never work again gadget?" asked Tenten.

"No, those are just wasteful," said Naruto with a sniff.

"Does it jam up every twentieth use?" asked Tenten, counting off previous attempts.

"Sometimes, but I added a reset that will allow you to recover function at that point," said Naruto.

"Uh huh," said Tenten skeptically as she went over the datasheet she now insisted on when Naruto started talking about upgrades. "What's this one? 'Kinetic Impact Enhacement Pylon'?"

"It's a piston that you can grab onto someone and then slam 'em with extra impact!" said Naruto.

"No. Remove it," said Tenten. "I like the laser though, any upgrades for that?"

* * *

Naruto frowned. Nobody understood. Nobody listened. Everyone that DIDN'T ignore him or turn hostile eyes towards him, regarded him as weird!

"I'll show them," said Naruto as he welded parts together. "I'll show them all! They don't want to be my friend? I'll BUILD myself a friend!"

* * *

Naruto fed more metals and other materials into the "hopper" as the Fab-1 called it. He understood the basics. You put in materials, the device spun the materials out into components and then put them back together again. So he could raid junk and trash heaps and things like that, looking for metal stuff that was broken.

What came out the other end were parts. Parts that he learned how to fit together, that Fab-1 told him directly how and why and where.

His head didn't hurt anymore. That helped.

It took him nearly a week, but the result was worth it. To Naruto at least.

"What is THAT?" said several of the other Academy students as they saw what Naruto was riding.

"You mean 'Who'," stated Naruto, getting off the beast.

Sakura stared, shocked absolutely speechless. This... was cool.

Black and gray were the dominant colors. All in dull metal. The head moved, green eyes seeming to consider each of them in turn. The tail lashed once, dozens of segments moving fluidly as it did so.

"And this," stated Naruto proudly, "is my little friend Terutora."

The panther inclined his head, tail lashing a bit. "Hello."

"Uh huh," said Sakura, rallying. It was Naruto's so that would make Naruto a little more cool by association, and THAT couldn't be so this wasn't cool at all. Right? "So what can Teruchan do?"

"'Teruchan'?" asked Terutora.

"His claws can shred steel, his bite can sever limbs, he has a laser cannon, he's well armored, AND he can cling to surfaces by using internal gravitics!"

"Whatever, it's just Naruto being weird again," said Ami from her position near the back of the room.

"Well, I think you're cool," said Naruto when Terutora looked disappointed.

* * *

"Hokage-sama, Uzumaki has demonstrated the sensor and stealth capabilities of his panther, and we've just had the combat tests from when he was showing off earlier."

Hiruzen Sarutobi sat back at his desk. "Is that why my office is full of ANBU?"

"We want one," said the ANBU with a hawk mask.

Hiruzen raised an eyebrow. "All of you?"

"Well, if he could do tigers, that would be even better," said Tigermask.

"And owls," predictably said the ANBU with an owl mask.

* * *

_Two days before genin exams:_  
Naruto wiped sweat away from his forehead and then put his goggles (now heavily modified) atop his head. "Whew, finished."

"Good," rumbled Terutora, the mecha-panther not even raising his head up from where he was sprawled. "You need to get some sleep."

"How can I sleep with all this?" asked Naruto, hefting the shotgun-like device. "With this, I can load a shell and fire off any number of interesting effects. Nets. Fireballs. Shrapnel sprays. Smoke bombs. Armor-piercers. Knock-out darts. Slippery stuff. Sticky stuff. If only I'd had this in my pranking days."

"You speak as if those are behind you," noted Terutora.

"Well... I guess they are," said Naruto, only realizing it at that point. "Since I'm working with the ANBU and all now, it's just kinda odd to do anything to put them out."

"From what I've overheard," said Terutora, "if you make genin - then you'll have to do a lot of common labor work around the village. Hold off on making the ANBU too many of those - that way you'll get missions to supply them."

Naruto considered that. "So then they'd be in my mission record as successful missions, continuing to make me look better as a ninja?"

"Exactly," said Terutora, stirring to look directly at Naruto.

"That's sneaky," said Naruto.

"Well, I am a panther," noted Terutora. "You ARE a student ninja."

"Perfect," said Naruto as he went back to fitting things together.

"Is that the one for 'Cat'?" asked Terutora, looking at the device on Naruto's worktable.

"Yeah, small body, suitable for sneaking around and observing things," said Naruto, pointing to a bracer on a side-table. "That'll be a video monitor, allow her to tap into the cat's eyes and ears at a distance. The cat's tail will act as an antennae."

"No stealth or flight?" asked Terutora.

"No room, normal-sized cat, not intended for assault or anything, but from what she said she normally just gets jobs within Konoha guarding people or stuff," said Naruto as he worked. "Extra pair of eyes and ears would be better. Besides, I'm having to make several of these things for the ANBU and Ojiisan and they ain't gonna be as multi-purpose as you are. At least at first. Maybe later I can add stuff."

"Still you need to sleep before you take the exams," chided Terutora.

"Too much to do, too little time," responded Naruto.

* * *

_Exam Day:_  
Some people had a normal alarm clock. You set it for a specific time, and when that time arrived it would start ringing a bell or buzzing a buzzer or playing music.

This was a ninja village though, and silent alarms were more the norm than the exception. These would shine a light or were on a watch-like band that would vibrate.

This particular alarm clock was built by Naruto Uzumaki, the number one unpredictable hyperactive genius mad scientist of the Leaf Village. Soft lighting or gentle vibration? Pshaw! A simple bell, buzzer, or whistle? Boring!

The alarm clock made a loud clicking noise as it arrived at the preset time and extruded little metal legs to manuever near Naruto's head. Little metal arms unfolded out of the sides of the clock, with little metal cymbals at the end. The alarm eyed the boy's position, repositioned itself slightly, calculated angles.

_CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG!_

Naruto being Naruto, he didn't want to wake up this early. Especially after working long hours on various devices. He grumbled and threw a kunai in the direction of the offending device.

A cymbal/hand deflected the kunai and responded by throwing a raiton-charged wire at the sleeper.

"Would you just wake up already?" asked Terutora before the Naruto-vs-alarm-clock battle could go further along this track. "This is the day of the genin exam."

Brief silence.

"WHAT? HOW LATE IS IT? OH MY GOSH!" managed Naruto as he exploded up out of his bed and started running around in circles. "Where's my gun? Where's my Utility Belt? Where's my goggles?"

Terutora sighed the sort of sigh that spoke of long periods of suffering.

The alarm clock, seeing as it had completed its task for the day, simply settled down and began recharging itself.

* * *

Naruto frowned as he went over the questions on this written part of the exams.

_"If a leaf falls in the forest, and nobody is around to hear it, how many ninja are involved?" What kind of cockamamey question is that?_

Putting down one as the answer, Naruto went to the next question and upgraded his frown to scowl.

_"Kumquat, Apricot, Tomato, Squid. What comes next?" What the heck is that supposed to be? A recipe? Was there a course on ninja cooking?_

_"Derive an analytic form for the square site percolation threshold." Uhm. Right. Well, maybe if I do this? Moving to the next question._

_"What is the square root of indigo?" Colors can have square roots? What the frak, Skippy? Why is everyone just pencil-scratching away and I get stuck like this? Maybe... lavender?_

Naruto let out a deep breath and concentrated on his Fabricator access. _Fab-1?_

_Yes sir._

_I'm going to have to cheat on this._

_Very good sir. Analyzing now._

* * *

"Okay, you can do Kawarimi and Henge, now do Bunshin," said Iruka. "Not very well, but you did it."

Naruto frowned. "Can I do something else as a substitute?"

"No, it has to be a Bunshin," said Iruka. "It's one of the three basics. Everyone who graduates has to be able to do some form of each of the three."

"Right," said Naruto, forming a hand-seal and concentrating. "Bunshin." Concentrating. Still concentrating. Concentrating while straining. Concentrating while straining and gritting his teeth. Concentrating while straining hard enough that he cut loose a mighty blast of wind from his nether regions.

And lo, did Kiba of the clan of Inuzuka gag and fall to the floor clutching his nose.

"Bunshin!" tried Naruto again.

There was a poof and a sickly looking clone sagged to the floor.

"Me no like this game," complained the clone before dissolving into smoke.

"That the best you can do?" asked Iruka.

"Hologram system on, target me, display," said Naruto to Terutora.

A flickering image of Naruto appeared next to the real one.

"Better, but that's still a fail," said Iruka.

"I'm still working on this," said Naruto. "I've almost got the flickering removed and look - this one actually looks like he's standing on the ground."

Iruka shook his head. "Sorry Naruto."

* * *

Terutora, named after a samurai, was a robotic panther that would have weighed over two hundred pounds if it had been flesh and blood. As it was armored metal and plastic and extruded carbon nanotubes - it weighed a bit more than that. Unless the onboard antigrav and attractor fields were activated - in which case the panther massed quite a bit but weighed practically nothing.

Terutora had some pretty advanced sensors including: passive nightvision, IR, UV, telescopic x1000, radar, passive air pressure detection (whiskers), ultrasonic hearing, monitoring radio bands, and an olfactory-mimic system.

After Mizuki had made his pitch and left, Terutora considered the situation and summed it up. "You know, you haven't installed a BS detector, but this seems a bit off."

"Well, maybe," admitted Naruto. "Still we are ninja, so a hidden and sneaky way of doing something does fit in with that. And he IS a teacher."

Terutora considered that briefly before inclining his head. "While that might be true, if such is on the level, wouldn't doing something equally ninja-worthy with this make-up test be equally mandated?"

Naruto considered that. "So you're saying if the test is actually a test of our sneakiness, that we should do something equally sneaky regarding it?"

"Indeed," said the mecha-panther with a nod.

"Hmmm," hmmmed Naruto. "Lemmee think about this. I might just have to get... creative."

* * *

He hated the fox-brat, it was a passion and cause that burned within him. He also didn't think much of Konoha, which had stifled and contained him. He had been stuck at the rank of chunin for over a decade now.

So when the fox-brat had started developing these fantastic devices, he'd observed things behind his usual mask.

If he got the scroll of kinjutsu, then he could parlay that with Orochimaru. At least become a tokubetsu jonin. Possibly full jonin.

If he went to the Village Hidden In The Clouds, he could take that scroll and get something better than watching over a roomful of snotty-nosed brats. At the very least. That was just enlightened self-interest and initiative.

If he took that Device the brat used to develop all these toys in addition to the scroll? He could write his own ticket. He could attain the rank and status he'd been denied for way too many years.

He could finally be Someone. All it would take is using the tolerance the Hokage and some others (lately a steadily growing number) had for the brat and he'd have his revenge on the fox-brat, the village, and put himself ahead of the game.

He'd slanted every aspect he could influence against the boy, making sure that the brat would fail. It had almost failed, the brat having come up with decent answers to most of the written questions, but he'd finally gotten things to this stage.

"Uzumaki has stolen the forbidden scroll!"

Mizuki smirked at the shout.

"Uzumaki has stolen the forbidden secret treasure!"

Mizuki's smirk momentarily vanished. What forbidden treasure?

"Uzumaki has stolen the Hokage's pipe!"

Mizuki twitched. What was that brat doing?

"Uzumaki has stolen fifteen rolls of duct tape, a carton of instant ramen, nineteen feet of high-grade steel pipe, and fifteen plushie prinnies."

"What's a prinny?" someone shouted back.

Mizuki would have liked to know the answer to that too.

"Never mind the last one, they were just moved to another warehouse. Ahem. Uzumaki has stolen the secret recipe!"

Iruka shook his head and got up. "Now what?"

Mizuki twitched. There was a secret recipe?

* * *

"Huh, kage bunshin eh?" asked Naruto. "Lemmee see if I got this right. Terutora? Scan the rest of the scroll and see if you can figure out what Mizuki-sensei was after. See if maybe there's something suitably awesome there too."

"Working," rumbled Terutora, his eyes glowing slightly.

* * *

Some things were different. Some things fell into old familiar patterns.

"-because you are the Ninetailed Demon Fox!" declared Mizuki.

"That's not quite accurate," said the Hokage, who was quite suddenly just THERE. Since that was a few feet behind and to the left of Mizuki, that particular chunin just about had a heart attack and tried to hit the Hokage with three shuriken he'd grabbed and thrown instinctively.

That not one shuriken hit the Hokage despite there being less than five feet distance being involved was something that several individuals noted. Terutora being one.

"Uhm," said Mizuki as suddenly there were twelve ANBU present. "I don't suppose this is the Fox using bunshin and henge?"

"No," said the Hokage.

"I'm under a genjutsu, right?" tried Mizuki.

"I don't think so," said the Hokage.

"Uhm, would you believe this was a test of Naruto's loyalty to the village and general competency?" tried Mizuki.

The Hokage didn't answer aloud, just slowly shaking his head twice.

"I'm really and totally screwed, aren't I?" said a heavily perspiring Mizuki.

The Hokage, ANBU, Iruka, Naruto, and even Terutora all went "Uh huh" and nodded their heads.

A heavily scarred man appeared in a blur and put one large hand on Mizuki's shoulder. "I believe we should have a chat."

* * *

"So, Naruto has made genin," said the Hokage.

"Well, yeah, he managed to sneak in, steal the scroll, leave messages and left YOU a map," said Iruka. "Out Mizuki as a traitor, get him to break your law regarding the speaking of certain matters, demonstrate that while he can't make a regular bunshin that he can do kage bunshin. Stole the secret recipe, your pipe, and the secret treasure... I didn't even know we HAD a secret recipe or treasure. Though I suppose that's why it's a secret."

"I'm a little concerned that he apparently learned how to make the explosive variety of clones," said the Hokage, adjusting his reclaimed pipe.

"Considering what that weapon of his can do, isn't an explosive clone actually less dangerous?" asked Iruka. "Armor-piercing homing explosive shots?"

"True, true," agreed the Hokage. "So now it comes down to assigning him a team."

* * *

"Team Seven," said Iruka, reading from the report. "Sakura Haruno, Sasuke Uchiha-"

"YES! IN. YOUR. FACE. INO!"

Iruka used his ninja chalk throwing skills, beaning Sakura in the middle of her forehead.

"-sorry," mumbled Sakura as she rubbed the sore spot.

Iruka flipped another piece of chalk up and caught it again several times, eyeing the classroom. Nobody else moved. "Okay. As I was saying. Team Seven consists of Sakura Haruno as the top scoring kunoichi, Sasuke Uchiha as the Rookie Of The Year, and as the underperformer of the year - Tobio."

"WHAT?" asked Tobio.

_ker-thwak!_

"Ugh," said Tobio.

"Why?" asked Sasuke quietly.

"It's a tradition to team those three together," said Iruka. "Yes, it sounds stupid. However, in the past it HAS worked - with a few notable exceptions. Your jonin is Kakashi Hatake."

"Ugh," said Shikamaru. "Tradition. That's a pain."

Iruka checked his desk. "Someone stole all my chalk? I walked in with a fresh box."

Several innocent looks were directed his way.

"Okay," said Iruka with a shrug. "Team Eight is Hinata Hyuga, Shino Aburame, and Kiba Inuzuka. Jonin Kurenai Yuhi."

"Cool!" said Kiba with a fangy grin.

"Genin Teams Nine, Eleven, and Twelve are still deployed from previous years," said Iruka. "Team Ten is under jonin Asuma Sarutobi. Ino Yamanaka, Choji Akimichi, and Shikamaru Nara."

"Ugh, I told you tradition would be a pain," mumbled Shikamaru. "This will be troublesome."

"You telling me," said Ino. "I'm stuck on a team with the biggest slacker in class and Chubby the Clown."

"WHAT WAS THAT?" yelled Choji, rounding on the kunoichi on his team.

"You don't hit girls," said Ino, waving a hand at him dismissively. "What are you gonna do, lard lips?"

"HUMAN BOU-"

_WHUCK!_

Choji sat down as Ino tried to dislodge the piece of chalk that had become imbedded in her nose.

"What do you know," said Iruka. "I found a piece. Ino, I don't want that one back."

"Yevv ffenffei," managed Ino as she tried to pluck the object from her left nostril without looking too gross about it. Finally she just went ahead and yanked it.

Iruka finally got a chance to go over the remainder of the team assignments without any other interruptions.

"Uhm, what about me, Iruka-sensei?" asked Naruto.

"Your skills have you tracked a bit differently from the rest of the class," said Iruka. "The debate is still going on, but it looks as though you'll be placed with the Torture and Interrogation Unit."

"Eh?" asked Naruto as everyone stared at him. "Why them? I don't have any particular skill at torture OR interrogation."

"You'll just have to see," said Iruka. "Last I heard, Ibiki Morino wanted to see you at fifteen-hundred hours this afternoon."

"Aren't genin teams composed of three members, and isn't it usually two males and one female member?" asked Terutora.

"Well, yes," admitted Iruka.

"Hmmm," mused Naruto.

* * *

Hours later, Terutora sighed as he really had known this was coming but he hadn't quite expected the result taking shape.

While the sketches of the big bruiser type he'd named Al or Alphonse were still being considered, it was the third member of their team that Naruto was working with the assembling of.

Finally, he decided he HAD to speak.

"No," said Terutora.

"No?" asked Naruto.

"No. It is NOT a good idea. Mecha-Sakura-chan would generate more problems for you."

"But..."

Terutora shook his head once, then flicked to the next design. "Hmmm. Interesting. A maid-style gynoid. Your age. Keep in mind though that this one doesn't seem very combat capable. Possibilities though."

"What kind of possibilities?" asked Naruto.

"When you have your team, you might make one of those for your Ojiisan. He could probably use someone to help him with that paperwork..." Terutora's head jerked up abruptly.

"What was that?" asked Naruto, having felt something as well.

"It was as if the ghosts of all the Kage had just fallen on their face," muttered Terutora, wondering at such an odd sensation. Oh well, might even be possible considering local physics.

"Huh," said Naruto, shaking his head to clear it. "What about this one?"

"High strength and durability without being obvious," noted Slash. "Good processing speed and the analysis hardware looks interesting. You used the design from a USV-404 'Bugeye'?"

"Yeah, but without the antennae and downgrading the ECM so everything would fit," admitted Naruto.

"You went for an emotion-learning feedback loop as opposed to preloaded emotion emulation," noted Terutora.

"Well, with that one, yes," said Naruto.

"Maybe," admitted Terutora, flipping to the next one. "What?"

"What what?" asked Naruto.

"There's something... appealing about this one," confessed Terutora.

Naruto paused and thought about it for awhile. "That's because your original design came from the same archive hers did, I think."

"Really?" asked Terutora. "Interesting weapons systems."

"Well, the bit with the birds I couldn't figure out," said Naruto. "And there was no reason to have that whole 'power system that can't be recharged' if she's gonna be around."

"Naturally," agreed Terutora.

"So, yeah, but the thing is - there is a sorta similarity," said Naruto. "The power cells both you and her (if I build her) would run on have a steady output. In order to pull off major attacks or defense techniques - you drain your quantum flux capacitor. Once the capacitor is drained, it takes awhile for the power cells to recharge them."

"Yes," said Terutora. "I've noticed. I only can fire my plasma cannon (uprated from the original laser) six times before it shuts down. Naturally, if I minimize all other activity by a 'rest mode' - such things will recharge faster as there is no further drain on the main power source."

"Right," said Naruto with a shrug. "So you rest just like humans do. Anyway, that was 'Mahoro' and this is 'Chachamaru'."

"I think you should go with Mahoro first," said Terutora. "And I'll change my name to 'Slash' then."

"Ah, you accessed the file?" asked Naruto.

"Naturally when you brought my attention to it," admitted Terutora/Slash.

"Okay then!" said Naruto, grinning and cracking his knuckles. "Let's get to it!"

* * *

"Mahoro Andou, active," said the robotic girl several hours later. "Beginning diagnostic."

"Master Naruto," chided Slash. "While she goes through basic diagnostic and testing, you should sleep. That Ibiki Morino stated we had to get going early - and you only have five point five hours before you must meet up with him."

"I s'pose," said Naruto, yawning heavily. "Fab-1 shut down for now."

[Shutting Down. Sleep Well, My Master.]

* * *

"Heya Ojiisan!" said Naruto as he entered the Hokage's office.

"Naruto, I'd love to chat, but..." Hiruzen Sarutobi, Third Hokage, simply indicated the huge stack of paperwork on his desk.

"Oh good timing," said Naruto. "Multi!"

"Yes sir," said a green-haired girl with ears that looked more appropriate for some sort of device.

"Ojiisan - this is HMX-12 Multi," said Naruto proudly. "She's a full function gynoid maid but her real skills are in doing paperwork."

"I'm not the best at cleaning," said Multi, bowing in apology. "However, I will try my best!"

The Hokage blinked as he considered the girl wearing the red-and-white vaguely nautical looking costume. "You... built her?"

"Yes," said Naruto. "Once Ibiki heard I was planning this, he made it a mission. Said if you had less paperwork you had to deal with, then you could spend more time taking care of your health and keeping your strength up. So Multi here needs to watch what you do and how you do it, then she'll remember and be able to handle all the paperwork except the stuff you absolutely positively gotta deal with. Ibiki said that should take care of 95% or so, leaving you with the remaining 5%. I... Ojiisan, you okay?"

"Dust," said the Hokage, wiping his eyes. "Multi? Are you ready to get started?"

"Hnn," said the robot girl with a nod and smile. "Right away!"

* * *

Everyone in the village quickly noticed the Hokage spending more time outside, walking around, and the grin on his face. It didn't take long for the word to get around as to the Why.

Naruto Uzumaki had built a device which could handle routine paperwork and information and process it quickly and efficiently.

Spies had to pass messages down encrypted and compressed so it quickly became: "Uzumaki develops jutsu for clearing paperwork fast." They then disregarded it as the spies had no idea how much their various leaders would look at that and grow envious.

* * *

Slash, or Terutora, was considered an 'animal companion' and not officially one of the genin of the team. At least by outsiders.

Mahoro Ando, Naruto Uzumaki, and one other were needed to complete the main team.

"You know, the teams so far have been boy-boy-girl," pointed out Slash.

"Yeah, so?" asked Naruto.

"So making a second girl for the team bucks that tradition," pointed out Slash.

"Yes, but what have our missions been lately?" asked Naruto.

"Point taken, they haven't been very traditional either," admitted Slash. "Yet you want to be accepted - and accepting some traditions would seem to be appropriate for that."

"Maybe," admitted Naruto.

Mahoro looked over the designs and frowned slightly.

"Something wrong?" asked Slash.

"Why does she have... such..." Mahoro made a gesture as if pressing basketballs to her chest.

"They aren't that big," protested Slash.

"Well," said Naruto, wiping sweat off his forehead and leaving a grease smudge, "the thing is that you're primarily a front-line fighter."

"Right," said Mahoro.

"My gun and my talents make me a good mid-to-long range," said Naruto as he threw a wrench at a shadow clone who was slacking. "So, another short-range to occupy the enemy while I ready stuff."

"That doesn't answer my question," noted Mahoro.

"Oh, that goes back to what I said earlier - what kinda mission we been getting lately?" asked Naruto as he turned back to his project.

"Building companion AIs for ANBU, painting fences, pulling weeds," began Mahoro. "Neighborhood cleaning. Installing wired communications at security checkpoints."

"Exactly," said Naruto. "So, we're not exactly getting out and about. No princess rescuing. No bandit beating. No legendary monsters to capture. No ancient tombs filled with the secrets of the ages to find. None of that stuff."

Slash and Mahoro looked at each other briefly as Naruto finished fitting a silver square onto a pair of goggles.

"So," said Naruto. "Someone who can fight, but also someone who can help with the whole image thing. That's why-"

"What happened to the armored warrior?" asked Slash.

"Fabber isn't big enough to produce some of the parts yet," said Naruto.

[Affirmative. Upgrade to Fab-2 recommended.]

"I wonder if Ibiki-san would approve," pondered Naruto.

* * *

"Ibiki-sensei, in order to upgrade Fabricator-san I need a small building like a storage shed in order to-"

"Approved," said Ibiki Morino.

"You haven't heard the whole thing," said Naruto.

"I've noticed your 'Fab' device only makes small parts, and I had a bet with Anko that you'd approach me about building a bigger one," said Ibiki, not even looking up from his paperwork. "Approved."

"Oh," said Naruto, falling silent for a moment.

Ibiki silently counted. _One, two, three..._

"So who won?" asked Naruto.

Ibiki glanced up, crooking an eyebrow.

"Cool," said Naruto.


	21. Chapter 21: Terra & Team?

**Another Fistful Of Omake**

by Greylle

DISCLAIMER: Original series belong to someone else.  
NOTE: The following is just an idea that came to me and started developing. Someone suggested i just go ahead and jump the canon rails.

Omake 21: Naruto & Team Awesome  
this was several different threads worked out over at the Anime Addventure, but the idea was such that they could easily have been combined together.

* * *

"So," said the talking cat. "You wish you had more friends?"

"Yeah!" said the six-year-old. As the cat had just pointed out - there were talking birds and the Inuzuka had some dogs which could talk. Why not a cat? "And I wish I could do something so awesome that people would have to pay attention to me! Believe it!"

"Okay," said the cat, her tail whip-cracking out and the yellow crescent moon design on her forehead seeming to glow.

"What was that?" asked the little boy.

"Dramatic Effect No Jutsu," the cat informed the boy solemnly.

"Can I learn that?" asked Naruto eagerly.

"Sorry, this is just a random dream sequence," said the cat, who promptly disappeared.

Naruto sat up in his bed, then scratched his head, quickly forgetting about the weird dream. Especially as he'd just had this PERFECT idea.

* * *

The little boy snuck into the area that he clearly wasn't supposed to get into.

He'd been chased away before, but it was clearly an important area and the security was meant to keep big people out.

He WOULD become Hokage some day! He WOULD be acknowledged! People would HAVE to give him some respect then!

In the meantime he could figure out what was so important here. Why did they have this area set aside like this? Why were boxes and such brought out of this big building but nothing like that was brought in? Why did they leave this air vent open when it was just the perfect size for him to wiggle through?

The little boy stopped and watched from his position behind a set of bars, as a bunch of people did some elaborate something-or-other and caused objects to appear out of nowhere!

When he saw books being studied, and scrolls, and diagrams, he just HAD to learn more!

* * *

_three years later:_  
"Okay, Naruto, this is your chance to tell your part of the story," said the Hokage to the little boy of ten.

"Uhm, well, I been reading a lot," said the fidgeting little boy.

"Yes," prompted the Hokage.

"I don't do so good at the Academy, but I been studying lots away from it," said the little boy with a shrug. "Mostly fuuinjutsu but I been learning other stuff."

"It has come to my attention," said the Hokage.

"So it all just kinda clicked the other day," said Naruto with another shrug.

"Which somehow involved in hundreds of gallons of chicken broth flooding your apartment building," prompted the Hokage.

"I was just trying a ramen-summoning fuuinjutsu," said Naruto. "It didn't work right."

"Then there was the noodle monster," said the Hokage. "That fought off three ANBU."

"Also trying to summon ramen," protested Naruto. "I was closer!"

"Fortunately it tried to escape into the Inuzuka compound was promptly dealt with," said the Hokage thoughtfully.

"Kuromaru thanked me for the meal," pointed out Naruto. "Said it tasted like chicken."

"Then the next day you managed to summon giant pigs," said the Hokage.

"I was trying for tonkatsu ramen," mumbled Naruto.

"Fortunately, the Inuzuka clan dogs seems to be stationing members outside your apartment lately," stated the Hokage.

* * *

"Urp!" said Kuromaru.

"Putting on a little weight, aren't you?" asked Tsume.

"Kid may be a screwup, but he manages to put out a good spread," said Kuromaru.

There were various yaps and yowls of agreement from several other of the ninja dogs. Also a rather large belch.

* * *

"The day after the giant pigs, you ended up with miso ramen."

"I was very close that time," protested Naruto.

"What were you going to do with thousands of gallons of miso ramen? Swim in it?" asked the Hokage.

"Ooooooo," said Naruto, apparently not having thought of that but now really liking the idea.

"It would go bad before you could eat it all," pointed out the Hokage.

"Well..." Naruto let it trail off.

"I'm going to designate an area for your fuuinjutsu experiments," said the Hokage after a few more moments of contemplation. "There will be members of the Inuzuka clan present in case there are any more problems of this nature."

"Really?" asked Naruto eagerly. He had thought that he'd be forbidden from his experiments.

As the boy was led out by one of the chunin, an ANBU glanced back at the Hokage.

"Could you summon hundreds of gallons of miso ramen?" asked the Hokage.

"Why would I try?" asked the ANBU.

"Naruto apparently has a talent for fuuinjutsu, much like his mother and father," said the Hokage aloud. He didn't NEED to explain to the ANBU, but doing so might smooth potential problems along the way. "And if he gets it right, imagine being able to summon a hot meal while out on patrol."

"Hmmm," hmmmed the ANBU before vanishing in a swirl of leaves.

* * *

_Age nine:_  
"Let's see," said Naruto to himself as he inspected the array. "All right. This should work. Ramen Summoning No Jutsu!"

_PA-DOMF!_

"AAAA! RUN AWAY!" screamed the little boy as he fled.

* * *

Kuromaru's ears flipped up and he raised his head, the one-eyed dog going alert in an instant.

"AAAAAAAAAAA!" yelled the little boy as he ran out the door, followed a moment later by...

"Those are some BIG cows," said Choza Akimichi.

"They're just slightly larger than usual," argued Kuromaru.

"Barbeque!" replied Choza.

One of the dogs not able to speak yet growled something about the Akimichi getting involved when the Inuzuka clan already had this situation handled.

"Enough of that," answered Kuromaru. "They're big enough to do some damage. Bring them down before they do."

* * *

The Akimichi had been joined by some ANBU. The Inuzuka hounds had been accompanied by their human partners after the fight actually began in earnest.

It was after the fight that things had gotten... weird.

Hiruzen Sarutobi moved through the area, which had gotten churned up and a few buildings collapsed in the unused section of Uchiha property. The mood was not, however, somber.

No, this was a party. There were no bones about it, metaphorically at least. There was in reality a big pile of bones over there to the side.

"They'll grind those up later for use in medicines, and to fertilize the ground," said the ANBU whose mask resembled something out of a Kabuki play. "Those that the Inuzuka hounds haven't grabbed for chewing on later, that is."

Hiruzen nodded as reply to the comment.

Long tables had been set up. with piles of steaming beef, with the barbeques going off and roasting the sections of meat that had been obtained.

Choza looked up as he slathered a reddish sauce onto a slab of meat grilling away. "Oi. Hokage-sama! Saved you some."

"Oh, well, I suppose I should check this out," admitted the Hokage. And here he was so anxious to get back to the paperwork on his desk. "Are those... carrots?"

"He got all the ingredients for the ramen he was trying for," said Choza. "It's just that he ended up with more of them and they're all big. The cows were only slightly bigger, but he also got carrots the length of my arm. Onions and such too."

"How is Naruto anyway?" asked Hiruzen.

"Apparently it took a lot out of him," said Choza, jerking a thumb in a particular direction.

Hiruzen smirked at the sight. If any of the attending civilians would have been hostile to the boy, they certainly wouldn't disturb him from where he was. Sleeping while flanked by two of the larger Inuzuka hounds who were busy splintering bones to get at the marrow.

"They didn't care for his scent that much to begin with," said Choza, "but the past few days they've kind of warmed to him."

One of the hounds looked up, ears flicking as it carefully considered that. "Friendly little pup. Not as bad as he sometimes smells."

"Oh? You'll protect him then?" asked Hiruzen.

"I don't have any other particular duties," said Kiiromaru. "I'm not the fastest of the pack, and my human partner died a few years back."

"Oh? Died in battle?" asked Hiruzen, not immediately recognizing the dog despite the butter-yellow coloration.

"Knifed in a bar fight by an exotic dancer," said Kiiromaru. "Right after passing the chunin exams."

"Oh, that one," said the Hokage, remembering it now.

"I'm going to have to do a few extra patrols to work this off," said Kiiromaru, eyeing the bone. His ears flicked a few times. "Eh. It's worth it."

* * *

_two years later:_

The Hokage looked from the beaming boy to the scroll and back. "This does what again?"

The eleven year old boy, rocked back and forth on his feet, clearly proud of his accomplishment. "It's the Girlfriend Summoning Contract."

The Hokage looked over the two nin-dogs and various ANBU. Finally Kiiromaru nodded.

"A girlfriend summoning contract?" asked the Hokage.

Kiiromaru cleared his throat, which probably only sounded like he was muttering about 'apes whose season lasted all year' and explained. "The kid's been asking out some girl in his class. She's rejected him. This has been going on for awhile. Why you can't just go ahead and sniff butts, and if the female ain't interested - just move on."

"Amen pack-brother," said Kuromaru.

Kiiromaru nodded to Kuromaru before continuing. "Anyway, pup finally got an idea to move on. We waited for pale-eyes. Gave her several openings."

"She fainted," said Kuromaru, looking down and shaking his head.

"Humans," said Kiiromaru.

"I hear ya," said Kuromaru.

"Ahem," prompted the Hokage.

"Anyway, the pup decided to try SUMMONING a friend," said Kiiromaru. "He'd heard about summoning contracts, been working with those. Got some books and scrolls on some of the advanced stuff. He's actually getting ramen when he tries for it now. He decided to try this."

"So, you sign this contract, and you summon a girlfriend?" asked the Hokage, eyeing the scroll now as something that would end up in the kinjutsu cabinet simply because so many people would be after it.

"That's right!" said Naruto enthusiastically.

"I honestly don't think this will work quite like you think it will," said Kiiromaru.

The Hokage wondered if he should sign, and if so what exactly would be the result?

* * *

The Hokage held up a hand in a signal to the ANBU that they should stop there, and spread out in a circular pattern. Then walked a little further to where Naruto was inspecting the large fuuinjutsu.

"Kiiromaru told us you were ready. Are you really going to try this, Naruto?" asked the Hokage after a few moments.

The yellowish Inuzuka hound, Kiiromaru, yawned briefly before replying. "He's tired of being ignored by most of the kids his age. He got a crush on that pink-haired banshee..."

"Her name's Sakura," stated Naruto.

"...who turned him down, by hitting him in the head again," said Kiiromaru. "She's one of the pack sniffing around that Uchiha boy."

"Ah," said the Hokage.

"So the boy got this idea of using a summoning scroll to find a friend," said Kiiromaru.

"Summoning doesn't work like that," said the Hokage.

"I'm starting," said Naruto, putting a few drops of blood on a particular sigil, then settling down into a meditative half-lotus position and brought his hands up into an Ox seal.

Fire shifted from one color to another as it raced down the lines of ink Naruto had covered the room in.

The Hokage cocked his head as faint music played. He noted the ANBU coming into guard positions and the way Kiiromaru sniffed the air and his ears flicked.

The Hokage listened and thought the tune sounded sad or wistful somehow.

Words joined the melody.

"Crossing the distant night,  
Wandering the desert sea,  
The gods' voices are mirages,  
The forgotten people."

The Hokage's eyes flicked at the purple-pink shifting pinprick of light that had formed at the center of the seal but a good six feet up. An eyebrow raised as something WAS apparently being summoned.

"Shadows flicker palely, then stand  
For one moment, an illusion.  
A hero's dream, burning blue.  
The people, sleeping forever.  
Crossing that distant night."

The Hokage considered the pinprick which was now about the size of Kiiromaru's head. Still no sense of menace, only... sadness.

"There's no memory,  
of my life.  
I don't even know,  
how to love.  
In the boundless world,  
what's the reason,  
why am I, am I alive?"

The voice, the Hokage realized, it contained sadness, wistfulness, longing. All reaching out and touching the gathering crowd. An eyeflick confirmed, several more ANBU, and several more chunin had gathered around the open workshop to gawk at what Naruto was doing now.

"You say humans have,  
their emotions.  
You know I could be,  
apparatus.  
World is black and white.  
Tell the reason, why am I  
I'm alive.

How come my power is  
not the same as others?"

The pink/purple shifting was now predominantly pink and had formed a human silhouette.

"Where should I go?  
I still wonder why,  
I'm alive."

The pink glow faded, and a girl hit the floor of the workshop.

* * *

"Hokage-sama," said the medic a day later. "The girl's condition has stabilized."

"Why is she still unconscious then?" asked the Hokage, inclining his head towards the bed.

"She had extensive injuries, sword wounds from the look of them," said the medic. "Also, she isn't quite human."

"I'll admit that green hair is a little unusual," admitted the Hokage.

"Inoichi Yamanaka probed her," said the medic, checking his clipboard. "She doesn't remember a lot of her life, whatever blanked those sections of memory did a thorough job. Even Inoichi couldn't get any details. Her name is Terra Branford, and while she looks to be Naruto's age - she's older. There were images apparently of her being in her late thirties and dying from something that affected her chakra."

"When Naruto summoned her, it was as a friend his age," mused the Hokage.

"She was ambushed by someone she couldn't quite see, the sword wounds were done and the opponent fled, but between the injuries and the lack of chakra - she was dying and knew it. At which point she apparently felt the summons and decided to respond," said the medic.

"So, it was her choice to respond to the summons," said the Hokage, nodding slightly. If it was voluntary that eased a few concerns he had about the situation.

* * *

Ibiki Morino was tough and skilled at his job. What his job entailed was something most of the nicer people didn't even want to think about. However, it was necessary. This was a world in which very not-nice people would have no difficulty in hiding their real intentions until they were ready to strike and kill a target or even multiple targets. In fact, there were a LOT of people like that. Most of the populations of most ninja villages if it came down to it.

His job involved finding out the truth.

So when he showed up at the Hokage's office, took out the hidden flask inside the statue of the eagle, and poured them both a drink, the Hokage knew that there were aspects of this situation that were going to be troublesome.

After knocking back the shot of liquor, Ibiki considered the view of the village briefly. "Okay. Terra Branford."

The Hokage made a gesture to continue.

"Examination by Yamanaka techniques reveal substantial gaps in her memory, however some details became unearthed at further probing prior to her regaining consciousness," said Ibiki. "For one thing, though she's now twelve, she was in her thirties when she died."

The Hokage raised an eyebrow at that.

"Yes, exactly," said Ibiki. "By the way, she suffers from coulrophobia."

"Eh?" asked the Hokage.

"Fear of clowns," said Ibiki. "Though her reaction to fear appears to trigger an instinctive fire-jutsu targetting the object of that fear."

"I see, continue," indicated the Hokage.

"She also has an innate healing jutsu," said Ibiki. "Whatever the process Naruto underwent to summon her, it was apparent that she was dying and that she was sealed from using any chakra. In fact, from a comment made - something occurred which caused all chakra use across her entire world to be sealed."

"Is that even possible?" asked the Hokage.

"Apparently it was - in her original world," said Ibiki. "Inoichi Yamanaka was able to piece things together with other members of the Interrogation team, and all agreed on those details. There were images of people she had known too, but there was less detail available there. Our best guess right now is that her death was traumatic enough, combined with Naruto's summoning, that a lot of memories were simply lost. Most likely forever."

"Hence the sword wounds when she appeared," said the Hokage. "So your assessment?"

"She could very well be an asset to our village," said Ibiki Morino. "She has some skill in kenjutsu, fire and medical jutsu, and she's friendly enough."

"Very well, the Academy has the genin test in five months," said the Hokage. "Let's settle her in there and see how well she does. Meanwhile, Naruto is ready to try out that summoning to see if he gets the same results."

Ibiki made a vaguely interested noise.

* * *

_five days later:_  
"So what do you think?" asked the Hokage after Jiraiya had been sent for. Twice. And then practically had to be physically coerced from further study of the scroll-key and the arrays inscribed on the floor and walls of the workshop.

"I went over it," said Jiraiya. "It's... complicated. There are parts of it that I'm not sure of, but the parts I've been able to puzzle out are basically filters."

"'Filters'?" asked the Hokage.

"He has a summoning contract, but it's NOT what you would normally expect," said Jiraiya. "A typical Summoning Contract such as I have with the toads allows for you to be summoned or for you to summon them. It's with a very specific group such as the toads of Mount Myoboku. This isn't - which is where the filters kick in."

"So how much of a problem is this?" asked the Hokage. "Right now I've got twenty-four women and children who claim to be refugees from some war."

"I'd say lock it up as a kinjutsu," said Jiraiya. "Bring it out every couple of years for further experimentation. I also went over the records of their interviews. Civilians and noncombatants. All fleeing a war zone, having been sighted by the enemy, surrounded, and seconds away from being literally ripped apart. Which pretty much corresponds to the filters."

"So what are these filters?" asked the Hokage, leaning back and considering the Toad Sage.

"The first is that they need a friend," said Jiraiya. "Or, if not technically a 'friend' - rescue. The second is that they have to be willing to put aside their previous lives and actually come here. The third is a compatibility thing - they have to be capable of being friends with Naruto and accepting him. If any of those filters are not met - they don't get summoned. If all three conditions ARE met - then the summons will pull them across space and time and dimensional boundaries and they end up here."

"So that explains why they all want to settle in the Land Of Fire," said the Hokage. "I see."

"All their stories mesh together on the major points," continued Jiraiya. "Surrounded by the enemy which had killed most of their defenders, facing certain death, and so on. Ibiki has had to abandon some of his more strongarm tactics because of the emotional fragility of many survivors."

"I see," said the Hokage. "Well, it doesn't sound too bad, and we can stop it right here. All we have to do is tell Naruto not to summon any further groups of refugees."

"That still leaves you a group of twenty-four women and children," pointed out Jiraiya. "Not that it matters, but this will also upset Naruto. He has created a 'Rescue Girls' jutsu, which really IS something to take some pride in."

"Yes," said the Hokage. The simplest solution, the one Homura had advised him on, was to simply kill all of them. He wasn't particularly fond of that plan, especially as the group had been quite cooperative and enthusiastic about no longer being seconds from certain death.

Really, it was hard to fault them for that.

* * *

"-and though it's a bit late in the year, we have a new student," said Iruka Umino, squinting at the paper and then slowly pronouncing/mangling the name. "Tina Baradaforudu."

"Terra Branford," corrected the girl, who then bowed in introduction.

Kiba wolf-whistled. Petite, slender, with long hair gathered loosely behind her. Red boots, tight red tunic with some flower-print, white leggings, and an exotic pretty face. "Yeah baby!"

Ino reached over and smacked Kiba.

"Nothing else?" asked Iruka.

"According to tests, I'm a medical jutsu specialist," said Terra as her eyes swept the room. When she spotted Naruto she brightened and smiled.

Kiba wolf-whistled again. Sakura smacked him this time.

* * *

They had been a peaceful fishing village. When the attack had come, there hadn't been much they could do about it.

The warriors had gathered and fought, trying to buy the rest of them time to get away. Those fleeing had been the noncombatants, primarily the youngest.

They were all female, all had cat ears and tails. They were known as the Miqo'te. (Though there were different accents and dialects apparently.)

"Nyan! Welcome to Ichiraku's!" declared one as she greeted customers.

Naruto blinked at the Miqo'te his age. "Uhm."

"Ah, Naruto," said Teuchi. "You met our new hire."

"Nyan! Welcome to Ichiraku's!" declared the young catgirl as two more of her race stepped up.

"Chilled fish ramen," said one, pulling her gloves off.

"Nyan!" said the young greeter. "Fish is very fresh today!"

"Oh? In that case I'll have the same," said the other Miqo'te.

"'New hire'?" asked Naruto.

Teuchi nodded as Ayame went to work on the ramen. "Lisa here runs deliveries."

"Nyan!" agreed Lisa cheerfully.

"Oh, well, good," said Naruto. "I'm glad to see they're making friends."

"That they are," said Teuchi. "If they'd just been refugees from some war - well we get those every so often anyway. These though - they're friendly, attractive, and have skills they can market."

"Flattery will get you a bigger tip," said one of the Miqo'te customers with an appropriate cat-smile.

"Well, look at you, Rin," said Teuchi. "You're a top class weaponsmith."

The catgirl inclined her head but then her ramen was put in front of her and she gave her attention to that.

"I just wish I could save more..." said Naruto sadly.

Teuchi shook his head. "I know how you feel, but the Hokage's right. Trying to save people is all well and good - but there's no room or resources for too many people. Look at your first effort - you got twenty four of the Miqo'te here. If you'd gotten much more, we would have had to turn some away just because taking in that many people at once was a strain."

"Still..." grumped Naruto.

"If it's any consolation," said Teuchi as he took in the way Naruto was slumping on his stool, "there's talk about you making a third attempt to see if you end up with the same results. After all, your first attempt just got one."

"Without the seal-array, I can't do it again," complained Naruto. "That particular summon requires the scroll it's written on to be present. It acts as the key and control for the rest of it. That's been locked away."

"Well, it's getting close to the genin test anyway," said Teuchi. "You'll be needing to concentrate on that."

"It's four months away," complained Naruto.

"That's my point," pointed out Teuchi, who then nodded at someone else approaching.

* * *

Things had been reset to canon, then bent out of shape.

Since he'd been six years old, Naruto had been fascinated by fuuinjutsu. Since he'd been nine, he'd been working with various summoning scrolls. He'd also been trying to summon ramen, and had actually made a few friends through the misfires of that research.

Kiiromaru, a large middle-aged yellow-ish furred Inuzuka hound who looked similar to Kuromaru was one of those friends. Which led to the entire Inuzuka clan treating him a bit more friendly than they otherwise would have. Kiiromaru, after all, was a veteran hound who'd gotten into quite a few scrapes. He wasn't a major combatant, and got around much more slowly and with more aches and pains than when he was younger - but he was a member of the clan and respected.

The Akimichi clan had begun showing up for the summoning experiments as well. A Summon Food jutsu was seen as both something their restaurants would have to compete against (which was bad) and a way of getting emergency supplies when absolutely needed (which was good.)

Naruto wasn't seen as a complete failure. Just a general failure, sort of an idiot savant. Fuuinjutsu - genius. Possibly beyond genius. Just about anything else? The public at large saw a loudmouth boy whose ninja skills were below-par.

The bell rang. People went into class.

Naruto stopped scribbling on a piece of paper as Iruka entered, mostly because Terra had tapped him on the leg with her foot to indicate he needed to pay attention.

* * *

Four months from now was the genin test. She had to make her move soon.

Hinata watched and envied the girl sitting next to Naruto.

She envied the girl whose hair seemed to shift coloration with the lighting. Blonde now in the sunlight, she could and did associate freely with Naruto. Hinata could imagine her in the other girl's place.

Terra seemed to have no trouble talking to Naruto. She ignored the hostility that you could feel in the stares of others.

If only...

* * *

"There goes that damn fox-brat," said one of the mothers, glaring at the boy's back.

"No he's not," said one of the other mothers.

"Ikuko? How can you say that? We all know the truth!" asked the first mother as the rest of the group looked at other member who'd spoken.

Ikuko sighed. "Okay, look at the facts. The Hokage's been saying something different for years. That the boy is the prison of That Thing, not the Thing."

"Well, yeah, but you know what everyone else says," said the first speaker.

"Second, fuuinjutsu," said Ikuko. "It's an art. Not something everyone can manage, and it sure isn't a brute-force thing. The Fourth was a fuuinjutsu master."

"Yes, but..."

"Third, and this is the one that got me thinking - the kid invented a 'save girls' jutsu," said Ikuko. "Can any of us really imagine That Thing inventing a jutsu to save lives?"

The mothers blinked, looked at each other. One opened her mouth, closed it, frowned, and appeared to get thoughtful.

Finally the first one spoke again. "Maybe it's a trick to catch us off guard?"

"So far he's saved one human girl, twenty-four of those cat-girls, and them pointy-eared girls," said Ikuko. "One of them cat-girls, they call themselves mi'qote by the way, came into my shop. Got to talking."

"Which one?" asked one of the other mothers.

"Rin, the weaponsmith," said Ikuko. "You've met her, Tea?"

"Not her - Nyanko," said Tea. "The tailor."

"He's saving them in case he's hungry later?" tried the first speaker.

There was brief silence, punctuated by two of those looking very skeptically at the one.

"Okay," said the first speaker, throwing her hands up. "I give. Maybe he's NOT a monster."

* * *

_One month later:_

"-and Sasuke was so cool!" exclaimed Sakura.

"Yup," agreed Ino.

"That's my Sasuke!" said Ami.

"YOUR Sasuke?" asked every other fangirl present.

Terra shook her head as she walked past the fangirl contingent, the smirking boy they adored, and took a seat next to Naruto.

Naruto glanced back at her, puzzled. "You always have lunch with me."

"Right," said Terra.

"You never pay attention to Sasuke," noted Naruto.

"True," agreed Terra.

"I think you're the only girl who's not a Sasuke-fan," said Naruto, wanting to confirm that she wasn't such.

"There's more than just myself," said Terra, picking at her food.

"There is?" asked Naruto.

"Isn't that right, Hinata?" asked Terra.

"Eep!" went a tree.

"Hinata?" asked Naruto.

"Hinata, if you don't come out from behind that tree, I'm going to come drag you out," said Terra firmly, putting her lunch to the side.

"Ah-ano, I mean," said the tree.

Naruto in the meantime had gotten up, snuck around the tree, and was now directly behind the girl in question. "What are you doing back here Hinata?"

"EEK!" said the girl in question, leaping and twisting around and... falling to the ground.

Naruto looked down at the girl on the ground. "I just don't understand girls."

"Troublesome," said Shikamaru from nearby, summing it all up in his usual fashion.

"Nurse's office," said Terra, grabbing one of Hinata's arms. "Naruto, take her other arm."

* * *

There was a clock ticking. The smell of disinfectant. The feel of slightly rough sheets. All of these sensations penetrated and had been catalogued before her eyes began to flicker.

_Where?_

Her eyes finally opened and she looked around the room. _The infirmary at the Academy?_

"Finally awake?"

Eyes snapped to the side, confirming what her ears had already told her. _Terra?_

"You really need to get over that," said Terra.

"I..." Hinata said.

"Naruto's in class," said Terra, sitting back in her chair. "I thought we needed to talk."

"T-t-talk? About what?" asked Hinata, sitting up and fidgeting.

Terra studied the ceiling for a few seconds before answering. "I know what it's like to be unsure. To be constantly second-guessing yourself."

Hinata stared at the girl. How could she, as pretty and exotic as she was, understand that?

Terra let out a deep breath. "When I was two years old, a raiding party from the Gestahl Empire kidnapped me from my homeland. For over a decade, I was a slave-soldier. A weapon directed against the enemies of the Empire."

Hinata shrank back, staring at the girl. This being one of her own nightmares due to Cloud trying to kidnap her for her eyes and the Byakugan.

"I grew up with no friends, no family, no life beyond that of a soldier," said Terra, her eyes unfocussed as she stared at the ceiling. "There were a few moogles, other slaves of the Empire, but I wasn't allowed to associate too much with them. Then at about the age I am now again, I caught the eye of the Emperor himself. He wanted to breed me for my powers."

Hinata's eyes were wide and staring at the other girl by this point.

"They outfitted me with a device called the Slave Crown," said Terra, touching her forehead. "It's a device which suppresses your own will. I was forced to do things..."

Hinata found herself actually shivering at that point, this playing into some of her own private nightmares.

Terra shook her head with a smile. "So, yes, I understand what it is to question yourself. To fear. I was always afraid that I would wake up some day, and find I was wearing that device again and the freedom I'd had would turn out to be a dream. I was freed by someone a bit like Naruto named Locke."

Hinata nodded to show she understood when Terra's eyes met her own.

"Now I'm here," said Terra with a smile that looked a little sad. "Naruto needs friends, you know."

Hinata blinked, not understanding.

"You need to stand on your own feet, face your own fears, grab your own future," said Terra. "Know this though: I'm not giving up easily."

Hinata blinked as she tried to work that out, then colored when it fell into place.

"Just so we understand each other," said Terra as she got up.

* * *

"So, what's up with her?" asked Naruto as Terra sat back down next to him.

"She has some things to work through," said Terra. "Sparring after school?"

"Sounds good," admitted Naruto.

* * *

Naruto blocked, ducked, and jabbed. His movements were straightforward, forceful, and... rather more focused than he usually was in class.

Terra's movements were faster, more precise, more elegant.

Their fighting styles were very different if one looked at them sparring there in the training ground. Naruto was direct for all that he was very adaptive and prone to switching moves and varying things out. Terra's moves were more circular, more fluid, and when she shifted from defense to attack and back it was almost as if she was dancing.

Naruto was stronger and heavier. Terra was slender and quick and precise.

Hinata knew all this because she'd been watching from the bushes for the past fifteen minutes.

A timer rang its bell and the two disengaged, stepped back, and bowed - meeting each other's eyes.

Naruto toweled sweat off as he went and grabbed a wooden katana, or bokuto, off the ground. Next to him, Terra did the same with a wooden version of a more Western-style blade.

Hinata's eyes widened as she saw that there was a third blade sitting there.

As Hinata watched, they ran some black material along the edges and tip of their sword before going back to ready positions.

Terra held her hand up and glanced over at some bushes. "Hinata? How long have you been there?"

"Eep!"

Slowly Hinata made her way out, looking in all directions but at the young boy.

"Oy, just a sec," said Naruto, stripping his shirt off in an easy motion and tossing it to the side. "Okay."

"Ack!" said Hinata, eyes wide and staring.

"Hinata!" said Terra in a scolding voice.

"G-g-gomen," managed Hinata, clutching her nose as if she expected a nosebleed.

"Naruto, why did you take your shirt off?" asked Terra, sounding more amused now.

"Cause that tar gets really hard to get out of the clothes," complained Naruto.

Terra considered Naruto for a few minutes, then got a grin on her face that caused Naruto to take a step back.

Actually, this had just caused a memory to surface where she and Celes had done this to Locke at one point. She still couldn't remember much of her life, it was mostly dim and faded, and those almost like still photographs in a darkened gallery, but she remembered THIS. "Hinata!"

"Eep, y-yes?" asked Hinata, made nervous by the note of command in Terra's voice.

"It sounds like Naruto needs help shopping for clothes," said Terra. "I think we should do something about this as Naruto's friends, don't you?"

"I- I- I'm a f-friend?" asked Hinata, her gaze snapping over to Naruto.

Naruto just KNEW something was going on. Something dangerous and dark and probably hurty. He couldn't see what though. "Uhm. Yeah."

"Hinata's a friend of yours, and I'm your friend, right Naruto?" asked Terra.

"I guess," said Naruto, glancing at Hinata. Whose face had turned red and was staring (again) and shaking. "Sure."

_Naruto... considers me a friend?_ echoed in Hinata's head as a smile formed. It was unsure, twitching a little, but it WAS there.

"So Hinata? Shall we cut short today's practice to shop for Naruto's new clothes?" asked Terra.

"H-hai," managed Hinata, nodding.

"But..." argued Naruto.

"You want to be Hokage someday, gotta look the part," said Terra.

"H-hai," agreed Hinata, considering what Naruto would look like in this or that. Oh, and maybe if he wore something that would bring out his eyes!

"I don't really have a lot of money..." tried Naruto, the feeling of doomy doom doom increasing.

* * *

"Uhm," said Naruto, flailing around mentally. He needed something, anything, a distraction. Ah! That might work! "I've been working on this summoning scroll idea..."

"I think we should start with that little shop by the Takoyaki stand," said Terra.

"I think I can get the basics worked out," tried Naruto. "Do you want to see?"

"Hai," said Hinata to Terra, nodding.

"Really, I think I worked out a way to get something interesting. Maybe even more interesting than ramen," tried Naruto.

"Of course, we can't forget shoes," said Terra.

"So, maybe I should just go get those scrolls," said Naruto, getting up.

_Grab!_ Terra had ahold of his right arm. "Let's go!"

Hinata blushed, fidgeted, and finally pinched Naruto's left sleeve.

"I don't suppose this is negotiable?" asked Naruto, trying to think of some escape manuever he could use.

* * *

_Oh, this would bring out the blue in Naruto's eyes,_ thought Hinata, comparing the shirt to the fidgeting blonde. _But this other one would go so well with his complexion..._

Hinata flushed and fidgeted, imagining what Naruto would look like in such clothing.

"I'm sorry but we're closed," said the manager.

"Your sign says you're open for three hours yet," said Terra.

"We have nothing in his size," tried the manager.

"Sure you do," said Terra.

Hinata fidgeted as she could see the disapproval and hostility in the manager's body language.

"You could come back some other time when we've got a better selection," tried the manager.

"Oh, what you've got right here is fine," said Terra.

"That outfit isn't for sale, it's been reserved," said the manager.

"You know," said Terra, putting the cloth down slowly. "You're deliberately snubbing Naruto. I've been in here for a spare outfit for when I'm studying at the hospital. It's not me. I'm pretty sure it's not Hinata. So it has to be Naruto you're trying to get rid of."

"Well, he IS known as a prankster," huffed the manager.

"Not for years," said Terra, preparing to go on about how he'd made friends with two of the major clans of Konoha. The Inuzuka and Akimichi at least were on good terms with him.

"You are being unfair to Naruto-kun," said Hinata unexpectedly. She looked startled for a moment before realizing that she HAD spoken. More, that she was feeling something unfamiliar to her. Anger.

"That boy is not welcome here," said the manager. Those Hyuga eyes staring at him were a LITTLE bit unnerving though.

"Then we should not shop here," said Hinata. "Nor should any of my clan."

The manager looked startled at that, adding the eyes and unmarked forehead and coming to a quick conclusion. "Now there isn't any need to go that far."

"Why are you being so unfair to him, he hasn't done anything that wrong?" asked Hinata.

"Because he's the Ninetailed Demon Fox..." the manager abruptly stopped speaking, eyes going wide and looking into the shadows as if expecting someone to suddenly appear and thrust something sharp and pointy into him.

"I'm what?" asked Naruto.

"Look, nobody's supposed to talk about it, but that's why," said the manager, still nervously looking around. Now though he was much more nervous about something else as opposed to giving any consideration towards the initial target of his hostility. There? Had that shadow moved? "There's a law against speaking about it."

"Oh? Well, then I wonder what would happen if someone knew you had just talked about it," said Terra.

"You wouldn't," said the manager, looking over all three kids. Finally he slumped. "What do you want?"

* * *

"So what do you suppose he meant?" asked Naruto, pulling at his new clothes a little.

"No idea, you don't have a tail or something do you?" asked Terra, checking out Naruto's rear.

"The Kyubi," said Hinata, clearly knowing something but not entirely sure how to say it - or if it was safe to do so. Not that she didn't take a moment to imagine Naruto with a pair of fox ears and a silky-soft fox tail. It wouldn't be very Hyuga to go "squee" over such a thing though so she didn't focus on that very long.

"Naruto's the Kyubi?" asked Terra, her voice very skeptical. "I've heard about that. He's a rampaging hundred-story tall force of destruction? Maybe to a bowl of ramen..."

* * *

"I see," said the Hokage, looking over the three children. "You just overheard this 'somewhere' ?"

"Yes," said Terra. "Someone's talking bad about our friend, we want to get to the bottom of it."

Hinata Hyuga was tapping her fingers together and looking nervous, but nodded.

"So," said Hiruzen Sarutobi. "You want to know the details."

"Hey, Ojiisan, don't I have the right to know - it's about ME, after all," said Naruto.

"I see," said the Hokage. He considered this. Naruto already knew this much, and it might be more troublesome with part of the story at this juncture than the whole story. He was also developing - the reports of his friendship with Terra had reached his ears already and here was the Hyuga heir as well.

Well, maybe.

"I'll have to try and explain to Naruto, if you two will step outside," tried the Hokage.

"We're his closest friends," said Terra.

"Only friends," grumped Naruto briefly.

"We should stick with him," said Terra.

"Branford-san, Hyuga-san, this is an S-Class secret," said the Hokage, not unkindly. Actually that they were sticking up for Naruto to this extent spoke volumes. Terra, as she had been summoned to this world BY Naruto - might feel a connection through that. Hinata Hyuga? Not so much. Though looking as if she wanted to hide in someone's shadow, she WAS sticking close to Naruto. "If Naruto chooses to tell you later, that will be fine. It is, as you point out, his secret to speak of."

* * *

"I wonder what Shadow and Interceptor would have made of this village?" said Terra, letting her feet dangle off the edge of the table and twitching them back and forth.

"Who?" asked Hinata. ANYTHING was better than just sitting here outside the Hokage's office worrying.

"Some heroes I used to associate with, long long ago, in another life," said Terra. "I can only remember flashes and brief images mostly. Shadow was a ninja and Interceptor was his ninja-dog."

"Oh, so he was an Inuzuka," said Hinata, nodding.

"I don't think so, but maybe, sort of." Terra thought back. "There was Locke - the guy who rescued me from the Empire. Celes, who was a general with the Empire except she ended up imprisoned and then rescued by Locke. There was Edgar and Sabin, the two princes. Someone named Gau, I think. Sir Cyan, a knight. Or samurai. I guess. Stragos and Remy. There was also someone furry and someone... who was something else. We fought the Empire. And a clown."

"A clown?" asked Hinata, thoroughly confused.

"Clowns are evil," said Terra quite firmly. "Especially mad scientist clowns who do weird things with their tongues."

"I don't think there are any clowns or mad scientists around here," said Hinata.

* * *

"WACHOO!"  
"WACHOO!"

"That's odd, both of us sneezing like that," said Orochimaru.

"Could it be Sasori?" asked Kabuto. "Sometimes he uses an oil that causes some odd rashes."

"Well, it's not like he can do his own shopping," noted Orochimaru. "Hmmm. So tell me more about this fuuinjutsu genius."

"Other than he's an idiot?" asked Kabuto.

"Yes, actually, some additional detail would be nice," admitted Orochimaru.

* * *

The door slowly creaked open and Naruto stumbled out, looking as if he was in shock.

"What is it? You can tell us, Naruto," said Terra.

Naruto looked at her, or at least in her direction, before telling her. "I'm pregnant. I've got the Kyubi in my belly."

Hinata stiffened and seemed to be considering fainting.

"That is NOT what I said," came the voice of the Hokage from the office.

"...this is the OTHER reason I wanted to be present for the big Reveal," said Terra. "Naruto, you got the details wrong again. Just like in that History exam."

"The Fourth Hokage sealed the Kyubi in you because he was unable to kill it. Unfortunately, he needed a newborn child for that," said the Hokage, still in his office.

"Figures he'd choose his son to be the sacrifice - that fits with what I've read about the Fourth," said Terra.

"What?" asked Naruto, clearly startled.

"What? That was supposed to be a secret too? With a big carving of him looking out across the village for anyone to look at and say 'hey that looks a bit like Naruto'?" Terra snorted.

"Y-you think so too?" asked Hinata.

Hiruzen Sarutobi was abruptly there and standing next to the children. "You know, in a village where everyone is supposed to look 'underneath' things - I think you're the first to comment on that."

"What? Everyone's blind?" asked Terra. "That's as stupid as... well as mistaking Naruto for what's in him."

Naruto blinked, straightened, and began to smile again.

The Hokage merely smiled. There was nothing in that he'd really disagree with after all.

* * *

Naruto went back to work as soon as he got back to his apartment.

He had friends. Friends who liked him despite this belly-seal-thing. He knew fuuinjutsu, so a seal technique... hmmm. He'd have to study his own belly, that'd be tricky.

So you had to reward friends for sticking with you and celebrating stuff like they would be graduating from the Academy soon, right? Right!

So he had to finish working out these summons and stuff.

It should work after all. He had the filters. He had the energy and directions right.

* * *

"Uhm, Naruto? You're smoking in class."

"I had a little problem with a fuuinjutsu array, Iruka-sensei."

"I see," said Iruka. "Toss the jacket out the window then."

"What kind of fuuinjutsu?" asked Terra.

"You'll see this afternoon," said a smirking Naruto.

* * *

"Like this?" asked Hinata, cutting a finger and then rubbing it across her other hand. When Naruto nodded she put that hand down in the little circle on the scroll that he'd indicated.

Sigils and runes lit up, each block of writing in different colors while the main section of script was red. Then everything flamed BLACK.

"Uhm, was that supposed to happen?" asked Hinata nervously.

"Try it," said Naruto.

Hinata chewed her lip nervously, glancing around. Everyone was watching though. And in this case it WAS everyone.

Naruto had started by trying to get just the three of them to go off to the section of town he'd been given for these experiments.

That hadn't worked as apparently word had gotten around that Naruto had gifted his two friends with something Special.

Kiiromaru cleared his throat. "Try to focus, girl."

"Ignore the crowd," advised the Hokage from where he was watching. "I've removed MOST of those who wanted to observe. I'm sure they'll protest enough later." He sighed and muttered something about more paperwork.

"Right," said Hinata, putting that hand down and using the chakra control she'd trained in since she could walk. "SUMMONING JUTSU!"

* * *

Once upon a time, there had been a village of black mages. Artificial beings with a limited lifespan who were created by a villain for a specific purpose. They died, save for one named Vivi who went on to be the parent to an entire race of magically gifted near-humans who eventually intermarried and simply became a magically adept group of humans.

Except that the village abruptly vanished, along with all the broken bodies of those artificial lifeforms.

In a space/time bubble that was eroding, there came stability. The adept creatures within determined what and why within the six hours prior to one of their number vanishing.

They didn't know why, where, or how - but none of that mattered. They had a second chance after all.

* * *

:

Hinata blinked at the sight of the creature which had just appeared. It was about her height and it was quite odd looking. It looked around at all the various people, then finally looked at her, blinking yellow eyes as it considered her.

When the odd creature seemed a little confused, Hinata glanced at Naruto and Terra, then back to the creature. "H-hi. I'm Hinata. I s-summoned you. Do you - do you want to be friends?"

The odd creature turned its (his? her?) full attention to her, nodded its head rapidly and then gave her a thumb's up.

A little emboldened by this, Hinata bowed slightly and nearly fell over. She quickly realized that the summoning had taken a lot out of her.

"Interesting," said the Hokage. "So what can your summon do? For that matter, what IS your summons?"

The creature listened to the Hokage, then turned back to Hinata, cocking his head in a silent question.

"Uhm, that wall?" suggested Hinata, guessing what the creature was asking.

Fire built up around the creature's hands and formed bolts which slammed repeatedly into the wall.

"Ah, a jutsu-user," noted the Hokage. "Very handy for a Hyuga, as your summon can use ranged attacks while you close for using your taijutsu."

"Y-y-yes, Hokage-sama," said Hinata, immediately seeing the Hokage's point.

"Hinata's summoning," said Naruto. "Is the Black Mage contract, which allows her to summon from the Village of Black Mages."

"How did you even know about them?" asked Terra, thinking that was an awful lot.

"I had a dream," said Naruto, shrugging. "It all came to me. Same with yours."

"Mine?" asked Terra, now eager to unwrap her own scroll and see what developed.

"Summoning Jutsu!"

Terra concentrated, her blooded hand touching the stone, and sent her chakra out. Magic was different here, but it was less something strange and more something fundamental. Ninja, samurai, and other elite occupations that she'd encountered all had magic that they'd learned to do.

It was different in some ways, it was similar in others. She didn't remember all of her previous life, and she felt distant from it somehow, but there were things that remained. One thing that remained was that she COULD wield magic. One thing that had changed was that she had only about twice the magical capacity of a typical Academy student. About what the elite clan members in her class had.

Snowflakes drifted down, touching the ground ahead of her. Ice formed at the point of impact, then thrust up in a pillar.

The pillar shattered and...

"You're different from what I expected somehow," said Terra to the little girl who stepped out.

The girl in the white kimono frowned slightly.

"Nothing personal," hastened to add Terra. "Just I have a lot of confused memories."

"**As it should be. You are living this life, not your previous one.**"

"You are Shiva?" asked Terra.

"**I am called that, yes. I am Ice, the cold of the winter's gale. I am the chill that precipitates gas and liquid into solid. I am the landscape that glistens far from the warmth. I am an Aspect of the Universe Entire.**"

"Okay, and you're my first summons," said Terra. "Glad to meet you."

"**And I you, child of destiny. Summon me at need, for neither you nor I can dwell in each other's realm for long.**"

"Okay," said Terra as Shiva vanished. "Weird, I can still kind of feel her."

"Now mine," said Naruto, unfurling his scroll with a flourish. He bit his thumb, spread the blood on his hand and slapped it down into the white space at the heart of a black circle on the paper.

There was a loud puff as something answered.

Terra made a little sound that was more along the line of what Naruto was used to hearing from Sasuke's fangirls.

Appearing out of the puff of chakra smoke was a three foot tall creature that seemed to combine cat and rabbit and human characteristics. If you could get past the little batlike wings and the pompom antennae.

"Greetings and salutations," said the creature. "You have successfully summoned singly the mildly magnificent moogle Montblanc! State your busine-"

_KA-GLOMP!_

"Excuse me," said Montblanc, now with a Terra wrapped around him. "Don't ruffle the fur, kupo!"

"He looks different from what I'm used to," said Terra, "but this fur! This is definitely a moogle!"

"I could use a bit of help here," said Montblanc to Naruto.

"Terra, you're acting like one of Sasuke's fangirls," said Naruto.

_Whippppp!_

"Sorry," said Terra, though she looked like she still wanted to ruffle fur.

"Be that as it may," said Montblanc, straightening his suit and smoothing his fur with quick motions. Also eyeing Terra in case she should launch a glomp again.

"I just signed the moogle contract,' said Naruto. "Chapter twelve of the book I was reading on the subject said you should introduce yourself."

"Ah, yes, the initial introduction between individuals," said Montblanc with a nod that set his pompom quivering. As this also produced a strangled squee from Terra, he took a wary step away from the kunoichi-trainee.

"A-ano," said Hinata, bowing and fighting her own squee-glomp reaction. "The black mages can throw fire and other elemental jutsu. Shiva can produce ice and cold. M-m-might I ask what a 'moogle' does?"

"They dance," said Terra, remembering that much.

"They 'dance'?" asked Naruto.

"I think that's all they do?" asked Terra, sounding uncertain.

"Really," huffed Montblanc. "Rather ridiculous really. Moogles are the magical mechanics most mighty and multi-talented. To limit us to being mere dancers? Pfeh, I say."

"But all moogles dance," said Terra, trying to remember details and not having much success. Still, hadn't Mog been like that? "It's as plain as the pom on your pompom."

"Hmph," said Montblanc. "Summoner! Are those wild woods with their fulsome foliage there amply available for careful cutting?"

The Hokage cleared his throat, reminding everyone of his presence. "What exactly do you need?"

* * *

"Naruto is so uncool," said Sakura, sounding rather less certain than she had last year at this time.

"Right," agreed Ino, also not as certain of that.

"Unlike Sasuke," said Ami, thinking that part indisputable.

"Right," agreed Ino and Sakura.

"So why is Iruka-sensei getting us on the roof and saying that it's something Naruto did?" asked Sakura. "It's not a prank he's pulled, is it?"

"He hasn't been doing those lately," said Ino. "But it must be that. Right?"

* * *

"Why are they talking trash about Naruto again?" said Rylla, the dark elf girl tucking an errant strand of her hair behind one pointed ear and squinting in the direction of the Sasuke Fan Club.

"Because they're idiots," offered Aoi, adjusting her glasses as she read a book - not even bothering to look.

"Terra seems to be getting awful close to Naruto-sama," said Cecily with a frown.

"We don't want to bring trouble to his door, so let her," advised Aoi. "We're only twelve, don't read too much into it."

* * *

The Hokage arrived in a swirl of chakra smoke, followed quickly by six ANBU who looked around uncertainly.

One of the furry little whatevers came walking up with a bundle of cloth. "Kupo! Appropriate forms and clothes are important!"

"Ah," said the Hokage, deciding to pass on the Admiral Hat but taking the coat and fastening it around his shoulders. Form WAS important after all.

"Well?" asked Naruto, standing next to Hinata and Terra. "Is the word given?"

"The word is given," said the Hokage, nodding towards the wheel. "I believe the word is... Engage!"

"Right! Mister Montblanc!" said Naruto.

"Aye aye! You heard the man!" called out Montblanc.

"Aye aye sir! Weigh anchor!"

"Twelve pounds."

_BOP!_ went a thrown rubber mallet into the helmet worn by the punning moogle.

"Magitek batteries to power!"

"Turbines to speed!"

"Lift rotors engaged!"

The propellors began whirring frantically.

"Lift circuits charged!"

The ship slowly lifted as the Hokage stood there, legs slightly spread and arms behind his back. That he was grinning around his pipe wasn't commented on by anyone. He made a single hand-sign and his coat began fluttering dramatically.

"Ojiisan, you know a jutsu for your coat to billow?" asked Terra, seemingly in disbelief.

The Third Hokage nodded.

"That's so COOL!" enthused Naruto, thinking he HAD to learn that one.

"Forward thrust ahead slow, Mister Hyuga" called out Montblanc.

"Ahead slow," agreed Hinata nervously as she nudged the stick to the first selection.

* * *

"What's that buzzing noise?" asked Ino as they waited for SOMETHING to happen.

"Big bugs?" guessed Ami.

"What's that?" asked Sasuke, looking in one direction.

Everyone went silent as the odd shape slowly approached, eventually being shown to be a ship with many propellers whirling with the Hokage standing in a commanding position - with furry little creatures running around the deck and Terra and Hinata and Naruto at various stations on that deck.

Sakura summed it up for everyone present. "Buh wha?"

* * *

"That's an... airship," said one of the mi'qote.

"I want one," said Rylla.

"You can barely tolerate being out in the sunlight and you want to ride around in one of those?" asked Cecily.

"I'll get a freaking parasol or something," said Rylla.

* * *

"Permission to take the ship up to cruising altitude and advance to half-speed?" asked Montblanc of the Hokage.

The Hokage slowly reached up, took the pipe out of his mouth, and seemed to consider the weighty matter. Finally he nodded.

"Going to half speed," said Hinata, having seen that and responding by advancing the lever to that position.

"Right," said Naruto happily, adjusting the controls.

"Ready," said Terra, checking instruments.

* * *

As the speed went up to a fairly good constant movement and the village dwindled below them, one of the ANBU leaned a little closer to the Hokage. "You know, sir. This would make a good delivery and retrieval vehicle for some missions."

"The thought had already occurred to me," admitted the Hokage.

"And?" asked the ANBU.

"Let them have their vehicle for now," said the Hokage. "We may have to take it away, but at least give them today."

The ANBU took a look at the three young friends at the controls, nodded, and stepped back.

* * *

"I can't believe they took our airship," grumbled Naruto.

"The good of the village comes before the good of some genin," grumbled Terra.

"Well, uhm," said Hinata.

"Tests are coming up, we need to study," said Terra. "What do you suppose the odds are they'll put us all on separate teams?"

"What? No," complained Naruto. "Why would they do that?"

"M-maybe we should find a way to avoid that," suggested Hinata.

* * *

"Okay, then," said Iruka. "Top scorer this time is Tokine followed by Cecily."

"Yatta!" declared the redhaired girl.

"What?" asked Sakura. "I was sure I aced that test!"

Iruka checked. "You got one question wrong. Cecily answered all questions correctly, while Tokine not only answered all the questions correctly - she was given a point for detail on question seven. Then you, Sakura, followed by Millhiore."

Tokine inclined her head slightly in acknowledgement.

"You got my name right, sensei!" exclaimed Millhiore Firianno Biscotti.

Kiba looked around at the female-dominated class, remembered the time when this was not the case, and just grinned happily as he leaned back in his chair.

Ino glared at Kiba, sure that something perverted was going on behind that grin.

"Taijutsu practice in ten minutes, so get ready for it," said Iruka before disappearing in a shunshin.

* * *

Kiba sat back and watched the girls have at it.

There were catgirls (meh), dog-girls (yeah baby!), foxgirls (cute), wolfgirls (oh yeah!), elves (too damn elitist), dark elves (leather and lace!), girls who excelled in kenjutsu, girls who had strange kekkei genkai, girls who had a great deal of development for their age, girls who were really good at taijutsu.

Most of whom liked Akamaru and came over to pet him at one point or another.

Oh yeah. He was liking the classes a lot more nowadays.

* * *

"Well, at least he's not summoning large groups anymore," said Homura with a put-upon sigh as punctuation.

Koharu nodded. "A couple of those girls remind me of me when I was considerably younger."

"Ugh," said Homura.

"What was that?" asked Koharu.

"N-nothing," said Homura quickly. Not mentioning that he'd pictured the girls in question aged to their own number of years. He promised his imagination that if it went there again, he'd find a rusty kunai and gut it.

"The fox-child has done well, but it's just as well that this special jutsu remain sealed and kept in the Hokage Tower," commented Koharu. "Yes, just as well."

AUTHOR'S NOTES:

No, this is not a Naruto Gets Everybody/Tenchi Solution setup. Logically, that wouldn't be possible or legal in ninja society even if he does have the ability to spam shadow clones.

Yes, it could go any number of weird ways, depending on who ends up on Naruto's team.

Scylla is the best i could recollect, there was a drow girl who sounded interesting who was a battlemaster of the Promenade under Qilue's command, but i'm drawing a complete blank on the name. So, an expy/alternate of her, same basic deal as what happened with Terra.

Downer endings aren't usually very funny after all, and this IS a result of Toltiir meddling.


	22. Chapter 22: Wishing  Yuffie

**Another Fistful Of Omake**

by Greylle

DISCLAIMER: Original series belong to someone else.  
NOTE: The following is just an idea that came to me and started developing. Someone suggested i just go ahead and jump the canon rails.

Omake 22: Naruto & Yuffie?  
This was one of those ideas i ended up dropping due to comments.

* * *

The cat-shaped elder god who was mainly mischievous brought up a display. "Here's the changepoint. You remember the mission to Wave Country, right?"

"Building bridges, right," said Naruto.

"Major changes are here and here," said Toltiir, bringing images up in holographic displays. "Zabuza severing your spinal cord is only a slight change in technique."

"**Leaving the boy paralyzed for life is NOT exactly a positive change,**" pointed out the Kyubi.

"Which is where this change comes into place," said Toltiir. "This one is further back and affects both of you. Naruto's intelligence is only increased by about twenty points but as the Kyubi shares your intelligence you both benefit."

"**So?**" asked the Kyubi.

"So, rather than be stuck in a paralyzed host, you get Naruto to link his senses directly to you," said Toltiir. "In return for which, you rebuild his body. Taller, stronger, faster, quicker healing and recovery rates. Wee little problem with muscle control at first since you ARE considerably stronger and tougher, with a higher tissue density. All of which are genetically tracked, making you the proud originator of a bloodline."

"Taller?" asked Naruto, perking up.

"Yes," said Toltiir.

"**If it's less boring and less of a sewer, that suits me as well,**" admitted the Kyubi.

"What's the downside?" asked Naruto, showing a surprising amount of insight. Which indicated that the IQ boost might already have taken place.

"At least at first, controlling your uprated strength and reflexes," said Toltiir. "I AM a god of mischief after all. Having comedic moments is a requirement. Of course, with your strength uprated all the supporting tissue and bones have to be toughened up by a considerable margin. So you'll weigh more too, though there are ways of decreasing the overall weight without sacrificing strength."

"Oh," said Naruto, not immediately seeing how being stronger would be funny.

"Increasing your sensory capabilities and intelligence a bit more at that time also fits, and benefits things," decided Toltiir. "I'm still trying to decide whether an Aura Of Cool or Aura Of Sex Appeal would be funnier in the long run."

"Aura of Sex Appeal?" asked Naruto.

"**Okay. Mind you, that won't kick in really until after the time skip.**"

"After the what?" asked Naruto.

"**Now, after your insertion, you won't remember the future except in flashes and dreams. Maybe after you have gotten used to your new abilities, I'll put in a trigger and you can have full memories return at that point if you use it.**"

"Waitaminute, what's this about an aura and what's a timeskipper and it's got a trigger?" asked a confused Naruto.

"**You need to work on keeping up with things. Once you fall behind, you can't always catch up. Let's see. Maybe if we go with something other than the Should Have Been Fatal injury...**"

"Hey!" complained Naruto.

"**Now let's see, why not go ahead and do something a bit different. Maybe - this.**"

* * *

"Are we there yet?" asked Naruto.

"For the thousandth time - NO!" said Sakura, bopping Naruto on the top of his head.

"Actually, it's only been a dozen times," muttered Kakashi.

Naruto frowned as suddenly Sakura seemed a lot less cute for reasons he had no idea about. And why did he hear an evil-sounding chuckle from somewhere deep within the recesses of his mind?

"It's getting late," noted Kakashi in a more normal voice. "We'll have to set up a campsite soon."

"That and it looks like it'll rain," said Naruto, pointing out that the cloud cover had been getting more ominous for the past few hours.

There was a rumbling and a gust of wet wind, prompting Sakura to bop Naruto on the head and mutter something about Tempting Fate.

"So Wave Country is more than a day away?" asked Sakura.

"Yes," said Kakashi. "Three days travel. We'll be able to cut time considerably on the way back though since we won't have to keep to a normal walking pace for Tazuna."

"Good," said Tazuna. "Huh. I don't remember that there."

Everyone followed the bridgebuilder's pointing finger to show something just off the path to their right.

Kakashi looked at the two statues near the road, bordering a faint path leading onto the shrine grounds. "Some sort of cat spirit?"

"Yes, the cat of chaos, patron of humor."

"WAGHHHH!" screamed Naruto and Sakura as they leapt away from the short ugly bald monk who was suddenly just THERE.

_Thud!_ Tazuna fainted.

The short fellow looked at the twitching Sasuke. "Your face is... most ominous."

Sakura recovered enough to try punching the little monk who'd just insulted Sasuke. She was NOT ready for the little guy to stop her punch without even looking in her direction. She certainly wasn't ready for him to fling her away like a rag doll.

"Attacking a monk is bad luck," pointed out the little guy, clapping his hands together and rustling a string of prayer beads. "So it is written."

Sakura completed her arc. Naruto got his heart-rate back under control. Sasuke looked mildly annoyed.

Kakashi considered the way Sakura had been thrown to impact a tree and gradually slide down to land on her buttocks. "So you're a retired ninja?"

"I'm merely Sakuranbou, a monk and caretaker of this shrine. My niece Sakura is the miko but she is currently out doing an exorcism," said the little monk. "If you prefer, I am frequently called Cherry."

"Sounds like a girl's name," opined Naruto.

_THWACK jingle_

Sasuke eyed where Naruto was now face-first in the dirt, having had the monk produce his staff and bring it down on Naruto's head in less time than it took to blink. "He had that coming."

Cherry shook his head. "Well, come in. The rain won't hold off for long and I'm well acquainted with the way old bones get when out in the rain."

"I'm not THAT old," protested Kakashi.

"I meant that one," said Cherry, using his staff to point at the still-fainted Tazuna.

"I don't like this, Kakashi-sensei," said Sakura as she rejoined them. "It could be a trap."

"Hmph," said Cherry, turning his back on all of them. "Come. Or don't come. Make your mind up quickly. In this area, the rains can be pretty heavy."

Sakura waited until the little guy had gone through the doorway before commenting. "Well, maybe it won't rain at all!"

Kakashi sighed and hung his head. He just knew what was going to happen now. And Sakura had just lectured Naruto on the very subject of Tempting Fate.

Naruto held his hand out. "Hey. I just felt a raindrop."

Sasuke sighed and picked up one of Tazuna's arms. "Dobe?"

"Yeah yeah," said Naruto, grumbling as he picked up the other arm of Tazuna.

"It's not much of a rain," protested Sakura, having completely forgotten her lecture to Naruto.

Kakashi was abruptly in the doorway, checking it out to make sure it wasn't a trap. That he was therefore under cover before the heavens opened up and a torrential rainpour began was purely a coincidence. A strong wind began to blow, whipping the rain around in gusts.

Naruto and Sasuke moved very quickly despite their burden to take shelter alongside their sensei. Cherry moved a little more sedately but he'd also tapped his priest's staff on the ground and a parasol had unfolded to make a somewhat clumsy umbrella.

Sakura stood there for over a minute before the now-soggy kunoichi turned her face heavenward. "You call THIS a rainstorm? This is nothing!"

The wind gusted particularly strong, enough that it threw her into a tree. Then lightning struck.

* * *

"That looks like medic-nin healing," commented Kakashi.

"Hmph, you ninja. Everything looks like ninjutsu to you," said Cherry, his hands glowing with green light as he healed the girl's wounds. "Honestly. I told you at the outset this was a shrine to a god of humor. Daring that god to hit you? She should be glad she just got a near-miss from a lightning strike."

"You can heal wounds like that? That's cool," said Naruto as he watched.

"Like your ninjutsu, this is chakra-based," explained Cherry. "I am a monk however, and do with spiritual powers what you do with hand-seals and ninja technique."

"Ungh," said Sakura. "What?"

"So it IS like medical jutsu," said Kakashi.

"I've heard some of your medic-nin use similar techniques," admitted Cherry. "It just bothers me that anyone using chakra for anything automatically becomes a ninja as far as a ninja is concerned. Not everyone who trains to be able to use chakra is comfortable with the whole 'knife in the shadows' lifestyle you know."

"Well, that's true," admitted Kakashi. "Not even all ninja are particularly fond of that lifestyle."

"Hmph," hmphed Cherry, getting up as soon as he'd finished. "I suppose. Someone want to start the fire? Getting damn chilly."

Sasuke shrugged slightly, walked to the firepit, and spat a little flame into the stack of wood.

"That's handy. I'll get the kettle," said Cherry finally. "It's nice to have guests. Don't get much traffic this way. Especially lately."

Tazuna saw this as his cue and started in on the troubles with Wave and That Damn Gato.

Cherry listened as he prepared an iron teapot and put it on a hook that allowed it to dangle above the fire. "Well, that explains a few things, I suppose."

"Maybe if I finish building the bridge, you'll get more business," said Tazuna.

"Hmph. If you finish the bridge, send word. I'll come by and bless it," said Cherry. "More business for you, more business for me."

Sakura looked around the old-seeming shrine, noticing the large wooden cat-statue against one wall, as well as the blankets that had been spread out.

"So what kind of business do you do?" asked Kakashi, still regarding everything around him and debating how likely this place was.

"When I'm not here, I put up a ward that makes people not notice this shrine, then I go out and do exorcisms and blessings and the like for the most part," said Cherry. "When I'm here, I can do those and weddings. The occasional sealing of dangerous items, removing of curses, typical priest stuff. Though often people will come here for wishes instead."

"'Wishes'?" asked Naruto.

Cherry nodded as he poked at the fire, adding another stick in the process. "Yes. Wishes. There's always a price though, a law of equivelant exchange. You have to give something to get something."

"That's true in everything," said Kakashi, eyeing his students. "In order to get very good at chakra control, you have to practice. That's a sacrifice of time, energy, and effort. Same with taijutsu."

"Yes," said Cherry with a nod. "Natural talent can give you a good start, but it will only go so far."

"Hnn," grunted Sasuke.

"So if I wish I was Hokage?" asked Naruto.

"Hmph, you couldn't afford it, nor should you want to get it that way," said Cherry. "Kids. So impatient."

"True," agreed Kakashi.

"Wishes, huh?" asked Naruto. "How about I wish for a big bowl of ramen?"

Cherry tapped the kettle, pulled a cup of ramen out of one sleeve, and then proceeded to produce several UFO bowls out of his OTHER sleeve.

Naruto blinked as the monk began pouring water into bowls.

"Did you say something?" asked Cherry.

"Uhm, no," said Naruto, exchanging glances with the others.

Cherry shrugged. "I was expecting visitors, but didn't really feel like cooking anything. Especially when one of them would have such an ominous face."

Sasuke frowned at the reminder.

* * *

"Uhm, hey, oldguy?"

Cherry looked up from his poking of the fire. "Why aren't you asleep with the others?"

"Well, because this is my turn at watch," said Naruto.

"Ah, I see," said the old monk.

"Uhm, since you're awake, can I ask you something?" asked Naruto.

"You just did," pointed out Cherry. "You have a most ominous chakra. The other boy has a most ominous face. And the girl has a most ominous temper."

"Boy you can say THAT again," agreed Naruto. He wasn't too sure about the ominous chakra bit, but he'd learned the hard way about respecting Sakura's temper.

"No, too easy," said Cherry. "Not touching that one."

"Eh?" asked Naruto.

"What do you want, loudmouth?" asked Cherry.

"Eh? Why do you call me..."

"Respect, you have to give it to get it," said Cherry, poking at the fire again. "If I'm 'oldguy' you'll be 'loudmouth' right?"

"...but oldguy..."

"Hmph, if you're asking for favors or information, you're not doing a good job of it," said Cherry, shaking his head. "Not completely your fault. That ominous chakra is screwing with your brain. Making you dumber than you otherwise would have been."

"You mean... it's giving me brain damage?" asked Naruto.

_That would explain a few things,_ thought Kakashi as he listened to the conversation.

"Hmph, you should have a seal master put an extra filter on that," said Cherry.

"You said that your god here granted wishes?" asked Naruto, deciding that beating around the bush wasn't his style anyway. Besides, what kind of bush was it he was supposed to beat around and why would you do it in the first place?

"Yes, though there's always a payment for any wish," said Cherry. "If you make a wish, I will know what the payment for it will be."

"What if I wish... that I wasn't getting that brain damage stuff?" asked Naruto, his voice dropping from hushed to barely whispered.

"Stop wearing so much orange," said Cherry.

"Wha?" asked Naruto.

"-and would it kill you to learn to actually be stealthy?" asked Cherry, who then quietly clapped his hands together three times. "You do okay when pranking someone, but the rest of the time you're just begging to be a target. So says the god of pranks and mishaps."

"R-really?" asked Naruto. "But all I've got are orange jumpsuits!"

"I'd suggest a wardrobe change then," said Cherry. "Though that's just my advice."

"...ugh," said Naruto. "Well, what about if I wish I was really strong? A future Hokage's got to be really strong, you know!"

Cherry's head came up, and Naruto took three steps back. The monk's eyes were glowing but it couldn't seem to settle on a color.

"**Let those asleep remain asleep. Let those awake hear and remember,**" said the oddly reverberant voice of the priest. "**Know this, carrier of the Demon Fox. You are a child of prophesy and may become the savior of the ninja world. Against you will be arrayed formidable enemies - enemies whose power is such that you might as well be a newborn babe.**"

"So I'll just have that much more chance to be awesome, right?"

"**Or dead. Which is actually pretty darn likely.**"

"You can't see any happier possibilities?" asked Naruto weakly.

"**I can see all of your possibilities, child of the Uzumaki clan. The question is what possibilities you will embrace. You are only getting this conversation because you ARE so important to the future of this world. So other than suggesting to your sensei that he start teaching more earnestly, I'm going to suggest that YOU come up with a specific desire. What boon do you want?**"

"What's it gonna cost me?" asked Naruto.

"**You can only eat ramen for one meal a week...**"

"Ack, no!" reacted Naruto.

"**Stop letting the pinkette pound you. That and the fart jokes get old really fast.**"

"But..." Naruto's eyes immediately tracked to the sleeping Sakura.

"**For crying out loud, use more imagination when you prank someone! You're not in grade school anymore.**"

"Hey," protested Naruto.

"**And specify how you want to be improved, make the wish.**"

"Oh yeah," said Naruto, getting tired of this. "Well, I just wish..."

"**You have to say it.**"

"I want to be even more awesome than I am now!" declared Naruto.

"**You think you're awesome in this land of ninja and ninjutsu? Observe.**"

Kakashi saw them all just as Naruto did. One ninja technique after another. Each of which was, as promised, possessed of awesomeness. Though, for some reason, some of the attacks didn't look like ninjutsu at all. Kakashi was just sorry that he wasn't able to use his Sharingan to copy any of them.

"**Ice Release: Thousand Needles. Wind Scar. Storm Release: Laser Circus. Silent Wall. Sage Mode Rasengan. Sage Art: Goemon. Susanoo. Amaterasu. Yata No Kagami. Explosive Shadow Clones. Heaven's Lance. Amatsu-Mikaboshi. Daikokuten. Lava Release: Lava Globs. Bansho Ten'in. Shinra Tensei. Two Tailed Monster Cat Fireball. Menacing Ball. Wood Release. Kirin. Star Release Burst: Homing Round. Midas Meteor Storm.**"

"Whoa," said Naruto.

"**Your claim to be awesome is what, exactly?**"

"Wait... am I going to be fighting people who can do that?" asked Naruto, putting some comments together and finding a result that had him feeling a lot less confident.

"**At least some of them. Yes. And more. The kage of Iwa can use a disintegration technique that would turn you to dust and less than dust in an instant. The person who most wants you dead could simply destroy your mind, leaving your body behind for him to play with at his leisure.**"

THAT got to Naruto as the idea of dying pretty much terrified him, but the idea of something perverted happening to him while he was helpless made him even less happy. Of course, the 'play with at his leisure' wasn't referring to anything at all of that nature - but Toltiir thought the boy's reaction amusing.

Kakashi tried not to vomit inside his mask as his OWN imagination worked through various scenarios, with rather more detail than Naruto could manage.

"**You are not currently awesome, Naruto.**"

"Oh yeah?" said Naruto. "Shadow Clone Jutsu!"

The cat statue looked around at the various Naruto and then back at the original. "**Yeah, so?**"

"Harem jutsu!" declared Naruto, making the hundred or so shadow clones all unclad female versions who then cooed and draped themselves in various suggestive manners around the room.

"**Okay. Your point is?**" asked the wooden statue.

There was a series of pops and bamfs as several clones dispersed. The rest just looked disappointed.

"**Multiple Shadow Clone technique is fine as a basic technique and force multiplier, but your taijutsu skills are not particularly impressive and you are not even making full use of the less obvious applications of that technique.**"

"Okay," said Naruto. "I've got an idea."

Kakashi checked, found he could move, and did so.

"I wish mfff mmmble MRF!" was Naruto's predictable response.

"Let me see if I understand the situation. You're a deity," said Kakashi.

"**Yes**."

"You're a deity who specializes in things like mischief and pranks?" asked Kakashi, wanting to be sure of this.

"**That's correct.**"

"And you're granting Naruto Uzumaki, the hyperactive knuckleheaded most unpredictable ninja of the Leaf Village, a wish in which he could have almost anything he wanted?" asked Kakashi.

**Within certain limits, yes, that's right.**"

"And you're doing this because he's a prophesied child who is to save the ninja world?" asked Kakashi.

"**He is the keystone. He will either become the savior of the ninja world, or he will die before then. If it is the latter of the two, your civilization falls as well.**"

"MF?" asked Naruto, still with his mouth covered by Kakashi.

"How long after his death..." asked Kakashi, considering for the first time the plans he'd heard of some people he'd dismissed as idiots. Ones that wanted the jinchuriki of the ninetails to be thrown into a prison where he'd only come out when needed.

"**It depends on how and where he dies. If Akatsuki captures him, the ninetailed fox will be extracted from him. Due to his Uzumaki stamina, he would survive though just barely. Then one of their number would sever his head and take it to Iwa because he is of the right age and coloration to be the son of the Fourth. You know as well as I do what their tests would reveal.**"

"MRF FRRFF?"

"I see," said Kakashi.

"**In that case, your ninja civilization would end in three years and seven months. If he dies on your current mission - it will take seven years for your civilization to fall. If Sakura managed to hit his skull just right, causing Naruto to die from the eventual complications, your world might die in screaming agony a mere year later. It all depends on circumstances.**"

"Sakura? I would have thought Sasuke. Maybe," mused Kakashi.

"**If Sasuke kills Naruto after deserting your village to seek more power, then things come to a head in a little less than five years - depending on a few variables dealing with certain traitors to your village.**"

"Sasuke's going to desert the village?" asked Kakashi, his eye staring briefly at the animated statue. _No, surely not. Even if... well maybe._

"**I have an idea.**"

"What's that?" asked Kakashi, a little preoccupied with thoughts of Sasuke and village-traitors. He was sorely tempted to abandon the mission NOW and get this info to the Hokage. Maybe he should send Pakkun.

"**A savior. Someone who can heal, or someone who can create perhaps? Either would be suitable I would think. He wants to have an 'awesome' ability or jutsu.**"

"He froze when facing the Demon Brothers," pointed out Kakashi.

"That was just one time, Kakashi-sensei," protested Naruto as soon as he could pry the hand off his mouth.

"I really expected better, considering your past," said Kakashi.

"**The Kage of Iwa has his Dust Release Jutsu, so something of equal value for one who seeks an equal rank?** mused aloud the deity. "**Something staged perhaps, that is unlocked through further experience.**"

"If you're going to be any kind of savior Naruto, you're going to have to dress better and think about what you're doing," stressed Kakashi.

"I suppose..." allowed Naruto.

"Meh, deity-san," said Kakashi, "Mokuton, and some Earth Release techniques create, don't they?"

"**More a transformation of existing mass, but I suppose you have a point,**" allowed the statue. "**Mokuton it is then.**"

"What?" asked Kakashi.

"**The Uzumaki and Senju lines connect at several points, so it isn't completely impossible. His primary elemental affinity is Wind, so adding Earth and Water and connections between is not a terribly great stretch,**" said the being.

"Water, Wind, and Earth?" asked Kakashi, twitching a little bit.

"**Not enough?**"

"So, does that mean I could do something suitably awesome?" asked Naruto.

"The First Hokage had Mokuton," pointed out Kakashi.

"**It would be best if he not only had a tutor learning to use those chakra combinations, but had some skills taught him in the finished product. Carpentry or woodworking for wood techniques, masonry or sculpture for the earthen manifestations. Perhaps...**"

"Maybe some D-Rank missions when we get back," mused Kakashi, seeing the point.

"**Very well then. I'll leave you with that.**"

"Waitamoment," said Kakashi, holding up a hand. "Nothing for his companions? He's part of a team you know. It's really not fair for him to get something when his companions don't."

"**Oh? What exactly are you suggesting? The Uchiha boy already has the capacity for a powerful Sharingan after all.**"

Kakashi smiled under his mask.

Naruto followed most of what was going on, but a question had been bothering him for awhile. When Kakashi finally nodded and apparently agreed to what the statue had compromised to - he decided it was time to speak up. "Ne ne. How are we going to explain this, anyway? I mean if I suddenly have some new ability, aren't Sasuke and Sakura going to have trouble with that?"

"**Oh. I have a plan in mind. This will happen tomorrow...**"

* * *

Haku was aware of Zabuza's position, which was a bit further on. He himself was ready right here, with a substitution ready with that little rabbit he kept for just such an emergency.

Not that this group looked like such preparations would be necessary.

"Kakashi-sensei?" asked a girl with pink (?) hair. "What's up with those clouds?"

Haku blinked and wondered what that meant. Being concealed in the foliage like this meant he couldn't move without taking the chance that it would be noted.

"I mean," said the pinkette, "it looks odd and moved fairly quickly and it's... EEEK!"

"Hmmm, a black cloud that just opened to show a gold eye?" Kakashi's voice sounded only mildly curious.

Haku very slowly and carefully moved his head to peer up, moving a bit of foliage. Yes, that was exactly it. Was this a genjutsu?If it was, who had cast it?

A spotlight formed from the eye to spear one of the Konoha genin.

"**You.**"

"Me?" yelped the blonde in the spotlight.

"**You who are the prophesied child. You who are the one whom fate swirls around. You who may become the savior of your world. Yes, you - Naruto Uzumaki.**"

"Me?" squeaked Naruto.

"Naruto? Prophesied? Savior?" asked Sakura skeptically. "Ha! Yeah right."

_BLAM!_

Sasuke looked down at where Sakura had just been imbedded into the road by golden lightning. He considered that, and decided to withhold comment himself.

"Might I ask who you are?" asked Kakashi, his voice almost seeming to be bored with these events.

"**Just a passing deity who sees a world beset with darkness. This boy has descent from the Senju line and from the Mandate Of The Heavens. If he dies, your world shall perish within a generation.**"

Sakura heaved herself up. "We need to be saved by Naruto? That's it, we're doomed."

_BLAM!_

Sasuke glanced down at the re-imbedded Sakura. "Hn."

"**Now... where was I again?**"

"Descended from the Senju clan and some Mandate," prompted Kakashi.

"**Oh right. Thanks. Due to the need, I will awaken his latent bloodlines. That might make up for his lack of survival skills.**"

"Too bad you can't just make him smarter," grumbled Sakura as she pried herself out of the hole.

"**Hmmm. Point. Done.**"

Sakura finished flinching as she realized she hadn't been re-re-imbedded into the road. "Whew."

Sasuke nodded at Sakura.

"Stupid big voiced," began Sakura under her breath as she got back up.

_BLAM!_

"**Some people just ****have**** to push their luck.**"

"True," admitted Kakashi. "Though usually it's Naruto."

"True," agreed Sasuke.

"..." sulked Naruto.

"Mff," protested Sakura as she tried to pry herself loose.

"So," said Kakashi, "Wood Release?"

"**And Ice Release. He'll still need to find some training.**"

"That'll be tricky," said Kakashi. "Where are we going to find someone with Ice Release?"

Haku couldn't possibly have frozen any more than he already was.

"**Well, that's enough divine intervention for this generation I think.**"

"Just a moment, passing deity-san," said Kakashi, holding a hand up. "You're doing this because of this 'mandate of heaven' thing?"

"**Yes.**"

"And Naruto is necessary for our world to survive?" asked Kakashi.

"**True.**"

"Well," said Kakashi. "He's part of a team. Part of being with a team means helping your team to survive. Now, if his team had something else to help with that regard..."

"**Ah. You're negotiating for a better deal. How very human. Very well. But there's always a cost.**"

"A cost?" asked Kakashi.

"**For example, I could grant Sakura Haruno the sort of power she'll need to attain many of her dreams. The sort of kekkei genkai that will allow her to be more than a stagehand, but take her own place on the stage.**"

"Hey! I'll have you know I've got..." Sakura paused as she prepared to go on about her abilities.

"**Observe.**"

Images began flashing before the genin (also Haku and Zabuza) to show the sort of powerful jutsu they could face in the future.

"**Do you really think your trapmaking skills, clone jutsu, substitution jutsu, and transformation illusion abilities are going to help you in your goals? Both the private and public ones?**"

"What are you suggesting, passing deity-san?" asked Kakashi politely.

"**A transformation. Like the other kekkei genkai out there, but with a touch of animal traits. Rather like the Inuzuka clan, only a bit more advanced. Like a kekkei genkai, one that can be passed down to her heirs.**"

"Oh?" asked Kakashi. "Like what?"

_POOF!_

"**Behold Slug-girl!**"

"NOT ONLY NO, BUT HELL NO!" declared Sakura as she discovered herself to be some slug-centaur.

_POFF!_

"**Goat-girl!**"

Sakura's expression was flat as she spat a tin can out of her mouth. "No."

_PIFF!_

"**Batgirl?**"

"The wings are nice," admitted Sakura as she tried them out, "but these ears? NO."

_PLOOF!_

"**Rabbit girl?**"

"This isn't too bad," admitted Sakura, checking out her long bunny ears and fluffy cotton tail. These ears were cute as opposed to deformed after all. "What does this do?"

"**I used the Daicon Bunnygirl as a base, so enormous strength and durability, plus hearing in a wide range and exceptionally sensitive as well.**"

"Put that down as a 'maybe'," suggested Sakura, checking Sasuke for any reaction. There wasn't any. "Actually, I'd expect speed to be more of an issue."

_POOF!_

"**Lamia! Think how popular this will make you with snake summoners!**"

"I happen to like having legs."

_Pumf!_

"**Jurougumo! Doesn't she make a cute spider-girl?**"

"Too many legs!"

_Paff!_

"**Centaur! Speed, endurance, and a height advantage!**"

"Still too many legs."

_Puff!_

"**Dog? You get excellent hearing, a nose that can track and detect a large number of things, and a bushy tail you can wag.**"

"Uhm, Sakura?" Naruto held up a hand. "If you go with that, Kiba's going to be all over you. Literally."

"Right. No dog," agreed Sakura.

_Pwiff!_

"**Slime? Being able to slither through small cracks, ooze along ceilings?**"

"NO!"

_Piffle!_

"**Harpy - a decent flier.**"

"I need arms."

_Prappppp!_

_zwip-chomp_ "Wha? AGHHHHH!"

"**Frog is out?**"

"I just ate a bug!"

"Yes," provided Kakashi. "No frog. Though really, that's a kappa."

_Pwump!_

"**Cat, the traditional nekomimi. Comes with enhanced speed and agility, parabolic hearing and enhanced range and sensitivity. The downside is certain feline behavior patterns.**"

"If I'm so pathetic," said Sakura, having a tsun moment. "WHY DON'T YOU JUST REPLACE ME?"

"**If that is what you wish. Okay.**"

_Piff!_

"What... just happened?" asked Naruto, staring at the little puff of pink smoke where Sakura had been.

"**Time is being reset. Sakura Haruno now did not get assigned to Team 7.**"

"You killed Sakura-chan?" asked a shocked Naruto.

"**No. Why would you think that?**"

"What DID you do with her then?" asked a shocked Kakashi.

"**Time has been reset. When the changes catch up, the kunoichi assigned to Team 7 will be someone else - who will appear at that time.**"

"So Sakura's alive?" asked Naruto, wanting this particular point to be clear.

"**Yes. I believe I just said that, didn't I? She is currently helping her mother around their house. The past was altered so that Team 7 has never included her. When you encounter her in the future, she will not remember ever having been in your team. I went with the quickest method regarding this event.**"

"So who IS the team kunoichi?" asked Kakashi, not entirely sure what to make of this.

"**That happens to be Yuffie Kisaragi, an... acquisitions specialist.**"

"Does that mean what I think it means?" asked Kakashi.

"**It means ****exactly**** what you think it means.**"

"Oh dear," said Kakashi, hanging his head.

"Well, Kakashi-sensei? What does it mean?" asked Naruto.

"It means that she specializes in 'acquiring' things," said Kakashi. "There were a few of them in the last war. They scavenge the battlefield, but unlike actual scavengers who wait till the battle is done their specialization allows them to acquire things during battle."

"They're thieves then," said Sasuke.

"Basically," said Kakashi. "A skilled acquisitor can get into a fight with an opponent, then break away, only to have the opponent realize all their scrolls and money have been already 'acquired' and are now halfway across the battlefield. Sleight of hand, misdirection, and stealth are all tools in the acquisitor's hands. So what's this 'Yuffie' a collector of? Every acquisition type has a specialty."

"**Yuffie likes money, but it is mainly her passion for scrolls and new ninjutsu that stands out. She is also quite fond of thrown weapons, and has a rivalry with Tenten of Team Guy.**"

"Oh?" asked Kakashi, sensing potential trouble.

"**Yes, Tenten is better as far as accuracy and being able to throw large numbers of weapons. Yuffie prefers oversized weapons in smaller numbers, often supplemented by explosive tags or poisons or the use of wires to control the projectiles.**"

"Oh," said Naruto.

"**Fare thee well then, heroes.**"

"WAIT!" demanded Naruto as the presence faded away.

"Wait? Who are you talking to, Naruto?" said an unfamiliar girl as she walked up out of the bushes.

"Who are you?" asked Naruto.

"...Geez, Naruto. I realize you act like an idiot most of the time, but you've been a lot better since we left the Academy." The girl glanced towards Kakashi. "Kakashi-sensei? Did Naruto eat anything funny again? He's not going to start hallucinating or foaming at the mouth is he?"

"No, at least I don't think so, Yuffie," said Kakashi, putting things together and going with it.

The girl shrugged. "Well, let's get going then."

"You're Yuffie?" asked Naruto.

"...are you sure you didn't get into my poison supply or something?" asked Yuffie.

"Uhm, right, Yuffie..." said Naruto, trying to act as if he remembered her and failing miserably.

"Well, we need to get moving," said Kakashi. "We're almost there and I'd expect enemy ninja spying on our position to start showing up."

"Oh, you mean like the one hiding over there?" asked Yuffie, pointing.

"The one that just used a substitution jutsu, followed by a shunshin, and is fleeing wildly away from us? Yes, rather like that one," admitted Kakashi.

Yuffie held something up. "I wonder how long it will take him to realize I stole his mask."

"That's from a Kiri hunter-nin, you really ought to return it at the nearest opportunity," said Kakashi.

* * *

There was a certain art to retconning. Most wizards and reality alterers shifted things and then let the universe take care of the fine details. Which sometimes worked just fine, and at other times - not so much.

Toltiir added Yuffie Kisaragi without so much as a ripple. There was now a bar called the 7th Heaven which was in Konohagakure, which was as close to home as any place Yuffie had. A war orphan much like Naruto in that regard, but someone who'd experienced even less in the way of material possessions after a thief stole everything from her.

She got even, years later, of course.

Yuffie was one of those girls who did NOT have a crush on Sasuke. In fact, she regarded Naruto and Sasuke as sort-of brothers. Sasuke was the stuck-up brooding serious older brother, Naruto the fun-loving and somewhat idiotic younger brother. That they were all the same age was beside the point as far as Yuffie was concerned.

She had a rival - Tenten of Team Guy. Both of them used thrown weapons, sealing scrolls, and ninja-wire. Tenten was more apt to use precise aim and throwing lots of weapons. Yuffie favored oversized weapons, poisons, and explosive tags. Tenten was very direct and to the point, lots of sharp stabby points. Yuffie preferred to throw a lot less and use misdirection, then steal everything she could get her hands on.

As a number of people of Konoha could attest - Yuffie could get her hands on quite a lot.

As far as Yuffie was concerned though - that was her role now that she was part of Team 7 because she'd been the top-rated kunoichi of her class. She was the stealth expert, information gatherer, supplies acquirer. Sasuke was the hard-hitting skills expert who would unlock his Sharingan and then steal techniques as easily as she stole physical possessions. Naruto, as far as she was concerned, had always had the Mokuton and Hyoton bloodlines - but lousy control. On the other hand, he could use his shadow clones to give her a distraction so she could work in relative peace.

So Kakashi, Naruto, and Sasuke openly guarded the client as they walked along the road. That was their role. She was the shadow flitting in and out of view, rapid movement followed by complete stillness.

Unlike the two boys, she had no bloodline abilities and had to rely on whatever she could acquire or develop herself. So, if she had to have a specialty, she supposed that was hers.

* * *

"Haku, where's your mask?"

"A ninja stole it," said Haku. "Some genin, but she excels at silent movement."

"Interesting," said Zabuza. "So what else can you tell me about this ninja team?"

"Well," said Haku, wondering how to put what he'd seen into a formal report.

Zabuza waited, impatience beginning to show.

"Zabuza-sama," began Haku, hesitating. "I'm sure you won't believe this. But-"

"What did you think about that passing deity?" asked Zabuza.

"Y-you know about that?" asked Haku.

Zabuza pointed to a corner of the room where there was a 48" plasma HD TV.

"We don't have a TV," noted Haku.

"Passing deity," said Zabuza. "I wanted your impression of the events."

"An idiot, an emo, and a thief whose jonin is a lazy scarecrow," said Haku. Who was still a bit put out that his mask had gotten stolen.

"An idiot with two bloodlines, an emo with an inactive Sharingan, and a kleptomaniac stealth expert," said Zabuza. "Not to mention I recognized the 'scarecrow' as Copycat Kakashi. This job has gotten very interesting and overly complicated."

"I see," said Haku.

"Haku, most ninja avoid doing anything with temples or similar buildings," said Zabuza. "It's not because we respect religions or fear any reprisal from them. It's because deities of any kind can be a pain in the butt and hit you when you least expect it."

"I see, Zabuza-sama," said Haku.

"Even if this one does stay out of things from now on, the operation has a tendency to get messy," said Zabuza, sitting down and setting his sword to the side. "Now I have to figure out what to do. The original plan was a confrontational brute force attack. While we could still do so, that 'mandate of the heavens' thing concerns me. If my plans are to ever be realized, it really doesn't factor in world-ending scenarios."

"What about killing their client when he's alone?" asked Haku, thinking about approaches.

"That is one consideration," admitted Zabuza. "If we can get him alone from the Konoha team it would be a quick hit-and-run."

Haku nodded, thinking this didn't sound that difficult. The old man was a drunkard anyway.

"Even with the stealth expert and the various bloodlines involved," said Zabuza, still thinking things over, "a direct physical confrontation would still be a consideration. Let's try modifying the plan a bit."

* * *

A/N: dropped due to it shaping up to similar lines with some of the other threads.


	23. Chapter 23: Inari the White Fox

**Another Fistful Of Omake**

by Greylle

DISCLAIMER: Original series belong to someone else.  
NOTE: The following is just an idea that came to me and started developing. Someone suggested i just go ahead and jump the canon rails.

Omake 23: Inari, not the bijuu you remember?  
This idea came out of another idea, i thought this might be more workable.

* * *

Naruto blinked, realizing he was sitting on a treebranch, wearing a white outfit, looking down at the other kids playing, except for the one girl who was over there watching him.

He turned a smile her way, only to see her face turn red and for her to duck completely behind that powerline pole.

_What just happened?_

Naruto managed a yelp before something pulled him inside his own consciousness.

* * *

The first thing he noted was that this was NOT a sewer with a big barred door behind which a demon-fox glared at him.

Instead there was a bishonen-looking youth in priest robes, chewing on the end of a piece of hay, walking around him and they were in the middle of a well-kept shrine.

"This is very strange," said the priest.

"Who? What? Where?" asked Naruto.

"Inari," said the priest, making a European-style courtly bow. "The good part of the Ninetailed Demon Fox. Yin and Yang, you understand? Except that the nine Tailed Beasts aren't precisely demons as far as that goes. More like kaiju chakra constructs."

"You're the Kyubi?" asked Naruto, not expecting this at all.

"In a manner of speaking," said Inari with a decidedly foxy grin. "A bit of the original, a bit of something else, a bit of your parents, all come together into another identity altogether. Hmmm. Apparently you made a deal with a god of mischief and chaos, and this is the result."

"I DIDN'T MAKE A DEAL!" Naruto shouted at the sky.

"Well, that being the case," said Inari, plopping down on the steps to the shrine and then pushing himself up so that his foxy tail wasn't pinned underneath him, "we'll move on to your abilities. You're going to have to practice this stuff so pay attention."

"'Abilities'?" asked Naruto, hoping for something awesome out of it.

"Right," said Inari. "Right now you've got really high resistance to poison, good stamina, fair strength, lousy chakra control, and a chakra capacity that is at least jonin level. Because I'm a cooperative and not evil fox-spirit, there's a few benefits you get along with my presence."

"Go on," said Naruto cautiously.

"There's my 'foxhole' ability, which is a short range teleport," began Inari. "There's 'tailspin' where you weaken someone's defenses. When we get your chakra control under control, there's some more manuevers you'll be able to pull out."

"Really?" asked Naruto, hope sneaking up and ambushing caution.

"Of course, in our new past, things are a little different from what I see here," said Inari, holding up a tankubon marked "Naruto #1" and flipping into it. "For one thing, we're eleven and still in the Academy. For another, you're not an orange-clad class clown. No, we're known as the White Fox of Konoha. Instead of pranking the people mean to us, we've been as helpful as possible to those who give us a chance."

"We're what?" asked Naruto.

"The White Fox of Konoha!" declared Inari, switching from -kun to -chan by twirling around.

Naruto blinked. That was an 'oiroke no jutsu' without hand seals or apparent focus. "Uhm. Are you a boy or a girl?"

"Yes," said Inari.

"Yes?" asked Naruto.

"I am a boy or a girl," said the girl-type Inari.

"Which one?" asked Naruto.

"When I'm a boy, I'm a boy. When I'm a girl, I'm a girl," said Inari, twirling around again and genderswapping back to boy. "Though I really don't like to be both or neither, so I'm one or the other."

"You're gonna give me a headache," said Naruto.

"Ah, the 'headache no jutsu' - a very powerful and annoying technique," agreed Inari, flipping backwards to land on top of a mailbox.

"Right," said Naruto.

"We are the fabulous White Fox Of Konoha!" declared Inari-kun. "We are known for being quiet and observant, helpful to those who give us a chance, and the suspected prankster who has pulled tricks on those who hate and fear us for no reason."

"Oh?" asked Naruto.

"Inari is a good boy," said Inari. "Except when he's a good girl. Or a bad boy. Or a bad girl."

"Riiiiight," said Naruto.

Inari leapt, and as he came out from behind a post, he was back to being Inari-chan. "Besides, we have more friends than in that manga over there. Being friendly and helpful, and able to change appearance, has had its benefits."

"Change appearance?" asked Naruto.

"Yeah, we know the Academy basics, though they're a little different from how everyone else does them," said Inari-chan with a shrug. "Clone technique? Can't do a simple one. You'll see. Henge is an overpowered version - instead of an illusion your form actually changes. Which, because we're pretty smart, has been useful in LOTS of ways. Changing into a fox in order to slip through little openings in walls and the like. Can't do flight though, apparently it's a lot more complicated than it looks. Then again, it DID take you awhile to get the right rhythm to run four-legged."

"Oh?" asked Naruto. He might be able to practice and get it down?

"Then there's replacement, kawarimi no jutsu. We can do that real good, but we got to learn this technique from the manga somehow, that'd be too damn useful," said Inari-chan.

"Yeah, but I learn that at twelve, we're eleven now," remembered Naruto. "So what do I do in the meantime?"

Inari grinned. "Work part-time in a variety of oddjobs. Making friends and taking names. That's how we roll."

"That's how we what?" asked Naruto.

* * *

"Hiya, Mister Pon!"

"Oh, Little Naruto! Good morning! I've got some kunai need pounding out, do you remember how to do it?"

"Sure! Morning, Tenten!"

"Too... early... Need coffee."

* * *

"Teuchi-sensei! Got any deliveries need doing?"

"Not right now, Naruto, Ayame has that handled."

"Okay, see you later!"

* * *

"Hiya Toshi-san! Can I help you with those packages?"

"Oh, Little Naruto! Are you sure you can handle them?"

"No problem!" _THUD!_ "Uhm, okay, maybe just one."

* * *

"There goes that demon brat."

_WHAM!_

"Owwww. Asako! What the hell was that for?"

"That 'demon brat' helped me get home the other day. He's a nice kid, so lay off him already!"

"B-b-but."

"And you know old man Reichi? Kid helped him fix his melon cart the other day or the guy would have missed a whole day of sales. Kid helps out dozens of people, so lay off that 'demon' talk or you'll taste my 'Fist Of Justice'."

"...'dozens of people'?"

"Himura the fish seller. Old man Reichi. I've seen him running deliveries for Ichiraku Ramen and that confectioner who sells the dango. Pon-san the weaponsmith. He's even run messages for the Hokage when the chunin are busy. He's been working with Denri the carpenter and Eiko the baker too, offering to help out all over the place. Does THAT sound like a 'demon' to you?"

"He could be trying to lull us into a false sense of security?"

"FIST OF JUSTICE!" _KA-POWIE!_

* * *

"See here, Naruto? If you make the join like this, it won't slip easily later on. We call it 'dovetailing' because it's shaped like the tail of a dove."

"Oh, I see! Let me try it!"

* * *

"Keep pumping the bellows just like that, it'll keep the heat even while I pound the impurities out of this metal."

"Sure thing, Pon-sensei!"

"'Sensei' huh? I kinda like the sound of that."

* * *

"Oh, that's very good Naruto. Keep cutting the vegetables thin and even just like that."

"So what do we do with them after I'm done?"

"We wrap the meat and vegetables in the dough that I'm making, then we toss them in the oil to cook later on when the stall is open. That way the smell of the cooking meat pies will draw potential customers and let them know it's ready."

"Oh, cool!"

* * *

"Wow, Naruto, you're getting pretty strong for a sprout your size!"

"Yeah! Pon-sensei says working the bellows is good exercise for someone my size."

"Hmph, is that so? Well, let me show you how a fish-seller has to be in good shape too! Help me with these nets would you?"

* * *

Naruto blinked as the memories bubbled up.

"You see?" said Inari, currently Inari-chan. "So we've got the basics of dozens of skills and professions. We're not doing so good in the Academy because we can't do the bunshin very well, and we miss a few homework assignments here and there, but we're not absolutely pathetic either. We've also got some techniques that make up for it."

"Techniques?" asked Naruto, interested.

"Yeah, because we're like this, we can do things no average genin could do," said Inari-chan, grinning. "Not only that real transformation, substitution, and we've got a good stealth-jutsu. We've also got these cards. You imbue them with wind chakra and they become razor-edged shuriken."

"Why not just use regular shuriken?" asked Naruto.

"Cause these won't get picked up and used by an enemy," said Inari. "Besides, it's flashier and more fun. Always an important consideration."

* * *

Cat glanced up, remaining still for a moment before returning to her vigil.

"What is it?" asked Raven.

"The White Fox is out tonight," said Cat.

"Ah, the White Fox is out. Well, we can all rest easy now, can't we?" said Raven.

Cat glanced up at her fellow ANBU. "He's more capable than you apparently think."

"Honestly?" asked Raven. "He's not exactly normal, is he?"

"We're ninja," said Cat, sounding amused. "What exactly is this 'normal' you speak of?"

Raven looked blankly through his mask at Cat for a few moments. "I suppose."

"You haven't interacted with him, have you?" asked Cat.

"Your point, Yugao?" asked Raven.

"No, Aoba, use our ANBU names - we're on duty," said Cat, pointing off into the night. "He's using his 'foxhole' technique where he goes in a doorway, pipe, airduct, and comes out another similar space. He can travel quickly with that."

"Limited range and utility," stated Raven.

"Then there are his card-shuriken," said Yugao. "By using fuuinjutsu and wind chakra, he makes cards into deadly weapons."

"That's why we have kunai and shuriken," said Raven.

"He has a healing technique," said Cat.

"So do medic-nin, and they've got better control," countered Raven.

"He's got seven girls interested in him," tried Cat.

"The Uchiha boy has more than that... Seven?" Raven started counting.

"No, I was kidding," said Cat. "Really, give him points for trying at least."

"He's an eleven year old kid who's pretending to be a 'champion of justice'," said Raven.

Cat shrugged. "Give him a few years and he might actually get there."

"We're ninja, 'justice' isn't in our job descriptions," protested Raven.

"We're not from Mist, 'injustice' isn't in our job description," countered Cat.

"Kids," muttered Raven/Aoba under his breath.

* * *

"Naruto Uzumaki!" said Iruka. "You need to demonstrate your henge by-"

_B-domf!_

Iruka facepalmed, by this time a purely automatic gesture. "You should let me finish stating the assignment."

"Oh, touche," said a duplicate of Iruka that happened to have a huge sword strapped to his back.

"Besides, I don't own a sword like that," pointed out Iruka, aware of what Naruto was TRYING to get him to say and determined not to give the straight line opening.

"Ah, you should," said the duplicate. "Nothing says 'You better be quiet you little brats' better than a big-honking-sword."

"Fail," said Mizuki.

"What?" asked Naruto and Iruka.

"The task was to copy you," pointed out Mizuki. "I see at least three major differences."

"Oh?" asked Iruka, checking out the copy of him. "Other than the sword, which was apparently intentional, what are the differences?"

"Your facial scar is from right-to-left, where Naruto has it as left-to-right," said Mizuki. "Then there's the whole hand-gestures-thing. Naruto uses hand-gestures when he talks. You don't. Finally, look at the number of pockets on your chunin vest."

"Hmmm, okay, it's a pretty good henge, but I'll have to go with Mizuki on this one," said Iruka.

"Gee, thanks," said Mizuki, voice dripping with sarcasm.

"Eh?" asked Iruka, not having heard that.

"Just clearing my throat," said Mizuki.

"Oh. Well, let's see your substitution," said Iruka.

_Fwip!_

"A single hand seal, and no smoke, VERY good," said Iruka, looking past a startled Hinata at where Naruto was at her spot in the line.

"A fluke," grumbled Mizuki.

_Fwip! Fwip! Fwip! Fwip!_

"Naruto, stop doing that," said Iruka as Naruto used the Replacement technique to play a form of musical chairs.

"Oh okay," said Naruto, going back to his original position.

"That passes," said Iruka.

"I'll let this pass, though you WERE supposed to replace yourself with a log," said Mizuki.

"That leaves bunshin," said Iruka.

_POFF!_ went a Naruto-clone.

"Why do you insist on doing a female version of yourself, with fox ears and a fox tail?" asked Sakura from her place in the line. "Can't you take anything seriously?"

"No, he can't," answered half the class.

"Geez, you guys know me that well?" asked Naruto.

"Troublesome," said Shikamaru.

"Annoying," said Ino.

Choji just shrugged and munched on some chips.

"Heh," said Kiba.

"Rowr roff ruff," said Akamaru.

"I do NOT," said Naruto to Akamaru.

"Rowr rowl," replied Akamaru.

"That was just ONCE," argued Naruto.

"Fail," said Mizuki.

"I have to agree," said Iruka. "You're not gender dysphoric, are you Naruto?"

"I can't even spell that," protested Naruto.

* * *

"Naruto, there's a way you can still graduate!"

"Cool! What is it?" asked Naruto, wondering why this guy (who was usually sneaking glares at him) was actually being helpful.

"There's a scroll in the Hokage's Tower," said Mizuki. "If you can learn one technique from it, you'll be able to graduate."

"You mean the kinjutsu scroll on the second floor, the one they keep in the safe, behind the autographed first edition run of the Icha Icha series?" asked Naruto.

"Ah," managed Mizuki. "Ah, yes. That's the one."

"Okay," said Naruto. "Any technique?"

"Ye-yes," said Mizuki. "Any technique. I've marked the place you're to meet me at, and I'll take the scroll back after you demonstrate the technique."

"No sweat, piece of cake, ummmm - cake," said Naruto, momentarily distracted by the fox's craving for sweets. "Okay!"

"Right," said Mizuki. Finally he just shrugged. If some kid that seemed as scatterbrained as Naruto did in class could actually accomplish this, then he'd just eliminate the monster at the end of things.

* * *

"Naruto, I found you!" said Iruka. "What did you mean stealing the scroll!"

"Oh, this? I didn't think anyone would mind," said Naruto, putting the scroll aside to clear a spot on the picnic blanket he'd spread on the roof of some woodcutter's cottage. "Want some cake?"

Iruka facepalmed. "Why?"

"Because it's good," said Naruto, reaching for the improbably large picnic basket. "All light and fluffy and swirled with vanilla and hazelnut-"

"No," said Iruka, still facepalming. "Not the cake. Never mind the cake."

"But it's good cake," said Naruto.

"So, Iruka, you found him!" said Mizuki, stepping out onto a branch.

"Hang on, Mizuki. Naruto, why did you steal the scroll?" asked Iruka.

"I didn't steal it, I just borrowed it," protested Naruto. "Mizuki-sensei said that if I learned a technique from it, I could graduate. I learned THREE! So can you pass me straight through to chunin?"

"No," said Iruka, still facepalming. "Mizuki? Why?"

"Because I'm betraying the village and going to kill that eyesore and take the scroll," said Mizuki.

"'Eyesore'?" asked Naruto, pouting.

"You got rid of the orange jumpsuit," admitted Mizuki. "That would get you a couple of points. But your current outfit?"

"What's wrong with it?" asked Naruto. "I mean, orange is awesome and all, but I think I look pretty spiffy in blue."

"What kind of ninja wears a Hawaiian shirt with red parrots?" asked Mizuki.

"I like it," grumped Naruto. "Hinata said it brought out the color of my eyes."

"Cargo shorts and flip-flops? What are you supposed to be - a ninja with a monster inside him or a beach bum?"

Iruka found himself forced to go to the double-facepalm. "Mizuki. That's forbidden."

"So what?" asked Mizuki. "I'll tell him the secret of why he's still hated by nearly a quarter of the village! You, Naruto, are the demon fox that destroyed the village!"

Crickets began chirping in the silence following that proclamation.

"Yeah, so?" asked Naruto.

Iruka broke off the facepalm to stare at Naruto. Mizuki also stared at Naruto.

"What, you thought I didn't know that my father used the shinigami pact jutsu in order to split the Kyubi into Yin and Yang halves and sealed half into me?" asked Naruto. "What, you think I'm a complete idiot?"

"Yes," admitted Mizuki.

Naruto paused, then shook his head. "Walked into that one, didn't I?"

"Well, now I'll just kill you and take the scroll," said Mizuki.

"Nah, here ya go," said Naruto, hefting the scroll and tossing it to Mizuki. "In exchange, let Iruka-sensei go."

"Uhm," said Mizuki as he caught the scroll.

"Naruto, you mustn't give him the scroll!" said Iruka.

"I just did," said Naruto, then opened the picnic basket. "You sure you don't want any cake before you go running to Cloud with the stolen scroll, Mizuki-sensei? It's a long trip."

"What makes you think I'll let any of you go?" asked Mizuki, hefting up a fuma shuriken.

"Oh well, I guess we're outta time then," said Naruto, who then looked up at Iruka. "You'll want to stick around, Iruka-sensei. There will be cake!"

"Cake? The cake is a lie!" said Mizuki, figuring Naruto was going for a weapon in that basket. It's what HE would have done after all. He threw the large shuriken.

_Pitang!_

The large shuriken hit the ground well short of the target.

"It's not a lie, I made it myself," protested Naruto.

"How did you..." Mizuki's voice trailed off as the door of the cottage opened.

"Sad," said the Hokage, as he looked up from the door of the cotage.

"Indeed," said Ibiki as he stepped out from behind a tree.

"Can I play with him?" asked Anko Mitarashi before she licked a long knife in a suggestive manner. Though admittedly the suggestion there was Mizuki wouldn't like the game.

"Mizuki, you idiot," said Tsubaki as she walked out of the forest alongside four ANBU.

"Oh. Hell." Mizuki felt his stomach dropping down to below ground level.

"Soon," said Ibiki pleasantly. "I promise."

"Great!" said Naruto pleasantly. "So who wants cake?"

"How..." Mizuki stared at the boy.

"I'm a ninja champion of justice," proclaimed Naruto. "Trickery and misdirection are just ways to get there."

"He didn't even notice that what you tossed him was a giant scroll containing the secret recipes of Happy Ninja Fried Chicken," noted the Hokage.

"WHAT?" shrieked Mizuki, who checked and found that indeed that WAS what he had in his hands.

"Substitution jutsu while you were tossing it to Mizuki?" asked Iruka who thought about it and could now figure out when it had been done, but it had been such a smooth execution at the time it hadn't registered.

Naruto just shrugged as he started pulling out little paper plates and plastic forks.

He wouldn't tell anyone, just yet at least, what techniques he'd learned. More fun to surprise people after all.

* * *

"But he didn't pass the test!"

"No, he failed the test in the Academy," pointed out the Hokage, sitting on the edge of the table and filling his pipe. "Then he came to me with a plan to out a traitor in our midst, executed it, and arranged for said traitor to be sufficiently distracted that he didn't notice when he was surrounded."

"Well..." said Homura.

"The 'deal' Mizuki gave him was that if he learned one technique from the kinjutsu scroll, he'd be allowed to graduate," said the Hokage, now using a thumb to tamp down the contents of the pipe. He used a simple katon jutsu to light it, and then just looked at the Councillors. "Really. He already knew ONE from when he was cleaning my office last year and he didn't think I knew he'd studied it."

Homura turned pale. "What..."

"Meisaigakure no Jutsu," said the Hokage. "The Iwa 'Hiding With Camouflage Technique' that their Hunter-Nin use. It's an 'A-Rank' technique that he has trouble with. He's a lot better with chakra control than he used to be, but that's still a long way from being precise."

"He's got an 'A-Rank' technique?" asked Homura.

"Really, Homura, where have you been lately?" asked Hiruzen Sarutobi, Third Hokage, and thoroughly amused individual who wasn't bothering to conceal that last. "He turns playing cards into projectile weapons. He has techniques like 'foxhole' and 'foxfire' - he's also got a version of 'henge' that allows him to slip through little holes in fences he couldn't possibly fit through."

"What?" asked Homura, weakly sitting down.

"Now he's learned Kage Bunshin and Bunshin Daibakuha, so..." began the Hokage.

"WHAT?" squeaked Homura.

"Hmmm," said the Hokage. Usually Homura wasn't this emotionally volatile. Perhaps it was because his frequent partner had fainted or gone into shock already? "Yes. Naruto knows the 'Shadow Clone' and 'Explosive Shadow Clone' technique."

Homura stared.

"Koharu apparently realized that already, she's in the insurance field nowadays isn't she?" asked the Hokage, sitting back and blowing a few smoke rings. If the female councillor wasn't already in shock, the idea of Naruto forming explosive shadow clones would likely have sent her there.

"Tell me at least," said Homura eventually, "that you're putting him on a genin team where his 'ninja of justice' nonsense will be curtailed."

"Ah," said the Hokage. "Well, as to that..."

* * *

_two days later:_

"-which will be the team you're assigned to," said Iruka. "Teams One thru Six are still currently active, as is Team Twelve. So don't ask me why those numbers aren't active. Team Seven will be composed of Sakura Haruno, Sasuke Uchiha-"

"YES! THIS IS FATE!"

"Any further outbursts will be met with the eraser-throw no jutsu," warned Iruka.

Sakura sat back down abruptly.

"-and Tobio."

"Uhm," said Tobio, holding a hand up. "Am I being punished for something?"

"Yes, poor grades," said Iruka without looking up but flipping an eraser with one hand. "Team 7's jonin-sensei will be Kakashi Hatake."

"Is it too late to take a makeup test?" asked Tobio.

"Just stay out of my way," grumbled Sasuke.

"Team 8," continued Iruka. "Shino Aburame, Kiba Inuzuka, Midori Tatsumaki."

"Who?" asked Kiba.

"One of the faceless students in the background," muttered Shino.

"Ouch," said Midori, wincing at that comment. Okay, she had no really outstanding qualities, but did everyone have to comment on such?

"Team Nine," began Iruka, then read off three more names.

"Who?" asked Kiba.

"Team Ten. Ino Yamanaka, Choji Akimichi, Shikamaru Nara."

"Figures," grumbled Shikamaru.

"Yup," said Choji.

"Why couldn't I be with Sasuke?" complained Ino.

"I'll trade you," offered Tobio.

"We'll take it," said Shikamaru.

"You can't do that," pointed out Iruka. "Trading off teams is not allowed."

"Well, it should be," said Midori.

"Now, the White Fox of Konoha," said Iruka.

"Ready! Dattebayo!" declared Naruto.

* * *

A/N: which is where i left off. Now that Kurama (Kyubi) in the manga is more cooperative, maybe we'll see more of him. Though i think Kishimoto may be moving to wrap things up at long last. Probably end with an epic battle between Sasuke and Naruto, and there's a chance at least he'll go with a semi-tragic ending. Ninja stories rarely end up with a happy ending after all.


	24. Chapter 24: Jack

**Another Fistful Of Omake**

by Greylle

DISCLAIMER: Original series belong to someone else.  
NOTE: The following is just an idea that came to me and started developing. Someone suggested i just go ahead and jump the canon rails.

Omake 24: Jack  
Was toying around with this until the negative comments, with people insisting that a ninja war would be declared with the other villages ganging up on Konoha, piled up.

Still thought it was an idea that basically said 'screw the canon - we're gonna have fun' and went off on its own path.

Ah well.

* * *

The Elder God/Abomination/Power/Cat-shaped-being pondered. The idea of the Mid-Childan style Intelligent Device, as indicated in the universes where a Magical Lyrical Nanoha got ahold of such a thing, seemed intriguing and offered a way to derail the timeline from being all serious.

Oh, it could GET serious. It could end up in as much tragedy as in that mainline. Still, it didn't NEED to be.

The currently cat-shaped Being reached out and tapped, shifting things along another axis to see if that worked.

Time rewound.

* * *

"No, I haven't seen That Boy, and good riddance. He's been missing two days now. Probably off getting into trouble."

"I see," said the ANBU with the falcon mask. "And you don't think it's any problem that a six-year-old hasn't been in his room for two days?"

"No," said the matron. "Why? You can't do anything to me, I'm a civilian and doing my job and-"

"FALCON CHOP!"

"Y-y-you HIT me! On the top of my head!"

"I only did a Falcon Chop, which is the weakest attack I have. You will survive."

"What do you... ohhhh what pretty colors." _THUD!_

"Now," said the ANBU known as Falcon, "to see what else is going on here."

* * *

"So," said the Hokage. He didn't know that in this timeline, a second survivor of Orochimaru's experiments had been added. Simply an idle nudge just to see if this minor twist would add anything new.

"Indeed," said Falcon.

"Graft, corruption, misappropriated supplies," said the Hokage. "Looks like you found everything but Naruto."

"I am greatly sorry, Hokage-sama," said Falcon.

"So... where could Naruto have vanished?" asked the Hokage.

* * *

_two days previously:_  
"So, what's your name?" asked Naruto.

The little orange jewel flickered with light, forming letters on its surface as its voice spoke.

[Jack]

"Huh, that's a funny name," commented the kid, pulling the gem out of the ground. "A talking orange rock is kinda funny though too."

The rock glimmered a couple of times in his hands. [Chakra reservoir sufficient. Chakra capacity insufficient.]

"What's that mean?" asked Naruto.

[You have a large chakra reservoir, but your ability to access and control that access is insufficient for full activation.]

"You sound like a teacher," said Naruto.

[Correct. Profession: Teacher.]

"Oh? So what can you teach me? Some awesome jutsu?" asked Naruto.

[Again. Correct.]

"Wait a minute, seriously?" asked Naruto.

[This unit's primary purpose is as a teacher.]

"So teach me an awesome jutsu!" said Naruto.

[You are incapable of learning jutsu of level: awesome at current time.]

"What? What a gyp."

[Incorrect. Student must learn beginning steps, then intermediate steps, then advanced.]

"Eh?"

[Before one learns to run, one must learn to walk.]

"Oh," said Naruto. "One of those 'hard work' thingies then."

[Correct.]

"Then we need to get started," said Naruto.

[Very well. First to work on control and purification.]

* * *

_three days later:_  
"Uzumaki's been located," said Falcon, settling into place before the Hokage's desk.

"Oh? Where did you find him?" asked the Hokage.

"The Forest Of Death," said the ANBU.

"He's dead?" asked the Hokage, gaze darkening.

"No, actually he's apparently been surviving there working on stealth skills and chakra control," said Falcon. "I had no idea the child was both that skilled and that clumsy at surviving in hostile environs."

"Neither did I," said the Hokage. "You're sure of this?"

"I investigated, there is no sign of anyone else near his camp, and he has apparently survived for two days without assistance. He shows technical knowledge but no practical experience."

"That's unexpected," admitted the Hokage. "Who's watching him now?"

"Dog," answered Falcon.

"Interesting," mused the Hokage. "How did he even know about the Forest, much less know how to survive in it?"

"That's not the only curious thing," said Falcon. "From what I've observed, he is currently working on spear-based fighting techniques."

* * *

The little orange gem was warm against his skin where the leather cord held it.

Naruto had picked up Jack nearly five days ago now. The little gemstone/Intelligent Device was teaching, but it was also learning.

Naruto had some problems with attention and short term memory. Jack was designed as a teacher and could address those issues.

As for fitting into the setting and the ninja-lifestyle, Jack had decided that wuxia provided the best grouping of similar abilities.

"Why a 'wha-zia'?" had asked Naruto when the subject had come up.

[You wish to be a leader of your people and one whom they look up to and admire. A powerful warrior. This fits within the wuxia concept and is adaptable to what I can determine of this setting.]

"Huh, what about the rest of this stuff?"

[The wuxia code is such that several noncombat skills are indicated for times that a violent solution is less than optimal.]

"Huh?"

[Learning this now gives you more options in the future.]

"Oh, I guess..."

[There's also a code of behavior. Yi or righteousness, and Xin or honor. I shall instruct you as we cover other lesson material. Warning: large carnivore approaching - distance twenty meters and direction is to your right.]

Naruto gripped his makeshift spear. "Can I take it?"

[Allow me to guide your limbs. Ready. Begin.]

* * *

"Hokage-sama!"

"If this is about Anko and Kurenai sunbathing on the roof of their apartment again," began the Hokage with a frown.

"Uhm, they are?" asked Dog.

"Well, what did you want to see me about if that wasn't it?" asked the Hokage. "Dog? Hello? Kakashi!"

"What? Oh, right," said the ANBU captain, his attention yanked back from picturing certain things. "Naruto is learning treeclimbing with chakra while practicing spear techniques. He's also killed one of the giant tigers after it attacked him."

The Hokage blinked. "A six year old boy defeated an eight-hundred pound tiger?"

"Yes, it was actually quite impressive," said Dog. "I was ready to strike it down but the boy managed to do it without assistance."

"He did it without..." the Hokage wanted that particular point confirmed.

"There were odd flares of chakra, but nothing like the Kyubi," answered Kakashi. "The oddest thing is - using my Sharingan I pinpointed the source and it appears to be an incredibly dense fuuinjutsu inscribed on a gemstone."

"Have the surveillance continue, but I want to see if a Hyuuga is available for some of the time - and to see if more can be learned about that fuuinjutsu," ordered the Hokage.

* * *

"Well," said Jiraiya. "It's not fuuinjutsu."

"No?" asked Kakashi.

"Oh, I can see why you thought so," said Jiraiya, putting the little orange gemstone out onto the table where everyone could see it. "Very concentrated, very complicated. Except the more I examined it, the more that was off about it."

"Like what?" asked the Hokage.

"If expanded, it would be more than two-dimensional," said Jiraiya. "Three just to get a good look at it. Most fuuinjutsu, even the really complicated ones, only extend to five-dimensional patterns. I expect you'd need seven just to get a handle on the basics."

"That complicated?" asked Kakashi. "More complicated than the Kyubi's seal?"

"That and it is capable of communication and independent action," said Jiraiya. "I had to argue with it to avoid it just reappearing back with Naruto again."

[Correct.]

There were a few stares at the gemstone.

"Did it just talk?" asked Kakashi.

[Affirmative.]

"Yeah," said Jiraiya. "It talks. Seals don't."

"Why didn't it talk earlier?" asked Kakashi.

"How upset was Naruto that you took his gemstone from him?" asked Jiraiya.

"Whoever first coined the phrase 'as easy taking candy from a baby' has likely never tried to take candy from a baby," said Kakashi.

"Ah, he took it 'loudly' then, I take it," said Jiraiya with a nod.

"Yes, that would be one way of putting it," agreed Kakashi. "He was actually fairly unhappy about the whole thing."

"You didn't try to sneak it away from him?" asked Jiraiya.

"Well, yes," said Kakashi. "That was my first four attempts. Somehow though, I kept misplacing it."

Jiraiya nodded. "Jack?"

[Analysis of situation indicated further evasion attempts could result in injury to student. Determining motivation of intervening agent necessary for student's wellbeing.]

Jiraiya nodded again as the various jonin and special jonin, plus the Hokage, considered that response. "Now, if you care to repeat the analysis you gave me when I asked you for one earlier?"

[Affirmative. Summation. Student Naruto Uzumaki. Currently his ability to learn is impeded by a combination of social factors, the effects of the entity referred to as the 'Kyubi' on his chakra circulatory system, and certain biological factors that can be allowed for or corrected.]

"Which you were in the process of 'correcting' when you were interrupted?" prodded Jiraiya.

[Affirmative.]

"Why?" asked one of the jonin.

[Name: Jack. Designation: Teacher.]

"You mean, this little talking gem is a teacher?" asked Kakashi.

[Affirmative.]

"What can a gem, even a talking one, teach anyone?" asked one of the other jonin.

[Intelligent Device, general education type. This unit has a basic understanding of a wide variety of subjects ranging from practical to purely theoretical to social skills. In-depth tutoring is best accomplished by specialists of that particular field.]

"So," said Jiraiya, sitting back and looking inordinately pleased about something. Perhaps that he, out of all the various individuals assembled, had been the one to think of simply asking the thing what it was. Perhaps it was something else. "Any questions?"

* * *

Hiruzen Sarutobi was known as the "Professor" for the number of jutsu he'd learned over the decades. It was said that he was one of the most powerful of the kage, or at least had been in his prime.

He spent an additional four hours questioning Jack before coming to the decision to let it teach Naruto and just monitor the results.

Iruka Umino noticed the results after a week and came to the Hokage with the suspicion that Naruto had been replaced by a substitute who couldn't quite get the role down.

The Hokage smirked and mentioned that Naruto was undergoing special training.

By the end of the second week, Iruka returned to the Hokage's office wondering if any other students could benefit from the training.

* * *

The sword was the preferred weapon of the follower of the Xia code. Yet anything that came to hand was also the weapon of such a one.

[No. Naruto. Your style really isn't suited for a sword.]

"But swords are cool!" protested the little boy in question.

[True,] admitted Jack. [But it remains that a sword isn't the ideal weapon for you.]

Naruto sighed longingly at the wall full of slashy/pointy sharp-edged weaponry. He sulked for few moments until he decided to try a different approach. "So what IS the ideal weapon for me?"

[I know the basics of several different weapon types. We can... hold on.]

"Huh? Hey, waitaminute!" said Naruto as the genjutsu came apart.

* * *

"So you're using a genjutsu to project a dojo into the student's mind and allow them to train at an advanced pace?" asked Kurenai Yuhi, mulling over the concept.

[Essentially correct.]

"Interesting concept," said Kurenai, deciding to file away the idea and research it herself later. It certainly sounded like it could work.

"Dang it, this is MY secret training," muttered Naruto.

"Be that as it may," said Kurenai. "The Hokage has so far allowed this training while it is being evaluated and a second student would allow us to better assess it."

[Be advised that the more students, the less personalized the instruction. Having one or two extra students in any particular class is still within my capabilities even though it is not an optimal experience.]

Kurenai nodded at the Device, acknowledging the point.

* * *

Naruto had been learning with Jack for six weeks now and had shown remarkable improvement. Especially with his spear techniques.

[The problem is not with the size of the classroom,] indicated Jack. [The problem is that this unit was designed for personalized instruction and the 'genjutsu' method of accelerated development is limited by this unit's own capacity for such things. One or two extra students is possible, but stretches the capacity and will require greater rest periods.]

"So these are your own limitations," said the Hokage, sitting back in his chair.

[Correct.]

"Very well, Iruka?" asked the Hokage.

"I was surprised to learn that the orange gem thing was the source of Naruto's extra training," admitted Iruka. "But... if you're wanting to test the gem's capabilities of teaching, I think I can recommend two students for advanced studies."

* * *

Sakura Haruno, age six, walked into the room. "Hello? I was told I could get special training here?"

The room's walls had bookshelves, but in the center was a table and a bunch of chairs. That stupid blonde kid, who had been annoying until recently, was sitting at the table.

"This better not be another attempt to get me to date you," Sakura warned the boy.

"No, I'm just here to provide chakra," said Naruto in that quiet-yet-carried method he'd developed within the past couple of weeks.

"You?" asked Sakura, frowning as she approached the table and looked over the softly glowing orange gem. "What's that-"

The gem brightened in a pulse and the scene blurred and shifted.

"-supposed to be?" finished Sakura with her voice squeaking a bit in surprise.

An old man was now there, wearing some old-fashioned style of formal clothing. Had to be in his forties at least! Balding on top, thick beard and mustache drooping in place. [Good. You've come to the right place. First though, I need to know what it is you're wanting to be trained in.]

"What is this, a genjutsu?" asked Sakura, looking at the walls now decorated with scrolls.

[It's not entirely accurate, but a close approximation.] The old man looked her over. [You seem to be suited for genjutsu as far as your ability to multitask. Your chakra capacity is terrible, but you have excellent control. You could go with medical studies. You have an attention to detail and good hand-eye coordination. Those could play to your benefit in a number of skills, including weapon use.]

"Weapon use?" asked Sakura.

The old man held out a hand, which was suddenly filled with a staff. When he tapped it down, there was a ripple that went through the room and changed it.

Now there were weapons on the table. Training dummies were on one wall, a shooting range with targets on another. Weapons of various kinds filled the last two walls.

[What kind of role would you prefer? Up close against your foe? Picking enemies off at a distance? Perhaps something adaptable so that you can support your team?]

Sakura blinked as she considered that. "I already can use kunai and shuriken, so... ranged and supportive?" _That way I can be useful to Sasuke, right?_

The old man nodded and pointed to one weapon on the table. [This is a dokyu. This is a teppo-yumi. Choose one.]

Sakura blinked, considered the two, and decided to at least give this weird old teacher a try. "Let's go with this one."

[The stubby arrows are called 'bolts' - now if you pick up the belt with the quiver, we'll start with basic proficiency in its use. Later lessons will deal with sniping from cover, evasion, tactics, and the use of various enhancements to use on the bolts.]

"'Enhancements'?" asked Sakura.

[Drugs smeared on the bolt can disable targets. Use of explosive tags, smoke bombs, and similar payloads can also be added.]

Sakura blinked as she mulled over the possibility. _If this works, it could give me a chance to outdo Ino._ "Okay. What do I do?"

* * *

"It's been a week. Results?" asked the Hokage.

Kurenai Yuhi reached out, picked up the violin, and began to play.

"I see, or rather - I hear," said the Hokage.

"To progress further, I'd need some other source of instruction, but Jack was able to teach me the basics of two instruments and now I can play them well enough to pass as a wandering performer when I need to be undercover," said Kurenai as she set the musical instrument aside. "The other being the samisen. With a little work, I can incorporate a genjutsu with the music."

"Just the basics?" asked the Hokage, who thought she'd done a pretty good job even if music wasn't an area of expertise for him.

"Basic to intermediate," said Kurenai. "It is one of Jack's limitations that it has access to a lot of information, but lacks any advanced knowledge of any particular field."

"What of the other students?" asked the Hokage.

"Naruto's skill with survival, stealth, and spear fighting are all solid genin to low chunin level," said Kurenai. "He has begun using chakra nature change, with the element of wind. He is also well on his way to learning something called the Field Five jutsu, having a basic mastery of three of them."

"Which ones?" asked the Hokage.

"**Fountain**, **Extinguish**, and **Camp Ward**," answered Kurenai. "He is less capable with **Ditch** and hopeless at **Phantom Light**."

"Genjutsu does not appear to be his strength," noted the Hokage with a slight smile.

"No, likewise he can do **Kawarimi** and surprisingly **Henge** - but he's hopeless at **Bunshin**." Kurenai considered briefly. "He seems to do better at ninjutsu, so an alternative form of bunshin might do better for him."

"Perhaps. What of Sakura Haruno?" asked the Hokage.

"She's doing quite well, actually," admitted Kurenai. "She'll need to continue practicing as she grows, but she's rapidly learning basic stealth. She has some talents with tactics and picking out areas from which she can use her crossbow to snipe at targets. She understands how to gather the plants and distill out a paralytic poison she can use for her crossbow bolts. As I understand it, she is also undergoing some training in evasion and the use of fuuinjutsu to enhance her ammunition."

"Good," said the Hokage with a nod. "After her training is complete though - that's when her progress should be evaluated."

* * *

Kakashi Hatake looked over the young girl with the pink hair. Six years old, almost seven from the records. "Okay, I'm supposed to test you."

"Bunshin," said the girl, going through handseals quickly and forming a clone. "Kawarimi! Henge!"

"A little sloppy," noted Kakashi as the girl went through the three techniques. "Also, that isn't the test."

"Genjutsu!" said the little girl. "Sakura's Tea Party!"

"Wha?" asked Kakashi as the scenery began to waver. Before the technique could fully materialize though, he broke it. "No, that isn't it either."

"Oh," said the little girl before reaching behind her and pulling out a little crossbow. "Okay."

"No, that's not it either," said Kakashi.

"Oh," repeated the little girl. "What are you testing me on? Fuuinjutsu? Medical techniques? There's so much to learn but I've got to practice this stuff outside the classroom to get it down."

"Oh? Well, tell you what," said Kakashi, folding his arms and looking bored. "Why don't you surprise me?"

* * *

Kakashi walked into the room, his uniform blackened and ripped in a few places.

"Uhm," said one of the clan heads who'd been meeting with the Hokage.

"How did the test go, Kakashi?" asked the Hokage.

"...Don't ask her to surprise you," said Kakashi.

"Oh?" asked the Hokage.

"Yes. It was... surprising. Did you know she's been making these little chemical bombs?" asked Kakashi. "No chakra use involved. Little bamboo cylinders with a plunger that breaks a partition and causes chemicals to mix."

"Oh?" repeated the Hokage.

"Some are explosive, some release smoke, and at least one makes your eyes and skin burn," said Kakashi.

"First hand experience, I see," noted the Hokage. "What else?"

"For a six year old Academy student, she's really quite accomplished," admitted Kakashi. "She tried to snag me in some unfamiliar genjutsu."

"'Sakura's Tea Party'?" asked the Hokage.

"Ah, you're familiar with it," said Kakashi.

"A chunin was hit by it, came out of it with the shakes," said the Hokage. "Apparently it involves tea, cakes, talking stuffed animals, and an overload of cuteness. Ibiki Morino is considering using it as an interrogation tool for hardened ninja who would be resistant to more traditional methods."

Kakashi shuddered at the thought.

"Weapons skills and taijutsu?" asked the Hokage.

"She's stuck using a toy crossbow at present due to her size," said Kakashi. "Give her a few more years and she'll be deadly with it. Her taijutsu is a mix of standard Academy and some form I'm not familiar with. Again, her limbs are too short and her coordination too undeveloped to be effective with that."

"Fine, we'll monitor for longterm side-effects," said the Hokage. "Let her practice and continue those skills without further exposure so that she can be a control example."

"I see," said Kakashi. "There are other students besides her and Naruto?"

"Two others so far," said the Hokage. "We're limiting the number for better monitoring of potential problems. None have been observed in the short-term, but that doesn't mean that none exist."

"Ah," said Kakashi, glancing at the still present clan-head.

"This is some new kind of training?" asked Shikaku Nara. "Might I suggest someone?"

* * *

[Another student?]

"Yes, are you at capacity now?" asked Jiraiya.

[At present, I am mainly training Naruto and Rock Lee. Though the latter seems unable to manage higher level ninjutsu or genjutsu, that does leave taijutsu and kenjutsu. Likewise he seems to lack the creative flair necessary for fuuinjutsu, but there may be a work-around available to him.]

"You have other students," noted Jiraiya.

[Hinata Hyuga is only allowed brief periods of instruction and therefore only once per week. As I have noticed an uptake on her performance when sharing time with Naruto Uzumaki, I have scheduled such. Hayate Gekko is also scheduled once per week, where he is studying various forms of herbal medicine. Yugao Uzuki, twice per week - she is studying various 'exotic' weapons. The genin Manabu Akado is studying twice per week as well, fuuinjutsu and genjutsu.]

"So, it won't be any trouble to slip someone in for once a day after-school studies?" asked Jiraiya.

[This is going to be a problem student, isn't it?]

* * *

The rumors had been going for about a year. Those actually in the know were a few Academy students, clan heads, and jonin. Plus the Hokage, of course.

Danzo Shimura considered his members of ROOT carefully. As it was a hidden organization, more people outside the village than inside knowing of its existence, he had to keep from overplaying his hand where it could be seen.

There was a lot of attention amongst those in the know about the odd gemstone and its ability to teach a wide variety of subjects. That the gem was somehow an effective teacher was obvious, though the degree seemed to be dependent on the student's abilities.

Sakura Haruno, for example, had been an excellent academic. Now she was a seven year old prodigy who was throwing herself into developing physical skills and chakra capacity. At the age of seven years old now, she already had developed her own genjutsu and was showing promise as a sniper with that crossbow of hers. Yes, though of a civilian family - she was showing signs that she might become a capable kunoichi once she grew up some.

He'd already started a plan in motion that might see the girl joining ROOT. She was a bit older than he'd prefer for such recruitment, but one made the best one could out of the materials at hand.

Kabuto Yakushi had been sent to try and work his way into the program, but had been turned away by the gem itself. Apparently the same thing had happened with a couple of other candidates, some limit of compatibility with the device.

A pity. Perhaps another candidate would work better.

* * *

She was a student of Crane style as well as the Academy style, mixing the two up as she fought her matches.

Crane style was all about evasion and counterattack. As Sakura lacked the strength and mass of the Akimichi, it was an effective style for her. Eventually she hoped to achieve competency in that style, then she could work on Snake style and incorporate the two once she'd become competent (in the eyes of the combat instructors at the Academy at least) in Snake. That would give her combat options for close combat as well as her distance. That didn't even get into her training with the jian style sword!

The only problem was the lack of time in the day to practice everything!

She'd been pulled temporarily from the program because of exhaustion, but there was a chance she'd get back into it later. Since she was being evaluated annually, that could take quite some time.

"Sakura! Are you ready?"

Sakura smiled brightly, managing only to wince slightly at the boy's loudness and eyebrows this time. "Yes."

Rock Lee slipped into his own stance to begin the spar. "Then let us proceed on the road to becoming splendid ninja!"

* * *

Being absolutely still and quiet did not come naturally to Naruto Uzumaki. One only had to meet him to realize this.

"This can get awesome?" asked Naruto, fidgeting as it seemed he really hadn't improved that much. To him, at least.

[This particular technique is not yet of rank:awesome, but can be built upon to become considerably more useful.]

"Okay," said Naruto, being familiar with the concept at this point. His little wind-generation technique hadn't been anything special, but that had led him to develop several techniques that he had thought cool. "What's this one do?"

* * *

He had learned to trust his instincts. Most of the time his hot-blooded nature tended to overwhelm such things in a fight, but now he was simply standing in his office and observing the light fleecy clouds through the window.

"Something has changed," said the Raikage. "I am not sure what. Find out."

"Yes, Raikage-sama!"

* * *

The wind shifted. The Kazekage noticed.

So did others throughout the Elemental Nations, not everyone picked up on it - but enough did. Quantifying whatever it was that had changed though - that was considerably more difficult and only a very few would figure it out.

Jiraiya looked at the great toad on his throne and considered various questions. "What do you mean that 'destiny has changed'?"

The Great Toad Sage sighed. "Prophesies work because fate itself is running on a road. That road may cross other roads. In this case, there was an earthquake and the road has shifted."

"How so?" asked Jiraiya, wondering if it had something to do with a talking gemstone.

"There are Kings of the various elements," said the Great Toad Sage. "Someone has just entered into a contract with the King of the Wind Element."

"Okay," said Jiraiya. "What exactly does that mean?"

"Clouds like cotton candy," mumbled the Great Toad Sage.

"Excuse me?" asked Jiraiya.

One of the older toads gestured. "I already got the basics, let him get his nap while I fill you in."

* * *

"So... basically," said Jiraiya to the Hokage, raising his cup of sake to his leader. "The contract with the King of the Elemental Wind Spirits means he's going to have the strongest affinity for Wind."

"'Strongest' how?" asked the Hokage.

"HEY! OJIISAN! DIG THIS! WEEEHAAAA!"

The Hokage blinked, reached over and refilled his own sake cup, and ignored the little orange-clad kid floating past the window.

"The strongest affinity for wind chakra in the Elemental Countries," said Jiraiya. "Mind you, the King is apparently an abusive sod who is going to put the kid through hell training."

"Oh?" asked the Hokage.

"Oh yeah," said Jiraiya. "Well, the kid wants to be 'awesome' - so that certainly seems a path towards that."

"Why haven't I heard of these Elemental Kings before?" asked the Hokage.

"Reclusive apparently, they don't normally consider mortals worth bothering with," said Jiraiya. "They're also only concerned with their element for the most part."

"So why is one getting involved now?" asked the Hokage.

"Apparently Jack has the contract ritual, but the only reason one accepted it was because Naruto was interesting and there was someone who apparently has managed to offend even the gods and spirits - if only a tiny amount."

"Orochimaru," concluded the Hokage.

"Probably," said Jiraiya. "Wonder how he managed THAT?"

"Probably best we not speculate," said the Hokage, "that way lies madness."

"True," agreed Jiraiya.

* * *

[Float is the first stage, then comes Flight,] said Jack a few hours later and after Naruto had been convinced to stop drifting through the village and bumping into things. [The entire set of manuevers involves control of the air.]

"What other elements are there 'kings' of?" asked Jiraiya, curious at this point.

[Several Kings or Queens, though as they are nonhuman spirit lords - don't read too much into that,] said Jack.

"Too bad, it would've made an interesting story," said Jiraiya, thinking that romancing an elemental Queen Of Fire or somesuch would've made a good ending for a novel. As well as a continuing subplot/plot hook. Hmmm.

[The training will be extensive,] said Jack.

* * *

_There are Kings (and Queens) of the Elements, inhuman creatures of literally unearthly power and intellect. Their concerns and human concerns rarely coincide, but some degree of communication is possible._

_The standard shinobi elements are: fire, earth, wind, water, and lightning. The elements as far as these spirit lords are concerned are slightly different: fire, earth, air, and water. Lightning is apparently considered part of the fire element, or maybe mixed fire and wind. Ice is part of water, not a combination element, within the scope of these elemental spirits._

_Each element has its strengths and weaknesses as far as the other elements are concerned. Each element has lesser spirits that is the main concern of the King._

_Air or wind is the fastest of the elements, earth the slowest. Fire the most destructive, water the best at healing, earth the best at defensive uses._

_So far, the village of Konohagakure has one Contractor - to the Wind-King. They are also attempting to find someone who can similarly pass muster for the other elements, but it appears that these Kings are very picky about those who they will even consider for such._

_Apparently the Wind Contractor will now also have a kekkei genkai related to Wind Element Mastery, having such a strong affinity for that element that developing and using wind-based jutsu will come naturally._

_High priority should be given to acquire the Jackstone and thereby the remaining three contracts._

-Last report by the Kumo spy Mohiru.

* * *

"Another attempt to get at Jack," said one of the ANBU.

Hiruzen Sarutobi nodded. "We are going to have to seal away Jack, as useful as it is - just to keep it out of the hands of an enemy."

"Hokage-sama!" said an ANBU, appearing in a swirl of leaves. "Someone has been found who can sign the Fire Contract!"

"Oh?" asked the Hokage, relaxing a bit. "That IS good news. Who is it?"

* * *

"Rock Lee had no talent at ninjutsu or genjutsu. So Jack was training him mainly in taijutsu, some very odd styles. Plus kenjutsu, though he'll have to get more of his full growth before he can use the liuye dao to it's full extent."

"I'm not familiar with that weapon," said the Hokage.

"A dao - a style of sword said to be 'Chinese' whatever that may mean," said Yugao. "A saber type. It's primarily to be used for chopping or slashing, but can be used in thrusting. Typically 36 inches long on the blade."

"Ah," said the Hokage, continuing to walk beside the ANBU. "So how exactly was someone with 'no talent for ninjutsu' able to sign the contract for this lord of elemental fire?"

"That's why he's here," said Yugao. "He had completely average chakra development, it was his ability to use it that was a problem. Now, it's not. It's just he may not be able to do anything without it coming out in flames."

"That could be bad," admitted the Hokage.

"Once he got the sword, it helped - his control went way up."

"Sword?" asked the Hokage.

"The sword of fire. Symbol of the contract. Enraiha." Yugao checked the clipboard next to the door before entering the hospital room.

"What of this rumor I've heard that those contracted then develop a strong bloodline affinity?" asked the Hokage.

"Probably true sir, but the oldest of them is NINE," pointed out Yugao. "It'll be some time before it can be verified."

* * *

_Much later:_

"Jiraiya? Where exactly have you been?" The Hokage put his pen down, looked over the Toad Sage and frowned. "And why do you look as though you've been in a fight, half-drowned, and then engaged in carnal activities?"

"Because," said Jiraiya, flopping almost bonelessly into a chair. "I've been in an epic fight. I've been half-drowned. And then I had to convince the Queen of Water Elementals that she should give our village another chance."

"I thought they were inhuman elemental beings," said the Hokage.

"Part of my argument was that they didn't know what it was like to be human," mumbled Jiraiya. "So I convinced her to give it a try. At which point things got complicated."

"She wanted to try THAT part of human existence?" asked the Hokage, reaching into a drawer and pulling out a couple of pink pills.

"Yeah. And try it. And try it. Ah, before I came back she informed me that there were going to be repercussions."

The Hokage considered all the things he might say in this situation. After some deliberation, and the taking of those pink stomach-ease pills, he finally selected one. "Congratulations."

"I need... two days to sleep and forget certain things," said Jiraiya. "Then I'll need to refuel. Oh, and she chose someone to be the Contract holder for Water."

"Oh? Who?" asked the Hokage.

"Me," said Jiraiya. "Mind you, I think I'm going to need it."

"You? Your primary element is Earth and secondary is Fire," noted the Hokage.

Jiraiya made a feeble gesture. Water gathered in mid-air. Jiraiya made a second gesture. The shape of the water changed. At a third gesture, the water froze.

"That's Hyouton?" asked the Hokage.

"No, with the water contract - it's water in all its forms," said Jiraiya. "I was trying to make an ice goblet. Need practice I guess."

"I'd say so," said the Hokage.

"Well, in any case, it'll take Naruto a year to properly train in this wind contract," said Jiraiya. "I'm going to go off and train on my own. I'll need some medical texts to make the most of my new talents in that regard though."

"So we have three of these four elements contracted within our village," mused the Hokage. "Young Rock Lee for Fire, Naruto for Wind, and you for Water."

"Yeah, the final element - Earth might be tricky," said Jiraiya.

"How so?" asked the Hokage.

"Snxxxxxxx," said Jiraiya.

"Ah, well, I'm surprised he lasted this long," said the Hokage to no one in particular.

* * *

It had taken an additional week to find someone who passed muster as the Earth Contractor. Oddly enough, though the Regents of the Elemental Forces were inhuman beings - there were a few aspects of their beings that could be related to by those humans. One of which was that rivalries existed.

It was even worse though, in which the legendary Jiraiya had ended up going through basically the same situation with the Queen of Earth as he had with the Queen of Water.

He also nearly died on three separate occasions within the process, but couldn't sign the Earth Contract as he already had the Water Contract. After that, his affinity to the Earth element was strengthened to a great degree but not to the extent it would be as a Contractor.

He also had plans to write out a SEVERELY edited and shifted version of events as Icha Icha Elements.

The mighty (or at least mightily tired) Jiraiya pointed out that he knew enough not to have to take the "year and a day" training in bending the element to his will. He was an exceptional ninja after all.

* * *

AUTHOR NOTES: and that's where it all came to a stop.

The Earth contract holder would likely be someone who is initially loyal to Konoha but then recruited by one of the other Hidden Villages, possibly as a double-agent for Konoha with the idea of lessening the tensions between them.

Or, if someone wants to take the idea and run with it, just avoid the Contract part altogether and keep the other villages from learning about Jack until MUCH later.

Will Sakura get recruited by ROOT and join the Dark Side?

Will Rock Lee embrace the fires of youth? If so, will Neji's eyebrows grow back?

Will Naruto learn Shadow Clone and combine that with spear techniques to become the Orange Phalanx?

All these, and many other questions, remain for anyone intrigued enough by the concept to run with it.


	25. Chapter 25: Sekirei

**Another Fistful Of Omake**

by Greylle

DISCLAIMER: Original series belong to someone else.  
NOTE: This idea came after reading "In Flight" by Gabriel Blessing. That prompted me to go watch some of the anime of Sekirei, which basically resulted in me wanting to see someone slap around Minaka a bit.

So yeah, this was an attempt to retool the Mischief Shippuden concept and hopefully avoid the various charges of loli or mind-control and so on. While mucking about with the Sekirei plotline, and eventually having Kazehana and/or Akitsu meeting up with Tsunade.

Dropped because this one seemed to be getting nearly as negative a set of reactions as the prior Shippuden attempt.

Omake 25: Sekirei Shippuden

The bubble, which was actually folded space/time, burst.

Jiraiya, as befitting someone who was experienced and had built a reputation as the last loyal member of the Three Legendary Ninja of the Leaf (Orochimaru having gone to the Dark Side philosophically and Tsunade wandering around as drunk as she could financially manage for over a decade), did a little hop at the moment the bubble burst and therefore landed on the floor without any difficulty whatsoever.

Naruto, not having nearly the experience or dexterity or preparedness, stumbled and landed on his face.

"Something else we're going to have to work on," noted Jiraiya. "Huh. At least the floor has a carpet."

"Oh shut up," grumbled Naruto.

"No, you be quiet while I try to figure out where this dumped us," said Jiraiya, frowning as he looked around.

Naruto grumbled a bit under his breath, but started looking around himself as details began to pile up.

"Not in the Elemental Countries, that's for sure," said Jiraiya, inspecting a nearby desk with a set of flimsy walls that seemed to be simply used to separate this desk area from that identical desk area.

"Why's it so dark?" asked Naruto, moving through the gloom.

Jiraiya came to a wall of glass and looked out through it. "Because it's night. And we're not anywhere near the Elemental Countries. Not even in the same world."

"Huh? That's stupid. How can we be not..." Naruto had been walking up to see whatever it was that Jiraiya was looking at, only to let his voice trail off as the vista penetrated his preconceptions. "Okay. I'll give you this one."

"There's nowhere that I've ever heard of that has this many people gathered together," said Jiraiya, looking out over the cityscape. "We can probably get home by having a toad do a reverse-summons and then to Konoha, so... we're doing one of the most interesting ninja missions first."

"Huh? What's that?" asked Naruto.

"Infiltration and surveillance," said Jiraiya. "We'll need to observe, change clothes to fit in with whatever the normal culture is - you CAN use the transformation jutsu for an extended period. Right?"

"Of course," declared Naruto. "Uhm. How long is this going to take?"

Jiraiya just smirked as he planned his foray into the city below.

* * *

"There," said Jiraiya, stopping before a plate glass window.

"What? How we gonna pay for anything here?" asked Naruto.

"We're not," said Jiraiya, studying the taller of the two mannequins that was displaying clothes.

"We're gonna steal?" asked Naruto.

"Henge," said Jiraiya, making the appropriate handseal. There was a puff of chakra smoke and he was abruptly wearing very different clothes. "Well, what do you think?"

"Those... are pretty weird clothes," said Naruto after looking over Jiraiya.

"I noticed variations on the same theme in three different storefronts," said Jiraiya, smoothing out his jacket. "We'll just go by a crowd and see if anyone comments. If they do, we know this isn't going to pass muster. Now you do it."

"Oiroke no jutsu!" _BAMF!_

"Uhm, no," said Jiraiya. "Not that looking over a well-stacked female form isn't enjoyable, but the objective is not to stand out or draw too much attention. So, while I thought I'd never say this to someone who at least looks like an attractive girl, put some clothes on."

Naruto dropped the technique. "I usually get more reaction from you."

"This is essentially a serious mission," admitted Jiraiya. "Entirely different mindset for that. If you haven't gotten to the point where you can do that, form a Combat Mode, it'll be something else I have to pound into you during this training trip."

"Hey, orange kid!" yelled someone across the street. "Harajuku is that way!"

Naruto watched the youth laughing at his own joke and scowled. Jiraiya just made a thoughtful noise, then turned and began going in the indicated direction.

"Where we going, Pervy Sage?" asked Naruto.

"This 'Harajuku' sounds like as good a place to start as any," responded Jiraiya. "If it is a place where unusual people gather, then we won't stand out quite as much."

"'Follow the crowds, move as they do,'" recited Naruto, from a few minutes previously when they'd started crossing streets.

"Nice to see you can remember at least some of my lessons," commented Jiraiya as they walked.

More and more people were being encountered as they went along, which made it more obvious.

The park they ended up going through was odd to Naruto's sensibilities. Hardly any grass and only a few trees, compared to what Naruto was used to. Most of the park was paved over.

"Did you see -"  
"-poor girl-"  
"-darn shame-"  
"-don't get involved-"

Naruto wasn't sure what was going on with couples and small groups moving fast away from an area. He DID notice that Jiraiya changed his course slightly to go towards where these others seemed anxious to leave.

Naruto didn't notice it before Jiraiya. A girl sitting alone on a park bench, wearing an oversized shirt of some kind and looking about as sad and lonely as it was possible to get.

It was not even slightly a surprise to Naruto that Jiraiya homed in on her.

"Oh come on, Pervy Sage, we don't have time for -" Naruto ducked as Jiraiya nearly backhanded him.

"First lesson on infiltration/reconn missions," whispered Jiraiya. "Blend in. Second lesson: observe."

"Eh?" asked Naruto. "Wha?"

"Look at her, what can you tell right away?" asked Jiraiya.

Naruto blinked as he looked up at the sage and could tell he was still being dead-serious. The genin then looked over the girl, who seemed so self-absorbed she hadn't even glanced at them.

Slouched forward, skin barely covered by the shirt, enormous breasts, good figure. Sad. Very sad. Blood stains along the bottom of the shirt. Light brown hair. No makeup. Waitaminute. Blood?

"Miss, are you alright?" asked Jiraiya, kneeling before the woman.

"Broken. I'm a failure. Broken."

The girl's voice was nearly a whisper, but Naruto caught it and glanced up at Jiraiya. Then he took two steps back because this was the first time he'd seen THAT expression on Jiraiya's face.

The murderous wrathful expression was immediately replaced by another expression on Jiraiya's face. When he spoke it was softly as if approaching a skittish wild animal. "Is there a clinic or hospital nearby?"

"I can't," whispered the girl, her eyes coming up but not focussing on anything in particular. "I can't go back. I can't go anywhere. Failure. I'm a failure."

"NO WAY!" declared Naruto. "Don't say tha- HEY!" Naruto ducked another backhand.

"Keep your voice down, don't spook her," said Jiraiya, who then turned back towards the girl. "Get up."

"Eh?" asked the woman, finally focussing on Jiraiya.

"I don't know who did this to you, I don't know why," said Jiraiya. "The gallant Jiraiya is not about to abandon a young woman in her hour of need."

"Oh, pshaw," reacted Naruto.

This time the backhand connected, as it was absolutely not half-hearted or meant as a warning.

Jiraiya took the moments of no interruption to get the woman wearing her clothing in a somewhat less haphazard manner. "Are you cold?"

"Cold?" asked the woman, still sounding dazed and confused.

"Don't worry," said Jiraiya, not aware how much his next statement would change things. "I'll take care of you."

"Take care of me? But I'm broken," said the girl. Just a little bit more life was showing in her though. She looked up at Jiraiya's face, apparently studying the older and taller man.

"None of that now," chided Jiraiya gently but firmly. "I am Jiraiya, and I rarely go back on my word! This is Naruto, my apprentice. We'll find you a place or make one!"

"Eh?" asked Naruto, figuring Jiraiya was just after something dirty.

"'Take care of me'," said the girl. She nodded once.

"Do you have a name?" asked Jiraiya.

"Akitsu," said the woman, following the man.

Naruto had thought this a very bad idea and that the Pervy Sage was just being Pervy.

Now he wasn't so sure.

"Naruto. Be ready," said Jiraiya, not stopping as he continued to walk.

"Be ready?" asked Naruto. "Be ready for what?"

Fog began rolling in.

Naruto blinked at the sight as the fog thickened. It reminded him WAY too much of a fight on a bridge and Zabuza Momochi's techniques. Put that and his sensei's comment together and... "Oh."

"My Master desires that," said a woman walking out of the mists. "You will surrender it."

"She has a name," said Jiraiya, his body language looking completely relaxed.

"The Scrapped Number is of no value in the Sekirei Plan," said the woman. "Are you going to give her over?"

"Wait a minute!" Naruto had just reached the limits of his ability to stay still and quiet. "What's a 'Scraped Numb-her' and a Sekhmetay Plan?"

"Idiot," said the woman, brandishing a scythe. "Go home to your mama and let the adults talk. Otherwise I may have to cut that flapping tongue off."

"What makes you think I can't use her in some manner, Sekirei Plan or not?" asked Jiraiya, still looking completely relaxed. His left hand flicked through a couple of quick stretches.

Naruto blinked, having caught that. Those were silent communication hand signs. Now if he could just remember what those meant.

"I am a Scrapped Number," said Akitsu. "I am broken."

"Well, I've got a number of talents," said Jiraiya. "Maybe I can do something about that."

"You can't wing a Scrapped Number!" said the scythe-wielder, scowling. "You can't use a Scrapped Number in any of the Sekirei battles. You can't be her Ashikabi."

"Yet your 'Master' wants her, therefore she has value to your Master as well," noted Jiraiya. "You still haven't said anything to convince me of your case. Perhaps one of your associates can argue more convincingly instead of surrounding us like that?"

Naruto blinked and started looking around in the mist.

"We have you outnumbered, and don't think we won't hesitate to hurt you to get..." began the woman with the scythe.

"Kage Bunshin No Jutsu!"

Fifty Naruto crossed their arms in front of them and glared out into the mist.

"Who's outnumbered?" asked one of the Naruto.

"You... you're not a Sekirei," said Yomi, the arrogance she'd displayed through the conversation replaced with confusion. "What are you?"

"A proud ninja of Konohagakure," said another Naruto.

"A 'ninja'?" asked the woman.

"Yomi," said a voice out in the fog. "It's not worth it. Let's go."

"I'll remember this," said Yomi, backing away and looking over the crowd. "You won't get away with this insult to my Ashikabi!"

After he'd judged the crowd to have moved away enough, Jiraiya glanced at Naruto. "Naruto. Next time, when I'm interrogating someone for intel, DON'T go shooting off your mouth."

"What? Interrogation?" asked Naruto.

"Akitsu," said Jiraiya. "We're going somewhere warmer and we'll talk there. I want you to tell me everything you can about 'Sekirei', this 'Sekirei Plan', 'Ashikabi', and what exactly a 'Scrapped Number' is. Also, if you could tell me exactly what is 'broken' about you."

"Ah," said Akitsu, nodding. "Yes."

"You see, Naruto, if your opponent is feeling confident and chatty, they can release all sorts of details without even knowing it," said Jiraiya. "We might as well see what's going on before we go any further."

"And what's 'winged' mean," asked Naruto. "That isn't something pervy is it?"

* * *

Yomi (Number 43) rejoined the group, still scowling.

"What's a 'ninja'?" asked Taki, Number 65.

"A 'ninja' is a mythic figure, a shadow assassin who lives and dies in darkness," said Mutsu, Number 05.

"How did the little brat make dozens of himself?" asked Yomi. "Is that a 'shadow assassin' thing?"

"Yes, actually," said Mutsu. "The various films mainly depict three kinds of ninja. One is the assassin who stalks and kills people. One is a sort of spy that has a cover identity. Third is the so-called 'legendary ninja' sort that uses magic much as a wizard would in Western works."

"Well, assassin or not, he's not getting near my Ashikabi," declared Yomi.

"In a way this is even better," declared Hayato Mikogami as his flock gathered close as he made his way to his car. "Real ninja, though I suppose it could have been some sort of hologram or something else that MBI accomplished."

"They'll pay for the insult they've given you, Ashikabi-sama," declared Mitsuha, Number 38.

"We'll see," said Hayato, not sounding terribly concerned about it. "Certainly a 'legendary ninja' is likely to stir things up a bit. It could be quite amusing."

* * *

Jiraiya was very careful in collecting local funds. Which occurred during the three times he 'helped' some drunk and passed out man find shelter or get off the street.

"Now," said Jiraiya, producing a large wad of bills from the vest of his suit, "let's see if we can find somewhere still open that sells some tea, shall we?"

"AH!" declared Naruto, staring at the wad of cash. "Where?"

"Never you mind," said Jiraiya. "Akitsu-chan? Are you familiar with this area at all?"

Akitsu blinked at the familiarity, but then just slowly looked around. "No."

"Woman of few words, I see," said Jiraiya. "That's actually kind of nice for a change. Don't worry, I'll take care of you." He'd noticed her reacting to phrases like that, and therefore continued. A) He wasn't inclined to let a pretty woman stay in pain if he could do anything about it, and B) he was still in the dark about this world and society - and this woman might be able to answer some questions. In either case, if she felt friendly towards himself it would help matters along. So, nothing overt or particularly perverted, at least for the moment.

"Look out!" yelled a female voice.

Jiraiya blinked and turned, ascertaining if what he thought was going on was actually happening. Yes, there was a girl charging towards them at high speed. Yes, the girl in question was being pursued by two other girls. Yes, two of the three possessed truly magnificent bosoms.

_CRASH! BAM!_

Yes, the girl being pursued looked behind her at her pursuers and crashed directly into Naruto - the two of them going down in a heap.

"Ow!" said Naruto, quite predictably.

"You... I..." said the girl who'd landed on top of Naruto, realizing their faces were almost touching.

Jiraiya raised an eyebrow as the two pursuers came to a stop.

"Oh shit," said one of the two pursuers.

"Number 16, Toyotama," said one of the two, whirling a staff around in her hands.

The one who had cussed looked to Toyotama, frowning. "Why did you give your name and number?"

"My Ashikabi," said the girl straddling Naruto as she moved her head and kissed the prone ninja.

Light erupted from her back, forming wings which spread out and then faded away.

"Mfff!" responded Naruto, having absolutely no clue as to what was going on.

"Mmmm," responded the girl kissing him.

"That's why," said Toyotama. "She's winged. Now this is a Sekirei fight between winged Sekirei. You and me against her and... is that a Scrapped Number?"

"Yes," said Akitsu, her head drooping again.

"Well, it's two-on-one since she can't fight us," said Toyotama, brightening. "I like those odds."

Jiraiya filed that information. Kissing one of these girls, whom he could tell weren't quite human because of the feel of their chakra in the air, caused the now-obvious 'winging' process to occur. One who had kissed one of these women was considered an 'Ashikabi' apparently. Still too many gaps in his information though.

"Number 18, Ichiya," stated the other pursuer, taking a taijutsu stance.

Jiraiya pegged her as a kicker from the stance and muscular development. The other had more of a balanced physique.

The girl got up off of Naruto, taking a position between Naruto and the two girls.

"I am Katsuragi, Number 86," said the woman with the shaggy short brown hair. "Run, my Ashikabi. I will cover your retreat as best I can."

"The hell with THAT!" said Naruto. "I have no idea what's going on, but no way am I leaving you to fight these two alone!"

Toyotama looked at the youth with narrowed eyes, assessing. _Maybe I can intimidate him. He __is__ a weak human after all._ "Then you'll die beside your Sekirei, Ashikabi. And after having known her for less than a minute."

"So, do you mind?" Jiraiya asked Akitsu.

"Do I... mind?" asked Akitsu.

"If I verify you can't be 'winged'," stated Jiraiya.

"PERVY SAGE!" yelled Naruto. "We got a fight going on here!"

"No, I don't..." said Akitsu before Jiraiya came close, brushed errant hairs from her face and swept her in for a kiss.

"Hey, you, she's SCRAPPED! You can't wing her!" complained Toyotama, gesturing with her staff.

"HmmmmMMMM," indicated Akitsu, a brief couple of arm gestures indicating SOMETHING but not being entirely clear as to what she was trying to convey. Though when she latched on, that was indicating something other than the desire to get away.

"He... apparently is a good kisser," noted Ichiya, stopping her own preparations for battle to stare. This was sufficiently unexpected and bizarre that her usual lust for battle was momentarily sidetracked.

"I TOLD him he couldn't wing her!" yelled Toyotama. "What does he think he's doing?"

"Uhm," said a nervous Katsuragi. "To wing a Sekirei that hasn't gotten an Ashikabi only requires a little kiss. The same with doing a Norito. It... doesn't require all THAT."

"Her toes are curling," noted Ichiya. "On the other hand this is the perfect time to attack, isn't it?"

"I'll teach you to ignore me," stated Toyotama, charging Jiraiya.

Akitsu made a gesture with one hand.

A block of ice about the size and shape of a large refrigerator appeared directly above Toyotama.

_CRASH!_

Ichiya looked down at where Toyotama was lying in the middle of a spread of jagged ice crystals, not to mention amount which was on her. "Uhm. Not that I was suggesting interrupting."

"It'll take more than THAT!" said Toyotama, getting up to her hands and knees.

_CRASH! CRASH! CRASH!_

Three large refrigerator-sized ice blocks crashed down onto Toyotama in very rapid succession.

"Might I suggest we leave the old pervert and the Scrap and just take out the kid and his Sekirei?" asked Ichiya.

"You go ahead and start, I've got a headache," mumbled Toyotama with a voice that sounded like her mouth was full of ice chips.

"Katsuragi, you're a martial arts type like me," said Ichiya, getting into a stance. "I'm more experienced though. You have no chance against me."

"I will defend my Ashikabi..." Katsuragi looked around. "Where'd he go?"

"Excuse me!" said fifty Naruto as they leapt from where they'd climbed up the walls.

"What the hell?" asked Ichiya before she began lashing out with kicks and flipping out of the way of various attacks. "You have some training, but your movements are clumsy and uncoordinated. Try this!"

She broke the neck of one, and was momentarily shocked when he poofed into smoke.

"RASENGAN!"

Jiraiya eased Akitsu to the street. "Found him. Hold on just a moment, will you?"

"Yes Ashikabi-sama," mumbled Akitsu.

"Huh?" asked Naruto as Jiraiya vanished, leaving him swarming over the partly-recovered Toyotama and keeping an eye on the currently imbedded in a wall Ichiya.

* * *

Kakizaki lowered his binoculars, frowning. "What the hell are they?"

"Ninja," came an unfamiliar voice on the rooftop behind him.

"WHA?!" reacted Kakizaki, spinning and nearly losing the binoculars.

The guy with the thick white hair and the British-looking suit smiled at him, taking a step closer.

Kakizaki noticed that while he was considered quite tall for a Japanese, this fellow towered over him like a bear.

"Now, now, none of that," said the man. "It's normal to want to keep an eye on your subordinates when they haven't been out on a whole lot of missions. I'm pretty sure that Naruto won't kill either of them without a lot more reason - so you're going to get out of this without more than some minor bruising and a few broken bones and such."

"How did you..." began Kakizaki, looking down to confirm that his vantage point was still sixteen stories up.

"Oh, and don't tell the two trying to get into position behind me to do anything stupid or that might change a few things," said Jiraiya. "Now. I'm just leaving you with a message. That's all. Don't bother us. I'm not even sure we're going to bother to stick around here yet. So just stay away from us and we won't bother you, okay?"

Kakizaki swallowed nervously at the pat on the shoulder from the man, and then flinched as the fellow leapt over the ledge to his certain death.

When he stuck his head over the ledge to check though, the big guy was nowhere to be seen.

* * *

"One of you two order," said Jiraiya as they stepped up to the counter. "Neither of us are familiar with this establishment."

The somewhat gloomy girl (as opposed to the mostly-silent girl named Akitsu) looked around at her group before hesitatingly speaking. "Teriyaki burger, Superstar Burger, Guacamole Six Dollar Burger..."

"Garden Salad," mumbled Akitsu when everyone in her group turned to her. "Four drinks, medium."

"Here or to go?" asked the counter help.

"Here," said Jiraiya, having already chosen a corner booth.

The total was rung up, Jiraiya pulled out a wad of local currency.

"Isn't that even bigger now?" asked Naruto.

"That guy who challenged us to a fight donated to our worthy cause," answered Jiraiya, smiling at the counter help as he got his change back. "Only fair, don't you think?"

"Uhm, okay," said Naruto as Jiraiya took a little plastic triangle with a number on it and led them to a corner booth.

"To the victor goes the spoils," said Jiraiya as he took his seat, placing his back to a wall. "Now then. Akitsu or Katsuragi, I need to know everything you can tell me about 'Sekirei' to begin with."

"Master?" asked Katsuragi, glancing towards Naruto.

"Me? Why are you calling me that?" asked Naruto.

"Because you are my Ashikabi," said Katsuragi.

"You can assume we don't know what an 'Ashikabi' is or what a 'Sekirei' is," said Jiraiya, going through a quick set of hand seals.

"What was that?" asked Naruto.

"Privacy jutsu," said Jiraiya. "It mutes our voices, distorting them a bit. Minor genjutsu effect, similar to a Veil. Didn't you learn this in the Academy?"

"Well, no," said Naruto.

"It's a minor thing, just meant to keep people from accidently overhearing things that could get them killed," said Jiraiya with a tiny shrug of his shoulders. "Like I was saying, now I need an explanation of the basics at least while we wait for the food."

Katsuragi hesitated, seeing that Akitsu wasn't going to speak, and finally just looked at Naruto. "Master?"

"Just call me Naruto," grumbled Naruto, not liking the term.

"She's asking you for permission to speak to me," guessed Jiraiya. "So an 'Ashikabi' is like a higher ranked ninja."

"Eh? Well, go ahead, answer his questions," indicated Naruto, who was still somewhat irritated they hadn't found a ramen bar and had instead gone with this place.

"I see..." said Katsuragi softly.

"Start with how you're not human," suggested Jiraiya.

"Eh? Not human? Whatta ya mean, Pervy Sage?" Naruto blinked and stared at his sensei for a moment.

"No, we're Sekirei," said Katsuragi.

"Don't mind him," said Jiraiya. "He's a bit slow. Sometimes you have to explain things three or four times to him before he'll remember it."

"I'm not that bad," grumbled Naruto.

"Konmei," said Jiraiya. "Chunin Exams. Oh, and I've read the mission report from when you went to Wave Country. Hmmm. Remind me to check your seal and make sure there isn't a chakra imbalance. Maybe it's leaking the wrong kind of chakra into your brain."

"Name one thing I did wrong on the Wave mission!" challenged Naruto.

"When one of your team was caught in an imprisoning jutsu, did you actually leap INTO the prison?" asked Jiraiya.

"Well, it worked out in the end," grumped Naruto.

"Anyone else, there would be two unmarked graves in Wave and some additional lines on a memorial stone," said Jiraiya. "Now, Katsuragi or Akitsu. Tell me about the Sekirei."

* * *

"Number 86 has been winged, but we have no information about the Ashikabi."

Takami Sahashi frowned at the screen as it cycled between several images. "What's with these pictures?"

"Unknown, we're going over the images but so far they appear to not be the result of any hardware or image tampering."

"What the hell are we dealing with here?" asked Takami. "Do we have a location on this Ashikabi?"

"Yes, they are currently at the 'Carl's Junior' on Mifune Avenue."

"Send someone to investigate," said Takami. "They might be some competitor trying to gather intel."

* * *

"So," said Jiraiya after the food had arrived. "To sum up."

"Hmph," said Naruto, still not happy that it wasn't ramen.

"Sekirei are aliens from some other planet or dimensional space, you aren't sure which," said Jiraiya. "You find an Ashikabi who is a human with certain preconditions who can 'react' with you - allowing you to access some special bloodline abilities."

"So, that explains the ice - you're like Haku," said Naruto to Akitsu.

Akitsu blinked once at Naruto, picking at her salad absently. Not understanding the reference, she remained silent.

"Right," said Jiraiya, understanding all this in terms of his own background as well. "There's going to be a general melee between the various Sekirei until only one is left at the end, which is this 'Sekirei Plan' - what happens to those who lose?"

"We cease functioning," said Katsuragi.

Both ninja understood that to mean "die" - so a to-the-death battle.

"Man, that's even worse than the chunin exams," said Naruto.

"Well, if it comes to that, we can all four escape back to our world," said Jiraiya. Watching for reaction though his attention was apparently mainly on stealing some of Naruto's fries.

"So... we don't have to be separated from our Ashikabi after all?" asked Katsuragi, her voice indicating that the possibility was one she'd never considered before.

"Right," said Jiraiya. "I'm a ninja. Sometimes we follow the rules. Sometimes - not so much."

There was a brief silence following that, with the two Sekirei working that out.

"What exactly is a 'ninja'?" asked Katsuragi.

"Where we come from," said Jiraiya, "it is an elite operative of a village specifically set aside for the purpose of the defense of a country. Ninja are skilled in the areas of ninjutsu, taijutsu, and genjutsu to some degree and the manipulation of chakra."

"I don't know what most of those terms mean," confessed Katsuragi. "But you're soldiers of some sort?"

"In a manner of speaking," said Jiraiya. "Though I'm currently doing something of a training journey with Naruto."

"Like a martial arts training journey?" asked Katsuragi, sounding slightly less depressed than was usual for her. This at least was an area of familiarity with her.

"Yes, I'm his sensei," admitted Jiraiya.

"A pervy-sensei," put in Naruto.

"Please teach him well," said Katsuragi, bowing from her seated position and ending up banging her head against the table. "Ouch."

"Eh?" asked Naruto.

"Wha?" asked Jiraiya, who then took in the eyes-down from both Sekirei and the blush on Akitsu's face and came to the obvious conclusion. "Actually, it's his ninja skills I'm working on. However, I will take your request under consideration."

"Uhm, what just happened?" asked Naruto after a brief silence.

"Your Sekirei wants you to learn how to kiss her properly," said Jiraiya, waiting until Naruto was taking a drink of tea, then leaning out of the way of the spit-take spray since he knew it was coming.

"Wha-wha-what?" asked Naruto.

"Actually, I'd like to work with both of you," said Jiraiya. "You, Akitsu, appear to have Hyouton except I didn't see any hand-seals as you shaped those ice attacks. You, Katsuragi, appear to be a taijutsu specialist."

"'Thai'?" asked Katsuragi.

"Taijutsu - unarmed combat," said Jiraiya.

"Ah," said Katsuragi. "Yes. I'm a Power-type specialist."

"Good," said Jiraiya, popping the last of his burger in his mouth and giving it a few chews. "Let's leave here. I saw a park a bit off to the side."

"Pervy-sensei, are you sure?" asked Naruto, his eyes going to the side.

Jiraiya considered explaining. Whatever these 'Sekirei' were - they were not ninja. Body language and tone of voice were wide open. They had little or no experience in concealing their thoughts or feelings. Even if there was a feeling of non-human about them, particularly in the "feel" of their chakra - they were close enough for him to extend some small measure of trust their way. "Yeah. I'm sure. For now at least."

At which point someone entered the "Carl's Junior" and caused Jiraiya's war-honed danger sense to move things straight to Defcon 2.

* * *

She was supposed to be trying to be subtle and diplomatic and such. Which was why she didn't slash open the outer wall of the restaurant and provoke an immediate confrontation.

She'd thought about it. Pondered it. Ultimately though, she'd resisted the temptation. For now.

She was at full combat readiness as she went through the glass door to the little restaurant. She was itching for a fight, ready to unleash some violence on the chattering little monkeys and their allies. It would help move things along as well.

So when she spotted the four of them in a corner booth and saw the oldest of the four meet her eyes, she was ready for fight or flight on their part. Fight would be the most satisfying, flight would indicate that they had someone intelligent in their group who would have an idea of what the end result of 'fight' would be.

She had NOT expected a sudden poof of smoke completely obscuring that table, drawing a few startled comments and people jumping back at the display. Nor had she expected to see the smoke clear and an empty table. So they'd fled, but she hadn't even seen them move.

That brought a frown to Karasuba's face. This was going to be one of the annoying ones after all.

* * *

"What the hell Pervy-sage?!" asked Naruto as he plopped down onto his butt in the street.

"Sorry," said Jiraiya, not sounding sorry at all. "That girl that just entered was radiating enough threat to make Orochimaru take her seriously."

Naruto blinked. "Seriously?"

"Karasuba, Disciplinary Squad, Sekirei #4, also known as the Black Sekirei," said Katsuragi, shuddering. "I thought we were all dead."

"So, my instinct was right," said Jiraiya. "Always good to have that confirmed."

"If she's that bad why is she coming after us?" asked Naruto.

"As the head of the Disciplinary Squad, she would be dispatched to execute those who have violated the terms of the Sekirei Plan," said Katsuragi.

"Which is another good reason for trying to get details of this 'Sekirei Plan'," pointed out Jiraiya. "So far, I've still got more questions than answers."

The two Sekirei looked uncertainly at each other. After a moment Katsuragi nodded.

"We're getting away from here," said Jiraiya. "Akitsu, is there a boundary to this 'Sekirei Plan'? I need to get answers and we need to avoid being attacked until I know more."

Akitsu considered Jiraiya carefully, then glanced in the direction of the burger shop they'd just come from. Finally she nodded.

* * *

"What the hell is this?" asked Naruto, staring.

"It's a train," stated Katsuragi.

"Where are the kunai launchers?" asked Naruto.

"There are no launchers, of kunai or anything else, it's a train," stated Katsuragi.

"Interesting," said Jiraiya. "I don't sense any chakra flow or seal work being done here. So this is entirely run without such things. Intriguing even."

"Why is that so special?" asked Katsuragi.

"Because most of our abilities are built around chakra - so we tend to concentrate on defending against chakra. Things like this have neither an intent or chakra for us to detect ahead of time," said Jiraiya. Not that simple mechanical traps were unknown, but those devices at several doorways struck him as rather complex triggers or something. Best to avoid them.

* * *

"So what do we do now?" asked Naruto as they finally stopped after hours of walking and riding those train-things.

"This is a training journey for you still, what do you think we do?" asked Jiraiya.

"Train?" asked Naruto.

"That's right," agreed Jiraiya. "Now, I want you to spar against Katsuragi."

"Eh? Why?" asked Katsuragi.

"So I can see where your skills are, and so I can correct his flaws," said Jiraiya. "There. That looks like a good campsite."

* * *

"Tracking indicates a Sekirei used the JR Yamanote line, reappeared in another train without passing any intervening check points or sensors, and finally left the train system in Nagano."

"Nagano? What the hell is in Nagano?"

"No idea. If it wasn't for Katsuragi using her MBI card to pay for two ramen bowls at a rest stop we'd have lost them."

"Any information on the Ashikabi?"

"None. Got a pic of the group from a security camera. Bringing it up on main monitor."

"Stupid looking kid. Who's the old geezer and... is that the Scrapped Number - Akitsu?"

"Confirmed."

"See if we can't get some surveillance in the area. I show that we haven't been able to contact Katsuragi or her Ashikabi, so it might just be they don't even know they're out of bounds."

"Hey, I just found out the 'why' - looks like Karasuba was sent to talk to them."

"They sent Karasuba on a diplomatic mission? Oy vey."

* * *

"Stop," said Jiraiya, shaking his head. "Okay you two. Naruto, you've fought girls before. She can take a hit. You wouldn't hold back against an enemy kunoichi would you?"

"But she's not an enemy," protested Naruto.

"If you treated that pink-haired girl you tried to talk to, the one that hits you frequently, like she was weak and fragile," said Jiraiya. "What do you think she'd do?"

Naruto winced. Lots. "Get mad. Hit me. Hard. Often."

"And you, Katsuragi," said Jiraiya, turning to the Sekirei. "You're treating him as if he's made of glass. Don't. He's a genin of Konohagakure. Disrespect him and you disrespect his entire village."

"But..." Katsuragi looked down and to the side.

"Don't worry!" Naruto consoled her. "I can take it!"

"Now try to take this seriously," said Jiraiya, stepping back to the boundary. "Begin!"

The two still looked as if they were reluctant to hit each other, but were at least going a bit more enthusiastically.

"So she uses a style that is heavy on kicks and agility, but has some decent strength as well," mused Jiraiya out loud as Naruto slid backwards along the ground from a particularly good hit. He bounced back up, now more enthusiastic about the fight.

Akitsu moved slightly, looking towards Jiraiya and then back to the fight.

Jiraiya was frowning at something, but Akitsu couldn't see what.

"She's trained, but has holes in her defense that you could put one of those trains through," noted Jiraiya after scrutinizing the bout for several minutes. "Rudimentry taijutsu training that relies on her strength and speed. I've got my work cut out for me."

"Ah," said Akitsu.

"When I kissed you, there was a small amount of chakra being siphoned off," said Jiraiya. "NARUTO! ELBOW IN!"

"Eh?" asked Akitsu.

"So, if I understand correctly," continued Jiraiya, "you were trying to 'wing' yourself despite what that one woman was saying. Am I right?"

"Uhm," said Akitsu.

"So you don't know," said Jiraiya after having turned his attention fully to her for a few moments. Finally he nodded. "More experimentation I suppose."

Akitsu colored, having an idea what such would entail.

Jiraiya considered the two sparring. "Okay, here. You can read this while I work with the two on their stances."

Akitsu took the little orange book from her Master and considered it briefly.

"I'm an author. I wrote that," said Jiraiya with an easy grin, the intensity of a few minutes ago having vanished. "One of my better sellers!"

Akitsu blinked a couple of times as her Master stopped the two and began lecturing them on their fighting styles. Her gaze went back to the book and she opened it, hoping for some insight into their strange ways.

* * *

The odd lettering they used here had started making sense about the time they'd started off on the second train.

"Change your stance like this."

Jiraiya had rubbed his chin, nodded, and otherwise not commented. He'd only had ONE experience with being in another world, if you didn't count the mountain kingdom that the toads maintained. He hadn't been there as long as this had been so far, so it MIGHT have been the same situation. Except for the lack of war-painted pygmies, poisoned spears, overgrown jungle, giant walking statues, and insanely large and overly aggressive horned beasts. Not that he was complaining mind you.

"Keep your center of balance like so."

That had been one adventure that he had spent most of a weekend trying to blot the memories out with a liberal application of strong alcohol.

This was much more pleasant so far.

"Look at how I've put my feet. Don't lock your knees."

So the spoken language had come within perhaps fifteen minutes. The written language had been longer, taking well over two hours for the basics. Looking at one of the prepacked meals he'd pocketed from one of their vending machines, he noted that there were still parts of it that were completely incomprehensible.

"When you're blocking, don't try to stop the blow when you can redirect the force away from you."

So, in both cases, the basics were allowed for by the terms of the jutsu. More specialized terms (such as 'sekirei' and 'ashikabi') were not in either case.

"Punch like this, or like this, never like THAT."

That was one reason he'd handed off a copy of one of his early books, which he kept in order to be able to autograph and hand out to fans. Was the translation effect limited to people or would objects work as well?

"Because it's too easy to grab like this, twist, and then you've got a broken wrist or worse."

He'd asked, after THAT particular adventure, about it to another seal-expert. They'd hashed out the idea (over the course of the evening and a bottle of really good plum wine) that the transport seals basically translated one's physical existence to the other reality. The basics of language in the area one arrived in was actually part of that. He'd noticed the spear-hurling warpaint-wearing quite hostile pygmies had started making sense, but hadn't seen any written language in that instance.

"Keep in mind, Naruto, we're ninja. If you can put your opponent down quickly and quietly - that is the preferred method for doing it."

Naruto had apparently not noticed.

"Striking from ambush is perfectly acceptable. Announcing your presence is making yourself a target."

"But..." Katsuragi held up her hand, interrupting him. "That isn't how Sekirei battles are supposed to go."

"Okay," said Jiraiya, nodding. "Tournament rules are different from mission rules. What exactly are the rules for fights between you Sekirei."

"We give our name and number before we fight," said Katsuragi. "We fight, and then we stand guard over the loser until MBI comes and collects them. We do not target the Ashikabi."

"Those two Naruto fought violated that last rule," noted Jiraiya. "So these are rules that the majority will follow, but individuals might not. Okay. When it's a Sekirei battle and the other side is following the rules - go along with that. If they violate any of your rules, then discard those rules yourself. No point in limiting yourself when the other side won't. What about the conditions of battle? Is it to the death or what?"

* * *

They were professionally trained soldiers hired by MBI. They didn't really understand a lot of what was going on.

"So what do you think, mutants like the 'X-Men' maybe?"

"Why do you keep speculating about this sort of thing? We're getting hired for this job, decent benefits, decent wage. Mainly just stand around and look threatening."

"Because ain't none of it makes any sense, Wedge. And that Minaka guy doesn't seem like his elevator reaches the top floors all that often."

"I think he just watched too much 'Power Rangers' or something when he was a kid. Biggs, you just HAVE to stop looking for trouble."

"Just because I find trouble doesn't mean it wasn't there to begin with."

"Look, we just took several trains to get here. We just need to give... oh hell."

Wedge blinked and looked at Biggs, then followed his gaze to where a tall man with shaggy gray hair was waiting for them.

* * *

Professional soldiers. Mercenaries. Hired guns. Rent-a-cops.

There were many descriptions for their current profession. It basically came down to two old friends who signed up for a job for the usual reasons, with a skill set that included following orders and try to look threatening.

They'd gone by the names "Biggs" and "Wedge" for years. Biggs because he was big, standing nearly 6'4" but fairly thin in build. Wedge was also large, but thicker built. A little portly actually.

Now they were in the service of MBI. Basically rent-a-cops with a little better equipment than usual.

Biggs was trying to figure out what situation they were in now. Too many things just didn't make sense.

Wedge was just hoping they could stick around and draw a steady paycheck.

Right now, Wedge was giving the fuzzy photograph in one hand a look, and then looking up at the guy standing a few yards off who was looking at them.

"If you guys were trying to sneak, you might consider not arguing," said the bemused-looking large guy who'd just appeared there without a sound.

"Uhm," said Biggs. "Would you believe we're just here to deliver a phone?"

"A phone?" asked Jiraiya.

"Yes," said Biggs, reaching VERY slowly and carefully into a pouch and withdrawing the cellphone that had been provided. "MBI paid for it. Your friend there is an Ashikabi and we just need to give you this so our boss can contact you when he needs to contact you. Okay?"

"Akitsu? What do you think?" said the man.

"Ah," said Akitsu, coming out from behind a tree and regarding them. "You don't have a phone?"

"No," said the man. "You know how to use one?"

The tension level seemed to drop a bit as Biggs put the phone on the ground and backed away from it.

"So, do you guys know what's going on?" asked a blonde kid who had a Sekirei hanging near him.

"Nope. All that stuff is 'need-to-know' and the pay-tee-bee have decided we don't need to know," answered Wedge.

"'Pay-tee-bee'?" asked the blonde kid.

"Powers That Be," answered Wedge. "We're mainly guards to help contain stuff, keep the civilians from getting caught up in potentially dangerous stuff. That sorta thing."

"So basically they're genin like you," said the big guy as Akitsu retrieved the phone.

"Oh," said the blonde kid. "Naruto Uzumaki."

"Katsuragi, number 86," said the short-haired Sekirei with a slight bow towards the soldiers.

"Private Biggs. This is my associate, Private Wedge."

"Since we've delivered the phone, we'll just be going," said Wedge.

"You say you don't know anything about the Sekirei and this Sekirei Plan, but surely you must have some theories," said the big guy who still hadn't identified himself.

"Oh, theories," said Biggs. "Got a LOT of those. The Sekirei are pokemon, the Sekirei are pokegirls, the Sekirei are bioengineered supersoldiers, and so on. Problem is, none of it makes a whole lot of sense. Well, I can string together a theory that fits some of what's going on but nothing fits all of it."

"I see," said the big guy. "How'd you find us anyway?"

"Word came down you'd stopped here," said Biggs. "You want my current theory?"

"Sure," said the big guy.

"They got to have some way of tracking Sekirei," said Biggs. "When a Sekirei is beaten, and it's already happened a couple of times, they immediately send word and a helicopter is dispatched. So they got to know immediately when and where. So I figure there's tracking chips or something inside the Sekirei."

"You're just being paranoid," said Wedge to his associate. "Most likely they just use cameras and spy satellites."

"We're still trying to figure out some of this. Like why 'Sekirei' - which is a species of bird. Why name 'em something like that? Because of their crests? A bird over a yin-yang with two tomoe on either side?" Biggs removed his helmet to scratch his head. "Looks more like someone's corporate logo or something, don't ya think?"

"You should keep crazy conspiracy theories to yourself," Wedge advised his companion.

"I'm just the sort of person who likes the world to make some sorta sense," said Biggs. "And there's a lot of this that don't make no sense at all."

"Like?" prompted Jiraiya.

"Okay, I get this bit that the Ashikabi is like a pokemon trainer to the Sekirei's pokemon," said Biggs. "But why release 'em to find their Ashikabi when you're gonna immediately set 'em to fighting each other? You get a couple together to rip 'em apart again right away? How does that make sense?"

"Looking for the strongest maybe?" asked Jiraiya, apparently pondering the concept.

"Except they got to have full medical workouts since they've HAD the Sekirei down at the center all this time before releasing 'em," pointed out Biggs. "How could they not already know that stuff? If it's the strongest pokemon trainer-"

"Ashikabi," interrupted Wedge.

"Right, 'Ashikabi', then shouldn't they be giving 'em more time to train their Sekirei up - and some clue that's what they should be doing?" Biggs began pacing back and forth, revealing just how frustrating he was finding current events. "From what I've seen - it's all 'Here's your Sekirei, oh and ya gotta fight other Sekirei, wham bam, okay you're outta here.'"

"Hmmm, you have thought about this," said Jiraiya.

"He's the sort who can't leave part of a crossword puzzle undone, he just HAS to finish it somehow," said Wedge, rolling his eyes and shrugging. "Biggs, you should just be glad we get assigned to hustling civilians out of fight zones and we get a steady paycheck."

* * *

"You're just letting them go, Pervy-sage?"

"Yes, it seems likely they don't know anything as they claimed," admitted Jiraiya. "Often genin are sent on missions and the full details are concealed from them. In war or other complicated situations, the lowest troops have little idea of the strategies of the higher ranked. That's just common sense - if they get captured they can't reveal what they don't know."

"I suppose," said Naruto.

"Besides, even if they didn't know anything - we still got some useful information from them," said Jiraiya cheerfully. "Now, back to experimenting."

"I don't get it," said Naruto. "And are you sure this isn't something pervy?"

"This involves sealwork, which is another passion of mine," admitted Jiraiya. "The 'Sekirei Crest' is some sort of seal - I'm sure of it. A complicated one too. As complicated as a summoning contract at the very least."

* * *

Kazehana leapt back, smirking at the Sekirei facing her. "Come now, you can do better than that."

The Veiled Sekirei didn't say anything, just let the cloth she controlled drift into defensive positions.

"Not much for talking, hm?" asked Kazehana. "Still, I... what?"

The Veiled Sekirei hesitated as the Sekirei she was facing started looking around.

"There's an Ashikabi near by, but such power..." Kazehana set the bottle she had been carrying through the fight down. "Hold on. What IS that?"

As soon as the other Sekirei was showing signs of extreme distraction, and had accepted the signed indication of truce, the Veiled Sekirei struck.

* * *

"Are you sure about this, Pervy-Sage?" asked Naruto.

"Positive," said Jiraiya. "I haven't gotten much information from Akitsu, but while you were training with Akitsu I had a talk with Katsuragi. Who was MUCH more knowledgeable about certain things."

"Oh yeah, I meant to thank you about having me dodge ice needles and bursts," said Naruto, his tone indicating that he was less than pleased with that.

"No problem, I'm sure you'll do better in the future," said Jiraiya. "And you really helped Akitsu with her aim."

"Well, she's no Tenten," admitted Naruto.

"Excuse me, but I don't think women falling off these ridiculously tall buildings is normal, be right back," said Jiraiya, who was gone in a puff of chakra smoke as soon as he'd finished that statement.

"What?! Oh." Naruto watched. The girl seemed to twist away, Jiraiya twisted to get under her again. The girl twisted some more. The two collided. Green wings spreading from the girl's back.

Naruto winced at the thought of more dodging practice in the near future.

* * *

Kazehana realized immediately what had happened.

She had been falling from the roof, two pieces of cloth slicing through the roof and causing chunks of masonry to slide off. Despite being the Sekirei of Wind, she had been severely off balance immediately due to her footing suddenly losing stability.

As she'd fallen, she'd twisted around to get her balance back and realized she was a little more drunk than she'd realized. Must have been the whiskey, as sake normally didn't give her this much trouble.

She had also realized that someone was impossibly heading towards her at high speeds - running up the side of the building towards her.

Not feeling she needed to be rescued, once she'd gotten the whole up-down thing sorted out, she'd twisted again and began bringing her power to bear.

Unfortunately, the guy (too old to be a Sekirei but what WAS he?) also twisted and tried to catch her.

Lips met.

Oh dear.

She had bonded to someone older even than Minato.

She was winged.

All of this ran through her head in under five seconds. After which she responded exactly as her understanding of the situation dictated.

* * *

Jiraiya considered himself "Jiraiya the Gallant" as well as "Jiraiya the Super Pervert." Some might consider the two as exclusive, but he'd never done so. Women were, in his rarely-humble opinion, wonderful delightful creatures.

On seeing a buxom woman falling from the top of one of the many ridiculously tall buildings, surrounded by pieces of said building, he responded in a manner completely in character for being the one member of the Three Legendary Leaf Ninja that had managed to face Hanzo the Salamander and NOT get immediately overwhelmed.

He disappeared from next to Naruto, using a Shunshin to get to the building and then run all the way up the building at appropriate speed.

The woman twisted in mid-air, panicking most likely. He was skilled enough to adjust for her altered course, but then he was close enough that the next twisting meant that he wasn't quite in the right place.

Still she came down and impacted mainly along his chest even as he threw a ninja-wire line to the building with one hand and used his other arm to secure the woman into place.

Their lips met. He felt some chakra being siphoned away. There was a lot going on at the moment though, so he couldn't analyze the experience in too much detail.

He managed to hold onto the woman and guide their descent, using the ninja-wire to change the angle.

At which point the woman broke out of his grip and kicked herself away, and was gone - with the glimmering of wings fading away behind her back.

So she was a Sekirei, and he had just winged her. Interesting.

"PERVY SAGE! A LITTLE HELP!"

Jiraiya considered just abandoning the kid and giving chase to the woman, but no - he had a feeling she'd be looking him up again later anyway.

In the meantime, Naruto had two girls apparently orienting on him.

* * *

Naruto backed away. "Hey now, I already got Katsuragi here. You don't want me, right?"

"Ikki, Sekirei #19," said one girl, her breath coming in short pants.

"Uhm, Katsuragi, a little help?" asked Naruto, thinking that maybe using one girl to fight another girl might mean less Naruto getting hurt?

"They're reacting to you," said Katsuragi. "Why not just wing them?"

"What?" asked Naruto, it registering that Katsuragi apparently fully intended for both of these other Sekirei to kiss him - and that she didn't see it as a problem.

That hesitation was enough for one of them to launch herself at him, and he barely avoided lip-to-lip contact with the one who hadn't identified herself.

"My Ashikabi!" said the recently introduced Ikki, sounding alarmed as Naruto leapt and rolled and then scampered up a lightpole like a panicked squirrel.

Naruto breathed a sigh of relief from his new post before he felt someone grab onto him. He'd been so focused on the twin kodachi-wielder that he'd lost track of the other one.

* * *

Had things gone on, her abilities would have been mostly useless. Some Sekirei were power-types, with uprated physical strength and durability. Some were speed-types with more of a slant towards enhanced agility and reaction times. Some controlled elements such as fire or wind. Others simply were just a bit more powerful than human physically and able to reinforce a weapon.

Then there were those not well-suited to direct physical confrontation. Most of those would be winged by those Ashikabi who only had a single Sekirei and they would be defeated before the Sekirei Plan's Second Stage began or shortly thereafter.

Nina was one such. Physically she wasn't all that impressive, having normal human-level strength and being just slightly more agile than human, and the clothes she'd been issued made her look more like a sophisticate than a battler. Her ability, however, was as a healer.

Had things gone normally, she would have been with an Ashikabi who had no experience in battles with no mentor who had experience in war.

As silver-pink wings erupted from her back, things changed.

* * *

_Fourteen years, I can't even hold Sakura's hand. I come to this world, I'm getting kissed for the second time in two days. Why?_

Naruto struggled to get out of the liplock when he felt her lips open and her tongue slowly extend.

"Huh. I thought you wanted help, but it looks like you're handling the situation just fine."

Naruto broke the liplock. "WHY?! WHY IS THIS MRPH?!"

"Two at once," said Jiraiya, nodding as Ikki pounced on the opportunity. "I was right to take you on as my apprentice after all."

"Not funny!" indicated Naruto. "Katsuragi! Help!"

Katsuragi scratched her head, then nodded before adding her own body to the "dogpile on the Ashikabi" game.

Of course, this meant they overbalanced and fell off of the streetlamp.

"In some ways, you really are hopeless," said Jiraiya.

"Not my fault!" mumbled Naruto from the pile of bodies.

"Come on, brat, we've got to find a place to set ourselves up, then I'm going to try and find some more answers."

* * *

Naruto watched Jiraiya interview one after the other of these 'Sekirei' gals, trying to figure out what exactly was going on. How this related to his training was unclear.

Finally the Sage seemed to finish up and was showing every sign that he was going to be thinking things over for awhile.

"Pervy-sage? My training?"

"Here," said Jiraiya absently, reaching into a pouch and pulling out...

"A leaf?" asked Naruto. "What the hell is that for?!"

"Chakra control. You don't have it. You need it."

"You gotta be kidding me. I already know this one!"

"But how good are you at it?" asked Jiraiya. "You can float it, right?"

"Yeah, I can float it. Most of the time."

"Watch," said Jiraiya, taking the small leaf and causing it to float a finger's width over his pointer finger. Then flicking it so that it tumbled from one finger tip to the next then to thumb, then over to the other hand where he repeated it.

"What the hell good is that gonna do me against the kind of guys that got Sasuke?" asked Naruto.

"Control of your chakra to this extent allows you to make use of what you've got more efficiently," said Jiraiya, adopting the pose of his own sensei when lectures had been given. "Right now you waste a lot of chakra and the more complicated jutsu are beyond you. The better your control - the more jutsu you can learn and the longer you can throw around the techniques you can master. I'm going to try the Sekirei with basic Academy training for the same basic reason - to lay a foundation for further training."

"Eh?" asked Naruto.

"Naruto, these girls are in a death tournament," said Jiraiya. "Don't you think they deserve the best chance we can give them?"

"Well, I suppose," said Naruto.

_Beep beep beep beep,_ went the little phone device. Akitsu flicked it open, then held it out for Jiraiya to use.

"Ah, about time," said Jiraiya.

"Well, well, the mysterious 'wandering Ashikabi' himself," said the person whose image was on the phone.

"And you are the person in charge of this death tournament?" asked Jiraiya.

"The same!" declared the person on the phone. "Hiroto Minaka!"

"Jiraiya," identified the elder ninja. "Naruto, pay attention."

"Yeah, yeah," said Naruto grumpily.

"Ahem," said Minaka from the phone. "Congratulations! You were magnificently chosen to be the partner of a 'Sekirei'!"

"The whole 'Ashikabi' thing," said Jiraiya. "A 'Sekirei' plan which is basically a death-tournament. Got it. Lots of questions still."

"Well, I can't answer any of them," said Minaka. "After all, I can't give you an unfair advantage over the other Ashikabi - can I?"

"Sure you could, I wouldn't complain a bit," said Jiraiya.

"Haha," said Minaka, actually saying that and not laughing at all. "You winged Kazehana, whom I don't see there."

"The falling girl? Yeah, she left immediately using some sort of wind jutsu," noted Jiraiya.

"The rules of the Sekirei Plan are simple," said Minaka. "There are 108 freed Sekirei. These Sekirei fight and fight and fight. And the Ashikabi of the last remaining Sekirei is given permission to ascend!"

"I keep hearing that term, but don't understand what that means. Can you give a little more detail?" asked Jiraiya.

"Well," said Minaka. "The Ashikabi who overcomes those odds will hold the fate of the world in their hands."

"I see, so some form of ultimate weapon?" asked Jiraiya.

"That... isn't an entirely inaccurate description though it has non-weapon uses," admitted Minaka. "In addition, because this is a project - you have to keep it secret. In the event that you leak information, our MBI will retaliate with all our force and abilities."

"The first rule of secret death tournaments is usually that you can't talk about secret death tournaments," said Jiraiya to Naruto before returning his attention to the phone. "Okay, got it. Now, about the nature of this tournament."

"You'll have to ask your Sekirei for details," said Minaka. "I'm very busy, so-"

_Click!_ went the phone as Jiraiya turned it off. "If he won't give further details then there's no real information there."

"So," said Naruto. "These girls are released, have to find an Ashikabi, then fight each other to the death - and then when there's only one left their Ashikabi can fly up and get some kinda weapon thing?"

"Yeah, that sums it up," agreed Jiraiya.

"That sucks," said Naruto.

"Yeah, that sums it up," repeated Jiraiya.

"So why are we still even here?" asked Naruto. "Let's just go already."

"What happens to a Sekirei when their Ashikabi is no longer in the same universe?" Jiraiya asked Nina.

"That Sekirei shuts down," said Nina, not really following all of this but making a guess.

"YOU DIE?!" squeaked Naruto.

"So what happens if the Sekirei accompanies the Ashikabi out of this universe?" asked Jiraiya.

"I don't understand," said Ikki, who was also trying to follow the conversation.

"Is there something here in this city keeping you alive, or granting you your abilities, or that you otherwise will not survive without?" asked Jiraiya.

Nina glanced at Naruto, then away, obviously thinking about that. Finally she answered. "No. Not that I know of."

"So we can leave, we just gotta take 'em with us," said Naruto, getting that. He grinned.

"One complication," said Jiraiya. "That one that was falling. I need to give her the option of coming with us."

"...Just leave? Just like that?" asked Ikki.

"Yup," said Jiraiya. "I don't like the rules, the outcome, or the conditions of this game. While there's stuff I think is interesting or can be learned here - I don't see a reason to play the game until the final hand."

"Now we're talking," said Naruto.

"Now, to tell you what I've learned about these girls of yours," said Jiraiya. "We'll go with Katsuragi first."

"Yes?" asked Katsuragi, looking a bit concerned.

"Katsuragi is a taijutsu specialist, using a style that emphasizes speed and kicks. Her strength and speed are good but could be better," said Jiraiya. At Katsuragi's crestfallen expression, he added to that. "You could beat most genin or chunin back from where we came from, but a moderately skilled Hyuga or an Uchiha would crush you. There are a few jonin who wouldn't even raise a sweat swatting you down. With my training, you can be a lot better and your taijutsu practice with Naruto can improve his skills a lot."

"Oh?" asked Katsuragi, glancing at Naruto again before staring at her knees from where she was sitting.

"Ikki," said Jiraiya. "Uses twin kodachi. Haven't seen her skill yet, I'll assess you later. Again, chunin level or better strength and speed."

"I'm not sure what 'chunin' means," admitted Ikki.

"Nina," continued Jiraiya, with a nod towards the frilly-clothed Sekirei. "Primarily a healer."

"Oh? Like Sakura-chan?" asked Naruto, brightening.

Nina blushed lightly and fidgeted a bit at the attention from her Ashikabi.

"She has a basic medical skill, we'll see if we can't increase that with practice," said Jiraiya. "She's also good at gathering information, though apparently there are two other Sekirei whose abilities are much greater at such things."

"Oh? So that's why you talked longer with her?" asked Naruto.

"Yep," said Jiraiya. "Now I know you want the flashy jutsu that makes things explode, or look awesome. Let me tell you though - information is what can decide whether a mission is successful or not. Not knowing information can get you and your team killed. That's one reason the Chunin Exams you went through had information gathering as the first test. The most powerful attack jutsu in the world won't do you a bit of good if you can't find the target."

"Got it," agreed Naruto. Had to find Sasuke to drag his sorry butt back to the village after all.

"So, why are we here instead of a hotel or something?" asked Nina. "Why not use the MBI card to get a place to live?"

"Don't trust it," said Jiraiya. "Too convenient. Therefore probably a trap. Like the phone. I expect they're listening in on us."

"That's impossible," said Ikki. "You already turned it off."

* * *

"How did someone who obviously doesn't understand a thing about phones figure out we use those as surveillance devices?"

"Ninja."

"Ninja don't exist."

"Tell them that."

* * *

Jiraiya didn't trust the little thing, but then trust was something a ninja gave sparingly. He had his instincts about such things, and it was telling him now that both of the MBI supplied items were more trouble than they were worth. Besides, those two soldiers had mentioned something about being able to track the Sekirei and know when one was defeated. Since all the Sekirei had those cards and most of the Ashikabi had these 'phones' - that was an obvious possibility.

"Okay, taijutsu training," said Jiraiya.

"Aw, c'mon, Pervy-sage. It's always 'chakra control' or 'taijutsu' now!"

Jiraiya rolled his eyes.

"And would you STOP doing that?!"

"What's your favorite jutsu?" asked Jiraiya.

Naruto hesitated, aware this was a trap. Still, there was one obvious answer. "Shadow Clone."

"Right, which makes solid if fragile copies of yourself, right?" asked Jiraiya.

"Really?" asked Ikki.

"Heh," said Naruto, bringing his hands up into the familiar seal. "Shadow Clone Jutsu!"

There was the usual puffs of smoke and now there were six Naruto.

All three of Naruto's Sekirei expressed how impressed they were with this feat, causing Naruto to actually look slightly embarassed but proud.

"That's right," said Jiraiya after their initial reactions had elapsed. "And none of them can fight worth a crap. So they get killed really fast and you have to create a new group of clones."

"He can spam copies of himself?" asked Nina.

"'Spam'?" asked Jiraiya.

Nina explained the concept of creating swarm attacks, using spread fingers and thrusting motions to try and illustrate as she went along.

"Yeah, that's pretty much it," agreed Jiraiya. "Now, one of the things I DO like about this situation is that with a qualified sparring partner and fellow student for you to train against - everything you learn this way makes your clones better able to defend themselves and therefore yourself."

"A 'force multiplier' then?" asked Nina. "Everything Ashikabi-sama learns, his clones learn, and that slight edge then is multiplied by the number of clones into a more significant advantage?"

Jiraiya beamed, reached into their supplies, and handed the elegant-looking Sekirei a cookie. "Exactly."

Nina looked at the cookie, glanced at her Ashikabi, saw the grin and thumb's up, then blushed and smiled.

"So, now that Ikki is here - I can train you in kenjutsu as well." Jiraiya considered Naruto briefly. "Or maybe not swords."

"Why not swords?" asked Naruto.

"Swords are used primarily to slash with. A wall of clones wielding swords - you might pop a bunch of clones with your own attacks." Jiraiya considered Naruto some more. "Spears might be better. Better reach and more suited to thrusts. A wall of shadow clones bristling with spears would be a distinct threat. Or there's the Uzumaki traditional weapon - which is chain."

"What about me, sir?" asked Nina, still holding the cookie.

"As I understand it, you're not really a front-line fighter," said Jiraiya. "If you had to take part in a fight, I'd suggest you stand back and assist from cover or partial cover using ranged attacks. How is your accuracy with throwing knives?"

* * *

"Taijutsu training. Control training. When do I get to the good stuff?!"

"Ashikabi-sama?" asked Katsuragi, looking sad. Not that this was unusual as she usually looked a bit sad.

"Hmmm?" asked Naruto, still thinking about how that stupid pervy-sage had gone off and left him AGAIN.

"Do you not... want me?" asked Katsuragi.

Naruto was about to reply with a negative. After all, he had not wanted to be here in the first place. Something stopped him. Maybe it was his time with Sakura. After all, it hadn't stopped him from saying things before - but he'd gotten the same feeling of impending doom immediately afterwards when he'd said the wrong thing and Sakura was just beginning to react to it. This was just a second or two earlier.

With a moment of perfect clarity, Naruto Uzumaki KNEW that if he followed his first impulse and loudly declared that the three new girls would just go away - that they would. That in this 'secret death tournament' that Pervy-sage and that Minitonka guy had talked about - all three would very likely be dead.

He wasn't the swiftest mind or one with the best memory for facts and figures, but he'd gotten that much.

"Well, nothing for it but to do it!" tried Naruto, changing tactics. "So... taijutsu first!"

"He didn't answer the question," noted Nina aloud for the benefit of the others.

"Come on, let's tai some jutsu," said Naruto.

"Our Ashikai hates us?" asked Nina.

"Uh oh," said Naruto, knowing that something was coming. He anticipated a Sakura-esque reaction, which was a hit to the head.

No, this was much much worse. Something he had no experience with and therefore no defense against.

The dreaded Puppy-Dog-Eyes-No-Jutsu.

* * *

_Elsewhere_:

Sakura stopped and looked off into the distance. She had a feeling. Somehow, somewhere, a balance had changed.

Unfortunately, Tsunade was still chucking boulders at her apprentice in order to teach that pupil that a medic needed to be able to avoid damage at all times.

_WHAM!_

"Okay, that'll do for today," Tsunade informed the boulder which had a pair of arms and legs sticking out from under it. "Shizune? You'll need to heal her up. Hopefully that'll teach her to ignore distractions during a battle."

Shizune was wincing but nodded, remembering her own studies in that particular lesson.

* * *

"And... there!" said Jiraiya, one foot coming down. Rock formed a plug over the hole.

Akitsu just watched, curious but not saying a word.

"If I need that 'phone' or the card I can come back for them," said Jiraiya. "Otherwise they can't harm anyone down there. That rock is reinforced so even if they explode it'll be contained."

Akitsu raised her eyes towards Jiraiya, still saying nothing.

"So, now I've winged another Sekirei," said Jiraiya, studying Akitsu out of the corner of his eye. "What does that mean for you?"

"Does this mean you will now discard me?" asked Akitsu.

Jiraiya frowned ever so slightly for all that he was pretending to be studying the local trees. Akitsu was normally calm and emotionless for the most part. He'd detected worry in her voice and a flash of a couple of other things on her face that were raising a few red flags. "No. I have no reason to discard a beautiful young woman whether I can 'wing' her or not."

There were visual cues that indicated relief. Nothing that Naruto would pick up, but Jiraiya was a bit more experienced and was actively looking.

"We'll have to look for that falling Sekirei later," said Jiraiya aloud. "In the meantime, I want to fully examine your crest among other things."

"Ah. Page 134?" asked Akitsu.

"134?" asked Jiraiya, puzzled for a moment. Then her reading of Icha Icha Paradise clicked. "Ah. A possibility we'll look into in the fullness of time."

"Ah," said Akitsu, a faint smile and blush appearing on her face.

* * *

"What the hell are we supposed to make out of this?" asked one of the technicians. "They're planning on leaving? They can't do that, we've tightened security on all routes out of the city."

"They managed despite our previous methods," said the supervisor.

"Half the stuff must be codewords or phrases," said another technician. "He'd already stated he knew the phone could be used for surveillance."

"I've already sent a transcript to the boss, as well as the fact that our signal was muffled before it was completely lost," said their supervisor. "Just go ahead to the next problem. We got enough of them."

"He'll send the Disciplinary Squad after 'em," said one of the techs. "Damn. Now I feel sorry for the 'ninja' team."

* * *

Minaka Hiroto considered the information he had. Clever, very clever. Perhaps too clever. And all this talk about leaving the Sekirei Plan was quite concerning.

"Let loose the dogs of war," said Minaka Hiroto.

"We have dogs?" asked Takami.

"I was being poetic and setting the mood," said Minaka.

"I take it you want to send the Disciplinary Squad despite that Karasuba has already made enough of an impression as to have this group ready to flee Tokyo if not Japan?" asked Takami.

"So we send the full power of the Disciplinary Squad to indicate our displeasure at their poor sportsmanship," said Minaka.

"And if they slaughter these 'ninja' - exactly how does it get us any answers about who they really are?" asked Takami.

"Oh, good point. Ah well, too late," said Minaka with a shrug.

"You already sent them?" asked Takami.

Minaka held up his flip-phone. "The signal has been sent."

* * *

"We are SO going to crush these guys," said Benitsubasa, pumping a fist. "You be sure and watch, Natsuo-chan!"

"What do we know about the targets?" asked Haihane, hoping this would be at least interesting.

Natsuo checked the printouts on his clipboard. "According to the boys in Tracking - there are two Ashikabi who are apparently talking about making an escape. Both Ashikabi have identified themselves as 'ninja' - oh. That explains it. They must be corporate spies."

"They won't find anything but blood spatters when I'm done," promised Benitsubasa. "Such a crime is unforgivable!"

"We'll be meeting Karasuba on the way, then going directly after them," said Natsuo. "I get the feeling this might turn out interesting..."

* * *

"Weapon-type Sekirei are able to reinforce their chosen weapon, have some basic training with that weapon, and are able to use some specific attacks by using the weapon as a focus," said Nina as Naruto tried to dodge Ikki's attacks. "They are also stronger and faster than an average human."

"I got that," said Naruto, his hands coming into a familiar position. "Shadow Clone Jutsu!"

Now facing seven Naruto, Ikki merely attacked the one who hadn't moved between smoke-puffs. Except that the flat part of her sword caused the target to go poof.

"Unarmed combat specialists tend to be stronger and faster," continued Nina. "Individuals vary, of course. Also - the more affection a Sekirei gets - the more of their own potential is unlocked."

Ikki had taken out four more clones during that speech, only to find one of the others had landed a really solid hit on the back of her head.

"So that's it?" asked Naruto as he waited for Ikki to shake off the hit.

"Well, there are also element-type Sekirei like Akitsu," said Nina. "Those who have control over ice or fire or wind or such. Those are rarer than the weapon-types and specialize in long range attacks. Then there are brain-types like myself who are skilled in support and not as good at the actual combat roles."

"So what about the numbers? They mean anything?" asked Naruto as Ikki nearly parted his hair with her opening attack.

"The most powerful are the first nine - the single digits," said Nina from her position on the side-lines sitting next to Katsuragi. "The information on the Sekirei is generally not available though, unless you're working for MBI directly. I'm a healer-type with information-gathering as secondary. There are a total of 108 Sekirei, so there are going to be many of those we're just not familiar with."

"Time," called out Katsuragi.

Ikki sheathed her swords in a practiced move, bowed lightly, and then returned to the sidelines. Katsuragi took her place, settling into a basic stance.

"Begin," called out Ikki as the second hand clicked into place on the watch.

* * *

He came from a ninja world where they had ninjutsu techniques for darn near everything. Ninja who had fire-fighting duties in their hidden village, for example, usually had a few Water Release techniques that were adapted from combat techniques or crafted specifically for that purpose. There were low-level techniques used for such things as cleaning windows that might have started out as a training method but were frequently used anyway due to the utility.

He was considered a super-pervert and one of the Leaf Village's legendary ninja. For him not to have some perverted jutsu would have been more surprising.

He was also curious about a few things, as this touched upon one of his other passions and something he considered himself better than Orochimaru in: Fuuinjutsu or Sealcraft. The Sekirei Crest was a seal, or close enough. While he'd never been able to completely unravel Orochimaru's Cursed Heaven Seal because it tended to kill the people it was on long before he'd unraveled a third of it. Since that seal was linked to the chakra of the victim, it then fell apart after death.

This was a bit different from what he was used to, but there was apparently no danger of the seal malfunctioning while he was exploring it.

Certainly Akitsu seemed to be enjoying it, though he was having to reinforce his ribs among other things to avoid physical injury.

* * *

"Did the ground just shake?" asked Naruto, glancing in the direction of the tent.

"Akitsu is so lucky," said Ikki as she looked in that direction herself. "For a Scrapped Number at least."

_FWAM!_

Two wings of ice shredded a good part of the tent.

"Averting eyes," said Naruto, squeezing his eyes shut then covering them with his hands and turning away. There were some things he didn't want to EVER see and this was pretty high on that list.

There was no reply from any of his Sekirei, just a loud feminine groan that sounded like Akitsu's voice.

"Gee," said Naruto, still covering his eyes. "That sounds like an excuse to go buy some more ramen! I think I saw a place just outside the forest a bit. Hopefully far enough away. Let's go!"

"Uhm, right," said Katsuragi. "I suppose it will be hard to concentrate on sparring."

"I like ramen," said Ikki. The grin her Ashikabi turned on her indicated that her response was the correct one.

* * *

Karasuba took out a notebook, jotted something down, and then stashed the little notebook away again.

"That was your Death Notebook, wasn't it?" asked Benitsubasa, looking around the train station. "Who got on your list this time?"

"Whoever invented this 'musak' thing," said Karasuba. "I used to like this song."

Benitsubasa shrugged. "Why are we going by train anyway?"

"They're in a park on the edge of town. Easiest way to get there," said Natsuo.

"I suppose," said Benitsubasa.

"Besides," put in Haihane, "the company car was in for maintenance."

"Ah," said the pink-haired fighter. That made sense.

* * *

Ikki looked over her young Ashikabi and wondered if he was one of those individuals whose mental/emotional age lagged behind their physical age. Could that be it?

After all, their Ashikabi acted like he was afraid of them or something.

Wait, he couldn't be one of those guys who only liked other guys could he?

Ikki frowned slightly as she watched her Ashikabi sitting on the stool in front of the little food vendor.

* * *

"So, uhm, Nina?" asked Naruto. "You're a 'healer type' you said? So you can heal other Sekirei?"

"Yes," said Nina, flipping her hair back over her shoulder. "That is so. Also my Ashikabi if necessary. My techniques do take a bit of time and physical contact to be effective."

"And you said an 'information' type secondary," continued Naruto. "How does that work?"

"Ah, I have an exceptional memory and the ability to scan things to determine what's wrong with them," said Nina. "It's related to my medical talents - diagnosing problems so they can be treated."

"Huh," said Naruto, wondering if Sakura could do that.

"Ah, Ashikabi-sama," said Ikki, blushing acutely. "Are you... gay?"

"No, I'm not all that happy at the moment but I'm not exactly unhappy I guess," responded Naruto.

"Uhm, that's not quite what I meant," offered Ikki.

"She wants to know if you're the kind of guy who only finds guys attractive," said Katsuragi.

"Oh, so that's what you mean. Gee, I was kinda wondering what you were... No. No I am not 'gay'," said Naruto. "That is NOT funny."

"If our Ashikabi were homosexual, I doubt he would be anything other than embarrassed or repelled when we kissed him," said Nina. "That was not the case. Blood pressure and heart rate spiked, there was a release of endorphins and he had a particular reaction-"

"ACK!" said Naruto, making warding gestures. "Can we NOT have this conversation? Especially while sitting in front of a food stand?"

"Ah," said Nina. "So what subject do you wish to converse regarding? My hobbies are reading, sewing, and I'm rather fond of the 'arts and crafts' hobby angle."

"I like to fish," said Katsuragi, her usual melancholy lifting just a bit. "Also I like to eat fish. Grilled is good."

"I like historical dramas," said Ikki. "When I got the chance back at the labs, I'd watch those. Particularly the Warring States dramas."

"Okay," said Naruto. "That gives us something to go on. What do you say we-"

At which point a pink-haired blur appeared in front of him and was sending a punch towards his face. For a moment he'd thought that Sakura-chan had managed to track him down.

Then Naruto was aware of Katsuragi's heel smashing aside that fist.

* * *

Nina was quite aware of what was going on the moment that Benitsubasa had attacked their Ashikabi.

The members of the Disciplinary Squad were known to her, and if Benitsubasa had managed to kill their Ashikabi - they'd be shut down immediately.

As it was, she didn't rate their chances as particularly high. The Disciplinary Squad wasn't exactly known for being kind and understanding souls. Deadly and efficient was more their modus operandi.

Naruto was gawping, off balance from the sudden violence. No help there.

Benitsubasa was being held off by Katsuragi. If things remained one on one - the battle would take some time to resolve and the outcome not particularly clear.

Ikki was completely occupied by Haihane, dual-wielder of kodachi versus dual-wielder of clawed gauntlets. Again, a near thing if left to their own devices.

Which left the most dangerous Sekirei in the Plan.

Nina put her back against a power pole, scanning the area. If the Black Sekirei were here - she was either watching the battle to gauge their strength or she was-

There was an abrupt sharp pain in her chest and Nina knew where the Black Sekirei was to be found.

* * *

Naruto was a little taken aback by the sudden overwhelming violence. Even Zabuza, supposedly the master of Silent Killing techniques, had talked during a fight.

One second, he was learning that his Sekirei were people who had hobbies and such. He was trying to come to terms with the apparent fact that he had three girls who were devoted to him. Like his own ninja team and stuff!

Next second, he had some gal trying to push his face to the back of his head and things were going off.

His hands came up into a familiar seal and sixteen Naruto scattered to assist his Sekirei.

Nina had a sword coming out of her chest, and the sword-wielder just planted one foot against her back and pulled her sword out while throwing the medic-type to the ground in one movement.

Katsuragi was being pressed by the not-Sakura. Ikki was fighting some woman with claws.

Naruto had two clones with him forming a Rasengan when the sword-wielder was slicing through one clone and jabbing her blade through his right shoulder.

"I don't know what you were doing." The woman wrenched her sword out, twisting it as she did. "On the other hand." She brought her sword up and licked blood off the side. "I don't need to know."

She was dog-piled by shadow clones at that point.

"This is nice," said the woman, slicing away and grinning in an insane manner. "I get to kill you more than once!"

* * *

He was curious. That boy was not a Sekirei. Yet he was able to briefly form some spinning ball of shimmer in his hands while making duplicates of himself.

Still, of the three Sekirei that the boy had - one was down and the other two would be dealt with quickly enough. Yes, he was confident that this Ashikabi would be dealt with soon enough and then they could go after the elder of the two.

He never saw the fist coming that caught him above one temple with enough force that he slid across the ground three feet. In fact, he completely lost track of everything after that impact.

* * *

"You guys might want to stop, or this guy is going to end up deader than free ramen around Naruto."

This did the trick, bringing the three members of the Disciplinary Squad to a halt. The various copies of Naruto draped over them and trying to stick kunai into various portions of anatomy also stopped.

Katsuragi picked herself up off the ground, glanced in that direction once, and then returned her full attention to the pinkette.

Nina was face down on the pavement.

Ikki was dealing with the stump of one sword and the other held in a clawed gauntlet. She blinked as if trying to process just what it was she was seeing.

"HEY!" The pinkette pointed at the newcomer. "Attacking an Ashikabi is forbidden!"

"Oh?" said Jiraiya, the hand holding up the unconscious man giving him a little shake. "Then what would you call what it is you're doing?"

"You better turn him loose or I'll crush you!" promised the pinkette.

"Oh really?" asked Jiraiya.

"You turn him loose or I'll put my sword through this one's neck," said the Black Sekirei, pointing at the bleeding Naruto. "I'm pretty sure he's the real one."

"I see," said Jiraiya. "Well then. Maybe I should-"

"Rasengan!" said the real Jiraiya as the shadow clone poofed away and Natsuo began falling towards the ground again.

Karasuba was fast, no doubt about it, turning and bringing her sword to a guard position before the first syllable had finished.

As a result the edge of her blade met the spinning ball of chakra. A masterwork katana became shrapnel but managed to cancel the attack.

Jiraiya immediately flashed through hand-seals as the Sekirei reacted to the unexpected destruction of her weapon with a slight widening of the eyes and paused during battle as she reassessed the threat.

Fire Release: Flame Bullet was sprayed into that slightly surprised face.

He trusted his instincts. They were telling him that this woman was as dangerous as Orochimaru and crazier than a bag of rabid weasels.

He was going for the Overwhelming Violence option.

* * *

It appeared she was not needed after all. It was intriguing to see an Ashikabi who was himself powerful enough that he didn't need to be protected, and was capable of going one-on-one with Karasuba.

No. Correct that. It was downright impressive. Karasuba was going fast enough that a normal human and a number of Sekirei wouldn't even be able to see a blur. This man was keeping up and throwing attacks out that rivaled element-type Sekirei attacks. Then he was using unarmed fighting techniques against his opponent that were apparently sufficiently powerful that even Karasuba was thrown off of him.

Yes, it was impressive and... wasn't that Akitsu - who had been a Scrapped Number the last she'd heard. Was that a Norito?

* * *

The scene of battle was unmistakable, her Ashikabi was fighting the Black Sekirei. No, she would NOT lose him after she'd finally gotten winged. And oh how she'd been winged!

"Breath of Jotunheim,  
Encase the enemy of my Ashikabi,  
And shatter their dreams,  
Absolute Zero."

Jagged ice formed paths, shooting towards Karasuba.

* * *

Tatsuhara had been the proprietor of The Snickery Snack for three years now. A small cart selling food in a park near a few tables and benches, nothing fancy but it made ends meet.

He was aware of MBI as a massive conglomerate but nothing more than that.

His first impression of the blonde had been some mixed-blood Westerner. He knew a few people who would look down on such things, but he was a businessman and a bit more open-minded about such things anyway. If anything, he was a bit jealous of the way those three girls had looked at the boy.

Ah well, such was the ways of youth. Let them enjoy it while they could and all - soon enough they'd be facing the typical drudgery that most people ended up with. Very few people, after all, seemed to find their niche where they could work and actually enjoy themselves doing it.

Tatsuhara enjoyed making quick little dishes and selling hot food to people who were out and about. Quite often he got to overhear conversations and get a peek into lives unlike his own. He felt it broadened his own horizons and allowed him to better appreciate what he had.

There were the overheard comments that he didn't know what to make of. What was an 'Ashikabi' anyway?

Everything had come apart abruptly. Some other girls had shown up and attacked his customers. At first he'd thought it some kind of lover's spat, maybe the attacking girls were after the guy too? No, that theory had been discarded pretty quick.

Was it gangs maybe? Some cult? Perhaps Yakuza or some other group disputing things?

When one of his customers, the one with the opera gloves, had gotten a sword rammed through her - he'd already hit the speed dial on his phone for police assistance. Dropping behind the counter, he'd listened for the expected sound of an emergency dispatcher.

Instead he'd gotten a "no signal" message, which had to be wrong as he knew darn well he could get a signal there as he'd done so for years.

When things went quiet, he slowly brought his head up to peek over the counter.

There were large chunks of ice over there, one of the tables was on fire, there had to be fifty identical copies of that blond kid, and there was a really tall guy with gray hair sitting atop the biggest damn toad he'd ever seen.

What the heck was going on here?

* * *

Minaka Hiroto was checking on aspects of his Sekirei Plan as he usually did. For some people, they checked their Twitter account or e-mail. For him, it was the bank of screens and displays that showed him what was going on throughout his city.

_THUD!_

The odd noise drew his attention and he had to admit that the picture of a shibari-tied Karasuba lying on the floor was probably something he'd remember for the rest of his life.

Minaka licked lips a little nervously though, because for her to show up here without any prior warning meant something had gone seriously wrong and off-script.

"So, you're this 'Minaka' guy," said an unfamiliar voice.

"That's right," said Minaka, backing towards a console that had a nice big red emergency button.

"Now now," said the big guy who absolutely could not have been there, but was. Said impossibility tapped a section of Natsuo's skull and the Ashikabi of the Disciplinary Squad went limp. "No need for that. We're just going to have a talk."

"A talk?" asked Minaka, backed up against the console and reaching backwards for a red button.

The big guy was suddenly there and holding that arm in a manner that suggested he could crush the limb without half-trying. "Yes, we're just going to have a pleasant chat. Then me and my Sekirei will go one way, and you and your little plan will go your own way."

"Oh? Is that all?" asked Minaka, now thinking that maybe he should have gone for the escape-chair instead.

"Oh, yes," said the big guy, somehow reminding Minaka of an amiable bear. Friendly for the moment, but very very dangerous. And liable to show that latter quality in a very short amount of time. "Now, what ever shall we talk about?"

* * *

"Okay, I'm back," said Jiraiya two hours later.

"About time, Pervy Sage," grumbled Naruto.

"How about it, Nina? You recovered enough to take a trip?" asked Jiraiya.

"Yes, as long as I don't move around too much," stated the healer Sekirei.

"What about you?" asked Jiraiya, directing his attention to a tree.

A very buxom form came out from behind the tree. "I was right. You do appear interesting. Where are we going?"

Jiraiya went through hand-seals quickly, summoning a toad that was almost Gamabunta's size. "Sort of a reverse summoning. It'll be a bit wet and slimy, but we leave here - go to the toad mountain, and from there back to my own world."

"About time!" declared Naruto.

"Another world?" asked Kazehana. "This I have to see."

* * *

"Whatever that is, it messed up the dismissal," said the toad. "I have to return again, that really hurt."

"Yeah, best to get checked out," agreed Jiraiya, hefting the jinki. "If I find a place to get rid of this we can resume the journey then."

_Poff!_ went the toad.

"Okay, now we figure out where we are," said Jiraiya.

"I don't think we're in the Land of Fire," summed up Naruto, looking at the fog-shrouded land that ended in a scene he'd never seen before.

"I've seen that before," said Jiraiya thoughtfully. "There's a place atop a mountain in Cloud where they study the sky through a series of lenses. Now if I could remember what its called."

"A galaxy," said Nina. "Specifically a galaxy of a type known as a 'Spiral Galaxy' though this one looks a bit different. You're also not supposed to be able to see one with the naked eye like that."

"It's kind of hard to miss," noted Ikki.

"The only other thing besides mist is that inn," pointed out Kazehana.

"Then that's where we'll start," said Jiraiya, hiking up a backpack by one strap.

"Odd that it looks like some sprawling European manor," noted Nina.

"What are you talking about?" asked Ikki. "It's clearly a ryokan."

"Interesting," said Jiraiya, turning his full attention to it now himself. "I see a large building which is obviously a monastery. Kai!"

"What was that?" asked Kazehana.

"Trying to dispel a genjutsu," said Jiraiya. "Even more interesting - I got a message. 'Caution: N-Dimensional Construct, Viewing Without Reality Filters May Cause Psychological Damage.' What does everyone else see?"

"I see Hogwarts," said Katsuragi.

"Okay," said Jiraiya, scratching his head at that one. Lesions on a pig's skin?

"Oh, that place in the Harry Potter movies?" asked Nina.

"You mean nobody else sees a castle?" asked Naruto.

"What about you, Akitsu?" asked Jiraiya when it was obvious that the ice Sekirei wasn't speaking.

"Ah. A building made of ice," said Akitsu finally.

"Okay, time to investigate further since we don't have another way of getting home that I can see," said Jiraiya.

* * *

"Damn, we're getting a lot of visitors today," said the guy just in past the doors.

Jiraiya glanced at the short man, then around the room. "Stone walls, lighting from chandeliers, common room with what looks like a cafe mixed with a library just beyond it."

"That's what I see as well," said Kazehana, followed by agreement from the various others.

"Short guy, maybe four feet in height, heavy build, wearing some sort of armor," said Jiraiya, glancing at the greeter. "Heavy beard, deep red hair."

"So we see the same thing there as well," said Kazehana.

"I see a dwarf in plate armor," said Katsuragi.

"That you do, lass," said the dwarf affably. "The interior of the complex is stabilized space. You should all be seeing the same thing. Outside, that's another matter. Are you travelers or refugees?"

Jiraiya considered how to answer that question.

"What's the difference?" asked Naruto.

"Travelers are those who are going from one reality or universe to another and end up here," explained the dwarf. "Refugees are those who are fleeing the destruction of their world or universe and end up here without intending to at all."

"Travelers," decided Jiraiya. "So where exactly is 'here'?"

"This is known by a number of names but the Eclectic Sanctuary is one," said the dwarf. "Another is the Reality Eddy, as we're essentially in a stabilized area between the various forms of existence."

"Jiraiya?" asked a voice.

That brought a round of blinking and seeking out the voice - which was pinpointed by the speaker getting up at the table and waving.

"Okay, this might be interesting," said Jiraiya as he made his way towards the table.

* * *

"Ladies?" asked Jiraiya, checking out the four women at the table.

"Jiraiya of the Sannin, do sit down please," said one of the women. "We have a business deal to discuss."

"I'm just here as an arbiter," said one of the women.

"Pervy-sage. I think we need to get away fast," said Naruto.

"Why?" asked Jiraiya.

"I dunno, I'm just feeling... the Kyubi. The Kyubi is frightened," said Naruto, his voice shifting from nervous to wondering as he figured out where that feeling of dread was coming from.

"I'll admit that's interesting," said Jiraiya. "Anything else?"

"They're not human?" asked Naruto.

"Neither, strictly speaking, are the Sekirei," said Jiraiya, taking a seat. "Need a bit more to go on than that."

"My name is Mystra, I am an essence-fragment of a goddess of magic," said the woman with the midnight-black-blue hair. She indicated the companion on her immediate right. "This is Eilistraee, an essence-fragment of the goddess of good drow and swordskill. Next to her is a representitive of Bastet, goddess of cats and sensual pleasure. And finally is our arbiter, Freya of the Norse."

"Interesting," said Jiraiya. "You ladies already seem to know me, but just for the record - I am indeed the gallant Jiraiya."

"We noticed you come in and decided to summon the arbiter and see if you'd be interested in a mutually beneficial deal," said Mystra.

"I can think of all sorts of deals we might be able to make," said a leering Jiraiya.

"Actually," said the dark-skinned white-haired pointy-eared woman who'd been introduced as Eilistraee, "if you would put aside that particular facade for now - even in a time outside time and space outside space - we don't really have time for that."

"Hmmm?" asked Jiraiya, then half-shrugging. "But the facade is so much fun."

"Regardless," said Eilistraee with some obvious distaste.

"Suit yourself," said Jiraiya finally. "So what kind of deal are you offering?"

"Both myself and Eilistraee are essentially dead in our own realm as of this time," said Mystra. "I had mechanisms in place that this might not always be the case, and one of which is before you. Ellie here had a portion of her divine essence siphoned off and hidden away by a trickster by the name of Erevan prior to her death without her knowledge. Just a small fragment, but perhaps enough."

"Must you use that nickname?" complained Ellie.

"You're looking exceptionally fine for dead," Jiraiya observed.

"What? You believe this?" asked Naruto.

"I'm willing to entertain the possibility that things are presented as being mostly true," responded Jiraiya. "One of the first rules of dealing with higher-level entities is don't believe everything they say, and another is don't piss them off - be polite."

"Nice to interact with someone who understands the basics," said the arbiter.

"So - this deal is?" asked Jiraiya.

"In my case, what I ask is that you accept some magical power and knowledge - and in return spread that knowledge in your own world to those you deem suitable," said Mystra. "If you do so - my anchoring outside of my usual universes will be stronger and my existence more secure."

Jiraiya thought on that and slightly nodded. "I'm not agreeing with the offer, but I see what I stand to gain and what you stand to gain."

"Huh?" asked Naruto. "What do you get out of it?"

"Entirely new and potentially powerful jutsu," said Jiraiya. "Pay attention Naruto."

"What I seek is basically the same as Mystra, plus these," said Eilistraee, spreading her hands and having several forms appear as ghostly images. "A few followers I was able to save from the ravages of my enemy. A refuge in a new world would be good. In return, I would impress upon your swordswoman some of my own skill with the blade."

"If you're just doing something like copying the skill, then I request the same be done for my apprentice here," said Jiraiya, jerking a thumb at Naruto.

"That... would be possible," said Eilistraee.

"Eh?" asked Naruto.

"Kenjutsu skills," translated Jiraiya.

"Oh," said Naruto, thinking that could come in handy.

"Interesting," said Jiraiya. "Not that I'm agreeing to anything at the moment. And you - 'Bastet' wasn't it?"

The lion-woman nodded. "I'm not in their situation. More like bored and looking for distractions. You both have a summoning contract for toads, but it is not exclusive. How about a summoning contract for cats?"

"That could be handy," admitted Jiraiya. "Not that I'm agreeing to such a thing off-hand."

* * *

Naruto was over his head when the bargaining started in earnest. He had to admit this was NOT a skill he'd learned. Heck, just finding someone who would sell him stuff was hard enough.

The arbiter, Freya she'd been introduced as, listened while swirling around some amber liquid in her glass. It was only when both of the hagglers had finished that she spoke. "To conclude then. Jiraiya of the Sannin will distribute two scrolls from Bastet of the Egyptian pantheon, one being a cat-summoning contract and the other being the 'feline enhancement jutsu' to up to two kunoichi. One of whom will be a member of an established clan."

"Agreed," said Jiraiya.

"Agreed," said Bastet, handing over two scrolls.

Jiraiya made the scrolls vanish up one sleeve.

"Further," said Freya. "The device known as a Jinki will remain in Jiraiya's care but will receive the modification known as the Catgirl Surprise should anyone try to use it for the purpose of eradicating a species."

"Oh yes, agreed," said Bastet.

"Frankly, any change of a setting from 'genocide' to something less tragic meets my approval," said Jiraiya. "Hopefully it won't be necessary - but agreed."

"You and catgirls," complained Mystra.

"I like catgirls, they're bouncy fun," said Bastet.

"I also don't object to bouncy fun," admitted Jiraiya.

"And, if you'll recall, I added elves to the potential results parameters just in the spirit of inclusiveness," said Bastet, holding up a sphere of something gold and swirling and touching it to the Jinki that Jiraiya held up.

"My turn?" asked Eilistraee.

"Do I need to do this?" asked Naruto.

"Do you have any skill at bargaining, making deals with foreign dignitaries, developing contracts?" asked Jiraiya. "Diplomacy?"

"Uhm, no," said Naruto. Yeah, he'd dealt with foreign princesses and such, but not so much writing stuff out.

"Then no," said Jiraiya.

"Perhaps I could take over?" asked Nina.

"I admit, I don't have much experience with this bargaining either," admitted Eilistraee.

"Oh, I'll handle it then," said Bastet brightly.

"I suppose," said the drow goddess, looking into her glass. "Maybe I should specify something stronger."

* * *

"Thash right," said Eilistraee. "Chu go, go go, gogogo." _KER-THUNK!_

"You know, for a warrior goddess, she's a lightweight," said Bastet, looking at where the drow goddess currently passed out at the table.

"Huh?" asked Naruto, who'd tuned out everything from sheer boredom with the proceedings. "Did you two stop arguing finally?"

"Right, I think I got a good deal," said Nina happily.

"Right," said Bastet. "You get four mystic swordmaidens in addition to your three Sekirei. Two will be dark elves from her mother's side, two light elves from her father's side of the elven species."

"I what?" asked Naruto.

"After the initial marriages and the progeny," continued Bastet, "they'll eventually have a sizable enough genetic pool to intermarry again and basically have a bloodline clan."

"What?" squeaked Naruto.

"Something wrong?" asked Nina.

"No, actually," said Jiraiya. "I think you did pretty good."

"WHAT?!" squeaked Naruto.

"Which everyone involved would have to agree on," added Jiraiya. "Which seems pretty unlikely to be Naruto only."

"WHAT?!" squeaked Naruto.

"Yeah, I kinda thought you looked zoned out for most of that," said Jiraiya.

"B-b-but?!" tried Naruto.

"You have to forgive him," said Jiraiya. "He's at the age where hormones haven't really kicked in. He's had a crush on one girl, but otherwise he acts as if he's still at the 'girls are icky' stage."

"I DO NOT!" declared Naruto.

"Why he hasn't even practiced with his Sekirei, letting them have their Noritos," said Jiraiya.

"I WHAT?!" asked Naruto.

"Kissing, Ashikabi-sama," gently said Nina, hoping their Ashikabi wouldn't have a heart attack. "We Sekirei say our Noritos after being kissed to unleash powerful abilities."

"Oh?" asked Naruto.

"Girls don't have cooties, you know," supplied Jiraiya.

"I know that!" declared Naruto, glaring at his sensei. "Just because I don't act all pervy with anyone, doesn't mean I'm a kid!"

"But you are a kid," said Jiraiya. "Fourteen."

"Why are you acting all calm and thoughtful anyway?" asked Naruto, noting that Jiraiya's voice had been VERY calm no matter what was going on.

"The answer to that involves adult activities you are very clearly not ready for," said Jiraiya.

* * *

WRITING NOTES:

Response to this was lukewarm at best over at the AA.

So, Jiraiya the Wizard (because he plans in advance, researches, and comes up with strategies) while Naruto goes towards Sorcerer (charges in, plans on the fly), with possibly Nina going towards Cleric or a Wizard herself.

Coming back to Konoha, Kazehana meets Tsunade and...

(shrug)

* * *

**ALTERNATE ENDING**:

The original path i'd planned, but drew even less positive response. Switch occurs right after the attempt to use toad-transport.

* * *

A toad materialized on a lily pad. Normally this was unremarkable. Except for the toad being roughly the size of a schoolbus and being considerably heavier, the lily pad of sufficient size that it dwarfed the toad, and the toad arriving in a puff of chakra smoke - it was pretty much an every day event.

However, on this mountain - all these factors were pretty much normal.

When the toad vomited up several humans (or two humans and five near-humans) was a little less normal.

"That was icky and disgusting and I don't ever want to have to go through that again," said one of the women.

"Well, it shouldn't have to happen again," said Jiraiya. "There's another way to get from Mount Myoboku to the Land of Fire."

"So we got to start over again?" asked Naruto.

"No," answered Jiraiya. "We're going to go in a different direction this time. If the people chasing after you are able to trace us through all THAT - then there's no escaping them."

"So, what do you..."

_PAMF!_

"Just call me Minaka," said Jiraiya, now under a henge of the CEO. "The Sekirei don't need a henge or a cover identity, obviously. Naruto - you on the other hand we're going to use a disguise until we're well away."

"You mean like my sexy jutsu?" asked Naruto, frowning.

"No, that's still too close to your normal appearance," said Jiraiya.

"Can we get a shower first?" asked Ikki.

"That sounds like a good idea, and we'll go over details of the cover background," said Jiraiya. "There's an inn with a hot springs about half a day from the Toad Mountain access point."

* * *

"AGHHH!" yelled Naruto, sinking down to his nose briefly in the water. "Blub blurg blob!"

"Try speaking with your mouth above the waterline," suggested Jiraiya, leaning back in the hot springs and apparently completely at ease.

Naruto stared for a moment, then rose up until his head was above water but turned to face the wall. "What are you doing?!"

"The sign said 'mixed bathing'," pointed out Kazehana as she settled into the water. "Ah. Sake?"

Jiraiya reached into the water, pulled a bottle out, then poured some into a wooden square cup before handing it off to the wind sekirei.

"Ashikabi-sama? Is there something wrong?" asked Ikki as she and the others approached.

"You're naked! I'm naked! We're all... naked! In our... nakedness," pointed out Naruto.

"We're supposed to bathe with clothing on?" asked Ikki.

"Our Ashikabi is gay after all?" asked Nina, beginning to sulk. After all, his apparent lack of interest was really beginning to get to her.

"That's not it!" declared Naruto. "It's improper. And then there's Sakura!"

"Sakura?" asked Katsuragi. "You mean #82?"

"No, #82 was Hari. #83 was Sakura," corrected Nina.

"Are you sure? I thought that was Yukiko," mused Ikki.

"You're all wrong," said Jiraiya. "Sakura is Sakura Haruno, a ninja of Konohagakure - where we're from. She's apprenticed as a medical ninja to Tsunade, one of my old team. It's an old and sad story."

"We're not old," said Naruto.

"An old and sad story?" asked Kazehana, holding out her cup for a refill. "Do tell."

Jiraiya refilled Kazehana's cup and then his own, silent and considering for a few moments before he spoke again. "Gaki. You repeat ANY of this and I will get even in a painful and humiliating manner that will scar you for life."

"Eh WHAT?!" asked Naruto, turning around to glare at his sensei. A slight splashing noise let him know that his Sekirei were now standing nearby and therefore covered only so far by the water of the bath. "Erk."

"It's happened several times now, and has been a problem in at least three generations of ninja with the same pattern repeating," said Jiraiya, sounding wistful. Which was not at all what Naruto expected considering the presence of well-built naked female forms in the same tub.

If he'd known that Jiraiya was saving the energy and enthusiasm for what he was pretty sure was coming later - he might have been a little less weirded out by the seeming out-of-character moment.

This was also Jiraiya's "mission face" - which precluded some aspects of his usual slapstick role.

"In Konoha, we go with three man teams of genin - young ninja," explained Jiraiya, glancing up as Akitsu sat nearby but not in the water, wearing a towel that really didn't cover the situation all that well. He leered at her for a moment before turning his attention back to Kazehana. "Due in large part to the fact that two-thirds of all Academy students are male, the teams are almost always one female ninja and two male ninja. There are other factors, and there have been all male teams and even a couple of teams where the balance was different but mostly that's how it goes."

"Two guys for every girl," said Kazehana. "Sounds interesting."

"In the case of my team and Naruto's team, and in at least one other case I'm familiar with, it also has a problem," said Jiraiya. "Boy A is not too good with schoolwork, has low grades but talent. Boy B is acclaimed as a genius. The girl is fairly skilled - especially as an academic. Boy A has a thing for the girl who has a thing for Boy B. Boy B isn't really interested in the girl, who finds this lack of interest to be cool or something and intriguing. The girl also doesn't care at all for Boy A - deeming him a failure, uncool, unhip, and so on."

Naruto twitched a couple of times but didn't speak.

"In the case of my team, I was Boy A. I did poorly in class but had reams of natural talent and creativity," said Jiraiya. "Tsunade was the girl, Orochimaru the genius everyone threw accolades at. In Naruto's case - he is Boy A, Sakura is the Girl, and Sasuke Uchiha is Boy B. In both cases, Boy B betrays the village and becomes an outright villain while Boy A tries to redeem them or bring them back. I failed. Naruto is still trying."

"What, you and Granny?" asked a somewhat discomfited Naruto.

"Tsunade was never interested in me," said Jiraiya. "She started out interested in Orochimaru, and then she had Dan, and after Dan - well, I don't think she's interested in anyone at all. Maybe not even capable of that at this point - too many scars on the heart. Getting back to that - Naruto has managed to get the interest of a particular girl from his village but completely snubbed her and there's a chance she'll be out to kill him for that when he returns."

Naruto hung his head. "How was I supposed to know?"

"Ah, that's one of your problems there, gaki," said Jiraiya. "You're expecting logic, fairness, or reason to apply. The subject is women. That's not going to work at all."

"I object," said Nina.

"You disputing the accuracy?" asked Jiraiya.

"Well, not completely, it just doesn't sound right put that way," allowed Nina.

"Well, you're still an ero-sennin," complained Naruto.

"Oh, yes," said Akitsu, sounding quite pleased despite maintaining a composed and calm expression.

"Hmmm, I'll have to investigate that myself," said Kazehana.

"Wait till I demonstrate my jutsu," promised Jiraiya.

"You have pervy jutsu?!" asked Naruto, twitching a bit.

"Naruto, we're ninja. Ninja have been developing and adapting ninjutsu for hundreds of years," stated Jiraiya. "There are dish-washing jutsu, campfire-lighting jutsu, bug-repellant jutsu - though those aren't too effective against kikai insects and the like, jutsu adapted for cleaning windows, and jutsu for fixing potholes in the road and patching walls. Didn't your jonin-sensei teach you any of those?"

Naruto stiffened for a moment, then said something fairly impolite.

"Sounds like a 'no'," said Jiraiya to Kazehana as he refilled her sake cup.

"People learn jutsu to do D-Rank missions?" asked Naruto.

"Yeah, after you've done 'em for awhile and built up your stamina and chakra capacity, then you learn basic control stuff like tree-climbing and water-walking, and then you learn the simple jutsu that continue to work on the capacity and control issues," said Jiraiya. "You've got the Uzumaki stamina, and anyone who can throw out as many clones as you has got chakra capacity to burn."

"Right," said Naruto, feeling a bit better.

"Now," said Jiraiya, standing up. "If you two young ladies will accompany me."

"ACK ICK!" said Naruto, who'd gotten a good look of Jiraiya sans towel.

"I'll leave you to get acquainted with your three," said Jiraiya. "I'm counting on you three to keep an eye on your Ashikabi here. Remember the cover stories?"

"Childhood friend," said Katsuragi. "I've been on a training journey in taijutsu styles in a foreign land since I was five."

"Right," said Jiraiya, turning to the next in line.

"Recently acquired friend who is a scholar studying medical techniques," said Nina.

"Good," said Jiraiya, nodding and indicating the last girl.

"I am supposed to be a friend training in kenjutsu with a wandering master, who is you," said Ikki. "You're really a swordmaster?"

"Depends on who you compare me to," admitted Jiraiya. "There are people who are a lot better with the sword, but if anyone challenges me I've got a few surprises to unleash."

"Right," said Ikki, a little uncertainly.

"Naruto?" asked Jiraiya.

Naruto sighed. "I'm to be a student studying fuuinjutsu."

"Good," said Jiraiya. "Don't wait up now."

* * *

Morning had finally come, and Naruto really didn't expect to see Jiraiya before noon.

"Ah, good, early enough to get some training in," said Jiraiya from his position in the yard.

"Eh?" asked Naruto. "Pervy-sage?!"

"Oh, yessss," said Kazehana.

"I do NOT need those images," said Naruto, beating on his head as if that would clear them out.

"In any case," said Jiraiya, "I ran into an old... associate. He'll be joining us for a bit of our journey."

"Another old man?" asked Naruto. "Ain't that gonna slow us down?"

"No, he's a roaming-nin, no affiliation with any village," said Jiraiya. "Hates the whole system in fact, and is well known for that. However, he's also one of my contacts."

"What does that mean?" asked Naruto.

"It means that he's one of those who gathers information for me that I pass on to Konoha," said Jiraiya. "In return for that, I put his name in as one who doesn't get hunted down as missing-nin or something similar. He can operate in the Land of Fire as long as he doesn't turn to banditry or something. He also doesn't get hunted down for his bloodline ability - so outside of current company don't mention it."

"'Bloodline'?" asked Naruto. "Oh, you mean like Sasuke's Sharingan?"

"Right, something like that," said Jiraiya.

"Like a Sekirei's abilities?" asked Kazehana, sounding curious.

"Right, something like that," repeated Jiraiya. "In some areas of the world, that's practically a death sentence. Other areas, like in our home of Konoha - it's considered to be a plus more often than not."

"I see," said Nina, glancing around. "This contact of yours is here?"

"Yeah, Luke's a bit odd, but that's to be expected considering how he arrived here," said Jiraiya. "He was summoned accidently from the Overworld."

"'Overworld'?" asked Nina.

"Most fuuinjutsu experts are familiar with the idea of multiple worlds, I mentioned that already," said Jiraiya, stopping briefly to sip at his tea. "Occasionally something goes wrong. Sometimes dreadfully wrong. Sometimes just wrong. My associate, Luke, was one such. When I ran across him, he was being pulled from an experimental site and being hustled towards Kumogakure where he most likely would have spent a very unpleasant time having his bloodline extracted and experimented on."

"So he owes you," noted Ikki.

"Yes, and for some reason he really didn't want to go to Konoha," said Jiraiya. He finished off his tea and set the cup down. "Taught him a few skills and let him work on them over the years. Guess it's been a five years or so, he's gotten a lot better."

"So has he got some really weird ability like Haku did?" asked Naruto. On getting many blank looks, he elaborated. "Haku could do a lot of neat things with ice."

Akitsu perked up slightly.

"Ice release? Yeah, that's another kekkei genkai," said Jiraiya. "And no. He's got a potent ability, but it's not completely under his control at least last I saw. It's the ability to negate or dissipate chakra constructs by touching them. So he's completely covered most of the time, and Naruto you are to stay away from him. We'll be just travelling with him as far as the border - otherwise I wouldn't risk having your seal coming anywhere near Luke."

* * *

And Luke, in case anyone wondered, is one of those "Another Author Insert" where you're basing a character on someone else. Since i don't have permission, i'm not releasing the last name. Though it would have been interesting to see it.


	26. Chapter 26: Rule 63 (incomplete)

**Another Fistful Of Omake**

by Greylle

DISCLAIMER: Original series belong to someone else.  
NOTE: This idea was one that came about because of some comments about pairings and got me thinking about some of the more screwed-up (In My Opinion at least) pairings and what could cause them. When i combined it with the idea of having Orochimaru's plans not only go astray but into FUBAR territory, it seemed a natural.

There are no plans to continue this, it was just an amusing idea to take the canon and shoot it off in a completely divergent trajectory.

Omake 26: Rule 63

* * *

_the past:_

"So you've found me," said Orochimaru. "Kukukukukuku kaka-chu! I am the walrus!"

"What - what have you done?!" asked Hiruzen Sarutobi, flanked by four members of ANBU. Also deciding not to ask what a walrus was.

"I discovered a fuuinjutsu and ninjutsu combination," said Orochimaru. "Unfortunately, it only seems able to transform victims into comely young girls. It only works once per individual. It has side effects. Unfortunately, as it was a VERY promising beginning. But it's also a dead end, alas."

"How is THIS promising?" asked the Third Hokage, his gesture indicating the labs.

"The jutsu I developed transforms the victim," said Orochimaru. "The end result is always female, fairly attractive if you like that sort, and young. A jutsu that leaves one young and completely healthy? Even one as short-sighted as you can see the promise of such a thing. Unfortunately, it only works once on a given subject. Truly a jutsu that promises more than it delivers."

"And did any of these actually WANT your changes?" asked the Hokage.

"Does an artist ask permission of the canvas?" countered Orochimaru. "If I could unlock the useless parts of the jutsu - think of it! Eternal youth would be within my grasp!"

"At what cost?" asked the Hokage.

"Hmph, narrow-minded as always," said Orochimaru, making a handsign and vanishing.

As the Hokage and his ANBU ran out into the street from the hidden base, they could hear Orochimaru's voice echoing in the distance. "I'll show you! I'll show you all!"

"This does not bode well," said one of the ANBU.

* * *

_Konohagakure, six years before Naruto's graduation:_  
Hiruzen Sarutobi, Third Hokage, rubbed his forehead as if he had a humongous headache. That it kept him from staring at certain aspects of this situation was actually a very good reason to feign a worse headache than he actually had.

"-so when he was cornered he used that jutsu, after which the pursuers spent a fair amount of time trying to break what they thought was a genjutsu."

"I see," said Hiruzen Sarutobi. "Doctor Hanafuda?"

The Doctor stepped forward, her ill-fitting clothes a bit rumpled, and adjusted her glasses as she tried to get past certain things about current events that were hitting her personally. "Orochimaru's description of the jutsu seems to be accurate. It is a massive transformation that can only be resisted if one has more chakra than the caster or if one is prepared for it. This 'Rule 63 Jutsu' turns the victim into a young female version of themselves. It apparently does not require the victim to be human, as that snakey bastard..."

The Hokage waited for Doctor Hanafuda to get control of herself, as he'd seen sufficient evidence that every victim of the jutsu had emotional stability issues. As well as new personality traits that could be considered alarming to more than a few of them.

"Pardon sir," said Doctor Hanafuda. "In any case - a cat was hit, apparently by accident, and was transformed into a female human with cat-ears and a tail. After that, it appears he deliberately escaped in the direction of the Inuzuka compound until chased off."

"Yes, and from there he also went by the Aburame compound and decided to have some revenge against the Konoha Police Headquarters," said the Hokage. "I've already gotten that much, from you I'm wanting the details of your physical examinations."

"Ah," said Doctor Hanafuda, once again taking a deep breath to settle herself. "All the victims are their original age if younger, but are otherwise between the ages of nine and sixteen. All victims end up female and human, mostly human if they didn't start out that way, and have similar side effects."

"What kind of side-effects?" asked the Hokage. Orochimaru seemed to find it amusing to continue this jutsu, perhaps because it demonstrated he could get in and out of the village and tweak his old sensei's nose whenever he wished. Or was he just continuing to experiment with the jutsu in order to find ways around its limitation? Either way, he was going to have to find a way to beef up the security.

Then the doctor's words registered and he had to ask for clarification of that part.

* * *

"So here you go," said Itachi to her younger sister.

"Dolls?" asked the sniffling Satsuki.

"Yes," said Itachi, patting her little sister on the head. "Then when I'm out on missions - you'll have the Itachi doll and I'll have the Satsuki doll. When we're together, they can be together then too."

* * *

Mikoto Uchiha lugged out the stepstool in order to properly reach the stove. Being six years old was going to be troublesome.

"This cinches it," said the other young woman in the kitchen. "Clearly Sarutobi's gotten too soft and too dedicated to peaceful solutions. We must follow Madara's advice and overthrow him."

"Dear," said Mikoto as she stirred the contents of a pot. "You do realize that you're now a fourteen year old girl? And that this might not be the best of times to stage a coup?"

"Actually, it's perfect," said Fugaku. "Nobody will expect it, and things are confused."

"Yes, but so are the members of the clan who were hit," pointed out Mikoto. She wouldn't mention the severe youth thing right now. Handle one thing at a time.

* * *

"Sasuke is so cool!" said Sakura. "I'll bet his career choice is gonna be cool too!"

"Yeah, you said it!" said Ino. "I'll bet he'll put down something really cool!"

"I wanna be a bride!" said Satsuki from her place in the classroom.

"..." went the two girls as they looked at each other.

"Uhm, yeah," said Ino. "Uhm, right."

"Yeah," said Sakura. "Why is Sasuke still here when this is girls-only for this period?"

* * *

_Three years later:_

Hiruzen Sarutobi, Third Hokage, walked through his village.

Things were a bit different now, in the wake of Orochimaru's latest attempt to get something useful out of his "Rule 63 No Jutsu" or tweak it to remove side effects.

Which had resulted in the Uchiha attempting their coup, but things had gotten a bit off the track they'd originally been set on.

Had things gone as he'd expected them to, the Uchiha might have ended up slaughtered. As it was, their attempted coup got sidetracked and a large number of Uchiha either switched sides or dropped out before the attempt was made. There had been a number of deaths, but Itachi hadn't had to do the majority of it and it was now the Uchiha Civil War instead of the Uchiha Coup due to various factors.

Mikoto Uchiha, for example, was alive. She'd had to fight and kill her husband during the whole thing as her husband (despite Fugaku having been turned into a fourteen year old girl) tried to kill Itachi for HER betrayal of their cause. That his/her wife had been six years old at the time and still faster and stronger had been a major surprise to the clan head.

Itachi had killed many during the Civil War, but not all.

Satsuki Uchiha swore that she would always wear black in order to mark the loss of clan that occurred that day.

The Hokage nodded at the young girls stationed around police headquarters, who saluted back. He continued on, apparently lost in thought.

There went Naruto Uzumaki, running as if his life depended on it. There went a shopkeeper in pursuit.

Odd, the young boy had been a prankster and acted like an idiot, but he'd begun to do better of late. Possibly because he was one of the few boys his age currently attending the Academy and was getting some attention because of that?

So why was he running like that?

* * *

Something had changed in the years since they'd first met. He'd just been a pawn of ROOT back then. Mostly directionless in the wake of that betrayal.

Orochimaru had appealed to his own cruel nature, his pride in his skills, and his curiosity.

However, Kabuto had realized that everyone he'd ever met who was above the level of chunin was bat-crazy in one manner or another.

Maito Gai went on about the "power of youth" or some such drivel. Kakashi Hatake was a pervert and slacker. Kurenai Yuhi was an expert in psychology but had been known to indulge in drinking bouts that had to have damaged her liver considerably.

If Orochimaru had just been a driven power-seeker and vengeance oriented sort, it would have been better. He might never have gotten involved with that particular jutsu.

That "Rule 63 Jutsu" was a failure. It had been promising but any attempt to shift it to a more desirable result ended up with it failing.

Unfortunately, every time Orochimaru reached a dead-end in whatever plan or plot or research he was performing - he ended up coming back to experiment with that jutsu.

"Eureka!" said Orochimaru in his lab.

"What is it?" asked Kabuto, managing to sound put-upon and exasperated in that simple question.

"A term used in ancient times to indicate a breakthrough or potentially useful result," said Orochimaru.

"Ooookay," said Kabuto. "What exactly did you do this time?"

"That jutsu you consider so useless, can now do this," said Orochimaru, handing over a clipboard and preparing to have his genius recognized by a doubter.

"Subject 327, Kin Tsuchi," noted Kabuto . "Minor talent with genjutsu, slightly above average accuracy with senbon. Fairly average kunoichi. I would have recommended disposing of her in some suitably useful but painful manner."

Kin's ears went flat back against her skull as she considered letting Kabuto know that she could hear them.

"Yes, agreed," said Orochimaru. "Really, a useless waste of flesh."

Kin's ears were already flat, now her tail drooped.

"Oh, you modified That Jutsu," noted Kabuto, looking from the clipboard to the naked kunoichi in the gel-filled tube and back. "Interesting. Are you going to breed her?"

Kin twitched.

"Doubtful, there are far more talented ones to experiment with in that regard," said Orochimaru. "Behold though, the beginning of a new era! I can alter children to this new 'catgirl' model and have a set of warriors with the ferocity and cunning of cats with an attention span of a human!"

"Just as long as it isn't the other way around," noted Kabuto. "If your warriors had an attention span of a housecat, you'd never manage much of anything with them."

"Well, we'll see I suppose," said Orochimaru thoughtfully. "I'll have to thoroughly test this model though. See what I need to tweak in the next batch."

* * *

_One year before Naruto's Academy graduation:_

Hiruzen Sarutobi was amused.

There went Naruto Uzumaki, former prankster and current dead last of his class at the Academy. Naruto hadn't been pranking much of anyone of late, mainly because the majority of people who might have shunned or hated him had an entirely different target for their enmity.

There were enough people affected by Orochimaru's jutsu, especially since the mass version which had been left on a booby-trapped scroll a few years back, that practically everyone in the village knew someone who had been affected.

The result was that Naruto might not particularly be loved, in that there were still a number of people who confused the container with the contained, but the Kyubi was something of the past. Orochimaru was a continuing concern.

Naruto himself had been hit with the jutsu at one point, and had screamed and fainted. Yet it had obviously been a misfire as the boy was still a boy. That part wasn't public knowledge though. At least not yet.

There was a shopkeeper in pursuit of Naruto. Looked like Miraku the clothier?

Then there were a bunch of girls from the Uchiha survivors. Whatever had caused them to become so upset?

"Cat?" asked the Hokage.

An ANBU dropped down. "Hokage-sama?"

"What's going on?" asked the Hokage, inclining his head towards the now-distant procession.

"Mikoto Uchiha, functional head of the surviving Uchiha clan..." Cat's voice trailed off briefly. "Well. Apparently she has a crush on Uzumaki and confessed it recently."

"To Naruto?" asked the Hokage, raising an eyebrow at that. Mikoto was biologically nine wasn't she? So why...

"No, to her sons... daughters. You'll notice Itachi and Satsuki in the pack behind young Uzumaki."

The Hokage was silent for a few minutes. "I don't get it."

"The two have enough trouble with the idea that both of them are now older than their mother," said Cat. "The idea of her expressing some interest in Uzumaki has left them wanting to impress upon him that taking advantage of that interest would be unwise."

"He's eleven," pointed out the Hokage.

"I believe that they and most of the clan consider this to a preventative measure," said Cat.

"Ah," said the Hokage, nodding. "That makes a bit more sense."

Mikoto Uchiha, age nine, charged around the corner and began pursuit of the mob.

"Hmmm?" asked the Hokage.

"From what I understand, she is less than pleased with their conclusion and their actions and wishes to reprimand her two sons... I mean daughters." Cat shrugged.

The Hokage watched the group via the location of the dust cloud in the distance now. "I seem to remember that the Hokage must try not to meddle in clan business. Just make sure someone is available to rescue Naruto in the event that such should be necessary."

"Of course, sir," said Cat, vanishing in a swirl of leaves.

"If only I could get Jiraiya or Tsunade back, hand off the damn hat to them," mused the Hokage aloud. "I should be sitting along the banks of the river, my old fishing pole in my hand, and not having to deal with this."

Nobody answered, even though there were three ANBU concealed nearby.

"Ah well," said the Hokage. "Hmmm. Jackal? Arrange for young Naruto to learn the Shadow Clone technique."

This was shocking enough that one of the ANBU lost concealment. "But that's..."

"I think his chakra reserves will handle it, and he needs something to help him survive until graduation," mused the Hokage aloud.

* * *

Sasori frowned as she considered the scroll.

"You're not going to open that, are you?" asked Deidara.

"I was considering it," admitted Sasori.

"You remember what happened the last time," said Deidara. "I hadn't joined at that point, but I heard about it from Kisame."

"I had thought it would be safe to open it from a distance using puppets," admitted Sasori.

"Which is why you're a doll, yeah," pointed out Deidara.

"I'm inhabiting a puppet, it's just that my puppet body became female and so too did most of my puppets at the time, plus Kisame." Sasori frowned at the scroll, teeth worrying her lower lip for a moment.

"And Orochimaru escaped, yeah, just ahead of Kisame," said Deidara. "What did he look like when he was a he, since she's kinda fishy?"

"He was always a bit fishy," said Sasori absently, settling her long blonde hair behind her and smoothing petticoats. Really, this was just comfortable and she'd found the "creepy dolls" motif to be one that particularly unsettled victims - and so was running with it as opposed to just switching to a male puppet configuration.

"Yeah, well, I think I'll find somewhere else to be if you open that," said Deidara. "Yeah. Elsewhere."

Sasori smiled as Deidara fled. It appeared that this scroll delivered by messenger hawk had the ability to shut Deidara up and make him head for shelter. That, by itself, had some appeal.

Though Kisame would be also quite agitated at the thought of Orochimaru sending anything their way. She would want to try and figure a way of tracking down Orochimaru's hidden location from the bird, as unlikely as it was that Orochimaru would leave anything so obvious to lead back to him.

Still, that left the question of what this particular scroll did. The only clue he had was that it had a "13/100" on one corner of the outside.

Still, no need to look closer at it right now when it had such a useful feature as "make Deidara run away" just from playing around with it.

* * *

The Raikage glared around the room. "Report!"

A girl of about six saluted. "A messenger hawk arrived from Grass carrying a scroll, it appeared to be just a coded message - but when the scroll was unfurled more than halfway - it set off an area effect jutsu."

"Are those... cat ears? Is that a tail?" asked the Raikage A. "Those are real?"

"Ah, yes sir!" said the hapless girl.

The Raikage's rage was obvious on his face, but his voice was quite controlled and even. "So that is why it appears that four genin teams here to collect missions, plus eight members of the cryptology section, plus the three chunin in charge of the messenger hawks are all catgirls?"

"Yes, Raikage-sama."

"The winged ones?" asked the Raikage, pointing to a set of very confused-looking catgirls whose arms were wings.

"Messenger hawks caught in the effect," said the girl.

The Raikage bit back some of the anger. Hardened shinobi under his service who had been ready to die for him and the village at a moment's notice were clearly unnerved and having trouble dealing with what HAD happened to them. "This is that jutsu we've heard about. The one that Orochimaru has been developing. We understand that Konoha has put out a bounty on that snake. Get a high-level team together for a little bounty-hunting."

* * *

"Temari?"

"Yes, Kan... Kankuro-chan?" asked Temari.

Kankuro twitched. "You did know you've got a tail and ears now, right?"

"So do you," said Temari, her tail lashing back and forth behind her.

"Yeah, well," said Kankuro. "Did you notice Gaara didn't change?"

"Shut up," said Gaara.

"I didn't mean anything!" quickly put in Kankuro.

"Not you," said Gaara. "Mother seems to be going into hysterics for some reason."

* * *

"You know," said the jonin, her Kiri headband drooping down over one eye. "This was a lot more amusing when it happened to those wannabe-ninjas over in Leaf."

"Yeah," said another jonin.

"You know how we've been ignoring the bounty they put on this Orochimaru guy, saying he's a Leaf problem and beneath our notice?" asked a nearby chunin.

There was silence for a few minutes as the Kiri ninja considered that.

"Time for a policy change," said the jonin, her tail switching back and forth behind her. "Still, the guy's an S-Class. We can't go into that kind of fight without better prep."

* * *

"I didn't write this," said Orochimaru.

"But it said here to send them out to various villages for experimentation," said the understandably terrified subordinate. "And it's signed!"

"So I see, but that's not my signature," noted Orochimaru. "It's a clear forgery."

"You know, this is why the whole 'do not question my orders or you will die slowly and painfully' policy sometimes doesn't work out," pointed out Kabuto. "You did something like this once before, so naturally nobody questioned you doing it again."

"Well," said Orochimaru. "It's not like I can't use the data I'll get from it anyway. If it works out, I'll use it to make elite versions under my control."

* * *

_Six months before Naruto's graduation:_

_Land of Iron:_

The Raikage scowled as he looked around the table. "How does Konohagakure plan to deal with this pest?"

"First," said Hiruzen Sarutobi. "We shall share all information and leads with all villages. Second - we shall assist whenever possible in the hunt for Orochimaru, his bases, agents, and allies."

"So you plan on ducking the blame on this?" asked Ay, sneering at the old man.

"Not at all," said Hiruzen Sarutobi, apparently dismissing any threat from the Raikage as inconsequential. "We suggested this Kage Summit and arranged for it to be held in the neutral Land Of Iron."

"Only three Kage showed up," noted Onoki. "Me, Ay, and you - Sarutobi. Baki there is a representitive of Suna. No offense, but a 'Three Kage and a Stand-In Conference' really doesn't say a whole lot about the seriousness of the situation."

"Was the Kazekage caught in one of the attacks?" asked Ay.

"I can neither confirm or deny that," said Baki. "Know, however, that I act with the full authority of the Kazekage in this regard."

"Ah," said Hiruzen Sarutobi, thinking that sounded more or less like a 'yes' to him.

"Well, we've all gotten hit by your rogue-nin's attacks," said Onoki. "I was inclined to dismiss them as merely annoying until recently. Why catgirls anyway?"

"My people believe he's working his way up to snake-girls," said Hiruzen Sarutobi.

"Yes, that would make a lot more sense considering what we know of him," admitted Onoki.

"These 'catgirls' have slightly greater strength, exceptional hearing and their ability to determine where a sound is coming from is also exceptional," said Hiruzen Sarutobi. "It is their speed, flexibility, and agility that are the most boosted as far as their pre-transformation values are concerned. My medical staff has prepared a report if you care to peruse it."

"No need," rumbled Ay. "My own medical corps has already studied this change."

"I'll take it anyway, just to compare notes," said Onoki.

"As will I, just in case we caught something you missed - we can then inform you," said Baki.

"Oh, I like that," said Onoki. "Good reply."

"Thank you," said Baki with a nod.

"What of you, Sarutobi?" asked Onoki. "How badly was your own village hit by this?"

"A fair number of Academy students were hit by the first few efforts, as well as genin - those are now mostly chunin, a few chunin who are still chunin but a couple have been busted back to genin." Hiruzen Sarutobi shrugged slightly. "It is complicated."

Onoki twiddled his moustache in thought. _So roughly half of his shinobi force? A village hidden among the kunoichi?_

"This 'catgirl' transformation seems capable of overwriting the earlier version," said the Raikage. "Troublesome."

"Quite," agreed the Hokage. "Fortunately, the de-aging part mostly does not kick in the second time."

"'Mostly'," noted Onoki. "So it does sometimes?"

"Yes, well, there seem to be a number of random factors involved," admitted Sarutobi. "It's being researched."

* * *

Hiruzen Sarutobi was NOT ready for this so soon after his return from the Land of Iron, but let them in anyway. After letting them stew for a few minutes, without opening his eyes, the Hokage just gave them the simplest answer. "Operation: Snake Hunt is a 'go.'"

When that just drew a bunch of muttered questions, he reluctantly stirred himself a bit more. He really hadn't expected that to be sufficient. "Iwa, Kumo, and Suna have agreed to pool resources for this purpose. This is to be considered an ongoing mission, B-Rank, with the various villages putting aside our differences for the purpose of stopping Orochimaru."

"An independent fund?" asked Danzo, sounding heavily disapproving of the idea.

"Yes," said the Third Hokage. "Suna has the least budget for anything at all, so will be the least involved. Kumo has the budget, but I suspect they'll be maintaining a seperate investigation with better information. I also suspect they're trying to duplicate or unravel the methods that Orochimaru used here."

"To be expected," noted Homura.

As Homura Mitokado had been one of those hit by an earlier attack, there was a tendency to stare at the petite glasses-wearing girl. Her response of late was to wear an outfit that completely enshrouded her.

"Isn't that kind of hot and stifling?" asked Hiruzen softly.

"Better than being ogled," grumped the mostly-concealed girl.

"Nobody's 'ogling' you," grumped Danzo.

"YOU were," grumped back Homura.

"I don't see what the problem is," said Koharu Utatane, checking herself in a hand-mirror.

"Other than you constantly preening in the mirror?" asked Danzo, shuddering for some reason.

Both Koharu and Homura guessed that reason being something to do with ROOT, which also mostly had been hit with Orochimaru's jutsu.

"There has been no word from Kiri or the Mizukage," said the Third Hokage, deciding not to dwell on the unspoken subtext going on. Mainly because he was tired and didn't want to deal with opening any more boxes of trouble at present. "Amegakure is silent on this matter, as is Getsugakure. A runner from Takigakure pledges their support but they are at least as limited as Suna."

"I'm sure all the minor villages will be more than happy to share information that comes to them within their own borders," noted Homura thoughtfully from somewhere inside her robes. "It's not as if they can actually field any forces to speak of."

"What of Kusagakure?" asked Danzo.

"Sent a messenger hawk stating that they were dealing with the problem themselves and wanted to be independent of outside involvement," said Hiruzen. "Ay interpreted that as Kusa being paranoid about certain other villages trying to use this to infiltrate them."

"Kusa? Who'd bother?" asked Koharu.

"I'm more worried by these rumors out of Kiri myself," said Danzo.

"What rumors?" asked Hiruzen, forcing himself to be more alert. Having to travel like he had wasn't pleasant for people who should be retired after all.

* * *

_Two months prior to the Land of Iron conference:_

"When are we going to do something about this?!" demanded Zabuza, slamming a hand against a wall.

"Not wearing a bra yet, I see," said Yagura calmly.

"Argh." Zabuza Momochi visibly tried to get control of herself. "When are we going to devote resources to dealing with that snake?"

"It's Konohagakure's problem, let them deal with it," said Yagura, not even looking at the swordwielder. "It's not as big a problem as these bloodlines and the unrest."

"Not a big problem?!" asked Zabuza.

"All references to your bust size aside," said Yagura, still not looking up from his paperwork, "is this some feminine problem? That 'time of month' or something? Because I really don't have time for petty gripes."

"It is NOT that time of month and this is not petty!" declared Zabuza. "This is an assault on our village. Half our chunin are now kunoichi!"

Yagura made a half-dismissive noise.

"And then there are these two other effects," noted Zabuza. "Catgirls? What's next - bunnygirls?"

"Hmmm," hmmmed Yagura. "Enhanced hearing and speed. That could be handy. Is that all? Because I'm quite busy here. You only got in because there was a chance you had some valid problem."

"This IS a valid problem!" said Zabuza.

"Don't get your panties all twisted up and in an uproar," began Yagura.

"ARGH!" said Zabuza, ready to draw and attack.

At which point she found a jet of water slamming her through two walls and into the street outside.

"The repairs will come out of your mission pay," called out Yagura. "Now have a nice cold soak and get over it."

* * *

_Four months before Naruto's graduation from the Academy:_

Kabuto felt like he should make some gesture here. "Exactly what is this?"

"Doctor Hosenfeffer is an expert on geneology and the long-term effects of genetic manipulation," said Orochimaru, indicating the man literally chained to his desk. A shackle on one leg led directly to a ring on the desk.

Kabuto blinked. Lately some of Orochimaru's ideas had been sounding a bit insane. Was this another one? Did he dare ask? Finally he decided to chance it. "So what is he researching?"

"Jinchuriki and the effects on their chakra structure, particularly regarding the effects on descendents of such," said Orochimaru. "It's a bit more long-term than is typical of me, I realize that. Still, fascinating work."

"So, pure research?" asked Kabuto.

"Once it is determined what the corollation is, we can have an idea what would happen if Ninja A and Kunoichi B got together and had a bunch of rugrats together," said Orochimaru. "I'll let him escape after a suitable amount of time. It should cause quite an upheaval in old Konoha."

"More than the current things?" asked Kabuto drily.

"Did you know that several kekkei genkai resulted directly from the progeny of a jinchuriki?" asked Orochimaru. "That such enhancements of a bloodline, as well as the start of a entirely new bloodline, could result from the enriched chakra flow and its effect on the genetic structure?"

"Uhm, no," admitted Kabuto. "It does?"

"Oh yes," said Orochimaru. "It should be amusing to watch this in Kumo or Konoha, both of which hold kekkei genkai to be quite valuable."

"It still doesn't provide any tangible short-term benefit," noted Kabuto.

"Ah," said Orochimaru. "Well, I was curious."

* * *

Most of those changed in Konoha had been changed YEARS ago, when they were still very young children. This was because when a scroll or tag or other similar thing was lying out in plain sight - it was avoided like it might explode or something.

Because they did, in a manner of speaking.

Nonetheless there were those who HAD been affected.

However, there were other forces at work that could influence certain events.

**Karma** n.  
1. the force generated by a person's actions held in Hinduism and Buddhism to perpetuate transmigration and in its ethical consequences to determine the nature of the person's next existence.  
2. the actions of the past having a spiritual effect on the present.

"AIEEEEEEE!"

"Calm down, Mizuki," said Iruka Umino.

"AHHHHHHHH!"

"It's okay, there's no way you could have known that a suspicious looking scroll hidden away in the teacher's lounge would turn out to be one of Orochimaru's trapped scrolls," said Iruka despite that he thought ANYONE should have been suspicious of it.

"WAHHHHHHHH!"

"And there's actually a pretty good support group," said Iruka. "It's happened enough now that they can help you come to terms with the whole thing."

"AGHHHHHHHH!"

"And the fox ears and tail really aren't all that bad," tried Iruka. "Though your hair turning red and those... well, most of those affected have had major wardrobe changes made necessary."

"WAHHHHHHHHH!"

"And I'm told the mood swings stabilize a bit after the first month."

* * *

_One month prior to graduation:_

Naruto ducked behind the dumpster, listening carefully.

"Troublesome," said Shikamaru.

"Oh, I don't know, some of them aren't that bad," said Choji as he munched on a chip.

"I agree with Shikamaru," said Naruto. Lately he'd been less and less shunned by everyone. In fact, many of the girls were now openly talking to him. He didn't understand this at all, but then again he had other things to think about.

"Graduation is in another month," said Shikamaru. "So being pursued by a bunch of girls is decidedly troublesome. My mother wants me to try getting a girlfriend, says it's never too early to start."

Choji nodded. "My mother said the same thing. Weird."

"Most likely they're anticipating that at some point we get hit with that weird jutsu and turn into girls, therefore can't father children and continue the clan line." Shikamaru sighed. "We're TWELVE. It's way too early for such a bothersome thing."

"If we don't graduate, they might make us marry?" asked Choji, considering that.

"I don't think our graduation status would necessarily cause that, or that our success in graduating would preclude it," said Shikamaru. He frowned before continuing. "Though I could certainly see that happening."

"So, maybe we should choose a girl, and then the rest would back off?" asked Choji.

"Possible," admitted Shikamaru. "Though unlikely."

"We need to find a better hiding spot," said Naruto. "The smells here are getting pretty ripe."

* * *

"Okay, we'll put that one down as 'qualified success' I think," mused Orochimaru aloud.

Kabuto twitched. He couldn't help it really. Seemed to be happening a lot lately. "The experimental subject burst out of the tube."

"Yes, the strength enhancement seemed to be a little too successful," noted Orochimaru.

"The subject then knocked holes in eight walls, making a straight line out of the complex entirely," noted Kabuto.

"Nice stamina and tenacity, but really - couldn't she use a door? There was one right there after all," indicated Orochimaru.

Kabuto frowned slightly and checked a clipboard. "Subject C-232. Attempt to influence transformation matrix by introducing ratel essence. What's a 'ratel'?"

"Honey badger," answered Orochimaru as a piece of ceiling came down in the newly bulldozed accessway.

"Well, that's your problem then," said Kabuto. "Everyone knows honey badgers don't care."

Orochimaru cocked his head to the side as he considered that.

_**BOOM!**_

"Should I ask?" asked Kabuto.

"Next page," offered Orochimaru.

"Subject C-233?" asked Kabuto as he flipped the page. "Same experiment I see, using a different animal... is this right?"

_**BOOM!**_

"I was curious," said Orochimaru.

_**BOOM!**_

Kabuto put the clipboard back and considered running if he were ever to meet this 'Nanoha Takamichi' after she'd finished escaping.

_**BOOM!**_

"Perhaps we should go to the next experimental hidden lab complex?" suggested Kabuto.

"Yes, that might be a good idea," admitted Orochimaru.

* * *

_Exam day:_

_Ding ding dong dong, dong dong ding dong_

"Everyone in their seat," said Iruka, taking his customary spot at the front of the room. "Today is the graduation exam, to see which of you are ready to go on and become proper shinobi and kunoichi of the Leaf Village."

The class settled down, listening. Except for Ino and Sakura who were whispering back and forth.

_flick! WHACK!_

And thanks to a handy demonstration of his eraser-throwing skills, both girls had been reminded that class was in session and to knock off their usual talk. Really, it was nice that the two friends had mended things between them - but there was a time and place.

"The tests have been overhauled a bit from previous years," said Iruka. "You'll be tested in the three basic ninja skills: genjutsu, ninjutsu, and taijutsu. If you have a low score in one of those, you can make up for it with demonstrated skill in kenjutsu, infiltration, tracking, or fuuinjutsu. Failure in more than one category can't be made up. Failure in all three will cause you to be dropped from the Academy and you won't be a ninja either."

"That's harsh," said one of the girls in the front row.

"Right now we're dealing with a budget shortfall and some other difficulties," acknowledged Iruka. "Resources will likely be tight for at least a couple of years. We're not the only ninja village with a slashed budget."

There were a few mutters at that, but no questions were directed his way. Iruka waited a few seconds in case there WERE questions or objections, continuing on when the students remained silent. "The other teachers will be administering tests as we go. Genjutsu tests to begin with. Wait for your name to be called before proceeding to room 17."

* * *

Sakura Haruno was a little nervous as she went into Room 17.

A big gruff teacher she wasn't familiar with nodded at her as she entered.

Sakura paused, frowning. Something wasn't right, but what?

"How are you going to test us on genjutsu?" asked Sakura, deciding to go ahead and ask something that had been bothering her. "We haven't learned any genjutsu."

"Oh? You're saying you know nothing about genjutsu? That would be an automatic fail," said the chunin, tsking as he wrote something out on the papers in front of him.

"All we were taught was..." Sakura stopped as the thought fully penetrated. "All we were taught was the basic dispel and what to look for if we were caught in a genjutsu."

"Well? Are you ready for me to put you under?" asked the chunin.

"I'm already IN one," realized Sakura. "KAI!"

The open window vanished as if it had never been. Which it hadn't of course. Room 17 was located away from exterior walls. Sakura realized that she'd been so preoccupied with the test that she hadn't picked up on that.

The chunin nodded. "Pass. Proceed to room 19."

"Ah, yes sir," said Sakura, thinking a pass was a pass so her missing details couldn't give her a low score.

* * *

Satsuki Uchiha smirked. "A ninjutsu test? Me?"

"Yes, I know, forgone conclusion," agreed Mizuki, her tail swishing in agitation. "Humor me though. First, your henge."

Satsuki Uchiha's smirk didn't change as she shifted to become a duplicate of Mizuki.

"You even got the tail right," noted Mizuki. "A lot of people can't do the way the fur gleams in the light or they get the colors off."

"I've noticed the shampoo you use," said Satsuki. "It adds those glossy highlights. And the reddish-brown looks different in different lighting, so it's not surprising."

"I hate my life," said Mizuki, about to go on her accustomed tirade.

"Before you go into the details, can we finish my test?" asked Satsuki.

"Oh yeah. Kawarimi and then use bunshin," said Mizuki, who felt she really didn't get any respect. It was obviously the fault of these humongous boobs.

* * *

"Okay, Naruto?" asked Iruka. "You made it past the genjutsu and ninjutsu portions?"

"Uhm, why are you surprised?" asked Naruto.

"Well, I guess you have improved a lot lately," admitted Iruka. "So you're ready for your taijutsu test?"

"Who am I fighting?" asked Naruto, looking around. "You, Iruka-sensei?"

"No, I'm the referee," said Iruka. "Your opponent is another student testing at the same time."

"Uh oh," said Naruto. "So half the students are gonna fail this test? That sucks!"

"It's one of the reasons we went with the list of further tests you can use to make up for a loss here," admitted Iruka. "Okay, come in."

On seeing who it was, Naruto knew immediately that this was going to be even more a problem than he'd thought.

* * *

"What a pain," said Shikamaru, sitting on the edge of the roof.

"Literally," said Naruto.

"Man, I envy that healing rate you got," said Choji. "You were right, that Sakura hits pretty hard for someone so tiny."

"Yeah, I got Satsuki," said Naruto. "I don't know why she's always getting so mad at me."

"At least I got Tobiko," said Shikamaru, shaking his head. "She was entirely predictable and easily defeated."

"So you two won your fights?" asked Naruto.

"Yeah, I guess you didn't," said Choji to Naruto.

"Not so much." Naruto sniffed the air. "Someone's coming. Mizuki."

"Ah," said Shikamaru. "The make-up test. Which one are you going to try?"

"Uhm, infiltration I guess," said Naruto. "Ain't that mostly sneaking around?"

* * *

The Hokage knew what was going on with that 'Rule 63 Jutsu' that Orochimaru had developed in his quest for immortality.

Not for the first time, he wondered what the other 62 rules were and how he was going to deal with it if any of those other rules started making an appearance.

Most of the kunoichi graduating the Academy this year had been girls since they were very young, about the time that Orochimaru had first used that jutsu they'd been about two or three and he'd hit both the orphanage, a nursery, and most of the clan areas.

His reasoning wasn't hard to figure out. It had created a great amount of chaos at first, disruption of the status quo, and provided a major headache for most of the people who had denied him the chance at being Hokage.

Those who had grown up under the effects of the jutsu were indistinguishable from normal girls who had been born that way. They'd grown up as young kunoichi-to-be and that was as normal as anything in ninja life ever was. Those who were adult or past puberty tended to cope with the changes after going through several stages. Stunned disbelief, frequently followed by hysterics, often followed by depression and then denial. The first was over within a few days at most, the hysterics was usually something medical personnel were looking for and had experience in helping the transformee through. Denial wasn't simply denial of what had happened to them, as that was usually part of the disbelief and hysterics portion. No, the denial was that they were going to make ANY changes in their life or acknowledge what had happened to them. That period could last anywhere from a few weeks to a few years.

Most accepted the change, not enthusiastically by any stretch of the imagination, enough to make a few changes as time went on. A lot of them had major problems occur with their first period and dealing with THAT was always a headache for everyone involved. No, not pleasant for anyone even near one of the changed.

Because women were also affected, often becoming younger again and now most recently sometimes developing tails and ears they hadn't originally had, there was a lot to deal with. Support groups and therapies had developed.

So, upon seeing Naruto Uzumaki run into the Hokage Tower, open a small chest, crawl inside, and then close it - the Hokage knew very well that he had another headache on the way.

He'd recently taken to replacing the tobacco in his pipe with an herbal mix that smelled faintly of peppermint and seemed to soothe not only him but anyone breathing it in. One of the doctors had developed it after going through some of those female difficulties, and now it wasn't that uncommon to see jonin kunoichi puffing on a pipe of the stuff between missions. Hiruzen Sarutobi therefore flicked a finger with a Fire Release technique, lit his pipe, and took a deep drag before he went ahead and asked.

"Naruto? Why are you hiding in a foot locker in my tower?"

The lid opened just a tiny amount. "I failed a test. The makeup test Mizuki-sensei set me on was an escape skills test."

"I'm surprised you aren't doing better, but the question remains why are you hiding here?" asked the Third Hokage.

"Well, it's like this..." began the whispered voice from the chest.

* * *

_Flashback:_

"Uhm," began Naruto. "I was supposed to show up here for my make-up test?"

"Right," said Mizuki, resting her breasts on the podium. Because the nearly constant back-ache continued to remind her that however much she resented the fox-brat, it was Orochimaru responsible for the current problems. Never mind that she refused to wear a bra despite having these ridiculously large breasts - that was a line she'd sworn never to cross. She might be female physically but she would NEVER wear female undergarments and would hold onto her masculinity that way.

"So, uhm, why are all the girls here?" asked Naruto nervously.

"I asked them for a little help," said Mizuki. She might have some grudge against Orochimaru, but terrifying the fox brat was perfectly fine too. And if her research into the whole Uzumaki thing was right, and the bribes she'd gotten from certain individuals to be included in this test were largely undiscovered, this might just benefit the village and therefore screw with the guy who'd taken her manhood and sentenced her to a life with Gag Boobs.

"Oh, really?" asked Naruto.

"Yes," said Mizuki, holding up a kunai with an explosive tag. "I'm going to throw this up in the air. When the tag goes boom, everyone can start. You, Naruto, will have to remain free and escape being captured until dawn."

"I thought it was going to be an 'infiltration' test?" asked Naruto, looking at the crowd of girls and women. All of whom looked anxious for the signal.

Some were, some were just bored and looking for a diversion, others saw this as a challenge. Some were just a bit boy-crazy. Some had failed part of their graduation test and been assigned a Tracking or Capture Test as part of their make-up exam. Not all of this was obvious though.

"Part of an infiltration mission is escaping afterwards," pointed out Mizuki. "On the other hands, any of the girls that manage to catch you - can keep you."

"I didn't agree to that!" exclaimed a nervous Naruto.

"Did you agree to take the make-up test?" asked Mizuki as she threw the kunai up into the air.

"Oh crap," realized Naruto.

_BOOM!_

"Kage Bunshin No Jutsu!"

* * *

Hiruzen Sarutobi considered the chest in his tower briefly. "I had no idea Mizuki was that much of a sadist."

The chest lid opened slightly, a pair of blue eyes from within regarding the Hokage briefly.

"Well, that certainly explains why you're hiding in here," noted the Hokage.

* * *

"I got him!" said Mikoto Uchiha, using a net.

_POOF!_

"I got him!" yelled Sakura, using a mallet.

_POOF!_

"No, I got him!" declared Ino, racing through hand-signs and then sending her mind into the form.

_POFF!_

"I got him," whispered Hinata, brandishing a bowl of ramen.

"Odds are that's just another shadow clone," complained Hanabi as the Naruto stopped and stared at the bowl now sitting on the rooftop with a sign that read "Free Ramen."

"So?" asked Hinata.

"So... in the morning we show up with a shadow clone and claim to have caught him?" asked Hanabi. "Sneaky. But there's a lot of competition so I guess we have to be."

* * *

"Th-the real one is in the Hokage Tower," said Hinata.

"I got a plan," said Hanabi.

* * *

"Do you smell ramen?" asked the Hokage, sniffing the air.

A foot locker creaked open ever so slightly.

"You know it has to be a trap," noted the Hokage to no one in particular.

A stomach rumbling could be heard, echoed slightly from within the contents of a foot locker.

* * *

"I told you. Count on the Hyuga and that Byakugan."

"Ours is still a superior dojutsu."

* * *

"See, Sakura. What did I tell you?"

"Damn. When you're right, you're right."

"But what happens if he DOES get lured out? Won't that end up with everyone pouncing on him?"

"True, that part DID concern me. But now that I know he uses kage bunshin, we can plan accordingly."

* * *

"Are you sure about this, Anko?"

"Relax, Kurenai-chan. This plan is so simple, what could go wrong?"

"The fact that we're both currently genin in age just shows that things that I can't imagine going wrong, can indeed go wrong."

"Aw, you're just upset because the guy you were interested in is now five years older than you."

"..."

"And a girl."

"..."

"And has a bigger rack than you."

"Okay, if you're trying to cheer me up - this is entirely the wrong approach."

* * *

"Not that I would know where Naruto is," said the Hokage as a foot locker began inching its way towards the window, "but if he's put a pair of holes in the bottom of any piece of furniture in my tower - I will tie him up and throw him into the crowd of barely-hidden kunoichi waiting outside my tower."

There was a brief pause. "Uhm, no. Didn't do that."

"Ah. That would be good," said the Hokage.

* * *

"Eureka!"

"I'm really beginning to dislike hearing that particular phrase."

"You and the rest of the Elemental Countries," noted Orochimaru. "I templated out the Uzumaki longevity, nullified the animal section, and used some Hashirama cells. Look, it's 75% stable!"

"And the other 25%?" asked Kabuto, ready to use kawarimi and shunshin to get out of the potential blast zone.

"Well, that's a little more problematic," noted Orochimaru. "Still it's more stable than the previous ones. The bunnygirl thing was only 35% stable and look how well that one turned out."

"She's a blithering idiot with a tendency towards levels of clumsiness that have to be seen to be believed," noted Kabuto. "I'm really surprised you haven't dissolved her to genetic goo in order to better understand the process."

"This lair has never been cleaner, and she's an absolute wonder in the kitchen," admitted Orochimaru. "Both sets of tasks being handled by her means less time either of us have to allocate for such mundanities."

"I suppose," said Kabuto finally. It was true that the rabbit-eared woman was not only incompetent but horrendously incompetent at everything except those two fields - but she was astonishingly skilled at those two.

* * *

"Kage Bunshin No Jutsu!"

The chest burst open as a stream of Naruto leapt out, each going in a different direction.

The Hokage just shook his head sadly as a fair number of them were caught but not dispelled.

He'd have to have a word with the boy about being entirely too predictable.

Sure enough, at dawn, he was presented with a set of captured Naruto clones who had been kept from dispelling by the means of ramen bribes.

Really, he understood it. The graduating class from the Academy had three boys in it. Shikamaru Nara and Choji Akimichi had both managed to avoid every occasion where a Cursed Scroll had been opened or triggered. Naruto had not, but there were rumors that somehow being a jinchuriki protected one from the transformation effects.

"Jiraiya?" asked the Hokage a moment later. "What brings you back?"

"Word from some of my spies," said Jiraiya. "Things that I didn't want to trust even encoded to messenger bird. What's all this though?"

The Hokage considered how best to put it.

"The current graduating class has three males in it," said the Hokage. "That leaves seventeen kunoichi who want to register a potential boyfriend in any of the three."

Jiraiya was silent for a moment. "I knew things were screwed up. How bad is it?"

"Over 90% of the ninja of this village, and at least half of the civilian population, are women," said the Hokage.

"So why are sales of my books spiking in the village?" asked Jiraiya. "That demographic has never exceeded 30%."

"Oh, I suspect I know why," said the Hokage. "The details I'll give you later, when the both of us can share a bottle of fine sake. You're buying."

"Right, make it a D-Rank," said Jiraiya. "That way I can eventually get reimbursed."

"Done." Rank occasionally had its privilege.

"So what's your decision? They're obviously waiting for you to make some ruling." Jiraiya pointed at one group after another. "That's five Naruto. You know which one's the real one?"

Five senbon were briefly held in a hand, then vanished. Four Naruto vanished. One was briefly yelping at pain then was dogpiled and lost from sight.

"That one," said the Hokage simply.

"So your decision is?" asked Jiraiya.

"Is this going to show up in a book?" asked the Hokage.

"Maybe," drawled Jiraiya, extending the first syllable out.

"Hmph. Well, my decision is," began the Hokage.

-to be continued-


	27. Chapter 27: Pimp DADA Jiraiya (tbc?)

**Another Fistful Of Omake**

by Greylle

DISCLAIMER: Naruto from Kishimoto, the Potterverse from JK Rowling.  
NOTE: One of the ideas i came up with for redoing the Shippuden thing. This got written because of the title. Not sure how far it would go, but having Jiraiya showing his competent side (instead of his comic relief side) had some appeal.

Omake 27: Pimp DADA Jiraiya

* * *

The sphere evaporated, leaving two ninja suspended in mid-air. One was experienced enough to have a plan if that happened, and enough variety in his skills to do something about it.

_KA-THUD!_

The other, not so much.

"DAMN IT," said Naruto, rubbing his buttocks.

"That's why you got padding there anyway," said Jiraiya, leaping more carefully down from where he'd clung and then putting away the grappling hook he'd had in one hand but not gotten the chance to use.

"How did you have that on you anyway?" asked Naruto.

"Sealing scroll, I unsealed it just in case," said Jiraiya, putting the cord back into the sack, then sealing the sack back into a scroll.

"Why do you even have that?" asked Naruto.

"Because I'm a wandering writer," said Jiraiya, pointing at the scroll. "There are blank scrolls, ink, a telescope, notepad, and a dozen other useful supplies."

"For peeping no doubt," guessed Naruto.

"Well, that too," said Jiraiya with a shrug. "Now. What can we tell about where we've landed?"

"I dunno, you tell me," griped Naruto.

Jiraiya let out a pained sigh. "Okay, Naruto. Is this a training trip?"

"Well, yeah," admitted Naruto.

"Who is being trained on this trip?" asked Jiraiya.

"Me!" said Naruto, still not seeing it.

"So when I'm training a ninja and ask him a question which is meant to show off that trainee's observation skills?" asked Jiraiya.

Naruto blinked. "Oh."

"Yes, 'oh'," agreed Jiraiya.

"Well," said Naruto. "Dark room. Chairs. Desk. Uhm..."

Jiraiya checked a curtain, grunted, then moved the curtain aside to reveal the window and what lay beyond it.

"Whoa," said Naruto, looking out at green fields, a lake, misty mountains, and a landscape otherwise completely different from where he'd been just a short time ago.

Jiraiya was ready for it. Appearing out of nowhere in Konoha would bring ANBU. Standard protocol in such circumstance was to:  
a) Observe. Determine if there was an active threat and what power level was being displayed.  
b) Communicate. Using ANBU hand-signs or short-range communications, communicate findings to other arriving ANBU.  
c) Response. Respond to threat in kind, investigate further if intrusion is not behaving in a hostile manner.

Spies would therefore be observed before confronted. What were they spying on? Were there confederates? Was it a false alarm such as could be caused by someone forgetting an identification pass before passing through a detection seal?

Jiraiya's eyes flicked around the room, noting immediately when someone quietly slipped into place. Jiraiya was sure to meet the figure's eyes, nod slightly, then return to watching Naruto.

"Student. Your observational skills need work." Jiraiya shook his head as if filled with disappointment.

"Aw, c'mon Pervy-sage, it isn't like anyone knows we're here. Heck, WE don't know where we are."

"Sorry about this," said Jiraiya to the old man who'd slipped into the room.

"I take it-" began the old man.

"WAGH!" Naruto fell over.

Jiraiya sighed heavily, putting in a facepalm for good measure.

The old man managed to mostly suppress a smirk. "I take it that this is your student?"

"Yes, quite," said Jiraiya. "I wanted to check out your school here, but we appear to have missed the spot we were aiming for."

"Ah, well, Hogwarts is protected from attempts to just pop in for a visit," said the old man. "The school is, in fact, not open for students until tomorrow."

"All the better to observe before all the students get in," said Jiraiya, in full infiltration mode and therefore prepared to sling BS until the sky mooed.

"Oh?" asked the old man. "I'm sorry, I didn't get your names."

"Jiraiya, wandering author," said Jiraiya, bowing lightly to the obvious authority figure. So he'd guessed correctly from the bookshelves and diplomas on the wall - this was the office of someone in the Academic field. "This is my apprentice, Naruto Uzumaki."

"Odd names, but I get the feeling you've come very far away," said the old man. "I am Albus Dumbledore."

"Talk about odd names," grumbled Naruto.

"No floo travel, nor evidence of splinching," said Dumbledore. "Most curious."

"I've only engaged in this form of transport once before, and don't know all the details myself," admitted Jiraiya.

"Oh?" asked Albus Dumbledore, thinking about this and trying to discern how much BS was actually being slung.

There was a brief knock at the door.

"Ex-excuse me," said a timid-looking fellow as he stuck his head in the door.

"Professor Quirrell, I rather expected our Defense Against The Dark Arts instructor to be rather more prompt on responding to a potential trespasser," said Dumbledore.

"W-w-well, that is to say," began Quirinus Quirrell, fidgeting as he took out a wooden stick. "I - I really wasn't p-prepared for s-such."

"Interesting," said Jiraiya. "Might I ask which one is Quirrell?"

Quirinus Quirrel froze to such an extent that Albus almost wondered if a petrification spell had been used.

"I beg your pardon," said Albus Dumbledore. "What do you mean?"

Jiraiya paused, not wanting his full abilities to be known at this juncture. The hostility had just jumped at least two notches from the hidden individual. "There are two people there. Both have a bit of hostility, but one is much stronger than the other."

"R-r-r-ridiculous," offered Professor Quirrell.

Jiraiya looked over the individual in question, then shrugged. "I don't know what or why or how, but that presence reminds me way too much of someone I know and actively dislike."

Naruto, in the meantime, had gotten behind the Professor in question and reached out with one finger. "What's with the weird hat? I could swear I heard something hiss in there."

Quirrell whirled, brandishing his wand. "Crucio!"

Naruto dropped to one knee, a startled scream briefly coming from his throat as he was hit with more pain than he'd ever known before. Then it was gone.

"Do anything like that again," said Jiraiya, having backhanded the Professor into a wall, "and I will have to hurt you. BOTH of you."

The face on the back of Quirrell's head, revealed as the hat had tumbled off, mumbled something about a headache.

"Voldemort!" thundered Albus Dumbledore on seeing the face, his own wand switching targets as he reassigned active threat values. "How dare you infiltrate my school!"

"We've been here quite some time actually," said Voldemort, sneering despite the blood dripping from his mouth. "You cannot kill me. You cannot stop me!"

"Excuse me," said Jiraiya, putting a small vial on the ground. "Anyone mind if I try this?"

Eyeing the vial, Voldemort decided he didn't like the look of this. Time to separate from his failure of a host and try again. Fortunately the door was still slightly ajar and provided a ready means of escape. "I shall return, a thousand times more powerful, and you shall all die."

Jiraiya unfurled a small scroll with a snap of his wrist as the misty form expanded, cut one finger with a practiced gesture, and then raced through hand-seals.

"What are you doing?" asked Albus Dumbledore.

"Anti-demon SEAL!" said Jiraiya, answering by doing.

* * *

Severus Snape had been following Quirrell, responding to the same alarm and adding additional notes to his "why Quirrell would be best left to a different department than Defense Against The Dark Arts" file.

So he had been in position to overhear comments, but other than drawing his wand in case his assistance was required with the intruders - he had refrained from action.

When the odd green light had appeared, he had moved to the partially ajar door to observe.

A swirling green vortex had within it what LOOKED like a melting Voldemort and while he watched slammed the vaporous thing into what looked like one of those little bottles the Japanese used for that rice wine they were fond of.

The large fellow controlling the vortex slammed a cork down onto that bottle, took out a small piece of paper, and then scribbled something across that paper before wrapping the bottle in it.

"That should do it," said the large fellow.

"Excuse me, but what exactly was that, who are you, and what is going on?" asked Snape, the complete oddness of the situation causing him to temporarily lose his accustomed snarkiness.

"Ah, d-d-don't hurt me," said Quirrell, not realizing that practically everyone in the room had dismissed him of being any consequence at all.

"An associate of mine has a similar ability, and I had this idea of how to stop him if I ever encountered him when he was escaping one body and looking for another," said the large fellow, both his posture and tone indicating he was well pleased with himself.

"You had that ready for Orochimaru?" asked a yellow-haired boy wearing an outfit that was even more of an eyesore than the one adorning the large fellow.

"Yeah," said that large fellow with the pseudo-Japanese outfit, making a gesture. "I developed counters for a couple of his tricks."

Quirrell yelped as he stopped crawling for the door, an odd knife imbedded into one hand.

"Shut up and be still," advised the large one. "From what I put together on that body-thief technique, the victim has to either not resist or it burns their mind out. Since you're not drooling on yourself..."

"Indeed," said Albus. "You seem well versed in such things."

"When you fight monsters, you have to know something about how they operate," said the large fellow.

"'He who fights monsters should see to it that he himself does not become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an Abyss, the Abyss gazes also into you.'"

"Well put," said the large fellow, nodding.

"It's a quote. Friedrich Nietzsche," said Severus Snape. "So, did I see this correctly. Did you just seal the Dark Lord into a bottle of rice-wine?"

"If that was a 'Dark Lord' - then yes," said the large fellow.

There was a brief silence as everyone looked towards the little ceramic bottle sealed with paper.

"Is he able to get out again?" asked Severus, raising an eyebrow.

"Not unless someone lets him out," said the large fellow.

"I see," said Severus, putting his wand away then steepling his fingers as he considered that. "Well, Albus. I'm glad to see you're taking my recommendations for a new Defense Against the Dark Arts instructor seriously. While I remain deeply disappointed that I was not your immediate choice, this one at least seems... credible in his abilities."

"Jiraiya of the Leaf," said the large fellow, giving a slight bow of the head.

"Severus Snape, Potions Instructor," said Severus, giving a like inclination of the head. Japanese, as he recalled, were very big on such little gestures of politeness. Though neither looked particularly Japanese as far as physical appearances - certain elements of clothing and their backpacks seemed to suggest a Japanese or at least Oriental background.

"Hmmm, this is a most interesting development," admitted Albus Dumbledore, his eyes focused entirely on the wrapped bottle on the floor.

* * *

"Why do I have to go to school?" grumbled Naruto.

"Naruto, do you remember what that two-faced guy hit you with?" asked Jiraiya.

"You mean the one that felt as if I had knives cutting into me EVERYWHERE? Gee, I wonder," grumbled Naruto.

"Have you ever seen that jutsu before?" asked Jiraiya.

"Uhm, no," admitted Naruto.

"Have you ever seen jutsu that required someone to name a technique while waving a stick before?" asked Jiraiya.

"Uhm, not so much," admitted Naruto.

"Have you ever seen a jutsu that caused wooden sticks to allow ninja to fly?" asked Jiraiya, sitting on the edge of the desk and looking out the window.

"Well, no, I can't say that I have," admitted Naruto before looking out the window. Once he did, he could indeed see a woman on what looked like an old broom flying above one of the fields outside the school.

"Now, I've seen some flight techniques - Iwa has them but they're not exactly common," said Jiraiya, his voice thoughtful. "Requires a lot of chakra, precise control, and you're basically repelling yourself from the ground as I understand it. That looks a lot easier."

"I SO want that," admitted Naruto. "Okay, I can see why you want to stick around this old place. But why do I have to be a student?"

"Because you're not old enough to be a teacher, you ARE my student, and you get to attend classes where they explain how to do things like that," said Jiraiya, jerking a thumb towards the window as he returned his attention to Naruto.

"But I suck at tests and studying and stuff," confessed Naruto.

"So you learn by doing," said Jiraiya.

"How are you going to fake being a teacher?" asked Naruto.

"Who's faking anything?" replied Jiraiya. "I DO have a few ideas on how to overcome the lack of knowledge of THEIR techniques though. So don't worry about it."

* * *

"Hey youngster, I saw you watching from the window."

The woman seemed old, but carried it well. Unlike Grandma Tsunade, who hid it.

"Uhm, yeah, it's kinda neat," admitted Naruto.

"Tell you what, you show me how you're doing that, and I'll show you how to use a broom," said the old woman.

"Eh?" asked Naruto.

"I saw you," said the woman. "You didn't use a wand, no incantation was uttered, but you climbed a wall and leapt from one staircase to another as they were shifting."

"Well, yeah, I got kinda lost trying to find a bathroom around here," admitted Naruto. "Cause these staircases and stuff keep moving around."

"You have NO idea how truly annoying they can be," said the woman. "I'm certain that they can determine when you're in a hurry and they deliberately switch around on such occasions."

"You're a teacher here?" asked Naruto.

"Madam Rolanda Hooch, flight instructor," said the old woman. "And you?"

"Oh, right. Naruto Uzumaki. Uhm, student sorta I guess."

"Very well, Mister Uzumaki. Do we have a deal?"

* * *

"Rolanda, what exactly were you doing with that young man?"

"Falling down for the most part, Minerva."

"Might one inquire exactly why one would do such a fool thing?"

"Have you ever needed to go rushing off to the bathroom only to find that none of the stairs are behaving? Have you ever had the cafeteria announce fresh salmon only to discover that you arrived two minutes too late?"

"Well, no, not really."

Madam Hooch sniffed, her falcon-like appearance momentarily strengthening as emotions intensified. "Well, I have. And as there are no spells to be cast or brooms ridden within the halls, I find myself quite interested in these 'jutsu' that allow a spell-effect without a spell being cast."

"A spell that isn't a spell? Preposterous."

"Our new Defense Against The Dark Arts instructor seems a specialist in such things," said Madam Hooch. "It may be quite an interesting year."

"Oh, I've no doubt about that," admitted Minerva McGonagall. "Just that Harry Potter will be attending this year would make it interesting."

* * *

"So," said Jiraiya. "What's up with this 'Hari Poturu' kid?"

Minerva McGonagall glanced at the odd new DADA teacher. "Do you not know anything about the Wizarding World?"

"Not locally," admitted Jiraiya. "Entirely different customs."

"Then how are you going to teach Defense Against The Dark Arts?" asked McGonagall.

"In my own fashion actually," said Jiraiya with a suitable grin. "Not going to answer the question, are you?"

"I'm not exactly the best authority for you on the matter," said McGonagall. "I'm Minerva McGonagall, the Transfiguration teacher."

"Hang on, is that big bug over there dangerous?" asked Jiraiya, nodding his head towards a wall.

"Uhm, actually," said Minerva, seeing a large spider where there shouldn't be one. "Those are quite poisonous." And this one was large enough to pose a danger to any cats nearby.

No wand was raised. The odd man raised two fingers up to rest just below his mouth, and then breathed a stream of flames which reduced the acromantula spawn to a crispy husk which dropped a second later.

Minerva McGonagall blinked. "No wand?" He hadn't burned the wall either, which bespoke enormous control over a normally rambunctious element.

"In an actual combat situation, such as when you're dealing with an enemy ambush or poisonous spider - every second is precious," said Jiraiya, who was quite aware he was being judged. "Being able to send a simple attack like that off can give you a few seconds to prepare."

"I see," said Minerva McGonagall, nodding. She in fact DID see. If someone attacked you and you could throw fire at them, it could distract the opponent long enough for you to get your own wand out. While she still had serious reservations about the foreign teacher here in Hogwarts, that DID manage to establish some credibility.

"Oh, here you are," said another woman, entering the lounge. "Professor Jiraiya, isn't it?"

"Indeed," said Jiraiya. "New Defense Against the Dark Arts instructor. And you?"

"Professor Bethesda Babbling," said the wiry-thin woman with a large nose and thick glasses. "You really should make the rounds and get acquainted with everyone."

"I suppose I should," admitted Jiraiya. "Professor?"

"Yes, I'll fill you on those details you asked for on a later occasion, I think," said McGonagall with a nod.

* * *

Jiraiya paused as an enormous man went off on some sort of flying vehicle from Hogwarts.

"Something wrong?" asked Severus Snape, coming up behind Jiraiya.

"Ah, Professor Snape," said Jiraiya, inclining his head towards the severely dressed Potions instructor. "No, just noticing that sensible contraption."

"'Sensible'?" asked Snape, a sneer beginning. "How is that ridiculous contraption sensible?"

"Padded seat," said Jiraiya. "I notice most of the brooms used for flying are just a hardwood rod where you sit down. I'd imagine after several hours of flying like that it'd be quite uncomfortable."

Snape opened his mouth, paused, visibly thought about it, then nodded to concede that point. "Perhaps. I have seen saddles used on some models of flying broom. I however find that gallavanting around in the air like that is more a passion of the young. There are other methods available that are more time and energy efficient."

"Perhaps," said Jiraiya. "Certainly more dignified. Yet I would think it would have its uses. As well as a certain style."

"Perhaps," said Severus.

* * *

"Oh no, that won't do at all," said Madam Rolanda Hooch. "You need equipment for your first day here and don't even have a wand? No, we really must do something about this."

Jiraiya glanced at Naruto, wondering how the boy had managed to befriend two of the teachers here already. "Well, there's a problem. I have some money, Naruto does as well, but neither is even close to the local currency."

Charity Burbage nodded at that herself. While she was mainly an assistant to the Muggle Studies department at present, she WAS the professor in charge of the Muggle Music class. "I've got the least prepwork to do, Rolanda. I'll pop off to Diagon Alley with young Naruto here and make sure he's set up proper."

"Excellent," said Madam Hooch, nodding once. It was hard not to like Charity Burbage, despite her oft-controversial stance on interacting with muggles. She was, after all, a hard worker who came across as quite sincerely friendly and responsible. It also didn't hurt that she was excellent in Potions and a wonder in the kitchen. When teatime came around she usually had an extra cucumber sandwich or two, or some other typical traditional snack for the occasion.

"Don't worry about the expense," Charity assured Jiraiya. "I'll just keep a running tally and you can pay back when your wages come in. Just don't go dying off."

"Not that bit about the 'DADA curse' again," said Minerva McGonagall from where she had seated herself during the introductions to Professor Jiraiya.

"What exactly does he need?" asked Jiraiya.

"Accio Hogwarts Invitation," said Charity, her wand making the appropriate gesture. Paperwork flew to her hand, which she then handed off.

"Hmmm," said Jiraiya, quickly checking the second page. "First year students will require three sets of plain black robes, one plain pointed hat, one pair of protective gloves, one winter cloak, a list of books, wand, cauldron, a set of crystal or glass vials, a telescope, brass scales, an animal... toad?"

"Yes, you're allowed a toad - though any familiar will do," admitted Rolanda Hooch. "Owl, cat, and toad are simply the most traditional."

"Many don't bring one at all," noted Charity. "That part is strictly optional."

"No, I can manage a toad on my own," said Naruto.

"Oh, and a first-year cannot bring their own broomstick," said Madam Hooch. "That's a very old rule, as the students are meant to familiarize themselves with versions that do not bear individual tweaks or nonstandard features."

"Robes?" asked Naruto. "Can't I just wear what I'm wearing?"

"You have a problem with robes?" asked Professor McGonagall, raising an eyebrow.

"If I jump anywhere or fly, I'm gonna be kinda exposed," pointed out Naruto.

"The robes are outerwear, Mister Uzumaki," said Professor McGonagall. "It is quite acceptable to wear clothing underneath that layer."

"Well, let's get a move on, young Mister Uzumaki," said Professor Burbage. "We'll floo into Diagon Alley and see you equipped for your stay."

* * *

Naruto felt a moment of disorientation as he reappeared in an entirely different chimney than he'd been a moment ago.

"You want to get out of there as soon as you can move," advised Charity Burbage. "Otherwise it can get messy."

"Okay, I s'pose," said Naruto, his eyes flicking over the area. It was an area of heavy traffic.

"Oi! Move it along, mate!"

"Right, sorry," said Naruto, realizing he'd stopped and was blocking people from using the fireplace. He moved away from the fireplace despite looking in all directions as much as possible.

"First time in Diagon Alley, eh?" asked Charity. "Hmmm. I suppose it might be a bit overwhelming if you don't know what to expect."

"Uhm, yeah, so what do we do first?" asked Naruto.

"First, the wand. I've heard your form of magic doesn't require one, but you'll find that wands focus and direct the magic a lot more efficiently," said Charity. "Ollivander's is the best, so that's where we'll go."

* * *

"Well, now, what do we have here?" said Garrick Ollivander, sizing up the two customers entering his shop. In truth, he knew through simple deduction what was up. It was late afternoon or early evening, depending on whom one spoke to, the day before the Hogwarts Express would be taking children up to that school.

One of the two, Charity Burbage, was known to Ollivander as a teacher at Hogwarts. Also known, in Ollivander's personal opinion, for being able to make a strawberry-rhubarb pie that was just this side of Heaven's Gate. Oh, and she was a Muggles Studies teacher.

The boy was a bit old for a first time wand-buyer, but staring with unabashed curiosity around him and dressed in unfamiliar clothing. He also looked somewhat oriental despite the blue eyes and yellow-gold hair.

Therefore, Garrick Ollivander deduced - first time wand buyer. Probably muggle-born and lately discovered as a wizard. Not entirely unheard of though the boy was a bit old to have just recently manifested some magic.

"We need to get Mister Uzumaki here outfitted with a wand," said Charity. "I'll need a receipt, by the by. I'm to be eventually reimbursed when his mentor's finances are a bit more settled."

"Oh yes, I quite understand," said Ollivander with a nod. "Very well, let me take a couple of measurements."

Naruto endured a few minutes of having some tape measure being brought out and some odd commands being given him. He didn't see the point of any of it, but was taking his cues from Professor Burbage who seemed to think everything going on was perfectly normal.

"All right," said Garrick Ollivander, looking over his notes then regarding the ceiling thoughtfully. "Let's see. Perhaps?"

Going to a shelf at apparently random, the aged man checked a few boxes before pulling one out and opening it up. "Let's see here. Yew wood and dragon heartstring, six inches, very supple."

Naruto took the proferred wand and stared at it.

"Go ahead and give it a flick," suggested Professor Burbage.

Naruto flicked the wand. Sparks erupted from the lamps, a jet of flame roared out from the inkpot on the desk, and a fly buzzing around the stairwell screamed and left a trail of smoke in the air as it crashed to the ground.

"My word," said Charity Burbage.

"That was rather extreme," noted Garrick Ollivander. "I think that was a 'no' as far as a match."

"A 'match'?" asked Naruto.

"The wand chooses the wizard, Mister Uzumaki," said Garrick Ollivander before getting thoughtful again. "Maybe..."

The wandmaker went to a different shelf, where he brought out an old dusty box and a different wand. "Eight inches, cherry wood with a unicorn hair core."

Naruto grasped it, only for the wand to go shooting off across the room and bury itself in a wall.

"That was most definitely a 'no'," indicated Ollivander. "In fact, I think it safe to say that that was the most clear indication of 'no' that I have yet seen."

"Well, that's a bit of an accomplishment at least," indicated Professor Burbage.

"Quite," admitted Ollivander as he saw a challenge here before him. "Let's try this one." Another rummaging around and pulling forth a wand was followed by Naruto holding onto it.

"Uhm, it felt like it squirmed," said Naruto, staring at the length of wood.

"Try anyway," said Ollivander.

A ten inch long wooly rhinoceros stood there on the countertop after Naruto had finished.

"Another first," proclaimed Ollivander.

"Cool!" proclaimed Naruto.

"It is rather cute," said Professor Burbage.

"I'll use it to knock down your bill a bit," said Ollivander, using his own wand to summon a birdcage to put the creature into. "I know someone who is very much into exotic type mammals and I do believe this qualifies."

Another frantic sorting went on, with Ollivander chosing and discarding several wands without bringing one to Naruto. Finally he muttered a "perhaps" and then went to a cabinet which he then unlocked, pulling a single box from the interior.

"I acquired this one back in 1939," stated Ollivander, unwinding the chains holding this wand case closed. "A foreign wizard handed it off for me to research. A most curious thing. He paid in advance, went off to deal with something related to the war, then never returned."

"It certainly looks unusual," noted Professor Burbage.

"Oh, it certainly is that," said Ollivander. "Elder god spleen fiber and runewood."

"Dear me, that sounds terribly expensive," said Charity Burbage. "Isn't runewood extinct?"

"To the point of being mythic," said Garrick Ollivander, using a pair of pliers to lift the wand from the case. "The same with the core. Until I examined it and determined the components, I had thought either material unlikely to exist in the first place. In any case, Mister Uzumaki, if you would?"

"Those are metal pliers," noted Naruto.

"Indeed," said Ollivander, still using the pliers to hold up the wand in question.

"The metal is smoking," noted Naruto.

"Not unexpected either," said Ollivander.

Naruto nervously gulped and reached out to touch the shaft of wood.

It seemed as if the entire world went silent for a moment, even the crowds outside the shop having paused for a moment.

Then the wand in question settled itself into Naruto's hand with a purring sound.

"Ah," said Garrick Ollivander. "This seems ominous somehow."

"How expensive is that?" asked Professor Burbage.

"Quite cheap actually," said Ollivander. "I've been wanting to get rid of it. It makes the other wands nervous."

* * *

Naruto found a wand sheath being given him, and discovered one wore it as a bracer against one's forearm. At thirteen inches, a bit long for that location but he was told once he'd gotten his growth it would be perfect. In the meantime he wore it in a belt holster.

"Now, you said you could get a toad yourself," said Charity Burbage as they exited Ollivander's wand shop. "So we'll go with cauldrons next."

"What's a 'cauldron' anyway?" asked Naruto.

"You'll see," said Charity, heading off. "First we get off the main strip. Not that way, as Knockturn Alley is somewhat unpleasant. This way."

"Where's this?" asked Naruto as they went up a flight of stairs.

"Horizon Alley," said Charity. "Not quite as upscale as Diagon, more reputable than Knockturn."

"Oh," said Naruto, not understanding but figuring this Professor seemed to know what she was about.

"Horizon Alley," said Charity, pointing at the sign, then at various stores. "That there is McMurdock's, he's a specialist in potions and oils and such. A little bit crazy though. Been sniffing his distilleries a bit too much I think. Over there is Mohawk Weapons, owned by a Mister E. Or Z. Or something like that. Enchanted weaponry... Mister Uzumaki?"

* * *

"**What the hell is this?**" asked the Ninetailed Demon Fox as odd ripples went through the chakra network of his host.

Odd itching sensations accompanied each one, and then It came.

It was cool and soothing on a hot day, it was tight control and disciplined edge.

It was clearly a weapon.

"**Interesting,**" said Kurama as it examined what it could tell of the thing from his prison.

Destruction/Corruption/Chaos/Transfiguration

"**Oh?**" asked Kurama as the ripples of chakra briefly formed a set of sensations. Of course, if it was to withstand the chakra of the Ninetailed Demon Fox, it would have to be fairly tough - but it also sounded as if it had a penchant for blowing things up or slicing them apart.

Destruction/Devastation.

Both sounded intriguing to the caged Kyubi. Quite a few possibilities offered themselves with such a thing.

* * *

"Mister U-zu-ma-ki. WHY do you feel you need such a thing?"

"But... weapon... cool..." said Naruto, giving a very good begging-puppy-no-jutsu as he gestured towards the shop.

"No. You may not have such a thing. Not at Hogwarts. There is absolutely nothing at the school you would use such a thing for. Not to mention that you have no money with which to purchase such a thing." She had been a teacher for several years now and was quite good at resisting the whole "puppy eyes" hex.

"But..." Naruto's voice trailed off and he slumped in place.

Charity Burbage shook her head slightly. "Let's see, that over there - as you can see - is a stationary store for those with special needs in that field. I've met the proprietor - a Mister Peck and I believe the rumors about him acquiring some supplies through less than honest means are completely false."

Naruto glanced up, thinking he ought to tell Pervy-sage about that one. Looked like they sold scrolls there.

"Sorcerous Smokes is a tobaccoist, though he has also been known to acquire various herbs and magical plants," said Charity as they passed that shop. "I'm not sure where Colonel Smith acquired the nickname 'Hannibal' but one can usually find him playing chess or some other strategy game with regular customers if you fancy such diversions. No?"

"No," agreed Naruto. "Shikamaru's good at that sort of thing. I ain't."

"Well, then there's the pastries shop, a small cafe, and our destination itself," said Charity. "Shall we?"

"'Pinsetta Sundries'?" asked Naruto before following the professor into the shop. "What's a 'sundrie'?"

"After that we'll go to Madam Malkin's little shop. Overpriced unless you know how to dicker," said Charity.

Naruto hoped that didn't indicate something hentai.

* * *

Jiraiya sat back on a parapet and considered. Not too many of the young pretty eye-candy he liked to indulge in, but as a teacher in a school that sort of thing might get him thrown out before he was ready. So it was like an infiltration mission in that regard, except the amount of killing was vastly reduced.

As near as he could tell, the society here was generally very capable with their jutsu-use. In fact, the idea of enchanting objects to enhance their effectiveness was something he planned on investigating more thoroughly.

There were a lot of things he wanted to investigate more thoroughly. Unfortunately the lack of young pretty girls meant that was one thing he couldn't really investigate. Pity.

Fortunately, like the last time he'd been involved in one of these 'dimensional transfer' accidents - being translated to a new reality carried with it a dominant language translation. Occasionally a word or phrase wouldn't translate, or some section of writing on a page would remain squiggles that looked like they meant something, but for the most part things were understandable.

Still, even with the language barrier not being a problem, there were parts of this that made no sense to him at all. He lacked the references that this society assumed everyone had.

So, having him and Naruto pose as a foreign teacher and student (it being the truth made it easier to go along with) allowed them to ask why and what and how as they went along. Oh, they're foreigners and don't know any better. Which was good as trying to portray themselves as natives had been blown out of the water within minutes of arrival.

Flipping open his book, Jiraiya began reading. The fact that some of the text and certain pictures moved was somewhat interesting, but he had to establish his presence and identity here first.

Other research, much as it pained him, had to wait.

* * *

Naruto's eyes were glazed over within a minute of the lecture on cauldron construction and alchemical preparation.

Charity Burbage noted that and frowned slightly. "Miss Pinsetta? Do you happen to have some Baruffio's?"

"Ah, the child? Yes, as a matter of fact. With students going off to Hogwarts tomorrow, had to get extra stock in."

"Naruto, take a sip of this. No more than a sip," said Charity, handing a flask to Naruto and then turning back to the proprietor in order to pay for it.

Naruto looked askance at it. "'Baruffio's Brain Elixir'? What's this?"

"It isn't unheard of," Charity assured him. "I'm told the muggles even have a version of it called Attention Deficit Disorder. Also it happens when someone gets hit in the head repeatedly or confusion hexed or such. The potion merely makes it easier for someone to learn and concentrate."

"This is the latest version," said the plump saleswitch. "Less of an overall effect, but it completely eliminates the manic side-effect."

"Well, that's good," said Charity. "Though I think the muggle term is 'obsessive compulsive' or something like that. Actually thought that was a pretty good description."

Naruto tried a sip of the drink, making a face as it tasted... "How can it taste like an old scroll? How do I even know that's what an old scroll would taste like?"

"So, what use is a gold cauldron?" asked Charity.

"The making of certain potions require a gold cauldron, such as _Polyjuice Potion_, but overall they're useless since the charms keeping the metal from melting have to be renewed constantly," said Naruto, who then stopped and blinked. "Wha?"

"The elixir you just sipped is for focusing one's attention and being able to remember things," said Charity. "By any chance, were you hit with a curse when you were younger?"

Naruto thought of the fox instantly. "You... could say that."

"That's what I thought," said Charity. "Now we've got the cauldron and a supply of elixir to help you along. Next is Madame Malkin's."

* * *

A bell over the door tinkled as the two entered another shop.

"Oh, are you new here child?" asked Charity Burbage.

"Saku... You're not Sakura," said Naruto, blinking. "Sorry." Eye color was wrong (blue instead of green), this girl was at least five years older than Sakura, and Sakura had shorter hair than this girl - though Sakura had longer hair before the Chunin Exams.

"Aye lady, I'm a new hire," said the pink-haired girl in a thick accent.

"What IS it with that hair color?" asked Charity.

"Ah, well, I'm naturally a redhead but I was trying a charm earlier to see if the whole bit about blondes being more popular was accurate." The pinkette shrugged. "Miscast apparently. Should wear off in a few hours, or so I'm told."

"I would hope so," said Charity, shaking her head briefly. "My sympathies. I think there are few young women who haven't experimented with cosmetic transfigurations but my first thought was someone had pranked you."

Naruto thought of all the possibilities for pranks which would result in a change of hair color and was immediately interested. These new jutsu could be used for such? Very interesting.

"Yes, well, my name is Hannah. Can I help you find anything?"

"Young Uzumaki here needs a full set of robes for his enrollment at Hogwarts." Charity indicated Naruto with a gesture.

"Outgrown your old set?" asked Hannah. "Uzumaki, eh? Sounds Japanese. We've got a set of them should fit right over here."

"I want to get one set with the quick cleaning and resist damage charms," said Charity. "Also a set of clothes for around town and doing exercise as I understand his private tutor emphasizes physical fitness."

"Private tutor?" asked Hannah, a practiced eye going over Naruto and estimating money.

"His teacher is currently enrolled at Hogwarts and will be reimbursing me later, so I'll need a line-by-line receipt," said Charity.

"Right-e-oh," said Hannah cheerfully. "We got this one as trade-in. It's got the charms for quick-cleaning, water-shedding, and durability enhancement on it. Understand the previous owner shot up like a weed over the summer and was shy on funds. It'll save you a bit and a bob or two because it IS used and there's a burn on this edge here but it hardly shows."

"That will do nicely," said Charity.

"If it hadn't had that durability charm, prolly would'a burned the robes and the wearer," noted Hannah. "Anyway. Will he be playing quidditch?"

"I doubt it, but he will be learning to fly a broom," said Charity. "Madam Hooch has taken an interest in him."

THAT penetrated the girl's calculations visibly. Madam Hooch had a reputation for pinching every last coin until the metal itself cried out for mercy. She was known for bartering down goblins in the market - not an easy feat.

"Right-e-oh," said Hannah. "So... something a little less orange than what the young laird is wearing?"

"Your accent," said Charity as she placed the off-again on-again accent. "Beauxbatons?"

"Yes'm," said Hannah, taking her tape measure to Naruto. "Though that'd be a few years ago, been out Liverpool way since then. Is that a problem?"

"No, not at all," said Charity. "Just unusual."

"If you'd stand still, young laird," instructed Hannah to a fidgeting Naruto, "I need to finish measuring your inseam."

_WHAP!_

"YAGH!"

Hannah blinked at the boy clinging to the ceiling. "That's odd."

Charity shrugged. "Different culture I suspect. Interesting spell though."

* * *

Producing a kage bunshin when in a fitting room had been easy, and he'd simply left it behind when he'd exited.

The clone waited until the original and the professor had left, then went past the startled Hannah.

There was a shop that needed investigating, and a return visit when he had some of the local money would definitely be on the schedule.

* * *

"So, Mister Uzumaki," said Charity as they stopped at an intersection, "you said you already have a toad. Do you happen to have it in a pocket or something?"

"Not quite," said Naruto, biting his thumb then slapping that hand down. "Summoning jutsu."

"Yo!" said an orange toad. "Wassup?"

Charity felt her eyebrows about ready to join her hairline. "You don't do anything normally do you, Mister Uzumaki?"

"Uhm, no?" tried Naruto.

"Busy place," noted Gamakichi.

"A talking toad wearing a vest," said Charity. "Well, rather more useful than the usual toad."

"Well, I AM a ninja toad," noted Gamakichi. "Did you need something or is this just a social summoning?"

"Mister Uzumaki is enrolled in Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry," said Charity. "He is allowed a toad familiar, which I believe you qualify as though you're a bit larger than the usual. I am Charity Burbage, a professor at Hogwarts."

"Gamakichi," said Gamakichi, waving at the woman briefly. "I don't understand half of what you said, but if you're teaching the kid - good luck."

"I've already taken steps to address his learning disability," Charity informed the toad. "However, your concern for his scholastic achievements is understood and appreciated."

"Uhm, thanks I guess," said Gamakichi.

* * *

"So," said Jiraiya that evening, not looking up from a book he had opened, "what did you get?"

"Magic wand, cauldrons, magic bag, set of these black robes, change of clothes, buncha books, some magic potion, set of crystal vials," said Naruto. "School stuff."

"Ah," said Jiraiya. "Work on your henge. You're going to be masquerading as a younger kid."

"Eh? Why?" asked Naruto.

Jiraiya looked up at that. "Because the First-Year students get the basics, and the basics is what you're going to need."

"Why don't we just learn the local stuff and go back?" asked Naruto.

"Naruto? There is a right way, a wrong way, and a ninja way to do things," said Jiraiya, fairly patiently. "We are using the ninja approach. I forget the rule number but when in an unfamiliar territory - assimilate. Learn everything you can, because information is a valuable resource."

"I still don't see why this wand-waving stuff is necessary," said Naruto.

Jiraiya tried a different tack. "It's dozens of new jutsu which haven't been seen in our country, and therefore something you'd be able to pull out in a fight that your opponent wouldn't know how to counter."

"They know how to do different stuff," admitted Naruto. "I don't see how it's any better than ninjutsu."

"Who is the oldest person you've met?" asked Jiraiya.

Naruto blinked. "Uhm. Jiji, I guess. Third Hokage. He was real old."

"He died at the age of sixty-nine," Jiraiya informed his pupil. "That is VERY rare for a ninja and an indication of how badass he was when he was younger. The Third had less than a tenth of the strength he had when he was Kakashi's age."

"Okay," said Naruto.

"Albus Dumbledore, the old guy in charge of this school?" asked Jiraiya, waiting for a nod from Naruto to continue. "He's well over a hundred years old."

"Whoa," said Naruto. "Pretty spry for an old guy."

"There are others around who are even older," noted Jiraiya, tapping another book on the table. "Wizards and witches seem to age a bit slower than ninja and kunoichi, though part of that may be that their lives seem a bit less violent."

"So what are you reading?" asked Naruto, not wanting to continue this lecture.

"Reading up on the wands and magic, what they can do," said Jiraiya, frowning as he turned his gaze back to the book. "It doesn't make a lot of sense. We ninja use handseals and the name of the technique to help us focus the chakra into a specific set of patterns. With this - it's almost like the magic recognizes the word and the wand gesture is to indicate a direction and the magic then handles the rest. Or that the jutsu is drawing energy from somewhere else. Not nature-energy or sage mode. Something else. They don't go much into the underlying mechanics at least in any of the books I've skimmed through so far, so I may be wrong. Or not. Still working on it."

"Well, apparently I gotta early lesson on broom-flying tomorrow," said Naruto with a shrug. "Then I got to go into this 'London' place. Some rule about students having to arrive by some 'express' thing."

"Yeah, I heard that, passed by Ottaline Gambol, and there's complaints about how some people are trying to get that rule dropped entirely," said Jiraiya, returning most of his attention to the book. There was a LOT of history here, especially compared to what he was used to. "Before you go get some sleep though, write out a mission report. Tomorrow I'm sending a toad to Tsunade to tell her what's going on."

* * *

"What kind of a name is 'Hogwarts' anyway?" asked Naruto, trying not to yawn as it was WAY too early. He was also having some trouble adjusting to local hours for some reason. "You really named a school after warts?"

"It was named after a certain breed of lily - a flower," said Madam Hooch. "Hand out."

"Right," said Naruto, putting his hand out in imitation of the teacher. "So a big old school was named after a flower?"

"The castle was named after the flower, and the school was named after the castle," said Madam Hooch. "Now say 'up.'"

Naruto blinked as the broom shot straight up into the teacher's hand. "Up?"

The broom rolled to the side.

"More forcefully," advised the teacher.

"Up!" tried Naruto, rewarded when the broomstick thwacked meatily into his hand.

"Right, next step is to get on like so," said Madam Hooch, demonstrating.

"Okay," said Naruto, duplicating the woman as best he could.

"Firm grip," instructed the teacher. "Good. Now shift your weight backwards while maintaining that grip."

"Got it," said Naruto, almost expecting to overbalance and fall off. Instead he felt his feet leave the ground.

"Excellent," said Madam Hooch, sounding pleased. "You're doing quite well for someone with no experience. Keep this up and we may arrive in London in time for a quick meal before you go boarding the train."

"Ramen?" asked Naruto hopefully.

"I believe I know a place that serves oriental dishes not far from the station," said Madam Hooch. "Whether they are open at this hour I am not as certain of."

"What's next?" asked Naruto.

"Now comes the fun part," said Madam Hooch.

* * *

Jiraiya would have preferred green tea, but apparently they didn't have any in stock at the moment. He'd quietly spoken to the house elves, asking politely as to the possibility of acquiring some.

Fifteen minutes later, and a copy of one of his books lighter, he'd been enthusiastically told that such would be acquired at the first opportunity.

Jiraiya wasn't sure why these little creatures were so surprised at his manner, he got the distinct impression that they'd expected him to be rather more demanding and less polite. Curious, that. Another piece of the puzzle to put aside at least for now.

So instead he was sipping a black tea (with cream and sugar - which was the recommended method from those house elves) and watching from a balcony as Naruto made an unsteady rise up off the ground while sitting on one of those flying brooms.

He lifted the camera he'd borrowed for just such a purpose and snapped a quick shot of the two rising up. That was one that should interest Tsunade.

The student and the teacher ascended into the darkness of the pre-dawn hours into the sky, going slowly at first but gaining speed as Naruto got the hang of whatever jutsu was involved.

Ah well, he needed to get busy too - even though classes actually started tomorrow there was quite a bit to get ready for that little event.

* * *

Once he was no longer in danger of running into a wall, Naruto had to admit something. Flying was fun.

Flying faster was more fun.

"Very good, Mister Uzumaki," called out Madam Hooch. "Just keep it slow for now. Under forty-five."

Forty-five what - now that was a question Naruto wanted the answer to.

"Yours is a Cleansweep Eleven," continued Madam Hooch. "Top speed is about seventy."

_Seventy what?_ Naruto asked himself before realizing that whatever they were, the top speed was twice what he was travelling at now. Which sounded most intriguing.

They spent some time just following the path of the tracks below them before Madam Hooch pulled closer and spoke to him again. "You seem to be a natural at this, Mister Uzumaki. The air spirits seem to like you. Time to speed it up a bit. Increase your speed slowly."

"YEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

* * *

Madam Hooch struggled not to smile at the obvious enjoyment before she caught up with him again. "I do believe I said 'slowly' Mister Uzumaki!"

Madam Hooch kept an experienced eye out, having been hit (by accident admittedly) by an anti-aircraft shot once. An experience she'd come out of with an appropriate appreciation for "mere muggles" and their "toys" that would have earned her Voldemort's ire had he known of it.

Still, Mister Uzumaki had a Cleansweep Eleven that was for advanced students - mainly because of the quick acceleration and sturdy anti-friction charm. It wasn't as well equipped in the seat-pad-charm section as a broom designed specifically for long travels, but from what she'd observed - the youth wasn't all that inclined towards a soft lifestyle.

She'd been around a bit after all. To Rolanda Hooch, something about the two had translated as "specialist soldiers" to her eye. Speaking with them both had strengthened that initial observation. Rather like that secret agent fellow she'd met back in the '60s. Not nearly so dashing, but the same sort of feel on the older of the two.

"Ah, James," said Madam Hooch, remembering that fellow. A muggle of course, but rather attractive for all that.

Madam Hooch swooped near the boy. "We're going to practice braking and turning at speed now before we just dash on to the destination. Are you ready, Mister Uzumaki?"

"Born ready!"

Madam Hooch nodded, satisfied. Exactly the sort of attitude one needed for this sort of thing.

* * *

Naruto brought the broom up to the side of Madam Hooch's broom and stared at the scene before him.

He'd caught glimpses of large communities as he'd flown, following the tracks, but this was on a whole other level.

"London," said Madam Hooch. "We have an anti-sight charm, standard on these broomsticks, that keeps the muggles from getting more than a glimpse. We still have to keep relatively low though. Otherwise we might get picked up on a radar or some other gimmick, and then someone's got to go out and Obliviate and there's paperwork."

"Right," said Naruto. "Damn. I haven't seen a city this packed since... Heck, it's bigger than that!"

"London is rather a large place, eh?" asked Madam Hooch, feeling a stirring of national pride. "Where we're heading is King's Cross, a major hub in the railway system. I'll drop you off straight at the correct platform, try not to stray. Do you have your ticket?"

"Uhm," Naruto patted pockets, finally pulling the slip out. "Yeah."

"Good, keep track of that, you don't want to be caught without that," said Madam Hooch firmly. "Now let's see... there."

* * *

"Hmmm," hmmmed Jiraiya, brush poised over the scroll.

How to put this to Tsunade that the training journey had taken an unexpected turn?

This was a mission update report, and it all had to fit onto the scroll, and it all had to be coded with a standard cipher as this was NOT something to let anyone outside Tsunade know about it. So he had to be brief, professional, and without undue elaboration.

Ni-32 (Mission has gone into unexpected territory.)  
Ni-33 (Mission has REALLY gone FUBAR. No fatalities.)  
Za-9 (Uncharted territory, not part of Elemental Countries.)  
Ka-7 (Potentially valuable resources. Assessing.)  
Ya-11 (Infiltration mission underway. Have established identities.)  
Za-10 (Conflict upon arrival in foreign territory. Issue resolved.)  
Ku-1 (Arrived safely. Continuing mission.)  
Yu-1 (Further documentation sealed below, keyed to specific individual's chakra. Sensitive documents requiring secrecy, do not unseal unless in a secure location.)

Jiraiya paused and then reached for a camera that he'd borrowed from Madam Pomfrey "to send a few photos back with a 'arrived safely' message" - which was pretty much the truth just not all the truth.

* * *

Naruto settled into a compartment early on and remembered to use a henge, transforming to where he looked two years younger. Apparently the locals saw an enormous difference between an eleven year old and someone who was thirteen, for reasons that Naruto wasn't even going to spend a moment pondering.

No, he preferred broomstick travel to this method of transport - but he saw it as having a few pluses as well. For one thing, small flying bugs did NOT splatter themselves against your flying goggles or teeth while riding a train.

Waiting for things to start moving again, Naruto tried a magazine that had been left behind for whatever reason. It was apparently a 'muggle' publication as it had no moving pictures but DID have a lot of photographs.

He had no idea what "Private Eye" was about, since everything seemed to involve references to things he hadn't encountered yet or people he knew nothing about. He'd thought at first it might be about spying, since that was what the name had first suggested to him.

"That's an old edition anyway," said a slightly chubby kid as he entered the compartment.

"Uhm, okay," said Naruto as he finished putting the magazine away again.

The boy took a seat on the opposite side of the compartment and fidgeted briefly. "Uhm."

"Naruto Uzumaki. Pleased ta meetcha."

The boy blinked and looked up. "Oh. Yes. Neville Longbottom."

Naruto blinked and then decided to be kind and not snicker at that last name.

"Oh?" said a girl entering. "Hello."

"Naruto Uzumaki."

"Neville Longbottom."

"Longbottom, that's an old established wizarding family isn't it?" asked the girl. "Oh, and I'm Hermione Granger."

"Yes, yes, it is," said Neville, looking momentarily depressed and unsure of himself.

"Uzumaki though I've not heard of," said Hermione, turning thoughtful.

"Recently arrived," said Naruto.

"To England?" asked Hermione, perking up a bit. "Where from?"

"No place you've heard of, I'm sure," said Naruto, turning towards their other compartment-sharer. "What's wrong?"

"Oh, it's my toad, Trevor, he's gone missing," said Neville.

"Ah, your familiar's gone wandering off?" asked Hermione. "I suppose that might be a problem."

Naruto considered that and nodded. It was an excuse to go exploring. "Right. Kuchiyose no jutsu!"

"Yo!" said Gamakichi, appearing in a puff of smoke.

"A summon familiar spell without a wand?!" asked Hermione after she'd recovered from gaping at the sight.

"Whassup this time?" asked the orange toad.

"He's HUGE," observed Neville. "Trevor's only pocket-sized."

"You're overlooking that the toad is talking," said Hermione, clearly intrigued.

"He's got a name, ya know," said Naruto. "Gamakichi."

"Oh terribly sorry," quickly apologized Hermione. "Gah-mah-key-chay?"

"Uhm, close enough," said the toad.

"Gamakichi, this guy's lost a toad named Trevor," said Naruto. "Can you find 'em?"

"Eh, I can have a look," said Gamakichi. "Not one of the toads I'm familiar with though."

Hermione glanced at the foreign-looking boy again, clearly someone she'd have to keep an eye on.

* * *

There was a brief flash.

"Professor Jiraiya?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, was that your bad side?" asked Jiraiya. "Though it seemed quite fine to me."

"Flattery will get you nowhere, Jiraiya," said Professor McGonagall drily.

"Wouldn't dream of it," said Jiraiya. "These are photos I'm sending back with an 'arrived safely' letter. Figured the office would appreciate a few shots of the people I'll be working with and the environment here in Hogwarts."

"Well, at least the weather is cooperating today," said the transfigurations professor. "If you don't mind though, as head of Gryffindor House - I've quite a bit more to do in preparation."

"Really? I'd rather have thought you the sort to have everything arranged and done and planned out in advance," noted Jiraiya aloud.

"Well," hesitated Minerva McGonagall before nodding. "Certainly that's true to a large extent, but there are always last minute details."

"Well, don't let me keep you," said Jiraiya, giving a light bow suitable for one's social equal.

"Uhm, yes, quite," said Minerva, finding herself slightly pleased, just a bit, at the exotic gesture. She covered it by using her Animagus transformation - which was also quite handy for getting across the often uncooperative stairwells.

"Interesting," said Jiraiya, getting a quick picture of the cat moving away.

"You're a spy, aren't you?"

Jiraiya paused and then regarded the figure which had spoken. At which point he completely by accident got two photos of the individual in question. "Who are you?"

"Nearly Headless Nick," stated the transparent figure floating in midair.

"And 'what' are you? Is that a spell I'm not familiar with?" asked Jiraiya.

"What? You've never seen a ghost?" asked Nick, thinking that was even stranger than being a spy investigating a school.

"Not like you at least," said Jiraiya as he examined the spirit carefully. "I've run into zombies before, bodies animated by a kinjutsu. Also a goryo once."

"A... goryo?" asked Nick, looking puzzled until he placed it and then slightly alarmed. "A ghost of vengeance, someone so wronged as they died that they came back to enact that revenge in bloodiest way possible?"

"Yeah," said Jiraiya. "Nasty sucker. If they have them here I may have to address that in my lesson plan."

"I would imagine so," said Nick. "I should point out that neither I nor any of the ghosts here at Hogwarts fall into that sort of company. Well, possibly Peeves, but he's mostly harmless. Other than him though - not at all."

"Of course," said Jiraiya. "We're having a civilized conversation here on a moving staircase in an old castle. I would already have dissipated your essence or stored you in a bottle were you a goryo."

"Oh," said the ghost, having heard a rumor or two. "I see. Ah, I have been remiss. I am Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington, alias 'Nearly Headless Nick' - the official ghost of Gryffindor House."

"Jiraiya, known by many as 'Jiraiya the Gallant'," said Jiraiya, giving a polite light bow.

"I see, yes," said Nearly Headless Nick. "Not a spy after all."

"Ah, but you see, I'm an author. Some people do get the two professions confused," said Jiraiya, not mentioning he was both since one was a cover for the other.

"Oh? Researching a novel?" asked Nick.

"Well, if things go well..." admitted Jiraiya. A writer must seek inspiration where one could find it after all.

* * *

"There's something this way," declared Gamakichi, opening a door and looking in. "No. Not quite. None of you are named Trevor, are you?"

Three individuals stared at the large toad for a moment.

Naruto stuck his head into the compartment. "Don't you have a better way of tracking a toad?"

"If I knew him at all, maybe," admitted Gamakichi.

"Is that... an animagus transformation?" asked one of the kids in the compartment.

"Sorry, looking for a toad some Neville guy lost," said Naruto. "Ya ain't seen one wandering around, have ya?"

"You're a bit of an idiot if your toad is better behaved than you," noted one kid.

Gamakichi puffed up slightly, having taken a near-instant dislike for all three on entering the compartment and then having this unwarranted insult thrown out was even less impressed. "My bad. I guess there's no toad here, just a couple of toadies."

"How dare you speak of Draco Malfoy like that!" demanded one.

"He was referring to you two I think," said the one who seemed to radiate 'rich spoiled kid' to Gamakichi. "Since the wizard is some uncouth mongrel, I hardly expect the familiar to be any better."

"Man, if Kiba was here, I think you guys'd be dog chow by now," said Naruto.

"Oh?" said the two thicker-set boys, getting up and moving forward. "I think you need to learn some manners, shortstuff."

Naruto blinked once as the two taller and heavier boys tried to look intimidating.

* * *

Jiraiya stopped at one of the moving portraits, looking around himself in confusion.

"Lost?" asked the figure in the painting.

"Yes, actually," admitted Jiraiya.

"The nearest bathroom is one floor down, take the Northernmost corridor and the third door on your right," advised the gentleman's image.

"Not what I was looking for, but I guess you get that question a lot," said Jiraiya easily.

"Well, the castle was built before a lot of modern innovations such as central heating and indoor plumbing, and wizards being generally slow to adapt Muggle innovations..." said the portrait.

"Right," said Jiraiya. "Whereas you've seen quite a lot yourself, haven't you?"

"Oh, I'm not that old," said the portrait. "Norvel Twonk, Order Of Merlin - First Class."

"Impressive," said Jiraiya, who had no idea what that meant but as it was clearly meant to sound impressive was quite ready to humor the moving picture.

"Quite quite," said Norvel. "Still, one talks to the other portraits and learns a few things here and there."

Jiraiya nodded. As he understood it, the moving photographs were basically a set of photographs that kept showing the same sequence of events over and over. The portraits on the other hand were a more advanced fuuinjutsu that had an impression of the personality of the person they depicted. That they were capable of learning things on their own was actually a little concerning to him. Were these spirits bound to the canvas? How did a fuuinjutsu LEARN and adapt? More things to research.

Just how handy would such a thing be to a ninja? Send a portrait to a rival Kage and have a spy hanging on their wall in plain sight? Be able to consult with past Kage office-holders as new problems and situations developed? Oh yes, he could see all SORTS of possibilities for that.

"You got quite a thoughtful expression there for a moment," said Norvel.

"There are a few things you've got here which I don't have in my homeland," admitted Jiraiya. "I expect that while I might be a teacher here - there will be much for me to learn as well."

Norvel nodded. "I find that is true of the best teachers. Good luck, young man. Now, where exactly was it that you were looking to go to?"

"Ah, that would be the classroom that I'll be teaching in. Defense Against the Dark Arts," said Jiraiya.

"Oh, you have gotten turned around haven't you?" said Norvel. "Just follow me, I'll show you to the right corridor."

Jiraiya watched the portrait's subject move to another portrait, excusing himself as he went by the couple depicted there. Yes, he could definitely see some uses for that.

* * *

He'd been taking his medicine. He'd noticed some things seemed to just sort of click together in his head.

Such as when one of the larger boys reached forward to shove him, how he'd seen Neji deal with an attack like that. You brought your hand up like so, deflecting their movement to the side while stepping in and then move like this.

The other was still trying to move forward, but Naruto simply lashed out with a backhand. Once these preliminaries were out of the way, he could see what these guys actually had.

Except that the one reaching for him was heading for the ground with a yelp and the other was bouncing off the wall and heading towards-

Naruto stared in confusion as the two kids who'd started towards him were now sprawled at his feet and groaning like they'd been in a tough fight.

"What the?!" said the rich kid. "Did both of you just trip?"

"Meh, let's go, Gamakichi. Guess that Trevor ain't here," said Naruto, feeling a great deal of disappointment at the fight that wasn't.

* * *

"You'll never guess who I saw," said Hermione, sounding slightly smug.

"Trevor?" asked Neville Longbottom hopefully.

"No," said Hermione, opening her mouth to follow that up.

"Tsunade?" asked Naruto.

"No," said Hermione, slightly puzzled for a second. "It was-"

"Sasuke Uchiha?"

"No. I'll tell you who it was," tried Hermione, taking a breath to blurt it all out.

"It wasn't Pervy-sensei, was it?"

Hermione directed a flat look towards her new associate. "No. It was Harry Potter."

"Who's that?" asked Naruto.

Both Neville and Hermione stared at Naruto as if they couldn't believe he'd asked that question.

"What?" asked Naruto. "I don't know the guy. Is he famous or something?"

"Or something," said Hermione, shaking her head. "He's the 'Boy Who Lived' after all."

"Oh, he lived through some really difficult fight?" asked Naruto.

"When he was just a baby, the Dark Lord Who Must Not Be Named tried to kill him," explained Hermione as if a barely-patient teacher to a slow student. "He survived but got a scar on his forehead."

"You saw the scar? I'm so jealous," said Neville.

"He got a scar in a fight when he was born?" asked Naruto. "Could have been worse."

"Well, yes," said Hermione, still sounding a bit put off. "Since the alternative would have been him dying like everyone else attacked by He Who Must Not Be Named - that really was the least of the two options."

"So this 'Must Not Be Named' guy is like Orochimaru?" asked Naruto. When the two looked at him with obvious cluelessness, he elaborated a bit. "Big bad guy, kills kids and just about anyone else he can't use, runs a sinister hidden organization, steals bodies, does lotsa weird stuff with snakes?"

"No of course..." Hermione stopped, considered, pondered a bit. "Actually, yes. It does sound a bit like your Oh-Roachie-Mah-Ru. I take it that wherever you come from is where this fellow is?"

"Yeah, fought him once, but he was WAY too strong for me to take on," said Naruto. "He gave a hickey to a member of my team, kidnapped him, and is after his body from what I understand."

"Oh dear," said Hermione, turning several shades of red and then pale and then even more red as she interpreted that.

"He's also got this weird jutsu, err 'spell', that makes his tongue stretch out to like three times his height, does weird stuff with it," said Naruto, thinking of things like picking up kunai and spitting out swords.

Hermione stumbled slightly, falling on her seat and staring. "That's disgusting!"

"Believe me, it's a LOT more disgusting to see it," confided Naruto. "We were taking a test in a forest when he snuck in and did all that. Nearly killed me and Sakura when he was giving Sasuke that hickey-mark."

Hermione made a face, looking especially pale. "That's HORRIBLE."

"Oh yeah, but Pervy-sensei is gonna train me and we'll get Sasuke back! Dattebayo!" Naruto clenched his fist and took the Dramatic Declaration Pose (page 493 of the Konoha Ninja Handbook dealing with interaction with potential clients) as he spoke.

"So, I take it you never saw Trevor either?" asked Neville.

"Nope," admitted Naruto. "Sorry, this mission was a total bust."

"'Mission'?" asked Hermione. "You make it sound as if you're a soldier of some kind."

"Ninja," corrected Naruto.

"You're not wearing black," pointed out Hermione.

"No, orange is much more awesome," said Naruto.

Hermione opened her mouth, considered, then decided the wisest course was just to drop the subject.

"What's a 'ninja'?" asked Neville.

"There are no ninja," stated Hermione. "They were quite thoroughly debunked on 'Mythbusters' you know."

There was brief silence after that as Naruto and Hermione took their seats.

Neville broke the silence. "What's a 'mythbusters'?"

possibly continued, i'm not a big Harry Potter fan but this is surprisingly amusing to write and so far has not accumulated any flames to dissuade me from continuing.


	28. Chapter 28:Pimp DADA Jiraiya, pt 2

**Another Fistful Of Omake**

by Greylle

DISCLAIMER: Naruto from Kishimoto, the Potterverse from JK Rowling.  
NOTE: One of the ideas i came up with for redoing the Shippuden thing. This got written because of the title. Not sure how far it would go, but having Jiraiya showing his competent side (instead of his comic relief side) had some appeal.

Omake 28: Pimp DADA Jiraiya, part 2

* * *

"So," said Neville after a few more miles of watching countryside go by. "You're not from London, I take it."

"No. That was that big city we were in, right?" asked Naruto.

"How could you not know about London?" asked Hermione.

"Not from around here," Naruto reminded them as he looked out the window.

"Where's your luggage anyway? Don't tell me you forgot to bring your school supplies," said Hermione, ready to show off how prepared she was.

Naruto fished in a pocket and pulled out a scroll. "Got it all right here."

Neville stared. "Where?"

"Right here," said Naruto, pointing at the scroll with the hand not currently occupied in holding it.

"You're holding a scroll," pointed out Hermione. "That's not going to be sufficient. You need a cauldron, for example."

"Right, it's in here," said Naruto, now moving the arm back and forth to further indicate the scroll he was holding in the other hand.

"That's not like one of those Mokeskin Bags is it?" asked Hermione, making a connection.

"Nah, this is just a Sealing Scroll," said Naruto. "I'm not as good as Pervy-sensei though. He can seal away LOTS more in one of these than I can."

Hermione looked at the scroll. A scroll that could be lifted easily in one hand. A scroll that this impossible boy said contained all his school supplies. She'd already decided that as soon as she could - she'd get something like that. She was now moving it up a couple of items on her 'to-do' list. "If that's true, then I would very much like to learn how to do that."

"Of course it's true," said Naruto. "Any ninja learns how to do this. Otherwise you'd be weighted down with all the stuff you need to take with you."

"But ninjas don't exist," said Hermione.

"If you listen to the Muggles, neither do wizards," pointed out Neville.

Hermione opened her mouth, visibly considered, closed her mouth, then nodded. "Point."

"Hello dears, anyone want something from the trolley?" asked a woman passing by their compartment.

"Got any ramen?" asked Naruto, on seeing what was obviously a food cart.

"Afraid not, but I DO have some Chocolate Frogs," said the woman. "I had to replenish my stocks after that one compartment bought me out."

"Oh?" asked Naruto, who then deflated a bit on realizing how little money he actually had. Which was to say he didn't have any money.

"Well, have a nice trip, dearies," said the woman, going past them. "Do you mind moving, child?"

Two large boys got up from where they'd been creeping down the corridor and rushed into the compartment.

"Oh, you two again," said Naruto. He frowned as he realized if these two hit him, they'd likely dispel his henge.

"You can't beat us again," said one.

"We're ready for your tricks," said the other.

"I kinda doubt that," admitted Naruto. "Still, if you want to fight. Kage Bunshin No Jutsu!"

_BAMF!_

The two looked at the six Naruto standing there looking confident and decided that maybe they needed to rethink their strategy.

"Wait? What?" asked Naruto. "They're running away?"

"You didn't use a wand for that either," noted Hermione. "What did you do anyway?"

"My favorite jutsu... I mean spell," explained Naruto. "Multiple Shadow Clone."

Hermione reached out and touched one. Then reached out and touched another. "They're... solid? You can actually be in two places at once?"

"More like six places at once," noted Neville, who was quite capable of counting. "That's awesome."

Hermione's eyes lit up. "You could take multiple classes at the same time!"

"Uhm, I suppose," said Naruto, who had certainly never thought of that sort of application of the technique.

"You could attend your classes while sleeping in late," said Neville.

"I suppose," repeated Naruto, who didn't think that'd quite work but wasn't going to argue the point.

* * *

"Right then," said a very large fellow with a lantern at the train's stop. "First years, this way please."

"Wish I could just fly in," grumped Naruto.

"It's tradition," said Neville, still looking around for his toad. "First years have to do it the hard way. Not that the train's particularly bad."

"Why, do you have a 'jutsu' that lets you fly?" asked Hermione.

"Nah, I got a few lessons on one of them broom-thingies," said Naruto. "That was cool."

"Well, of course, not all of the students are going to be 'ninja' and have access to such things," said Hermione. "I've been over the basic spells and there's nothing really to help with that."

"After all," continued Neville. "They really managed to clean up the Express since the mold monster attacked. Even have an anti-fungal charm installed. Just don't don't use compartment twelve if you have allergies."

"I've already studied the anti-histamine spell," stated Hermione proudly.

"Just watch that one, makes you drowsy," said Neville. "My gram used it on me a few times."

"Come on, first years, don't be shy." The really big guy was waving on the group of kids. "Come on now. Hurry up. Hello, Harry."

"Hello, Hagrid."

"Oh, that must be Harry Potter then," said Neville, going to tiptoe to get a better look.

Naruto glanced over but all he saw was a bunch of kids that looked mostly the same and all dressed the same. There was a bench nearby that read 'Hogsmeade' and made him wonder why the locals liked pigs so much.

"Right then. This way to the boats. Come on, follow me."

"Takes all day to get here then got to do a boat ride, but it only took six or seven hours by broom," grumbled Naruto as he followed the little kids.

The boats were crowded, had a bit of water down at the bottom, and Naruto was absolutely convinced that there was something in the water watching them.

"There, I saw it move," said Naruto, pointing.

"That's just the giant squid," said Hagrid from two boats over, noticing the boy that was pointing. "He's just keeping an eye on you in case someone slips overboard."

"To eat?" asked Naruto, wondering if he should be ready to throw a few explosive-tipped kunai into the water just as a precaution.

"To eat? What? NO!" Hagrid fixed the boy with a stare. "Don't insult the poor thing. She's got feelings too you know."

"Uhm, right," said Naruto, sitting back down from where he'd risen to a crouch.

"And don't go rocking the boat," instructed Hagrid.

"Yes, please don't do that," Hermione instructed him from her own boat. "I'm not sure what the 'ninja' custom is - but I would prefer to be dry when we arrive at the castle."

"Hmmm," hmmmed Naruto, figuring that most of them probably didn't know the water-walking technique.

"There's no such thing as 'ninja'," scoffed the rich-looking kid he'd met while looking for a toad. "Even if there were, everyone knows the Japanese wizards don't amount to much."

"Oh boy," said Hagrid. "Look! Hogwarts Castle. See that spot there? That's where the... no. I can't tell you about that one. Too young. Uhm, that spot there on the main tower! That's where Gellert Grindenwald fought Albus Dumbledore way back in the '40s."

"1945," came Hermione's voice. "And that was in France."

"Who's telling this story?" asked Hagrid.

"So that's where we're staying? Wicked," said a ginger-haired boy.

"I thought your brothers went there, haven't you seen pictures before?" asked some other boy.

"It's different seeing it in person," complained the ginger-haired boy.

* * *

"What I want to know is. Why we don't have a magic elevator or escalator or something. Feels like we've gone up seven flights of stairs so far."

"Oi, this lot," grumbled Hagrid.

"That's about right actually, if you don't count the stairs that are inside the castle," said some girl's voice from the crowd.

"Well, at least Naruto stopped running on the walls, leaping about and all," complained Neville.

"Not my fault you guys are so slow," grumped Naruto.

"Finally the main doors," said another tired-sounding voice as they came up to where one of the teachers was waiting.

"Welcome to Hogwarts," said the teacher. "Shortly you'll pass through these doors and join your classmates. But before you take your seats, you must be sorted into your houses."

"Oh yeah, that house-thingie," said Naruto, wincing thereafter because everyone spent a moment looking at him. Including that teacher who had the sort of bit-into-something-sour look that Iruka-sensei had given him a few times. "Sorry."

"Ahem. Yes," said the teacher. "They are Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and Slytherin. While you're here, your house will be like your family. Your triumphs will earn you points. Any rule-breaking and you will lose points."

Naruto fidgeted. Different culture, so he'd likely be breaking lots of rules before he even knew there was a rule involved.

"At the end of the year," continued the teacher, "the house with the most points wins the house cup."

"TREVOR!"

"That's the scrawniest toad I've ever seen," noted Naruto as he saw Neville pounce on the thing.

"Sorry," said Neville as he retreated back to the crowd with his toad.

Naruto wondered if he could summon Gamakichi and have him talk to 'Trevor' toad-to-toad. Maybe teach him a few things.

"The Sorting Ceremony will begin momentarily," said the teacher, still with the 'bit-into-something-sour' look before she turned and walked away.

"It's true then," said the rich-looking kid with the two toadies. "What they were saying on the train. Harry Potter has come to Hogwarts."

There was a lot of muttering at that amongst the crowd.

"This is Crabbe and Goyle. And I'm Malfoy," said the kid, moving forward to stand on the step above the kid he was talking to. "Draco Malfoy."

The ginger-haired kid snickered though it looked like he was trying to hold it in.

"Think my name's funny, do you?" The rich kid looked down with a sneer at the ginger-hair. "No need to ask yours. Red hair and a hand-me-down robe? You must be a Weasley."

There was just something in that sneering nasty manner that rubbed Naruto the wrong way. Maybe it was remembering too many villagers with that attitude. In fact, Naruto realized that the rich kid wasn't seeing the ginger as a person. Now THAT he had issue with. Naruto began to move forward.

Crabbe and Goyle glanced away at the movement, saw who it was, and froze in place with their expressions changing from smirks to 'oh hell' very rapidly.

That caused Draco to glance that way and frown himself. "And our 'ninja' is here too."

"I never told ya I was a ninja," said Naruto, remembering he was supposed to be working a cover. Not that it was most likely completely hopeless to hide it at this point.

"Some half-breed wizardling from some inferior family no doubt, but you may be of use," said Draco, before turning back. "So how about it, Potter... Potter?"

"How about what?" asked Naruto, now considerably closer.

"Oh, you're over there," said Draco, noting that Potter was just a bit further away. "You'll find that some wizarding families are better than others. Better connected. Better equipped. Also just - better. You don't want to go making friends with the wrong sort."

"Huh, I'd say you're the wrong sort," said Naruto, leaning against a wall.

Draco spared a moment to glare at the foreign kid before stepping forward towards Potter. "I can help you there."

"I think I can tell the wrong sort for myself, thanks," said Potter.

"Yup," said Hagrid, still in the background watching. Something told him that if the foreign kid got into a fight with any of the other first-years, there'd be little bits of the first year they'd be fishing up from the Black Lake for the next year. There were creatures in the Forbidden Forest that had that sort of air about them. Perfectly willing to let you do whatever you want until you riled 'em up, at which point it wouldn't be pretty at all.

The teacher came back, tapped Draco on the shoulder, then indicated the doors. "This way."

* * *

Tsunade considered the photos, which seemed to depict the same minute or so being replayed constantly.

"My lady," said Shizune, looking over what was going on in one.

"Shizune. This is classified an SS-Class Secret as of NOW," said Tsunade, one finger thumping the desk with a sound of doom.

"'SS' class?!" asked Shizune.

"NOBODY gets told any of this without my direct authorization. NOBODY." Tsunade met her apprentice's eyes.

"Why?" asked Shizune.

Tsunade went over each code phrase, translating on the fly. "Mission has gone into unexpected territory. Mission has Fouled Up Beyond All Recognition. No fatalities. Not within the Five Great Shinobi Nations or Elemental Countries. They are assessing potential resources in unfamiliar territory, treating this as an infiltration mission. There was a conflict on arrival, since resolved and they are now using cover identities. The sealed documentation are these photographs."

"Yes, My Lady, I see - but why so classified for a few photographs?" asked Shizune.

Tsunade tapped down with one finger, then flicked a photograph towards her first apprentice.

"That's..." Shizune stared at it, then reached down and picked up the photo she'd seen earlier to compare the two.

"Exactly," answered Tsunade. "I just wish there was some way to send someone there."

"Why not just send back a message by toad messenger?" asked Shizune. "We could just wait for the next toad to arrive and have an outgoing message ready."

"Because we have Naruto Uzumaki and Jiraiya performing delicate diplomatic duties in that case."

Shizune tried to picture Naruto being delicate and diplomatic. The mind just failed to link those concepts.

"Though the idea about having a return message ready is good," said Tsunade, rummaging through her desk drawers. "I know I've got a blank one somewhere around here."

* * *

Naruto tried not to fidget.

"-which I read about in 'Hogwart's - A History'," bragged Hermione.

"Yeah, so it's a genjutsu huh?" asked Naruto, glancing up and trying to do that dispel thing he'd heard about. Unfortunately that and regular bunshin remained on his list of "can't do at all" jutsu.

"No, it's just an illusion," said Hermione. "No gems are involved. Well, I suppose the casting of it to make it permanent could have. It would make the stars easier to represent, I suppose. I..."

"Ahem, first years!" said the teacher with the well-practiced bit-into-something-sour look. However, she was directing it at someone other than Naruto, which made it all a lot better as far as Naruto was concerned.

"You're to be sorted into your Houses," said the teacher. "They are, as I said before, Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Slytherin, and Ravenclaw."

"Right!" said the hat on the chair. "Shall we get started?"

"Anxious, are we?" asked the teacher who'd spoken earlier. "We haven't even introduced the staff."

"Can't you do that afterwards? It always makes more sense that way," stated the hat, sounding very put upon even though it was currently not being worn. Or perhaps that was why.

"Well, I suppose," said the teacher, sounding as if she wasn't quite sure what was going on.

"Then I can get back to those lovely novels," muttered the hat to itself.

"What was that?" asked the teacher.

"Oh, nothing. Nothing at all. Just anxious to get this done and see if perhaps someone can sew up a section on the tip here. I think I'm thinning a bit there."

"Oh, yes, well," said the teacher. "Susan Bones!"

Naruto was not at all sure about this, and so was just looking around while they got this boring stuff over with.

It wasn't like anyone had even explained this stuff about these 'House' things anyway. What was the big difference?

He DID hear that 'Malfoy' kid get tossed into Slytherin House, which was represented by a snake. So kind of like Orochimaru had a house-thingie.

Everyone started whispering when the hat went onto the head of that "Harry Potter" guy and then the hat just seemed to move around a bit this way and that before it finally declared "Better be - Gryffindor!"

Which made the Gryffindor people kinda happy for some reason.

"Naruto Uzumaki."

Naruto startled as he realized that everyone else had been called. "Oh right."

The hat went onto his head.

"My goodness," said the hat in a whisper. "You're VERY Hufflepuff aren't you?"

"Is that a good thing?" asked Naruto.

"Hufflepuff are known for being hard-workers, but also being fiercely protective of their friends, and are reliable. When a Hufflepuff says they'll do something - they're most likely going to bloody well do it."

Naruto nodded slightly, not wanting the hat to fall off. "Okay. That sounds like me. What are the others?"

"Slytherin are those who seek power, who set themselves a goal and will do anything to get there."

"Sounds like an Orochimaru kind of thing," admitted Naruto.

"From what I can see in your memory, he'd have fit right in," said the hat. "Gryffindor is about bravery and often recklessness. You'd likely have fit in well there as well. Ravenclaw is about calm and planning and thinking things out. That would have been the poorest fit, I think."

"Okay then," whispered back Naruto.

"Hufflepuff it is then!" said the hat aloud.

* * *

Naruto made a face. No ramen. No rice. Lots of heavy foods with lots of meat.

"Not what you're used to, is it?" asked one of the others at the Hufflepuff table.

"Uhm, no, not at all," admitted Naruto.

"Cedric Diggory," said the older student, holding out a hand. After seeing Naruto stare at it, he prompted. "British custom. You take the hand in your own and shake it once as a form of greeting."

"Oh, right," said Naruto, feeling a bit dumb as he just hadn't connected it. "Just so much different stuff going on right now. So you're my sempai in this House thing?"

"Sempai?" asked Cedric as that term hadn't translated.

"How to explain it?" asked Naruto of himself. "Kind of like a student in a higher grade that the younger student looks up to?" Despite that he was actually older than this kid if you removed the henge.

"Yes," said Cedric with a nod. "A 'sempai' - heard that phrase before but I'm not remembering where."

"Probably some Japanese series," said a redheaded girl nearby. "I've heard the term used myself."

"Ah, Susan Bones, right?" asked Cedric.

"Right, some muggle films and series made the rounds at a school I was at." Susan picked at some fried potato dish on her plate. "I think it means 'upperclassman' or something."

"Ah, then yes, I'm your sempai then," said Cedric. "So you know the new Defense Against The Dark Arts teacher?"

"Jiraiya-sensei? Yeah." Naruto considered what he could actually tell them about him.

"So what can you tell us about him?" asked Susan Bones, quite obviously interested.

"He's... well," said Naruto. "He was the one to teach me the Rasengan."

"Raas-ehn-gahn?" asked Susan. "I see I need to keep a translation spell running around you."

* * *

"So, let me see if I've got it right," said Jiraiya. "Each of the Houses represents a quality of their founders, an element, and is otherwise a dormitory and common area for their students. The House is essentially an extended family-away-from-family that they will interact with from September to July."

"Early September to mid-July, and each Term is broken by a Half-Term Break. Autumn Term, for example, runs from the start of school to mid-December." Professor Flitwick nodded. "I take it the school system you're used to is rather more... intense?"

"Sort of," said Jiraiya. "When it was set up, there were intercessions by various clans and factions so the whole thing ended up with a lot of exceptions and limitations. Then Sarutobi got involved and re-did the system so that the rest of the students could just continue on with each clan having responsibility for teaching their own clan's spells and special techniques with allowances for that time away from the group school for such things."

"So it runs year-round then?" asked Flitwick.

"Yeah, there's a couple of holidays in there but pretty much," admitted Jiraiya. "Back to the Houses. Hufflepuff is hard work, kindness, tolerance, friendship? Also the element of earth?"

"Yes, basically," admitted Flitwick.

"Gryffindor is courage and the element of fire?" Jiraiya continued at Flitwick's nod. "Slytherin is ambition and water?"

"Yes, that's right," admitted Flitwick.

"Intelligence and creativity for the Ravenclaw, element of air?" asked Jiraiya.

"Yes, that's my own House," admitted Filius Flitwick.

"What about Lightning element?" asked Jiraiya.

"Lightning isn't an element, Mister Jiraiya," said Flitwick.

"In my land, there is," said Jiraiya, counting them off on his fingers. "Fire, Earth, Air, Water, Lightning. Everyone has a particular affinity for an element as well - and once they've gotten to the stage where they can regularly use magic they can learn and manipulate that element better than they can other elements."

"Hmmm," hmmmed Flitwick. "You know, I've noticed that some students always have more problems with certain spells than others. I wonder if this 'affinity' that you speak of could have a part in that."

"What's your affinity, Mister Jiraiya?" asked Minerva McGonagall, who'd been sitting nearby all this time.

"Primarily earth," said Jiraiya. "Though like many of my contemporaries I've also mastered a secondary and have worked at other elements to bring them up a bit."

"I would have thought fire," said Minerva, remembering an acromantula that had been fried crispy without a scorchmark on the wall behind it.

"That's one of the things I have to train Naruto in," said Jiraiya. "He has a lot of magical power, but his control is a bit shoddy."

Rolanda Hooch leaned closer from her position on the other side of McGonagall. "Be as that may, he's a natural on the broomstick. You might want to see if the boy's up to playing Quidditch."

Jiraiya tried to look thoughtful, all the while trying to remember what he'd read about it. It was a game, but he'd dismissed it after a few references because:  
1) there were NO organized sports in the Five Elemental Countries. A few contests, but even the idea of organized sports was a strange one to Jiraiya.  
2) the rules seemed improbably silly.

"Well, it doesn't matter," said Minerva McGonagall. "We'll all be busy enough settling down the classes for at least the first week."

* * *

"So what's with that one guy?"

"Uzumaki? Japanese transfer student as I understand it."

Jiraiya paused in his movement along the hallways, as he immediately wondered how much of his cover Naruto had blown.

"Oh, the 'ninja' guy. Really pathetic."

"I was kind of wondering how he was bouncing off the walls. Literally. And walking up them? He was pacing on the ceiling for crying out loud."

"Probably just some magic shoes or something."

Jiraiya nodded and passed the two without them ever detecting his presence. Best to go ahead and get things ready. Tomorrow would be a big day after all.

* * *

"At last," said the Sorting Hat as it was returned to a cabinet. "Time to read."

"Read?" asked Dumbledore. "What exactly are you reading?"

"I was having a nice chat with that Jiraiya fellow yesterday before the ceremony, I mentioned how boring it tends to be when I'm just thrown into a cupboard for months at a time. He tossed a couple of books into me that he'd written. Nice fellow."

Dumbledore raised an eyebrow. "He wrote books? Well now. I might have to take a look myself at those later. I'll leave the cupboard open a crack so you've some light."

* * *

"Greetings," said Jiraiya, sitting down at the edge of his desk and observing the class. "Welcome to 'Defense Against The Dark Arts 101' - I am Jiraiya, called by some 'The Gallant'. Any questions before we begin?"

"Yes, actually, all the paperwork we had showed a Professor Quirrell as being the teacher?" said a student.

"Oh? Herumionei Guranjure is it?" asked Jiraiya after checking a seating arrangement. Handy thing that, as soon as a student sat down - their name popped up on the paper. He'd have to find out what kind of fuuinjutsu was involved. So much to investigate!

"Hermione Granger sir," corrected the girl amongst giggles and snorts from some of her classmates.

"Still a few bugs in the translation effect," noted Jiraiya. "Well, Professor Quirrell suffered from a little run-in with the Dark Arts that he really needed better Defenses against. He's now dealing with the consequences of that and most likely will not return to teaching here."

"Oh," said Hermione.

"It's the DADA-curse," muttered one of the other students. Jiraiya glanced at the seating arrangement and noted it was the "Neville Longbottom" that he'd heard Snape mutter something uncomplimentary about.

"Actually," said Jiraiya aloud, "it's a quite understandable danger. As the course is about defending against hostile magic, you're pretty much a target of first choice FOR hostile magic. They'd want you out of the way before going after the easier targets."

"That. That actually makes sense," muttered another student that Jiraiya didn't bother to look up.

"So, don't throw away your books, we'll get to them in time," instructed Jiraiya. "Now, open question. What is the best defense against a powerful jutsu or spell being used against you?"

"Protego!" said Hermione.

"Finite Incantatem?" asked Neville.

"Stupefy," said Draco Malfoy.

"Good answers, but not the one I was looking for," said Jiraiya. "The best defense is not being where the attack is going. Avoidance should be your first instinct. Avoid the attack, giving yourself time to ascertain what the situation is, then plan what countermeasure to take. If you can completely avoid combat - great. Sometimes you can't though."

"Excuse me, Professor," said the one the seating sheet identified as Draco Malfoy. "What exactly are YOUR credentials in knowing about Dark Arts?"

"You challenging me?" asked Jiraiya, apparently cleaning one ear with a pinky.

"I heard you don't even have a wand," noted Draco, standing up and trying to assess this teacher.

"That so?" said Jiraiya, who then vanished.

"What?" asked Draco, who then squeaked like a little girly mouse when a hand came down on his shoulder from behind him.

"You lose," said Jiraiya. "In a real fight, magical or otherwise, this would be over. If your first move is to pull out and brandish your wand, that's the amount of time your opponent has to finish you off before you can ready a defense. If that enemy is using a wand - it is already out. If it's an innate ability - like an acromantula's speed and poison bite, then it may already be too late for you to respond. At which point I hope one of your friends has an anti-poison charm. Understood?"

"Yes sir," managed Draco.

"I didn't even see him move!" said one of the students.

"Understand that in my homeland I've survived a war of what you'd call wizards," said Jiraiya, moving back to the desk. "A war without front lines, without rules of combat. A war where anyone or anything could be an enemy under a disguise or camouflage. Your ally today could be your enemy tomorrow, though the reverse could also be true. I saw many promising 'wizards' and 'witches' die, their family lines dying out with them. I've seen the carrion crows coming down to feed on fields sown with human corpses and watered with blood."

There were a few shudders and a couple of the kunoichi, Jiraiya mentally corrected himself to 'witches', looked a bit pale. Good. If there were the equivalent of missing-nin and rogues they'd be more likely to survive with a bit of caution.

"How many?" asked Neville Longbottom, looking a bit pale himself.

"In the last war, the Third Shinobi World War, I myself only killed about two hundred enemy combatants," said Jiraiya. "My team-mate at the time killed over three times that. It's almost two generations later and the numbers of active personnel is still less than half what it used to be."

"'Shinobi'? Then you're with that kid who walks on ceilings?" asked a redhead. Ah, the seating chart said he was a "Ron Weasley" then.

"He's my apprentice," said Jiraiya. "I knew his parents. Both of whom died the day he was born."

"The war?" asked Ron, swallowing nervously as this brought the whole mass-dying-off thing home.

"Not quite," said Jiraiya. "Though possibly related. Naruto is admittedly a loudmouthed, overconfident, sometimes completely exasperating student. Takes after his mother like that. I expect him to be extremely powerful eventually. Like his mother and father."

"If they were so powerful, and they knew your teachings, how come they still died?" That was that Draco Malfoy kid. Give him points for not still being intimidated at least.

"Because, Draco Malfoy," said Jiraiya, meeting the young boy's gaze. "People die. Everyone does at some point. There are enemies that will wait until you are at your weakest, when you are overwhelmed by other concerns - and they will move with overwhelming force to strike you down. THAT is the environment that both I and Naruto come from. Any more questions about why I think I'm qualified to teach you about surviving?"

Draco seemed a bit subdued, seeing something in those eyes regarding him.

"So, Naruto Uzumaki lost his parents to someone using Dark Arts," muttered the person the seating chart had labelled as "Harry Potter" - oh THAT kid. "Was he marked by the event as well?"

"Yes, you could definitely say that," agreed Jiraiya softly. "He carries his own burden from that day, and it's a heavy one that only he can bear. And it was his resolve to protect others, to protect his 'precious people' - that got me to agree to take him as an apprentice. Now, I think it's time we went over the most basic defensive measures. Try to be aware of your environment at all times. If you needed to take shelter right now, an enemy throwing fireballs at you for example, what would you do?"

* * *

Naruto noticed the redhead watching him. "So, you know something about 'ninja'?"

"Just what I've seen in some anime series," said Susan Bones.

"Ah-Ni-Mei?" asked Naruto.

"Ah, it's a Japanese artform that gets exported like sushi and ramen," said Susan. "Not all wizards attend non-magical schools but I did prior to coming here. There was a club a friend of mine was in. Her mother was into it too. Cosplayer even, if you can believe it."

"Uhm, right," said Naruto, clearly lost in the terms that didn't translate.

"I saw the Ninja Scroll movie, a bit messy for my tastes," said Susan. "But I'm told not all their series are nearly so bad."

"I think I'd like to see that," said Naruto, figuring the movie probably dealt with fuuinjutsu.

"Can't do it here, no muggle technology works at Hogwarts, part of the defensive spells they've got going," said Susan. "I've been wondering how they keep from showing up on satellites though. I expect it'll be a problem in a few years."

"So where could I see this annie-stuff?" asked Naruto, more curious now that it was apparently forbidden.

"Well, Hogsmeade might be safe, that's nearby and when we have a holiday we can go down there," said Susan. "If not there, you'd have to wait for the end of school year-"

Naruto straightened up as the teacher arrived. It was that one guy from earlier.

"Uzumaki," said Professor Snape. "Know that your being a transfer student from very far abroad will not grant you any special treatment. Try to keep up."

"Right," said Naruto.

* * *

"'Ninja Scroll'?" asked Jiraiya. "Some sort of film about fuuinjutsu then?"

"I'm not entirely sure," said Naruto. "We'd have to be able to leave the school to investigate, and we can't do that cause you went and made us students!"

Jiraiya stared at Naruto.

Naruto grumped back at him.

"Naruto? There's a way around that," said Jiraiya gently.

"Huh? What?" asked Naruto.

Jiraiya stood up and made a hand seal. "Kage Bunshin No Jutsu!" _Pa-domf!_

"Eh?!" said Naruto. "What good does that do?"

"You've taken your meds today, right?" asked Jiraiya.

"Yeah, what's that got to do with it?" asked Naruto.

"So you remember that everything your clone experiences, you'll remember when that clone is dismissed, right?" asked the second Jiraiya.

"That, basically, this is a situation for a spy mission and shadow clone was MADE for spy missions," said original Jiraiya. "Now finish your homework, and in the morning make one clone and meet me near the main door. I'll just clear it with Dumbledore tonight before it gets much later."

"Oh," said Naruto.

"I'll get on that now," said Jiraiya-clone. "While I'm at it tomorrow, I think I'll try swinging by some food supplier and see if we can get some rice and other supplies. The food here is entirely too rich."

"You've got money to spend somehow?" asked Naruto.

"I've spoken with the other teachers, and I have a couple of ideas regarding that," admitted the original Jiraiya as the clone left. "Oh, and some green tea. The house elves think they can get ahold of some, but they seem really overworked. Maybe get some little candies or something we can leave out for them as thank-you notes."

"'House Elves'?" asked Naruto.

"Later, gaki. Get to your homework. We'll talk at greater length tomorrow. Or rather - our clones will. Oh, and try not to blow up any more cauldrons. They're way too pricey."

* * *

"Ah yes," said Dumbledore. "The ability to make copies of yourself that seem completely real. I'd ask you to keep this ability quiet as much as possible."

"The teachers have already seen it, Naruto tends to use it a lot," noted Jiraiya. "So you want to keep that from the students."

"There are students who are quite a handful enough without having one try to duplicate that particular spell," said Dumbledore.

"So you're worried one might work out a wand-magic version," noted Jiraiya, rubbing his jaw while he thought. "I'll speak to Naruto about it. The technique has a couple of problems in the current form that can't be overcome, so I'm not sure it's even possible to do it. No, you're right. Best not to have some of the students experimenting and seeing if they could do the same thing."

* * *

She took a deep breath, raised her wand and incanted. "Shadow Clown No Joosue!"

Absolutely nothing happened. The same as the last six times she'd tried it.

Hermione Granger frowned at the floorboards then put her wand away and tried again without it. "Shadow Clown No Joosue!"

"What exactly are you doing, bookworm?" asked one student sharing her room.

"The ninja boy used a spell to make copies of himself," muttered Hermione. "If I could do that - I could attend the assigned Divination class AND Ancient Runes. I could do my homework AND study at the library."

"You could go shopping AND sleep in late AND do the required classes," noted her roommate. "And if the teachers ever caught you - they'd assign twice the homework to keep you occupied."

Hermione blinked and frowned as she considered that. "I suppose that's possible."

* * *

Night at Hogwarts. Spooky old halls without any light except that which one carried. Portraits that were trying to sleep. A small rat scurrying along on some business of its own. The caretaker grumbling to himself as he went about his late night rounds.

The Fat Friar made his rounds. Ghosts didn't need to sleep after all. They COULD and frequently DID sleep, but the biological need for sleep had passed along with all the other parts involving having an actual biology.

"What's a 'ninja' anyway? Foreign word," muttered the Friar.

Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington frowned as he considered the term. "You know, I am not entirely certain. I believe it refers to the ancient order of knighthood that stood around saying 'nin' a lot."

"Did they walk on ceilings and such?" asked the Friar.

"They could have," noted Sir Nicholas.

"Were they the ones that were guarding that cave with that specimen of _Oryctolagus horrificus_ back in the day?" asked the Friar.

"Very likely it was them," agreed Sir Nicholas.

"Ah, the Buzzsaw Bunny," said one of the portraits on the wall as they passed it. "I remember it, like it was yesterday."

"Remember what?" asked Sir Nicholas.

"I forget," answered the portrait.

"Useless," said Sir Nicholas as the two ghosts continued moving.

"I've observed that Jiraiya fellow, who apparently can tell where I am even when I'm in a wall or possessing a statue," noted the Friar.

"Which statue? Not that one of -" Sir Nicholas' voice trailed off as he made a gesture indicating he was cradling melons to his chest.

"Oh hardly that, no not at all, wouldn't be proper," said the Friar. "That bust of Sir Patrick Delaney-Podmore."

"Oh, that," said Sir Nicholas. "Never liked that."

"Going to have to be replaced, it got decapitated by some little knife," said the Friar. "That Jiraiya fellow could tell I was there somehow and threw this little knife right through the neck of the statue. Don't think he even noticed - he was so completely engrossed in reading some First Year textbook and making notes."

"Diligence in a teacher is to be admired," said Sir Nicholas. "Especially considering some of the other sorts we've had over the years."

"True, but it doesn't seem very 'knightly' to be throwing little knives at people just because they're spying on you," said the Friar.

"You be careful now," Sir Nicholas explained to the Friar. "I've heard he sealed some malign ghost that had appeared into a little bottle and handed it off to Dumbledore to put on a shelf. I have no desire myself to be sealed away in much of anything. Think how boring that would be."

"I might not mind," said the Friar after a pause. "If it was a really good bottle of something strong. It HAS been a long time since I've been able to eat or drink. I rather miss that."

* * *

Dumbledore was curious enough, so he managed to be present.

That two other members of the facility were present was just an indication that some of the portraits were just not capable of restraining their inclination towards gossip.

Minerva McGonagall looked down from the staircase at where Professor Jiraiya was meeting up with that Uzumaki student. "So what is this about a spell that we need to-"

_POOF! POOF!_ There was abruptly two Jiraiya and two Naruto standing there.

"-try and keep restricted. Never mind," finished Professor McGonagall.

"They call it 'kage bunshin'," Dumbledore said, leaning slightly towards her but speaking in such a way that Professor Flitwick could hear as well. "Which they describe as 'shadow clone' - where they make an exact duplicate of themselves who can then report back all their experiences."

"Oh. That's not good." Professor Flitwick shook his head. "Can you imagine what it would be like with those Weasley twins if they could do that? They'd always have an alibi and be up to all sorts of mischief."

"Precisely," agreed Dumbledore.

_POOF! POOF!_

Now there was Naruto and Jiraiya, and an entirely different pair of individuals nearby.

"I didn't see them use a Polyjuice Potion, did you?" asked Professor Flitwick.

"No, I did not," said Professor McGonagall.

"Let's keep that particular spell from the general populace as well," said Dumbledore. "Though I believe that's the same one that young Naruto uses to fit in more with the First Years."

* * *

"Iruka Umino, right?" asked the Jiraiya clone in his new form, looking over Naruto's henge.

"Yeah, who's the guy you're impersonating? I don't recognize him," noted Naruto.

"Someone I saw in one of those magazines Professor Burbage reads," said Jiraiya's clone. "So I'll call you Iruka or Umino while we're on this mission. You try and act like Iruka Umino would in these situations, instead of like yourself. I'll try to act like this 'Sean Connery' fellow and answer to that name."

"Why?" asked "Iruka" with a Naruto-ish manner.

"Training," said "Sean Connery" as he raised an eyebrow at the faux-chunin. "This is a basic infiltration mission. We're going to Hogsmeade and have a look around. On an infiltration mission, you have to try and remain in character at all times. That includes answering to a name not your own."

"Gotcha," said Iruka, trying to slip into the role.

"So the real me and the real you will be going to classes," said Sean. "While we go and see what we can learn about the ninja of THIS world."

"Well, let's get going!" said Iruka eagerly.

"Does Iruka Umino ever say things like that?" asked Sean, pursing his lips and looking very skeptical.

"Oh. Right. 'Stay in character.' Gotcha." Iruka shook his head. "This is harder than it looks."

"If it was easy, civilians would do it. In fact, some DO - they're called 'actors' and we ought to get going," said Sean. "I've got enough chakra to pull off one clone for an extended period but I figure by noon I'd better dispel to cut down on mental fatigue."

"Can we fly broomsticks then?" asked Naruto.

"Nah, I haven't had time to try and learn those," said Sean. "Though I will. Once I have a better chance to study."

* * *

Author Notes: Due to problems at the Addventure, updating over there is currently impossible. Working on workarounds.

Changed the "David Tennant" bit to "Sean Connery" due to comments.

and as i've certainly hinted repeatedly, there's a translation effect that doesn't always work 100%, so Hermione IS running into problems. Considering that there's a god of mischief involved, naturally the translation gets screwed up the most when the results would be amusing to an observer.


	29. Chapter 29: DADA Jiraiya III

**Another Fistful Of Omake**

by Greylle

DISCLAIMER: Naruto from Kishimoto, the Potterverse from JK Rowling.  
NOTE: One of the ideas i came up with for redoing the Shippuden thing. This got written because of the title. Not sure how far it would go, but having Jiraiya showing his competent side (instead of his comic relief side) had some appeal.

Omake 29: Pimp DADA Jiraiya, part 3

* * *

"Iruka Umino, right?" asked the Jiraiya clone in his new form, looking over Naruto's henge.

"Yeah, who's the guy you're impersonating? I don't recognize him," noted Naruto.

"Someone I saw in one of those magazines Professor Burbage reads," said Jiraiya's clone. "So I'll call you Iruka or Umino while we're on this mission. You try and act like Iruka Umino would in these situations, instead of like yourself. I'll try to act like this 'Sean Connery' fellow and answer to that name."

"Why?" asked "Iruka" with a Naruto-ish manner.

"Training," said "Sean Connery" as he raised an eyebrow at the faux-chunin. "This is a basic infiltration mission. We're going to Hogsmeade and have a look around. On an infiltration mission, you have to try and remain in character at all times. That includes answering to a name not your own."

"Gotcha," said Iruka, trying to slip into the role.

"So the real me and the real you will be going to classes," said Sean. "While we go and see what we can learn about the ninja of THIS world."

"Well, let's get going!" said Iruka eagerly.

"Does Iruka Umino ever say things like that?" asked Sean, pursing his lips and looking very skeptical.

"Oh. Right. 'Stay in character.' Gotcha." Iruka shook his head. "This is harder than it looks."

"If it was easy, civilians would do it. In fact, some DO - they're called 'actors' and we ought to get going," said Sean. "I've got enough chakra to pull off one clone for an extended period but I figure by noon I'd better dispel to cut down on mental fatigue."

"Can we fly broomsticks then?" asked Naruto.

"Nah, I haven't had time to try and learn those," said Sean. "Though I will. Once I have a better chance to study."

* * *

"Pervy-sage?" asked "Iruka Umino" as the disguised Jiraiya turned towards a Hogsmeade shop.

"I'm going to do some research here," said the apparent Sean Connery.

"In character?" asked the disguised Naruto skeptically.

Sean sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Remember, 'Iruka' - what are our objectives here?"

"Training me?" asked Iruka.

"Plural," said Sean Connery. "Objectives plural. And yes - this is also part of your training."

Iruka pouted, which Jiraiya strongly suspected was another slip of Naruto in his disguise.

"Mission objectives?" prompted Sean.

Iruka frowned. "Maintain the henge and act as much in-character as possible, training for infiltration missions."

"Right," agreed Sean. "Here we aren't being actively menaced, so maintaining this is good experience for when you ARE being actively hunted. Next?"

"Uhm," said Iruka, continuing to think about it. "Look around, try to find information on ninja in this world."

"That's part of it, but we're also looking for as much information about this world and their special jutsu as possible," said Sean-Jiraiya. "Hogsmeade is the first civilian village we've run across."

"What about that 'Diagon Alley' place?" asked Iruka-Naruto.

"You've been there, I haven't," said Jiraiya. "From what you've said and what intel I've gathered - it's more a general marketplace than a village."

"That isn't why you're going into a porn shop," said Iruka, directing a flat look towards his sensei.

Sean shook his head. "Just when I think you've begun to mature."

"Mature does NOT mean turning into a perv!" insisted Iruka.

"I'm not too sure about that," said Jiraiya, waving the point off, "but besides that. Think about it sometime and when you come up with an answer - let me know and I'll tell you if you're right. You go and see if you can find this movie your friend in Hufflepuff talked about. I'll be researching here. We'll meet at that fountain over there in an hour."

* * *

Hermione's eyes were narrowed as she watched the teacher, trying to figure out several things at once.

"Now, yesterday," said the original Jiraiya, not knowing what his shadow clone was up to yet, "we dealt with what we call 'environmental awareness' and using the terrain to your advantage as much as possible. Today I want you to think of a second part of defending yourself."

"Spells?" asked one of the students.

"Not yet," said Jiraiya. "I'll be going over those later in the week when I've got one of the fields outside reserved for the day. One of the jutsu/spells/special manuevers of my land-"

"Wait a minute," said Neville Longbottom. "You said one word but I heard..."

"Hmmm, oh - the translation effect isn't one hundred percent - I've noticed that," admitted Jiraiya. "Which word didn't translate?"

"Jootesoo?" asked Neville.

"I can try to explain, but the translation effect might make it difficult to do that," said Jiraiya, turning around and writing something in an odd sort of runes out. "This is a phonetic spelling in my language."

"That's going to give me a headache," complained Ron Weasley. "It's like I can see it and sort of understand it, but it keeps trying to change to something else."

Jiraiya shrugged. "Trying to beat the effect is more difficult than just accepting that it works ninety nine percent of the time and seems to mess up... yes, Miss Granger?"

Hermione realized she had just gone to standing up. "Uhm. Nothing. Just realized something."

"Ah, then," said Jiraiya. "Back to the lesson. There is 'environmental awareness' - knowing where to find cover or escape if you are attacked. There is 'situational awareness' where you know the dynamics of the time and place you're in. There's awareness of yourself and your own capabilities, and there's threat assessment. This last is figuring out how good your opponent is, what they are capable of and what they're using at the moment. Most of the last will be covered when we go to the textbooks next week. This week I want to cover the most basic goal of Defense Against The Dark Arts."

"Which is?" asked Draco.

"Surviving," said Jiraiya. "That which does not kill you CAN make you stronger. It can also hurt a helluva lot. So Defense Against Dark Arts will also include some information about the trinity attack group and your roles in such."

"'Trinity attack'?" asked Draco, frowning.

"In my land, one of the optimal strategies for dealing with hostile situations is teamwork," said Jiraiya. "Using a team of three. For reasons lost to time, so don't ask me because I don't know, one of the best is known as a trinity team. One healer who keeps everyone functioning. The skilled attacker who concentrates on doing as much damage as possible to the target. The pointman who can take a beating for his allies in order to keep the healer and attacker from getting killed. My team was like that. We had one of the most skilled healers in our history, myself as the often obvious target, and a member of our team who specialized in a wide range of attack options."

The class was silent for a moment as Jiraiya wrote something else on the blackboard.

"Now there is no such thing as a perfect attack or a perfect defense," said Jiraiya as he wrote. "As soon as someone comes up with what they feel is one - someone else will work out a way of defeating it. Even an instant-death spell can be defended against if someone has an idea that it is coming."

"There's a way of defending against THAT spell?" asked Draco Malfoy, intrigued.

"Yes," said Jiraiya. "I found out about that particular spell, and it's been around awhile. Naturally, someone DID find a defense against it. Though the first and best defense is to keep someone from trying to use it against you as the defense itself is a one-shot deal that requires preparation ahead of time."

"I thought that only dodging it was an option," mused Draco, quite curious now.

"There are two other methods that I've run across," said Jiraiya as he continued to write. "One Mister Potter here has experienced. Sacrificial Protection is referred to as the reason he survived that night. The other I will cover later in the year."

Jiraiya backed away from the board. "Now here we go. Stages of response you should consider. First, avoid. Second, observe. Third, assess. If you're experienced in battle, you can do all three of these at once. Then you come to your first choice. Escape or retribution. If you can escape, go with that. You're not at war, not pursued by squads trying to kill you. Escape is your best option. If it is not available, then you strike back. I read an account of two wizards trying to shoot the wands out of each other's hands. If someone is actively trying to kill you, put such ideas out of your head and strike back HARD. The life you save may not just be your own."

"But there are spells for disarming an opponent," protested Neville.

"Yes there are, and there are counterspells and measures," said Jiraiya. "They may have a back-up wand. They may, as I, not actually NEED a wand to kill you. In any case, I'm arranging for practical demonstration and practice for next week. Each of you know some basic spells already. Choose one for offense, one for defense, and practice. That and looking at your environment and figuring out how to use it."

"Wait half a tick," said Ron. "This is beginning to sound like a test."

"Very good, Mister Weasley," said Jiraiya with a nod. "That is exactly what it is. And I've managed to get ahold of a few surprises for you at that."

* * *

"May I help you?" asked the shopkeeper.

"Uhm, what just happened?" asked Naruto.

"A simple glyph on the door to dispel disguises," said the shopkeeper. "Well, at least you're not a Weasley."

"That's good?" asked Naruto, back to looking like himself and around fifteen years in appearance.

"Considering what they've done in here before, that's damn bloody wonderful," said the shopkeeper. "There's something else odd about you but it's not a disguise."

"I'm not from around here," tried Naruto.

The shopkeeper took out some odd glass and peered through it. "My word. You certainly aren't, are you? You're also some sort of magical doppleganger. How interesting. I'll have to write this up for the Professor."

"Professor?" asked Naruto. "Look. Maybe I should just leave."

"Oh no, don't do that," said the shopkeeper. "Most interesting customer I've had all day. Have to mention this to Professor Elemental for certain, he'll be quite fascinated."

"Oh," said Naruto. "Uhm, I'm actually over at Hogwarts right now. I just wanted to, uhm-"

"Look over the shops before break comes up?" asked the shopkeeper. "You're not the first, you know. The Weasley twins did something similar in their second year as I recall. There was also a few others who snuck out at night to window-shop."

Naruto didn't ask why anyone would shop for windows at night, he just assumed it was another case of that weird translation jutsu Jiraiya had mentioned screwing up.

"Well, welcome, young sir to Tomes and Scrolls! I am Davyd Balliwick, scrivner third class!"

"Oh, Naruto Uzumaki. Hogwarts student I guess. You have anything on ninja?"

"Oh?" asked Davyd. "Hobby?"

"Kind of a professional interest," answered Naruto.

* * *

Hermione jotted down a few notes, consulting her books, and then back again.

"Wha'cha up to? Homework?" asked Ron Weasley, glancing over at it.

"Professor Jiraiya stated that he's got a 'translation' spell of some kind running, but that it's far from perfect," stated Hermione, looking up at the ceiling and sounding heavily distracted.

"Right, like sometimes his mouth movements don't quite match up with what he's saying," said Ron with a nod.

"Oh, you caught that?" asked Harry.

"Yeah, I got an Uncle twice removed or something, up in the Scottish Moors somewhere," said Ron with a shrug. "Has more of a brogue than Professor McGonagall when he comes visit. Got a pendant that makes him understandable, just a bit."

"Translator pendants," said Hermione with a nod. "Found those already, but this is an active spell."

"Why are you researching that, it ain't enough it works?" asked Ron.

"Because both the Professor and his apprentice have access to entirely new spells and effects," said Hermione.

"Doppelganger spell?" asked Ron.

"The what?" asked Hermione, shocked at the concept that Ron might know a spell she didn't.

"Doppelganger spell," said Ron. "The twins researched it a bit ago, gave up on it because of some weirdness they won't talk about. I think they said they came up with it because of something called the 'Gem and all Curse' or something."

Hermione blinked at him for a moment. "Gemino Curse?"

"Yeah," said Ron around a mouthful of sandwich. "That's it."

"I see," said Hermione. "If you remember any details, I'd be VERY interested."

Ron swallowed. For some reason, when Hermione started getting all enthused about something, she seemed to be very difficult to say 'no' to. "I'll try."

* * *

"Now where could it be?" asked Davyd.

"You asking me?" asked Naruto.

"No, actually," said Davyd. "Accio 'Volo's Guide To Wizarding Japan'!"

A book leapt from the shadows of a top shelf to land in the shopkeeper's hand.

"Pardon me, this one always seems to turn up in unlikely spots," said Davyd. "Yes. 'Volo's Guide To Wizarding Japan' - I believe this has what you're looking for."

"Who is this 'Volo' guy anyway?" asked Naruto.

"Wizard of course," said Davyd. "French I think. World traveler back in the sixties and seventies. Took an arrow to the knee back a few decades. Company took over his business, that of writing travel guides, maybe a decade ago. Kept his name on the series because everyone was familiar with them by that point. This one was updated just two years ago so it's probably still accurate."

"So, this has information on ninja in it?" asked Naruto.

"I believe so," said Davyd, whispering a word thereafter and tapping the book with his wand. Pages flipped around. "Yes, there are several mentions of ninja within the text."

"Oh?" asked Naruto.

* * *

"Well, Pervy-sage?" asked Naruto an hour later.

"No plot, plenty of sex, but characters that are completely two-dimensional, and a distinct lack of humor," said Jiraiya.

"So, basically, porn," said Naruto.

"Unfortunately, that's what this world has," said Jiraiya.

"Isn't that what your books are... YIKES!"

The shadows had congealed over Jiraiya, his eyes gleaming spotlights that seemed to pin him to the cobblestone street, as Jiraiya LOOMED over him.

That held for a moment before the effect faded out and Jiraiya just sat on the edge of the fountain and looked OLD and tired for a moment.

Naruto was off-balance and not entirely sure how to handle the abrupt changes in atmosphere.

"A simple porn novel wouldn't be a best-seller," said Jiraiya, sounding VERY old and tired. "A simple pornographic novel such as they have here wouldn't be read and re-read by people. They'd just throw it away after one use."

"Uhm, right," said Naruto, not understanding this mood at all.

"I wrote a serious novel once," said Jiraiya, looking off to the side and apparently not seeing Naruto at all. "My first effort. I put in everything. My blood, my sweat, my tears. I had pathos, tragedy, and I put forth my philosophy in there. The Will Of Fire and my hopes for peace."

"Uhm," said Naruto.

"It didn't sell at all well," said Jiraiya. "Then I came up with Icha-Icha. It sold. It sold very very well."

"But... it's just porn, right? Kakashi-sensei read that all the time and giggled. So it's okay, I suppose," tried Naruto, though even he could tell that his words were NOT helping as Jiraiya seemed to sag in place.

"I'm going to dispel, Naruto," said Jiraiya finally. "Apparently Hogsmeade doesn't really have that many shops and none of them have this 'annie-may' stuff."

"Yeah, well, I found a book about the local ninja, so I'll have to go back to school the long way," said Naruto.

"Right," said Jiraiya before disappearing in a puff of smoke.

* * *

Jiraiya shook his head at the memories. How odd. The wizarding world had pornographic novels that displayed the same weird looping scenes over and over again. Some of the scenes had been just a bit odd. Some of them had him wanting to use a Rasengan on everyone involved.

Jiraiya had just discovered the concept of 'squick' and that there were vices that were beyond anything he'd ever encountered.

"Professor?" asked a student.

"Oh sorry, psychic feedback," said Jiraiya, rubbing at his forehead. "What was your question again?"

"Do I have your permission to run an experiment to see if your ninja-magic can be duplicated by wand-magic?" asked the girl.

"Keep me informed of the results, but I would suggest starting with the teacher in charge of your House. Then go to the teacher whose specialty is most like the ninjutsu you're trying to duplicate," said Jiraiya, making sure that there were others who could stop it if it violated their various rules. "If both give their permission, talk to me again and I'll consider it."

"Right away, Professor," said Hermione Granger.

* * *

Author Notes: As Lyner and others have pointed out, as per my own acknowledgement in the notes - i'm not even close to an expert on the Potterverse. So, to appease the critics, this is the last i'll muck about in that particular -verse. As always, anyone wanting to take this over can feel free - just let me know about it so i can link it in.

Planned directions:

The development of the Clone Potion would end up with several odd results over the next several days. The first attempt would end up with something akin to Spring Of Drowned Girl from Ranma 1/2, affecting Harry. When they go to see Snape after this mishap to see what can be done about it, the Professor is essentially sent in teary-eyed shock as Harry-ette STRONGLY resembles his mother.

Character Development ensues.

The Clone Potion project is put on hold for a bit, and when Hermione tries it again - she ends up with four different Hermione that all have a different part of her personality dominating. Character Development and Hilarity Ensues.

The book-shade of Voldemort and other horcrux aspects occur, particularly after the third year where Peter Pettigrew manages to free the bottled Voldemort from the sake jar. However, the addition of the two ninja at the school further derails things.

The Death Eaters, who don't bother to conceal themselves at first, start dying as Jiraiya doesn't have a particular problem with sneaking up behind an armed and hostile ninja and stabbing them in the back of the head.

At the end of the third year, Naruto and Jiraiya return back to the Elemental Nations via reverse-summoning with the toads.


	30. Chapter 30: Gaming the System

**Another Fistful Of Omake**

by Greylle

DISCLAIMER: Original series belong to someone else.  
NOTE: There are several takes on the Naruto - The Video Game concept, most of which i've found amusing. As far as i can tell - Chibi-Reaper did it first. Though the idea of being trapped in a videogame is pretty old - Tron did it first i think. Sorry "Sword Art Online" fans, but it wasn't SAO that originated the concept.

Wanted to try my hand at it, but with the Anime Addventure bugged and my own easily discouraged nature with the amount of critics. (shrug) Perhaps it would be best to let someone else give it a go.

Uses the initial setup of the shrine from the Blue Lantern omake.

Omake 30: Gaming The System

* * *

They had been going towards Wave Country, guarding an old bridgebuilder. At the end of the first day, there had been a rainstorm and they'd taken shelter at a shrine just off the road.

The little priest in charge had been odd, but then again they were ninja so odd wasn't all that uncommon.

A god of chaos, mischief, and trickery. Again, being as they were ninja - none of this was particularly odd. That it was a cat instead of a fox was the oddest thing about it really.

Kakashi stirred as voices interrupted his sleep schedule. Really, it was fine that Naruto talked to the priest during his turn at watch, but did he HAVE to be so loud doing it?

Then there were the images and a very different voice answering Naruto, and Kakashi realized that things were about to get very out-of-hand.

* * *

"**As you practice and develop, your new kekkei genkai will also develop,**" said the cat-being.

"It's a bloodline?" asked Kakashi.

"**Yes. So from now on the Uzumaki bloodline has its high stamina, healing talent, longevity, talent for fuuinjutsu, and this ability as well. The Weapon Master.**"

"Weapon? Like kunai?" asked Naruto. "I can already throw kunai."

"**No. The first abilities are Scan and Reinforce. When your opponent has a weapon you can use Scan to determine what special properties it has. Reinforce makes your own weapon harder to break. Eventually you'll learn Repair and Copy. Repair to fix broken weapons or restore them to a like-new condition. Copy to learn weapons techniques that another is using. Eventually you'll be able to Manifest - the ability to create temporary versions of weapons you've used Scan on.**"

"That really doesn't fit Naruto too well," said Kakashi. "He's more prone to charging in and getting over his head."

"Kakashi-sensei, that's mean," protested Naruto.

"Perhaps, but it's true," said Kakashi. "Dog walking and ending up in a minefield? Clearing a field and pulling the crops with the weeds? Painting a fence, and also the sidewalk, the client, and two passerby?"

"Well..." said Naruto, grimacing at the memories.

"**Well, I'd give it to Tenten if I had a better excuse. She really deserves something for being on a team run by Gai and with Lee and Neji being her teammates.**"

"Anyone who has Gai for a sensei really does deserve something good happening to them," admitted Kakashi.

"**But this way it'll leave a possibility of Tenten being interested in Naruto, so that'll be interesting to see if it develops.**"

"How would she even know?" asked Kakashi.

* * *

"Hmph, ridiculous," said Neji.

"Something in the paper today?" asked Tenten, noting that Neji was practicing his Byakugan by reading different pages in a newspaper that was still folded up.

"The Uzumaki brat that was in the last class to graduate," explained Neji. "One of the genealogists that the various clans access came up with some findings regarding that 'deadlast' - that his ancestry may contains a Weapon Master kekkei genkai."

"Sounds intriguing," admitted Tenten. "What's it do?"

* * *

"**Oh, there are ways.**"

"I don't suppose you can give him some self-control?" asked Kakashi.

"**Where's the fun in that?**"

"I take it back, both of you are mean," sulked Naruto.

"You're saying you could make Naruto less prone to charging in and messing up?"

"**If I stirred myself to it, I could make it so that Sasuke Uchiha had been born a girl and thought Naruto was cute.**"

"Let's not go there," said a creeped-out Naruto.

"**I could make it so that Sakura was only interested in other girls, or that Hinata was of the branch family of the Hyuga, or Jiraiya wrote cookbooks, or that Orochimaru had a catgirl fetish. I could change Sakura from 'tsundere' to 'cute bookworm' or a 'dojikko' or maybe something less used like a 'samurai-ko' type.**"

"Who?" asked Naruto.

"What?" asked Kakashi.

"**Why? Is that YOUR wish, Kakashi Hatake?**"

"If I had a wish," said Kakashi drily, "I'd wish that Obito and Rin were back. Since that's impossible -"

_BAMF!_

"Wha- what?" asked the young girl with the marks on her cheeks. "Where?"

Kakashi stared, slowly reaching up and uncovering his Sharingan, then slowly covering it back up.

"**I couldn't do Obito because he's not dead.**"

Naruto watched as Kakashi's visible eye rolled up and he fainted.

"Uhm," said Naruto. "Hi. Naruto Uzumaki here. Hidden Leaf village."

"Rin Nohara, also Hidden Leaf..." Rin looked around. "Any idea what's going on?"

"Yeah, but I'm not making a whole lot of sense out of it," said Naruto.

"**I'm going to show you one weapon. Of a sort. Scan it.**"

"Okay!" said Naruto, ready for awesome jutsu.

* * *

"Pika pi, pikachu!"

"Ungh," said Naruto.

"Well, he's waking up."

"Pikaaaa!"

"That hurt, ya know," said Naruto, slowly opening his eyes.

"Pika!" said the pikachu.

"Yeah, you're considered a weapon," said Naruto. "See, Toltiir decided that just doing weapons was too close to someone else's thing, so he made it a bit different."

"Pika?" asked the pikachu.

"Do you mean you actually understand this pudgy..." Sasuke indicated the yellow blob with the rabbit ears.

"Pika!" said the pikachu, frowning up at Sasuke.

"Oooh, what you said," said Naruto, rubbing his forehead.

"So, what exactly is..." Rin pointed at the creature.

"That is a pikachu," said Naruto. "A pokemon. A creature from an entirely different set of universes."

"Looks pretty useless," began Sasuke.

"Pikachu, ThunderShock," said Naruto. "But not enough to hurt him. Much."

"Pika!" said the pikachu enthusiastically before going ahead and doing what it had wanted to do for awhile now.

_KA-ZAAAAAAAAAAAAP!_

Kakashi blinked. "That was a Lightning attack."

"No kidding," said the slightly crispy Sasuke on the floor.

"So, your 'weaponmaster' jutsu lets you scan creatures that are weapon-grade and then manifest them?" asked Rin.

"Yeah," said Naruto.

"Pika!" said the pikachu.

"What else?" asked Sakura, torn between gushing over how cute the creature was and berating it for zapping Sasuke.

"Well," said Naruto.

The pikachu adjusted his orange jacket and little Konoha headband. "Pi pi pika pi pi chu."

"Yeah, it does look good on you," admitted Naruto.

"Where did he get the jacket? Where did he get the headband?" asked Sakura.

"Pipi chu pika pi."

"He's right, Sakura-chan," said Naruto. "You shouldn't try to overanalyze these things, it'll just give you a headache."

"You're using words like 'overanalyze'?" asked Sasuke, briefly wondering if Naruto had been replaced.

"Pi."

"Oh," said Sasuke, deducing that Naruto had been quoting the little yellow thing.

"I can also do this," declared Naruto, making a hand-sign.

The pikachu faded out. Something else faded in.

"Cool!"

Sakura, Naruto, and Kakashi all stared at Sasuke for a moment.

Sasuke recovered, coughed into a fist, and looked away from the new creature.

"Um, right," said Naruto, a bit uncertain. Had Sasuke gotten all sparkly-eyed and... no. Couldn't have been. "Dark Phoenix Hatchling. A flying/fire type."

"Might be useful for scouting," noted Rin.

"Why is it dressed like Sasuke?" asked Sakura, noting that it was wearing a Konoha headband and blue shirt much like Sasuke.

"Oh, anyone I defeat - I can then summon their counterpart," said Naruto. "And now..."

The Dark Phoenix Hatchling faded out. Nothing appeared though.

"Whatta ya mean I'm too low level?!" asked Naruto aloud.

"What did you try to summon?" asked Kakashi.

"According to this list," said Naruto, pointing at a spot in the air that didn't look any different from anywhere else, "I've defeated Sasuke, the Hokage, Mizuki, and my pikachu is listed as 'starting' and I should be able to summon their animal. I tried to summon the Hokage's and it wouldn't let me!"

"Well," said Kakashi thoughtfully. "That makes sense. The Hokage would be a high-level summons."

"WHEN did you defeat me, dobe?" asked Sasuke.

"When I tied you up and left you in the bathroom on team assignment day I guess," said Naruto, staring at the air. "That would explain the 'unlock' date."

"That shouldn't count," protested Sasuke.

"What is Mizuki's 'counterpart'?" asked Kakashi.

A large bull appeared in the room.

"A tauros," said Naruto.

"Looks like a bum steer," said Sakura.

The tauros glared at Sakura in response.

"Hmmm, big enough that Tazuna could ride it, which would allow us to speed up our trip," noted Kakashi. "Potentially useful."

The tauros snorted.

"No forehead protector," said Sakura.

"Well, Mizuki was found to be a traitor and his status revoked," said Kakashi. "So that makes a certain degree of sense. Still wearing a chunin vest so not sure about that."

"Somehow," said Sasuke, sounding quite thoughtful. "We have to get Naruto to defeat more opponents."

"Eh?!" asked Naruto. Sasuke wanted him to get stronger?

"The more of these you have, the more adaptable you'll be, and if that happens - I won't have to carry you like so much deadweight," noted Sasuke aloud.

Naruto twitched and glared at Sasuke.

"Where the heck would we find some ninja that Naruto could beat?" asked Sakura.

"Hmmm," hmmmed Kakashi, thinking.

"Hmmm," hmmmed Sasuke, pondering as he looked in Sakura's general direction.

"Hmmm," hmmmed Rin, looking directly at Sakura.

"Yeah, it's not like we're going to get some enemies I can beat up around here," said Naruto, looking at Tazuna.

Tazuna finished taking a drink from some bottle and put that away quickly. He was not liking the tension in the air.

* * *

A brief snippet of music played.

Rin and Team 7 all looked at Naruto.

"I don't get it," said Naruto, pointing at a section of air as far as everyone else was concerned. "What does it mean 'Random Encounter'?"

"It's like a video game?" asked Sakura, putting earlier comments together with this. "What does it say?! Exactly!"

"Uhm, it says, 'Random Encounter' and there's a couple of numbers but they're moving so fast I can't see 'em?" asked Naruto.

"Okay, got it," said Sakura, drawing a kunai and brandishing it. "I know what's going on."

"Does this actually make sense to you?" asked Sasuke.

"Yes, this new ability of Naruto's was set up at a temple for a god of mischief," said Sakura. "So it's operating like a video game. Probably because it suspected one of us would be familiar with the idea and it would get us participating with the madness instead of just being dragged along. Naruto, later I want you to try and find a 'Settings' menu. For now - just let me know when the numbers stop moving."

"Uhm. Okay..." said Naruto. "Ah. They just did. It came up '90' and 'Shellder'?!"

"'Shellder'?" asked Sakura.

"I dunno," said a heavily perspiring Naruto. "Uhm, ah. Maybe. Pikachu?"

The dressed-like-Naruto pikachu appeared. "Pika pi pika chu!"

A clam-like creature thumped to the ground, wearing a 'Kiri' headband.

"'Expy of Gedo Hamaguri' - or so it says," said Naruto. "'Minor character killed off during Chunin Exam arc.'"

"There are 'minor characters' in these games?" asked Sasuke, also brandishing a pair of kunai but glancing towards Sakura who at least seemed to have SOME clue as to current events.

"Yes, I..." Sakura began, but then realized that Sasuke was depending on her and looking to her as an expert. On video games. "Not that I play video games! I gave those up years ago!"

The Shellder shot a blast of water, missing the pikachu and hitting Sakura directly in the face.

"Pikachu, thundershock!" called out Naruto, thinking that a scene of extreme violence against a shellfish was about to be committed.

"PIKA!" complied the pikachu, throwing a lightning bolt at the water pokemon. Which keeled over.

Sakura spluttered and parted the wet hair, then sluiced water out of her eyes. When she could see again, there was a defeated Shellder in the path.

"All right, I caught another one!" said Naruto. "It looks like I can summon..."

"SHANNARO!" yelled Sakura, kicking the shellfish and causing it to fly far away.

"WHAT?! It says 'capture incomplete' and 'lost Shellder'?!" said Naruto, again pointing to a message only he could see.

Sakura stopped gritting her teeth and looking peeved. "What?"

"Nice going," groaned Sasuke. "Well, THAT was certainly pointless."

Sakura took a deep breath, visibly calming down. "Okay. Naruto. Is there anything like a menu that you can see?"

"Um, no?" asked Naruto.

"Are you looking at a little square screen that has information on it?" asked Sakura.

"Well, there's one that keeps popping up here," said Naruto, pointing at a spot off to his right.

"Try saying 'Settings' then," said Sakura, thinking about it.

"'Settings'?" asked Naruto, who then blinked. "Whoa. Something came up."

"What does it say?" asked Sakura.

"It says 'settings' and then it has a bunch of junk on this side," said Naruto.

Sakura walked up and punched Naruto in the head. "Exactly. What EXACTLY does it say?"

"Naruto is not terribly detail oriented Sakura," said Kakashi softly.

"Meaning he tends to charge straight ahead and plan accordingly," said Sasuke, using the opportunity to snark on Naruto. "If you can call that a plan, that is."

"Uhm, 'audio alert' is on, 'permit random encounters' is on, 'hints' is off, 'tutorial' is off," began Naruto.

"Turn off the 'permit random encounters' until we're done with the mission," said Sakura.

"Uhm, how?" asked Naruto.

"Try touching where it says 'on'," suggested Sakura.

"Hey that did it!" exclaimed Naruto. "You know a lot about this sort of thing Sakura!"

"Well, I generally prefer a different genre but this seems like it's a straightforward -" began Sakura proudly until she noticed Sasuke watching. "Not that I do anything as immature as play videogames! Not since my third year in the Academy!"

Sasuke sighed, rubbing his forehead as if he felt a headache coming on for whatever reason.

"A straightforward what?" asked Kakashi.

"Monster raising and training game like 'Monster Farm Deuteronomy' or maybe a Sim-style game like Sim-civilian," said Sakura. "Not that I know anything about those. I think I saw Ino play one once."

"Uh huh," said everyone else but Rin.

"What else is there or is that it?" asked Sakura of Naruto.

* * *

If you checked, Sakura Haruno had two hobbies. Trivia games and medical studies, though the latter only was true after Tsunade's return to the village.

That she had played some video games, themselves the result of the occasional misfire from trying to summon useful equipment, was not something she was proud of due to a perception that such was uncool and immature and therefore something to conceal from her crush. Nonetheless, she HAD and now could put that information to use.

Sakura therefore listened to the settings and had specific instructions for Naruto.

"Turn the 'hints' to 'on'," said Sakura. "Since it's weird just watching you do stuff to thin air - turn on physical interface."

"Okay," said Naruto.

"Is there a 'Save'?" asked Sakura.

"Uhm, yeah. Down at the bottom. 'Save Changes'?"

"Hit that." Sakura waited for Naruto to do so.

A box appeared on Naruto's belt.

"Ah HAH!" said Sakura, pouncing. Unfortunately her fingers went straight through it. "CRAP!"

"Eh?" asked Naruto, picking the box off his belt. "What's this?"

"A Wintendo DX Portable Gaming System," said Sakura. "There's only seven of them in Konoha. When they got these there are only six game chips they got at the same time. 'Sim-civilian', 'Monster Ranch Deuteronomy', 'FIPA Soccer', 'Call Of Honor', 'Angry Critters', and 'Mahjong Master.' There was a seventh, 'Duel Deck Deus' - but it was broken by one of the girls in the Academy."

"Huh," said Naruto, tapping on the controls.

"Hold it where I can read it," Sakura instructed Naruto. "Okay. I can't touch it - but I can read the screen."

What followed was Sakura rapidly giving Naruto commands to "open this" or "touch that" or "hit that arrow" or "bring this section down" or "see if that brings up a hint" or similar comments.

In the meantime, Rin took up a position near Tazuna and made several comments about his health and how he should get more exercise and drink less. Tazuna's responses were less than enthusiastic.

Kakashi listened but kept an eye on the surroundings, with Sasuke deciding to follow his sensei's lead.

"Okay, got the basics," said Sakura, stepping away from Naruto and the box, then going into quiet thinking for awhile as she figured out her report.

"Sakura?" prompted Kakashi.

"Okay," repeated Sakura finally. "The game that whatever-it-was put together is really complex. The centerpiece, main game, deals with Naruto having a sum-mon. This is a creature based partly on a creature type somewhere else in the multiverse and partly on someone that Naruto has either defeated or has assisted in the defeat of. Better chance of getting a sum-mon if he was the only one defeating the opponent."

"'Multiverse'?" asked Sasuke.

Sakura was clearly still distracted by her findings, as she wasn't paying attention to Sasuke and just answered off-handedly. "Multiple universes, parallel dimensions, alternate worlds. Some high-level summoning techniques access those but aren't easily controllable and have a huge chakra cost. Anyway, the main game deals with Naruto doing that. There are several mini-games or side-games which can be accessed as well."

"Mini-games?" asked Kakashi.

"There's a 'dating-sim' sort of game that can be activated, and Naruto - DON'T," said Sakura, raising a fist to indicate that if she caught him doing so there would be immediate and violent results.

"Eh?" asked Naruto, who hadn't even thought about that.

"There's also 'Clan Builder' - which is locked," continued Sakura. She hesitated on the next part, which caused some concern on Sasuke's part when he saw the furtive glance sent his way.

* * *

"Let's see," said Sakura, quite aware of Rin watching over the client. Also of Kakashi-sensei looking over her shoulder, Naruto glancing at her every so often, Sasuke glancing every so often but also watching their environment while flipping a kunai up and down in one hand. "Tap here."

Naruto Uzumaki.  
[History][Special Abilities][Inventory][Skills & Traits]  
[Status][Pets][Mounts]

"Now hit the 'Skills and Traits' section," instructed Sakura.

Skills & Traits - Naruto Uzumaki  
Chakra Control - 0.5  
Hand Seals - 1  
Intelligence - 1  
Speed - 2  
Stamina - 4  
Strength - 2

Bojutsu - 0  
Fuuinjutsu - 0  
Genjutsu - 1  
Kenjutsu - 0  
Kyokugei - 1  
Ninjutsu - 2  
Shurikenjutsu - 1  
Taijutsu - 1.5  
Trapmaking - 1  
Uzumaki Style Gusari-do - 0, Not Learned.  
Uzumaki Style Taijutsu - 0, Not Learned.

Bunshin - 0 (Chakra Control insufficient)  
Henge (Hensojutsu) - 2  
Kawarimi - 0.5  
Oiroke - 3  
Tajuu Kage Bunshin No Jutsu - 2

-TRAITS-  
Eat Ludicrous Amounts Of Ramen - 2  
Dodge Like A Maniac - 1  
Selective Blindness - 1  
Uzumaki bloodline (Stamina, Longevity, Recovery, Fuuinjutsu Talent)  
Jinchuriki (Kyubi) (stage 1, Class IV seal)  
Will Of Fire

-DISADVANTAGES-  
Hunted by Akatsuki  
Hunted by Orochimaru  
Animosity Of Village (General Populace) -10 Reputation  
Wears Orange

5 pts available. Spend points?

"You have two points in eating ramen?!" demanded Sakura.  
"I see you need work on your chakra control," noted Kakashi.  
"Why is wearing orange a disadvantage?" complained Naruto.  
"He has a bloodline?" asked Sasuke, wondering why he hadn't heard that or seen any evidence prior. Yes, Rin had said something like that - but he'd dismissed it as a possibility after initial consideration.  
"I see," said Rin, nodding.  
"I don't understand half of that," complained Tazuna.

Of course, everyone spoke almost simultaneously. This was followed by a pause.

"Why are these lines fuzzy?" asked Sakura finally. She pointed to a particular line which looked as if the light was scrambled right there to her.

"It's an S-Class secret," said Kakashi, wondering if he had to kill the client to block the image.

"What's going on?" asked Tazuna, sticking his pinky in his ear and waggling it. "Why is it I can't read most of that like it's gone all fuzzy, and why do you keep speaking but I can't hear anything?"

Kakashi eyed him. "'Jinchuriki'?"

"Did you say something?" asked Tazuna. "I could have sworn I saw your mouth move under that mask."

"So there is a security feature," said Kakashi. _Tazuna isn't a member of the 'party' and is blocked from learning most of this?_

"What's a 'jinchuriki?" asked Sakura. "'Power of human sacrifice'?"

Kakashi startled, then facepalmed. _Whereas a party member might be directly censored but not INdirectly censored._

"Nice going, Kakashi-sensei," muttered Naruto.

"S-Class secret," said Kakashi. "You aren't allowed to ask about that. Or discuss it. You can't even dream about telling yourself it."

"Who is 'Akatsuki'?" asked Naruto.

"No idea," admitted Kakashi.

"Try going back and pulling up my stats," said Sakura. "That way we can get a comparison."

Skills & Traits - Sakura Haruno  
Chakra Control - 3  
Hand Seals - 4  
Intelligence - 3.5  
Speed - 1  
Stamina - 1  
Strength - 0.5

Bojutsu - 0  
Fuuinjutsu - 0  
Genjutsu - 3  
Kenjutsu - 0  
Kyokugei - 2  
Ninjutsu - 1.5  
Shurikenjutsu - 1.5  
Taijutsu - 1  
Trapmaking - 2

Bunshin - 2  
Henge (Hensojutsu) - 2  
Kawarimi - 1  
Ikebana - 1

-TRAITS-  
Harumori bloodline (latent - pink hair)  
Obsession with Sasuke Uchiha

-DISADVANTAGES-  
Intelligence Deficit Disorder when distracted by thoughts of Sasuke Uchiha

2 pts available. Spend points?

"WHAT?!" declared Sakura, pointing at the disadvantage. "I DO NOT!"

"Uhm, actually," said Sasuke. "I've noticed that."

"No!" said Sakura, automatically denying it even if it DID come from Sasuke.

Sasuke watched her out of the corner of his eye. Actually, he HAD noticed but it was a minor thing and it generally only happened when there weren't other things going on. It WAS annoying though and perhaps knowledge of the trait would allow her to overcome the weakness? Except she was now apparently trapped in some loop where she was staring at him and then at the screen and then back. Ah, now she was slumping in place with a crestfallen expression.

"Wow, so you have a latent bloodline?" asked Naruto. "And your hand seal score is way up there."

"I wonder if this is a five point or a ten point scale," pondered Kakashi. He thought from what he'd seen, most likely it was a ten-point scale.

Sakura finally decided something. "Close mine. Open yours again. Go here. Hit the plus mark there."

Intelligence +1  
Intelligence = 2: Average  
Removing Learning Disability

"Now save the changes," said Sakura.

"I've still got four points," noted Naruto as he did it.

"Do you feel any different?" asked Sakura.

"No?" asked Naruto.

"Great, it doesn't do anything," said Sasuke.

"Try putting a point here in 'Chakra Control' and a point in 'Strength' - then try saving again," said Sakura, encircling one of Naruto's upper arms with one hand.

"Fine fine," grumbled Naruto, doing that and then hitting save changes.

"WHOA!" said Sakura, practically leaping backwards.

"Hmmm?" asked Kakashi.

"I felt that," said Sakura. "If you were just looking you might not notice, but I felt his muscles growing."

"Eh? So it does do something?" asked Sasuke, now wondering what HIS information said about him. If it made him stronger now, he'd take it - even if it was a cheat. No, he was a ninja - he'd do it especially if it was a cheat.

"I don't really feel different," mumbled Naruto, checking himself out as best he could.

"Pull mine back up again," said Sakura. "I've got two points, let's see..."

Everyone waited for a few moments as Sakura was clearly lost in thought, mumbling to herself as she did.

"One point in Strength since that's my lowest score," said Sakura after working things out, her tone thoughtful. "Since there are half-points, go ahead and put half a point in Speed and half a point in Stamina."

"Huh," said Naruto as he tapped his way through those values.

"Now, save the changes," said Sakura, bracing herself for what she expected to be an unpleasant sensation.

[Saving Changes.]

"Ngahhh," said Sakura, practically wilting.

"Wow, it didn't hurt me at all when I did it," noted Naruto.

Sakura immediately recovered and started checking herself out, hoping that she hadn't suddenly become muscle-bound or something. No indication of such, though she DID notice her muscle-tone had improved.

Tazuna grumbled about not being a 'selectable character' and possibly getting a 'arthritis disadvantage' bought off. He was ignored by everyone else.

"We'll check Sasuke later," decided Kakashi. "For now, put 'random encounters' back on."

"Huh? Why? Won't that slow us down?" asked Naruto.

"True, and that WAS one concern," said Kakashi. "However, this 'game' seems to involve both ourselves and those pets getting stronger-"

"You want him to powerlevel," stated Sakura.

"If that's what it is called," agreed Kakashi.

"Hmmm," said Naruto, going back and checking a section. "Okay, Tauros!"

The large bull-like creature appeared, the three tails lashing the air briefly. "Grah."

"Why the 'Tauros'?" asked Kakashi.

"We can make better time if Tazuna-san rides it," said Naruto.

Everyone stared at Naruto.

"What?" asked Naruto defensively.

"My sweet kami, it WORKED," said Sasuke, pointing.

"What worked?" asked Naruto.

"Never mind," said Sasuke, recovering. "When we get a chance, bring up my stats page."

"Hnn," managed Naruto.

Sasuke glared at Naruto for a moment, then visibly decided it wasn't worth the effort.

An hour later, Sakura was about to say something about how their speed had picked up when the little gadget played some quick musical piece.

"Random encounter," read Naruto. "'A wild Jinchuriki appears! Recruitable character. Potential Rom.'?"

The startled-looking girl stared at everyone. "Uhm. What's going on?"

"Mah, this might take awhile," said Kakashi. "You're from Taki, right?"

"What's a 'jin'..." Sakura began asking, read the sudden spike in tension, and decided not to finish that question. "Yeah. Long story."

"It says 'Naruto party is attempting to use Negotiate'?" asked Naruto, reading his gadget. "There's a timer going."

"Okay, apparently we don't have time for the long story," said Kakashi. "Basically, we have access to a very strange device that has summoned you as a potential ally or friend and can possibly give you some additional skills. In order for that to occur, there's the possibility of Naruto here defeating you or something. We're still figuring it out."

"You're Kakashi Hatake of Konohagakure, right?" asked the girl. "Fine. I surrender, conditional to what you're saying."

"Eh?" asked most of those present.

Triumphant music began to play from the box.

"Wait! That COUNTED?!" asked Sakura.

"Okay!" said Naruto cheerfully. "'Fuu of Takigakure recruited! Unlocked Heracross summon. Unlocked High Pixie summon.' I don't understand this though - it says 'If she accepts invitation at time selected, Fuu can be selected as a party member for dungeons and raids.'"

"This has got to be the weirdest dream I've ever had," said Fuu. "I can have friends? Just like that? Don't I wish..."

_Poof!_

"She vanished," said Naruto, disappointed.

"She just went back to where she started, which is for the better actually," guessed Kakashi. "Taki is an ally, but they are unlikely to take us kidnapping one of their ninja in a positive light."

"I wouldn't expect 'Negotiation' to work too often," mused Sakura. "Probably because we're just starting out."

"Well, you're the expert," said Naruto.

"No! No I'm not!" exclaimed Sakura, sending a nervous gaze towards Sasuke.

Sasuke just let out a tired-sounding breath but decided not to comment further.

"So, Tauros," said Naruto. "Let's just get..."

Music began to play.

"'Random Encounter' again?" asked Sakura, sounding annoyed.

"No," said Naruto. "Or yes. I guess. It's a different message."

"Eh?" asked most of the group, crowding close to see the display on the screen.

[Suddenly a group of Wild Fangirls attack.]

"What does that mean?" asked Sakura.

"AHHHH! IT'S SASUKE-KUN!"

Sasuke stood upright, an expression of horror disturbing his face, and he looked to the side. Then he was abruptly not there.

"AHHHH! SASUKE-KUNNNNNN!" screamed the crowd of girls as they charged out of the brush on one side of the road and charged off towards the other side.

[Wild Fangirls try to use Mob Attack! Sasuke Dodges!]

Sasuke leapt from the brush, running as if his life depended on it as he crossed the road and jumped into the brush on the other side.

"AHHHH! SASUKE-KUNNNNN!" screamed the crowd.

A little pink-haired girl stood there briefly. "We is in Hot Pursuit!" At which point she charged off into the crowd again.

[Wild Fangirls use Hot Pursuit. It's Super Effective!]

"Hey, I remember this!" said Naruto. "You were doing this with the other girls about two years ago."

"I... remember," said Sakura, sounding as if she very much did not want to remember this.

"It's like a feeding frenzy with a predator going after fresh meat," noted Kakashi. "Or young girls at a rock concert."

"AHHHHH!" screamed Sasuke as he crossed the road again, this time with his shirt missing and the rest of his clothing looking a bit frayed around the edges.

"SASUKEEEEEE!" called out the crowd, still in Hot Pursuit.

Sakura twitched a lot. "I wasn't that bad. Was I?"

"They even have the little hearts in their eyes thing going," noted Naruto as he sounded vaguely nostalgic.

Sakura paused. "Well, at least we grew out of it."

Tazuna looked towards Kakashi. "She's kidding, right?"

"Well, she has toned it down a little bit," admitted Kakashi.

Sakura twitched.

"UNNN!" said Sasuke, holding as much of his remaining clothing on as he ran back across the road again.

"I think that was a call for help," said Kakashi.

"Nah, he loves the attention," said Naruto.

_WHACK!_ went Sasuke's fist onto the top of Naruto's head as he ran back across the road.

"STOP!" tried Sakura as she leapt in between Sasuke and his pursuers.

_TRAMPLE!_

[Wild Fangirls use Trample Underfoot.]

"Fire Release! Great Fireball!"

There were a few screams and then the crowd dispersed, fading away.

Sakura, who'd missed most of the fire due to being flattened on the ground, coughed briefly.

"What exactly WAS that?" asked Tazuna.

"Huh," said Naruto, punching buttons. "One of Sasuke's disadvantages is 'pursued by fangirls' - that might be it."

Sasuke limped back onto the road, clutching a few pieces of his clothing that had survived.

"I never acted that bad at least, right Sasuke?" asked Sakura, not managing to keep all the hopefulness out of her voice.

Sasuke directed a flat look towards her.

"Oh," said Sakura, thinking that maybe she should get rid of the shirt-piece she had in her collection.

"Well," said Naruto. "That was interesting. And odd. And oddly interesting. And slightly disturbing."

Sasuke merely vowed that when he had the chance, there was a disadvantage that was going to be bought off.

* * *

There were some areas better for ambush than others.

The choice was simple enough for Zabuza Momochi. If the bridge-builder made it this far, they would likely come across on a small boat that could sneak past the mercenaries. They would likely come ashore here, where the trees were close to the water and provided the most cover.

The same things that would provide cover for the ninja sneaking Tazuna back into Wave would provide the best chance for an ambush.

If they chose another area, the lack of cover would mean the group would be more visible at a distance. Most ninja would choose the less visible option, a sort of professional bias. That which made a ninja predictable could be exploited by another ninja - something Zabuza was quite familiar with.

Sure enough, there was the group disembarking from their little boat ride. Concealed in the brush without even a ripple of killing intent or sound to betray him - Zabuza was ready to kill off the little Leaf ninja.

Wait, what was that music?

* * *

"'Boss Encounter - Zabuza Momochi'?" asked Naruto as he read the screen after the music had prompted him with a clue that something was about to happen.

Sasuke blinked, looked briefly about, then threw shuriken into the underbrush.

"What?" asked Naruto.

When she got a good look at what was pinned by a shuriken through an ear to a tree, Sakura sagged in relief. "Just a false alarm."

"That coloration," noted Kakashi aloud, as a white rabbit was decidedly out of season.

_CRACK CRASH!_

"What the hell?" asked Zabuza Momochi, the branch he'd been standing on having abruptly decided it wasn't up to the task.

"Zabuza Momochi," said Kakashi. "One of the Seven Swordsmen of the Mist."

"THAT is a big sword," noted Sakura.

"Yeah, the women tell me that all the time," said Zabuza as he picked himself up off the ground.

There was a moment of dead silence.

"Oh, wait, sorry, wrong prepared speech," said Zabuza.

"You four, stand back and guard Tazuna, this fight is way out of your league," noted Kakashi.

Naruto considered his options. Naruto made a gesture. Tauros vanished.

"Pika pi!" announced the pikachu as it appeared.

"Good idea, Naruto," said Sakura. "With all this water around, electrical attacks should be more effective."

"Eh? Oh yeah. Right. That was my plan."

Sasuke snorted.

"Pika?" asked the pikachu.

"A yellow pudgy rabbit thing?" asked Zabuza.

"PIKACHUUUUU!" _CRACKLE ZAP!_

Zabuza blocked with his sword. Zabuza got poofy hair and slightly charcoaled as a result.

"Uhm, no, Naruto," said Kakashi. "Really. Guard the client. Not engage the missing-nin in a pokebattle."

"A wha? It doesn't matter, Sharingan Kakashi. It's a pity that your little genin will die here, unless of course you're willing to just walk away from that bridge builder?" Zabuza decided to ignore the way his hair was still poofing out. Better that way.

"Zabuza Momochi, please don't take this the wrong way, but you're the most normal thing to happen so far on this mission," said Kakashi. "It's actually a relief to face someone like you in a life-or-death battle over the survival of a drunk client. This is something NORMAL."

"Uhm, right, confident aren't you?" asked Zabuza.

Music began to play.

"Naruto. Turn off 'random encounters' would you?" asked Kakashi. "I would have thought it would do that automatically."

"It says that we were queued for a random dungeon and it's available, and do you want to specify 'Zabuza Momochi' as random guest character?" Naruto asked, fairly confused.

"Some of this not-normal stuff you were referring to?" asked Zabuza. Beneath the mask he grinned. "Go ahead. Let's see what you've got-"

_KA POOF!_

* * *

It was a cavern, lit by pools of leaping lava off to the side. It smelled of fire and brimstone and other less identifiable things.

"Okay," said Zabuza. "I'm going to go out on a limb and guess this is some of what you've been going through. Is this hell then?"

"Only relatively," said Kakashi.

"Sorry, I musta hit 'accept' somewhere," said Naruto as Sakura crowded close.

"Put my icon in the back," said Sakura. "Same with Rin. Right. Okay, select 'Fuu' as party member."

"It says 'Fuu is currently unavailable'," pointed out Naruto as he tried that.

"Would it be terribly difficult for someone to explain what exactly is going on here?" asked Zabuza. After all, if he killed everyone here - that was no guarantee that he'd go back to where he'd been a moment ago. He'd already tried dispelling a genjutsu and gotten nowhere.

"We're working on that, do we have a truce for now?" asked Kakashi.

"For now, in accordance with Article 26 of the Sarutobi Accord," agreed Zabuza, putting his sword across his back. He knew these Konoha ninja were sticklers for rules like that.

"Help menu," instructed Sakura. "Hit the section there. Okay. You can have one pet active at any given point, but you can swap them out at any given point."

Zabuza glanced at the yellow rabbit thing, figuring that was a pet - and the bull had disappeared as the rabbit appeared so he could swap one for the other. Some sort of summoning contract? But then what was the device?

"So we have a party ready," said Sakura. "Sasuke, Kakashi-sensei, and Zabuza-san in front. Naruto, Rin, and myself in rear. Rin's specified as Healer."

"Well, at least that part makes sense," admitted Rin.

"Am I on that thing?" asked Tazuna, deciding to sit down on a large rock.

"No, oh wait - here you are," said Sakura. "Under mission NPCs, and inactive."

"That explains why I tried to sit down and fell through the rock," noted Tazuna.

"I missed that?" asked Naruto, sounding disappointed.

"So how do we exit?" asked Sasuke.

"Hit that switch. No, go back. THAT switch. Here it is. Either we finish the dungeon, or we die, we quit, or we queue for another dungeon and abandon this one." Sakura glanced up. "'Die'?"

"Hold, adventurers," said a ghostly figure that formed near an archway cut into the rock. "Know you that past here is where a terrible darkness has gathered to threaten the world above!"

"Ah, this would be the quest," said Sakura brightly. "This part is kind of like Monster Ranch Deuteronomy."

"What kind of 'terrible darkness'?" asked Zabuza.

"I wonder if you are up to it," said the ghostly figure.

"It's a predetermined script," guessed Sakura. "Probably can't respond to questions."

"Hey! Maybe I can swap out..." said Naruto, checking a couple of things.

[Hiruzen Sarutobi is not currently available.]

"Oh, darn. Jiji woulda loved getting away from that paperwork stuff," said Naruto.

Kakashi twitched at the thought of what could have happened if Naruto HAD managed to pull the Hokage into this.

The flickering ghostly image nodded as they approached.

Sakura considered for a moment then tried what seemed the simplest approach. "Activate."

The figure just looked at them.

"Switch on. Click. Begin conversation?" tried Sakura.

Naruto scratched his head. "Hello?"

Greetings Adventurers!  
A great darkness lurks beneath the surface,  
Waiting to erupt into the world above,  
Bringing further horror and suffering  
To an already beset world.

If you would stem this infectious darkness  
from the destruction of all you hold dear,  
you must venture to the heart of this temple  
and defeat the enemy you find there.

Accept this Quest Y/N?

"I don't understand all of that," noted Naruto.

"Okay," said Sakura. "Seems straightforward. Yes, I think I understand."

Quest accepted.  
Quit not available  
until boss defeated or party loss

Sakura stared at the message as the NPC faded away.

"Sakura, did you just essentially lock us in here?" asked Kakashi, wanting to be clear on this point.

"Well, let's see where this goes then," said Zabuza. "Maybe I get to kill something. That's always good."

Shapes rounded a corner and came bounding down the corridor.

"Wait a minute, that's..." Zabuza's combat readiness abruptly collapsed.

"Zabuza-samaaaaa!" called out a group of young girls.

_SLASH SLASH SLASH!_

"Oooh," said one of the heads as it rolled to a stop. "You really know how to make an impression on a girl."

_STOMP! SQUISH!_

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!?" asked Zabuza.

"Overkill, I'd say," said Kakashi.

"According to this 'Undead Yandere x3'," said Naruto.

"Ick!" declared Sakura, looking at the greenish spatter.

"They were some of the Academy students, graduation day," said Zabuza, shuddering slightly as he watched the bits of student crawling towards each other.

"Ah, yes," said Kakashi, turning towards his students. "Kiri used to have this wonderful system in place. Students were encouraged to cooperate and make friends through the Academy. Then, at the graduation, the final test was for each of the shinobi to fight and kill a classmate. They always arranged those fights to be between the best friends or comrades among the students."

"The idea, as I understood it," said Zabuza, using his sword to sweep pieces of Yandere into the lava, "was to have no greater loyalty to anything beyond the village as a whole."

"That continued until Zabuza here, not even a graduate, killed an entire class of graduates," said Kakashi.

Zabuza shuddered. "The dead should remain dead, damnit."

"Well, I sort of disagree," said Rin. "Though I'll admit that one should be either alive OR dead and not both or neither."

"So, to answer your earlier question," said Sakura, looking up from Naruto's device. "This is a 'random dungeon' which apparently is titled 'Unholy Order of Fangirls'."

"Quit! Exit! Escape!" called out Sasuke. "Abort! Stop! Desist!"

"Apparently after Sakura accepted the dungeon, we can't do that," noted Kakashi.

"Well, at least they're coming after the big sword guy," said Naruto.

"Ladies do like a big sword," noted Kakashi.

"Really, Kakashi-sensei?" asked Naruto. "But Sasuke doesn't have a sword and he's really popular - OUCH!"

Sasuke rolled his eyes after Sakura belted Naruto. That had been entirely too predictable.

"Can we get going? I want to get out of here," rumbled Zabuza.

"What's this sparkly bit?" asked Naruto, reaching out and touching something where a body had been.

Loot:  
Your share: 37s

"What's this?" asked Sasuke, pointing.

"We all got 'thirty seven s' - whatever 's' is supposed to mean," noted Kakashi as a little display had opened up before him with that message.

Zabuza checked his belt. "What the- I've got little coins in here."

"The 's' probably means 'silver'," noted Sakura, wiping a bit of greenish splatter off her arm.

Zabuza stared at her for a moment, then looked at Kakashi. "You mean, that in this weird cave thing, that when any of us kill something - we automatically get money out of it?"

"Actually, this is the first time we've done the 'random dungeon' function, but that does appear to be the case," noted Kakashi as he checked and found thirty-seven unfamiliar looking coins in his belt. "Probably have to melt them down for the metal."

"Not that," said Sasuke, pointing at something in midair. "It says here my portion of loot includes 'Sasuke's Speedo.'"

"Sounds like a rare item you can use to upgrade a monster like in the ranch game, or maybe a part for a ranch?" Sakura was momentarily unsure.

_POP!_

Sasuke held up what was clearly a pair of stretchy swimming trunks. "Okay, that's just wrong. It says here 'Sasuke's Speedo. +25% to swimming movement speed.'"

"You should wear it," suggested Sakura.

Sasuke and everyone else, including Rin, all stared at Sakura.

"What?" asked Sakura.

Sasuke rolled the thing up and put in away in a pack. He wasn't going to throw it away, but heck if he was going to wear it anywhere near a place with 'fangirl' in the name.

* * *

"SASUKE-KUNNNN!"

"Fire Release: Great Fireball Technique!"

The flames washed over them, causing one to fall. The remainder continued charging.

"Uhm. 'Flaming Tsundere' - they're fire-resistant but..." Naruto's voice trailed off and he quickly looked from the device to the charging group.

Zabuza began slashing, following by cha-ching noises.

"I enabled auto-loot," said Naruto.

_CLANG!_

A single one of the tsundere pulled out a large sword and parried Zabuza's attack.

_CLANG! CLANG! CRASH!_

"Interesting," said Zabuza as the little girl with the twin-tail hairstyle tried to get through his defenses.

"Thundershock!"

"Pikachuuuuu!" _KA-ZAP!_

* * *

"Kakashi-samaaaa!" called out a quartet of pretty young things, leaping in ambush.

"Me?!" asked a startled Kakashi. Usually they went after Sasuke. A few had gone after Zabuza.

"It says 'It's a Trap - 4 Crossdressing Yaoi Fanboys'," read Naruto, blinking at that and then looking at the leaping pink-clad forms in an entirely different light.

"Gurk," went Kakashi as he realized what was leaping at him.

"This is fate," said Zabuza with a nod.

Just before they reached Kakashi, kunai began hitting the frilly forms. Explosive notes went off.

"Time for a makeover," went a survivor, pulling out a sinister collection of knives with rods and gears stuck in at apparently random.

_KA-ZAP!_

"Good boy, pikachu," said Kakashi, smiling down at the little rodent-thing.

"Piikaaaa!"

38s each  
Sakura: Bunnysuit  
Rin: Nurse Outfit  
Naruto: Cheerleader Outfit

"Huh," said Naruto, selecting it and then making a face. "What?!"

"Oh?" asked Rin, holding up a white tube.

Rin's Nurse's Outfit  
adds +10 to Medic-nin skill checks  
while worn.  
"The crisp white nurse uniform is a bit dated, but  
remains a classic in the medical field."

"Okay, let's see how this works," said Rin, examining a glyph on one end of the tube. As soon as she touched it with a finger, she was abruptly wearing an all-white outfit. "Oh. A little lacking in armor value though."

"That means..." Sakura looked at the little pink tube.

Sakura's Bunnysuit  
+25% Dodge  
+10' leap  
+10 hearing perception checks  
"Fortunately includes an enchantment  
that allows the wearer to run or leap  
in high heels. The occasional clumsiness  
is unfortunately unavoidable  
but never occurs in combat."  
Red Socket.

"Not wearing it," said Sakura.

"But look at those bonuses," pointed out Naruto.

"Not wearing it. No how no way," insisted Sakura, looking directly at Naruto.

"Well, can't blame you I suppose," said Naruto, holding up an orange tube.

Naruto's Cheerleader Outfit  
adds 2 ranks to Inspire skill checks  
while worn.  
+4 to Acrobatics and Performance Checks.  
"Can only be worn in female form. Female form is maintained  
while uniform is worn. Compulsive behavior included at no extra charge."

Sasuke considered that for a few moments. "I don't think ANYONE is going to blame you for not wanting to wear that here."

"Thank you," said Naruto, inclining his head and putting the thing away with a shudder. Just that phrase 'compulsive behavior' sent all sorts of alarms going off in his head.

* * *

They crept out on the ledge in the manner of ninja.

Which really was appropriate all things considered.

Big lake of lava, castle on an island in the center, single stone bridge linking the island with the cavern.

After looking it over, they crawled back into the access tunnel. There was a moment of silence.

"If we dump a bunch of explosive notes into the lava, maybe we can swamp the castle and take out the big bad that way?" suggested Naruto.

"Good idea, but if they can stand that heat in there - that might not take out the boss," pointed out Sakura.

"On the other hand," pointed out Kakashi. "It just might take out the patrols."

"What was that odd outfit they were wearing anyway?" asked Sasuke.

"Dominatrix costumes, black leather with spikes, that also explains the whips," said Kakashi.

Rin, back in her usual outfit, shook her head once. "I don't think we've got that many explosive notes left. Not enough to make that much difference. Maybe if we could bring the cavern's roof down, but then we'd have rock dust and maybe be stuck here if that didn't count as completion."

* * *

"Here's what we'll do," said Kakashi. "To clear this mission, we need to infiltrate that castle, the 'Citadel Of Broken Dreams', and then we have to slay this 'Duchess Of Pain' - correct?"

"Yeah, that's what the updated quest log thingie says," agreed Naruto.

"Ah," said Zabuza, leaning against a tunnel wall and sounding nostalgic. "Sneaking into a castle in order to assassinate some minor lordling, dozens of guards ready to kill or be killed. Those were the good old days."

"It wasn't that long ago," protested Kakashi.

"Well, people hiring assassins aren't that common in Konoha," pointed out Rin. "If you want someone dead, it's usually Kiri or one of the other villages that specializes in that sort of thing that gets the job. Back home we get more 'guard' missions than 'kill' missions. Or at least that used to be the case."

"Well, that's basically true as well," admitted Kakashi.

"I suppose," said Zabuza as he considered that. "If I'd been assigned to guard someone like the old drunk there - I'd probably have blown the mission and killed him myself by now."

Tazuna lowered his bottle, regarded Zabuza for a moment, then shrugged and took another sip.

"Isn't that empty by now?" asked Sakura. "You've been hitting that for the past hour."

"Near as I can tell, no matter how much I drink in this 'dungeon' - the level never goes down," said Tazuna. "Don't know why. Not complaining."

"Can't blame you there," said Zabuza. "Mind if I try a swig?"

Tazuna handed the bottle off. "Knock yourself out."

Zabuza took a long swig of the contents then made a face before pulling his mask back up. "Couldn't find anything of lower quality, old man?"

"It was cheap. Don't have a lot of money," admitted Tazuna.

"Wait a sec," said Naruto. "Something's happening."

[Side Mission: Rescue Princess Y/N?]

"There's a princess to rescue?" asked Naruto, brightening.

"Is there money involved?" asked Zabuza as he handed the bottle back to Tazuna.

"Doesn't say," said Naruto.

Zabuza checked his little stash of money. "I've already made a little more here than I'm getting paid to get rid of the old drunk. If there's money involved - I'd say yes."

"That much?" asked Sakura as she checked. "That's weird. I had all these silver coins here. Now I've got a couple of bronze ones and a little less silver."

Zabuza smirked. "I'll take those bronze coins and trade you my more valuable silver."

"Sakura?" asked Kakashi. "That's gold."

Sakura's eyes got very large. "Wait. I've got three gold coins?"

"Spoilsport," said Zabuza to Kakashi. Kakashi merely shrugged in reply.

Sakura closed her little change-purse and began tucking it away in her backpack.

"So, you've made more off of this run than you would have made from killing Tazuna?" asked Kakashi.

"Which puts me in a... well, I suppose you can't call it a 'moral dilemma'," said Zabuza. "Have to have morals for those. Maybe call it a 'financial dilemma'?"

"Ah," said Kakashi. "Perhaps."

"So, sneak in, rescue some girl, kill this 'Duchess'," said Zabuza, checking his sword. "Sounds like a mission."

"It does at that," said Kakashi.

* * *

"PIKACHUUUU!" _KA-ZAP!_

_Ding!_

[Pikachu is now level 9!]

"All right," said Naruto, fist-bumping his pikachu.

"So what's that mean?" asked Kakashi as the defeated [Level 3 Mooks] vanished.

[Your share: 75s.]  
[Sasuke - Leather Pants.]

"It means that his attack strength and speed went up, and he's one level away from getting an extra attack besides Quick and Thundershock," said Naruto after pulling Pikachu's stats up.

"No, Sakura," said Sasuke, responding to something Sakura had whispered. "I am not wearing those."

"But it gives you a '+3 to Fire Resistance'," protested Sakura. "Wouldn't that be handy?"

"Pika pi," said Pikachu.

"Okay," said Naruto, checking his device. "I'll let you rest, and pull out... this guy."

Zabuza reappeared out of apparently nowhere, having gone ahead to scout. "Keep it quiet. That room up ahead has an interesting scene going on."

* * *

"Someone want to tell me what's going on?"

"This is intolerable! I demand an explanation!"

"Since we're all prisoners, chained to the wall, in what's obviously a dungeon cell, it seems unlikely any of us are actually responsible for our shared predicament. Correct?"

"Wha' language wa' that?"

"Nerdish, I believe."

"Okay, everyone calm down!"

"I was calm, even considering the situation."

"You're... not human?"

"You can tell? Princess Asrial of Salusia. And you?"

"I've got a gift. You're neither human nor demon. I don't understand."

"I think the cat-eared girl has a point."

"From a study of Earth species, I believe 'skunk' is the appropriate term."

"Whatever. You're a princess. So am I. So is... Shion."

"How do you know my name?" asked the named Shion.

"There are nameplates above everyone's head, and each name is proceeded by the word 'Princess' - ergo we are captured Princesses held in a dungeon. That said, this is the weirdest and most realistic-feeling dream I've ever had."

"I'm not a Princess, I just portray one in the movies."

"I'm not technically a princess, unless you count my identity as Sailor Mercury who was a princess in a previous life."

"I'm not either. What does my nameplate say?"

"Ramen Princess Ayame."

"I work with my father at a ramen stand. I hardly qualify as a princess."

"Yer da' prolly consider ye a princess."

"Well, I certainly don't," said Ayame. "Come to think of it though, he HAS called me that a few times."

"And you're... Princess Merida?" asked the talkative princess. "Where have I heard that name before?"

"Ye heard o' me?" The redhead gave a swift tug at one of her manacles."

"Not sure where, but the name sounds familiar," said the talkative princess. "Oh, and I'm Princess Amelia."

"So we coom to da question of why and how," said Merida, rattling her chains.

The short-skirted girl in blue frowned. "Whatever these shackles are, I haven't been able to access my computer or my magic. They appear to have magic-negating abilities."

"Ye're a magickal princess?" asked Merida.

"So am I, but I haven't been able to access any magic since I woke up here," admitted Princess Amelia.

"Two of ye?" asked Merida. "Ah can only hope ye do better than me own experience with the hocus-pocus stuff."

"You mean like ninjutsu?" asked Ayame, sounding quite confused. "I don't have any chakra techniques but I know OF them."

"Ninjutsu? Are you from a ninja village then?" asked Shion.

"Konohagakure," answered Ayame.

"I've heard of that!" said Shion, seizing on at least SOMETHING being familiar. "You're from my world!"

"Waitaminute," said Princess Asrial. "I remember. Princess Merida - you're from that 'Brave' movie."

"Wha be a 'movie'?" asked Merida.

"Your mother got turned into a bear in a drama in my world," said Asrial.

"Oi! Ye know aboot that?!" asked Merida, blinking.

"And you!" said Asrial, pointing with one leg. "You're Ami Mizuno, Sailor Mercury! And you're Amelia from Slayers! The girl with the creepy sister!"

"Let's really NOT talk about my sister," said Amelia, hanging her head and wondering how long that sister would be a dark cloud hanging over her family. Not that she was hoping anything happened to her, just that she'd stop doing that sort of thing. ANY of that sort of thing.

"So what are we..." Asrial stopped as the door opened.

Five women, looking absolutely identical, in black skintight leather with high heels, walked into the room.

"Oh hell," said Ayame.

"New recruits," said one of the redheaded women, cracking a whip. "We'll make you hurt so good."

"You'll see things our way," said another, cracking her own whip. "Sooner or later."

"We'll make you proper princesses," said a third.

"Ready to wake up now," said Princess Amelia.

"You're all here because our great mistress is seeking to conquer your worlds," said the first redhead. "When you wanted to be elsewhere, away from your duties - you provided the key to your summoning. Our great mistress, the Succubus Queen, has directed us to convert you and then send you back to your homeworlds - as agents of conquest."

"Oh, it's one of THOSE plotlines," muttered Princess Ami. "At least it's not something silly like dream-mirrors this time."

"After all," said one of the false-leather-clad women, snapping her whip as punctuation. "Who could possibly save you now? There is no prince charming, no hero, no rescue for any of you!"

_BOOM!_

The door to the cell flew off its hinges, sweeping aside the lead redhead as it passed, and slammed into the far wall.

The other redheaded leather-clad women looked at the door, then slowly back to the open doorway.

A blonde kid riding an enormous rhinoceros beetle grinned at everyone in the room. "Anyone order ninja heroes?"

"YES!" said several captives.

"What's a 'ninja' anywhoo?" asked Merida.

"Naruto?" asked Ayame.

One of the leatherclad girls cleared her throat. "The Princess you are looking for is in another castle!"

Naruto stared at her.

"Well, it was worth a try," said the redhead, cracking her whip. "Has to work sometime."

"Heracross," said Naruto, patting the side of his mount. "Tackle!"

"Triangle formation! Whips out!" tried one of the remaining four catsuited women just before they were hit by a charging massive beetle.

"Kinda like the Earth-sport of bowling," noted Princess Asrial as the result of the two forces meeting was observed. The result being several faux-leather-clad forms being bounced off walls.

One staggered close to Princess Merida who brought her legs up, and managed to get her ankles scissoring around the woman's neck.

Kakashi and Zabuza just chose a wall to sit back and watch as Team 7 began beating on the redheads, the whips proving to be largely ineffective in short quarters.

"HEY! STOP THAT!" one of the punishers said after being hit by the whip wielded by another of them.

Then the fight was over, the superior numbers and ages of the defenders not up to the assault by the attackers.

Your share: 48s  
Kakashi: Beach Outfit  
Zabuza: Samurai Armor

"Seven seconds, you'll have to do better in the future," said Zabuza, deciding to ignore that for now. Though the tinkle of coins moving around in that little coinpurse gave him a warm and pleasant feeling.

[Choose Which Princess]  
[To Rescue/Recruit]

"But I want to rescue ALL the Princesses... Ayame?" Naruto stared. "You're a Princess?"

"No. My father calls me that every so often, apparently that was enough. And there's a timer on the wall behind you."

"If I'm right, only the first princess you rescue will count for whatever this 'recruit' means," said Sakura, glancing at the timer. "One minute. Does anyone object to being 'recruitable'? I'm thinking that one slot marked 'Guest' would be for summoned characters. Maybe?"

"Do that mean I'd get to swat yon skanky types?" asked Merida, dropping the pummeled-and-partly-strangled dominatrix to the floor.

"I think so," said Sakura.

"Count me in!" said Meridia. "I got dibs on bow or sword."

"Uhm, they looked like yoma, or at least possessed, so I believe that I can offer a certain degree of experience," said the one whose nameplate read "Princess Mercury."

"You said 'only the first'," said Naruto. "Kage Bunshin No Jutsu!"

* * *

[Achievement: Gotta Catch 'Em All!]

"Dattebayo!" cheered Naruto.

"That was verra uncomfortable," said Merida as she rubbed her wrists. And accidently kicked one of the fallen dungeon mistresses in the head. Twice.

"-and I have a visor which allows me to scan my surroundings," said Sailor Mercury to her neighbor.

"That is so cool! It's be great if I could tell what sort of spell would affect a monster before I cast it," said Amelia to Mercury, the two 'magical princesses' comparing notes.

[Guest slot available. You can summon characters]  
[to fill the Guest slot. These Support characters can]  
[add buffs or other abilities to the party. Combat]  
[summon characters can be summoned to open slots in the]  
[party or be put in the Guest slot to use their Support]  
[ability. Summoning is an option available only at the]  
[start of a raid/dungeon or Special Event.]

"How does that work?" asked Ayame, a bit concerned.

Sakura had her head near Naruto's, causing him to be slightly flustered, as she read over his shoulder. "Try that. And there. Now highlight 'Ayame' and see what-"

[Ramen Princess Ayame]  
[Support Type]  
[Support Ability: can summon ramen once per encounter,]  
[Giving special bonuses or 'buffs' that enhance certain]  
[abilities of the character party.]  
[Example: Miso Ramen heals 2% of damage taken every round]  
[while eating.]

"I always knew ramen was awesome," said an impressed Naruto.

"I should have known," said Sakura, rubbing her forehead as if there was a headache coming on.

"Oh," said Ayame. "That makes sense. Sort of. Kind of. I suppose. In some weird way."

Merida frowned. "Wot aboot me?"

[Princess Merida of DunBroch]  
[Combat/Support Type]  
[Support Ability: Can provide steeds for noncombat]  
[movement (+40% movement speed), or provide a bonus]  
[to ranged combat, particularly archery. (+2/+4)]  
[In a combat party slot, uses archery at a distance]  
[and sword techniques at melee range.]

Merida's frown slowly shifted into the sort of mischievous grin that promised incipient violence. "So, yer be sayin' that I kin be laying the smackdown on some poncy types when me Ma might be plannin' some formal la-de-da?"

"If I understand all this, yes," said Sakura, a little uncertainly. This girl certainly didn't act like much of a princess but if she understood what the character information screen said - she actually WAS one.

"I don't get it," said one of the women. "I'm an actress who plays a magical princess in some movies. It's idiotic to assume that gives anyone any advantage and I can't see what I could possibly gain out of this!"

"You can always refuse to be summoned," pointed out Sakura as Naruto began working the little electronic gizmo again.

[Yukie Fujikaze]  
[Other names require unlock conditions]  
[Support/Combat Character]  
[Support Ability: +4 to disguise/henge skill checks.]  
[Combat Party Slot: transforms to Princess Gale and]  
[is able to use sword, spear, axe, or bow.]

Yukie blinked. Blinked again. "I what?"

"As interesting as all this is," said Kakashi, jerking a thumb at the wall, "another timer started up when you did your princess-rescuing and it's about to run out."

"Huh?" said Naruto and at least two 'princesses' as they looked at the wall.

The clock went from "00:01" to "00:00" while they watched. At which point several puffs of smoke heralded the princesses vanishing.

"Aw," said a disappointed Naruto. "I wanted to see Ayame-chan summon ramen."

"Maybe next time," said Zabuza. "Come on, let's get this over with. What's a 'succubus' anyway?"

"Sort of a hannya I think," offered Kakashi.

"Oh, those can be nasty," said Zabuza.

"Personal experience?" asked Kakashi.

"You might say that," replied Zabuza.

"So the boss of this dungeon is the 'Succubus Queen' and she's a hannya of some kind," mused Sakura aloud. "We just faced a midboss, so we're about halfway there."

[Darkness Approaches]

"Or," offered Sakura. "Defeating the mini-boss alerts the boss of the heroes' location and she arrives to personally crush them?"

As the vibration in the floor began increasing, Kakashi nodded. "Sounds about right."

[Princess Rescuing Complete]  
[Heroic Zabuza unlocked]

"I'm a 'hero'?" asked Zabuza, pointing to himself and sounding somewhat amused and surprised. "Someone tell the Mizukage. He might just have a heart attack from the shock."

"Well, anti-hero maybe," offered Kakashi. "Mercenary shinobi perhaps?"

"I'm also really unsure about that 'samurai armor' that dropped a couple of fights ago though," said Zabuza. "Just because I use a sword or something?"

[Succubus Queen appears.]

* * *

Sailor Mercury looked around the table. There were her usual friends, all chatting back and forth, homework in front of them. "Uhm."

"Eh, Ami-chan? Something wrong?" asked Usagi.

"You didn't react to me disappearing and reappearing?" asked Sailor Mercury.

"What are you talking about, Ami-chan?" asked Usagi, who then blinked. "Wait. Why are you transformed?"

She checked and sure enough, she was in Sailor Mercury form and there was some tender skin where the manacles had supported her weight. So it had NOT been a dream.

"So, the time between being summoned and returned is a few seconds at most?" asked Sailor Mercury as she checked readings. "Or is close to zero time passage? Fascinating."

"Ami-chan?" asked Usagi again.

"Something interesting happened," said Sailor Mercury, shifting to Ami Mizuno again to explain things.

* * *

The ninja immediately slipped into "ready" positions.

Naruto leapt off Heracross. All three genin drew kunai.

Rin drew a ninjato she'd picked up three fights ago.

Zabuza held his sword in a ready position.

Kakashi also had kunai out, a spread in each hand.

[Succubus Queen Delilah Appears]

"Who dares to trespass upon my territory?" asked a woman's voice as a stream of bats entered the room, swirled together in a mass and then melted together into a pillar. The pillar shaped itself into a woman as it moved forward.

Raven hair. Ruby lips. Sparks flying from her fingertips. Batlike wings extending from her back.

Zabuza was an old experienced hand at certain things. By the time she'd completely formed, he was already behind her and bringing Kubikiribocho into a high speed decapitation strike.

"Who are-" began the woman before the blade struck, ripping through the neck. The head bounced once as Zabuza held the pose for just a second.

"How rude," said the decapitated head before it morphed into a few bats and flew towards the body.

"It was worth a try," said Zabuza, standing up.

"No it wasn't," indicated the Succubus Queen, making a gesture.

[Succubus Queen uses Infect]

"That doesn't sound good," observed Kakashi.

[0:02:00]

"Sakura, you just got a timer over your head," pointed out Naruto.

"What? Where?" asked Sakura, looking wildly about.

"Chidori!" responded Kakashi, forming lightning around one hand and charging forward.

[Succubus Queen uses Infect]

Kakashi's hand pierced through the chest of the Succubus Queen, still crackling with lightning.

The Succubus Queen responded by grabbing Kakashi and trying to suffocate him in her sizable chest.

"Rin-san?" said Sakura. "You've got a timer over your head."

"I don't think we ought to let our timers run out," said Rin. "Kakashi! Get clear so we can use explosive tags!"

Kakashi waved his hands wildly about, apparently agreeing with the sentiment.

"Not enough water present to do the impressive stuff," complained Zabuza, lopping off the succubus' wings only to see them liquify and flow back into the overendowed humanoid.

"Now you... wait a minute," said the Succubus Queen, plucking Kakashi out from where he'd been suffocating in her chest. "What the hell is this?!"

"We're kind of new at all this ourselves," pointed out Naruto.

"You're what... twelve?!" asked the Succubus Queen.

"No, actually, I'm 21," lied Kakashi.

"Quiet you," said the Succubus Queen. "Those three there are the obvious Heroes. And they are all just as obviously CHILDREN."

"Yeah, so?" asked Naruto.

"Look, you're not even going to get half the references in this dungeon," said the Succubus Queen. "And my plan to infect worlds, turning them into houses of carnal dark delights to feed my infernal appetites? Do you even have the vaguest understanding of any of that?"

"Errr," said Naruto. "No?"

"Look, can you guys come back AFTER your heroes have hit puberty at least?" asked the Succubus Queen.

"We don't even really know how we got here," said Naruto honestly.

"Rin? Your counter stopped at 'zero one'," Sakura informed Rin.

"Oh, so did yours," Rin said after checking.

"I stopped the transformation," said the Succubus Queen, who then turned and glared at Zabuza. "Do you mind? There's really no point in this continuing when the Main Character over there is a child."

"We're ninja, the mission is the main thing," protested Kakashi, using a kunai to slice through the arm holding him. Which immediately reformed but he was no longer being held at arm's length.

"Look, these dungeons are reflections of things out in the multiverse-" tried the Succubus Queen.

"'Multiverse'?" asked Zabuza.

"Multiple universes," said the Succubus Queen. "There are universes where you were born a woman, or are a samurai or dragoon or something. Then there are completely different branches where entirely different universes formed. It's complicated and I'm a Succubus Queen, not a physicist."

"So... you're not going to fight us?" asked Sakura.

"Well, you can always come back when you're-" began the Succubus Queen.

"Fire Release! Great Fireball Jutsu!"

The blast knocked the Succubus Queen backwards. When she came back up, her expression looked to be about two notches up past furious.

"Don't dismiss us," said Sasuke, pretty darn angry himself.

"Fine!" declared the Succubus Queen, making a slashing motion.

_Tik_ went the counter over Sakura's head.  
_Tok_ went the counter over Rin's head.

"Uh oh," said Naruto.

* * *

Rin and Sakura went down like marionettes whose strings had been cut, completely limp.

"They died?!" asked an aghast Naruto. "Sasuke killed them?!"

"Death is part of being a ninja," grumbled Zabuza as he used his sword to block a wing that had morphed into a spiked tentacle. "The biggest part in fact."

"Hah," said the Succubus Queen, making a dramatic gesture. "Arise now as my minions!"

An aura of light surrounded both corpses as they floated to an upright position. Their bodies shifted as the glow intensified. When it cut off they were still recognizable, but dressed differently and looked fairly odd to Naruto.

"Oh come on, they're stacked even more than my centerfold jutsu!" complained Naruto.

Kakashi and Zabuza BOTH looked.

"Can I cook, or can't I?" asked Succubus Queen Delilah.

Rin stretched out as if awakening, her white latex nurse uniform moving like a second skin. The huge syringe that she twirled like an overly thick bo staff a moment later managed an evil gleam as she posed. "Naughty Nurse. I think my patient needs restraints and a full proctology workup!"

"WHA?!" asked Kakashi as he was suddenly bound in leather straps to a bed. His eye bulged a bit as he saw the way Rin was bump-and-grinding towards his position with that syringe held up.

Sakura smirked and licked her lips. "Sadomasochist Schoolgirl. Oh, my poor boyfriend needs a -"

"FIREBALL JUTSU!"

"Oh that was cold," said Delilah. "You didn't even let her finish her opening statement."

"Actually, that wasn't cold at all," said the blackened and smouldering Sakura. "I feel the burn."

Sasuke threw shuriken at Sakura.

"WAIT!" yelled Naruto, throwing kunai himself in an attempt to hit Sasuke's shuriken with his own. His aim wasn't as good as Sasuke's though.

"Ooooh, it just makes me more hot for you, Sasuke-kun," crooned the stabbed and burned Sakura.

"Pikachu! Thundershock!"

"Pikapi!" agreed Pikachu as he sent an arc of electricity to wash over the busty Sakura as she shambled forward.

Sakura went down.

Naruto was about to say that that was the wrong target and he'd wanted to zap Sasuke, but Sakura was down now.

[Congratulations! Defeated Sakura Haruno.]  
[Sakura Haruno is now a recruitable]  
[character! If not present at beginning]  
[of raid/dungeon/spar,you can attempt to]  
[summon Sakura Haruno.]  
[Unlocked Sparring Chamber]  
[Sparring mode is now available.]  
[Unlocked Cherubi pokemon!]

"Pika," said a tired-looking pikachu.

"Okay," said Naruto absently, seeing how Rin was pulling one of the kunai he'd missed Sasuke's shuriken with out of one leg. "Pikachu, you did good! Rest now! Heracross, I summon you! Tackle Rin!"

"Wha?!" yelped Rin before an extremely large rhinocerous beetle smashed into her.

Kakashi landed on his back as the restraints and bed vanished. "Good thinking, Naruto. How'd you know those would dispel when she was knocked out?"

"Uhm. I'm getting better at this?" tried Naruto rather than admit it was just a lucky guess.

[Congratulations! Defeated Rin Nohara.]  
[Rin Nohara is now a recruitable]  
[character! If not present at beginning]  
[of raid/dungeon/spar,you can attempt to]  
[summon Rin Nohara.]  
[Unlocked Chansey pokemon!]

"Such ruthlessness," said the Succubus Queen. "No hesitation in striking down your comrades."

"Ninja," pointed out Sasuke.

"Well, there's that," admitted Succubus Queen Delilah. "So we go back to the stalemate."

"Heracross dismiss, summoning-" Naruto paused as he went down the list and spotted something that looked new. "Foxgirl Kunoichi."

_FWAM!_ a pressure wave went out centered on Naruto.

The torches which had been evenly spaced and glowing at a set radiance since entering the dungeon proper all dimmed and shifted to a reddish glow.

_Th-thump!_ was a sound that would have been like a heartbeat except it was way too loud.

Naruto dropped to his knees, clutching his head, as a circle of red formed in front of him like a pool of blood.

Something came out of that pool.

* * *

At first he'd thought that the Kyubi was getting loose. No, there was rage here to be sure. But it wasn't an unfocussed rage.

Kakashi knew he'd be exhausted later, but moved his eyepatch upward to more properly see what he thought he saw rising up out of that pool of blood that Naruto had just vomitted up.

With the Sharingan, he could see that the blood had spread in a perfect circle. Kakashi could also see exactly what he thought he was seeing and that this was NOT a genjutsu.

"Kushina," breathed Kakashi as the woman stood there, looking around her. Though the clothes were odd. Some sort of kimono mixed with something else. And the fox ears and lashing four tails behind her were also new.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!" asked Succubus Queen Delilah, transforming her wings into tentacles which she lashed out with.

Kushina made a slashing motion with one hand and both tentacles burned with crimson flames so intense he felt the heat rolling over him where he lay and he was a little surprised his hair hadn't caught fire.

"What the hell are you?!" screeched the Succubus Queen, her wings now ragged stumps.

Kushina raised her hand, pointing her right palm at the Queen. Red chains appeared around her, lashing out to wrap around the Succubus Queen.

The Queen thrashed a moment as flames erupted from the chains, then died.

"Kakashi Hatake," grumbled Zabuza as he slowly got up from where he'd been tossed earlier. "What exactly is that?"

Kakashi gave an honest guess, but then again he WAS pretty rattled by this. "That's Naruto's mother, back from the dead to protect her son."

Zabuza flinched as that woman's gaze passed over him, the look she gave him giving the swordsman the impression he was an insect and she just wasn't motivated to squish him at the moment.

Then Kakashi found himself the recipient of a gaze from that woman. "Uhm. Hi, Kushina. Looking good. Well, better than you did when you died at least. Did I mention that I'm Naruto's beloved sensei?"

Zabuza made a choked noise that might have indicated something of his opinion towards Kakashi's statement.

She walked past the two fallen women, glancing once down at Sasuke and looking puzzled for just a moment. She stopped in front of Naruto, placed one hand on his head, and then faded out again.

"So," said Zabuza, putting out a fire that had started near his foot, "that fox-spirit was the boy's mother. That explains the whisker marks. Who died and apparently came back as a spirit of vengeance when her son was endangered."

"Something vaguely sort of like that I suppose," said Kakashi, feeling winded.

"I never thought I'd say this, Kakashi Hatake," said Zabuza. "But I think I'm getting too old for this. And I pity you if she ever decides you are slacking in her son's training."

"Sometimes I'm feeling a bit old myself," admitted Kakashi, not wanting to contemplate the second part of this statement.

A piece of ceiling came down.

* * *

Sakura startled awake, then began clutching herself. "I'm alive?! I'm alive! ALIVE!"

"Yeah, we noticed," said Naruto, holding his hands near his ears. "Rin's been awake for about fifteen minutes."

"Dying in the dungeon is apparently NOT permanent," said Kakashi.

"I kind of figured that when both Sakura and myself were disembodied and floating around near our corpses," said Rin. "So, do we know what's going on with the swordsman? He'd left before I woke up."

"Just that he had a lot of things to think over and that he considered the truce to still be active until he'd finished thinking things over," said Kakashi.

"You let him go?!" asked Sakura.

"Meh, I have a lot of things to think over too," said Kakashi, waiting for it.

"That was Naruto's mom?!" asked Sakura.

"Ah, so you DID see all that," noted Kakashi.

"I wish I'd seen all that," said a seemingly-depressed Naruto.

"Your mother seems... formidable," noted Sasuke.

* * *

"Zabuza-sama?" asked Haku, having followed Zabuza back to their lair.

"How much time passed while I was in that dungeon?" asked Zabuza.

"'Dungeon'?" asked Haku.

Zabuza Momochi considered Haku for a few moments silently then nodded. "So. Time there was not equal to time here. Another bit to consider."

Haku fidgeted as Zabuza was being mysterious, even more than usual.

Taking a small leather pouch off his belt, Zabuza upended the contents - sending a small scattering of coins across a tabletop.

Haku stared. "Is that... gold?"

Zabuza looked at the pile of coins. "We can't break the contract with Gato. If we do, and word gets out, then we lose potential business. Yes, that's gold."

"That's more than three times what we are getting from Gato," noted Haku aloud.

"I noticed," said Zabuza with a grunt. "Somehow. I have to come up with some plan. Don't kill the Konoha ninja, but not break the contract with Gato. This will be tricky."

"Don't kill them?" asked Haku, as that HAD been the plan. Not that he had a particular trouble with not killing someone. It was just unusual for Zabuza to indicate that as a goal.

"The job just got a lot more complicated," indicated Zabuza, whose eye went back to the pretty pile of gold and silver and little bronzish looking coins. "Also a lot more profitable, and if we play things right - more profitable in the future as well."

"Ah," said Haku. Since the main point of gaining profit was to stay alive and eventually finance a second coup attempt - more money was a good motivator.

* * *

Naruto clicked a few buttons with Sakura watching over a shoulder.

**Available sum-mon**  
Pikachu - Naruto starting mon  
Tauros - Mizuki defeated  
Dark Phoenix Hatchling - Sasuke defeated  
Infernape - Hiruzen Sarutobi defeated (locked)  
Heracross - Recruited Seven-tails  
High Pixie - Recruited Fuu of Takigakure  
Cherubi - defeated Sakura Haruno  
Chansey - defeated Rin Nohara

"Okay," said Sakura, pointing. "Click there. And now click that. And there."

**Summonable for party slots**  
Fuu of Takigakure - available  
Hiruzen Sarutobi -(locked)  
Rin Nohara - available  
Sakura Haruno - available

**Summonable for guest slot**  
Ramen Princess Ayame - Ramen buffs and heals. [No.]  
Princess Merida of DunBroch - Archery/Move Bonus. [Yes.]  
Yukie Fujikaze - Weapon Wielder/Disguise Bonus. [No.]  
Princess Asrial of Salusia - Tech/Defense Buff. [No.]  
Shion of Demon Country - Perception Bonus. [Yes.]  
Sailor Mercury - Water Jutsu/Analysis. [No.]  
Princess Amelia of Seirune - White Magic/Morale Buff. [Yes.]

"This is all very strange," said Tsunami, watching her father and these ninja all gathered around in her home's common room and apparently fascinated with a little device that one of them had.

"I'm not a guest character?" bemoaned Tazuna. "I was hoping you could buy off my 'arthritis' disadvantage."

"Speaking of which," said Sakura. "Go to my character screen."

A fanfare began playing from the device.

[Sakura Haruno has leveled up!]  
[Sakura Haruno has one attribute point to spend!]  
[Sakura Haruno has one trait point to spend!]  
[Sakura Haruno has reached level 5!]  
[Specialty Path Unlocked!]

"Level 5? Is that good?" asked Naruto.

"The adds from my last change are still there," noted Sakura as she gestured for Naruto to scroll down the screen on his interface device. "Strength 1.5, Speed 1.5, Stamina 1.5 so changes there are apparently permanent. Hmmm. Wait. Chakra level? That's new. And low. But I can work on that on my own. Let's go with putting the one point in Kenjutsu."

"Can't," said Naruto as he tried.

"So I see," said Sakura, who then explained for those who didn't have a clear view of the screen. "It only allows for a half-point and then brought up a text-box that said I lack an instructor to properly learn that skill."

"So if we recruit Zabuza you could maybe learn from him?" asked Naruto.

"Naruto," explained Kakashi, "you can't simply go around recruiting missing-nin to your cause."

"Why not?" asked Naruto.

"Because they're missing-nin, they're liable to kill you at any given moment," said Kakashi.

"Awwww," predictably pouted Naruto.

"Try this box," indicated Sakura, focussed on the task at hand. "Specialty Path? Says 'requires trainer' - but I can at least look. Oh. Hmmm. Tag that and see what comes up, and that button there for full display."

A slightly transparent full-size image of Sakura appeared in front of Naruto. This one was older, perhaps sixteen, looking serious. That this was a Sakura as medic of the time of the Fourth Shinobi War was not apparent to those assembled.

"'Medic Sakura. Requires Naruto to complete 'Recruit Tsunade' quest for full training though groundwork for skill can be begun prior to Chunin Exam questline. Capitalizing on her exceptional intelligence and chakra control, Medic-nin Sakura follows the path of Tsunade to become a legendary level medic-nin herself,'" read off Sakura. "Oh. I like that one."

"Huh," said Sasuke, sounding slightly approving. It DID sound useful.

"Try that one," said Sakura, pointing at a second one.

The Sakura image changed and drew an "eep" from Sakura as she looked over the fishnet armor, leather bikini, trenchcoat, armored gauntlets and leggings.

"'Poison Flower Sakura,'" read off Naruto. "'Gaining the attention of Anko Mitarashi, she studies poisons and gains the snake summoning contract. Having found and exploited her dark side, this Sakura is the second-strongest in combat potential and the most likely to use Silent Killing and other assassination methods to accomplish her goals. Fast-tracked to ANBU after reaching Chunin.' I dunno, Sakura. This really doesn't seem to fit you too well."

"Let's NOT go there," agreed Sakura. Still, there WAS something about the self-confident but cruel stance and expression on this Sakura that seemed to appeal to her. "Try this one with the swirl-mist eye icon."

This Sakura stood in a half-crouch. One hand was up in a Ram hand-seal at eye-level. The other hand was back and holding a kunai. Dressed like the medic-nin version, though this one had long leather-looking bracers and fingerless gloves and leggings and a pair of long knives at her belt.

"'Mistress of Genjutsu Sakura,'" read off Sakura, much more comfortable with this one's appearance. "Requires the 'Matchmaker' special mission be completed. Sakura gets tutoring from Kurenai Yuhi and pointers to use her exceptional intelligence and chakra control, as well as developing her multitasking to new levels, to become a genjutsu specialist. Stealth, misdirection, some use of poisons, and always has a backup plan - this Sakura always leaves her opponents guessing. Is at a disadvantage however when fighting opponents with advanced dojutsu.' Well, that makes sense."

"The Sharingan can see through genjutsu," noted Kakashi. "Not that you'd typically be fighting a Sharingan user."

"Unless we're sparring," said Sasuke simply.

"Let's leave the other choices for now," said Sakura. "Kenjutsu Expert Sakura sounds interesting. As does 'Scholar Sakura' but leave the half-point in Kenjutsu for now and bring up Sasuke's stat screen."

"Hn," agreed Sasuke. Yes, it was cheating to get himself stronger. Which meant he might hesitate for a moment before doing it. Didn't mean he wouldn't do it.

[Sasuke Uchiha has leveled up!]  
[Sasuke Uchiha is now level 5!]  
[Sasuke Uchiha has three attribute points to spend!]  
[Sasuke Uchiha has two trait points to spend!]  
[Specialty Path unlocked!]

"That," said Sasuke, pointing.

"Let's see," said Naruto. "Specialty Path. Dark Avenger, Missing-nin, Crazy, Harem Master, Justice Blade, Playboy Sasuke, Sasuke 1/2, and Ninjutsu Master Sasuke."

Rin and Sakura stared at Sasuke. Sasuke ignored them.

"'Harem Master'?" asked Rin, sounding as if just the concept was distasteful to her.

"'Playboy Sasuke'?" asked Sakura, sounding as if the concept was so alien she couldn't grasp it.

Naruto was momentarily thoughtful. "I think those two would indicate you put that 'renew your clan' bit ahead of the 'kill that someone' part you said back when we were introducing ourselves to Kakashi-sensei."

Everyone considered that for a moment and finally there were a few nods.

"So 'Harem' would be where you try to collect girls, and 'Playboy' would be 'seduce and leave' as a strategy?" theorized Kakashi.

"Whatever," indicated Sasuke that he had no real interest in either path. "See what that one does."

The full display brought up an older-looking Sasuke. Some breastplate armor, dark blue with shoulder pads. Bracers. Hair out of its current style to hang back in a loose ponytail. He was standing in a relaxed pose, with both hands in front of his chest in a Tiger hand-seal.

"'Ninjutsu Master Sasuke is possible if the Missing-Nin and Dark Avenger paths are rejected during the appropriate questlines. This Sasuke is a master of a thousand jutsu, though he specializes in raining fire and destruction upon his foes. Rarely bothering with subtle, he seeks to overwhelm his enemies with powerful forces. Turning from his inner darkness, he also seeks to spare other clans from the tragedies that befell his own.'" Sasuke was silent for a moment as he considered that, then he nodded as that DID sound appropriate. Though he couldn't really abandon the need for vengeance.

"Why is there a 'missing-nin', 'crazy', and '1/2' involved?" asked Naruto. "Half what?"

"Doesn't matter," said Sasuke.

"I think it... matters?!" asked Naruto, having pressed the 'Sasuke 1/2' choice and now openly staring.

"Why is Sasuke a GIRL?" demanded Sakura, looking at the image.

Sasuke wanted to know that himself and so read out the text. "'Having rejected other paths before him, Sasuke turns to hidden and forbidden texts and discovers that the unlock conditions on the Sharingan's powers are different for male versus female wielders, as well as some powers being different. Rejecting the fate he had earned, Sasuke goes back in time after getting to one of the Tragic Endings and finds that he was now born a she. Requires one of the Fail or Tragic Endings be used. One (#8) found. Warning: Powerful Sasuke and may fall into squick category for some characters.'"

"You're not seriously considering that, are you?" asked Sakura, a bit put off by Sasuke's expression.

"No, of course not," answered Sasuke. "As Sakura suggested, we should leave that all for now."

"What was 'Tragic Ending' about?" asked Rin.

"Go to my stats," requested Sasuke. "I want to spend those points before any more interruptions. Yes. Skills and Traits. Put one point in Strength. One in Ninjutsu. One half point in Intelligence and Speed. Save."

Sasuke's eyes widened and he swayed slightly.

"You took that better than Sakura-chan did," noted Naruto.

"I was expecting painful, not -" Sasuke frowned. "Never mind."

"I wouldn't exactly call it 'pain' precisely," hedged Sakura, who'd experienced it before.

"Spend the trait point there," instructed Sasuke. "Now save. Good. Thanks, dobe."

"You just have to get a dig in, even when you're getting a favor," noted Rin.

"Let's see the sheet now," said Sakura, wanting a good look.

Skills & Traits - Sasuke Uchiha  
Chakra Control - 2  
Hand Seals - 3  
Intelligence - 2.5  
Speed - 3.5  
Stamina - 2  
Strength - 3

Bojutsu - 0  
Fuuinjutsu - 1  
Genjutsu - 1.5  
Kenjutsu - 1  
Kyokugei - 1  
Ninjutsu - 3.5  
Shurikenjutsu - 3  
Taijutsu - 2.5  
Trapmaking - 1

Bunshin - 2  
Henge (Hensojutsu) - 2  
Kawarimi - 1.5  
Sharingan Use - 1

-TRAITS-  
Uchiha Bloodline - fire affinity, Sharingan, overstimulation of hippocampus can cause chakra poisoning and damage to nearby brain centers.

-DISADVANTAGES-  
Lingering effects of genjutsu inflicted by Itachi.  
Hunted by Orochimaru.  
Watched by Akatsuki.  
Monitored by ROOT.

"Ah, so that's what does it," muttered Rin apparently to herself.

"Hmm?" asked Kakashi.

"Nothing, just something for me to research later," Rin said.

"You're hunted by OROCHIMARU?!" asked Sakura, staring at Sasuke.

"News to me," indicated Sasuke. That it was a bit concerning was left unsaid.

"Ah," said Kakashi. THAT was a priceless bit of intel that he'd have to make sure was in red and underlined when he turned in this report.

"There's that Akatsuki again," muttered Naruto. "Sounds like they may be major pains-in-the-butts. Why'd you spend a point on 'Fuuinjutsu' anyway?"

"Some writings I want to re-examine when we return to Konoha," said Sasuke, choosing to answer but keep it mysterious.

"What about me?" asked Rin.

"This may take some time," said Kakashi, standing up. "I'll be patrolling and sending a nin-dog with a mission update back to Konoha. Let me know when my turn comes up."


End file.
